Duke Nukem: Equestria

by LatentPromise

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human
Length: 3624

When Equestria is burning, only one man can save it... "It's time to kick flank and eat cupcakes, and I'm all outta cupcakes!"

When Equestria is burning, only one man can save it… "Nobody steals my ponies… and lives!" Duke Nukem is back and ready for action in the hottest fic this side of the internet! Packed with more ass kicking than you can shake a stick at and babes ponies galore, prepare to tag along as you ask yourself, "Why the hell is Duke Nukem in Equestria?"

Originally posted as "Why the hell is Duke Nukem in Equestria?" before I realized it was crap. Original can be found here.
https://docs.google.com/folder/d/0B9SCdCd8T-y2WkFYbW14YXdFSUE/edit?usp=sharing
Seriously, don't go there. It sucks. The link didn't even want to work it sucked that bad.
Second version was less crap, but needed a lot of work so I took it down and started over. Find it here:
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B9SCdCd8T-y2RUs1N1RYM2R1Zm8/edit?usp=sharing

Author: me
Dude in the comments who tells me when I've mucked up the spelling or grammar: Lexicon

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-15 21:31:25 UTC

The End of /This/ Story

Author's notes:

No, you didn't misread the chapter title. As you may have noticed, or may not according to the view count, I have put this story on hiatus, as well as posted a blog on why and what I plan to do now. With a whopping total of twelve views, I could only gather that either everyone here ignores blogs or wasn't interested in the fic. So as a final effort to let anyone who once cared know about this, I'll explain why I have decided to stop writing "Why the hell is Duke Nukem in Equestria".

First, don't mistake this as the end for good. I want to write a good Duke Nukem story where he goes to Equestria. However, about a month ago I was driving home, thinking about what to do next with the fic and where I had gone wrong in places while remembering the fantastic Fallout: Equestria, and the thought slipped out "I wonder if anyone's ever going to take my idea and write a good Duke in Equestria fic, like that Fallout one... wait, wasn't I supposed to be the guy doing that?" You see, I've been studying up on what good writing looks like, and what bad writing looks like. And a lot of what I've written falls into the latter category. I've pulled really cliched and classic examples of bad plot devices and such, and not ironically or intended for humor, but straight-facedly.

Speaking of which, this was supposed to be a damn comedy. Not a drama, and not a dramedy. I had a few folks I had look this over ask with a raised eyebrow, "Wait, this is a comedy?" It's not funny. Not enough, anyway. I normally think of one joke, then write two thousand words around it and push it out. That's not a comedy. That's... shit writing.

Another thing is that I don't give enough information. This is a pony fanfiction site. Not a Duke Nukem fanfic site. And if it was, I'd have been banned already. Nobody here, save for a few, know what the hell I'm talking about when I say "The Rigelatin's brain snatching plan" or any other reference to the original platformers. No exposition, or not enough. I drop my readers into a universe where only half the lore is understood, and if they don't know anything about the other half (Duke's half) then they'll either roll with the punches or leave. That's bad writing. I know there's explaining through actions, but I don't really do that too well either.

Which brings me to another point. Out. Of. Bucking. Character. This is something I've struggled with, and thought I had fixed, but Duke was kind of a little bitch a couple times back there. That means it wasn't Duke. Trixie is weak and almost one dimensional, and she's supposed to be a primary character. I don't care that I fell behind what was canon when the Magic Duel episode (frickin' awesome ep) came out, but that I was barely keeping her a functional character with a cliche and contrived backstory? Unforgivable. The other characters I guess I did ok, but that was because most of you have a working understanding of them, and all I have to do is perpetuate the illusion that they're functioning as normal. If I don't do anything terribly OOC, then no one is the wiser to my poor writing. But when I have Celestia do something drastic, and have nothing to back up why that important character did that, no motivation(or worse, poorly contrived motivation), the rotting structure that I've been building on shows, bared for all to see.

So that's why I've decided to end this. This iteration at least. I still want to do this, but I want to do it right. And if I can't, then I shouldn't be doing it at all. Duke Nukem is awesome. Edit; Awesome, with a capital "A". I make him look bad by writing him into my shoddy fanfics. If it's beyond my abilities to do him justice, then I'm doing more harm than good.

With that said, I plan to try again. I'm gonna either retcon the shit out of this version, or flat out rewrite. I'm going to incorporate what I thought was usable from WthiDNiE:R, and create anew the stuffs that will breathe life into the new fic. One that needs a shorter title. I was thinking either "Duke Nukem: Equestria" as a reference both seriously and ironically to Fallout: Equestria, or "Duke Nukem in Equestria: 3D" as a reference to this being the third version, with fresh, new gameplay mechanics and 120% more kick ass. Also, expect updates to be something like once every other month. I hope to make them much lengthier, but all the same, I'm gonna be busy as all hell with some stuff in my personal life, so don't expect a lot from me. I seem to not have a lot to give.

