Holding on to Nothing
As You Drift Away
“So, um, h-how… how’s your soup, Dashie?” My words hang in the oppressive silence of our kitchen. Or is it only mine again? You haven’t been spending nights here for a week now, and I’ve been crying myself to sleep each time I have to go to bed alone. It takes several seconds for you to look up from your bowl, as if my question had to slowly float over to you.
“It’s good. Thanks for making dinner, ‘Shy.” You flash a quick half smile before going back to mechanically eating, and it breaks my heart a little more. I haven’t seen one of your confident, cocky grins in so long, and honestly, it’s all I want. To see you smile again, really smile, but you don’t and you haven’t for weeks now. Well, almost. There is one time you still smile, when you look at her. You always think that I’m not looking, but I’ve seen the way you look at Applejack. It’s the way I always hoped you would look at me one day. When I first asked you out and you said yes, I was so happy… but I was naïve. Blind.
Stupid.
I can see now that you only agreed because you were trying to protect me. You didn’t think I could take your rejection. You pitied me. No, perhaps that’s too harsh. You just didn’t want to hurt me, but once you agreed, you couldn’t find a way out without doing just that. So, you kept pretending to be interested in me, and it was enough for me… at first. Then you started to drift away. It started innocuously enough; missing a meal to train for a Wonderbolts tryout, or having to get up early for weather patrol. I tried to ignore it, to pretend it didn’t hurt, and it worked for a while.
But then yesterday happened.
You had left early for ‘weather patrol’ again, and I was supposed to be tied up taking care of the Annual Bunny Census all day. Right before I was going to start, though, one of the poor little things got away and I chased him all the way to the edge of town. I was about to head back home when I saw you walking through the park with her. You and Applejack were laughing at something, and I was about to say hello, but then your wing darted out, the tip just brushing along Applejack’s cutie mark.
You feathermarked her.
I wanted to scream, to yell at you, to yell at her, but I couldn’t. I saw that smile on your face, the one I’ve wanted to see for so long. So, I went home and cried into my pillow, hoping I would be done before you got home… if you got home. When you finally did come home, I expected you to break up with me right then. I was prepared for it, or as prepared as I could be. But you didn’t, you pretended nothing was wrong, and I went along with it, desperate to keep you from drifting any further from me than you already had.
Part of me knows that you want to be with her, that it’s what makes you happy. I know that I should let you go so you don’t have to sneak around behind my back to see her. It’s just a matter of time until you finally get sick of it and leave me. Maybe I’ll be strong enough to let you go so that you don’t have to hurt me, but I doubt it. I’m almost never strong, and when I am, it’s always for you. I know you want me to be strong now, but I don’t think I can. Not this time.
I’m drawn back to the present when your chair screeches backward across the floor and you stand up. You yawn, but it’s a little too big to be genuine. “Hey, ‘Shy, I had a rough day with weather duty. A big storm front popped up outta nowhere from over near Baltimare. I’m gonna turn in early, okay?”
“Oh, um, o-okay.” I nod meekly and keep my eyes fixed on my bowl, but I don’t think you even notice. I’ve barely eaten any of the soup, but you don’t notice that either. You would have in the past, even if it was just to ask if you could have what I didn’t eat. But that was before I messed everything up between us. I can feel the hot tears welling in me, so I stand up and head for the front door. I want desperately to fight for you, but you’ve already given up. “I-I have to, um, check on the nocturnal animals, then I’ll be up.”
“Want some help?”
Your question catches me off-guard, and my hoof freezes on the doorknob. You never offer to help me check on animals, usually because you’re still asleep. I look back over my shoulder and see something in your eyes. Guilt. You’re not offering to help because you want to, but because you feel bad. Why, though? Do you feel bad for sneaking off to see Applejack behind my back? Or for feathermarking her? Or maybe even for something worse that I don’t know about yet? Regardless, I smile and shake my head. “No, thank you. I can handle it. You go ahead to bed.”
For a moment, you look like you’re going to insist. You even lift a hoof to step toward the door. But after a few seconds of indecision, you turn back to the staircase. “Alright. I’ll see you upstairs, then.” You’re angry. I can hear it in your voice. I watch you start to climb the stairs, and something in me says that I should call you back and tell you that I know about you and Applejack. Even if you get mad and break up with me, it has to be better than this, doesn’t it?
Before I can muster the courage to say anything, you’re already up the stairs, and I hear the door to the bedroom close behind you. Sighing and lamenting my own cowardice, I trudge out the front door and make my rounds with the nocturnal animals. However, I go through the actions on auto-pilot, barely paying attention to the little critters because my mind is a hundred miles away. While I’m filling food dishes and changing bandages, all I can think about is seeing you with her in the market. I can still hear you laugh, really laugh, as you walk next to her, and it breaks my heart.
