Adventures with Randy and Narry

by StapleCactus

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2191

Join some guy named Random and his cohort Narrator in a series of short stories guaranteed to make you laugh.

Within these hallowed pages, you will find the greatest stories to come this generation. Narrator and Random have joined forces to bring you these epic tales of wonder in the only manner they know how: by arguing with each other and being complete buffoons.

Co-authored by Enfan

Published 2013-11-05 15:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2017-05-29 18:08:39 UTC

Twilight Done Goofed Part 1

If one were to look into the night sky, what would they see? Stars, maybe a planet if they’re lucky, right?

“Yup. That sounds about right. The hell are we talking about that crap for though?”

Well, if you’d give the narrator just a few minutes, maybe he could tell you.

“Is this gonna be another bad self insert X Luna story?”

So they might see stars, or a planet, but they wouldn’t expect to see nothing. And on this night, that’s exactly what the night sky was: nothing.

“Wait, Wait, Wait. What are the tags for this story? We talkin’ like… adventure here or tragedy?”

Why did you check here for this? That seems like a weird thing to do, oh well, guess you found it, congrazzles and stuff. You must be the envy of all your friends.

I’m making it up as I go. Maybe it’s a tragic adventure, maybe it’s a comedic slice of life. Who knows?!

“Maybe it’s a sad tragedy just to make Knighty turn over in his grave. Why, one might call it a sagedy.”

Well, that’s definitely redundant. Ever heard of a comedic tragedy? Wait, don’t answer that. Damn you Shakespeare… We’re getting off topic.

“Right, sorry, go ahead narrator, spin me a tale of epic proportions where I am in fact the mightiest alicorn with powers over death.”

No, actually, you’re a lowly grub milling in the dirt.

“With great potential?”

Yes, potential to be eaten by a bird, which then flies to Fluttershy’s cottage because you were poisonous. Then, that bird somehow gets her to look at the sky.

“Perhaps it carried me by the husk.”

Since when do grubs have husks?

“Maybe on a line between it’s talons.”

So, what, you’re trying to find some way where the bird doesn’t eat you and doesn’t get poisoned, yet still goes to Fluttershy for help?

“I’m just all about the health of the bird here, you know?”

Right, whatever. Anyway, about that sky. You see, it was black for a reason: Luna.

“Was she busy wooing a tall handsome human? Ya know, forgot to turn the stars on.”

Last I checked, the human was wooing her. In fact, I don’t think there’s a story out there where she was the one doing the woo-ing.

“Well I know one that’s kind of half and half. It’s a great story see, the first part is called To Befriend the Night and is all about how a dark and mysterious human with a haunting past ends up in Equestria and… actually, nah that sounds kinda cliche doesn’t it?”

Enough, enough. Look, are we going to do this or not?

“Sorry, sorry, go ahead. Why was the sky dark and what did it have to do with Luna?”

Luna was in a coma.

“Oh, fair enough, I honestly didn’t expect that.”

Twilight did it. Oh, Celestia is in one, too.

“This is sounding like that one fic where Twilight was actually a clay golem thing now.”

No, see, this is different, because she didn’t do it on purpose.

“Like, ‘woops, accidentally knocked out the rulers’ not on purpose?”

If you call playing with your newfound powers a little too much and actually phase-shifting yours into the other alicorns’ fields so much that it knocked them out as that, yes.

“I understood like…. fifty percent of the sentence, but I get your point.”

It works like this: Celestia has dominion over the sun and day, while Luna has control over the night and sky. They can cross each other’s power because they both agreed to it and are accepting it at a moments notice. Twilight, however, did not have this pact in place with them just yet, and… stuff.

“I see. Hey, wait, you know that awesome poisonous grub we talked about earlier? When does he come into play here?”

Like I said, a bird eats it and gets sick, which causes it to fly to Fluttershy’s cottage and calls her outside. Then, when the pegasus leaves to check on the noise, she spots the sky being pitch-black. This, in turn, leads her to run off to Twilight’s house.

