Twilit Sporkle

by Between Lines

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Shining Armor, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Princess Luna
Length: 2111

The element of magic could use a tune up, preferably before Twilit goes insane.

You know those warning labels on appliances? "Do not submerge. Do not expose to heat. Do not drop."

The element of magic should have one: "Do not use for evil."

Kind of late on that one though.

(Big thanks to MythrilMoth for the cover art!)

Published 2013-11-04 15:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-04 15:40:04 UTC

Of Manes and Mares

For the first time since becoming a princess, the element of magic slept soundly. Her wings sat contentedly beneath her sheets, her crown beside her bed. On the floor was Spike, in the sky was the moon, and all was most certainly right with the world. Except perhaps, the dark teal sparks that leaped along her crown. Like distant lighting, they would flash for an instant, then disappear again, dim as embers and completely unseen.

What these lingering traces of Sunset would bring, only time would tell.

The first rosy hues of dawn seeped through the window, snuffing out the ghostly flashes around the crown. With a long yawn, its owner stretched, yelping as her wings slapped into the headboard, awakening her scaled companion. "Twilit!" In a flash he was up, eyes darting around for the intruder. "They won't get your crown again, I swear!"

His surrogate sister blinked a few times, before suppressing a giggle. "Oh Spike. Just my wings acting up again." She scrubbed the sleep from her eyes, and gently rolled out of bed. Yawning again, she took her crown as a precaution, and trotted over to the bathroom, sparing only a moment to magic her bed back into order. "Why don't you go see if Cadance has breakfast ready? I need a minute to clean up."

"Okay Twilit!" Twilit paused for a moment, almost turning around at the odd pronunciation of her name. Shrugging it off, she continued into the bathroom, about ready to hop into the shower, when something caught her eye. Slowly, she turned towards the bathroom mirror. She stepped closer, and closer, a frown deepening across her face as her eyes narrowed. "Wait a minute..."

Slowly, the amiable breakfast atmosphere died. No pony present wanted to acknowledge it, those last rattling gasps of comfort, but none there could deny it. Applejack was the most affected, her eyes starting to flick around the room, trying to find something interesting to stare at. The others weren't far behind, from Rarity's increasingly forced segues, to Fluttershy's slowly compacting posture. It was Spike who finally addressed the purple elephant in the room. "I swear, she said she'd only be a minute!"

"What in Equestria could be keeping her?" Rarity mused, flourishing her butterknife for emphasis. "I know I told her to embrace being a princess, but even her mane couldn't possibly take that long."

"M-maybe something happened!" Fluttershy squeaked, beginning to cower in her seat. "What if her wings got tangled in the shower curtain, and she slipped and fell!"

"Ah think the guards woulda heard that Fluttershy. Ah'm sure she's just figuring out how to preen or something."She coughed, her expression giving the lie to her bravado. "She'll be along any minute, just you-"

"GIRLS!" As if on mistimed cue, the mare of the hour burst into the room, sopping wet and her mane a mess. "Something's gone horribly wrong!"

A slew of gasps went around the room. Applejack, the closest, rushed to her friend's side, followed by the others. "Well out with it sugarcube! Is it Sombra or some other kinda evil varmint?"

"My mane streak is the wrong color!" The comment swiftly struck the entire room dumb, a cue the princess misinterpreted as rapt attention. "Look! Every morning, it's #7744A1 moderate violet! I kept a journal, fearing just this sort of thing might happen!" There was a flash of light, revealing said journal, which she opened to a likely pertinent opening. "I remember worrying that it had changed over on the other side of the portal, but the lighting was just different. I even got a spectrometer to make absolutely certain. This morning though..." She zipped through the pages rapidly, thrusting an accusing hoof at the last entry. "...my mane streak is clearly #8F00FF electric violet! I washed five times just to be sure! I don't know what's going on, but it can't be good. I'll get the elements! Spike, go notify the princesses!" She turned, and was already charging a teleport, when she noticed none of her friends had moved a muscle. "Girls?"

