I'll Give You A Nickel To Tickle My Pickle
Applebloom awoke to the sound of a chicken screaming “Cock-a-doodle-do!” She turned her head lazily and saw, on her clock, that it was seven thirty Monday morning.
“Gosh darnit.” she yawned. “Ah don’t wanna go to school!”
Reluctantly, she got up out of bed and began to get ready for her school day.
“Applebloom!” she heard Applejack shout from downstairs. “Get the fuck down here, it’s school time you piece of shit!”
“Comin right down!” Applebloom yelled back. She hurried up, hoping her sister wouldn’t beat her for being late.
When she finally got ready and went downstairs she saw Applejack glaring angrily at her. Several empty bottles whiskey lie scattered on the floor in front of her, no doubt she had already been drinking.
Applebloom hung her head low and tried to walk around Applejack and out the door, but with no success. Her drunk sister brought her hoof down upon her head and started to beat her. “What’d ah tell ye about bein’ late!” Applejack roared.
Applebloom walked to school sniffling. She had bruises and welts all over her, but this wasn’t anything abnormal. When Applejack was drunk it was just expected.
“Hiya Applebloom!” said a voice from behind her. Appebloom turned around to see her friend, one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Scootaloo, racing down the dirt path on her scooter.
Applebloom was silent.
The orange pegasus filly studied Applebloom and then laughed. “Ha! Your sister beat you again didn’t she?”
Applebloom nodded quietly.
“You’re a little bitch Applebloom. Grow a pair.”
“Where’s Sweetie Belle?” Applebloom asked trying to change the subject.
“Oh, I think she said she wasn’t going to school today. Something about older sister having a mental breakdown.”
“Figures.” Applebloom said shaking her head. “Ponies round here are always have them mental breakdowns.”
“Say Applebloom why do you talk like that?” Scootaloo asked.
“Like what?”
“Like a goddamn redneck.” Scootaloo explained. “We don take kindly to unicorns round here.” she imitated in Applebloom’s country accent.
“Ah don know.” Applebloom admitted. “Welp, we gotta hurry, school’s in ten minutes.”
“And that concludes the lecture on the anal seepage.” Cheerilee said happily. She looked down at her notes. “Next on the syllabus is the proper place of the mare in-” the phone rang interrupting her. “Um, hang on a second class.”
Cheerilee walked over to the phone and answered it. “Yes? Oh it's you my Big Macy-poo! No I didn’t get it... I’m sorry, but lube’s expensive nowadays! I don’t know it hasn’t arrived yet... Yeah... Well if it doesn’t then tonight? Oh yeah baby I can fit it all in... Okay see you then baby!” Cheerilee hung up the phone.
One of the students, Twist, raised her hoof.
“Yes Twist?” Cheerilee said pointing at the filly.
“My mommy says that two ponies should be married before they have... before they do naughty stuff.”
Cheerilee raised an eyebrow. “Well that’s why your mommy’s retarded Twist. She sent you to school to not be retarded like her so you should listen to me.”
“Um miss Cheerilee.” Diamond Tiara spoke up. “Isn’t that term offensive?”
“Well only if you’re retarded.” Cheerilee explained. “You aren’t retarded are you?”
Diamond Tiara shook her head no.
“Well good then! Now let’s begin our next lecture.” Suddenly Cheerilee froze as if she had just been shot.
“What’s wrong teacher?” asked Scootaloo.
A dripping sound was heard and a tiny pool of blood started to form on the floor underneath Cheerilee.
“Oh my god!” she cried. “Not here!”
The whole class began to laugh hysterically and chant, “Teacher’s got her period! Teacher’s got her period!”
“Um.” Cheerilee stuttered her face turning red with embarrassment. “Damn this ruins all my plans tonight. Class dismissed!”
Everypony cheered and raced out of the classroom.
“That was hilarious! Scootaloo laughed. “Did you see her face Applebloom?”