I'm posting this now, while I have almost a chapter's worth of content for the rewrite, for you fine folks (if you're there anymore) to tell me what you think. Throw your opinions at me, see what sticks. Give a yea or nay on whether I should go through with this, tell me which name I should use(or suggest a new one), and above all, thanks for the support you've given me despite what I've done to poor Duke, and thanks to Lexicon for being there to always point out the glaringly obvious and the not-so-obvious screwups I made grammatically. It was fun, but it's time to kick ass and chew bubblegum. And I lost my last Dubble Bubble in a rigged game of poker.

Here, as a bonus, is what I had done of Chapter 8. There's a lot of missing stuff, as I was restructuring and rewriting parts inside it, and no end, but this is all that's left.

* * * * *

After Celestia tore out of the castle in pursuit of her student and niece, Luna had taken to the sky after her. This was much to the disappointment of Duke, as Duke Nukem always wants a piece of the action. Luna knew her sister could handle herself. Celestia caught up with the starship that now contained Twilight Sparkle and Princess Cadance, and Luna went around it.

After she cleared the atmosphere, it was obvious that Equestria was truly under attack and beyond mere threat of invasion. Thousands of ships, each as big as the last one, orbited around the planet. Ice... there is ice and plant matter from the far seas on them. They have been hiding in the oceans on the opposite side of the planet! Hiding so close, and we never suspected... Luna's already growing anger at the audacity of these things to attack the royal city and to steal away not only every subject in it, but to then reduce it to rubble was kept in check, even with this additional knowledge. A cruel, cold grin crept on her face as her eyes began to glow. The moon came into view from the far side of the planet, quickly blocking the light of the sun in a total eclipse. Her grin became sharper as her body became more toned and slender. Her coat darkened and her mane began to become even more wispy than before as she started to let her magic loose.

In the shadow of the moon, the night princess's powers peaked. Her face a portrait of dark madness, her wings spread as an angel of death, her eyes bright and cold as the stars above, she let out a soundless chuckle that rang through every ship in the enemy's fleet.

She rapidly approached one of the ships as it opened fire on her, the massive anti-warship shells flattening inches from her face and drifting away. Her horn focused, the space around it going black, and Luna loosed a thin line, no thicker than a thread, down before the ship as she passed over it. As she sped down its surface, the thread passed right through it. As if the vessel wasn't there. As she cleared it, the vessel spit in half, and quickly its reactor detonated leaving little more than a mass of cooling scrap metal behind.

She vanished, appearing inside another. Before the yellow Rigelatin captain could order his mechanical monstrosities to open fire, Luna's horn glowed pure obsidian again and the ship around her was crushed in a gravity well stronger than any black hole in this galaxy. It formed a ball around her, and she momentarily enjoyed the crushing feeling of the superdense metal against her body before she tore out of it and moved on.

She flew tens of thousands of miles per hour, and straight through several of the alien warships, making them full of more holes than that bug-queen's legs that had been banished not long ago. "Pity I didn't get the chance to punish her myself, particularly after what she had done to Celestia."

As the dozen or so ships stopped functioning, she figured it was time to think of how she was to clean up this mess she was making. But how... ah! That will do splendidly! She tore a hole in space and linked it to somewhere a few trillion lightyears away from any galaxy, and swept the existing debris into it before tearing through another couple ships. "How goes it, dearest sister!" she mirthfully asked telepathically. Silence was the response. As she glanced back to the ship that her sister had entered, she wondered why it was still intact- before noticing a white form fall from beneath it.

Luna's eyes widened as she closed the wormhole and raced to catch her sister. As she got closer, she saw her horn was snapped clean off, and her body was cold and still. The darkness dissipated as the moon returned to its regular route and Luna's coat went from darkest blue to its normal tone. She caught Celestia, cradling her close, and shot down to Canterlot. What was left of it.

* * * * *

Duke watched from the darkness, the distant explosions making him feel left out. Shining armor sat next to him, staring up into the sky, worry all over his face. Trixie, however, was busying herself with the variety of magical tomes and scrolls that were everywhere scattered amongst the flames, rubble, and glass. Duke sighed. And then had an idea.

"Trixie, how're you at teleportation?" He asked.

The blue unicorn looked up from a piece still-burning parchment irritatedly, "Umm... I'm great at it. But if you don't mind, I'm learning- er, brushing up on a few basic spells."

