Django: Discord's Wager

by Fussan

Rating: teen
Tags: Discord, Princess Celestia, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Other
Length: 15359

When Django makes a bet with the recently freed Discord, things spin out of control. With his mind out of control, and his friends scared of him, he is more dangerous than Discord could have ever been.

It's a normal day for Django. Ever since he's come to Equestria, his life has been improving. He's got friends, he's got a job, he's got a girl- err... marefriend, and he's happy.
His life has gotten boring.
He wants to spice things up. He wants to have fun again. So when a certain god of disharmony and chaos appears, he makes the best out of a bad situation.
But when he makes a bet that will alter him, not physically, but mentally and spiritually, he loses control. He may never be the same again, but his friends will try to make him see the light, and return to them.

First side story to The Interdimensional Field Trip. It is recommended that any readers first seek out that before reading this. You do not need to do so to understand this story, but you may not catch a lot of the references.

Published 2013-11-03 06:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-21 02:40:01 UTC

Chapter 1

Django lifted the heavy bale of hay out of the cart and placed it on his broad shoulders. "This is the last one, Mac!" he called to the large red stallion.

Big Mac simply nodded at him and trotted away, the cart he was hauling ready to carry a fresh load.

After a while of living in Equestria, Django realized that he would need a job. Yes, he was living with Derpy and her daughter Dinky, but he didn't feel right mooching off of them. So, when his money that he got from his little escapade in Canterlot ran out, he went out in search of a job. He had tried to be a cook at the local bar, which worked out fairly well until his boss nearly raped him while she was drunk. Not that he would have complained too much, but it might look bad if the first job he had gotten while in Ponyville had things like that going on after hours.

He also tried out as a teacher's aid for Cheerilee for a few weeks. But in between their "after school conferences" and slapping a colt hard enough to knock out one of his teeth, he was forced to quit by order of the Equestrian School Board. He still had things he needed to, ahem, "share" with Cheerilee from time to time, but it was only on Mondays now instead of the usual five days a week.

The job as a stripper came and went within the same night. The details are still kinda fuzzy, but from the way some of the mares in town looked at him, he could tell that it was probably better that he didn't remember that night.

So with anything regarding being social, friendly, nice, or generally not being an asshole pretty much ruled out, he only had a few options left. He tried helping Twilight in the library, but between the awkward half-conversations and the feeling of mixed emotions in the air, he politely told her that he would quit and to send what he made to Derpy.

Which left only one thing left for him to do. Farming. Sure, it wasn't the most glamorous job in the world, but it paid good, he didn't have to talk to anybody, he could listen to music pretty much all day, and even though Applejack still didn't trust him, they had an uneasy friendship between them. And besides that, between the overly healthy diet from being in Equestria and the grueling manual labor he needed to put in for the farm, he looked like some sort of sex god. Derpy had pointed that out many times while seeing him naked.

Django entered the small barn that housed the Apple family's entire supply of hay. It stank in here. He didn't care if they did eat this shit, it smelled awful and he voiced his thoughts whenever possible. He hefted the bale off of his shoulder and let it fall on the small stack in front of him. "I fucking hate this job," he muttered to himself.

"Then why do you do it?" a sickeningly familiar voice asked from the darkness of the barn.

Django let out a great sigh of contempt. "What the hell do you want Discord?" he asked angrily.

Django hadn't been there when Discord had been freed by the elements. He was vacationing with Derpy and Dinky in Las Pegasus and came back to be surprised by the freed chaos god.

"Aw, aren't you happy to see me?" he asked with fake sadness in his voice.

"That depends," Django said while turning to face him. "Did you bring me a drink?"

Discord's face broke into a crooked smile as he held out his hand, a large, clear bottle with a syrupy liquid inside of it appearing out of nowhere. "Straight from Celestia's private cache," he said proudly.

Despite Django being tired and angry, he let a twisted grin take place on his features. "Now that's what I'm talkin' about!" he cheered.

"I thought you might appreciate it," Discord said with a knowing face.

"Do I ever?" Django said. "C'mon, I don't have to be anywhere for a while, and you never have anywhere to be. Pull up a seat and drink with me."

Discord's eyes widened. "You want me to drink with you?" he asked incredulously. "Even after you said that you hate me?"

Django's eyes seemed to sparkle in the dim light of the hay barn. "Well, after that time when you turned into a woman, how could I not offer you a drink?" he asked with a laugh.

Discord's eyes narrowed. "I've told you before, it wasn't like that," he growled in irritation.

Django just laughed. "We both know that the only reason we didn't do anything is because I knew you were really a guy."

Discord raised an overgrown eyebrow at him. "Then what about when you kissed me?" he said sweetly.

Django choked on the liquid that he was drinking and had to take a second to regain control of his breathing. "That doesn't count. I was drunk and didn't realize that it was you at first," he said with a certain iron in his voice.

Discord rolled his eyes at the Human in front of him. "Oh please, we both know that you did that because you were too busy ogling me to pay attention to any hints I might have given you," he said as he summoned a cup made out of lava and banana peels in his talon-like hand and it filled itself with the bottle's contents.

Django just grumbled at the Draconequus and took another long drag from the bottle.

One hour and three- not counting the first one- stolen bottles later Django and Discord sat in the hay barn laughing so hard that they nearly cried from the pain.

"T- That- That's the funniest- funniest thing ever!" Django screamed between laughs.

"Oh, you should have been there!" Discord said, barely able to speak without laughing again.

"I wish I was! That would have been fucking awesome!"

"Oh, it was more than awesome," Discord said. "It was... godly!"

The two broke out in even more laughter from Discord's joke. He had been telling Django about the first time he had used his powers and became the god of chaos he was now. He had just finished the part where Celestia and Luna both were rendered powerless because every time they tried to use magic their horns got bigger and bigger until they could barely move.

"Oh fuck," Django managed to breathe out after his fit of laughter ended. "That's good. That's real fuckin' good."

"Isn't it?" Discord said.

"Yeah, the only thing I would have done differently would have made them able to do magic but when they tried the spell would be reversed one way or another."

Discord looked at him with drunken eyes and a confused expression. "Why would you do that? They would have figured out a way to counter-act the magic and stopped you," he explained with a slight slur of his words.

Django shook his head, his body going in the direction of which way it was turning. "No way man. When they figured out the spell was coming out all backwards and stuff, it would stop and start working on them instead of anything else. And if they figured out how to fix that, then I'd just make their magic work different again," he told the god.

"That might work," he said slowly. "But I doubt it. My way is better. Always has been, always will be," he said with what he thought must be a confident smile.

"Oh yeah?" Django challenged.

"Yes," Discord answered.

"Oh yeah?!" he yelled.

"Yes, I do!" Discord yelled back at him.

"OH YEAH?!?!" Django screamed so loud that Discord actually flinched from the sheer volume of his voice. Luna would be proud.

"If you think you can do so much better, then why don't you try?!" Discord screamed back.

"Because dumbass," Django snorted, "I don't have your stupid, fucking powers."

"Well here," Discord said and poked Django in the head with his pawed hand, missing his forehead and jabbing him in the eye. "You can have them until you fail at proving that you're any better than I am."

It took only a fraction of a second, but to Django it felt like eternity. All of Discord's power, all of his experiences, all of his thoughts and feelings transferred over to Django all at once, swamping his brain with thousands of years of life and awareness.

It had enough force behind it that it flung Django across the barn and slammed him into a wall on the far side.

Django slid down the wall and fell on to a bale of hay that he had moved into the barn on a previous day. His head felt like it was being pressed in a vise. His eyes couldn't focus, his body wouldn't respond to his brain's commands, and all he could hear was ringing. And with that, he could taste blood in his mouth. It was barely there, but he could taste it.

It made him smile.

He rose from the hay, having regained full functionality of his body back. He turned to the Draconequus laying on the ground unconscious. The spirit, Discord, that had given him all of his power in a drunken wager. He should kill the spirit. He should string him up and light a fire beneath him. One that gives you the feeling of being burned alive, but doesn't actually hurt you. One that cannot be put out, but instead every time you try, it gets bigger. The pain would kill him, eventually. It would be an incredible sight to see, but he needed the spirit alive. He made a bet with him after all, and he needed to be able to gloat and hang this over his head for the rest of his unnatural life.

"Hey, is somepony in there?" a familiar southern accented voice asked from the closed barn door.

Django smiled. "No," he called out sweetly.

The door was pushed open and he saw Applejack standing there with a slightly angry face. "If that ain't a bold-faced lie, ah don't know what is," she told him with a scowl.

"I didn't lie. You asked if 'somepony' was in here. I'm not a pony, and neither is he," Django said, motioning to the unconscious form of Discord.