Once I finish up with the animals just waking up for the night, I head back inside. A shiver runs down my spine as I step in from the unseasonable cold, ‘winter’s last hurrah’ as you put it. I start to drift toward the stairs, but stop as a snore rumbled down from above. I stand there, wracked with indecision. On the one hoof, you’re finally spending a night here. I’ve been praying for this for days now. On the other hoof, now I know the truth, and a tiny voice in the back of my mind tells me that even if we do sleep together tonight, you’ll be dreaming of her.
Eventually, my fear and wins out, like it always does, and I turn away. I walk over to the couch and flop down on it, pulling a pillow to my chest as I feel the tears begin to rise. I try and tell myself that it will be okay, that things will work out like they always do when a problem comes up between the six of us. Like the time that Applejack and Rarity were stuck at Twilight’s house during the storm, or when I became a model and Rarity and me couldn’t be honest with eachother about how we felt. We’ll get help from the others, work this out, and everything will be all better. Maybe we’ll even write a letter to Princess Celestia about it.
If only I believed myself.
I slowly blink, waking up after another night of uneasy sleep. I don’t remember any specifics from my dreams, though, looking at the disheveled cushions and pillows on the couch, they were probably nightmares. Something’s different, however. I don’t feel as afraid. Usually, I wake up shaking and wanting nothing more than to crawl away and hide somewhere safe. It’s almost like my dreams became… calmer, if not more peaceful. I hop down from the couch and run a hoof through my bedraggled mane. A snore rumbles down from upstairs, telling me you’re still asleep. I quickly fix the couch and head outside to make the morning rounds on my animals.
It’s a few hours later and I’m flying back from a quick run into town. You were actually still home when I left for once, but Mister Badger’s fever is flaring up and I had to get some ingredients to make his medicine. You didn’t say anything about work or training before I left, so I hope that you’ll still be there when I get back, but I doubt it.
“Hey, Fluttershy!” I hear Applejack’s voice float up to me, but I don’t want to talk to her. I know now that she’s the one you really want. I briefly consider just flying away and pretending I didn’t hear her, but I can’t. Sighing, I bank into a turn and look down, taking a few seconds to find her. She’s smiling and waving at me. She looks happy, like you.
I hate her for it.
The feeling surprises me for a moment as I glide down. I haven’t spoken to her since I found out, and I don’t know anything about what’s really going on between you two. It doesn’t matter. All I feel when I look at her is a roiling anger building in the pit of my stomach. When my hooves finally hit the ground, she trots over and pulls me into a quick hug. It’s over as quickly as it began, but it still fuels my anger while it lies in wait. She asks a question, but I don’t hear it. “I’m sorry… what was that?”
“Ah asked what brought ya round these parts so early.” She’s still smiling, and it annoys me. A small, dark voice reminds me of what I can do as ‘New Fluttershy.’ I have to admit, the thought it tempting, and I can already feel the words forming on my tongue. Instead, I swallow them, putting on a friendly smile.
“Oh, well Mister Badger has an infection in his paw that’s acting up, and I had to get some things in town to help him get better.” I lift a wing to show the saddlebags draped across my back. “What about you?”
“Oh, just out and about fer a bit.” She shrugs, that irritating smile still fixed to her face. “We got ahead of schedule on the harvest, so Mac and Ah are takin’ the day off.” She reaches up and pushes her hat further back on her head. “Gotta say, it’s mighty nice to spend a day just relaxin’ and not havin’ to get up with the roosters for once.” Her smile slips just a bit and she glances off to the side. “Say, ‘Shy, Ah don’t mean to pry none, but… how’re things between you and RD?” Something inside me snaps, and I feel all of those cruel words I swallowed come rushing back. I don’t think I can stop them from pouring out, and frankly, I don’t want to.
"How are things? You tell me, Applejack. How are things with Rainbow Dash?" I scream at her, and she looks back at me like I am insane. Maybe I am, maybe it would be easier that way. I'm not losing you, I'm just crazy. Don't mind the crazy mare, folks. "How dare you! I saw you two in the market the other day. You let her feathermark you! After everything we’ve been through, after you called us family… How could you lie to me like this? How do you live with yourself?" She only blinks dumbly in response. She grasps for words for a few moments before she finally speaks.
“Fluttershy, what in the name of Celestia’s yellow sun are you talkin’ about?” The dumb expression on her face is amusing, but the fact that she’s feigning ignorance only makes me angrier. I step closer to her and she steps back. But why? She’s so much stronger than me, so why is she scared of me?
“I’m talking about the other day!” My wings flare as I shout, and her eyes widen for a brief moment. There’s a glint of fear in her eye. She’s scared of me. The thought sends a shiver down my spine. I press forward and she keeps backing up, nearly tripping over her own hooves. “Rainbow told me that she had work, but then I saw her with you in town.”
“‘Shy, Dash never said nothin’ to me ‘bout havin’ to work.” She swallows nervously, her eyes darting around and looking for help. “Ah was just out at the farm harvestin’ apples, and she showed up askin’ if’n Ah wanted to get a bite to eat.”
