Spike's Bad Week

by Antojo Pony

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Crossover, Dark, Comedy
Length: 21544

[This Story is Cancelled] After a vacation gone wrong, Spike goes on the adventure he never wanted.

Cancelled, read for more info.

After a vacation gone wrong, a certain dragon decides to drink his problems away. He soon comes to regret that decision.

Join Spike as he becomes king over the Griffon Kingdom; overcome hangovers; meets eccentric individuals; and manages to unintentionally get involve in mob wars, international espionage, and a zombie outbreak. It's the adventure of a lifetime or for Spike it's just a bad week.

Inspired by Conker's Bad Fur Day. Playing the game is not required to understand this story.
First attempt at a Fanfiction, all constructive feedback welcomed.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-03 03:38:28 UTC

Prologue

So here I am, king, king over the Griffon Kingdom. I’m sitting in the griffon throne room surrounded by the strange fellows that I had the misfortune of encountering during my misadventure. Don’t mind them for now I’m sure you will get to know them soon enough.*

Now you may ask yourself ‘how did Spike become King’? It’s a good question actually and it’s a long story and if you want stay a while I’ll tell you. It all started one week ago, and what a week that was. I was visiting Prance along with six good friends. It was supposed to be a vacation but I had other things in store. Apparently so did Fate, and so begins what I would like to call a very Bad Week.

╠═════════════╣

The sun was setting as the moon began its climb up the sky. The stars glimmered as as they began to light up the night sky. It would have been the perfect sight to end a romantic date. Unfortunately not for the young dragon marching crestfallen down the street. By dragon standards he would be considered a child, yet by pony standards he was old enough to be and adult. Being an adult of course had it’s privileges such as going to a tavern to drown out his sorrows.

It was business as usual at the Cock and the Plucker, the Griffon owned bar at the edge of Paris. Named after Paris the Great, one of the great Griffon king that originally conquered the land or at least that’s how the legend goes. Paris of course being the capital of France or as ethnocentric ponies called it, Prance. The Cock and the Plucker wasn't a tourist attraction and mainly catered towards locals. Of course that the meant that a certain young purple dragon, slightly taller than the average pony, stood out when he entered. The natives didn’t minded of course, dragons are cool.

"So what can I get for you?" the griffon bartender asked the dragon as he approached the counter.

"I'll take an one of your finest beers,” said the dragon as he sat on the stool. “Might as well enjoy myself.”

"A tourist seeking beer, we don't get much of those." the bartender chuckled as he while serving the beverage on a frosty mug.

"Why is that?" the dragon asked putting down his money as he took the mug.

"Apparently when ponies think of Prance they think of fine wine and cheese. Most beer aficionados tend to visit Griffon Germane which isn't far from here." The bartender said as the he cleaned the counter with a white cloth.

"Wine and cheese huh, eh sounds like those high society gatherings in Canterlot" The dragon muttered bitterly as he took a swing from his mug "That's good stuff right there, I'll take another."

"Coming right up, so I take it that you don’t like the ‘high class’ folks?" the bartender asked.

“You can say that, I’ve lived around them for a while” the dragon said observing the rest of the tavern. It had a homely feel to it. The interior had a cabin look to and he could tell that the tables and chairs were made with high quality lumber. A griffon band was playing jazz at one end and the music fused with chatter amongst a mix of ponies and griffons, “Nice place you got here.”

“It’s what we strive for kid, we don’t many tourist here so what brings you out to humble join?” The griffon said with a smirk of pride.

The dragon nursed his beer before responding, “Well you can say that I need to cool off after a rough day.”

“Well after a long day many ponies and griffons here like to sit down and relax. Anything else you need?” the griffon asked.

“Well there’s one question on my mind since I came here, why does everyone in Prance know how to speak the Equestrian language?” the dragon asked. It’s been on his mind ever since he arrived in Prance. Everypony and griffon seemed to speak Equestrian as well as French and other languages.

The barkeep chuckled before answering the question, “Well it’s for convenience and for the sake of the the PLOT.”

“The what?”

“The PLOT, Pony Language Overseas Treaty, it was a treaty by the Sun Princess had with most countries. The pony language became the official language to be taught is every country. In theory it was to help establish international trade and diplomacy. But in reality the princess was too lazy to learn many languages and decided it would be easier to have everyone speak the same one.”

“Well that make sense I guess.” the purple dragon muttered drowning himself in his mug, “Sweet Celestia this beer is good. Hey barkeep keep them coming!”

╠═════════════╣

A few drinks latter the dragon found himself in a table with a mix of ponies and griffons. Each of different background brought together by sweet nectar of life that is alcohol. Such prized liquid that is good at solving problems as it is creating them.

"Well here’s the thing, when you plan this romantic date for such a long time only to find yourself friendzoned, you can say it’s been a crummy day. That’s the main reason I even agreed to come on this vacation." the dragon said as he nursed the stout, "You know what they say about Paris, it apparently is the ‘city of romance’ or some nonsense like that. So I thought it would romantic to confess to the mare that I've had a crush on for years in front of that famous tower. And you know what happens? She just gives me that 'just friends' nonsense and I look like fool in front of everypony. City of romance, yeah right."

"It happens, love is a bitch like that sometimes." the one of the ponies told him before taking a drink from his mug. “Besides I thought Canterlot was the city of love, why else would the changelings chose to invade there?”

“You go a point there,” he responded after which the dragon proceeded to chug down his mug before continuing “But I lived in Canterlot for a while, me tell you that the snobs there are same as the snobs here. The only difference is that the waiters here actually speak French.”

A chorus a laughter broke out amongst the group. Which the dragon asked, “So whose turn is it pay for the next round.”

“Yours!” the coalition of griffons and ponies answered with glee.

“Wait, again? Well okay…” the dragon muttered as he laid the coins on the table.

╠═════════════╣

A few hours later, the dragon left the Cock and the Plucker only fall face down when he came in contact with the sidewalk. Turning his head ups he saw that the streets began to stretch and expand. He saw the cobblestone began to spiral down as a sense nausea came crashing. The dragon felt his stomach burn as he threw up in an alley. His headache made it hard to concentrate. He was drunk or as others would say he was wasted.

The dragon proceeded to wander aimlessly hoping to spot a familiar landmark to lead him towards where he was staying. “Maybe I could call a cab” he told himself before he remembered that he had just spent all his money, “Whatever it was good booze.”

He knew that he was lost in dark alleyways of Paris at the middle of the night. He couldn’t make out details of the buildings as they all appeared as a blur to him. The dragon lost his sense of balance as he once again tripped and fell face down to the street. With a grunt he lifted himself from the street and continued. Walking down the streets he came across a familiar park. He then collapsed on the soft grass deciding to lean on a tree next a flower garden. In the distance at the center of the park was a water fountain with the statue of some famous pony artist. Look further, the dragon could see damned tower where he was rejected. “Stupid tower.” He muttered bitterly before taking a deep breath.

Well at least he had a clue where he was and the hotel was only a few blocks away from the tower. Two blocks away from the hotel he found himself in front of the Saddle Arabian Embassy when he heard a familiar voice in the distance.

“-ke.” said the voice.

The dragon turned his head towards the direction of the sound. Turning his head north to at the end of  the street he saw the silhouette of a pony running towards him.

“-ike.” said the familiar voice.

The silhouette faded away as the pony approached the dragon. Closing the distance the dragon began to see familiar features of a lavender unicorn with a starburst cutie mark.

“Spike!” the unicorn shouted giving the dragon a hug. “Spike we were so worried about you! We noticed that you didn’t return to the hotel and were worried something happened to you as it go late. Where have you” - the unicorn took a sniff off Spike- “Have you been drinking?”

“Uh, calm down Twilight. Yeah I’ve been drinking-”

*SMACK!*

Spike saw the ire of  Twilight's eyes as he rubbed his head where she smacked him. “How could you?” she asked disappointment taking over her tone. “How could you Spike? We were worried that something had happened to you and it turns out that you are just goofing off and getting drunk. How could you do this to us. Couldn’t you have at least have the courtesy of telling us that you were going out?”

“I- I’m sorry. I wasn't thinking-”

“No you weren't mister.” Twilight chide him in a harsh tone causing Spike to flinch backwards. “Well I’m just glad that you’re safe.” she said softening her glare. Twilight took a deep breath before continuing, “Spike I’m not going to scold you, we both know that you did something foolish. Besides the girls are probably going to do that anyway.”

Spike felt guild building up with in for what had transpired. Maybe drinking wasn’t the best way to solve his problems. But it sure was the fastest and most convenient solution if you ignore the more problem it causes. He lifted his head to look towards worry in Twilight’s eyes and felt his heart melt. “Twilight I just want to saw that I’m sor-”

“I know Spike.” Twilight answered with a reassuring smile. “We can deal with this tomorrow when your reasoning comes back. But for now let’s just go back to the hotel and get a good night’s sleep.”

Twilight began walking up the street for a few steps before turned her head. She was Spike stumbling, leaning left and right, trying hard to walk in a straight line in front of him. “Spike are you sure you can make it to the hotel?”

“Yeah, yeah I can manage,” the dragon stubbornly said. As a demonstration he took  a few steps forward only to lose his balance and trip face down.

Twilight gave a sight, “Spike what am I’m going to do with you?” she asked.

A glow soon followed Twilight’s horn as an aura began to surround Spike. The dragon felt nerved as he found his being lifted and carried by the unicorn. “Twilight I don’t feel so good can you slow down?”

“Should have thought of that before you went and got yourself drunk.” she said. Spike simply groaned as he closed his eyes as sleep took over. Twilight continued walking down the sidewalk holding the dragon in her magic grasp. She didn’t noticed to shady individuals hiding in an alley way they were passing by.

“Hey pretty lady, what’s a lovely mare like you out here in the middle of the night?” asked a voice. Twilight turned around to see to rugged stallions heading towards her, one was an brown earth pony with blue mane and the other a lanky white pegasus with an orange mane.

Twilight raised her eyebrows are she confronted the stallions. “Excuse me?” she asked them, “have you any idea on who I am?”

The pegasus gave a confident smirk, “No but we do know a mare that’s about to have the time of her life.” that said the stallions began creeping towards Twilight.

Twilight remained calm and issued her ultimatum, “Okay you creeps. You can just turn around and go back to the dumpster where you came from and I will ignore that this whole thing just happened or you can be a fool and dare see what happens if you even try to lay a hoof on me.”

The pegasus snorted and turned said to the earth pony, “She’s a feisty one isn't she?” Then turning to Twilight he simply grinned and took a step forward, “Doesn't matter I like them rough any-WAAAAAAAY!”

The white pegasus felt himself yanked from the floor surrounded by a purple aura. He was flung across the street smashing into the side of a brick building before falling into an open trashcan.The earth pony stood there with his jaw in shock as the saw his buddy picked up thrown like a ragged. He gave a nervous chuckle as he turned to face unicorn.

“If you don’t want up like your buddy over there then I suggest that you turn around and run.” she told him.

The stallion simply ran away in fear. Twilight stood at the sidewalk watching his silhouette disappear in the distance before turning to the pegasus climbing out of the trashcan. He yelped as felt himself trapped in the unicorn’s aura. “Don’t you think that I’m going to let you get away easily. Come on Spike let’s take this menace to the local authority.”

Hearing no answer, she turned around to see that her dragon companion was missing. “Oh come on! Spike where are you!”

*SMASH!*

Unknown to Twilight, she had sent the dragon flying when with her magic when she flung the pegasus. Spike groaned in pain as he landed on a carpet. He opened his eyes and saw that he was surrounded by a group of irritated griffons.

"So, no hard feelings right?" he asked the guards as he leaned over a large container to empty the contents of his stomach before he lost his conscious.

1. Context Sensitive

Spikes Bad Week

Day One

Chapter One: Context Sensitive

Spike opened his eyes and was welcomed with a barrage of blurs as he woke up. He felt a sharp pain attacking his head. He struggled to lift his aching body from the cold hard floor but felt that his sense of balance was not cooperating. After taking a few steps he soon tripped and slammed down onto the floor with his face.

"Oww that hurts!” he grumbled to himself. He waited a while unit his vision cleared and began recalling the events of the previous night, “Okay so maybe I might have drank a bit too much.” His brain disagreed with a sharp pain in his head, “Oh shut up brain. Okay so maybe I’ve drank too much and now I got a bad hangover. Well it’s nothing I can’t handle just gotta find Twilight and get Zecora’s hangover remedy, no big deal it’s not like I got myself-”

Spike then took a look at his surrounding, the floor was gray cobblestone and three of the walls were made out of grey bricks. Too his left against the wall was a bunk bed with two hard mattresses and blankets, like they were of any use. On the opposite there was a sink and a toilet. The fourth wall of the dim room wasn’t really a wall but rather a series of metal bars.