Applejack blinked in confusion at what he said.

"Don't think about it too hard or you may hurt yourself," Django said and waved his hand at her.

She immediately screamed and held her head with both of her front hooves, falling to the ground from the sudden unbalancing.

Django smiled impossibly wide. "Told you so."

He looked at the spirit on the ground and his smile faded a little. He raised his hand and snapped his fingers together, cutting any and all ties the god had with the world. "Wouldn't want you using any magic now, would we?" Django said in a cheery voice.

"W- wha..." Applejack whimpered from her prone position.

"I told you. Don't think about anything too hard, or you'll end up getting hurt. It's really very simple." he said with a shrug.

Applejack only whimpered some more as he strolled past her. He looked back at the barn. Hay really did smell like shit.

He snapped his fingers again and the whole barn turned into a giant structure made solely out of manure. In the direct sunlight, it would collapse in only minutes.

Part of him hoped that Applejack would be able to move before it crushed her under its weight. But a darker, larger part of him hoped that before she was crushed, she would finally understand why he called hauling hay a "shit job".

He smiled at the sweet irony and snapped his fingers again. His current clothes disappeared. He was now wearing an over-sized black and green cloak with a hood. His cargo pants were replaced with black, loose fitting trousers made of some kind of thick material with a black and silver leather belt holding them up. His torso was now covered with a very baggy white shirt with ties at the wrists and neck. A crooked dark green wizard hat with silver and black trim sat on his head. Instead of his Timberland boots, now he had tall, black and green soft leather boot with midnight blue, almost black, laces on the front that reached up to his shins. His black hair grew much longer, now past his shoulders and catching the slight breeze, with one thick braid colored a deep blue on the right side of his face coming down to his chin. His beard shaped into a neat goatee, framing his mouth and chin. And to finish it off, two small, silver hoop earrings now hung from each ear, seeming to create some kind of melody when the knocked into each other.

He summoned a staff out of thin air and held it firmly in his right hand. It was a black so dark that it seemed to consume the Sun's light with a ravenous hunger. Made of metal, it had a short blade on the end, making it look almost like a spear, if it weren't for the large blood ruby on the top marking it for what it was. In his left hand a large sword appeared. It was made of pure silver and had a large blood ruby- much like the staff had- on its pommel. The hilt was light brown leather, and the cross-piece was made of two short spikes that were forked at the very end. It came with a sheath made of dark leather with silver trim, which appeared on Django's thigh.

He was Equestria's first Chaos Mage after all, so he was going to make the position look damn good.

He sheathed the sword and took a deep breath. When he let it out there was a small ball of fire that came with it. Even though he looked great, he had work to do.

He snapped his fingers together and appeared in front of the library in which Twilight Sparkle lived. The smile that never once left his lips widened as he knocked on the door.

After a few seconds of waiting the door opened and Django could only smile wider at the look on the unicorn's face when she saw him.

"H- hello... Who- who are you?" she asked carefully.

"Why, my dear Twilight, don't you recognize me?" Django asked her cheerfully.

Her eyes narrowed at him when he spoke. "Django...? Is that you?" she asked him.

He preformed a deep bow, coming down to her height when she asked that. "Django, at your service," he said in his British accent.

"What happened to you?" she asked.

"Well, let's just say that Discord is unhappy," he said as he pushed his way in to the library. "After our little chat, I just had to see you."

"Django, you're eyes are green," she said.

"Are they?" Django asked in amusement.

"Yes, and they're glowing... What did Discord do to you?"

Django smiled and shook his head. "It's not what he did to me that should be on your mind Twilight."

She tilted her head to the side in confusion.

"Listen, I need to send a letter to Tia and Lulu. Do you think that you could write it for me?" he asked in a sincere voice, despite the growing smile.

She didn't say anything, but he knew that there were questions flowing through her mind. She turned and trotted over to her desk and pulled out a quill and a piece of parchment.

Django smiled so much that it hurt. "Are you ready Twi?" he asked, barely containing the excitement in his voice.

She nodded and looked at the parchment in front of her.

Django snapped his fingers loudly, the sound resounding off of the walls slightly.

Twilight tried to turn her head around to look at him, but she couldn't. She tried to blink in confusion, but she couldn't. She tried to ask what was going on, but she couldn't. All she could do was stare at the blank piece of parchment in front of her.

Django let out a cackling laugh that sent a cold shiver down Twilight's spine. "Ah, you should see the look on your face! Priceless!"

Twilight started shaking in fear and confusion.

"Oh don't worry Twilight, you like writing letters to Tia. I did you a favor really," he said as he cleaned his nails on his shirt. "Now, here are the rules. You can't stop looking at the paper. You can't move. And you can't speak. If you try to send the paper to Tia, or if you simply use your magic to destroy the paper, you lose. Your eyes will try to follow every particle at once and end up imploding."

Twilight started shaking more violently as she stared harder at the parchment in front of her.

"Now, with your muscles frozen in place, you can't move. Now this might be tricky. If you don't get rid of the spit in your mouth, you'll drown. But because of the lack of muscle movement, you can't do it yourself."

Twilight's eyes started to water and her vision got blurry.

"And you can't talk. As proof, here's your tongue," Django said as he put the small, meaty thing on Twilight's head. There was a mixture of spit and blood trickling down her neck. "So this means that if somebody tries to move you, or the paper, you can't tell them to stop and you'll have to think of another way to warn them. But if you don't, your eyes will still be locked on, and if they try to get rid of the paper... Well, I just hope you have the brains to get out of this," he said with a laugh that made Twilight shudder.

Twilight was crying now. She was terrified. Why Django was doing this was lost on her. But how he was even capable of this was an even bigger question.

"Aw, don't cry Twi. If you get out, there might still be a chance that Applejack is still alive and you could use the elements and try to stop me," he said with a smile so wicked the Devil himself would be nervous. "Well, I'd love to stay and watch you try to escape, but I'm on a schedule. So goodbye Twi, I hope I can see you before you lost your eyes." With that he snapped his fingers and teleported just outside of Canterlot castle, the home of the two princesses.

Django smiled an impossible smile as he thought of all the possibilities that lay within the castle walls. The possibilities of what he could do to the souls inside. It made him tingle all over with excitement.

Author's Note

Like I said in the description, you should read the main story first. But if you don't want to, don't worry. I won't put anything in here that will be completely lost on you. And if I do, use your imagination.

Chapter 2

Luna was wandering the Dreamscape, keeping it safe from nightmares and other such horrors that plagued the minds of the ponies of Equestria. She was having a rough day, to say the least. Even though it was early evening, there were still quite a few ponies sleeping. Those who worked late hours, those who had partying issues, the list goes on. But still, they needed to be safe, and making sure they stayed safe was her duty.

She was in a teenage mare's dreams at the moment. She was... disturbed... to say the least. The mare whose dream she was in was from Ponyville, a small town in the valley below the mountain. She was dreaming of a particular Human dancing in a bar. Her first question was, of course, why she was in a bar at such a young age. But the very next one was what in Equestria was Django doing working as an... entertainer.

She was always fond of the rowdy Human, even before the... happenings with him, Celestia, and herself. Those few weeks just made the fondness grow. A lot.

She realized that she'd been staring for a few minutes now at the dream and forcibly stopped herself from continuing to do so. She changed the dream of Django dancing, to that of the mare's mother catching her, well, fantasizing, about the Human.

That should teach her, Luna thought to herself as a small, lopsided smile appeared on her face. She always enjoyed a good prank every so often. But she didn't do it for herself. Or even her sister. She did it instead for him. He loved Derpy. More than life itself, as he proved before. But he wasn't really that strongly willed, and if a particularly attractive mare put enough pressure on him... Actually no, only a little pressure was enough. A simple "Would you like to hang out?" was usually enough for him when he was bored, tired, or... anything else, really. But no matter what he did, Derpy knows that he would kill for her without hesitation. Literally.

Luna walked out of the mare's head, entering the Dreamscape once more... and was greeted by laughter. Her eyes widened slightly in surprise. Nopony alive had the power to enter this place except for her, her sister, and... Discord. "Show yourself, Discord!" she shouted at the air.

The laughter only got louder. It sounded... off. It was the usual maniac laugh of Discord, but it sounded... colder. More... sinister. It sent a small sliver of ice up her spine. "Did you like what you saw?" it asked her sweetly.

For a moment, she thought that the voice sounded like... No, that was impossible. "Do not make us ask again!" she commanded.

"Oh, little Lulu, do you really have to shout?" the voice asked her mockingly. She stood there, frozen in shock for a moment. It wasn't Discord's voice, she now confirmed it. But she knew it. She could never forget it. "After all, we're inside your head, so why do you have to use your outside voice?" it asked, practically sneering.