“That’s not important!” My lips curl back in a snarl. “You let her feathermark you!” By now, I’m thankful that we’re alone. It means that nopony will try and step in, try and tell me to calm down. The image flashes through my mind again, and part of me want to just lunge at her and… I’m not even sure, but I feel like I need to make her pay for taking you away from me.
“Ah don’t know what yer talkin’ ‘bout, sugarcube.” She stops backing up, planting her hooves and standing firm. I keep advancing, stopping only when I’m barely an inch away from her. “Ah ain’t never heard of this feather… thing yer goin’ on about.”
That throws me off, and it’s my turn to blink in confusion. “You… you haven’t?” I wonder if she could be telling the truth, but I also don’t want to think that you would do something like feathermark her without her knowing what it means. Then again, I also thought you wouldn’t sneak around behind my back to be with somepony else. My anger falls away, reduced to a tiny ember in my gut. I want to still be angry with her, but I can’t. “B-but… the other day, when Rainbow brushed your cutie mark with her wing…”
“Yeah, so?” She shrugs, still confused. But after a few moments, the pieces seem to click into place for her. “Oh… that ain’t some kinda… private thing, is it?”
“I… I…” I can feel the tears begin to sting my eyes while I stammer, but I blink them away. Taking a second to breathe, I try to figure out how best to explain it. My wings flutter briefly when she glances at them for just an instant. “It’s a very… intimate thing.” The way her eyes bulge open removes any doubt of her honesty. “I-it’s a way of showing… romantic interest in somepony, and a way of letting others know that you’re… together.” My voice is barely a whisper by the time I finish, and only the blanching of her face assures me that she heard.
She’s silent for a time, and I briefly consider just turning and walking away. Eventually, her shocked expression gives way to one of anger. “Why that no good, low down…” She lets out a frustrated snort and shakes her head, then turns back to me. Her expression softens a little, but the underlying anger is still there. “Ah’m mighty sorry, sugarcube. Ah… Ah had no idea. Ah didn’t think nothin’ of it. Heck, Ah barely noticed it when it happened.” Her eyes fall to the ground at her hooves and she lets out a sigh. When she looks back up, her anger is replaced by sadness.
“Ah can’t believe she’d do somethin’ like that, ‘Shy. Ah mean, Ah know she said she lo—” She freezes, her mouth clamping shut and her eyes locked onto me. It only confirms what I already knew, but it still hurts in my chest.
“It’s okay, Applejack.” I smile, or at least I try to. Based on her reaction, I don’t think I’m doing a very good job. “I… I know.”
She winces. “Did she… Did she say anything about… well, me?”
“No.” I shake my head, and her expression falls further. She looks absolutely crestfallen, and I can tell that she’s beating herself up over what happened, even though she didn’t know about it. “It’s okay, Applejack. Really.” I reach forward to try and comfort her.
“No it aint.” She shrugs off my hoof, unable to look me in the eye. “When she first told me ‘bout all of—” She makes a sweeping gesture to encompass the both of us. “—this… Ah told her she needed to talk to ya about it.” She finally looks up, and I can tell that she’s hating every word she has to say.
A question forms in my mind. It’s going to hurt to ask, and I know it will, but I need to know the answer. “How… or, um… wh-when did she talk to you about it?” Every instinct tells me to look away, to run, to hide. But I can’t. I need to hear this, and if I give up now, then I never deserved you to begin with.
“It was…” She pauses and reaches up to adjust her hat. “Prolly ‘bout a week ago now. She was just hangin’ out at the farm and Ah asked her how things were between you two. She said y’all were doin’ fine at first… but Ah could tell somethin’ was on her mind, so Ah pried a little and, well…” She looks at me, and all I can see in her eyes is regret. “Ah’m sorry, ‘Shy. Ah shoulda just kept mah mouth shut, but Ah couldn’t and she… she told me that she loved me.”
I knew it was true when I saw you and her together, but hearing my fears confirmed still hurts. My heart screams betrayal and I have to swallow the emotions that threaten to boil over again. But even through all of the pain and frustration, I can’t stay mad. If you love her then all I can do is try to make sure the two of you are happy together. That’s what love is, isn’t it? Valuing another’s happiness over your own?
“I know, and it’s okay.” I move forward again, laying a hoof on her shoulder. “She… she wants to be with you, and I know it will make her happy. That’s all I really want.” She tries to look off to the side, but I gently bring her head back around. “I’ve seen the way she is with you… the way she smiles around you, the way she laughs, even the way she looks at you when you’re not paying attention.”
“It… It ain’t right, ‘Shy.” She shakes her head, and I can see moisture glisten in her eyes. “Ah’m sorry, sugarcube. If’n Ah’d known—”
“Hush.” I press a hoof to her lips, silencing her. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You were just trying to help a friend.” I let my hoof fall, and I know that the next part will be the hardest. “I… I want you to take care of her. Make her happy.” As the words pass my lips, I feel a dull ache in my chest. It hurts, like someone just ripped a hole in me, but I know it’s the right thing to do. Some tiny recess in the back of my mind screams at me not to do this, to fight for you. But what’s the point? I’ve already lost. “She deserves it.”
