Chapters Darkness. Only darkness.
At first, that was all she could see. Her head was spinning like a top, but it felt like she was lying down. She could hear distant murmurings that might have been voices, though it sounded like she was underwater.
What the hell happened?
She could remember nothing of what had caused her to be in this state. Slowly, she opened her eyes. She could hear the distant, wavering voices again. They sounded as though they were coming from the other end of a long corridor.
'She's awake, doctor.'
'Good, good. Fetch me that flashlight.'
Doctor? So...I'm in hospital?
A sudden, blinding light stabbed into her blurry eyes. She cringed and closed them again, letting out a gentle groan. She tried to move a hoof to cover her eyes, but they felt like lead. She felt tired. Really tired.
'Well, she's responsive.' The voices again. They seemed to be discussing her as though she were not in the room.
Hey! I'm here, you know.
The light disappeared, and she slowly risked opening her eyes again. Her vision was still blurry, objects above her appearing out of focus. She blinked a few times. The voice, the doctor's voice, returned.
'Miss Dash? Miss Dash, can you hear me?' She tried to nod, but her head, like her hooves, felt like it was welded to what she assumed was the bed she was lying in. Instead, she groaned again.
'Miss Dash, you're in the hospital. You were in an accident,' the doctor said. 'Don't try to move, you were badly hurt.' Her vision began to fade back into focus, as if someone had wiped away a layer of condensation on a window. The doctor swayed into view. Her vision may have cleared, but it was still swimming. She felt like she was drunk on Applejack's best cider and that she hadn't slept for three days.
Applejack.
She groaned again, louder, her eyes going wide as the memories came flooding back like a tidal wave. The accident. Now she remembered.
Applejack had been with her. They were meant to be going out for dinner; a romantic dinner, just the two of them, at their favourite little restaurant. Though AJ was not the biggest fan of flying, Rainbow Dash had decided to take her there by air, just to show off a little to her marefriend. She had picked her up from Sweet Apple Acres, but she had not gone very high; Applejack would not have approved of leaving the earth so far behind. With AJ on her back she had flown over the rooftops of Ponyville, giving her marefriend a Pegasus-eye view of the town she called home.
Despite herself, Applejack had been enjoying it. She had even agreed to let Rainbow Dash do a loop. With her hooves around Rainbow's waist, she had clung on for dear life as the cyan Pegasus had spun through the sky, sending her whole world upside down before quickly righting itself again.
But that was where everything had gone wrong. She had been distracted by Applejack, she was flying too close to the ground when she started the loop, and when she completed the maneuver she was below rooftop height.
Or rather, she was below treetop height. The top of the library loomed into view ahead of her. It was almost too late to react, but she just had enough time to slam her body over to the left and up, missing the trunk of the hollowed-out tree by inches. Instead, she slammed into one of the branches side-on, the breath knocked out of her by the impact, her wing spasming in pain as it struck the branch hard. She flipped over the branch as if she were a gymnast at the Equestria Games, tumbling toward the ground. Searing pain shot through her wing as she fought desperately to keep in the air. She felt Applejack sliding off her back- there was nothing she could do. Her crippled right wing refused to work, and they spiraled out of control. She felt her marefriend's grip loosen, then, still a considerable distance above the ground, she let go completely, unable to hold on any longer. She heard Applejack cry out as she fell. She struggled furiously against her injured wing to try and right herself, to get to Applejack. But she could not fly- her wing just would not move. She heard Applejack scream again, then she hit the ground and heard nothing more.
Applejack...
She was starting to panic. The memories of the accident were drowning her, fear shooting through her body.
Applejack...is she ok?
She was shivering. The world seemed to be fading out again. She could hear the voices, distant this time.
'She's hyperventilating.'
'She's panicking. Miss Dash, can you hear me? You're alright, just try and stay calm.'
'She's tachycardic, doctor.'
'Try to stay calm, you're alright. It's ok. Try and take regular, steady breaths.'
She closed her eyes and tried not to think about the accident. She did as the doctor said, trying to regulate her breathing. The fear that had been clamping down on her mind slowly receded to its edges as her breathing slowed.
Applejack...
The doctor was standing over her again.
'Miss Dash, we need you to take it easy. Just relax, you were hurt but you're alright, you're going to be fine.' She tried to nod again, this time managing to moved her head just a little.
'I know you probably feel strange. It's just the after effects of the anesthetic, we had to perform a small operation on you, but it went well, and everything is fine now.' She could see Nurse Redheart standing nearby as the doctor examined her pupils again, successfully this time.
