Girls' Night Out

by Gypsy Writefag

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 3434

Twilight gets a surprise visit from Celestia one night. Her mentor is there to teach a very important lesson: drinking is fun.

It's a usual weekend in Ponyville: lots of drunk ponies, and Twilight is studying. The unicorn hasn't quite learned how to enjoy parties. Thankfully, Celestia arrives to teach her faithful student about the joys of drinking alcohol and going to parties.

Published 2013-11-04 03:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-04 03:30:01 UTC

Drunk Mares and Such

Ponyville was quiet a night, or at least usually so. Weekends were an exception to the rule of silence, and this particular weekend was no different. With no work awaiting in the morning, plenty of mares and stallions alike were roaming the streets, all singing and dancing. Granted, their singing was downright awful, and their dancing no better. Then again, once alcohol enters the picture, any semblance of fully functioning motor skills were out of the question.

Only one pony seemed to not partake in the lively party erupting all over the town: Twilight Sparkle. Her snout was buried deep in her seventh book on the wonders that are quantum mechanics. Her brow, however, was furrowed greatly, as the horrible singing from outside the library's windows pierced her sensitive ears and scraped against her skull.

"I swear to Celestia..." she grumbled as she turned another page with her magic. "One day, I will blow this place to pieces."

A loud series of knocks echoing throughout the library quickly soured Twilight's mood even further, and as she turned her head to locate the source of the sound, her hooves were shaking.

"WHAT?!"

Twilight stomped through her home, down the stairs and through the living room. Already the voices from outside were getting louder, and the blood in the young pony's body was getting near boiling.

As she opened the door, Twilight spoke with furious anger. "Rainbow Dash, I already told you-! O-Oh, Princess C-Celstia?"

"Good evening, my faithful student." The everlasting smile of utter warmth was, as always, present on the princess' lips.

Although she stuck out more than a mare at a D&D session, not a single passing pony seemed to care. Whether they had gotten used to her visits or simply too drunk, Twilight didn't know.

"I'm sorry about that, Princess", Twilight mumbled as her cheeks lit up. "I didn't expect you to show up."

"No need to fret", Celestia chuckled. "I took no offense."

"So, why are you here? Is there anything I can do for you, princess?" Twilight inquired warmly.

"Yes, Twilight, there is." The glimt in Celestia's eye was a rare sight, and Twilight already felt the adrenaline being pumped into her veins.

"Anything! A book? A spell? Maybe a secret assignment?!"

Celestia laughed whole-heartedly before responding to her rambling student. "No, nothing quite like that. I want you to come with me. There is something I wish to show you."

"This late?" Twilight's mind was already running at full speed in attempt to solve the mystery of her mentor's sudden appearance. "Uh, I... sure! Let me just grab a notebook and quill, and-"

"Twilight, relax. There is no need for any equipment. Please, just follow me."

Although a lingering feeling in her body kept the excitement down, Twilight stepped outside into the brisk night next to her mentor. With the ease of magic, she closed and locker her door. No impromptu parties were to be held while she was gone.

The two mares slowly walked through the streets of Ponyville. All around them were the happy, intoxicated inhabitants of the otherwise quiet and quaint village. Twilight couldn't help but scoff at their rude and uncontrolled behaviour.

"I see you still haven't adjusted to the night life", Celestia teased.

"It's just so... pointless!" Twilight grumbled. "They could all be spending their time doing something productive, like studying!"

"'Ey, missy!" a stallion called out. "Wanna come on over to... *hic*... my place?"

"And then there's THAT!" Twilight said, her voice thick with scorn.

"Ah, yes, the wonders of carelessness", Celestia chuckled. "Really, Twilight, you should relax and enjoy yourself. Life is plenty long for studies and fun."

"But studying IS fun", Twilight countered.

Celestia merely shook her head and smiled to herself. As age had shown her, some battles simply could not be won through diplomacy. Sometimes, a little fighting was required.

"Princess?" Twilight spoke softly.