She pulls back a bit, her eyes wide. “But ‘Shy, Ah… Ah couldn’t. Not if’n it means…” She trails off as if she can’t say the rest out loud.
“Yes, you can.” I can feel the tears stinging my eyes again and I doubt I’ll be able to stop them this time. Stepping forward, I wrap my forelegs around her withers and pull her into a hug, just in time for the first of my tears to streak from my eyes. “You can, and you will.” She slowly reaches up and returns my hug, and I feel a patch wetness begin to spread on my shoulder, but she stoically refuses to make any noise. I slowly spread my wings and wrap them around her as well. “Shh… It’s okay, Applejack.” She lets out a few restrained sniffles and murmurs barely coherent apologies.
A few minutes pass before she can compose herself, and when she starts to pull away, I give her one last quick squeeze before letting go. She takes a step back and wipes a foreleg across her eyes. “Dagnabit, sugarcube, how is it that yer the one losin’ her, but Ah’m the one bawlin’ like a foal?” She pulls her hat off and uses it to fan herself for a bit, then puts it back in its proper place. “Again, ‘Shy, Ah’m mighty sor—”
“Please, don’t apologize again, Applejack.” I smile and shake my head. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
“But Dash…” She starts to counter, but just lets the rest out in a frustrated huff. After a few seconds of staring at the ground, she looks back up at me, uncertainty written on her features. “So, how… um, how’re we gonna let her know?”
I knew it was coming. The question still hurts, though not as much as I’d expected it to. I briefly consider just letting her take care of it, sending her back to my place to see if you’re still there. I know it’s cowardly, but I don’t want to be the one to tell you. A part of me still thinks that if I don’t see you, it won’t end… we won’t end. Then again, did we ever really begin? Steeling myself, I nod. “I’ll do it. She stayed at my house last night… she might still be there.”
“Alright then.” She takes a step back as I flap my wings a few times. With a final nod, I gallop down the road a ways and take to the air, angling toward the Everfree Forest on the horizon. I try and think of what I’ll say to you as I fly, but I can’t come up with anything. It would be so much easier if you would just do it. You’ve never been shy about giving ponies bad news or being honest with them on a touchy subject… maybe even a little too honest at times.
I land at my front door and grab the handle, but I hesitate. I still have no idea what I’m going to say, but it’s too late to turn back now. Gently pushing the door open, I peek inside. My ears strain for any indication that you’re still here, but the only sounds are those of my animals. I trot in and close the door behind me, dumping my saddlebag next to it. I’m about to call out for you when I see something on the table. When I get closer, I realize it’s a piece of paper, a note you left for me.
’Shy
Out for a while. Back later.
-RD
I grab the note and flip it over, as if hoping that there’s some kind of confession on the back. It’s just blank. I drop the note and it flutters back down to the table. I know that you’ve gone to see her, and even though I’ve decided to let you go, it still hurts. I trudge back over to the door, opening up the saddlebag and pulling out the supplies I got from town. Maybe taking care of my animals will help keep my mind off of you and her. I doubt it, but I’ll try anyway.
The full moon shines down on the hilltop where I’m sitting. I don’t honestly know how long I’ve been out here. After you didn’t show up for dinner, I came up here to watch the sunset. I had planned on going home once night fell, but I just can’t see the point. As more and more stars wink into existence, I briefly consider just spending the night out here. Yesterday’s chill is gone and the grass beneath me is soft and cool. I wonder how long it would take before you come looking for me.
A shadow flits across the moon, disappearing back into the darkness of the sky before I can see it. A minute later I hear something land in the grass a little ways down the hill. I look down and see a moonlit silhouette walking toward me. The moon is behind you, hiding your face in darkness, but I know it’s you.
“H-hey, ‘Shy.” Your voice sounds a little scratchier than usual, like you were yelling earlier. You stand there silently for a little while, pawing at the ground nervously like you’re waiting for my permission to stay. You take a tentative step forward, watching for my reaction.
“Hi.” My throat tightens and my voice comes out like a whisper. It’s done that before, but never with you. I look off to the side as you make your way up the hill and sit down next to me. I can hear you take a few breaths like you’re about to say something, but each time you just let it out in a sigh.
“What’s up?” You eventually break the silence between us, but you’re still not saying what you should be. What you should have told me weeks ago. I want to be angry with you. I want to scream and cry and pound away at your chest with my hooves, but I can’t. When I look inward, searching for that anger I felt when I was talking to Applejack, I only find emptiness.
Rarity once told me that being abandoned by the pony you love was worse than dying. Back then I thought she was being dramatic, but now? Now I know she was right. It feels like I have nothing left now that you’ve taken your love for me and given it to Applejack. I feel bad, horrible even, but worse than that, I feel… empty. You fidget and paw at the ground, like you want to say something but just can’t find the words. “You don’t have to say it.” I manage to force out the words at a decent volume this time. “Applejack already told me.”