Duke cocked an eyebrow, "With that wand, how're you at teleportation?"

She suddenly understood why he was asking. "You don't mean you want to-"

"Uh-huh," he nodded.

She squinted at him unsurely, "And you need me to-"

"Yeah," he grinned.

Trixie looked around, as if to find an excuse, before deadpanning, "Fine. But honestly, I can't be sure if I can get us up there, or even if "us" will still be in one piece or several. The wand is a... very unstable thing."

Shining looked to her with renewed hope, before poking her in the ribs, "You sure it's the wand?"

She glared at him before saying, "Alright. Everypony- everyone, don't move. Or breathe. Or... aw, buck it. Let's go."

She took the wand in her mouth, horn glowing brighter as she did so, and with a stock magic sound effect, they were gone.

* * * * *

Luna landed gently on the mountaintop castle in the throne room. The roof and east wall had collapsed, and sunlight was streaming in through the smoke and dust, the usually bustling city around them silent. She lay Celestia down before her on the red carpet, the blood from her severed horn slowly dying both her face and the carpet beneath her. She was still unmoving and cold to the touch. The dark blue alicorn lay her head on her sister's chest, and began to weep quietly. Her sorrow, however, was interrupted by a weak cough.

Celestia looked up at her little sister, tears in her eyes once more herself. "They took them all. They took Cadance... They took my dear Twilight... and if we fight them ourselves, they will without a doubt kill them before we could stop them. Luna... what are we going to do?"

Luna swallowed hard. "I know not... it seems our wagers may have to be placed on Nukem."

* * * * *

Twilight Sparkle was tossed into her cell. She was free of the iron maiden device that had been devised to hold her, but only because of the ring around her horn that stopped her magic. It was a device created only recently by the changeling queen in cooperation with the aliens she now knew to be called "Rigelatin." She tested it again, collapsing and almost passing out from the pain that coursed through her body from her forehead. It was like a toothache and a burn except a hundred times worse.

She stayed on the floor, almost tearing up again as she recalled what she had seen just minutes ago. Her princess, her mentor, her... well, almost a second mother, had just been... Was she killed?! No, she can't die... can she?

A familiar tough-girl voice interrupted her fears, "Twi! Hey, Twi! Hello, Cloudsdale to egghead, do you copy?"

She sniffled before getting up and moving over to her cell's bars. "R-Rainbow Dash? Is that you? Are you alright?"

Her cyan pegasus friend replied from not too far away. "Yeah, I'm fine. Well, they didn't get me without a fight. I think my wing's a bit bruised... Gonna have to get that fixed up after we get outta here, right?" she asked nervously. It was really bad when she was nervous.

"Yeah, you'll have to be in Ponyville General for a while again. Luckily for you, I just got the new Daring Do in. "The Final Raid" I think it's called," Twilight said calmly, trying to be strong for he friend.

"Oh yeah? I haven't finished the last one yet... what's this one about?"

* * * * *

With a flash and another canned magic sound, Duke, Trixie, and Shining Armor arrived... somewhere. Duke did a standard teleport check: Hair, shades, gun, crotch. Sure everything was safe and still there, he made sure the ponies he arrived with were alright. Trixie was a little dizzy, and Shining Armor was ready to puke, but other than that they seemed to have made it.

They seemed to be in a dense jungle, full of large, odd looking plants and trees. However, the floor was metal, and beyond the plants in the distance were faint lights. One would guess that they were stars in strangely linear order, but Duke had seen them before. They were lights on the far wall of this fully enclosed miniature forest, onboard the Regelatin flagship. "I think we're on the right ship. No normal one has this big of a biolab. It produces all the oxygen they need, and gives them a place to do their sick experiments," he explained.

Just as Duke was about to give the word to move out, speakers around the ship and out of sight loudly activated. A sludgy voice echoed around them, "This is your emperor and ship's captain... prepare to engage warp and get us away from this foul place. It is unlikely either of these creatures' gods will try to challenge us again because we hold those dear to them hostage. Once more, a civilization will die for the sake of a few. This is their weakness, and our strength. Rigelatin eternal."

"This is definitely the one," Duke said mostly to himself. "Alright, we've got to get to the prison blocks first." Duke Nukem may not be the brightest, he may not be the humblest, and he may not be the most polite, but he always had an uncanny sense of direction sometimes.

He began to lead the impromptu search party through the dimly lit foliage,

MISSING CONTENT

The three had stealthily made it to the prison block, and were readying to break loose that princess and Twilight. Duke peeked into the room, "Looks like we've only got a few guards. This time, we've got the drop on them. I'll be right back."

