One: Bearings

One: Bearings

You awaken with a violent start, jolting up from your previously prone position on the ground and gasp deeply for breath. Save for the touch of what feels like grass beneath you, your senses are completely darkened, pitch blackness and an overpowering ringing the only things you can perceive. You continue to pant, the cool and slightly musty air you repeatedly inhale and expel in a ragged breath the only assurance you have that you’re still alive.

After a few more tortuously drawn out moments of you panting like a female dog that just had a rousing round, your senses finally begin to return, slowly but surely as you remain prostrated on your knees. You can feel your ears twitch weirdly enough to the sounds of a wilderness that seemingly surrounded you, the wind blowing through a myriad of trees, rustling their leaves and the chirps, calls, and cries of various birds and other woodland vermin. The feel and smell of long untouched soil and sod also make known to you their respective sensations, making you feel more than slightly unhygienic at your physically touching them, though their smell was somewhat pleasant if not a little strong.

At last, your sight began to come back, relieving you of the very worrying possibility of permanent blindness. What little light reaching your eyes was made tenfold in strength from its stark contrast with the previous darkness that dominated your senses, being more than a little uncomfortable to bear. You wince and blink rapidly, trying to flush its discomforting presence from your vision and coax some focus back into your eyes.

You succeed, green filling your vision as you find yourself looking at the lush grass underneath you. Lifting up your head, you slowly look around and are confirmed of your suspicions. You were in a forest, a rather dark and feral looking one at that. Trees with foreboding shapes, their gnarled and twisted branches and roots coiling around each other and whatever happened to be near them, vines and other overgrowth hanging lazily from the branches like a looming hangman’s noose, and the forest ceiling high above letting through only the barest sliver of sunlight. The occasional strong breeze blew through the small clearing you found yourself in, causing a slight shudder in your body at its cool touch.

Shakily, you get up off the ground and slowly rise to your feet, knees wobbly and yourself staggering a bit. Taking another deep breath, you dust off your hands and run them down your face as you exhale, taking care to not poke yourself in the eyes with the right’s claws and left’s talons.

Claws, talons…

Those were digits not at all associated with the human anatomy if you remembered correctly. Holding out your supposed “hands” in front of your face, you give them a good look, taking note of their markedly nonhuman nature. Your right was indeed a lion’s, furred and with a velvety paw concealing an assuredly nasty payload of claws, while your left was in fact an eagle’s or hawk’s or some manner of predatory bird, rough to the touch and sharpened with avian talons.

This was quite baffling to you, as you distinctly remember being a human, knowing yourself as such for the most part of your life. To wake up with these very animal pieces in place of your usual human appendages was rather… disconcerting, to say the very least. You drop your new limbs to your sides, your mind drawing a total blank regarding this utterly alien situation, all mental processes you dedicate to trying to make sense of it only returning a resounding “?.”

…

A thought suddenly occurred to you. Quickly looking around, you spot a tiny pond just behind some trees. You make your way over to it and get down on your knees before gazing upon your reflection in the water. Looking back at you was the goat like face of a cartoonish Baphomet.

It was at that moment you discovered how embarrassingly shrill your voice could be, as well as loud. The many miles radius of spooked wildlife could attest to that.

Twilight Sparkle could only gawk at the present situation, her mouth agape and expression equal parts dumbfounded and horrified. Before her was a pile of shattered statuary, bits and pieces of what was once Discord’s prison. That Discord had somehow escaped from his stone imprisonment and was now on the loose was quite a frightening proposition to her, her feelings shared by all others present as indicated by their also equal parts dumbfounded and horrified expressions.

Her long time mentor and surrogate mother figure, the latter of which was rather strange, the good and wise Princess Celestia, had brought Discord’s petrified form along with the Elements of Harmony with the hope that Twilight and her friends would be able to “reform” him and turn the draconequus towards good instead of evil, as Her Majesty had put it, with the stated intent that she had use for his powerful magic. Despite much chagrin and doubt on their part, the six friends agreed to their Princess’s plan and donned their respective Elements.