I can see you stiffen next to me, then slump down. “Yeah, she… said that she ran into you.” You lapse into silence for a few moments, but I can see your mouth working in the moonlight. Eventually, you find your voice again. “I just… I can’t believe that AJ told you. I told her to let me do it.”
Is that really all you can come up with? After everything you’ve done, you’re blaming Applejack for telling me something you should have told me a week ago? The desire to be angry with you flares up again, but I still can’t find any emotion under it. I can see you watching me out of the corner of my eye, waiting for a reaction. I can’t bring myself to say anything. But even now, something in me wants to try and make you feel better. I can tell that you’re beating yourself up over this just from your body language, and even after hurting me the way you have, it kills me to see it. I can’t even look at you, so I stare up at the moon and try to keep my composure.
“No, that’s not fair. It wasn’t her fault… it was mine.” Your posture sags a little more and your voice drips with self-loathing. You close your eyes, and I think I can see a tear roll down your cheek, but it’s gone before I can be sure. “You’ve been miserable for weeks, and I couldn’t just let you go. I—” Your voice cracks and you fall silent, but I know that you’re still berating yourself. When you finally speak again, your voice is barely more than a whisper. “I know it would have hurt you, but it would have been better than… this. You could have moved on, found somepony else… been happy.”
I open my mouth to protest, to say that I was happy at first, but I can’t. Was that initial elation worth this? Was it worth watching you beat yourself up so much and feeling this emptiness in my chest? Before I can say anything, you keep going.
“And after all of this, after everything I put you through… all I can say is ‘I’m sorry.’ It’s just…” You trail off again, then let out a frustrated snort, looking at me apologetically. “I wanted to tell you, I really did, but something always got in the way. I was going to tell you as soon as things started changing between us… but you were still so happy. I figured it would be fine to just wait for a day or two.” You look away again, staring at the grass between your hooves. “Then there was the whole thing with Thunderlane getting hurt, and I had to pick up slack at work. Every time I wanted to tell you… there was just something that made it easier to push it off to another day.” You sigh and slump all the way down, with your head resting on your hooves and your wings unfurling listlessly at your sides. I want to say something, to comfort you. I know that if I try to speak, I’ll break down and cry, so I just keep studying the night sky.
“I’m an idiot.” You mutter to yourself before sitting up and turning your attention to me again. “Look, ‘Shy, you have to know I didn’t want this. I…” You swallow, and the dam breaks. Everything comes pouring out. “I love you, I always have. But, it’s not… we… Argh!” You press a hoof to your temple. “This is why I waited so long. I don’t know how to do this!” You grab one of my hooves and hold it between yours. I know that you’re giving me that look. The one that shows that you care. I know that if I meet your gaze right now, I’m going to fold and beg you to come back to me. But I shouldn’t. It’s too late now that I know how you feel about her.
“I never wanted something like this to happen, I swear!” You pull my hoof closer to your chest, but I keep my gaze fixed firmly skyward. “I thought you and I could be… a-and we were, at first! But, it’s not the same anymore. It hasn’t been for a while, but I just didn’t want to admit anything had changed. I don’t…” You trail off again for a moment, but then you pull again, and my hoof is against your chest. I can feel your heartbeat against it.
“I’m sorry! We… we can try again. We’ll make it work! I’ll just tell AJ that I was nervous or scared or something. Just… please, say something. Talk to me!” You finally let my hoof fall and your voice is on the edge of breaking. “I… I can’t lose you.” I finally tear my eyes away from the sky and look at you. You’re staring at the grass in front of you, but you look up when I turn to you. There’s fear and sorrow in your beautiful eyes, but there’s a spark of something else, too.
Hope.
An ember of hope smolders in your gaze, and it pleads with me. It says that no matter the odds or obstacles, we could do it, we could pull through simply because we want to badly enough. I think that’s the cruelest thing about all of this. Even now, after everything that’s happened, I can tell that you sincerely believe we can still make it work. My heart wants to believe it with you, but my head tells me otherwise.
“I’m sorry, Rainbow.” I look away again. I can’t bear to watch what this is going to do to you. “But, I need to be alone right now.” Out of the corner of my eye, I see you slump down, defeated. I can almost see that spark of hope gutter out and die. Slowly, you stand up and start to walk down the hill, but you pause halfway and look back over your shoulder.
“I… I’ll see you later, right?” There’s fear in your voice, and I’m thankful that I can’t see your face clearly anymore. I can only nod in response. I don’t trust myself to speak again. You wait for a few more seconds before resuming your walk back down the hill, and soon your form is swallowed up by the darkness of the night. I wait long enough to make sure that you’re gone, and then let out the ball of hurt that has been growing in my heart since I talked to Applejack. My tears flow freely this time, matting the fur under my cheeks and soaking the grass beneath me.