"H- how are you here?" she asked in shock.

"Oh, my dear, little Lulu, how oblivious you are," it said in mock sympathy. "I don't think it takes a genius to figure out that I used magic."

She blinked from the confusion. "But... how did you get magic?"

The laughter came again, echoing off of the very nothingness that was made up of the Dreamscape, making it sound like it was everywhere at once."If I were you, I would blame Tia," it said slowly. "After all, she was the one that made all of this possible."

Luna blinked again. "Tia gave you magic? But, why?"

She could almost feel the contempt in the snort that followed her question. "As if she would ever be so kind," it said. "She is nothing but a tyrant, ruling this country with an iron fist... Well, hoof, in her case," the voice said, chuckling slightly at its own humor.

"Tia is not a tyrant!" Luna screamed, using the royal Canterlot voice for emphasis. It didn't matter who she was talking to, if you insulted her sister, she would make you sorry. "She is kinder and more caring than anypony could ever hope to be!"

The voice tutted at her ignorance. "If she if so benign, then why did she banish you?"

Luna's eye twitched in anger. "She only did that to save the country from us! There was no other way!"

The voiced laughed softly, almost pityingly. "She could have used the elements to free you, but she didn't," it said to her, softly, almost as if she were an angry child and it was her parent.

Luna fumed. If she found him, she would hurt him. "That is not the way the elements work!" she argued.

"Are you sure?" the voice asked from right behind her, whispering in her ear.

She turned and sent a bolt of magic so strong that even a dragon would have been killed by it in the direction of the voice. But all she hit was the nothingness and emptiness of the Dreamscape.

"She didn't care that you were angry. Only that she could control the ponies of Equestria."

Luna let out a low growl as she searched harder for the voice.

"She might have tried talking, but if it only lasted a day or two, then how hard could she really have tried?"

The lack of his presence seemed to mock her everywhere he wasn't. It was infuriating her even more than he was.

"She took away your freedom so she didn't have to worry about having to deal with you later on in life, when you would have surpassed her."

She shot out seeking rays of magic everywhere she looked, but they came back with nothing.

"She was scared of you Luna. She knew you were a monster. A beast. She knew that she couldn't hope to best you, so she sent you away before that ever happened."

Luna was nearing her breaking point now. Her rage and hate were building up inside of her like a great inferno.

"She stole your night away from you, Luna. She wanted its unmatched beauty for herself, and you know it."

She looked around desperately for the location of him, but couldn't find him in the void of her surroundings.

"She sent you away so you could watch as she bent the stars to her will, controlling them."

Luna felt the sharp sting of tears behind her eyes, but she forced them back, with difficulty.

"She put you on the Moon so you could watch, helpless, as she mocked you with her power. Your power. Your special talent."

A single tear rolled down Luna's cheek as she searched for the voice's origin, but to no avail.

"She stole your talent Luna. She made you useless. She made you worthless. She was better at it than you could ever be, and ever will be, and you know it."

She shut her eyes in an attempt to stop the flood of tears that she had been holding in for centuries upon centuries, but they still came. She screamed a harsh, animalistic sound as a wave of her magic swept over the Dreamscape, obliterating everything in its path. She instantly regretted it, as she felt the intense pain of every living thing that was dreaming come back at her from having their minds destroyed by her magic. This caused new tears to join the old ones as they fell. She had failed. She had failed in fighting off his presence. Failed in keeping herself together. Failed as a princess. Failed in her duties as the Goddess of the Night. Failed as a sister. Failed at everything! She was a failure, and everypony in Equestria and beyond knew it.

The voice came from right in front of her this time. "Don't cry, little Lulu. It's not your fault," it said soothingly.

Luna looked up at him, a mixture of pure rage and endless sorrow on her face.

He smiled at her. A genuine, pleasing, loving smile. An understanding smile. "It's not your fault," he repeated as he walked up to her, his cloak billowing out behind him in an invisible breeze.

She blinked at him, not understanding.

He put his arms around her gently, pulling her in for a hug.

She was hesitant at first, but gave in and hugged him back as his comforting presence warmed her, made her feel whole.

"It's not your fault," he whispered into her ear.

She listened. She knew what he was going to say, but she listened anyway.

"It's her fault. She did this to you. She made you into what you are. She made me into what I am. It's her fault, and hers alone," he told her, never rising his voice above a whisper.

She didn't say anything. She didn't dare to break the silence for fear of him leaving her. She needed him there with her, right where he was. She stayed like that for a long time. Longer than she'd even realized. Finally though, she nodded. "I know," she whispered to him.

She couldn't see it, but the smile that graced Django's face made the Dreamscape shiver in horror. Literally.

***

Celestia was sitting in the throne room holding court. Another noble was whining about how he didn't have enough land, or something like that. Honestly, after an extremely enlightening conversation with Django, she learned how to tune them out. She knew it was wrong to ignore these ponies. It was her duty to help and protect them after all. But by Equis they were boring!

Celestia's eyes widened almost imperceptibly as she thought that. Django was having a pronounced negative effect on her.

She smiled, just enough so that nopony could notice it.

"... And that's why I should be granted more land, your highness," the noble finished with a small bow.

Celestia mentally shook herself out of her thoughts as he finished. "So, why do you believe that you would be so entitled to more land than others who have more pressing needs are wanting the same thing?" she asked calmly.

The noble flinched at her question. He obviously thought that she would simply give him the land he asked for. She always had in the past.

Celestia smiled when she saw him flinch at her question. Before she met Django, she would have agreed to it without much explanation. But having him around made her see things in more ways that a "benign ruler" would usually be able to.

"Uh... Well... Really it-"

"That's not much of an answer, Grape Vine." she told him with a stern expression. She knew this pony. He always wanted more land to "expand his business" or so he said. She had a sneaking suspicion that he was really just bartering off the land she gave him to other nobles for large sums of money. Of course, this wasn't exactly illegal, but it made her angry nonetheless.

He bowed his head to hide the deep scowl he was wearing, but she could see it in the way he stood that he was furious with her. "Of course, your highness. Forgive me for wasting your time."

"Don't worry Grape Vine, I'm sure you'll find a way to improve you harvest enough so that you don't need any more new land," she told him in a pleasant voice.

The noble stiffened from her words and she could practically see the rage radiating off of him as he left the room. Yes, Django was having severe effects on her.

The guard next to her laughed. "Your highness, with all due respect, I think that sense of humor that you got from the Human is going to be the end of you."

She looked down at him and smiled sweetly. "I haven't the slightest clue of what you speak of Ray."

"Neither do I Ray," said a voice from the very air around them. "Tia's excellent sense of humor is her own doing, not mine." With the end of his sentence, Django flashed into existence in front of them with a smile on his face that made the guards shiver and Celestia blink.

There was a stunned silence that filled the room after he arrived, broken by him after a few seconds.

"My, my, my Tia. I thought you'd be surprised, but this is quite extraordinary. I've seemed to shock even the solar goddess herself into silence!" he exclaimed, laughing loudly.

Celestia shook herself, physically this time. "Django, how are you wielding magic?" she asked him, half in shock, half in fear.

"Why, your sister gave it to me of course!" he replied happily, making a glass full of red liquid appear out of thin air and rest in his open hand.

"Luna?" Celestia asked with a raised brow.

Django nodded sagely. "So you do know who she is," he said slowly. Then he burst out in a fit of giggles.

Celestia's eyes narrowed at that. Django never smiled this much. He never spoke with so much happiness in his voice. And he most certainly never giggled. Not unless he was with Derpy. And she wasn't here. "Django, what's the matter with you? How are you able to do this?" she asked him, a tone of worry creeping into her voice as she spoke.

Django downed the drink in one go and let out a satisfied breath. "Well, I would go into details, but that would be boring. So instead, I think we should play a game," he said in a cheery voice.

The guards all coughed, drawing Celestia's attention.

"Now, the game is called Liar's Heart. The rules are very simple. I ask you a question, and if I catch you in a lie, then something close to your heart gets hurt. Then you ask me a question and the same thing happens," he explained the rules to her while her eyes grew wider as she stared at her guards. The seemed to be choking on nothing but the air around them.

"So, first question!" Django yelled happily.

"Stop this!" Celestia told him. "You're hurting them!"

Django tilted his head in confusion at her, but kept his ever-present smile plastered onto his face. After a few seconds, he answered her. "Oh, I get it. You want to go first. Okay then, my answer is this. No, I'm not hurting them." He held out his arms as if waiting for something to strike him, but nothing happened. He smiled wickedly. "Good try, but you'll have to do better next time."