The goal of reforming the mad god went out the window when they activated the Elements to release him from his stone imprisonment only to find a quickly scribbled note in place of the charismatic chimera, saying that he had gone off on vacation and left someone in his place as his “maybe interim or permanent substitute Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony.”

And so the lavender unicorn found herself gaping at the stone fragments strewn about the ground, her friends, the Princess, and her Royal Guards following her example. Another moment of stunned silence passed before Princess Celestia rather loudly dispelled the quiet that had come over all of them. “Went on vacation!?” she suddenly exclaimed, her tone incredulous, the full power of her long unused “Royal Canterlot Voice” coming back without even the slightest hint of atrophy.

The sheer volume and suddenness of the traditional speaking voice quickly brought all present out of their reverie, the pegasi Guardsponies snapping to attention before their wings involuntarily deployed from being so startled, the bearers of the Elements merely jumping in surprise. Gathering her wits and burying her great surprise at the Princess’s outburst, Twilight looked towards her teacher and nodded. “Y-yes, Princess. That’s what it says.” she confirmed.

The Princess only gawked at her for the briefest moment, jaw hanging, before shaking away her astonishment. Taking a deep breath to calm herself lest she frighten her little ponies even further, the alicorn sovereign quickly decided on a course of action. Looking her student and her friends right in the eye, she informed them of what she intended. “Twilight, Discord’s disappearance and his purported ‘substitute Spirit of Chaos’ represent a serious threat to all of Equestria. No doubt this is part of some new scheme of his. Therefore, it is of upmost importance that we discover where Discord has gone off to and where his replacement is. I shall see to the former. In the meantime, I’d like you and your friends to keep an eye out for any suspicious occurrences. More likely than not they’ll be the work of our new ‘Discord.’” Celestia instructed them.

“You can count on us, Princess!” Twilight declared with a firm nod, her friends giving their own confident affirmatives. They kneeled down on bended foreleg as the Princess approached Twilight and touched with her horn both shoulders, granting her faithful student and her friends official sanction for their mission.

With great faith that they would again prevail against Discord’s machinations, Princess Celestia wished them luck on their latest quest together. “Good luck, ponies! Once more, the fate of Equestria is in your hooves.”

Leaving them with much heartfelt encouragement, the Princess departed on her Royal chariot with her guards back to Canterlot, leaving the Elements to work out their own battle plan.

“So, Twi’. Any idea how we’re gunna’ find Discord’s replacement? They could be anywhere fer’ all we know!” Applejack asked, raring to get to their duty.

Twilight put a hoof to her chin, thinking. “Hmm… I’m not sure, but I’d like to see if there’s anything in my library that might-“

She was interrupted midsentence and Rainbow Dash mid exasperated roll of her eyes at her egghead friend’s characteristic lapse into her very ingrained bookish tendencies by a piercing scream emitted from the depths of the Everfree Forest, it shrill and wretched in sound, and also very loud. Along with it was a surge of raw magical energy, almost a “detonation” of sorts that was felt by all, Twilight especially with her affinity for magic.

A few moments passed, total silence overcoming them. Then, Rainbow broke it with a partially rhetorical question. “What… the HAY… was that?” she asked no one in particular with a peculiar staccato.

“Sounded like sumthin’ screamin’, but nothin’ ah’ve ever heard. Also, anypony else felt that?” Applejack asked all around with significant unease, the normally robust farmpony shaken by the seemingly otherworldly wail.

The alabaster fashionista unicorn among them nodded her head in agreement with her more uncouth friend. “Indeed. It sounded like a banshee’s scream or something equally as dreadful and frightening. And I certainly did feel that! I don’t think I’ve ever felt such powerful magic before! …Except for…” Rarity gasped, her hoof shooting up to her mouth as she realized the implications of her unfinished sentence.

They all looked at one another as realization dawned on them. “You don’t think…” Rainbow began, earning a nod from Twilight.

“I do. It came from the direction of the Everfree Forest.” Twilight noted, glancing towards the notorious woodlands that was not terribly far off from them. She paused for a moment, casting her gaze downward as she considered something. Deep in thought, she emerged from it soon after, looking up at her friends with brows furrowed in determination as she came to a decision. “I have a hunch it has something to do with Discord, or better yet, his replacement. The ambient chaotic magic of the forest would be just perfect for them. I say we head there now and find out where that magical energy came from!” she proposed, earning a variety of reactions.