I don’t know how long I’ve been here, but the moon has travelled high into the sky by the time the last of my tears dry up. I should go home, but I’m too exhausted to move. Up here, everything seems distant, like nothing can touch me if I just stay away. I feel safe up here, with just the moon to keep me company.
It’s kind of funny, really. I used to be terrified of the dark. When I was younger, I always crawled in between my parents, afraid to go to sleep alone because the boogiemare or other things the kids used to tease me with would get me. But after I came to Ponyville… no, when I started to take care of nocturnal animals I kind of had to get over it. And now it feels as safe as my cottage does, with the possible exception of that one little spot under my bed, which is really very nice.
“‘Tis a fine night for stargazing, is it not?” A new voice startles me out of my reverie, and I quickly glance around, looking for its source. Princess Luna steps out of the shadows and into my little circle of moonlight. “Good evening. Might we… I join you?”
“P-princess Luna!” I quickly try to rise, but my hoof slips on the dew-slicked grass and I fall the few inches back to the ground.
“Hello, dear Fluttershy.” She smiles and motions for me not to get up, then simply stands where she is, looking at me expectantly. It takes me a few moments to realize that she’s actually waiting for permission to join me.
“Oh, um, p-please, have a seat.” I gesture to the a spot next to me. Her smile grows and she finishes the walk up the hill, settling in next to me. I wait for her to say something, but she just looks to the sky, her eyes moving between different constellations of stars. I try to go back to studying the night sky, but my eyes are drawn to her. Eventually, I muster the nerve to speak. “Um, princess?”
She brings her gaze back down to me, still smiling softly. “Please, just ‘Luna’ on this occasion.” She sighed sadly, shaking her head. “I thought we had settled this after last Nightmare Night. Did we not while the eve away together, or was that merely a fond dream of mine? Friends do not need titles.” Uncertainty flits across her features. “We… are friends, are we not?”
“Oh, I… I suppose. Um, I’m sorry, um… Luna.” I paw at the ground nervously. “But, um, why are you here, i-if you don’t mind me asking, that is?” I try to maintain eye contact, but when she looks at me, I can’t help but look away.
“Of course not, dear Fluttershy.” She smiles at me again, but it flickers and fades. “I must… apologize.”
“Apologize?” I cock my head to the side in confusion, causing my mane to fall over my face. I brush it back behind my ear with a hoof. “For what?”
“Your dreams.” She closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. “They have been… most troubling as of late.” She opens her eyes and looks to me apologetically. “I had tried not to visit or interfere with them, but still I felt your hurt and sadness.” She looks away, glancing back at me as she speaks. “But last night, I… could not bear it anymore, and I… guided your dream.” She pauses, her wings fidgeting slightly. “I am sorry, but I was worried about my… friend, about you.”
“Oh…” I drop my gaze to stare at the grass, a knot forming in my stomach. Even the princess knew something was wrong. “I’m… I’m sorry for worrying you, pr— Luna.”
“Do not be.” She smiles again, but it’s pulled up on one side, almost like one of your smirks. “That is one of the aspects of being friends, is it not? If you wish to talk about it, I am more than willing to listen.”
Images from the past few weeks flash through my mind, and even though I thought I had cried all that I could, I feel tears rising again. I shake my head, not trusting myself to speak. She nods in return. “Very well. If you change your mind, I’ll be here.” With that, she goes back to looking at the sky. I try to do the same, but my gaze keeps getting pulled back to her. I keep waiting for her to glance back at me or to bring up what’s wrong again, but she doesn’t. She’s perfectly content to just stargaze, like she’s got all the time in the world. I guess she does.
Maybe I should tell her what happened, it can’t be worse than this, can it? Sitting on a hilltop, alone. Avoiding the ponies who could help me through it. Would she even care? She came down because she was worried about me, but will she still be worried when she finds out I’m just some silly lovestruck filly? I take a breath and open my mouth to tell her, but the words get stuck in my throat. “It…” I manage to get a word out on the second try, but that’s all.
She looks down at me again, content to wait patiently until I speak. When I lapse back into silence, she looks off in the direction of Ponyville. “How are your friends doing, dear Fluttershy? It was Rainbow Dash that was trying out for the Wonderbolts, correct?”
“She’s, um, doing fine.” The ache in my chest returns at the mention of you, but it’s not as bad as it was before. “Um, without me, that is.”
She looks at me, confused. “I’m sorry, but I do not understand. What do you mean ‘without you’?” Even though I can tell she’s curious, she still doesn’t press, waiting for me to speak in my own time.
“She… I… We…” I try to maintain my composure, but I can feel my emotions welling up again. “I sort of… asked her out a few weeks ago. She said ‘yes,’ but…” Images of our first date race through my head, and the dam I’ve been using to hold back my emotions crumbles. Everything comes pouring out. I tell her about us, how you changed and found somepony else. How I’m not… good enough for you. My tears flow again while I speak, slowly at first, but faster and more freely the longer I talk. I tell her that you feathermarked Applejack, and for a moment I worry that I’ll have to explain what that means, but her immediate wince tells me that she understands.