Celestia stood now, her ethereal mane and tail growing brighter, looking more like flames now than a peaceful rainbow of colors. "I said stop this at once Django!" she yelled.

He just raised his hand as if to silence her. "Ah, ah, ah, it's my turn. So now, where are the Elements of Harmony at right now?" he asked, widening his smile.

"I will not play your game, Django!" she yelled, stomping her hoof hard enough to crack the marble of the floor.

He only shook his head. "You have to play, or I win by default. And when I win, things'll really get fun," he said with malicious glee.

She was about to protest again, but the rasping breaths of her guards made her stop. If she didn't play along, they might be in danger. Great danger.

She sighed softly as she thought. "The Elements of Harmony are where they are safest," she said as she glared at the Human she thought she knew before her.

Django smiled at her, showing his newly-sharpened teeth. "You're a liar," he growled out with a maniac tone in his voice.

At once, Celestia felt the building shake, and then as suddenly as it happened, it stopped. She looked at Django with a mixture of terror and rage clear on her face. "What was that?" she asked with a venom in her voice.

He smiled even wider at her. "I know how much you love your little guards, so I sent them on a vacation to help them... relax a bit. And if they're smart enough they might even survive," he said, finishing with a slight shrug of his cloaked shoulders.

"Where did you send them?" Celestia almost growled the question at him.

He smiled. "I sent them somewhere that every man stops at when he passes," he said simply.

She stormed down the throne's steps and stood in front of him, glaring daggers. "You're a liar," she told him. "There are no men among my guards, only stallions and mares," she finished with an almost twisted smirk at him.

His smile lessened at that as he fell into thought for a brief time. Then he smiled again. "Well, I use the term 'man' loosely. It simply means male, which I'm guessing they mostly were."

Celestia's smirk turned into a scowl at his words.

He laughed loudly at her anger. "Good try Tia, you almost had me there. But now for the consequences of your actions," he said as he snapped his fingers together.

The Celestia felt a cold wash over her as he did this. She thought she had him, but she messed up. She could have ended it there, but she failed. Sh-

She shook her head. She knew what was happening. "So, you're trying to influence me? Why? What are you planning Django? If that really is you."

The Human's smile almost completely left his face at this. "So, you figured it out, did you?" he asked in a bitter voice. "Well I get to ask one more question, then I'll leave your little guards alone," he said, gesturing to the gasping guards, who were now laying on the floor, barely conscious.

"Ask it then, and be gone!" she shouted.

His smile slowly crept up his lips as he thought about the question. "If I killed the Elements of Harmony, and you, what would stop me from burning all of Equestria to the ground?" he asked it slowly, so she would hear the lust for destruction in his voice.

She was shocked. More so than she had been when she saw him use magic. Even more so than when he started to act like this. She was so shocked that she didn't even feel the tendrils of green energy wrap around her mind and plant their seeds of chaos inside of her. "I- you woul-"

"Careful princess, you wouldn't want to get the answer wrong, now would you?" he asked mockingly.

She closed her mouth and didn't speak. She thought. She thought hard, and for a very long time. She had the feeling that she got when it was time to lower the sun, but she couldn't do that right now. She needed to answer his question, and she had to do so correctly. Luna couldn't help her. If she was dead, then he would easily overpower and destroy Luna. Discord couldn't help. If she was right, then Discord might not even be alive anymore. And if killed the elements... then all was lost if she was dead. There would be nopony left who could match him in power or skill... Nopony had the power he had... And nopony had the skill... But what if somepony didn't have to beat him in power or skill...? She knew her answer. She looked up at him with a small, sad smile on her lips.

"Well?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. "Are you going to tell me or just stand there looking pretty?"

Her smile widened slightly at his compliment. Even though it might not be him, it still felt nice to hear him say things like that. "Yes, I have my answer," she said quietly.

He laughed. "Oh, this should be good. So, who's the hero of this pathetic little story your mind has cooked up?" he asked her in a scathing voice, almost making her flinch from the venom his words carried.

She looked him straight in the eye. "She will stop you Django, and you know it."

The silence that followed her words could have consumed them both. It lasted for minutes. Hours even. The whole time her gaze never left his.

Then, after all that time, he stopped smiling, and a bitter expression replaced it. "You're nothing compared to me!" he screamed so suddenly she flinched away from him. "You've always been a simpering little bitch as long as I've known you! After I kill those clueless little whores you call the 'Elements of Harmony' I'll come back here and cook you alive with your own precious fucking sun!" he was raving at this point, and it scared her more than his words did. "And when I'm done with you I'll show your blue-cunted sister what it should mean to be 'Mistress of the Night'! After I'm done raping her on your bed while forcing the guards to watch I'll let her go free just so she can live with the shame for the rest of eternity!" He finished screaming and stared at her with such intensity that she doubted he could anything else in the room. After a second of holding his glare, he snapped his fingers and vanished.

Celestia stood there, dumbstruck as she let everything that he just said hit her. He said things that she never thought capable of leaving is mouth. He said things that she knew he never would have said. Even when he was drunk and angry, he would never have talked about her or Luna like that. She knew now what she had only suspected before. Django was sick from the magic in his system. It twisted him, making him into something he's not. But the things he said... Those things had to be there in the first place to be brought out like that. That's what scared her. And even as she turned to help her guards, she couldn't help but feel a deep fear for what was going to happen next. And she had no idea why.

***

Django flashed into existence at the edge of Ponyville. He had failed in his task. Damn that sun-humping prig and her guards to hell! She had ruined his plans! Now he had to make new ones! That was time he could be spending causing mayhem in town! But nooooooooo~ she just had to resist!

Django took a large breath to calm himself down as he gazed at the stars.

Not everything was a bust though. Luna took more work than he'd originally thought, but he had her now. He knew this by the large, blood red moon that hung ominously over the small town before him. Yes, even the stars seemed to twinkle with murderous hate as he looked at them.

He smiled at that.

Even though Celestia had fought him, he did manage to plant those seeds into her subconscious. It might take a long time, but eventually, they will break her. Hard.

Discord wasn't a problem, he had made sure of that.

Now the only thing he was worried about was the Elements of Harmony. But even they would bend to his will... or they would break.

He started walking towards the town. He needed to be rid of them. He only needed one to die for him to be safe, but he might have to kill them all, just to be sure of it. He would have to kill Twilight, that he knew. She was powerful. Even more so now because of her recent alicornification. He might be able to force Rainbow Dash and Applejack into backing down if he put on the pressure. Rarity? She's as useless to anybody as her dresses are to the ponies that wear them. Fluttershy will back down when threatened. And even if she didn't, he could always cook that little ball of hate that she calls Angel. Pinkie Pie though... that might be hard. He'll probably have to kill her as well.

He was deep within his planning when the giggling of two mares snapped him back into reality. He looked over to see a familiar pair of mares sitting under a large tree, gazing at the stars. It was Flitter and her sister Cloudchaser. His smile widened considerably and took on a twisted look. He snapped his fingers once and his body changed. He was no longer a Human, but a large unicorn pony with a blackish-green coat and a black mane and tail. His eye was still the same brown-nearly-black that it always was, but his dead eye healed and looked like the other one now. He looked back and saw that his Cutie mark was a red spiraling vortex going down into a black abyss of pure nothingness. How appropriate. Now, for all intents and purposes, he was a pony. He looked back to the two mares under the tree and approached them.

When they saw him, they quieted and waited for him to come nearer.

As he reached them, he nodded at them in greeting.

"Hey big guy," Flitter said flirtatiously.

He smirked at them. "Hey yourself," he said in the same tone of voice.

They both smiled at him and gestured for him to sit down, so he did so with a nod of thanks to them.

"So, what are a couple of cute little fillies like yourselves doing out here so late?"

Cloudchaser snorted at him. "If you think that it's so late, why aren't you back in bed with your wife?" she asked him mockingly.

He shook his head. "Maybe I'm looking for two little fillies to suit my perverted needs?" he suggested.

They both laughed at him.

He smiled wider as his horn lit up in a bright green color. "Actually, forget the fillies. You two'll do just fine," he said as he released the spell, causing both of them to freeze up for an instant, then go limp as a wet noodle the next.

They flopped to the ground, unable to stop themselves from falling. They couldn't move. Couldn't even open their mouths to call for help. All they could do was watch as the strange unicorn that they had never seen before got up and slowly walk over to them.

"Oh yes," he said, mostly to himself. "You'll do just fine."

To hell with making plans. Fun comes first. Fun will always come first.