Applejack and Rainbow Dash shared a look of fiery determination, confident grins and a set look in their eyes. Fluttershy and Rarity, on the other hand, did not share their more tomboyish friends’ enthusiasm, cringing with noticeable discomfort, Rarity for reason of finding any untamed wilderness utterly repulsive and the Everfree a particularly filthy example of such, while Fluttershy always found venturing into the forest a frightening prospect, this time no different. Pinkie Pie, in the meanwhile, was simply hopping up and down with barely contained glee, excited at what she considered to be another grand adventure with her friends.

“Sounds like a plan, sugarcube!”

“Let’s do it!”

“Uggh! If we must.”

A frightened squeak.

“OOOOOOHH! I’m so nervouscited!”

Applejack gave her a funny look. “You… do realize that’s not a real word, right?”

You were currently flat on your back, quite winded at the moment. At having discovered the maximum capacity of your new lungs, you promptly engaged in a lengthy and violent coughing fit, hacking and wheezing before your body finally gave out from fatigue and buckled, sprawling out onto the ground in a manner most ungraceful.

Laying completely still after a few more ragged breaths, you stare up at whatever sky you could glimpse through the forest’s canopy, wondering just what on God’s good green Earth was going on. The last thing you remember was ducking out of a particularly boring “official engagement,” rather a reception party, with a gaggle of particularly dull politicians, bureaucrats, and staffers, hiding away in the men’s restroom for a quick micronap and swig of your trusty flask that totally isn’t filled with cheap whisky before you could face those people again.

Speaking of which…

You clamber to your new feet, wobbling a bit as you weren’t used to balancing on a goat’s hind leg and the clawed rear leg of some manner of large, possibly fire breath reptilian because you refuse to say the word dragon, nonsensical fairytale that such a notion was. Feeling around the interior of your suit jacket that you were still wearing, you found what you were looking for in the form of a small aluminum flask, metallic grey in color and an image of a pair of dice etched onto its surface, giving it some decorative measure and reminding all who beheld it of its humble origins as a souvenir from a rather prominent gambling town with a colorful history.

Giving it a firm shake, you’re pleased to hear a liquid sloshing around inside. Unscrewing the cap, you bring the flask up to your new goat lips and take a good, long swig of the bitter tasting liquid inside, savoring the slightly burning sensation courtesy of its concentrated alcohol content. Alright, it was cheap whisky. Meeting with national delegates was an oh so tedious affair, after all. Wetting your whistle and giving the drink a moment to settle in your stomach and take effect, you put your arms forward in front of yourself with palms raised as if to instruct reality or its complete breakdown, whichever it was, to stop for a moment while you took stock of the frankly bizarre and impossible situation you currently found yourself in.

From your little sleep in the handicap accessible stall, for you desired the extra leg room, you awaken to find yourself smack dab in the middle of an unknown and quite possibly hostile forest as some twisted chimera like monstrosity, an utterly wretched being comprised of various animal bits and pieces torturously cobbled together in a truly Frankensteinish manner. Regarding your current locale, the forest didn’t seem at all hospitable to someone like yourself, a harsh wilderness without even the slightest trace of civilization, not even a dirt path you could get lost on. The various chitters, cries, snarls, growls, and howls of the forest’s wildlife sounding from all around you also weren’t very encouraging.

The distant roar of something that sounded rather unfriendly made you freeze up, the rage filled bellow bringing your own personal safety to the forefront of your mind. Reaching back into your jacket, you feel around for something. After some fumbling around, you find it, still securely holstered. Firmly grasping it by its grip, you pull it out and examine it closely, admiring the matte black finish before ejecting the magazine so you can verify it. Satisfied, you pop it back in and pull the slide back, chambering a round. Holstering it once more, the slightest grin dances on your face as you feel the comforting nine millimeter heft nestled against your side. It was certainly better than nothing.

