Canterlot conspiracies.

by Wilhelm

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 1821

D.D. Detective Discord, at your service. Rooting out crime, conspiracies and corrupt companies throughout Canterlot.

[WORDS]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-03 03:35:43 UTC

Chapter 1

Celestia’s chambers, was, and is, in the top of the Castle, near the kitchens, on the eastern side. The hallway leading up to it had been built from the finest marble and decorated by priceless gems. The gems were animate now, rolling around on a rapidly solidifying batter floor while a beige  unicorn with a blueprints cutie watched, looking as if the display was breaking his heart.

I payed him no heed and skated past him, down the rapidly animating corridor, then round the corner. A line of Solar guards stood before me, encased head to hoof in dull golden armour and brandishing spears, the tips glistening in the sun as they stared me down.I reached upwards with a claw, stroked by beard and asked them what the matter was.One of the guards, a rather brutish and dim-witted looking fellow stepped forwards.He wore the standard dull golden armour that his peers did, his helmet was missing, exposing the stallion’s chiselled features to the world. His mane was short, filled down to the standard boot-camp cut and littered with the odd grey hair.  He had a cool ivory coat and rather bushy eyebrows and large dark eyes that looked like potholes in the ground, surrounded by as many wrinkles as it was a wonder that he zoo didn’t mistake him for one of their trained elephants. His armour had numerous dents and indentations along its side, clearly some mark of rank, of which the dunce seemed to take great pride in, seeing how he hadn’t buffered them out.Solar guards were notorious for their maintenance rituals. He looked at me, then at the school of swimming gems rolling around behind me and said: “Be gone, monster.”I chuckled to myself, though it was somewhat forced, the joke having grown staler than Twilight at a social convention after the first few thousand uses.He simply glared at me and snorted through his nostrils, a rather simple act for a rather simple equine.“Tsk tsk.” I said. “Derogatory insults won’t get you anywhere.”The guard snorted again and stomped his hoof to the ground, leaving the imprint of his hoof on the centuries old Unicornian carpeting that decorated the floor. It was somewhat of an improvement, a simple glance at the ordered structure of the fabric was enough to make me feel like I had ingested some of Apple Bloom’s cooking.“I wasn’t aware the guard hired bulls these days.”The guard remained stone faced, clearly not a fan of comedy, or anything that involved thinking, it seemed.**“Leave”.** He said, while his face took on a darker town, causing him to snarl like a feral wolf.“Ah, so it is a werepony they hired, you nearly had me fooled for a second there. ”A few of the guards behind him snickered, only to be silenced by the Unicorn glaring back at them, murderous rage in his beady little eyes.I chuckled and took a few steps forward, before quickly phasing through the tacky carpet and ancient stone work to the level below. I smiled broadly as I noticed the bull of a guard lunged forward, seemingly desperate to catch me. He passed through my translucent form, giving me a first-claw view of what years of protein shakes and cheap floozies does to the insides of a pony.It wasn’t pretty to say the least.It was sickening, actually. How dare he be so consistent on the outside and in.I clicked my talons, creating a simple pink balloon and filling it with a strongly pictured letter my thoughts on the matter, then clicked my talons again. The balloon was gone, disappearing in shimmer of light to who knows where.I sat down on a folding chair and sipped the air. Affluent and dignified, yet as playful as kitten in a yarn warehouse. The room’s decor matched its taste, with the few expensive looking mirrors and dressers being sandwiched between pillows and old dating extracts from dating magazines, with a large bed huddled up in the corner. A vividly pink blanket adorned its front, tucked in so tight at the corners that it looked like it was competing with the sour faced guards in a armour fashion show. The guards wouldn’t be bringing home any ribbons.There was a flamboyant cherry curtain hanging across an open door space next to the bed. That would lead to the on-suite bathroom. There was a closed door at the other end. That would lead out to the corridor. That would be all there was.The curtain glowed blue for a moment. The barrier peeled away, being replaced by a pretty little mare with a fluffy smile and a violet coat. Her dainty little horn was coated in the same cornflower blue aura as the drapes. Her purple tipped feathers were long and soft, connected to a pair of folded wings. A azure crystallised heart personalised her rump and two cucumber slices coated her eyes.“Shiny dear, is that you?” She said, in a voice fit for a choir. I didn’t reply.The mare’s smile shrank a little and she furrowed her brow. “Dear? The party doesn’t start until another hour from now and I still need time to finish putting my make-up on.”