Author's Note

Yeah... sorry that this story kinda sucks. I really did think that it would come out better. But I'm not a professional writer. I'm hardly even an amateur writer. But either way, this story will get finished. But I am removing the comedy tag. I thought that this story would be funny, but... it kinda took a really dark turn and now I doubt there'll be any redemption for comedy in here other than Django's sick, twisted humor. So sorry to anybody I disappointed, but instead of just disliking the story, tell me what's wrong with it and I'll see if I can improve upon that. Well, that's all I have to say. Hope you keep reading.

Chapter 3

Twilight sat in her room, crying. The lights were out, but she could still see it. Could still see Django taunting her. Could still hear his voice laughing at her as she nearly died. She thought he was her friend! He was her friend! ... Wasn't he? Was this just how friends treated each other on his planet? If so, she was afraid of what he might do to the others.

She had gotten out of his trap, thank Celestia. But it nearly caused her to go blind- which was why the lights were out. She had used her magic to fuse the parchment with the table, then the table to the floor. And once they became a part of the library, she could walk around her home without any trouble at all. It seemed that once her focus wasn't dead set on just one object, she was able to function normally. Well, as close to normally as she was now.

But still... She couldn't leave. She couldn't help her friends. She couldn't even leave her stupid home to help the ponies that she loved more than anything! How could she have become such a failure?! She had failed as a friend. She had failed as a student. And she was failing still! As long as she was trapped here, she was still failing! How-

She was interrupted by the sound of a door banging open downstairs.

"Twilight?!" a southern accent called.

She lifted her head up from her tear-soaked bed and answered. "I'm up here Applejack," she said, almost too quiet for her friend to hear her.

The sound of hooves coming up the stairs greeted her, and after a short while, Applejack came into her bedroom. She looked horrible. Her mane was a tangled mess, along with her tail. Her coat was dirty and messy. And her eyes were bloodshot with tears.

"Applejack, what happened to you?!" Twilight asked as she jumped off of her bed and approached her friend.

"It... It was Django," she said, wincing in pain as she said his name.

Twilight's ears pinned back. Django would never have done this. Not to Applejack. He wouldn't have even made a move on her when he was sober. Even when he was drunk! He valued her friendship too much, and nothing would make him do anything to hurt their relationship. He had told her that himself. "Applejack, I need you to get the others. We need to stop him."

Applejack raised a brow at her. "Are you gonna help me?"

Twilight shook her head sadly as new tears formed in her eyes. "I can't leave the library. Django put a spell on me and if I leave... I... I might..." She let out a loud sob and fell to the floor, crying once again. Everything came back at her at once. Why was Django doing this? Why didn't he like them anymore? Why was he so evil? How did he get magic? Why would he want to kill them? She felt Applejack's hooves wrap around her in a hug. It felt nice, to still have somepony there who could be strong for her when she needed it.

They sat there for what felt like hours, just holding each other, letting each other cry out their sorrows. When they were done, they pulled away from each other and looked the other in the eye.

Twilight saw hard determination in Applejack's eyes.

And Applejack saw the same thing in Twilight's eyes.

"We need to stop Django," Twilight said firmly.

Applejack nodded and stood, followed by Twilight. "Ah'll get the girls, then we can stop 'im," she said with just as much determination that was in her eyes.

***

Django was floating invisibly above the room while the six of them talked with each other. Needless to say it was extremely boring. They always were. Well, except for Pinkie, she was just annoying. That wasn't surprising. No, what was surprising was that Discord was sitting in the corner with a look a despair on his twisted face.

They were talking about something having to do with Tia. Of course. Twilight always resorts to leaving everything up to Sunbutt. Twilight pulled out a stack of papers, and Django smiled.

He waved his hand and Rainbow's wing beats got just a tiny bit stronger, and sent the papers flying everywhere. Of course, they gave them all nasty paper cuts before they flew off.

He chuckled to himself silently as he saw them all glare at Rainbow. Her paper had flown into a bookcase, so when she pushed aside a nearby book to reach it, another book fell on her head. Hard. She looked up at the top shelf and glared at it. In return, another three books fell on her head from the next bookcase. She shouted something unintelligible and threw one of the books at the offending shelves. Then the whole bookcase fell on her, nearly crushing her beneath it. Of course, from the trembles it sent through the ground, every other bookcase and book fell over and completely destroyed the library.

It took all of Django's strength and willpower not to burst out laughing. If he did, then his plan would be ruined.

Twilight's head popped up from the huge mess of books and papers on the floor and had a look on her face that clearly said that she had trouble believing that something like this could happen.

Rainbow's head popped out of the mess and she shook herself to clear the dizziness. She turned to see Twilight glaring at her.

Django took his chance and let a group of ethereal strings drop down and attach themselves to Twilight's mind and spirit.

She shouted at Rainbow for her clumsiness. She screamed. She raved at her friend.

Django now let a group of strings drop down on Rainbow.

Rainbow defended herself. She screamed right back at Twilight. She got in her face, muzzle-to-muzzle with her friend as she screamed just as loudly as her.

Fluttershy was cowering in the corner next to Discord, afraid that if she were to interfere then all of their anger would be turned on her.

Applejack and Rarity were trying to break up the fight. They both knew that it was an accident, and they were trying to make the two of them see reason.

And Pinkie Pie was sitting there with a confused look on her face, almost in tears from seeing her friends argue like this. Why her friends were fighting like this escaped her. They were supposed to be working together, not making each other mad.

Django let the strings fall on all of them.

Applejack started shouting that Rainbow was right, and that it wasn't her fault. If Twilight had been smarter, then this wouldn't have happened.

Rarity jumped to Twilight's side, saying that if Rainbow Dash wasn't so careless or foolish than this wouldn't be a problem.

Then Twilight turned to Rarity and started screaming at her, accusing her that she just agreed that she was stupid.

Applejack then yelled at Rarity and Twilight not to ignore her when she was talking to them.

Rainbow screamed at Applejack for trying to steal all of the attention. All of the attention that she should be getting.

The whole time Fluttershy was galloping back to her cottage with Discord. Ready to lock her doors and windows and never talk to her would-be friends again.

Pinkie was just crying. Crying that her friends had turned on each other. Crying because Fluttershy hadn't even tried to stop them. Crying because of everything.

They all were too busy to notice the tendrils of twisted, green energy reach into their minds and plant the seeds of chaos within them. Even Fluttershy was effected before she got away. Now nobody was there to stop him.

Then, everything stopped as a tremendous boom echoed throughout the town so strong that it shook the very foundation of the library. Even though they were just roots, they dug in deep and strong.

They stopped their screaming and ran to the window, though Twilight had to stand back so she could still see part of her library. What they saw made their eyes widen, and their jaws go slack.

Canterlot was burning. The castle was being destroyed by great rays of gold and blue magic. The two sisters were fighting again, and it was destroying the land around them.

Django smiled to himself. Forget the little ponies of Ponyville, this promised to be much more interesting.

***

Celestia raised a shield just as another bolt of her sister's blue magic came at her. Luckily for her, the morning sun was peeking over the horizon. If it wasn't there giving her extra strength, she wouldn't have lasted half as long as she had already.

The bolt of magic hit her shield, and after a few seconds of sustained assault, it shattered.

Celestia was pushed back farther into the corner she was nearing. She knew that this was Django's doing. It could be nothing else.

"You sent me away just so you could have my power to yourself!" Luna raved as she sent lightening arcing towards Celestia, causing her to dodge to the side.

"Luna, I did no such thing!" Celestia shouted in defense.

Luna had tears streaming down her cheeks, a look of pure agony was set on her features. "You could have freed me! You could have broken the Nightmare's hold on me!" she accused as she sent a wall of blue flame at her sister.

Celestia raised her shield again. But as the wall hit her, she regretted it. She could feel the heat. Feel the intense burning seeping through her shield. It was boiling her alive.

"You didn't even try!" Luna screamed at her.

Celestia put as much force as she could into her magic. She tried to send the flames away, tried to save herself from this horrible death. But Luna was too strong. Luna was always stronger than her. Even when she was a foal, she mastered magic far quicker than Celestia did. She was always her mother's favorite. Whenever Celestia wanted to talk to her, wanted to spend time with her mother, she was busy. But she always had time for Luna. She always had time for her brat of a sister!

With new strength driven by anger, she pushed the walls of her shield outwards, forcing the flames back.

Luna sent a spear of solidified magic through the flames to hit her sister, but her sister's shield was too strong, and it just barely broke through enough to make a hole. "You've always hated me! You were always jealous because all of the stallions liked me better! I was always prettier than you, and you hated me for it!"

"I only h-" Celestia stopped herself short. She was about to say that she hated her sister. But she loved her sister, nothing could change that.