All that fiddling with your personal effects reminds you… You still had your clothes! An increasingly wrinkled dress shirt and tie, suit jacket, overcoat, and peaked officer’s cap, all inexplicably retailored to fit your new dimensions and elongated measurements and sparing you the discomfort of being completely naked on top of everything else. Your pants were missing, though, forcing you to weather partial nudity without even the benefit of being fully inebriated. And your wallet and keys were in your pants pockets, too.

“Dammit all…” you quietly mutter to yourself, your voice still a little hoarse from your earlier screaming session.

Another animalistic growl, this time not that far off, brought you back to the current pressing matter of being lost in a dark and frightening forest, potentially surrounded by vicious beats that would no doubt jump at the chance to make you their next meal or possibly queen, the latter being the more horrifying of the two. You quickly decide on your next course of action to develop your bearings, find some high ground with a good view of the surrounding terrain and find a way out of these woods as quickly as humanly as possible or whatever you were now.

Spotting a tree that didn’t look like a lurking fantasy monster masquerading as one quite as much as the others, you head over to it and begin climbing, your new height making reaching the high up branches and other protrusions not a difficult feat. Reaching the thickest branch furthest from the ground, you pull yourself up onto it and stand, hugging the tree to stabilize yourself and not because you were an “environmentalist,” a polite euphemism you used for pussy, and poke your head through the forest’s canopy, your elongated neck allowing it.

As you surveyed the surrounding landscape, you find that the forest in fact doesn’t actually go out as far as its interior would imply, giving way to verdant meadows, rolling hills, and what looked like a quaint medieval hamlet to the northwest. Relieved that there was SOME civilization in wherever you where, you carefully begin climbing back down the tree, renewed with the hope that you wouldn’t have to relive your survival training that you’ve forgotten most of, horrid experience that it was.

The clopping of hooves against the ground echoed around them as the six friends and heroines of Equestria trekked through the Everfree Forest, ever vigilant and on guard against whatever dangers may be lurking around them, concealed by the thick mist and darkness that seemed to permeate the entire forest. Twilight was at the forefront of them, her horn alight with a purple aura as she tried to detect any unusual magical activity noticeable against the ambient magical energy of the Everfree, a sort of magical radar.

“So who do you suppose Discord’s replacement is? Another draconequus like him?” Rarity asked aloud to none of the others in particular, trying to alleviate the oppressive silence that hanged over them.

Applejack responded with an idle shrug. “Beats me. Ah’d guess so, but ah’ wouldn’t have thought there’d be another one like him around. Ah’ always thought Discord was the only one of his kind.”

“I sure hope so. Like we need ANOTHER Discord running around. He’s enough trouble by himself! Two of them is just… ugh!” Rainbow remarked, punctuating with a distasteful sounding noise to emphasize her contempt for the notion of Discord and company.

“Oh, but guys! What if New Discord or whatevertheirnameis is actually real nice and friendly and just wants to be friends! Maybe they won’t be all horrible and mean and evil like Old Discord and will be our friend and be a good guy and help us protect all of Equestria!” the bubbly pink party pony rattled off without a single pause for breath. The others seemed less than impressed with her idea.

“Ahh… No, Pinkie. No.” Rainbow replied exasperatedly with a shake of her head.

“Yyyeeaahh… No offence, Pinkie Pie, but ah’ just don’t see that as likely.” Applejack said, raising a disbelieving eyebrow at her fellow earth pony.

“I’m afraid I have to agree. This is Discord we’re talking about! Who tricked us all into becoming the opposite of our true selves and nearly plunged all of Equestria into eternal chaos? I sincerely doubt his chosen successor would be a far shot from himself.” Rarity concurred with her more grounded and level headed friends.

“That’s right. Discord’s all about spreading chaos and disharmony, and would no doubt want his replacement to do the same. That’s why we’ve got to find and catch them before they can turn all of Equestria upside down again, probably literally.” Twilight said without looking back at Pinkie, keeping her eyes forward as she swiveled her head around, specifically her horn, trying to pinpoint “New Discord’s” location.