“- arrested.” he finished as he absorbed his surroundings.

Okay now Spike what did you do last night? So I was at that bar and got wasted, then I went home. No wait, I met up with somepony on the way. Or did I? Then I was in the air and crashed into something. Oh Celestia, how drunk was I?

Spike grappled the bars and let out a sigh. Come it’s not that bad. So what? No big deal just waiting for somepony to bail me out that’s all. It’s not like I did anything that serious. No, don’t think like that. Wow Twilight must be really rubbing out on me, wait, wasn’t Twilight with me last night? I can’t really remember anything, it’s all a blur.

Choosing not make his pressing headache worse, he decided to look around his prison cell. To the wall behind him there were two green bunk beds with blankets that were stained with Celestia knows what. Next to the beds in a corner was a pile of burlap sack. On closer inspection Spike saw that it the sack was actually a scarecrow complete with a red shirt. Behind the scarecrow was a movie poster of a classic French romantic film. Across the cell there was sink and a toilet next to it. Apparently there he wouldn’t get any privacy when attuning to the call of nature. He then turned to see the scarecrow that seemed so out of place.

Wait is that scarecrow moving?

Indeed Spike saw a rhythmic moment coming from the scarecrow Spiked carefully observed before deciding to approached it. He chose to poke it going against his better judgment.  But then again his better judgment led him to a jail cell with a massive hangover.

“Wuh… uh who goes there?” came a raspy voice. Spike screamed and fell backwards as he realized that it was that the scarecrow that was talking to him. The scarecrow then proceeded to lift itself and was soon balanced on a wooden pole to with its burlap body was attached to. It was wearing and red checkered shirt and its head was also moving as its beady little eyes looked around the room.

Seriously his eyes were actually two little beads surrounded by black patches to look bigger. Then it proceeded to stretch its arms and scratch itself. The scarecrow turned its head and after noticing Spike then took a quick look around the cell as if noticing it was locked for the first time. “I guess you’re my new cellmate?” it asked Spike breaking the science.

“What are you?” Spike asked the scarecrow before mentally slapping himself for asking such a stupid question.

“I’m a scarecrow; don’t tell me you’ve never seen a scarecrow before?” It asked with irritation in his raspy voice. Well Spike though it was male, his voice has a masculine tone. That is if scarecrow even had genders.

“Of course I’ve seen a scarecrow before, what I meant to ask was who are you?”  Spike clarified.

“Me? Of course, yeah, the name is Birdy,” he introduced himself.

“Beardy? But you have no beard.”

“No not Beardy, Birdy, I scare birds.” Birdy said flapping his arms in the air as if demonstrating. “It’s kinda what I do.”

“Okay Birdy, I don’t feel that good and I have this really bad headache. I don’t know where I am so can help me while I recover from his hangover?”

“Help?” Birdy said before shaking his head “Nah.”He then paused in thought before he changed his mind, “Well actually I may help somewhat. Have you ever heard of ‘Context Sensitive’?”

“Context what?” Spike asked confused raising his eyebrow to what the scarecrow said.

“Context Sensitive, It means context sensitive. In that it is sensitive to context. Trust me it’s very useful, you’ll use it a lot. I taught it to a pink earth pony a while back and she baked me a nice cake. Best cake I’ve ever had.” Birdy tried to explain the dragon.

“But what does that have to do with me?” the confused dragon asked the scarecrow, “How is any of this going to help me?”

“I can teach you it. It’s easy” Birdy told him. He leaned back using the wall behind him as support as he tried to stand up straight. “It’ll help you long time. You love it long time.”

Well won’t hurt to try.

 “Okay Birdy how do you use this context sensitive.”

“Well whenever you are in a situation that needs context sensitive you hear this ‘Ting’ sound. When you do just do what comes naturally. Don’t question it, just do it, that’s how it works” The scarecrow explained to spike waving his arms in the air as attempting to demonstrate.

The young dragon was not amused with the demonstration “You got be kidding me, there’s no way that-”

*Ting!*

“Yeah just like that! When you hear ‘ting’ sound just do whatever comes naturally. Pretend like there’s some kind of button you have to press.” The scarecrow shifted towards Spike.

Spike sighed as he heard the ting sound. Where did it even come from? Spike looked around the cell to find any source of the noise but was met with no results. He felt a sting of pain reminding him of his ongoing headache. Spike decided it was not agitate his headache and decided to amuse Birdy.

Just do what comes naturally, huh?

He put his claw into his pocket and took out a bottle of beer.

Wait, since when did I have pockets?

“I don’t mind if I do,” Birdie interrupted his thoughts as he snatched the bottle and chugged down its contents before releasing a loud belch and throwing the bottle away. “That really hit the spot.”

“What was that?” Spiked asked confused more than ever.

“That my lizard friend was Context Sensitive.” Birdy explained as if what had occurred was nothing out of the ordinary. “It’s very helpful, yeah very helpful indeed.”

“But I just pulled a bottle of beer out of nowhere and I’m a dragon.”Spike corrected him.

“Whatever dragon pal, what you just saw was context sensitive in action, I was thirsty and you gave me a beer. That’s how it works; once you get hang of it becomes it easy. Just don’t expect it to solve all your problems.” Birdy instructed the dragon

“But this whole concept doesn’t even make sense?” Spike argued.

“I’m a scarecrow without any vital organs that somehow is capable of consuming alcohol without problem. Would like to explain how any of this makes sense smartass?” he countered Spike.

*Ting!*

Spike sighed as he reached into his pocket out of nowhere and pulled out another bottle of beer.

Don’t question it, just like Pinkie Pie. It doesn’t make sense and you don’t want to find out how it works.

“Just what I needed,” Birdy said as he snatched the bottle away from Spike. He then threw the bottle in the air and caught it with his mouth, swallowing the whole bottle. Spike looked in disgust as the scarecrow let out a loud belch. “That really hit the spot.”

The dragon held his claws against his nose, “how do you even have bad breath? You said that you had no organs?”

Birdy just brushed the question “I don’t know, now if you excuse me I’m going to take a nap now. “

With that the scarecrow let go of his balance and fell back down to his corner. Soon the sounds of snores filled the cell.

 “Well that was weird.” He muttered to himself. Looking across the room at the sink he noticed that there was a mirror above it. Spike then stared at his reflection for the first the same time since waking up. He was a mess. His eyes were red and weary and somehow his scales were missing their pristine shine and even the spikes on his back were ragged. “Wow I’m a mess.”

*Ting!*

To be honest I don’t understand how this even works but whatever.

 Spike then reached to the mirror and somehow mysteriously had a compartment behind it. There was a clean glass of water and a bottle of hangover remedy tablets. Without thinking, Spike grabbed the bottle and swallowed a tablet washing it down with the glass of water. The effect was instantaneous. He felt his headache go away and his mind clearing up. His eyes returned to his normal color as the red went away and soon his hangover was gone within a minute.

Well that was a big coincidence, just what I needed.  Just like Birdy wanted beer. Well as long as it’s convenient I’m okay all this Context Sensitive mumbo jumbo.

With the hangover gone Spike decided to sit down wall and began pondering about what was going to happen.

Well probably going to wait until Twilight comes to bail me out. Probably have to listen to one of her lectures and then never talk about this again. It’s not like I did anything serious, right?

╠═════════════╣

The High King of the Griffons was menacing sight to behold. More lion than eagle, his appearance alone was enough to ensure loyalty from his subjects. Few were bold or foolish enough to look up and defy his towering appearance. On top of his fearsome dark brown head was a crown of royal purple with gold trimmings decorating it with and elegant pattern. His sharp beak could tear many being to shreds without effort. Within his eagle claw he held the royal scepter forged from a master goldsmith. On his back was an elegant royal cape also with gold trimmings along the edges.

The king was upon the throne room and not in a happy mood. He was amidst trip visiting the majestic city of Paris: then that stupid lizard dragon had to come crashing down and had to ruin everything. Of course he was quite enraged that his vacation was cut short and was now in his throne room in a foul mood.

"Your highness, Professor Von Kripplesiten has arrived." One of his guards informed him.

"Good.” The king’s deep dark voice replied. “Let him in.”

Professor Von Kripplestein was King Gryphon’s trusted professor. Amongst being head of the Royal Griffon Academy, he was also and passionate scientist and alchemist. Some would say that he was too passionate given his quirky nature. He was a small lanky griffon that lacked social skills or lacked empathy for others. His legs were left immobile as a result of an explosion in battle during his general days. As a result he was confined to a hover-chair because “Wheelchairs are for ze squares.”

"Zes, did you call me your majesty?" he asked the king.

"Yes. I have an important task. My trip cut short." said the High King while pausing at every other word, "There was this issue. This dragon- He came. Spilled milk all over!” he roared.

"I see, zen wat do you want me to do?" Von Kripplestein asked hiding his intimidation. He knew when the king was in foul mood it was best to entertain him no matter how stupid his request was.

"The royal supply- Ruined. Make more." was the king ordered.

"More of ze vat?" Von Kripple asked.

“Of the Royal Supply." He repeated.

Von Kripplestein was chose his next words carefully, “Well I zee your highness, I need for you to be more specific for vat you vant me to do.”

“MAKE. MORE. CHOCOLATE. MILK!.” The king roared, letting out his inner lion.

"Oh I zee" –the professor shook his head- "Well I'll zee wut I can do."

"Yes- And be quick.” The king snapped. There was a brief pause before he continued, “Don't disappoint me. You don’t want

me, to bring the duct tape.”

Von Kripplestein gulped, "Yes I'll be quick. I'll have ze milk read in no time, no time at all. Gud day to you." He left the throne room. He knew that the king never joked about duct tape. Duct tape was very serious business and it was one of the few things that irritated Von Kripplestein beyond belief, the other being the king’s inability to speak in fragments longer than five words.

King Gryphon turned to one of his guards, "How's our guest?"

"He’s locked up in the dungeon your highness." said the guard.

"Is he awake?"

"I do believe so your highness."

"Good. I'll have some fun. Send in The Executioner.”

"Your highness are your sure-" the guard stopped mid sentence as he saw the glare in the king's eyes. "I mean I'll send the orders right away your highness."

╠═════════════╣

Down below in the living quarters of the dungeon guards two best friends were high stakes of poker. One of them, an auburn pegasus with a blue mane, was sure that he had the upper hand and had to call of his buddy’s bluff. The other guard was a young griffon with a white head feathers and dark brown torso was deep in concentration in looking at the cards in his claw. He was sure that pegasus was bluffing but had had to be sure.

The pegasus turned to friend and said, “Dude you might as well fold, I got this in the bag.”

The griffon puffed his chest before responding, “What you talking about? I can tell when you lying to me.” The griffon called his buddy’s bluff.

“Okay then-“the pegasus then revealed his cards by slamming them on the table, “how about now? Full house, what now dude!”  He shouted with a smirk.

The griffon sighted knowing that he had lost. “Fine so what’s your dare? “He asked.

The pegasus placed his hoof under his chin as if deep thought, “Hmm, how about we make this interesting, I dare you to streak down the hallway naked.” he said.

The griffon looked at the pegasus confused. “Dude we don’t normally wear clothes. What in the hell are you talking about?”

The pegasus paused and put his hoof under his chin in thought before he came the conclusion “I see ya’ point. Well it was a big deal with dem apes down in the deep jungle but anyways how ‘bout you just streak down the hallway out of uniform?”

“Fine.” The griffon mumbled before taking off his chest plate, the guard uniform was mostly for cosmetic purposes. The armor they wearied was not the best suited for battle and would hinder its wear more than actually offer protection. Besides real motherbucking griffons had no need for armor, only wimps and cowards relied on such things.

The griffon guard pictured himself as a brave ancient warrior out in battle as he began to charge down the quarters. He opened the door that led to the hallway and was about to let out an ancient battle cry only to stop when he realized who was in front of him.

“Captain, Sir! What can I do for you Sir?!” he immediately saluted.

“Why are you out of uniform you damned excuse for a guard?!” the captain barked. He was taller than an average griffon, and his strength was unmatched within the armed guard.  When the captain spoke you listened if you knew what was good for you.

Hearing the captain’s voice the pegasus rushed to the door along with his buddy. “Sir, what are your orders Sir!”

“I want to know why this pitiful griffon is out of uniform.  But besides chewing your heads off, I have orders from the king. How’s that dragon prisoner doing?” he asked the two guards.