With that, he quietly walked into the room. The eyes of hundreds of upper class ponies watched him as he walked right up behind a guard and squeezed his neck until it made that unmistakable wet pop. Duke smiled to himself, before doing the same to another that was working a computer terminal. He furrowed his brow in thought as he decided how to take out the last two enemies. He then pulled out his shotgun and his pistol, pointed the shotty at the terminator-like robot that faced the door leaving the room, and lined up the head of the last fleshy guard on a catwalk in the sights of his glock. He pulled both triggers at once, and both enemies fell. "Looks like a cleanup on aisle four," Duke quipped. "C'mon, we've got ponies to save!"

The others followed in, and quickly every pony in the cell block burst into cries for help. "Shut the fuck up!" Duke shouted louder than one would think he could. Silence. "If you guys let the aliens know we're here, then it's all over. So keep it quiet. Now, is Twilight Sparkle here?" Silence. "Figures. Let's move, if we find her, the Rigelatin lose their tactical brain to harvest."

The ponies all started to freak out again now that Duke was leaving. "I'll be back," he stated in an odd accent and opened the hall to the next block. Shining and Trixie exchanged looks before following him. Four cell blocks and a lot of shooting later, Duke called out for Twi again.

"Over here!" she called from her cell.

"Twily!" Shining exclaimed as he rushed over to the bars.

"Shining Armor! You're here too? Thank Celestia you're all-" she suddenly went silent and looked down.

"What's the matter?" Duke inquired.

"Celestia... I think she died trying to save me. They told her if she interfered, they would kill me. And so they killed her..." she trailed off again.

"That's impossible! Celestia can't die. Right?" Shining Armor was scared.

"Hey! Lemme outta here!" interrupted Rainbow Dash's voice.

Trixie stepped forward from where she had been standing out of view, refusing to make eye contact with Twi. "Why should we free her? If we free one more than Sparkle, then the others will complain about us not freeing them immediately and then the aliens will be alerted to our presence."

"Trixie?! What the hay are you doing here?" Twilight asked in bewilderment.

"I happened to be the most powerful unicorn in Equestria, and my services were needed. So here I am... on the outside of a cage," she said haughtily.

Twilight was even more confused. "Uh... what? Duke?"

Duke rolled his eyes, "I pulled her outta that ship that attacked Ponyville. She's been useful so far. And if you're in that cell, that might have made her the most powerful unicorn in Equestria at the time... I dunno."

Trixie grinned. Twilight furrowed her brow. "We need to get Rainbow Dash out of there. I won't go with you if you don't." Trixie's grin wavered.

"We can't-" Duke began. "Ok, I'm bustin' her out." Duke looked over to the cell he heard Dash in, swiped the card key he picked up off one of the guards, an Dash's cell opened. He whispered something into her ear, showed her the holomap of the ship from one of the terminals, and Dash dashed. "Remember, twenty minutes!" he shouted after her as she disappeared into a vent.

"Yeah, yeah, I heard you the first time..." came her echoed reply.

"Duke?" Twilight asked.

He looked back to her, "Yeah?"

She stared at him slack-jawed. "What was that?"

He laughed. "Backup plan. Now, let's get you outta there." He tried the card key, which of course didn't work. He only had the one explodomolar... So he grasped the bars, gave a mighty grunt, and pulled the door clean off, leaving the cell and the watching ponies' mouths wide open. "Alright, we've got a ship to turn around."

Twi stepped warily out of her cell, before remembering, "Oh no, the changeling queen!"

"The what?" Duke asked.

"She's the queen of a race of pony-like shapeshifters called changelings. She's working with the Rigelatin!" Twilight explained.

"Well, I'll just have to kill that bitch too," Duke smirked.

Duke, Trixie, Twilight, and Shining Armor proceeded to make their way to the bridge.

* * * * *

"Here we are," Duke whispered. "Now, Twilight, you and Shining stay here. Shining, protect her. She's who they want, and almost need, to take over Equestria. Trixie, you stay-"

"No way! I'm not staying back here with... Trixie wishes to show those aliens what she's got," she recovered awkwardly.

Duke raised an eyebrow. "You're gonna get yourself killed."

"No I won't!" she retorted.

"And then I'll have another cute, cuddly pony's death on my conscience," he sighed.

With an "UGH!" Trixie snatched Duke's ripper with her magic and burst onto the bridge. "COME GET SOME!" her shout echoed through the door before the sound of fully automatic gunfire blared to life.

"You've gotta be kiddin' me..." Duke said before he rushed in after her.

* * * * *