Pinkie’s implied suggestion that they should try to befriend whoever Discord’s stand in was caused Fluttershy to become a little downcast, remembering how the Princess had expressed much confidence and faith in her personally to successfully reform Discord. Reaching out with her friendship was in fact just how she intended to turn the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony towards good, to “kill him with kindness,” though she preferred a less hostile sounding figure of speech. She honestly believed that the “magic of friendship” would be enough to sway Discord to their and the Princess’s way of seeing things of not being a complete d-

Opting not to finish that last thought, the butter yellow pegasus shook away her lingering thoughts of what could have been and focused back on the matter at hand, that she was currently deep within the Everfree Forest, seeking out Discord’s replacement of whom they knew nothing about regarding their raw magical abilities, prowess, and overall disposition towards other sapient beings. A myriad of possibilities about their new embodiment of chaos running through her head, most of them not at all positive and hopeful, Fluttershy could only hope that Pinkie was right, that they would be much more amiable than Discord ever was.

Twilight suddenly stopped dead in her tracks, a surprised gasp escaping her lips. Her horn sparked with a bit of magic as she pointed it towards a specific direction. The act having not gone unnoticed by her friends, they pressed her to elaborate.

“What is it, Twi’? Ya’ feel somethin’? Is it our ‘New Discord?’” Applejack asked, borrowing Pinkie’s term for their target as she readied her trusty lasso.

“Yeah! Are they around? Where are they!? Lemme’ at ‘em!” Rainbow stated with her much characteristic bravado, engaging in a round of shadow boxing to illustrate what she intended to do once they found their mark.

“They are! Not far off, either. Come on, girls! This way!” Twilight answered before galloping off deeper into the forest, her friends taking off after her. Weaving between the trees and ducking under their branches and jumping over their roots, the six mares continued at full speed towards wherever Twilight’s horn was leading them, steeling themselves for what was sure to be an epic showdown with what was assuredly an absolutely mad being of chaos and pure malevolence, readying themselves to make the ultimate sacrifice if need be.

Leaping through some foliage into a small clearing, the ponies finally laid eyes on their opponent. He was… not quite what they were expecting.

“Dammit, dammit, dammit…” you grunt out quietly as you finally managed to grab your cap from off the tree branch. You mentally scold yourself for hastily jumping down off the tree. You could have fallen and seriously injure yourself, get your hoofed goat leg caught in some vines and wind up hanging upside down from a branch in complete helplessness and vulnerability until you could untangle yourself and land headfirst on a sharp rock, arduous task that would’ve been, or indeed your cap getting caught by its brim on a branch on your way down and having to spend a good deal of time and effort trying to retrieve it, also a rather arduous task.

Just as you were about to place it back atop your head, or rather just behind your hideously asymmetrical horns, the damnable things, you spy a rolled up piece of parchment tucked away inside its inner folds. Wondering how you didn’t notice it earlier while you were wearing it along with your hat and more than a little curious about its written content if any, you unfurl it and began reading, hoping desperately it wasn’t a messily scribbled note to yourself written while drunk about some unimportant and inane matter like who among the janitorial staff kept stealing the expensive crystal drinking glasses from your office. That would’ve been a very depressing indictment about how passive aggressive you were even when completely blasted off your feet.

’Congratulations! It’s your lucky day!

So suck it up and don’t dismay!

Tired and weary, I’ve gone on vacay’,

Perhaps to Mars, perhaps Bombay!

But irresponsible to leave not one in my stead,

So I’ve chosen you for some chaos to spread!

My powers, so powerful, are yours to command,

Do whatever you please without reprimand!

Maybe conjure some toast, some butter, too,

Or paint a cow entirely blue!

With a snap of your fingers, make reality your bitch!

Smack it around and leave it crying in a ditch!

So have some fun, have a good laugh,

Hey! It’s some time away from your general staff!

But one word of warning before your off,

So listen well, and try not to scoff.

Any equines beware, for they mean you great ill,

Also quite annoying, self righteous, and shrill.

Turn you to stone, they most certainly would,

All the while claiming that they’re “good.”

Trust not any offering of “friendship” they bring,

Most certainly a lure for a trap they will spring.

With that in mind, go on! Get to it!