“He’s doing fine sir. He woke up earlier this morning. Though I think he might be a little out of his mind” said the pegasus.

“Explain yourself guard!” the captain barked.

The griffon guard spoke next “Well he was talking to a scarecrow.”

“Yeah I was wondering about that.” Said the pegasus, “Why is there even a scarecrow in the dudgeon?”

“I know right. I was wondering about that too-“the griffon continued.

“Would you waste of feathers please SHUT THE HELL UP!” the sergeant roared at the two guards. His patience was thinning out at the sight of how those two idiots even made into the guard. “I don’t give a flying feather about the prisoner. I want to you two imbeciles to go to our dragon friend’s cell and escort him to the interrogation chamber. The king wants him to meet The Executioner.”

“Yes right away sir!” both guards answered as they were about to leave the quarters.

“You waste of feathers at least you can have the idiot change into his damned uniform!” the captain shouted at the guards. He sighed to himself, “I hate this job. I swear when I get that chance I’ll leave this pitiful excuse for a guard and I’ll lead some real soldiers. If only there was a war to fight to send those idiots to the front lines...”

“Um, captain we’re right here,” said the griffon guard.

“I know.”

╠═════════════╣

Spike was bored. He was sitting against the wall looking at the bars across of him. At first he tried to rest in one of the bunk but the mattress was hard and bumpy and the blankets smelled funny.  It didn’t help that Birdy was snoring next the beds in his corner. Spike did not understand how it happens but the scarecrow managed to have a very bad odor.

How can he even pass gas if he has no internal organs?

Spike then decided if there were any more opportunities in his cell to use context sensitive. He still had no idea how it worked other that it’s supposed to give him what he needs in that moment of time. As if it was sensitive to context… nah that would just be stupid.

Gah! This whole concept just makes no sense. It’s like Pinkie Pie, it just random and defies all reasoning. Let’s just leave it at that.

Deciding that there was no point in question the powers that be Spike grunted in boredom. There was nothing to do in his cell, who would have thought that living scarecrows made bad company?

So bored…

Shut up brain! It’s your fault I’m in the first place.

And whose idea was it to go out and go drinking because he got rejected.

Well you didn’t object to it at the time. Besides….wait, am I having an argument with myself?

Spike rushed to the bars of his cell clenching them in his claws before shouting “Hello? Is there anyone else in here?! Anyone, I think I’m losing it!”

*Ting!*

Spike turned to the sink towards the mirror knowing that there was no cabinet. After taking the hangover remedy tablets he later checked for what else was in the cabinet only to find out that there was no cabinet behind the mirror. It was just a small mirror hanging from a brick wall.

*Ting!*

The sound was clearer as he approached the mirror, and grabbing it he opened a cabinet that seeming came out of nowhere. There was a brown envelope inside. Spike opened the envelope only to find an application form into “Greenhill Germane Asylum for the Mentally Ill and Criminally Insane”.

Et tu context sensitive?

“Yo dragon! You in there?” shouted a voice coming down cell isle.

Spike turned around to see that there were two guards were approaching his cell. One of them was an auburn pegasus with a blue mane and the other was a lanky golden griffon with white feathers on his head.

The pegasus guard spoke “Ah, there you are dragon dude. Anyways we gots orders to take you to some other room or something. So we gonna open yo’ cell but you betta’ not do anything funny. I has my eyes on you dragon.”

“My name is Spike” he muttered to the guards.

The pegasus gave his grin as he continued, “Well then Spike, dragon dude, we gots orders to follow and that so yeah.  My name’s Blazing Skies by the way.”

The griffon guard groaned as he put his claw on his head and gave a deep sigh, “Are you really going to use that damned stupid name are you?”

‘Blazing Skies’ turned to his griffon friend and asked,” Well what’s wrong with ‘Blazing Skies’? I think it’s a badass name.”

“It’s not even your real name.” The griffon said before turning his attention to Spike, “Don’t mind this idiot, he thinks his real name is lame and is always coming up with some new name that his think sound cool.”

“Gerald you ain’t supposed to tell him that!” the pegasus shouted as his griffon friend.

“Well that’s your problem.” Gerald told the pegasus relishing in the fact that his friend was so easily irritated about his real name. “So Spike buddy, like I was saying, don’t mind this idiot over here. His real name is Cloudy Raindrop by the way.”

Cloudy Raindrop roared at his friend as he lifted his hoof to deliver a blow that struck against his the griffons face. “Why the buck did you tell him that dude?!” he screamed.

Gerald lifted his claw, blocking the incoming barrage of hits. “Well Cloudy, that’s what you get for getting in trouble with the captain earlier.” He said with a smirk enjoying his friend’s frustration.

Spike sat in disbelief as he saw the two guards fighting outside of his cell. Cloudy Raindrop gave uppercut the Gerald. The griffon was quick to recover and managed to land a hit at the pegasus. Soon the both were a standoff with both of them spreading their wings as they looking for a chance to strike the other. After a few minutes Spike decided it was time to intervene.

“Every calm the buck down!” he screamed.

Gerald and Cloudy Raindrop stopped mid fight as they turned to face the dragon. Gerald began to blush in embarrassment as he realized what he was supposed to be doing, “Sorry about that buddy, we kinda forgot that you were there.”

“Spike dude, don’t worry ‘bout us. Me an’ Gerald here have been best buds since we was little. We always fight for no reason, that’s how we is.” Cloudy Raindrop said.

“But aren’t you two supposed to be doing something?” Spike asked the guards.  “You know something about opening my cell door?”

Gerald quickly stood in a professional stance, “Yes, yes we were. We are supposed to escort you to the interrogation chamber.”

Spike felt the colors drain from his scales as he gulped upon hearing the news, “the what chamber?” he nervously asked.

Cloudy Raindrop pulled out of a key ring from one on his uniforms pockets, “Relax dragon, it’s just a name they give it. It’s more of questioning room; apparently they want some info or something. “

Spike exhaled his breath from relief.

“What Cloudy said, you just have to answer a few answers to The Executioner.” Gerald said.

Spike felt his blood freeze. An Executioner? But he was still a young dragon. He had his whole life ahead of him! He was only just considered an adult a few months ago and had so much to do. He began to hyperventilate as his began to think about his impending doom.

“Whoa! Spike calm down dragon dude. He’s not a real executioner, that’s just the title they gave him for being the most heartless, cruel and merciless son-of-a-bitch in the King’s service” Cloudy said in an effort to calm the dragon.

“Um… t-that’s not really helping.” Spike muttered on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Gerald groaned and he buried his head to his claws, “Spike calm down! You’re not going to die; he just wants to ask you a few questions.  Look just because he’s nicknamed The Executioner doesn’t mean that he’s going to hang you after he’s done questioning you.” He said before muttering under his breath, “maybe.”

“Um I don’t think I’m ready for that, so if you could just let me go and I’ll come back for questioning when I’m prepared for it.” Spike tried to convince the guards.

“Nice try” Cloudy Raindrop said as he began to unlock his cellar, “but we gots a job to do. We got orders to escort ya’ to the integration chamber.  Congrats dragon dude, you have a date with The Executioner.”

2. Citizen Spike

Spike’s Bad Week

Day One

Chapter Two: Citizen Spike

The interrogation chamber wasn't a torture room. The Griffon Kingdom was forced to abandoned most torture practices due to international pressure. That said the interrogation chamber wasn't a room for physical torture, however everything else was fair game.

Spike found himself strapped to a chair in the middle of a dark room. A bright light glaring over him, Spike had experienced a similar thing when Pinkie Pie had her mental break down and forced him to confess that he had used up all the hot water. But right now behind the lamp wasn’t a pink party pony but rather the silhouette of The Executioner. The griffon like being blended in with the shadows. The dragon shivered as he saw his two piercing eyes glare at him menacing like a hunter stalking its prey.

"You know what you did dragon. I have right here a stack papers reporting what happened yesterday. You can’t lie to me and whatever you say won’t change my opinion, so with that said, tell me what happened." The Executioner said in a cold calculated voice.

Spike gulped feeling drops of sweat trailing down his head. "I don't know."

"You don't know? Oh you don't know?! Are you saying you don't know what you what you did, are you taking me for an idiot?" the voice growled at him.

"I-I swear I have no idea on what happened-"

"Shut it!" The Executioner barked at him, “Don’t play stupid with me and don’t waste my time. I don’t like it when idiot’s waste my time.”

The shadow griffon pulled out a file of documents and threw it at the table in front of Spike, "I have everything recorded in these papers dragon. Now then tell me in your own words what happened."

Spike stared into eyes of his interrogator through the darkness glaring into his very being. "I don't know what hapend-" Spike stopped mid sentence as he felt intense light burn his eyes. The enraged griffon was focusing the lens at the dragon.

"Are you done playing stupid?" he growled at the dragon.

"Okay, Okay I’ll tell you everything I remember! I went drinking at a tavern and then I got drunk. I was wasted when I went walking out into the streets of Paris. I don’t know what happened, suddenly I, I was flying and then crashed downed. Last thing I remember was a bunch of angry griffons glaring at me." Spike confessed.

The Executioner paused for a moment as he analyzed what the dragon said. “So, why were you at the tavern?” he asked.

“Personal reasons, I don’t need to tell you. That has nothing to do to why I’m here.” Spike said puffing out his chest.

“On the contrary my dear dragon, it has to do a lot to why you’re here. First of all, why would anyone go to Paris to drink beer? Those cheeseheads are obsessed with wine and their beer tastes like crap. So I’m guessing that you must have gone to a griffon tavern, and most tourists don’t go to those places. So then dragon, tell me why you where you at the griffon tavern.” The Executioner asked with a shadowy grin.

“I-I had a bad day yesterday. It was supposed the highlight of the vacation where I confessed to the mare I’ve had my eyes on for years. It was supposed to be a romantic moment and then she said no. That’s why I went to tavern okay! Just-just wanted to go to place to drink my sorrows away.” Spike said as he lowered his head.

At first there was a smirk but soon The Executioner burst out laughing. The interrogation chamber was filled with the mocking laughter as Spike turned to look at the shadowy being that was relishing in his misfortune.

“What’s so funny about that?!” he screamed to his tormentor.

“You, you’re what’s funny, “his tormentor mocked.

 “You think that this is a joke? Do you think that I’m just a dog for everyone to just kick around just for your amusement?!”  The dragon indignantly questioned The Executioner.

“Yes and sit down and let me tell you why. This is the story of a little bitch that got rejected like a little bitch-“The Executor teased with vile laughter escaping his mouth.

“I-I… you can’t do this me! I have rights you know! I demand to speak to a lawyer!” Spike screamed to the shadowy griffon.

“I AM A LAWYER!” the voice replied.

“Wh-what?”

The lights flickered on revealing a simple gray room with few features. Spike that in the middle of the room in front of a table with a pile of documents. Across from him instead of the menacing silhouette of The Executioner was a rather lanky griffon dressed in a sharp suit and tie. His head was clean and preened and behind his glasses were his eyes reflecting a confident and amused attitude. Behind the griffon placed against a wall was another table stacked with many documents and folders.

“Yes Spike, I am a lawyer. Also everything I did was completely legal, welcome to the Griffon-Germane legal system dragon.” The Executioner said in a rather calm confident voice.

Spike was lost with words as he tried to comprehend what had just occurred. The griffon chuckled to himself as he walked behind Spike to undo the bindings of his chair. Spike stretched his arms in relief as he was able to move them freely.

“I have to admit that this has been the most fun I’ve had in awhile young dragon. It’s rare when the king allows me to have fun with a suspect.” The griffon spoke as he turned and picked up a file and began examining its contents.

“Who are you and how do you know my name?!” Spike inquired the lawyer with irritation lacing his words.

The griffon lawyer paid no attention to his tone as he continued to skim over documents, “Well how rude of me, I’ve forgot to introduce myself. My name is Axel Q. O’nner also known as ‘The Executioner’; I am the king’s personal lawyer and legal advisor. As for you Spike, you’re a dragon that’s in a heap of trouble with the crown.”

“But what did I do?”He asked the lawyer.

“Do you have any idea what happened last night?” Axel asked the dragon. Once seeing the dragon shake his head he returned to reading the document in his claws. “Fine I’ll tell you, last night while you were on your drunken escapade you managed to crash into the Royal Griffon Hotel in Paris. Be it the luck of the draw that in you happened to land onto the personal suite where the High King of the Griffon Kingdom happened to be staying at during his visit to Paris. I haven’t finished reading the full report but as so can see by the stack of papers behind me, I’ve got a lot of paperwork to go through because of you.”