“Yeah!” Applebloom giggled. “Now what do you want to do?”
“How about we go to Sugarcube Corner!” Scootaloo suggested excitedly.
“Yeah!”
The two friends walked through the streets of Ponyville to their favorite sweets shop. They were hoping that Pinkie Pie was working the register and they could get a discount.
“Hey Applebloom.” Scootaloo said.
“Yeah?”
“I know a shortcut follow me!” Scootaloo darted toward an alleyway. “Catch me if you can!” she hollered back.
“Yee-haw!” Applebloom cheered and chased after her friend. She ran into the dark alleyway. Scootaloo turned a corner up ahead of her, but when Applebloom reached the same corner and turned the direction that Scootaloo had she was nowhere to be seen.
“That’s odd.” Applebloom said to herself. She continued running through the twists and turns of the alleyway, but she couldn’t find Scootaloo. “Scootaloo! Scoot-scootaloo!” Applebloom called. “Ah wonder where she is.”
“Psst.” said a low voice toward her left. “Psst. Hey kid.”
Applebloom stopped running and turned toward the voice to see a strange looking old pegasus stallion sitting in a garbage can. His mane was grayish-white with bits of trash sticking to it and his coat was a dark brown color although some spots of his fur were missing. He had one green eye and one crazy looking red eye. “Yeah?” Applebloom replied.
“Hey kid, I’ll give you a nickel to tickle my pickle.” the wrinkly old pegasus said. He smiled revealing a few missing teeth. The teeth that were in his mouth were yellow and brown.
A nickel? Applebloom thought. That’s five whole bits! “All I have to do is tickle a pickle?”
The old stallion heaved out a raspy laugh. “Yeah that’s right kid! You just gotta tickle a pickle!”
“Okay!” Applebloom smiled.
“You have to close your eyes first.”
“Is this gonna be a trick?” Applebloom asked. “Ya aren’t gonna make me tickle somthin’ smelly are ya?”
“Kid I’m sitting in a garbage can. My pickle is pretty smelly.”
Ewww. Applebloom thought. She liked pickles but did she really want to tickle one that had been in the garbage? Well it is five whole bits!
Just then sirens were heard began to blare in the distance.
“Oh no!” screamed the stallion. “They’re onto me!”
“What?” Applebloom asked confused.
“Freeze right there Peepee Touch!” a voice shouted from a megaphone up above.
Applebloom looked up to see the pegasus police force in the air above them.
“No!” screamed the old stallion. “How’d you know I was here?”
“We’ve been hunting you for a long time, Peepee Touch! It’s over! Put your hooves up where we can see them!”
“I’ll never let you take me alive!” Peepee Touch roared. He pulled a submachine gun out of the garbage can and sent a hailstorm of bullets at the cops. Blood rained from the sky as they were massacred mercilessly.
“Sweet Celestia!” Applebloom cried in horror watching the slaughter above her. The officers fell from the sky screaming and convulsing in pain. They crashed on the sides of the buildings and slammed into the ground of the dark alleyway. After only a few moments every single policepony was dead, their bodies littering they ally which was now painted in blood and gore.
“Now.” said Peepee Touch panting and putting down the gun. “How about that little tickle.”
“Well... Okay.” said Applebloom nervously.
The creepy old sadist smiled and stepped out of the garbage can. “Now close your eyes.” he instructed.
Applebloom closed her eyes tightly shut.
“Okay now reach out and tickle this.”
Applebloom reached out her hoof and tickled a bumpy little object in front of here.
“Okay open your eyes.”
Applebloom opened her eyes to see Peepee Touch holding a normal dill pickle in front of Applebloom.
“That’s it?” Applebloom asked. “Can I have my five bits?”
“You bet ya kid!” Peepee Touch reached in the garbage can and tossed five bits at Applebloom. “See ya later kid!”
“Thanks mister!” Applebloom smiled. She walked out of the alleyway and toward Sugarcube Corner.