"Yes, my dear student?"

"Where are we going?" Looking around, Twilight only saw more homes and drunk ponies. There was nothing out of the ordinary about the scene, but Celestia was here. And when Celestia was present, nothing was ordinary or trivial.

"You'll see", Celestia mused. "We'll be there in just a moment."

Twilight looked to the sky, but all seemed normal. No astronomical oddities or occurences. Surely they couldn't be going to the Everfree Forest; that was much too far away. Ponyville simply was too ordinary for such a trip. And Celestia wasn't usually this secretive. In her gut, Twilight knew something was very wrong. Perhaps there was trouble at Canterlot. Maybe it was Luna. She shuddered as the mere thought of Nightmare Moon entered her mind. There was no way Luna would go down that same path.

"We're here."

Celestia's voice brought Twilight back to reality, and the purple unicorn shook her head in order to regain her senses. What met her eyes was something far worse than she could have ever imagined. An old, everlasting horror that could never be defeated.

"You can't be serious..."

"Twilight, welcome to 'The Winking Mare'!" Celestia exclaimed with a grin on her face.

Before she could even begin to voice her dissatisfaction, a large, white wing shoved Twilight straight towards the front door of the shady establishment. Even from the outside the stench of alcohol, sweat, and shame was strong. Twilight buried her snout in a hoof and coughed. Although her legs desperately tried to get her back, Celestia's wing proved much stronger, and Twilight soon found herself within the walls of the all-too-popular bar.

"NOPE!"

Twilight immediately turned around in order to escape. Escaping from an all-powerful royal princess was no easy feat, however, and the poor unicorn soon found herself within the confinement of a telekinetic spell.

"Let me go!"

Despite her vigorous squirming, Celestia kept a tight hold of her pupil without breaking a sweat. In fact, she laughed loudly as she carried Twilight further into the bar.

"I am NOT spending my evening here!"

Celestia firmly planted both her own and Twilight's rumps onto two bar stools, yet she kept her spell going. Letting Twilight out of her grasp now would foil her plans.

"Twilight Sparkle!" Celestia furrowed her brow and stared intently at her pupil as she spoke with her regal and commanding voice. "As my pupil, you will stay here for the evening alongside me! That is an order!"

With that out of the way, Celestia finally let her student regain her movement. Just as expected, Twilight's eyes had grown large, and her jaw hung low. Yet the quirky unicorn quickly returned to her stubborn self.

"Oh, yeah? Watch me!"

"If you leave this spot without my permission, you will forever be dismissed as my personal student." Celestia's voice was calm, yet fierce, and the very words leaving her mouth froze Twilight in place.

"You wouldn't..."

Throughout all of her many years of life, Celestia had never experienced a moment quite like this. It took all of her concentration and focus to keep the laughter hidden in her lungs.

"Ugh, fine!" Twilight finally conceded and slammed her hooves onto the counter. Beside her, Celestia's mouth was twisting around itself in a poorly hidden smile.

"G-Good", Celestia spoke. Though her regal demeanour was cracking, the volume of the music hid her falling facade. "Now; time to order drinks."

"What are you looking at ME for?" Twilight groaned. "I have no clue what they sell here!"

"Consider this a lesson, Twilight." Celestia was biting her tongue to keep from laughing. "Now, buy us some drinks."

"... I didn't bring any money", Twilight dead-panned.

Celestia buried her face in one of her hooves. "Sometimes I wonder why you're my student..." she mumbled.

"What was that?"

"Nothing! Ahem, bartender!"

A sleazy-looking pony walked up to the two mares from behind the counter. Merely looking at him was enough to make Twilight sick to her stomach. Greasy hair, a dirty shirt, and yellow teeth. Yep, this bartender sure was a real charmer.

"Yeah? Waddya want?" Even his voice was bathed in pure grease.

"That is princess Celestia!" Twilight exclaimed. "Show a little-"

"Twilight, shush", Celestia mumbled. "Two distilled waters, please."