“How bad is it?” Spike asked.

“Quite bad indeed especially since you’re being tried as a Griffin citizen.” Axel replied.

Upon hearing this Spike’s eyes shifted up as proclaimed, “But I’m an Equestrian citizen.”

The griffon lawyer chucked “You would think that wouldn’t you? Fine let me break it down to you Spike. Technically speaking you weren’t exactly born an Equestrian citizen, when you were hatched from your egg, you were considered to be more like pet. It wasn’t until you where three years old when the ponies finally realized you were intelligent being that you were upgraded to permanent resident status. “

The Executioner then placed a stack of documents in front of Spike before continuing, “They never really got around giving you citizen status, so for all these years you’ve haven’t been the citizen of any sovereign nation.  But don’t worry Spike I went through the paperwork with the king’s permission to fix that. Congratulations Spike as of this morning you are a natural born citizen of the United Griffon Kingdom of France and Germane. Now that being said, you are in deep shit right now.”

Spike sat in science as he tried to absorb what he had just been told. It was just too much to take in; he was an Equestrian citizen. He had lived there his whole life. There was no way what Axel said was true. “But I-I lived there my whole life, how can I not be and Equestrian Citizen?” he weakly asked.

Axel put a claw on the dragon’s shoulder and offered him a sympathetic smile “I don’t know Spike. I’m afraid that’s one the things I can’t answer you. But right now maybe we should focus on your trouble with the crown.”

“I guess, so what’s going to happen to me?” the defeated dragon asked.

“Well that depends, the king asked me to look into this case. I haven’t decided to accept it yet but let me tell you that I haven’t lost a single case in my career.” The Executioner boasted with a feral grin. “I’ve send so many lowlifes to their graves that they started calling me ‘The Executioner’.”

Spike glanced at the papers in front of him. Things may have not been looking good for him but that didn’t meat that he should just give up. He looked up at the lawyer with a defiant glace as he questioned him “So that’s it? You’re saying that I’m screwed?”

The Executioner turned his back at Spike as he began searching the stacks of documents. Finding the ones he was searching for he then turned to Spike and placed the documents next to the ones detailing about happened the previous night before speaking, “This stack of papers contains the charges you are facing. But don’t get me wrong dragon, I could easily get you off with a public apology and a few hours of community service.”

Spike turned to the griffon and asked him “Why would you want to help me? Why would tie me up to mock me if you were planning on helping me?!”

“Because it amused me,” was his response.

 “That’s it? This is nothing but a joke to you, why would do that? Who would insult a client that they are representing?”Spike asked at the lawyer with disbelief, how could he just treat this as a joke?

“The best damned lawyer in the entire Griffon Kingdom that’s who!” Axel shouted to the dragon while giving him a deep glare. The Executioner proceeded to open the files in front of him. “I may be a vicious prosecutor but don’t come to conclusions about me dragon. I’ve also have defended a couple of clients regardless of whether they were guilty or not. Right now I’m willing to offer you my services and you just keep refusing as if you have a death wish.”

“I don’t have a death wish!” Spike exclaimed.

“They why are refusing my offer?” The Executioner asked.

“Be-because, I don’t alright… It’s just that…”- Spike gave a sight as he decided it would be better to accept the lawyers services- “Fine, I’ll accept you services as a lawyer.”

“Well then I just have to decide whether or not I want to defend you.” Axel said, paying more attention to the files in his claws than to the dragon.

“But you just-“

“Be quite Spike, I still haven’t decided if I want to take in your case.” The Executioner said as he passed a couple of pages that he had read over to Spike. “Now you charges of property damage and burglary, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Right now there’s the whole issue about crashing into the king’s private suite, you’ll be lucky if you don’t get charges of treason.”

“That bad huh?” asked Spike as he glanced over the documents.

“Nothing I can’t deal with. Now let’s see the summary report about what happened yesterday,” said the griffon lawyer as he glanced at the other file, “well let’s see. It matches up to what you told me, you crashed through the window and ruined and expensive rug by spilling a glass of royal chocolate milk…”

“Wow those things are detailed aren’t they?” Spike nervously asked with a chuckle.

“You spilled the royal chocolate milk…” Axel repeated with a cold tone.

“No big deal right?” Spike asked.

The Executioner turned to spike with a deep scowl as he barked at him “No big deal? NO BIG DEAL?! You idiot do you have and damned idea on what you have done! You can forget about defending you in fact if I was your judge I’ll have you hanged and then have you hanged again. If that wasn’t enough, I’ll have your corpse dug up and hang it one more time!”

“B-but it was just chocolate milk.”Spike pledged.

“Just chocolate milk you say?” the enraged lawyer repeated. “Well then listen to me you little prick, I will personally take on this case and make sure that you what’s coming for you incompetence or my name isn’t Axel Q. O’nner. Now get out of my sight!”

The Executioner called for the guards to escort Spike back to his cell. When the dragon arrived at the cell room he saw that Birdy was still lying at his corner sleeping. Spike began poking the smelly scarecrow but to his disappointment he wouldn’t budge.

“Feck off crows…” he muttered within his slumber.

Spike sighed as he headed towards the sink. He glanced at his reflection on the mirror as he pondered over what had occurred within the last few hours. He woke up locked up with a cellar, talked to alcoholic scarecrow, and had to sit down with a mentally unstable lawyer that wants to have him executed for spilling chocolate milk. It as if he was locked up in a insane asylum rather than a dungeon.

“I need a drink” he muttered to himself.

*Ting!*

On second thought drinking was what got him into this mess in the first place and it what pretty early to be drinking. It wasn’t even lunch hour yet. Spike groaned as he sat on the on one of mattresses of the bed lost in thought. He knew that he had to escape from this nut house, but how?

╠═════════════╣

The High King of the Griffons was relaxing within his personal quarters of the castle when he heard knocking from the door. “Who dares interrupt me?” he gutturally asked.

A voice responded “Sorry for disturbing you your highness, but I’m one of the captains of your royal guard division. I bring you news on the prisoners meeting with The Executioner.”

The king opened the door to see one of his guards in front of him; apparently he was a captain rank or something. The king had hard time telling his guards apart and often confused their ranks. Even though the ‘captain’ in front of him was fairly tall by griffon standards he was dwarfed by the king’s own size, which the king took pride in that even his greatest guards were no match to his size.

“Ah, yes. So you’re a captain. Huh, must be short on guards. So captain, what did he say?” He finally asked the guard.

“The Executioner said he would accept the case and requested to be appointed judge.” The captain responded ignoring the king’s first statement.

“Good. I’ll make him judge.” The king said yet taking another pause, “I trust his judgment.  Also one more thing, the professor requests…assistants.” The king uttered as he turned around and began to head back to his quarters before

“Yes your highness, I’ll send them right away!” The captain saluted as he left.

 The captain heard the sound of laughter arrived to the door of the living quarters of the dungeon guards. Opening the door without bothering to knock he found Cloudy Raindrop and Gerald resuming their game of poker drinking who knows what. “I hope that’s not alcohol you idiots have there.” He announced his presence.

The two guards choked upon hearing the captain’s voice. The griffon recovered first,”Of course not Sir! We wouldn’t even think about doing that while on duty.”

“Gerald’s right cap’n, we wouldn’t do that. So what brings you here sir!” the pegasus saluted.

 “I want you two to escort the prisoner to Professor Von Krippenstein.” the captain ordered.

“But cap we just gots done escorting the dragon dude to Tha Executioner!” Cloudy Raindrop protested.

“Yes and know I have king’s orders to have the dragon escorted to the professor. So get to it you two!” the captain barked at the two idiots.

“Yes sir!”Gerald saluted as he headed out the doorway.

“Hey wait for me dude!” the pegasus shouted as he flew after the griffon.

The captain headed toward the table and picked up a cup from which they were drinking from. It was alcohol just like he suspected. He then headed towards the icebox located at the end of the room. He opened it and found a variety of beer bottles within.

“I get no respect around here.” He muttered to himself as he picked a beer bottle from the icebox.

3. Lunatic

Spike’s Bad Week

Day One

Chapter Three: Lunatic

A valid description of Professor Von Kripplestiens’ lab could be that it looked like what one would except from any typical lab… if that lab belonged to a mad scientist.  Spike glanced at the sight of equipment, flasks, powders, and potions scattered thought the room. An acrid smell filled the room because of mixture of chemicals spread throughout the lab. Towards the end of the room, he saw what looked like an operation table… with some kind of red stains. Spike shivered hoping that it was not what it looked like. Spike spotted the professor hovering around in his hover-chair with his attention engulfed by the microscopes in front of him.

Spike came to a table with flasks of various sizes and powders of different powders. On closer inspection, he saw that they labeled with strange names. A container of blue powder was label “Parasprite Fuel” and a yellow flask labeled “King’s Demise”. Spike reached out to pick up a flask containing a clear flask that labeled “Orphan Tears” underneath it he say that there were some scribbling underneath the label.

“Get ze filthy claws off my equipment!” screeched a heavily accented voice. Spike felt a chill travel down his spine as he turned to his side to come face to face with the professor that was glaring at him.

“Whoa! Dude you almost scared me there.” Spike said with a chuckle. He gulped as he saw the griffon professor’s glare intensify. Well only half of his glare of intensified, Spike noticed that his left eye stood firm and did not move. Yet the professor had managed to appear menacing regardless of his glass eye; one glass eye, a mechanical left claw, and no rear legs.

“Who are you and what are ze doing in my lab?” the professor uttered to the dragon.

“M-My name is Spike and they sent me here.”Spike answered. He hoped the professor wasn’t as insane as The Executioner but with him greatly matching the archetype of a mad scientist, it wasn’t looking good for Spike.

Surprisingly the professor’s glare softened when he heard his response.  “Ah.” He said, “so you’re ze one dat they zent? Gud, very gud indeed,” The professor turned in his chair and hovered down the lab, “Come, fallow me assistant.”

“Don’t you mean ‘follow’?” Spike asked.

“Dat’s wat I said. Come on, don’t make me repeat myself.” The professor responded hovering over the microscopes he was observing earlier. “So ze are a dragon rite?”

“Yeah I’m a dragon,” Spike said as he approached the counter where the professor was.

The professor turned to Spike, allowing him access to the microscope that he was observing. “Haven’t had ze chances to work with a dragon before. Come here, take a look in ze microscope an’ tell wat you zee.” he told the dragon.

Spike glanced at the familiar looking microscope. He had seen that model before in Twilight’s basement laboratory, he knew that this one of the best.  “What model is this?” he asked the professor.

“Zat is a LunaTech ECLIPSE Enchanted Model 3C-E,” the professor replied.

Spike whistled as he looked threw the scope of the expensive equipment. From what he could remember of Twilight’s long and detailed lecture was that this microscope was amongst the best that were available on the market. His eyes were greeted with a detailed image of a cluster – no a colony of cells. Using the controls to the microscope, he managed to magnify the appearance of the cells until he could make out the tiny features. “I see a colony of cells, prokaryotic cells to be exact. I would guess bacteria but their shape, their form; it’s all weird and unusual.” He observed. “Nothing like I’ve ever seen before.”

“Ah someone wit a knowledge of biology, zey actually zent me a competent assistant dis time. Gud, very gud.” The professor gleefully exclaimed to the dragon as his hover chair twirled in the air. “You apparently know how to use zis microscope, so have you been a lab assistant before?”

“Yeah kinda, I’m more of a personal assistant. Most of the time she just has me write down notes or help around the library—that sort of thing. But she has a lab in the basement of the library that she uses once in awhile and she has one of these microscopes down there.” Spike answered.

Spike moved from the microscope as the professor took over and resumed observing its contents, “I zee. Well ze are correct in that these specimens are a bit unusual. In fact zeese are a new species entirely—created from scratch if ze can believe it.”

“Uh- what?” the baffled dragon asked.

“I’m simply looking for answers of life zat’s all,” Professor Von Kripplestien said. He hovered toward a nearby cabinet and began to search its contents. “You zee dragon, I’m just researching the foundations of life by creating it from scratch. They bacteria zat you zee over here are the result of magicks and science—but I am getting ahead of myself. Anyway can ze stretch your arm for me?” the professor asked.

Spike stretched his arm forward in compliance when he felt a sharp sting in his arm. “Yeowch! What was that for?” He asked the professor as he saw him pull a needle away from his arm.

“Don’t be zuch a baby; I’m just taking a blood sample zat is all.” Von Kripplestein said as he stored away the blood sample. He hovered back to the microscopes and resumed observing the strange bacteria. “Like I said dragon, dis is my current project—ze creation of life. We all know or at least should know zat all life consists of zells. All I’m simply doing is trying to create zells form scratch- from nothing but organic materials and with a little boost of ze magicks.”