Luna saw her hesitation, and struck. She sent a deadly spike of magic straight for her sister's heart. She put everything she had into this attack. Even if she had the most powerful shield in the world, it wouldn't matter. It would strike her sister, and it would kill her.

Celestia saw the attack coming. She tried to raise a shield. Even though she new it wouldn't matter, she tried anyway. But her magic failed her. Her push against the flames was too much for her. She closed her eyes in acceptance. She knew that she was going to die. She only had to wait another second. So she waited. And waited. And kept waiting for almost a minute. Finally, she opened her eyes.

Django was standing there with a look on his face that could rival that of an ecstatic Pinkie Pie. "Oh, you should see the look on your face! Oh, oh, wait!" He snapped his fingers and his head turned into that of Celestia's, showing her exactly what she looked like. "This is hilarious!" he laughed. Somehow, his voice coming out of Celestia's mouth made this situation seem like a horrifying nightmare more than a real life situation. He snapped his fingers again and his head returned to his normal, smiling self.

Luna trotted up to his side, sneering at Celestia the whole time. "You are nothing sister," she hissed at her. Then she looked up at Django with a questioning gaze. "Did you really say that you would rape me?" she asked him.

Django looked down to Luna. "Well, in all honesty, I was pretty mad."

She stared straight into his eyes. "It's not rape if you like it," she said teasingly.

He smiled wider and then planted a kiss right on her lips. It was hard, deep, and lusty. It almost made Celestia jealous. She thought she saw a little tongue at one point. She was jealous. Django broke the kiss and Luna whined a little in disappointment, but didn't complain further. He looked at Celestia and his smile turned into a dark sneer. "So, what should we do with you?" he asked the air around them.

Celestia stared at him as he twirled the magic that Luna had cast around his fingers as if it were string. Nothing was that powerful. Not the two princesses combined. Not Discord. Nothing. Yet he was treating it like that kind of power was a child's play toy to him. And it probably was.

"Why don't we just kill her?" Luna asked him.

He shook his head. "Nah, too easy. Besides, that would be merciful after what she did to you," he said as if they were discussing what to do with an extra bit on a Saturday afternoon. Then, the sneer turned back into the twisted smile after a few seconds. "I know!" he said happily.

Luna looked at him with a happy look on her face. She always liked to see him smile. She didn't know why, but she did. "What do you have in mind?" she asked him.

He opened his palm and let the magic swirl around lazily. After a while, it took on a greenish hue and no longer resembled a bolt a magic, but a sickly cloud. "She banished you to the Moon, so we should banish her to the Sun."

Luna gasped as he said that. Then she smiled wickedly. "Ooh, that is evil," she chuckled.

He looked at her with a genuine smile for a second. "Yes, it is," he said, then turned back to Celestia.

Celestia tried to summon her magic, tried to run, tried to do anything. But her body wouldn't respond. She was spent.

Django smiled at her failed attempts at escape. "One magicless, wingless, worthless pony princess comin' right up! Straight off the grill!" he screamed loudly at nothing in particular.

The cloud washed over her, and she screamed. She felt her magic get ripped out of her. Felt her horn get reduced to dust. Felt her wings get eviscerated. She felt all of this at once, and the pain caused her to black out. When she wakes up, she'll be trapped on the Sun, worthless to anybody and everybody.

Django watched as her body was reduced to particles and carried up into the Sun by his magic. Well, Luna's magic mixed with his.

Luna laughed. A happy laugh, filled with joy and relief. She looked up at Django and he met her eyes. "So, do you want to make good on your threat?" she asked him suggestively.

Django gave her a sad smile. "I wish I could, trust me I do. But those damn ponies are coming here to try to stop me. But after their dead... We'll, let's just say that neither of us will be able to walk straight afterwards."

They both laughed and waited for the arrival of the elements. They would be coming soon, and when they did, they'll wish that they had never been born.

Django made it about two minutes before grabbing a handful of Luna's ass.

She squeaked in surprise from this and looked up at him.

"To hell with this," he growled looking down at her while squeezing her ass harder. "We can wait in your room."

Luna smiled at him in triumph. She knew that he wouldn't last this long, but she had no idea that it would only take two minutes before he lost control. Her smile widened when she thought about everything that they could accomplish with their combined magics. She had a feeling that her rule over Equestria was going to be fun.

Chapter 4

The six of them trotted through the city gates at a quick pace- though one of them had a small twig taped to the side of her head so she could see the tip of it in her peripheral vision. Even though they felt like going for each others' throats, they couldn't. They needed to stop whatever it was that Django was doing to the castle. If he was confident enough in his powers to take on both princess Celestia and princess Luna, then he was too dangerous to leave alone. They needed to stop him, and they brought the elements to do just that. If even the princesses themselves couldn't stop him, then the elements could.

Right?

As they went, the ponies of Canterlot seemed to be in a panic. Ponies ran around the streets shouting to each other to make room for them to get by, to shout warnings, or to simply shout. Needless to say, the scene made the six frenemies even more nervous about the situation than they already were when they left Ponyville.

"Wow, do you really think it's that bad?" Rainbow Dash asked them. She was hovering above them the whole time they traveled, keeping a lookout and mildly annoying the rest of them.

Twilight pushed aside the fact that they temporarily disliked each other and looked up at her friend. "I don't know Rainbow. You saw the explosions, so your guess is as good as mine."

Rainbow groaned. "C'mon, you're the egghead! You should know something about this!" Rainbow shouted at her.

Twilight started to respond, but was cut off by a soft voice coming from behind her. "Um, can we please not fight?"

They both turned to look at Fluttershy, staring at them with still-teary eyes. They then looked at each other and looked away, sighing and grumbling under their breath.

They trotted in silence a bit more until Twilight spoke up again. "To answer your question, I think that the princess might be in trouble," she said in a slightly sad tone.

They all looked at her.

"What do you mean Twilight?" Pinkie asked, her normally poofy mane and tail hanging down limply. "The princesses are super powerful. If Django tries anything funny, they'll make sure that he pays!"

Twilight just looked at the ground. "You know I have a link to Celestia, right?" she asked them.

The all responded positively in their own ways.

"Well... a while ago... I felt the connection... Well, it went out," she finished bluntly.

There was a collective gasp from her companions.

"Does... Does that mean... She's dead?" Applejack asked quietly.

Twilight shook her head and looked at her. "I don't know. I really don't. There are dozens of reasons why it could have went out, and that's only one," she said sadly. Then she took on a look of hope. "But I don't think so," she said matter-of-factly.

Rarity tilted her head at Twilight. "What do you mean, dear? What else could he have done?" she asked.

After a second of quiet, Twilight looked back ahead and kept heading towards the nearing castle. "I don't know, but I doubt that he killed them. He's close to them. Closer to them than he is to us even," she said. Though it was tinted with sadness towards the end. "And he could have killed us easily. He proved that much by doing what he did to me and Applejack. And if he didn't do that to us, I don't think that he would do it to Celestia or Luna."

They all thought about what she said. And even though they weren't sure, they had to admit that he actually spared Twilight and Applejack. And he was actually very close to the two princesses. It just didn't make sense that he would kill them. They were thinking about this when a guard galloped up to them.

"Miss Sparkle!" he yelled. He was wearing the golden armor of the Day Guard, although he looked like he had seen better days.

They all stopped and waited for him to approach them.

"Miss Sparkle!" he yelled again. When he got to them, his appearance came into full effect. He had several cuts and gashes along his armor, and even more on his bare body. He held his right front hoof up slightly, and his left eye was swollen shut. "Miss Sparkle, we need your help," he said in a pained voice.

Twilight was shocked at his appearance, but after he said that, she was back in control of her mind. "What do you need? What happened? Where is the princess?"

He shook his head at her and scowled. "The Human. He somehow convinced Luna to rise up against Celestia. I don't know how he did it, but he banished her to the Sun."

They all gasped at that.

"When Celestia was gone, Luna's Night Guard started attacking us. We outnumber them ten-to-one, but they surprised us and forced us out of the castle," he finished, hanging his head in shame.

Saying Twilight was stunned would earn you the "No Shit Sherlock" award.

"Well what are we waiting for?!" Rainbow shouted out, bringing Twilight back down to Equestria. "Let's go stop him!"

They all nodded in a determined fashion and followed the galloping guard towards the castle.

He led them through the front gates. They usually had guards posted at them, but with the trouble inside of the castle, they weren't surprised to see them devoid of any protection. They silently trotted through the halls of the castle, attempting to avoid detection by the Night Guard. They occasionally came across a guard or two, but they managed to sneak past them without any trouble. And after what seemed to be an eternity, they finally made it to the large doors that led to the throne room.

Twilight stared at the doors in confusion. "What are we doing here?" she whispered to the guard.