The bartender shrugged and quickly poured two glasses of transparent liquid. Celestia handed over what seemed like far too many bits to Twilight, yet the bartender gave no change in return.

"Distilled water?" Twilight inquired as she inspected her drink. "Why would a crummy bar like this have such a pure, clean liquid? I highly doubt this is actually distilled."

"Damn it, Twilight, will you just relax and drink already?"

The unciorn reared her head back in surprise at the choice of words coming from her mentor. But since Twilight was her faithful student after all, she complied with Celestia's words and levitated the glass to her mouth.

Expecting nothing more than pure water, Twilight took a large swig of the liquid. Much to her dismay and surprise, however, what entered her throat was in no way shape or form water. A harsh burning sensation immediately spread throughout her mouth, and Twilight's eyes watered as she reluctantly swallowed the strong liquor.

"This isn't... water!", she groaned. To her side, Celestia was laughing loudly and slamming a hoof into the counter repeatedly.

"W-What were you expecting? This is a bar, Twilight! Ohohohoh!"

"Yeah, real funny", Twilight grumbled as she shoved her glass away.

"Oh come on, don't be such a sourpuss", Celestia chuckled before emptying her glass.

"Sourpuss?! Excuse me?!"

"Relax and enjoy life, Twilight." Celestia's eyes were already getting hazy, as was her voice. "If you don't get out more often, you'll never find that special stallion, after all."

Twilight's cheeks flared up instantly, and she felt her heart pound in her chest. All the while, Celestia was waggling her eyebrows at the poor unicorn, and an enormous grin was plastered on her royal face.

"Princess!" Twilight hissed.

"What? ... Oh.... Ooooh! You're into mares, is that it?"

"WHAT?! No! I! Grr! Can we NOT talk about this HERE?!"

Celestia squinted her eyes and leaned in closer. "Talk about what?"

"About my love-life!" Twilight hissed. Simply speaking the words caused her entire body to feel flustered, and she was certain her face was more red than purple by now.

"You have a love-life?" Celestia asked in surprise. She took in quite a bit of her second drink. Twilight hadn't even noticed her ordering it.

"No! I mean! Yes! I mean no! ARGH!" Twilight slammed her face into the counter and continued grumbling to herself.

"You should get something done about that sexual frustration", Celestia said casually before downing her second drink and ordering a third.

"Why. Are. We. Here?" Twilight's angry voice rumbled through the wooden counter and into the ears of her mentor.

"We're here so you can learn... What a hunk... Learn to open up a little." The moment Celestia received her third drink, she made it disappear into her stomach. "It's good for you, Twailait."

The frustrated unicorn lifted her head and stared in disbelief at her mentor. "Did... Did you just mispronounce my name?"

"What? No I didn't, Twa... Twey... Twilight... *hic*."

Twilight's eyes narrowed as she watched the hazy stare of her mentor. Three empty glasses stood in front of the white alicorn, and a fourth was soon to join the party.

"Are you drunk, princess?"

"Whaaat? Me? Drunk? Pfft! I'm over a thousand years old!" Celestia exclaimed. The alicorn nearly fell off her seat as she waved her hooves through the air for dramatic effect. "Do you think three meas... measi... three drinks is enough for me?"

The mentor and student entered a battle of staring, and to any outsider Twilight was clearly the one in control. Celestia could barely control her own eyelids, yet the moment Twilight blinked in the presence of the alicorn, Celestia shrieked.

"Ha! I won!" She emptied her fourth glass and tossed her hooves into the air, spinning around on her bar stool.

"What?! Won? What are you even talking about?!"

"You bl- *hic* blinked!" Celestia blew a raspberry at Twilight before ordering another drink.

"What does that- Never mind! Don't you think you should slow down with the drinks?" Twilight pointed out. Even Rainbow Dash didn't drink as quickly as this.

"Relaaax", Celestia chuckled. "I'm fine! In fact, I feel better than I have in years! Cheers!"