“But why?” the dragon asked.

“Why not?” the professor responded, “Because of the there are many things zat we don’t know. I zeek to find answers more specifically the answers to wat is life. To wat makes life possible in da first place, and wat better way to start that from the foundations of life.”

“Okay then-“Spike said as he looked around the lab, “so they sent me to be your assistant, so what exactly do you want me to do?”

The professor turned around in his chair and hovered to the east end of the lab that cluttered with junk and a complete mess. “I vant you to clean up dis mess and throw away ze junk.” he ordered.

Spike looked around at the sight of dirty flasks and equipment that in dire need of a good cleaning. He saw that some of the flasks smothered in mold and some working stations cluttered with unfinished experiments. The stench of stale chemicals left out in the open filled his nostrils. He knew that there were various safety hazards in front of him and that any sane scientist would have the lab quarantined until it was safe. Unfortunately, Professor Von Kripplestein was no sane scientist.

“Clean up ze dirty equipment, salvage wats still good, and throw away wats no good.” The professor instructed as he paused in front of a workstation containing various large pieces of chocolate that was floating a few inches above the table surface. “Do you know wat dis is?” he asked the dragon.

“It looks like chocolate but it’s levitating,” Spike answered.

“Zis is antigravity chocolate, it’s one of my inventions,” the professor responding as he stared at the floating pieces of chocolate. A pause filled the lab before he continued speaking, “I am ze greastes griffon scientist zat ever lived you know? I have the brightest mind when it comes to inventions and military stratigy and take deep pride in my work. So dragon, d o you know what else zis is?” he asked pointing at the antigravity chocolate.

“Uh—no?” the dragon answered.

“… Zis is…well zis… zis was a COMPLETELY STUPID INVENTION AND A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME!” the professor screamed startling the dragon.  “Do you know wat we do with useless inventions?”

The dragon shook his head.

“Out ze fuckin’ window it goes!” the professor exclaimed as he picked up a chuck of levitating chocolate and flung it out the nearest open window. He turned to the dragon, “Get rid of all zis junk—but don’t throw out ze window. I get enough complaints as is.”

The professor returned back to the microscopes as he gave instructions to Spike, “Over to your left is a container where you can safely dispose ze wastes. Use your brain, if ze not sure about something just ask me. I don’t vant to clean another bloody mess.”

Spike proceeded to do what the professor said. He grumbled as he thought about some things just do not seemed to change, here is was on vacation and what does he do? He has be a lab assistant and clean up after a quirky scientist.

Spike arrived to a workstation that was different from the others in that it was surprisingly clean. There was not a spect of dust on a table and everything was well maintaintd. On the table was a cookie jar shaped like a teddy bear, next to it was a pitcher filled with lemonade. Spike’s stomach growled in reminder that he had not had the chance to eat that morning. He was feeling a bit peckish…

“Ah wouldn’t eat zat if I vere you,” the professor said not bothering to look away from his precious microbiology. “Ja, I can sense where you are. Zis is my lab after all.”

Spike turned around towards the professor, only to see the back of his hover chair. “Those cookies aren’t ordinary cookies, zey are shrink-mints. Eat one of those; you will shrink to the size of a tiny rat. Moreover, zat lemonade does ze opposite it makes you grow in size. Its real use is to return you to your normal size after ze consume a shrink-mint. However, do not drink too much of it or you vill expand too much and explode, “the professor paused as he hovered to another microscope. “Those bloodstains were a pain to remove…”he muttered under his breath.

“So what do I do with them?” asked Spike.

Professor Kripplestein placed his mechanical claw at his chin as he pondered for a moment, “Vell as amusing as ze experiment vas, it had nothing to offer. So my assistant, just get rid of zat stuff  and put it in the disposal bin.”

Spike glanced at the cookie jar and pitcher; leave it to a mad scientist to turn a seemingly ordinary snack into a potentially lethal experiment. The dragon assistant lifted the lid of the cookie jar and was bombarded with the savory smell of chocolate chips—it’s a shame that these cookies would have to be thrown away.

*Ting!*

Or maybe not, the professor said that the cookies or shrink-mints as he called them would shrink them to size of small rat which might be useful. If Spike wanted to escape from this nuthouse of a castle it would be easier to sneak past the guards if he were a smaller size. Right now he was willing to take anything that would help get out of this predicament. Spike grabbed a few of shrinking cookies and quickly stored them in his pockets that only appeared when they were needed. He then pulled out a beverage bottle and read the label, ‘LunaTech  Magi-Thermos:  The beverage bottle that adjusts to your size!’.

Well that’s very convenient. Spike thought to himself as he filled the bottle with strange lemonade.

╠═════════════╣

After Spike made sure that the “borrowed” goods were safely stored within his pockets that only appeared when needed, he resumed his duties given by the professor. When he was all done, he puffed out his chest taking pride in job well done. He walked up to the professor whom was busing scribbling down notes on his work desk.

“Ja?” He asked the dragon.

“Uh, I finished with the task you gave me.”Spike responded.

“Wat? Already? Well it’s a nice change for once dat they sent me a competent being. You saved me a lot of time young dragon.” The professor praised the dragon.  He turned around and continued with his scribbling, “Now go away.”

“What?” the dragon asked.

Before Professor Kripplestein could answer, there was a buzzing sound coming from a nearby by room. The professor quickly rushed past the dragon as he headed towards the door. “At last, ze batch of ze chocolate milk is complete. Once I find out who ze asshole that cut ze king’s trip short and ruined my earlier batch… oh ze things I vill do to him.”

The professor turned around and saw that the dragon was staring at him with his mouth opened,”You still here? I told you to leave! And close your mouth, ze look like an idiot.”

“Yeah, okay then—I’ll be leaving now,” Spike said as he rushed towards the door. He knew that the professor was mad but he did not feel like finding out to what extent.

Upon hearing the dragon exit through the laboratory’s main door, the professor resumed with his monologue, “Now vere was I? O yes, ze chocolate milk. I’ve got ze batch all ready for the king. And just you wait my king- just you wait. Once my Tediz are ready… zen we will see who uses ze duct tape.”

The professor burst out in maniacal laughter as a flash of lightning lit the room. “Ah I see zat my lighting generator is still working. Gud, very gud…”

╠═════════════╣

When Spike was escorted back to his cell he saw that Birdy… was still sleeping. Oh, come on! How much sleep does a scarecrow need? It’s not like he needs it.

Spike sat on one of the bunk beds as he thought of a plan to escape. Well I could use the enchanted cookies to slide threw the bars, but I don’t know the layout of the castle. Maybe if I can find a map or something like that…

There was a silent pause.

After a while, Spike gave a sight. I thought that would have activated Context Sensitive. Seems that there are limitations on how it works. How can something that defies all knowledge have a set of rules that if follows?

Spike stood up and began pacing back and forth throughout his cell. When he walked past the sink he heard the familiar *Ting!* sound. Hmm something involving the sink? Well then lets see. Spike reached out to the mirror, but it wouldn’t budge. Come on! This worked before two times, why isn’t it working now? He thought to himself as he struggled but failed to find the secret compartment that was there before.

Maybe it’s not the sink, but something near it?

Spike walked began to walk around the sink when he heard the *Ting!* noise. He stopped and found himself facing… the toilet.

You got to be kidding me…

Spike sighed as he stood in front the toilet. “C'mon really!?” he shouted.

“Huh, wat’tha?” Birdy said as Spike’s outburst woke him from his sleep. “What’s with the screaming?” he asked the dragon.

“Sorry about that Birdy, I’m trying to use Context Sensitive but it wants’ me to do something stupid.” Spike answered.

“Just roll with it, It doesn’t have to make sense.” Birdy answered, “It could take to far places, very far places. Hey, you might even become an ambassador, or a spy, heck you might even become king. What matters is that you have ‘the gift’.”

“Wait, what?” the confused dragon asked.

“You have the ability to use Context Sensitive of on the palm of your eh, claws. Not many do, I don’t even have it. But I can sense it in you.  Sure, I can hear the ‘ting’ noise and stuff but I can’t fully use it. I know a lot about it, in fact I dedicated a good chunk of my life studying it... only to discover that I could only partially use it. In the end, it was a waste of time but life goes on kid. Probably would have used the ability to get myself an infinite supply of beer, speaking of which do you have any more beer?”

“Isn’t it a little too early to be drinking?” Spike asked.

Bridy folded his arms in disappointment, “Fine be that way. Next time you wake me up, make sure that you have some damn beer with you. I’m going back to sleep.” Within a short while, the scarecrow was snoring again.

Spike turned to the toilet.

*Ting!*

This is still stupid. But it’s not like I have any more options, well any better options… well it’s the an option. Let’s just leave at that, an option.

Spike reached into his pocket and pulled out one of the cookies.

“Well here goes nothing.” He said as he ate it. He began feeling a strange sensation overtake his body as he saw the world began to swivel back and forth between his eyes. He leaned to the toiled as he grabbed it for support. Soon however, he fell into bowl and splashed into water. He headed towards the edge of the water as his mind began to clear.

That was was weird, but it doesn't’ feel as bad like when Twilight casts one of her unexpected teleport spells on me. Sure could use something to help breath underwater.

*Ting!*

Spike pulled out a diving mask from his pocket that was perfect to his size.  Okay then, I have my diving mask on, let’s do this.

FLUSH!

Spike spun in circles as he the current of the water began to pull him into the spinning vortex. On second thought, maybe I should have chosen a better escape plan.

Then the world turned black.

5. Into the Rat's Nest

Spike’s Bad Week

Day One

Chapter Five: Into the Rat’s Nest

Within the living quarters of the dungeon guards was the captain of the Royal Griffon Guard. He was in a most sour mood. He fumed as he marched back and forth in the living quarters of the dungeon guards occasionally glaring at the two guards in front of him.

 One of them was an auburn pegasus named Cloudy Raindrop, which the captain was convinced that the only reason he was on the guard was because there was a shortage in guards and they would take in anyone. The other guard was a lanky griffon by the name of Gerald, which the captain perceived to the smarter of the two—but considering who his buddy was… it didn’t take much effort.

“Okay,” the captain said as he broke the science, “To be honest I didn’t expect much from each of you.” He said as he glanced at Cloudy Raindrop, “Well at least one of you. That’s why I only gave you one assignment, just one simple assignment. Now can you tell me what that assignment was?”

“Well you gave us orders to watch over the dragon locked up in the dungeons.” Gerald said with a nervous twitch in his eyes.

“Yes. Now then, can you tell me why the prisoner’s cell is empty?” the captain asked viciously as his voice became more and more vexed.

There was a pregnant pause as the two guards in question turned to face each other with nervous glances. They didn’t know what to say. The captain was furious and looked like he would burst at any moment. All it took was for them to say the wrong thing and they would face the captain’s wrath.

“Well—uh, you see… its-“Cloudy Raindrop stuttered trying to find the right words to say.

“Yes I’m listening,” the captain said with a cold calculated voice.

“Well you see da prisoner, uh, he kinda escaped from his cell?” the pegasus said with a sheepish smile.

“I see,” the captain said coldly, “That was pretty obvious when I saw that his cell was empty. But what I want to know right now is why in the hell are you TWO IDIOTS ARE STILL HERE!”

Cloudy Raindrop and Gerald flinched as the captain’s roar shook the very room they were in. The captain took deep breaths as he vented his anger. His face had an expression of hate and his eyes were contemplating about murdering the two incompetent guards in front of him. Eventually he managed to calm himself and took a deep breath.

“I don’t care how he did it, I don’t care whose fault it is. Knowing you two, I wouldn’t be surprised if one of you forgot to lock the cell door.” The captain marched in front of the pegasus and gave him a piercing glance as he flinched. “As much as I want to run both of your asses out of here, I can’t. Mainly because it’ll be too much of a hassle to find replacements since no self-respecting being would apply for your positions.” The captain bitterly muttered.

The two guards sighted in relief at the prospect that they still had their jobs. “Well then,” the captain continued, “I want to you two to find our escaped prisoner. I am warning you right now; don’t even think about returning here until you found the prisoner. You got that?” He barked.

“Yes sir!” Gerald responded with a quick salute as Cloudy Raindrop followed suit.

“You may still have you jobs right now but that depends if you manage to find to find the escaped convict. Now get out of my sight before I change my mind,” the captain said with as much malice as could. He turned and left the living quarters grumbling to himself on where his life had gone wrong and what he had done to deserve this fate.