"Uh, Twi..." Applejack found herself cut short, an alabaster hoof upon her shoulder.

"Please, dear, let me." Rarity drew up every ounce of her considerable dignity, and immediately put on a sympathetic face. "Twilit, darling, do you remember the smarty pants incident?"

Twilit tilted her head, an ear flicking as none other than Rarity mispronounced her name. "Come again?"

"The smarty pants incident! Remember how afraid you were of being tardy, and how that started to... affect your judgement?" She smiled in the way one would at a mental patient they were desperately trying to reach. "Did you consider that perhaps this might be a... similar incident?"

"No!" Twilit exclaimed, again waving the journal forward. "I have documentation! I even have an emergency journal filled with corroborating measurements!" A flash, and now two open journals floated before Rarity, offering her their copious burdens of jargon. "I accounted for every variable, from mane oil content to local weather conditions and time of day at measurement! I even accounted for window density and construction, along with local furnishing hues and reflectivity!" She dove forward, grasping Rarity by her nonexistant lapels. "My mane has changed color, AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!"

"Woah woah woah!" In a chromatic blur, Rainbow Dash separated the two, hovering before her rapidly panicking friend. "Take it easy Twilit! It's just a mane, sheesh! Mine changes colors all the time!"

"Your mane is ALL the colors Dash! It's not the same!" She proceeded to grab great hooffuls of her mane, twisting the miscolored strands in her grip. "And stop calling me that!"

"Calling you what?" Rainbow threw a curious glance at the other sane members of the room, and received their own curiosity in return. "I didn't call you anything."

"Twilit! It's like, almost a nickname but not, and it's freaking me out!" Sure enough, she was panting, and her jaw was beginning to sit at an odd slanted angle.

"Uh... you mean, your name?" Dash hazarded, her expression leaving confused and entering worried. "Twilit Sporkle?"

Twilit's ear twitched so hard, her entire head moved. "...what?" The word came out as clipped and short as a snapping twig.

"Twilit Sporkle, element of magic?" Dash coughed, her concern mirrored in twelve other eyes around the room. "You know, your name? Are you... feeling okay?"

"No! I am not feeling okay!" Her panting had taken on an unhinged wheezing, and she began to back away from everypony. "The entire world seems to be going crazy all around me, and I. Don't. Know. Why."

"Twilit..." Fluttershy began, the word only making Twilit recoil.

"No, no, this is some kind of curse, or hex! The princess would know!" She exploded into what should have been relieved giggles, but in her state they only enhanced her dementia. "Of course! The princess always knows! And now I'm a princess too, but I DON'T. Isn't that FUNNY? AH HA HA HA HA HA!" Her forced laughed screeching like talons on a chalkboard, she quickly flashed out of existence, leaving a lingering tension in the room.

Without warning, one of the dinner platters lifted up, revealing a periscope wielding Pinkie Pie. "Is she gone yet?"

"Oh mercy." Applejack let out the breath they'd all been holding. "It's gonna be one of those days. Come on girls, let's go get the princesses."

Princess Celestia was enjoying her morning tea when it happened. A flash, and her soothing beverage had been replaced by the semi-insane face of her protege, looking up at her as though she were made of gold plated encyclopedias. "Princess!" She sing-songed in a wildly unstable swoop. "Justsowonderfultoseeyoubecauseyouseemymane'sgonecrazyandsohavemyfriendsandIcantfigureoutwhyIthinkit-" Celestia placed a golden shoe on her lips, offering her a quiet shhh.

"Easy now. You're safe with me." She gently pulled the already settling alicorn in beside her. "Now, just calm down Twilit, and tell me what's wrong." As she spoke, Celestia could almost swear she heard the twang of a spring snapping. One look at her student told her that she likely had.

"What..." Twilit whispered, her head vibrating in a distinctly unsettling way. "...is my name?"