Another empty glass joined the area in front of Celestia, followed by quite an unladylike burp. If Rarity had been around to hear it, Twilight was certain she would have scolded the princess.

Twilight buried her face in her hooves and sighed heavily. The all too familiar headache was returning. Only Spike and Pinkie were able to summon this particular headache, but it seemed even the prciness was capable of the same feat.

"At least it can't get any worse..."

"HEY, TWILIGHT!"

"Screw me sideways..."

Without looking, Twilight knew exactly who was approaching. As per usual, the two heaviest drinkers of her friends were enjoying the weekend. With her face still hidden in her hooves, she acknowledged their presence.

"Good evening Rainbow. Applejack."

"What are YOU doing out here?" Rainbow exclaimed. "You never go out!"

"Uhh, Rainbow?"

"Hang on, AJ, I'm talking to Twilight."

"Dash, it's the princess."

The air around the four ponies went silent, and for just a moment, Twilight enjoyed the somewhat calm situation. Granted, the music was still blasting throughout the bar, but at least no one was doing anything embarassing or-

"I never noticed how pr-pretty Celestia is", Rainbow mumbled.

"RAINBOW DASH!" Twilight roared, finally revealing her face.

"What? Have you SEEN her? She's so... royal."

"This isn't happening, this isn't happening-"

"Hey now!" Applejack exclaimed. "What 'bout me?!"

"We're all pretty, can't we agree on that?" Celestia chuckled.

Both of Twilight's friends mumbled their agreements before taking up the seats next to Twilight. It wasn't long before all but Twilight had fresh drinks lined up in front of them, ready to be emptied.

"So, whatchy'all doin' out here?" Applejack asked. Much to Twilight's relief, she seemed far less drunk than her pegasus counter-part.

"I'm showing Twilight how to have a bit of... fun!" Celestia slurred her way through the words.

"That doesn't seem to be working at all", Rainbow Dash laughed as she poked the unicorn with her hoof.

"Ponyville... Blow up..." Twilight grumbled.

"C'mon, Twilight", Applejack said warmly. "We're all friends here. Lighten up, will ya?"

"Look", Twilight began. "This really isn't-"

"Did you know Twilight is a virgin?" Celestia exclaimed.

"CELESTIA!"

"Pfft, of course we knew!" Rainbow chuckled. "What, you think an egghead like Twilight attracts every stallion in town?"

"RAINBOW!"

"Well, Big Mac did say somethin' or other 'bout Twilight", Applejack interjected.

"APPLE- Wait, he did?"

"Oooh! Twilight has a crush on Big Mac!" Rainbow laughed. Celestia joined the cyan mare in loud and genuine laughter, much to Twilight's dismay.

"I do not! He's just a very... Well-built stallion."

"You totally want him", Rainbow snickered.

"My interest is purely physiological!" Twilight's face had grown bright red, and that alone was enough to cause the remaining three to laugh.

"You aren't f-fooling anyone", Celestia chuckled as she wiped tears of laughter from her eyes. "You want him in your bed!"

Twilight once again slammed her face into the counter and cursed to herself. The laughter of her friends haunted the air around her ears, and she could barely contain her verbal wishes to be struck down by a bolt of lightning.

"Aw, c'mon now, Twilight", Applejack chuckled. "We're jus' havin' a bit of fun, is all."

"Yeah, it's hilarious", Twilight dead-panned.

The feeling of a caring, gentle hoof on her back made Twilight look up. For the first time since arriving at her library, Celestia was sporting the motherly, warm smile of hers. Twilight couldn't help but smile at the sight of that familiar sight. A comfortable warmth spread within her, and everything seemed just a bit less serious than before.

"Twilight, don't worry", Celestia said softly.

"Thank you, pr-"

"I'm sure he wants to bone you, too."

While Celestia did a commendable job of containing her laughter, Applejack and Rainbow Dash, were not quite as good. Both of Twilight's friends roared in pure, unadultered laughter next to her, causing the headache to return once more.