Once the captain was out of hearing range, Gerald turned to his companion and said, “So Cloudy—you did remember to lock the cell didn’t you?”

Cloudy Raindrop gave a nervous chuckle as Gerald buried his face into his claws. Sensing his friend’s irritation, the pegasus tried to calm him down. “Yo c’mon Gerald it’s just one dragon. How hard would it be to find a dragon? He would stick out in a crowd, maybe one of' the other dungeon guards seen him eh?”

“Yeah, well good luck with that,” Gerald muttered as turned around and left not finding amusement in his companion’s joke.

 Cloudy Raindrop and Gerald were the only dungeon guards within the castle. Next to the royal castle where a state of the art prison and an insane asylum. That meant that the castle dungeons were rarely ever utilized. Being a dungeon guard was considered to be a dead position with little chance of promotions; therefore nobody in the guard wanted it.

Those nobodies went by the name of Cloudy Raindrop and Gerald. They pay was decent and most of the time they were in the living quarters playing poker or drinking. In fact looking after Spike was their first assignment in a while. Gerald winced as he thought on how well that assignment went as they left the castle ground in search of the escaped prisoner.

“So do you know where to start looking? My guess is that he probably headed to one of the nearby villages.” Gerald said as he glanced towards the horizon.

“How ‘bout we flip a coin?” Cloudy responded, “Let’s see, and let’s go that way.”

“You do know that there are three villages nearby?” Gerald said irritably. Seeing that his buddy was already up in the air, Gerald stretched his wings and leaped towards the air in pursuit of his friend. They headed east in start of their quest to find the dragon.

╠═════════════╣

Spike was totally lost. He had no idea where to go as he wandered aimlessly through the sidewalks of the Aquaris, the name of the city of frogs and rodents located within the griffon sewer system. He could just leave and find a way to go back to the surface but that would be leave a problem about his size. Right now he was the size of average rat due to some eating cookies made by an insane professor.  It’s not like he had a choice. But the only way to return him to his normal size was to drink some crazy growth lemonade made by the same professor. He had to be careful when he drank it, because according to the professor if one drank too much his body would keep inflating until it eventually explodes into a bloody mess.

That didn't matter right now since his flask of lemonade was confiscated by a big beefy bullfrog. Leave it to his luck that the first place he ended up was a port that belonged by the frog mafia. They decided to spare his life but only in exchange for a job. He had to find out how a rival gang was smuggling booze into the city.

Spike had no idea where to start. Goldfly didn’t even tell him where to start looking, as if wanting him to fail, which most likely he did. The dragon grumbled as he wondered looking for any leads or clues. He passed by crowds of rat, mice, frogs, and even a few salamanders that were busy with their daily tasks and jobs.

“Hey buddy, can you spare a brother some change?” a voice asked

Spike turned around to see a large bumble bee that was sitting against the wall of an alley way. His appearance was rugged and his body was rough and patched. His eyes were red from either lack of sleep or heavy drinking, possibly both.

“Sorry I don’t have anything with me,” Spike responded as he tried move on.

The bee gave a sigh as he stared the wall in front of him with disappointment. “You know, back in my home country I used to be a king. Well that was until the bitch threw me out,” he said bitterly. “She kept complaining about the hive being stolen by the wasps. I didn’t care. Couldn’t fit into the damned thing anyway—you should have seen how fat she was. So now here I am reduced to the status of a bum.”

“Well that’s interesting and all but I think I have to go now.” Spike said as he turned to leave.

“Fine then, leave just like the rest. I guess I won’t tell you about the location of a stash of big, juicy, tasty, and delicious gems.” The bee said dismissively.

Spike paused in his tracks then turned around, “Gems?” he asked with a hint of greed in his eyes.

“Ah, I thought that would get your attention, you being a dragon and all.” The bee responded.

Spike glanced at the bee with surprise, “Wait, how did you know I’m a dragon?”

“My old home country, my old hive, was up in the surface world. I’ve seen plenty of dragons from far away and you looked like one of them. So I just thought if I talked about gems it would get your attention since I’ve heard that dragons are a bunch of greedy bastards.”

“I am not greedy!” Spike shouted indignantly.

“Well then, why did you get all excited when I mentioned the stash of gems?” the giant bee retorted.

Spike fumed as he glared at the bee giving him a satisfied smirk. “Okay then, tell me then. If you know the location of a hidden stash of gems, then why are you out here being a bum? I bet that you are lying and there isn’t even a stash of gems.” Spike accused the bee.

The bee rose began buzzing around Spike, “Look I’ll admit that I’m a lot of things. But I’m not a liar; well at least I’m not a skilled liar. Couldn’t tell a damn lie to save my life, pretty much one of the reasons why I’m out here. I tell you that there is a stash of gold and gems somewhere within this city. I don’t know the exact location but I do know where to look. I’ve overheard a couple of things at a bar.”

Spike snorted his nose in disbelief. “Like a bar is a reliable source of information,” he said irritably towards the bee.

“Hey, you’ll be surprised how loose a poor bastard’s lips can become after a couple of drinks. I can assure you that a couple of times I’ve heard some rats gloat about their stash of treasure they acquired. They called themselves the Bilge-Rats or something like that,” the bee said.

“Well are you going to tell me about the location of the stash or not?” Spike asked as his patience was wearing thin.

“I was getting there,” the bee said, “It’s just that every time I got around to hearing them reveal the location of their stash, I passed out and ended up waking up in some alley.”

“So you don’t know? Well that’s good to know. I guess I’ll be going now then.” Spike said as the turned and began marching away.

“Wait!” the bee shouted as he buzzed in front of the dragon. “Look I’ll tell you everything I know. I don’t ask for much—just for a good drink.”

“So you want booze?” Spike bluntly asked the bee.

“Hey,Information isn’t free. Besides, what do you think I spend the money folks give me?” the bee responded with a shrewd smile. “If you want help from this brother then you have to help this brother out first.”

*Ting!*

Spike heard the familiar ting sound ringing in the back of his head. Taking a deep breath, he reached down into his pockets and pulled out a bottle of beer. It was the same kind the he had given to Birdy the scarecrow. He passed the bottle to the bee.

“What’s this?” the bee asked as the received the bottle. He opened it and took a deep sniff. “What is this crap?” he said as he tossed away the bottle in disgust.

“You said you wanted a drink.” Spike said with indignation.

“I said that I wanted a good drink. Not some cheap-ass beer that goes right through you and gives you the runs.”

Spike thought for a while before speaking to the bee,”So then, where can I find something for you then? I’m sure that you want a good drink my good bee, where can find the finest drinks around?”

The bee buzzed up and said with joy, “Well there’s nice bar nearby that sells the best rum. It’s kinda under the table because of the booze tax. But I can point you out its location.”

Spike followed the bee through the twists and turns of the city canal system but had no time to take in the sights. He crossed a couple of bridges over then into a couple of frogs and mice. He apologized to those that he bumped and ignored their glares as he followed the bee.

The bee stopped in front of alley way between two large buildings and turned to Spike, “The bar is down there deep within The Alley.”

Spike gave the bee a glare and said, “Sure down a dark and smelly alleyway, there’s no what that this could be a trap.”

It was the bee’s seemed to ignore the dragon’s sarcasm “Oh there are a bunch of traps down there. Remember when you come to always make a turn when you come to one. If you keep on going straight… well you’re going have a bad time.

“What’s that about all those traps?” asked Spike.

Seeing that the dragon was still giving him an intense glare the bee quickly said in defense, “I did tell you that it was under the table bar.”

“Well then why don’t you come with me then?” the dragon asked him. “I’m sure it would be less of a hassle if you lead the way.”

“Well I’m not allowed down there,” the bee said bitterly, “I ran up my tab at the bar and am blacklisted until I pay up my tab.”

“Well you better make it worth it.” Spike grumbled, “If I do come back with your drink, you will tell me about the gem stash… right?”

“Oh yeah I overheard everything, its being held in some kind of safe. Apparently it’s always on the move so the location is never consistent. I’m sure that you can find more info in the bar down there…” the bee paused as the words came out of his mouth. He muttered a stream of curses as he flew off on how he had been hoodwinked by a dragon. To Spike’s amusement none of the passer-bys seemed to pay attention to be bee as he flew past them.

When the bee was out of sight, Spike heard a noise coming from behind him. He turned around to see a lanky brown rat scurrying out of the alley. The rat turned to the dragon and gave him a dirty look.

“Well, why are standing there like a damned idiot? Move on or go inside the damned alley but don’t just stand there like a retard! You’ll attract unwanted attention.” He said as he scampered away.

Spike brushed the insult aside as he entered the dank, dark alley. He descended through its various twists and turns that soon Spike had no idea what direction he was heading. The paths where barely lit, with a few lanterns hanging here in there but they didn’t do much to help. The lack of light did not affect Spike much, one of the perks of being a dragon was that he see in the dark, but even with his somewhat night vision, he still had had a hard time navigating through the maze of passages. He followed the bee’s directions and made of turn whenever it came across his path. Soon however he began to feel that he was traveling in circles and felt anger that the bee had tricked him.

I should have known better than to trust a drunk.

Eventually his anger brushed away when he saw the light of the end of alley and found himself in a small private square. In the center there was a statue of a rat standing proudly with in a decorated uniform. The ceiling was covered with various lights that ranged from lanterns to light orbs, giving the square an orange yellow glow. The edges of the underground square were decorated with various storefronts of the illicit businesses located there. Spike turned around to see an old wooden sign with “Rat’s Nest Square” painted on it with faded black paint was peeling off.

An unusual sight caught the dragon’s attention. At one end of the square he saw it was clean compared to the rest of the square. It had a storefront that gave it the illusion of being part of a large ship. In the middle was a large wooden door that was being guarded by a rat. To the side of it was neon sign that read “Bilge Rat Bar”.

That must be the bar that bee was talking about. He thought to himself as he approached the bar.

The rat that was acting as bouncer seemed familiar to Spike. As he approached him, he began to recognize the rat. It was one of rats from the slides that Goldfly had showed him, it was Rico. The rat glanced at him suspiciously before asking him, “What are you doing here? We don’t get many non rats down here in the Rat’s Nest.”

“I’m here for a drink.” Spike responded, “I’ve heard that you serve the best rum around.”

“Damn right.” The rat said with pride. “Well don’t really care if you’re a rat or not as long as your gold is good. But first things first…”

Rico walked around Spike and took deep sniffs of him as he circled him.

“Hey what’s the big idea?” Spike asked the rat nervously. His ear looked worse up close than it on the projector slide, but missing ear chunk was just one of rat’s features. His body was decorated with various scars that the rat displaced with pride.

“I’m just making sure that you ain’t hiding something. But don’t worry about that, you're clean.” Rico said calmly as he opened the wooden door. “You may enter,” he said as he led the dragon in.

╠═════════════╣

Rico knocked on the captain’s door before opening it. Inside was a small office crowded with many miniature modules of different kinds of ships. On his desk was Captain Nacho engulfed in detailed diagrams and blueprints of ship designs.

“Boss we have another spy,” Rico said.

“How do you know? Are you sure you aren’t being biased towards frogs again?” Captain Nacho asked without turning away from his precious diagrams.

“Nah, he ain’t a frog. He’s more like some deformed amphibian. But besides his appearance, he smelled like eggplant parmesan, the good kind. He also had the unmistakable scent of frog as well. There’s only one frog we know that has decent taste and appreciation for cheese.”

“Don Frogso.” Captain Nacho muttered bitterly.

“Do you want me to deal with him?

“No,”said the captain as he stood from his chair. “I’ll deal with this so called spy…personally.”  The captain grabbed the nearest dagger to him and tested his sharpness. “And if it turns out that he really is a spy—I’ll make sure that you get into the fun as well Rico.”

Rico gave a cruel smirk and sniggered at the cruel thought of what punishment he would deal when given the chance.

His thoughts fell apart as Captain Nacho threw the dagger and swished passed Rico, only just narrowly missing him, and landed with a dull thud onto the wall. “But I’m warning you now Rico, it this turns out be a false alarm because of you distrust of non-rodents…”

Rico did not respond.

Captain Nacho glared at Rico as he rolled up the ship charts. “Go back to your post. And hope that you’re right because norat, and a mean norat, interrupts me when from my precious shipping.”

╠═════════════╣

Spike looked at the menu with confusion on why in the world would the bar server over 40 different combinations of cocktails. He looked around the bar from his corner and saw that there were only a few customers in the bar.

Probably must be a slow hour.