Celestia froze. There were few times in her life that the solar princess felt she'd been hoofed an impossible situation. This was one of them. With no idea what she had to say, she went with what she could: the truth. "Twilit Sporkle. Does-" She couldn't finish. The way her student reacted, it reminded her of a great grandfather clock, abruptly hurled down a dry well to smash to pieces upon the bottom. "Twilit! Wai-"

There was a flash, and Celestia sighed.

The chamber of the moon was a quiet sanctum, padded and shrouded so that the princess of the night might better obtain the sleep she required. Its purpose was promptly defeated as a frizzy maned element of harmony practically exploded into the middle of the room. Sputtering, Luna flailed her way upright, her own mane less than ordered. "Twilit Sporkle! What is the-"

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" Screaming loud enough to shake plaster from the Ceiling, Twilit vanished again, the force of her teleport blasting the crown clean off Luna's head.

Startled, the Lunar diarch stared at the smouldering spot on her carpet. Her eyes glanced at the clock, then at the simmering embers on her floor. With a grunt, she grabbed a pillow and whapped down the last glimmers of heat, before flopping back into her bed's embrace. It was Celestia's shift, after all.

Shining Armor stopped dead as his rampaging sister appeared before him. "Twili!"

Standing stiff as a statue, his sister slowly turned her head, the impression one of barely restrained madness. "Hello Brother." Her movements were jerky and erratic, and her head constantly tilted back and forth, as though she could no longer completely control its angle. Her wings stuck out, one after the other, folding back in at random intervals, twitching like a badly built clock. "What's my name?"

Shining had run into her friends, and he knew her name seemed to freak her out. Utilizing years of rigorous royal guard training, he kicked his military brain into overdrive, devising the perfect tactical approach to the situation. "TwiiiiiillllloooorrrrrrSSssppppoooooooonnnnnnkkkkkklllllllleeee?" To his credit, the abject magnitude of her un-amusement did something to override the crazy. She still disappeared, however.

"Smooooth." Commented Cadance, having arrived just a second too late.

It was hours before her assorted friends found Twilit Sporkle again. It was the wild screaming and the stench of ozone that gave her away. Beneath the door to the mirror vault, rainbow flashes continually blazed, each one accompanied by the sharp whines of spells being cast. Even through the thick material of the door, her voice could still be heard.

"JUST YOU WAIT SUNSET! JUST YOU WAIT! NOPONY MESSES WITH THE NAME OF TWILIT SPORKLE!" There was a pause that could have put the depths of space to shame. "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I'LL BURN YOU SO HARD THE SUN WILL HAVE SCORCHMARKS!"

Everypony, regardless of rank or courage, opted to slowly back away.

Hours later, the door finally opened. The thing that emerged could hardly be identified as the newest princess of Equestria, much less a pony. Her mane stuck out in odd tufts, torn hunks scattered around the rest of her body as though they'd been used as confetti. Her entire body had been scorched with soot, and even as she stood there, her horn played host to a small, smoking flame upon its tip.

"I give up." With those three words, Twilit Sporkle collapsed, simply flopping out on the ground.

"About time!" Rarity tisked, and was the first to stand from the door-side tea party. Trotting over, she gently extinguished Twilit's horn, and tried to brush some of the mane from her fur. "I know you've gone through a terrible ordeal, Twilit, but that's no reason to get so worked up.

"I know." She moaned, lamely flopping half an inch forward. "I just... hate being called that. My name isn't Twilit Sporkle."

"Uh." Rainbow Dash hovered over, a hopeful half smile on her face. "Maybe we could call you another name?"

"That..." The gears began to turn once more, this time at a more sedate speed. "That might just work!"

An hour after that, the newly crowned princess Blazemane Powerhoof sat before a pile of ballots, glaring on as Pinkie Pie, Spike, and Rainbow Dash high-hoofed.

"I can't believe that won." She growled to herself.

Author's Note

I think this is the first comedy I actually put honest effort into. I hope you enjoy!