“Oh I see, so he nobly sacrificed his life in order to trigger a butterfly effect that moved the story ahead in it’s time line. Let’s take a moment of silence for this true patriot.

…

There, silence done. Now, he didn’t have to die. I’m sure some other pony would have noticed it eventually. Like, say, when the sun didn’t rise in the morning.

“When we get to one of those ‘few seconds left’ moments in the story we’ll know that it was his death that saved everyone’s non existent lives though.”

Yeah, that’s a fair point. I know it’s got some narrative title to it, to start your story on some small thing that slowly pushes the narrative further, but I can’t recall it. Anyway, yes, grub saves lives by being eaten. Fluttershy goes to Twilight’s.

“The heck did you do you winged monster?’ Is that how it starts? No? Can it? Please?”

Fluttershy wouldn’t say that. Ever.

“That’s why I’m saying we do it in a fanfiction that no one will ever read narrator.”

This isn’t even a fanfic, yet. Heck, all I see is me arguing with a grub THAT SHOULD BE DEAD NOW!

“You were the primary cause of my death, so I’m haunting you now. Don’t worry though, I’mma go drink some… ectoplasm dew. It’s ectoplasmic or something, whatever, you tell this story and I’ll go steal someone’s soul.”

Wonderful. Now, if my cohort would be so kind as to join properly when he’s done sucking souls, we can begin this tale all a proper.

Ten Mintues Later <

“So look Narry, we have a problem. I may have accidentally sucked out Celestia’s soul while she was in her coma.”

How… I… You know what? It’s fine. We can fix this. Hold on… Uh… Ah, here we are! Celestia’s Soul recipe mix, ‘for the voodoo in you.’

“What’s the recipe Narry my home slice?”

First, don’t call me ‘home slice.’ Second, Narry? Third, ‘just add ectoplasmic dew.’

“Dangit, I was down to my last can of the stuff too and I wanted to drink it. Oh well, I”ll just… dew without…”

Well, that there’s the problem. I need TWO cans, and since you ARE ectoplasmic dew…

“Wait! No! I have an idea Narry. We’ll just take out Luna’s soul and use it to bring Celestia back to life. I mean, let’s be honest, we could replace her with a cardboard cut out and a voice recorder in the show.”

...No. Just, no. We need Luna, too. And really, I don’t think you can trade a soul for a DEVOURED SOUL! Really, I just have no idea why I’m letting you still exist. I’m the narrator! I do what I want!

“Last plan, we kill the bird that ate me and use it’s ghost to fuel this recipe.”

No, that won’t work. The bird is only maybe a quarter of a can of dew. You’ll work because, as you explained to the audience already, you’re an epic grub. Epic things get +6 to their stats. All of them.

“Damn, well, no choice then. I’ll just have to sacrifice myself for the greater good. You know, again.”

Yes. Sacrifice your nonexistent self.

LE DEAD AGAIN GRUB USED SACRIFICE <

IT’S SUPER EFFECTIVE. <

Good. Now that that’s over, I can rewind time to the very beginning and make sure not to create a grub at all.

~~~~Wooo~~~~Timey-Wimey stuff~~~~~~

LET’S ALL DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN <

Chapter 1

…

…

Narry, you there? Listen Narry, I’m sorry for what I did. It’s so dark here…

..So dark…

“Well, crap. I seem to have made you the narrator… somehow…”

~~~~Trying again~~~~

The Real Chapter 1

(God Dammit Grub, stop showing up)

You ever screw up?

I mean like, really really bad?

Yea me neither, but Twilight has.

Two guesses about the main plot point…

...Well, I guess having two narrators is good, too. Here’s how this works, I’ll narrate, then Grub McIrritant will narrate. We’ll go paragraph by paragraph.

I feel aliiiiiiive….