He looked back to her with a serious expression. "He's in there. Last time I saw him, he was waiting for you to show up."

Twilight raised a brow at him. "And you think it's a good idea to just waltz in there?!"

He shushed her with a hoof. "No," he said shaking his head. "But while you distract him, I can get a number of guards here to help you. I'll only need him distracted for a few minutes, and then you'll have all the help you need."

Twilight thought about it for a few seconds before nodding her head. "Okay. We'll go in, then you get your guards. After that, we'll stop him with the elements."

He nodded at her and as quietly as he could, he edged the door open and stepped back.

They all steeled themselves for what was to come next. Then, with determination, they stormed through the doors, calling their war cries.

Somehow, they weren't surprised to see Django sitting on the throne lazily with an amused expression on his face, cradling a bottle of alcohol against his chest. But they were surprised when the door slammed shut behind them, locking them in. They turned to see the guard staring at them with cold eyes.

"Excellent work, Silver," Django said from the throne.

Before their eyes, the supposed Day Guard lit up in a neon green light. It lasted only a second before shimmering away, leaving a scowling Night Guard standing there instead.

"With all due respect sir, I never want to do that again," the Night Guard said.

Django laughed, drawing the eyes of the six friends. "Don't worry, you won't need to."

***

Django and Luna were laying in the latter's bed. The light's were dimmed, the walls were sound-proofed, and they were enjoying a bottle of Celestia's own reserve whiskey.

Luna was panting slightly with a light coat of sweat clinging to her. She was enjoying herself. She took a small sip from the bottle and sighed contentedly. First she had defeated her sister, then she had been appointed the new ruler of Equestria, now she and Django were in her bed enjoying a bottle of the finest whiskey and each other's company. Yes, she was enjoying herself immensely.

Django reached over with the hand that wasn't resting on her flank and grabbed the bottle out of her magic. He took a long drink and growled at the burn of it going down his throat. "Damn that's good," he said, maybe a little too loudly.

Luna pouted at the theft of the bottle and flailed her hooves at it. "Gimme! Mine!" she slurred.

Django held the bottle away from her, smiling at her drunken attempts at reclaiming the bottle of sweet, sweet happiness. "You're already drunk. You don't need any more," he told her.

She stopped her hooves and gave him a dirty look. "I want it!" she shouted at him.

He raised an eyebrow. "If you keep that up, the guards at the door might get the wrong idea," he said suggestive voice.

She crossed her front hooves in front her of chest and stuck her tongue out at him.

He leaned forward quickly and caught her tongue gently between his teeth, at the same time pressing his lips to hers.

Her eyes widened, but quickly closed as she kissed him back.

He released her tongue, allowing her to commence battle with his own. After a minute of this, he allowed her to win as he rolled on top of her. Not for the first time that night either. He held himself up with one hand, using the other to slowly tease her-

"Princess!" the door burst open, revealing two armor-clad Night Guards. "Princess the-" but he stopped when he saw just what his princess was up to. "Er... We'll just come back later then..." he said with a blush.

Django growled into the kiss in annoyance and lifted himself up, breaking the kiss and freeing his hand from Luna's... well, that's not important. "What the fuck do you idiots want?" he asked in a low voice.

Both of the guards seemed to shudder at his voice. "W- we saw the element bearers enter the city, s- sir," the guard said.

"Yes, and?!" Django yelled.

"Well... we thought that the two of you should be aware of this," he said in an unsure voice.

Django growled. "They would have entered the castle and found me anyways!" he roared, causing the guards to back away. "It makes no difference! I knew they were coming and we could have easily killed them whenever the fuck we felt like it! Do you really think us to be so incompetent so as not to be aware of what's going on?!"

The guards seemed like they were about to break down into tears from Django's words. "W- we- we're terribly s- sorry sir," he said. "W- what would y- you have us do to make up fo- for our mistake?"

Django got up from the bed, leaving a disappointed Luna reaching out for him with both hooves. He looked at them for a while, thinking on what to do. He wanted to punish them, but that might not go over so well with Luna. And while he was far more powerful than her, that fight would take a lot out of him. So instead he settled on another option. "What's your name?" he asked, pointing to the guard who was speaking the whole time.

"S- Silver Light, sir."

"Well then, Silver Light," Django then snapped his fingers, causing a bolt of pain to go through Silver's body. It lasted only a second, but when it was over he saw that his hooves were white, instead of dark blue. "Use your fucking imagination!" He then snapped his fingers again, teleporting both of them out of the castle.

"Must you be so loud?" Luna whined from behind him. The alcohol seemed to be taking its toll on her.

Django turned around with a smile. "Don't worry your sexy little head. I'll take are of this, and when I come back, we can pick up where we left off," he said in a soft voice, inching his way out the door with every word.

Luna smiled back at him and leaned back on the bed.

He had no doubt that when he came back that she would be passed out. But putting that saddening thought aside, he made sure he had his bottle of whiskey and made for the throne room.

It was a short walk and he spent it thinking about how much he wished he had just killed them. If he did, he could still be with Luna, no doubt having some more fun. But this needed attending to, and he was the only one that could do it.

He entered the throne room and looked around. It was just as messy as he left it. Smiling, he walked over to the throne and sat down. He sighed and took another drink from the bottle. Now, all he had to do, was wait.

***

Django sat on the throne, smiling at the six little ponies in front of him. They looked so cute when they were about to die. "So, my friends, allow me to welcome you to my new kingdom!"

All of them went wide eyed and slack jawed at his words.

"We have routine carnivals at six o' clock every Tuesday. The chimney sweeps sing merrily every night at around ten. And there's mini golf upstairs."

Then, seemingly out of nowhere, there was a voice yelling "FORE!!!" and a golf ball came through the window and hit Rainbow Dash on the head.

Django shook his head while chuckling lightly. "Sorry about Manny. I keep telling him to make sure nobody's around when he drives."

The six of them glared at him, making it known with their eyes that they weren't amused.

"Django, you need to stop this!" Twilight said loudly. "You're hurting the ponies of Equestria, and you're hurting your friends!"

"Yeah, you're being a jerk!" Rainbow yelled.

"And a meanie!" Pinkie added.

"Yer gonna regret this, and Ah know it! So stop b'fore we have ta stop ya!" Applejack shouted.

"You used to be an amazing friend, Django. Now you're nothing short of a monster!" Rarity accused.

"Um, you are being kind of mean. And, I, well, I would like you to, um, please stop. Please?" Fluttershy said in her usual nervous voice.

Django took another drink of his whiskey and threw the empty bottle at the wall. When it hit, it exploded in a hail of fire and colors. "Hmm? Did you say something?"

There was a collective groan from the ponies at the door, and Django couldn't help but laugh.

"No, really, did you honestly think that I would give up and let you win me over with a few words? Honestly, I'm disappointed. I mean, there wasn't even that Captain Planet shit where all of your necklace things start glowing and shoot beams of crap at me." He shook his head in disappointment. "You girls really are hopeless."

Twilight glared at him. "I don't know what a 'Captain Planet' is, but if you want us to use the elements, we will!" she shouted at him in anger.

Django looked at her. He was powerful, but he didn't know if he could survive the elements. He needed some kind of deterrent... "Go ahead," he said calmly.

It was enough to make Twilight blink.

"Go ahead and use the elements. But if you kill me, then you kill Django too. And I'm not sure you really want to do that. But don't let me stop you if you really must kill Equestria's only Human," Django said in a defeated tone, though his smile betrayed that completely.

There was a flash of pink and then Pinkie Pie was suddenly in front of him, staring into his eyes with enough force to shatter planets. hehehe, Captain Planet shit... "If you hurt Django you're gonna be sorry!" she screamed at him loud enough to make his hat tilt back.

Django simply laughed as he righted his hat. "Don't worry, oh annoying one, Django is completely safe. In fact, as long as I'm in control, he's even safer than he would be normally. So don't worry," he said as he used one hand to pet Pinkie's head, making her eyes flutter as she leaned into his hand. "As long as I'm alive, he's as safe as safe can be."

A purple aura surrounded the pink pony and she floated away from Django. She landed next to her friends and gave Twilight a thankful smile, which Twilight returned.

Django sighed in annoyance. "Listen. I want to get back to Luna, so how about I make you a deal and we can skip all of this fighting bullshit?"

Twilight glared at him even harder than before. "And why would we make a deal with you?!" she demanded.

Her friends all backed her up on this.

Django smiled at her like she was about to lose a game of chess. "Because with a snap of my fingers I can turn you all inside-out and make you live like that for all of eternity. And trust me, that kind of pain is hard to come across, even for somebody as strong as me," he told them matter-of-factly.