“A party, eh?” I said.The gal frowned and slowly removed the beauty slices with her delicate little hooves. Her eyes were a dull lilac, yet shinned with an almost feline curiosity as she looked me over. “Oh, hello.” She said, while cocking a shell-like ear and smiling a small, unsure smile, like a patron that finds a hair in their soup but is too polite to point it out.  “You’re Discord, right? Auntie...mentioned you.”“Perhaps I am.If you are Princess Cadance?”The mare frowned a for a second, then nodded. “Of course...why are you asking? Who else would I be? The improved guard spells keep the changelings out. “I smirked, then pulled a card out of my chest and gave her it. “D.D. Detective Discord, at your service.” I said, tipping my hat a little in respect for the lady. A rare thing to find these days.Cadance  frowned a little more and took a single step back. “I-I see...well, what can I do for you, Mister Discord?”“Drop the mister for starters.” I said, leaning against the bedroom wall. “Makes me sound older then I am.”She nodded, then jerked forwards in surprise when I appeared out of the wall behind her. “I’m looking for Celestia. You seen her around?”Cadance gently shook her head, her luscious mane glittering in the light. She must have had more gems in it then Sombra did on his codpiece. “No.” She said, an uneasy tone. “I haven’t seen her.”“You sure?” I said. “Seems rather farfetched that a lovely dame like you wouldn’t catch up with family.”“I’m sure.” She said, nodding slightly at her own words. “I’ve been spending most of the day catching up with Twilight. Why do you want Auntie for, anyway?”“I’ll ask the questions here, if it’s all the same.” I said, then summoned a chair up underneath her. Cadance jolted up into the air for a few seconds, like a cat who had just received an unexpected static shock from an otherwise perfect carpet. “Odd for you to come all this way just for a little catch up with the newest additional to the Alicorn arsenal.”“Alicorn ar-never mind.” She said, before letting out a long sigh. “Look, Discord, I know you like to play mind games and all, but I really need to prepare for m-““For what? Got some secret plan hidden away in your neat little head? I don’t buy the catch up story, not at all. For one, why a ruler of an entire nation come all the way to Canterlot for a mere catch up? You send her a letter and she would teleport up to you faster than a certain Pink acquaintance of mine bolts towards ‘Dashie’.”I shuddered and repressed the urge to gag. Pinkie was a fine mare, free spirited and up for a laugh. Never could understand why she fell for the block head.Cadance’s frowned, as if someone had put a dish of curdled milk under her muzzle. “I wanted to see the sights with her, see if Canterlot had changed at all in the last few months, is that so wrong?”“Maybe. But let’s say I buy you alibi, then what? Twilight’s locked herself in the castle library for the night and you are still here. Shouldn’t you skedaddle back along to your husband?”She raised her eyebrows but the expression looked fake to me, as if it was some fashion accessory  she had plucked from the shelf.She sighed and said: “Do you have any actual reason for questioning me? Or is this just one of your twisted jokes? If you have to know, I’m getting prepared for a date wi-““A date huh?” I inquired, while leaning forwards and looking deep into her eyes.  A sea of unease and nervousness floated around under a film of curiosity. She was hiding something, I knew it. “The old boy not enough for you? Moving onto newer pastures, or perhaps looking around for a new boy toy to play with? I've seen your type before, as energetic as a kitten and about as loyal as one too.”Cadance’s  jaw dropped open in shock, as she stared at me, my refined detective instincts having driven her to speechlessness.“But then that’s the issue of Shining, isn’t there? Rather hard to get rid of the element of magic’s brother. But you found a way, didn’t you?” I said, allowing myself the faintest twinge of a smile as I unravelled her deeds. “You use your love magic to cause him to fall in love with a servant, while you just happen to visit his sister for the day. He takes the blame, you get to replace him with your new toy, and perhaps even lure Sparkle into your web under the guise of ‘needing comfort’.  The Alicorn of love works in man-”That was as far as I got. The world was engulfed by a sudden stinging sensation. I didn’t even remember being slapped.“How **dare you!?” She screeched, the playfulness of a kitten now replaced by the ferocity of a cougar. “I **adore* Shining Armor and would *never cheat on him, or do any of the sick delusions that you can conjure up.”Another stinging sensation, harsher **than the first.“And I would *never* take advantage of Twilight like that! Now get out of my room, before I throw you out!” I winced and rubbed my cheek with my paw, then let out a small chuckle. “You know, you’ve got a rather good right hook for a mare. And your left ain't that bad either. “Cadance turned around on the spot. Her rump was plump, but not flabby, like the perfect piece of pork.“What happened to no cheating?” I said, my smirk returning. “I know I’m a prize catch, but this is a bi-” My vision exploded into darkness. Turns out she had a pretty good kick to her too.