From the behind the bartenders stand he saw a pair of doors burst open as a rat came trotting out. He scanned the bar and spotted the dragon. He proceeded towards him with a cheerful smile. As he approached him, Spike quickly identified him as Captain Nacho of the Pi-Rat gang. He wasn’t wearing a captain’s hat and a deep rich red coat with gold trimmings. His whiskers were neatly combed and waxed, and his teeth were surprisingly clean with a pearly white.

“Why hello my dear sir, what brings you to my humble establishment? My name is Nacho C. Bean.” Captain Nacho introduced himself with a refined and formal voice.

“My name is Spike and I just came for a drink.” Spike said while glancing at the menu.

“So anything in particular that grabs your interest?” the captain asked with a warm smile.

“Not really,” said Spike said as nervousness began to take hold.

“Barkeep, bring my guest here some of the best and finest drink we have. I would suggest Cleartongue Vodka,” Captain Nacho ordered the bartender. “I want my esteemed guest here to taste one of most expensive drinks we have.”

I hope it isn’t too expensive. The dragon thought to himself. I’m kind of on a tight budget right now and that would be that I’m completely broke.

As if he could read his mind, Captain Nacho gave Spike a reassuring smile and said, “Don’t worry my new friend. It’s on the house. Consider it a welcome present.”

The bartender arrived at the table with a large bottle and a couple of shot glasses. Captain Nacho quickly grabbed the bottle and served two of the shot glasses and passed one to Spike. “Well drink up buddy,” he said.

Spike drank the clear liquid and felt it burn down his throat. He hacked and wheezed as he felt a strange burning sensation pass through him. The burning sensations soon faded as Spike found a tranquil and calm sensation take its place.  It was if his mind had had decided to take and vacation and his thinking became relaxed. “Wow, that stuff is strong,” Spike said coolly.

“I hope it’s not too much for you to handle.” Captain Nacho said with mock indignation.

“Of course not,” said Spike as he took a shot of the clear liquid.

“So then Spike, where do you come from?” the captain asked.

“Me? Well you can say that I come from across the great sea.” Spike said without much thought.

Captain Nacho gave Spike a incredulous look before brushing it off and continued with his questions. “That’s quite a distance, so what brings you down here?”

“I was supposed to be on vacation,” Spike muttered taking another shot.

“And you chose to come down here on vacation?” Captain Nacho asked in disbelief.

“Well not down here. But up there in the surface world, it was supposed to a vacation in a romantic city. But things didn’t go to plan,” said Spike.

“What happened?” Captain Nacho asked with curiosity.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Spike muttered.

“Oh don’t be like that,” said the captain and he poured Spike another shot.

Spike quickly drank up the clear liquid and continued, “Long story short, I ended behind bars. I’m not sure if it was either a nuthouse or everyone in that dungeon was just crazy. So I escaped and that’s how I ended down here in the sewers.” The dragon paused and took another shot. “Then I had the warmest welcome with the stupid frog welcoming comity greet me,” he said bitterly.

Upon hearing about the frogs, Captain Nacho pried wide open. “What was that about frogs?” he inquired the dragon.

“They were a bunch of jerks. And then there was that one frog, Gadfly, or I think that’s his name. Any so Gadfly comes and tells me that I’m trespassing or something, how was I supposed to know? I just got here and then some frog comes in with a bunch of his cronies armed with clubs and stuff.” Spike grunted as he took yet another shot.

“So what happened next?” Captain Nacho asked.

“They took me with the boss. He smashed some poor frog’s head. Then we had lunch. Told me that he would spare my life if I did some assignment for him, I took the offer, it’s not like I had much choice. But then Gadfly had to come bursting in. I don’t know what’s shorter, his height or his temper. Have I told you that I don’t like that frog? Why I ought to—“Spike began to trail off.

Captain Nacho cleared his throat. He served Spike another shot which the dragon greedily consumed. “So about this assignment, what did the frogs want you to do?” he asked.

“Wanted me to spy on some pirate gang, they told me that they were smuggling booze into the city. The frogs wanted me find out how they were doing it. But of course that stupid short frog seems to forget to tell where to start looking. I’m starting to believe that he just gave me an impossible for me to fail. I mean if Gadfly and the rest of frog mafia couldn’t find out how this pirate gang is doing it, what chance do I have? And the slides of those three rats don’t help much.” Spike said as his mind began to feel a bit cloudy.

“What three rats?!” the captain shouted as he stood from the table. He quickly relaxed himself and took sat down. “Sorry about that outburst, but what was that about three rats?” he asked as he poured the dragon another drink.

“Well it was just some slide of the heads of the rival gang. Come to think of it, you seem a bit familiar…” Spike wondered off.

“Oh don’t be silly. We’ve just met for the first time, how could you have seen me before? You must be mistaking me for somerat else,” Captain Nachos said coolly as he passed the shot glass to Spike.

“I guess you’re right,” said Spike as he drank another shot of the vodka. “So then I go out the harbor and I find the don there. He just skims over what Gadfly told me. There’s some kind of interruption and the frogs force me to leave. And that pretty much it.”

“That’s it?” Captain Nacho asked. “Are you sure there isn’t something else you missed?  What was the interruption about?

Spike’s judgment was blurred at the moment but that did not stop him from speaking, “Well some messenger came running and told the frog don that some other gang decided to raid one of their outer warehouses, whatever that means.  So he ordered to gather half of their soldiers to go defend the warehouse. He then left Gadfly in charge and said he was going with his soldiers to teach that gang a lesson.  And that’s all I managed to overhear.”

Captain Nacho pondered over what the dragon told him. “So Don Frogso decided to send his soldiers and went with them as well.” Captain Nacho was seemed to talking to himself rather than the dragon, “So then that means that he probably left Goldfly in charge... Oh that might do just fine.”

The captain gave Spike a wide grin. “Well thank you my dear guest. But I must ask you if you want another drink?” he asked Spike as he pointed to the bottle of vodka on the table.

“Yes,” the drunken dragon replied with a cheerful grin.

“Well then you can have… THE WHOLE BOTTLE!” the captain roared as he picked up the large bottle and smashed into Spike’s head. Shards of glass shattered all over the table and floor as the rat captain straighten up and left the table.  He turned to the bartender and said “Clean that mess up. Have Rico come in and lock that lizard up but tell him not hurt him until I give him the orders to do so.”

He marched straight to pair of scruffy rats that were at the other side of the bar, “I want you two to gather the rest of the scouts and go check if that lizard’s story was true. Then come back and report to me.”

He turned around as the doors to bar open and Rico came in. “Ah Rico there you are! Well it seems that you were right but sadly I cannot let you have fun with him right not. Just take him down to the holding cell for now. But Cleartongue never lies, so gather the rest of my rats. We’re going raid the Frog Mafia.”

4. Waterworld

Spikes Bad Week

Day One

Chapter Four: Waterworld

Spike hacked and wheezed as his claws reached the nearest platform. “The snorkel… it does nothing,” he muttered to himself as he climbed onto the platform. Making sure that he was on solid ground, he collapsed as he recovered his breath. “Yeah should have definitely chosen a different method of escape.”

Once he recovered his strength, he checked his pockets. The cookies were ruined and no good but the magi-thermo was still good. he then began to take in his surroundings and glanced up towards the grey brick walls of the sewers that seemed colossal in his current size. He noticed even though he was in the sewers, there was a lack of a pungent smell, there was a stale odor but nothing offending. The water was surprisingly clean as well, sure the water had a bluish-green tint to it but it lacked the sight of any… unfavorable materials. Unknown to the dragon, the griffons had developed an intricate sewage system with various enchantments that acted like filters.

Yet the biggest surprise to him was in front of him. There within the sewers was a whole society complete. In front of him was makeshift city with buildings made out of metal, wood, and any other material that was scavengable. Instead of streets, there were canals where the sewer water flew through. To the side of the canals there were sidewalks with bridges connecting them.  Spike that he city was thriving as he saw rodents and amphibians of all kinds chatting and going on with their daily business.  The canals were also bursting with activity with mice and frogs navigating through the waterways on boats and canoes of various shapes and designs.

Spike turned his head upwards as he glanced at the ceiling and saw various gaps of sunlight breaking through that offered a source of light. But it mattered little compared with the street lights and signs that filled the city. He turned to around and saw that he was standing on a pier complete with docks and warehouses.  Then he saw the sign that read “Private Property: Trespassers will NOT be tolerated!!!".

Well then looks like I find a find a way out of here, He thought as he glanced at the ceiling again. On closer inspection he noticed that there was an intricate system of pipes, platforms, and walkways within the upper levels of the sewer chamber. Wow they even have an upper city, well then I guess that’s a good place to start as any. Well got to get out here before someone finds me.

“Well would you look at what we got here,” came a gritty voice from behind him.

And here we go…

Spike turned around to see a cluster of five frogs armed with clubs and knives heading towards him. In front of the crew was a short stubby frog that was wearing a sharp beige pinstripe suit. He walked towards the dragon while the rest of his crew followed close behind him. “Looks like we got ourselves a visitor, we don’t get many visitors here... and you know why?” he asked the dragon as he waved his club, “Because most pricks are smart mind their own damn business and stay out of our territory!”

Spike took a deep breath as he faced the irritated frog in a suit “Look, I didn’t know that this was your property— I’m new around here and I fell into the water and this place was the closest platform,” he tried to convince him. “I’ll just leave and go now and I don’t want to start any problems.”

“Well you got problems you newt!” the frog in the suit shouted as he glared up into Spikes eyes. “Nobody and I mean nobody goes into our property and gets away with it!” he then turned to one of his lackeys, “Hey Croaker, tell our guest over here what we do to trespassers.”

Croaker, a grey dim-witted frog, just gave pinstripe suit a confused look, “Eh I don’t know boss. We-uh- never actually had issues with trespassers before but I do know that we takes guests to the big boss and he has lunch with ‘em. So are we gonna take ‘em to have lunch with the big boss?”

Pinstripe frog buried his face into his webbed hands, “Well at least I know why they only have you do grunt work. But at least you’re right that we take our guests to go see the don for him to decide their fate.”

The stubby frog in the pinstripe suit marched back and forth in front of Spike before he continued, “If I had my way I would have your scaly ass skinned and tossed into the river. But you’re a lucky little prick that the don is very generous and kind frog.” He smashed his club into the nearest pole, “But don’t you think that you’re going to get away easily. Hey Bugsy!”

Bugsy, another of the frogs following pinstripe suit, gave a salute. “Yes boss, what do you need?”

 “Bring me a fine cigar and Bulldoze.” He said as Bugsy gave another salute and rushed towards the pier. “So you…newt, tell me why are you in our property? Can’t you read or something, the sign is there for a damn reason you know that?”

“Of course I can read, I just didn’t see the sign until it was too late that’s all.” Spike answered. “Also I’m not a new-“

Before Spike could finish his sentence, Bugsy returned followed by a massive bullfrog easily twice the height of the all of the other frogs except the stubby frog in the suit, he was easily three times his height. As he approached the group, Spike noticed how muscular and well toned his built was. “Yeah Goldfly, what you need?” the beefy bullfrog asked with his baritone voice as he arrived.

Goldfly, the stubby frog in the pinstripe suit, pointed towards to Spike, “Bulldoze I want you to escort this newt to the boss.”

“I’m not a newt, I’m a dragon!” Spike protested.

Goldfly stared at Spike for a few seconds before he burst out laughing, “Oh that’s rich! He thinks that he’s a dragon. Well I know for fact that dragons are enormous creatures that live in the surface world and they couldn’t fit in these sewers unless they took some kind of shrinking potion and we both know that sounds like flyshit!” Goldfly roared to Spike.

 A stagnant pause took hold as the Goldfly’s crew stared at him in disbelief. “What? I like to read a lot of fiction on my spare time.”

The crew remained silent.

Goldfly took a deep sigh as he decided it was best to ignore his crewmembers as he resumed with his orders “Like I was saying Bulldoze, I want you to escort his newt to the boss. But make sure to search him thoroughly first.”

The giant bullfrog turned to Spike, “Well you heard him, come with me or I’ll have to drag you myself. But I gotta warn you that I have reputation of not handling luggage with care.”

Spike took a deep breath as he followed the massive bullfrog deciding that it was better not to get into a fight with him.

╠═════════════╣

After a very uncomfortable search, which resulted in Spike having his beverage container confiscated and him discovering that he had pockets he wasn’t aware of, Spike was escorted to a lavish conference room with an elegant long table in the center. Around the table, there was a group of five frogs sitting at one end of the table. Each of them was wearing a fine suit. In front of the table sat a frog older than the rest. He had an exquisite black suit made out of finest materials. In his hand, he was holding a cigar and we was wearing a pair of designer sunglasses. He gave an aura of authority as he silently was staring at the four other frogs behind his sunglasses and smoking the fine cigar.