Before I think you unfit, you sorry half wit…’

You simply stare at the rather cryptic message written in a rhyming pentameter or whatever the proper literary technical term was that your mother wouldn’t know either, the neurons in your brain firing furiously to try and make sense of what the explicit adjective hell you just read.

Someone off on vacation, standing in for them, the workshite jerk they probably were, and spreading chaos? A possible euphemism for terrorist activity, in which case they picked the absolute worst person for the job. Conjuring breakfast items from the ether and subjecting innocent livestock to potential lead poisoning? What terrifyingly psychopathic nutcase wrote this? Bending reality with a mere snap of your fingers? Now the specter of severe mental illness is rising over this whole affair. And lastly, a word of caution about false faced horses that would go all Medusa on you if given the chance…

“What…”

It’s honestly all you could think to say about the bizarre manifesto you currently held in your hand of some incredibly deranged individual that’s spent a little too much time locked in a crawlspace with many prominent examples of the literary nonsense genre and should probably be sectioned and given serious psychiatric help before they hurt themselves.

Suddenly, you inexplicably feel that somewhere out in the vast infinity of the multiverse, someone just took significant exception to that last notion.

But before you could conjecture more insulting suppositions about the note’s writer, it suddenly bursts into flames! Somehow without giving off any heat in blatant violation of the laws of thermodynamics and leaving you with some nasty burns on your hand. Paw, rather, leaving a fine, ashy black dust all over it, as if you hadn’t come in enough physical contact with all manner of random filth today. Wonderful. The universe seemed to be having a rollicking good time causing you aggravation in the most targeted ways today.

Just as you were about to start complaining to a curious doe that had wandered by you about your now dirtied shirt cuffs, the sound of someone very audibly clearing their throat with the clear intention of gaining your attention made its way to your ears. Absentmindedly looking up at the petitioner, you find yourself face to face with six equines, perhaps ponies due to their relatively marginal size compared to the terrestrial horses you were somewhat familiar with, all bearing coats of a frankly absurd spectrum of color, pink, orange, yellow, blue, and purple. The white one among them would’ve been somewhat acceptable if not for the styled dark purple mane it was sporting as well as the horn jutting from its skull.

Yes, in addition to being ridiculously colored, the horses before you possessed some rather salient features that denoted a fantastical nature on their part. The white and purple ones horned, unicorns you believed, the yellow and blue winged, pegasi, if that was the correct plural, and the orange one was wearing a cowboy hat in what was a rather stark irony. They were looking at you oddly with astoundingly human like facial expressions, two with slightly hostile demeanors, two seemingly rather bemused, and two simply staring at you as if they hadn’t decided yet on whether they should be confused or offended about you.

It was all too much. Time and spatial displacement not involving being abducted and drugged, waking up as some horribly mutilated depiction of an Eastern dragon comprised of random bits and pieces from all over the animal kingdom messily stitched together. Yes, you said dragon, letting your previous distaste of the term fall to the wayside because there was now a sextet of pastel colored unicorns, pegasi, and a pony wearing a God damned hat standing in front of you so what the fuck did you know?

As all your conventional knowledge and understanding flew out the window to the tune of that one aptly named song from around two decades ago, you decide that you had only one recourse. Laugh. Laugh like an absolute madman. Indeed, you begin laughing, beginning with the slightest “snnrrkk” to a low chortle to a growing chuckle to an increasingly uncontrolled giggle until you’re caught in a full blown hysteria, laughing with such force and without a single pause for breath that you ran the serious risk of oxygen deprivation to your brain.

But you continue laughing regardless, because why not? Either you or the universe had gone completely buttfuck nuts, depositing you as the escaped subject of an ill conceived genetic engineering experiment from a government lab that you absentmindedly signed off on without reading its official request form into some manner of fantasy setting populated by mythical creatures of bizarre coloration and presumably there was also a cloud city and princesses and a snarky infant dragon somewhere that would make smart aleck remarks about your hat because why not?

So you simply laugh yourself into tears while enjoying the spectacle of the six ponies with horns and wings and one wearing a hat looking at you incredulously. It was certainly more entertaining than that God awful reception party.