After recounting that again, I can’t keep talking. I simply cry again. Luna looks on helplessly, and I curse my own weakness. I hate myself for breaking down and crying yet again, for not being able to just let go and get over you, for burdening other ponies with my insignificant problems. While I continue to cry, she slowly extends a wing, tentatively laying it across my withers. I lean into the contact and she scoots closer, pulling me a little tighter against her side. When I finally calm down, I tell her about today, about running into Applejack, and about your apology.
“I am truly sorry to hear that, Fluttershy.” She starts to lift her wing now that I’ve calmed down, but I lean against her and she keeps it in place. “Being spurned by a pony that you love… I would not wish that on anyone.” She shakes her head, letting out a long sigh. She looks up at the moon, gauging its progress across the sky. “It is getting late, or rather, early.” She glances down at me, a soft smile on her face. “Would you like to return home?”
“Um…” I stare at the grass, tapping a hoof against the ground. “I… I’d rather stay here for a little while longer, if that’s alright with you.”
“Of course, dear Fluttershy.” Her smile grows and she goes back to looking at the stars, occasionally pointing out a constellation and explaining the legend behind it. I only half-listen, content to simply enjoy her company. As she talks, I can’t help but notices that she’s like you in some ways. You’re both confident, though I don’t think that anypony could be as confident as you. Hers is different than yours. It’s quiet, but unquestionable. She doesn’t need to show off and tell others that she’s awesome or cool or anything… she just is. You both get very intense when you’re excited, which can be a little bit scary.
She’s definitely different than you, too. She’s more… mature? Sorry. I know you probably won’t take offense to that, but it still feels wrong to criticize you for it. She’s more patient than you. Not just mentally, in all ways. She’s never in a rush to get somewhere or do something. She doesn’t have that fiery passion that you go after your goals with, but I suppose she doesn’t need it.
“And that one—” She points to a grouping of stars that are separated into two clusters. “—is known as… ‘The Lovers.’ They lived long, long ago, so long that their names have since been lost to the pages of history. It is an interesting constellation because it can be looked at two ways. They can be seen either coming together… or drifting apart.” I cringe a bit, and she holds me a little tighter with her wing. “For love may hurt, but it is not forever, and everypony finds someone to make them happy again.”
“I… I don’t think I can.” I stare at the ground, picking at a few errant blades of grass with my hoof. "I was only able to ask her out because she... came to me when we were foals. We were friends for so long that I finally got comfortable enough to say something. Not that it mattered." My ears fold back, and I feel her hold me a little tighter. “I’m too shy to meet somepony else on my own. But, um, th-thank you for trying to make me feel better.”
“What if I told you that there is another who would like to make you happy?” Before I can answer, she changes topics. “There is a meteor shower next week. Would you like to join me in Canterlot to view it?” She shifts a little bit, and still isn’t looking at me. “There will be an excellent view of the shower from the castle observatory, or from the balcony of my tower.” She glances off to the side for a moment, then finally turns back to me, a small hopeful smile on her face.
“Of course.” I smile back, and it causes her smile to grow. “I’m sure that the girls would like that, especially Twilight.” Her smile fades, and she blinks several times in rapid succession.
“No. I was hoping that you might join me.” She keeps her eyes locked on mine, but one of her ears flicks back. “Only you.”
“Oh.” I try to hold her gaze, but I can’t. I stare down at my hooves, trying to find my voice. “I… I’m not sure about that.” I dare a peek back up at her. She’s still smiling, but it isn’t the same. “I… I’ll think about it, um, i-if that’s alright with you.” She nods and goes back to watching the stars.
“Of course.”
“Oh my.” I’m standing on the edge of Luna’s balcony, my eyes glued to the sky. The meteors carve blazing trails across the sky, but it’s more than that. Sheets of blue and green dance across the horizon, weaving in and out of each other. She called it an ‘aurora’ when it first started. I hear her chuckle again and I turn around. She’s laying across a cushion and smiling at me.
“This is all so… beautiful.” I walk back over to my empty cushion, settling down next to her. I smile back at her, but my eyes are drawn back to the sky. An exceptionally large meteor shoots across the heavens, leaving a glittering ribbon of fire in its wake, and I let out a small gasp at the sight. She extends a wing and drapes it across my back, and I nestle against her.
“I’m glad you are enjoying yourself, Fluttershy.” The edge of her smile ticks up, almost into a smirk, and she looks down, meeting my gaze. After several seconds of silence, she blinks and looks away, one of her ears flicking back. I’m about to ask her if everything is okay, but another wave of meteors race by and I look back to the sky.
“I’ve never seen anything like this.” It’s an obvious statement, and it feels woefully insufficient, but it’s all I can say.
“Yes, well…” She swallows and looks back to the sky as well. “Auroras do not normally occur this far south. They are more common up north, near the Crystal Empire. However, I… received some aid from my sister in creating one for tonight.” I lean against her, feeling serene for the first time in weeks. Something tickles in the back of my mind, and eventually I have to voice it.