"Alright fellas,” -he finally said as he waved the cigar- “You all know that you got to show the appropriate amount of respect.  It’s a simple value that we should all hold dear. If you respect me, I'll respect you back. And if you don't respect me— well then you can expect me to respect you back." He told the group of frogs sitting at the table.

Spike followed Bulldoze as he entered the room and walked towards the frog don, "Boss we have a situation and a guest."

"I’ll  get to it in a moment—I just have something to finish first." he responded, “Like I was saying,  if you step out of line then you can be expected to be put in place.  With that said, I know that one of you hasn’t been showing me respect.”

The don stood from his chair and began walking behind the nervous frogs sitting down, "As for how he is, well I don’t know. It could have been any of you; maybe it was Frankie, or maybe it was Chicho"-the don stopped behind a frog wearing a red suit -"or maybe it was… PAULIE!"

Paulie gulped as he turned around to face the furious don. “Paulie you were like a son to me,” the don said as he held a club, “But you had to go behind my back you ungrateful scumbag. And for that I have to teach you one last lesson.”

Before Paulie could respond, the don swung the club as hard as could into the traitor's head. The chilling sound of a frog skull cracked open by the don filled the room. Spike watched with horrified fascination as the don continued to merciless beat the fallen frog as he uttered in-between strikes. “Don’t. You. Ever. Do. That. To. Me. Again. Do. You. Understand?!”

When the frog don was finished with venting his anger, he tossed his club aside and glared at the three remaining frogs, “Let this be a damn lesson to all of you, don’t you dare fuck me! You got that?! Now clean up this mess and get rid of the body before it starts stinking up the place!” he ordered the frogs as he pointed at the messy corpse of the slain frog.

The three frogs quickly dragged the body of their fallen comrade out of the room. Within a couple of seconds a couple of lower ranked frogs rushed into room to clean up the bloodstains.  The don quietly sat down on his chair as he observed them for a few moments while he smoked the rest of his cigar. After a few moments of silent observations the don finally turned to face Bulldoze and broke the silence, “So what seems to be the problem?” he said in a calm voice.

“Well boss we have an unannounced guest that decided to drop by.  So Goldfly sent him up here for you to decide his fate. I checked him—he ain’t got nothing on him but this thermo think with lemonade. But I think it’s spiked.” Bulldoze passed the beverage container to the don who quickly opened it and took a sniff.

“Yeah, definitely something in this lemonade.” The frog don turned to Spike, “So tell me then where you got this from.” he ordered.

Spike hesitated for a moment as the thought about what he should say. Should he tell the truth? Sure the events that occurred earlier that day were bizarre even by his standard—which is saying a lot considering he has lived in Ponyville for years. Even if he told the don the truth, there would be a chance that he wouldn’t believe him. Heck he wouldn’t believe the story either if somebody else told it to him.

“So you’re not saying huh?” the frog don interrupted Spikes’ thoughts. “I can respect that. The code of science is a big deal with us. But I just asked you a question and I expect answer. Where did you get this from?” he asked once again.

Spike hesitated once again as he began to search for an answer. “I got it from… a crazy old kook.” He finally said after consideration, the professor was indeed both crazy and old.

“I see.” The frog don said calmly as he glanced at the nervous dragon with a neutral stare. “Well then, seeing that you aren’t going to be more specific, I’ll move on. So then, who the hell are you?”

“My name is Spike and I’m a…”-the dragon took a deep breath- “… I’m a newt.”  He bitterly uttered as a chill traveled up his spine.

“A newt? We don’t have many of those here. So I’m guessing you’re not from around here eh? So where do you come from?” The don asked.

“From far away,” Spike answered. Technically it was true; Equestria was located across the great sea at the other side of the world.

Realizing that the ‘newt’ wasn’t going to specify, the frog don continued with his questions, “Who do you work for?”

“I have work for many different folks.” Spike answered. In a sense it was true, he worked many different odd jobs around Ponyville for many different ponies.

The frog don smiled. So far the answers he had received had pleased him. Apparently this ‘newt’ knew how to keep his mouth shut and seemed to be competent.  He could use folks like that, but he had to know where the ‘newt’ pledged his loyalty and whether or not he could be trusted. “So, to whom do you pledged your loyalty?”

Spike pondered on the unexpected question asked; whom did he pledged his loyalty to? Well he wasn’t Rainbow Dash, well at the exception when Discord first escaped from his statue. However, he did pledge his loyalty to Equestria and Celestia…right? Deciding that he couldn’t answer the question fully he decided to give another vague answer, “I pledge loyalty to whoever I hold dear to me.” More specially Twilight and the girls.

The don stared at the ‘newt’ for a few seconds before breaking into laughter. “I must admit that you have guts. Even though you now I could order your execution at any moment, you still refuse to say anything. I admire that in an individual and let me say that you are a fine mobster as they come.  It’s a shame we couldn’t meet under better circumstances.” The frog don said. “Well then let me fix that, Bulldoze tell the chef to prepare a meal for one more.”

The bullfrog gave a salute and left the room. “Come now Spike, it’s almost lunch time. Let me tell you that I have connections to the surface world that provides me with the finest ingredients. Our chef makes one of the best damn parmigiana you’ll ever have.”

Before Spike could answer, his stomach rumbled in response with the don responded with a chuckle, “See, even your stomach agrees.”

╠═════════════╣

Spike had to admit that the meal was one of the best he ever had. He patted his belly at the satisfaction of having his first meal of the day. The frog don observed the ‘newt’ behind his sunglasses, “So how did you like your meal?” he finally asked.

“I must admit that was the best eggplant parmesan I’ve ever had. My compliments to the chef.” Spike responded.

The don gave a smile, “That’s good to hear. I only buy the best after all. I would like to chat a while more but I have some other business to attend to. But don’t worry I’ll have my good frog Goldfly fill you in on your assignment.”

“What assignment?” Spike asked the don in confusion.

“What? Did you expect that lunch was free?” The don responded while he exited the dining room. “We did you a favor, now you gotta pay us back. Well that is unless you planned for that to be your last meal.”

The frog don gave a salute to Goldfly as he entered the room. “Well you heard the boss, get your lazy ass off of that chair and get over here!”  The stubby frog barked.

Spike grumbled as he followed the Goldfly back to the conference room where the don gave his lecture on respect. As he entered the room, he was bombarded with the familiar smells of disinfectants. He stared toward the floor and saw that it was spotless clean without a drop of blood to be seen. He glanced at the conference table in the center of the room and saw that a slide projector had been recently placed on it.

“All right take  a seat or something,” Goldfly said as he cranked up the projector. “I don’t know what the boss sees in you but he took a liking for you. So he decided to spare you life and guess who’s in charge of babysitting? Well isn’t life just great,” he muttered as he turned off the lights.

Spike sat down as Goldfly began with his presentation. “Okay so I have some slides to show you, you best pay attention ‘cause I’m not going to repeat myself. If you ask a stupid question, I won’t hesitate to smack you across your stupid face. You got that?”

“Yeah I got that.” Spike answered.

“Good, now let’s start.”

The first slide was a simple layout of the makeshift city within the sewers. “This here slide is a map of Lower Aquaris. It’s a pretty simple map and only marks the major waterways but that’s not important. As you can see in the bottom that there are areas marked in green, that is our territory. Now if you can see next to our territory are areas marked red, that is the territory of our not so friendly competition. You got that newt?”

“Yes I got that,” the ‘newt’ repeated.

Goldfly resumed with his presentation, “The gold star indicates where our current location. As you can see we control both major ports within the city. We also have direct, indirect, and super direct control of other minor ports within and outside the city.”

“What do you mean by super direct control?” Spike said.

SMACK!

“Ouch! That hurts.” Spike whined as Goldfly stroked him behind the head.

“Does that answer your question?” the stubby frog answered.

The dragon nodded his head and Goldfly continued, “As I was saying, since we control the ports, we control what goes in and out. That means we decide how much booze goes through the ports  and who gets the shipments. Therefore we control the price of booze. We even managed to make a good deal with the city council as we they passed a liquor tax which we both profit from. But then other slime bags got clever and manage to create a clever smuggling operation. Every day they manage to sneak shipments of booze right underneath our noses and we don’t know how they do it. And do you know who the pricks in charge of those smuggling operations are?”

“Uh- I have no idea.” Spike meekly answered.

SMACK!

“Ouch!” Spike yelped as he rubbed the back of his head where the stubby frog had struck him.

“I said to pay attention!” Goldfly barked, “Okay remember what I said about our not so friendly competition? Well they call themselves the Pi-Rats. As cheesy as their name sounds I assure you that leader, Captain Nacho, is no joke.”

Goldfly changed to the next slide that showed a picture of three rats. On the center was a tall smiling light brown rat in with a toothy grin and two gold earrings on his left ear. He was wearing a navy blue coat with red accents and polished gold buttons, on his head was a navy blue captains hat also with red accents.. To his right was a shorter rat with a piece of his left ear missing. He was wearing a yellow head wrap and a red and white striped sailor’s shirt. The third rat was actually a cream-colored mouse; she was shorter than the other two and with a slim build. She was wearing a blue coat with ruffled cuffs and a tri-corner hat.

“Remember these faces,” Goldfly said, “Those three are the heads of the Pi-Rats. The center rat is Captain Nacho, don’t believe a damn thing he says, he’s a damned clever liar and that bastard has one of the best silver tongues out there. The frog to his right goes by the name of Rico, there’s not much to say other that he’s Captain Nacho right-hand and very capable lookout. As for the third rat, she’s rather new to Captain Nacho’s crew but she quickly rose up the ranks and now is number three in their gang. We don’t know much about her other than she goes by the name of Mozzie. So you have any questions?”

“Yes I have a couple of ques-“

SMACK!

“What did I say about asking questions?”Goldfly asked.

“Then why did you ask if I had any que-“

SMACK!

“Fine I get it, I’ll stop asking questions.” Spike grumbled as he rubbed his forehead.

*Ting!*

SMACK!

“I don’t know what happened there, it’s like my hand moved on its own that time.” Goldfly said as he gave Spike a confused look.

“Fine…fine whatever. So I know that you’re showing me these slides for a reason. My guess is that they have do something with my assignment.” Spike said as he tried to move the subject along.

The stubby frog turned on the lights and turned to the Spike, “Yes, yes it does. You have one job to do. One job. You best not screw this up or you know what’s going to happened. Your job or mission, whatever you want to call it, is to find how the Pi-Rats are smuggling booze into the city. Then if you make it back here alive we will reward you or something. So you understand what you have to do?”

“Find out how your rival gang is smuggling alcohol into the city. Yeah I got it.” Spike responded.

SMACK!

“Let me get you straight you newt. We are not a gang, we are a group of shall we say very ambitious business folks. We just are not afraid to get our hands dirty. But enough wasting time, let’s get back to business.”

╠═════════════╣

Spike arrived once again to the pier where he saw various frogs and rodents resuming with their various jobs at the port. Spike must had ‘arrived’ at the port during lunch hour which would explain why the port seemed to be empty. He observed the workers as they performed their various tasks and duties. They all seemed to be blissfully unaware of the true nature of the port or if they did they seem not to pay attention to it.

“So I take it that you understand the assignment given to you by Goldfly?” the frog don asked as he walked towards Spike.

“Yeah, I have to find out how your enemies are smuggling alcohol into the city.” Spike said.

“That’s correct. But remember that if you fail us, I strongly suggest that you leave town. And if you are successful, you’ll be greatly rewarded, then I’ll suggest that you leave town.” The frog don said.

As Spike was about to respond, Bulldoze came rushing as he shouted, “Boss we got an emergency!”

“What is it?” the frog don asked.

“The Squeaks Family decided to raid our main warehouse outside of the city. They went with a full out assault. Our frogs are outnumbered and have sent a request for help.” Bulldoze responded.

The frog don stood silent, “Those bastards, well then Bulldoze you tell Goldfly that he’s in charge while I’m gone. As for me, I’ll go gather half of our soldiers and we are going to show the Squeaks what happens when they decide to step out of line.” He said in a cold voice.

The frog don turned to Spike, “What are you still doing here!” he screamed. “There’s a small row boat over there at the dock to your left unless you want to swim across the channel. Now hurry up and go do what you were told!”

Spike rushed towards the where the frog don pointed at and saw the small boat that was had only enough for one passage. He carefully got on and started rowing. What have I gotten myself into?  He thought to himself as he crossed the channel.