You know they can’t read white, right? Oh… wait…. Heh, brilliant.

I’ll have to hide a different one somewhere else, somewhere where they’ll least expect it. Wahahaha! Sorry. I am a grub after all, not very good with the whole focus thing. Story? Story.

Chapter 1

(No, really, it’s chapter 1 this time)

(Are we sure about that?)

(Yes)

(Okay, you lead on then.)

As cliche as it is to start with the weather, I’d much rather avoid dealing with that grub again, so I’ll have to revamp the whole… slow buildup thing. But as I was saying earlier, when one looks to the night sky, they expect to see stars, or even a planet if they have the right equipment for it.

But, well, see… they didn’t. See, that is. There was nothing up there. It was dark as a bad slash fic with a gore tag.

It was under this void that Rainbow Dash stood, confusion etched upon her features like a poorly-crafted statue by a pony of ill-repute. Where are the stars? she wondered, though I don’t see why she would announce her thoughts when her actions were self-evident already. Seeing no answers forthcoming, she stretched her wings in preparation for the marathon ahead.

And then bang! She was up! She was out! She was crusin’ through the air with a level of speed that would have made ol’ Howard Hughes vomit. But she didn’t mind any, she was too in the moment, all the speed, all the zoom! And all too quick she realized… she really hadn’t gone very far yet… so she slowed down for a moment to regain her quickly drained endurance.

Not that she had far to go. From where she once stood to her chosen destination, there was only twenty meters. Yes, meters, because “feet” is something ponies don’t have, so we’re using the metric system. Anyway, her cruise set her right at the spot she wanted: in front of the town library’s door. With a hoof raised, she beat furiously on that helpless wood.

That poor wood. Man, I think I knew that wood’s father, we hung out sometimes, I would eat him alive and he wouldn’t talk. You know, because he was wood, and wasn’t sapient. I assume it broke? Or maybe Twilight opened the door? Or perhaps lightning struck and turned Rainbow into the embodiment of electricity?

Rainbow kept punching at that door, but it never opened, until she tried the doorknob, anyway. Within the hollowed out tree, she found Twilight collapsed on the floor, a dozen books laying atop her like a shelf no one wanted to organize. With a gasp of shock, she ran over and shook her friend repeatedly.

And Twilight, very briefly, mumbled something that won’t be repeated in this text, but that Rainbow would ask about every now and then when she needed a good laugh. Okay, no, we will repeat it, it was a stupid pun/joke about books. ‘Leaf me alone.’ You know, like when you leaf through a pamphlet? No? Anyway, Twilight, groggily, raised her head from the ground and before she was able to confront Rainbow’s fears, she had to deal with the fact that the hemispheres of her brain felt like they were playing red rover with each other and colliding again and again in the middle.

Conveniently, or maybe proper planning-ly, Twilight had long since started keeping headache medicine in every nook and cranny she could find that could hold a tiny pill bottle. Even more conveniently, she learned how to swallow pills without the need for water some time ago, so she needn’t wake up Spike to fetch her anything. Reaching up on the central dais of the room, she plucked one of these bottles from its hiding place and dumped four pills into her mouth. How she managed to count them without seeing them first, we may never know, but she had them now and that meant she could deal with Rainbow Dash’s nonsensical ramblings about a starless sky.

Hey man, we hit two thousand words, you wanna take a random break right here or do you wanna keep going?

Is that a color? I don’t think that’s a color. Anyway, yeah, I’m going to go have a smoke right quick.

Le Gasp< Not in front of the kids!

Dude, it’s rated teen. We’re good. Now do your part.

Author's Note

Will Twilight survive? Will they save the world? Will they find the seventh dragon ball? Maybe, heck if I know, I’m just a grub.

I don't know, maybe if you did your part they would know sooner. But, I guess a good break is in order.

No chapter, no story

Narry shook his head in a white void, bereft of his good mate Randy, for the story was cancelled before it even had a plot to tell.