"Going to bars sure is the best fun I've had in my life", Twilight grumbled.

"Oh, come on now", Celestia chuckled. "It's not that bad."

"Really?" The fire within Twilight was rising, and she could barely contain her body any longer. "Yeah, let's all make fun of the egghead Twilight! That sounds like a great night!"

"If it's any conso- consola- If it makes you feel better, I'd totally bone you."

The blood in Twilight's veins froze in an instant at the words leaving her mentor's mouth. Not only were the words so very different from what the alicorn princess usually spoke, but Twilight realized they sounded genuine.

"Who HASN'T had a fantasy or two about Miss Egghead here?" Rainbow agreed.

"I haven't", Applejack quickly interjected.

"Oh, please. You told me all about that magical half-mare-half-stallion fantasy of yours!"

"OKAY, LET'S JUST, HEH, TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!" Twilight laughed nervously.

"Wait, you know that spell?" Celestia asked. "That's far beyond your level."

"I'M LEAVING." Twilight got up from her seat and immediately made her way towards the exit. Sweat was dripping from her forehead, and a familiar warmth was spreading throughout her body.

"Wait!" Rainbow yelled. "At least show it to us!"

"SEE YOU LATER!" Twilight rushed through her words, stumbling over every single one as she opened the door and rushed into the brisk night.

Celestia sighed heavily and downed another drink. "She really needs to lighten up."

"So, uh..." Applejack mumbled. "Is there really a spell like that?"

The alicorn raised an eyebrow and tried to focus on either of the two images of the orange farm mare. "Spell like what?"

"Y'know... Half-mare-half-stallion?"

A devilish grin spread across Celestia's face, and she leaned closer and whispered into Applejack's ear. "Oh, there's much more than that."

*** *** ***

In the streets of Ponyville walked a purple, flustered unicorn, completely ignoring the words of passing ponies. She wasn't even sure what they were saying, and she didn't care one bit either. There was only one place to be right now, and Twilight wanted to get there as fast as possible.

Upon reaching the familiar tree-turned-library, she slammed the door opened and rushed inside. With no regard for her fellow house-mate, she rushed upstairs and into her room, making extra sure to lock the door before accessing the secret closet behind book shelf four.

"Stupid, sexy ponies", Twilight grumbled as she threw herself onto her bed after finding what she needed.

*** *** ***

In the living room, Spike walked across the floor and up the stairs, his eyes half-closed and his breath more of a snore than anything else. The loud slam of the door crushed his favorite dream, the one with Rarity and the crystal gem, and Spike wanted to figure out what was going on.

After slumping up the stairs and reaching the door to Twilight's room, he heard a loud buzzing from inside. The door, however, was locked, and Spike knocked loudly on the red, wooden door.

"Twilight... What are you-"

"Go- Go away, mmh, Spike!"

"Twilight, it's two in the morning", the little dragon dead-panned.

"Just go to beEEED, Spike!"

"Are you sure you're okay?" The buzzing only seemed to get louder, and Twilight's voice was strangely strained.

"Yeah, YEAH! I'm f-fine! Don't worry about it!"

Spike shrugged, turned around, and rubbed his eyes before descending the stairs once more. "If you say so."

"Oh, Celestia..."

"What was that?" Spike exclaimed.

"Nothing!"

"She's going to be the death of me..."

Grumbling to himself, Spike slugged through the library until he finally found the comfort of his bed. Hoping to once again return to his favorite dream, he tucked himself in and sighed in content.

"Mmh... Rarity..."

*** *** ***

No more than a few miles away, an unusual trio of ponies were staggering through the streets of Ponyville, singing old Equestrian songs as loud as their lungs allowed them. In their short time at The Winking Mare, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Celestia had grown unusually fond of each other, and what better place to spend the night than a large farmhouse at Sweet Apple Acres?

Though Applejack had insisted on letting her brother sleep, she was quite sure the bulky stallion was about to experience a night he would never quite forget.