“Um, if they don’t normally happen around here… why did you want one tonight? That is, um, i-if you don’t mind me asking.” I feel her wing tense for an instant and immediately regret saying anything. “But, um, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I’m… sorry I asked.” I shrink down, trying to will her wing to just swallow me up.
“Do not apologize, Fluttershy. It was… a fair question.” She smiles down at me again. It looks like her smile wavers for a moment, but it’s probably just a trick of the light. Her ear flicks back for an instant before she responds. “I wanted an aurora tonight because it is a… special night.”
I know that I should leave it alone, but her response raises a burning question in my mind. “But… why is tonight special?” She’s quiet for a time after that, and I can feel her wing tense and relax along my back. I’m about to apologize for questioning her when she finally speaks.
“Fluttershy, We… I must pose to you a question.” I look up at her, but she doesn’t meet my gaze for once. She’s still watching the meteor shower. I wait for her to continue, but after nearly a minute, she still hasn’t spoken again.
“Y-yes, Luna?” Her hear flicks back, disappearing into her flowing mane for an instant before returning.
“We have been friends for some time now, yes?” She glances at me, and I nod, murmuring an assent. Her mouth pulls up into a smile, but it disappears after a few seconds. “Have you ever… Would you consider…” She pauses and her ear twitches again. Is she nervous? I don’t think I’ve ever seen either of the princesses nervous before. “I’m sorry, but I haven’t asked this in over… heavens, fifteen hundred years.” She smiles down at me again, and this time I clearly see it waver. Her ear flicks back yet again. “Would… Would you consent to a princess’ courtship?”
It takes a second for her meaning to register. When it does, all I can do is let out a squeak and try to hide behind my mane.
“Not right now, of course.” She quickly backtracks, and the wing across my back flutters. “I understand that you will need… time, but that is something that I have an abundance of.” Her smile returns, but it’s different, a little more real. “I have favored you for some time now, and… I know that my timing is poor, but…” Her ear flicks back, betraying the nervousness below her calm exterior. “Please, consider it?”
I peek out from behind my mane and meet her gaze with one eye. Her smile ticks up a bit, then she goes back to watching the meteor shower. I know I should be scared, and I am, but… it’s not as bad as it should be. Even though she’s Princess Luna, I can tell that she’s really giving me a choice. If I wanted to say ‘no,’ she would accept it.
“I… eep!” She turns back to me, and I feel a brief surge of panic. She smirks and gives me a reassuring squeeze with her wing. “I-I’ll, um, th-think about it, if that’s okay with you.” I watch her, waiting for rejection or sorrow to cross her features, but she just keeps smiling.
“That is perfectly fine, dear Fluttershy.” She leans down, giving me a nuzzle that makes me feel safe again. I feel the urge to yawn well up, but I force it back down. We go back to watching the meteor shower, but I keep glancing at her, dozens of thoughts racing through my head. Eventually, the meteor shower ends, and the aurora fades a few minutes later. In the sudden darkness, it feels easier to just let my eyes drift closed. Natural. I startle when her wing starts to lift from my back. “Thank you for joining me tonight, Fluttershy. I hope that you enjoyed the meteor shower.”
“Oh, I did. It was—” My words are cut off by a yawn, now that the shower is over, a wave of exhaustion washes over me. “It was very…” A gust of wind blows, and I nestle a little closer into Luna’s warmth. “Nice.” It’s difficult to keep my eyes open, but I force myself to keep going. “Thank you for inviting me to watch it with you.”
“The pleasure was mine, I assure you.” She gives me another light nuzzle, and I let out an appreciative murmur. I think she says something else, but the words sound garbled to me. Fuzzy. I try to lift my head, but it’s suddenly a herculean endeavor and I can’t do it. I feel something tingly against my legs and stomach, and suddenly I’m floating upward, only to settle on top of something soft a moment later. A second tingling sensation flickers across my nose, and it smells like a crisp winter night. After prying an eye open, I see her mane ebbing and flowing, occasionally swelling out and dancing along the tip of my nose.
She starts walking, and my eye falls shut again under the rhythmic swaying of her steps. After a few moments, she stops and leans to the side. I slide off of her back and down along her wing, her feathers tickling me as they pass. I land on something big and cushiony, and I sink in a little ways. It smells like her. I wiggle around a bit to get comfortable, then let out a contented sigh. I hear a giggle, and once again I pry an eye open. She’s standing at the edge of her bed, smiling down at me.
“Good night, dear Fluttershy. Sleep well.” She leans down and kisses me on the forehead, then turns and walks across the room. She lights a candle and sits down at a desk, floating a scroll up to read. Sleep rises up to claim me, and my eye drifts closed a final time. Just before I surrender to sleep, I hear a quill scratching across parchment, and I can’t help but smile. I don’t know why, but I don’t think I’ll be having trouble with my dreams tonight.