There was a sound that resembled a scared gulp that came from each one of them.

"So, are you willing to listen, or do you want me to start snapping?" he asked, holding his hand up with his fingers pressed together.

"Uhm, Twi? Ah think y'all should hear him out..." Applejack said nervously.

Twilight scowled at Django.

He pressed his fingers together a little tighter.

Twilight wasn't sure if it was her imagination, but she thought that she felt her skin pull away from her, but only microscopically.

He raised his eyebrow at her, with his smile widening.

"Okay," she said slowly.

"Very good!" he cheered, dropping his hand to his side and summoning another bottle from Celestia's private reserve. "This is the deal. I want you to give me the Elements of Harmony-"

There was an immediate reaction from the ponies which consisted of shouts of disapproval and arguments.

He raised his hand again. His face held a smile, but his eyes didn't.

They instantly quieted at this.

He kept his hand held up, but kept talking. "If you interrupt me again, I'll turn somebody precious to each of you inside-out and let you figure out who it was."

There was another gulp from the ponies.

"Now," he continued, "I want the Elements of Harmony. I'm going to lock them away somewhere only I can get them back from. If Equestria comes into danger, I'll give them back to you so I don't have to get my hands dirty. But if the shit hits the fan, I'll get you out of there and deal with it myself."

They all looked at each other with mixed feelings playing on their faces.

"Secondly, I hate politics. Luna is going to be named 'Queen of Equestria' while I remain well hidden in the shadows, running things without the public knowing I'm really there. I have no interest in it, but I will technically be 'King of Equestria'. However, like I said, I'll leave it to Luna so I can spend my life with Derpy. We'll get married eventually. Maybe I can use my magic to have a kid or two with her. Who knows?"

They were all listening intently as he spoke, and this surprised them greatly. He didn't even want to be a king, but he would go through all of this? What was he playing at...?

"And lastly, as long as there isn't any kind of problems from you or yours, I can grant you all whatever you want."

They audibly gasped.

"I can give Twilight her very own library; Canterlot size. I can give Pinkie her own party center, and I'll let her do what she will with it. Rarity can have her own business line and be recognized throughout the world. Applejack can have the entirety of the free land around Ponyville for her own to do whatever it is she wishes, and I'll supply her with enough workers to keep the workload reasonable. I can give Fluttershy her very own animal 'Rescue & Care' sanctuary. I'll even clear some of the Everfree of dangers so she can have that land. And as for Rainbow Dash, I can boost her natural skills enough to guarantee her to be the best flier that ever existed and ever will. Hell, I could even put her on the Wonderbolts right now if I really wanted to." He looked at them with a deadly serious expression. His smile was gone. "This is just the beginning of what I can offer. Take it or leave it. I'll even give you a day to say goodbye to those you love if you refuse."

They were silent for a while. They weren't sure if he could really do everything he said he could, but somehow they doubted that he couldn't.

"Well?" he asked them. "I have all day, but I'd rather spend it doing other things." He finished by taking a long drink that emptied half of the bottle in his hand. He was beginning to think that he had a problem.

"And what's to stop us from using the Elements of Harmony to stop you?" Twilight asked, defiance in her tone, but it wavered dangerously.

He took another swig and looked at her with a lopsided smile. "Because it takes a good thirty seconds to warm 'em up. And it only take me a fraction of one to kill you all in a very, very painful fashion."

She flinched away at his words.

He took another drink, emptying the bottle. He threw the bottle at them, but it stopped just in front of them.

"And when I'm done with you, I'll do the same to everybody you ever loved, do love, or will ever come to love," he said as the bottle changed it's form into each of their families, or pets, or loved ones. "And I'll make sure that, before they die, they'll beg me for mercy, and I'll only tell them that it was you who caused this to happen to them. And they'll curse you. They'll damn you with their words and their hate and their suffering. If you defy me, all of this and worse will happen. And as your tortured souls watch me do this, you'll know that you can only blame yourselves for this happening."

They were shaking by the time he finished. They knew he wasn't the happiest, or nicest, or politest person out there, but for him to say things like this... They felt like crying.

Django smiled and waved his hand at them. The necklaces and Twilight's crown... tiara... headband... the thing she wears on her head, floated away from them and into his open hand. He smiled at the small pieces of magical jewelry. Then at them. "You made a good choice today. Trust me girls, you won't regret it," he said softly, his smile returning.

He won.

The sound of Django snapping his fingers echoed through the throne room. It made the six of them jump in surprise and fear. But when they discovered they were right-side-in, they looked at him.

The small portal Django had summoned whirled about furiously, as if it was angry. Small lightening bolts cracked inside of it and there were faces of... things... flashing in and out of sight. But after a few seconds, a voice could be heard screaming...

A familiar voice...

After another few seconds, Discord was, quite literally, spat out onto the floor in front of Django. He rubbed his head where he landed and scowled at Django. Then he remembered that Django had all of his powers.

Discord smiled sweetly at Django, who had an amused smirk on his face. "Why hello, my good friend-"

"We're not friends," Django quipped harshly.

"Oh.. .Well... Hello anyways, good buddy-"

"We're not buddies," Django said, just as harshly as before.

"Err..." Discord pulled on a non-existent collar. "Well... Hello there... Django..." He coughed. "It's good to see you again..." He coughed louder. "So... what prompted this little... uhh... get together?" he asked, cracking a strained, nervous smile.

Django smiled coldly at him. "I just wanted to let you know that I won our little bet."

Discord's eyes went wide.

"Wait! What do you mean 'bet'?!" Twilight yelled.

Before Discord could respond, Django laughed louder than what was really necessary. "In case you haven't figured it out, I have Discord's power." He smiled maliciously at Discord, making him flinch. "All of it."

"Well, yeah. So what?" Rainbow asked.

"Elementary, my dear Watson," Django said, his smile widening.

"No, I-" But Discord was interrupted by Django.

"Discord tried, and succeeded, in getting me drunk. After that, he used his powers to put his influence over me. And once I was... well, Discorded, he made a bet with me. One where I got his powers and had to do a better job than him at taking over Equestria as a whole."

"What?!" Discord yelled. "I-"

Django put his hand to Discord's mouth, shutting him up. "Now, now, Discord. I know you weren't expecting me to strip you of your power, but really, it's your own fault. But anyways!" Django clapped his hands together and the room instantly cleaned itself. The six of them felt the roots of his magic disappear from their minds. And a dazed and confused Celestia appeared in the room before them. "Since I have no need of your powers, you can have them all back. I just wanted to prove to you that, even muddled by your influence, my mind is superior to yours."

"No, I-" Discord tried, but was interrupted by a wave of green magic hitting him like a freight train. It sent him crashing into the back wall of the throne room. There was a few seconds of silence. Then Discord looked up to see Celestia and the six element bearers looking at him. If looks could kill...

Speaking of looks.

With their backs turned, they couldn't see Django's facial expression. But Discord could. Discord's face contorted into pure rage when he saw Django's twisted grin, mocking him, making him feel stupid for this whole situation, mocking him, mocking him, mocking him even more than it was mocking him before. And only one thought could go through Discord's head. "Bravo..."

***

Django walked home and pushed open the front door. Damn he was tired. Draining Discord's power out of his body really took it out of him. But God it was worth it to see the look on his face.

He walked up the stairs and entered the bedroom to find Derpy stretching out her legs and wings on the bed.

She looked up at him with a bright smile and flew over to him, wrapping him in a tight hug which he returned. "Where were you yesterday?"

He fell on the bed, still holding her in his arms so she was on top of him. They shared a deep kiss before he looked her in the eyes. "Do you really wanna know?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

She gave him a hard look. "What did you do this time?" she asked with a sigh.

He took in a deep breath. "I got drunk with Discord, stole his powers, almost killed a bunch of people, conquered the two princesses, took over Equestria, stopped the Elements of Harmony, and caught the evening train back here, and now I'm explaining my day to you," he said, finishing with a large intake of air and an innocent smile.

She looked at him blankly for a while. Then she blinked. "And what was your plan for me?" she asked him with false innocence.

He shrugged. "I was going to let Luna take over and move you and Dinky out to Canterlot where we could all live in luxury for the rest of our natural lives," he said as if he were discussing the weather.

She stared at him in silence again. Then she smiled. "I'm so lucky to have found you..." she said, snuggling into him lovingly.

He hugged her tighter and rested his chin on her head. "I love you Derpy. I love you more than anything in the world or beyond. Even if I could have the world, I would trade it in an instant to be with you and Dinky."

She sighed happily into his chest and smiled. "I know. I love you Django."

Django smiled genuinely for the first time in two days. "I love you too Derpy."