'Just try to relax, Miss Dash. Get some rest. I know you probably feel like you just want to sleep, and that's the best thing you can do at this stage.' He was right; she did feel like sleeping. Her brain, full of panic mere seconds ago, now felt like it had before; stuffy, heavy, like she had been up all night drinking. Maybe sleeping wasn't such a bad idea...
When she next awoke, the effects of the anesthetic had worn off. Her head was much clearer, but it also meant she could feel the pain. Her flank, the right side of her stomach, and her right foreleg ached and throbbed. Strangely, she found she could not feel her right wing at all. Nurse Redheart was in the room again. Rainbow opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. It felt like someone had stuffed it with cotton wool. Nurse Redheart was there immediately, propping her up on a pillow and gently placing a cup of cool water against her mouth. She drank greedily, like a pony dying of thirst in the desert.
'I'll go fetch the doctor,' she said soothingly. She left the room.
Applejack...
She returned with the doctor a minute later.
'Miss Dash,' he began, picking up her chart from the end of her bed. 'How are you feeling?'
She worked her mouth, opening and closing it a few times, before replying.
'It hurts.'
He nodded sagely, as if this was some profound statement that had come as a complete surprise to him. 'Yes, we can increase your morphine drip a little, see if it still hurts then.' He looked up from the chart. 'You suffered some significant internal bleeding. We had to go in and operate to stop it. Your right foreleg is broken, and your right wing suffered...significant nerve damage.' She closed her eyes for a moment.
'Miss Dash...do you remember what happened?' he asked softly.
Applejack...
'I do,' she replied. Applejack...is she here? Is she ok?' The doctor glanced at Nurse Redheart before replying.
'I think it is alright for you to receive visitors now. Some of your friends are here.' Rainbow felt a surge of relief flow through her.
Applejack...she's alright! She's come to visit.
She nodded, and Nurse Redheart left the room to fetch them. The doctor studied her chart again for a moment, then said,
'Just...try to stay calm, Miss Dash. The nurse will be right outside if you need anything.' He left.
She spent a minute recollecting the accident, what a dumb idea it had been to try and loop so close to the ground. Then the door to her room opened, and her friends began to file in.
Twilight, Pinkie, Fluttershy, and Rarity.
Where's Applejack?
They wore grim expressions on their faces. Fluttershy looked as though she had been crying. Rainbow felt a lump forming in her throat. Her brain started to tell her what her heart would never believe.
Where's Applejack?
Twilight, at the head of the group, walked over to her bed. Her face looked strained, and she swallowed several times as she approached.
Rainbow Dash could see it in her eyes.
'No,' she breathed. 'No, no...' She could see Twilight struggling to find the words, though she didn't need to say anything. She already knew.
'No...oh Celestia, please, no...'
'I...' Twilight began. 'I'm so sorry...'
'No!'
The pain in her side flared, but the sudden pain in her soul was much, much worse. She couldn't breathe. Her head was spinning. She was dimly aware of tears flowing from her eyes, and a distant voice that sounded much like hers screaming.
She was aware of Twilight holding her, of crying into her shoulder. But she could not feel it. She could feel only terror that gripped her heart.
Applejack...
Over the next few days, her friends visited regularly. She needed all the support she could get. They had to help her perform even the most basic tasks- she simply had no motivation. She was broken, shattered inside like a plate somepony had dropped on a stone floor.
Emptiness filled her completely, except for a small spot at the back of her mind, which was taken up by a voice, a voice that kept repeating the same phrase.
This was your fault.
Though she tried to ignore the voice, she knew it was right. It had been her fault- this wasn't an accident, this was simple carelessness. She had been flying low so as not to frighten Applejack- but then she had wanted to show off. She wanted to impress her, as if she was trying to woo her for the very first time.
'Come on, let me do a loop!'
She knew she was dangerously low for any kind of aerial maneuvers, but she thought she could handle it. She thought what she wanted Applejack to think- that she was so awesome, so cool, so daring, that she could do crazy stunts like that, like looping with another pony on her back at low level, and do it safely despite the inherent dangers.
This was your fault.
She hadn't even been drunk. It was pure showing off. All she had wanted to do was impress Applejack. That was all she had been trying to accomplish, not just by the loop, but by the whole thing. They could have just walked to the restaurant, like they usually did, but no. She wanted it to be memorable.
She was distracted, and the most dangerous thing for a flyer is to get distracted. Concentration is key to safety, as they had always drummed into her at flight school. A matter of life and death, they said. This time, they were right.
This was my fault.
This had happened because of her. Applejack was gone because of her. She looked for some comfort, some solace to be found somewhere, anywhere. She found none. There was no other answer, no one to shift the blame onto. She had messed up, and Applejack had paid the price.
Though she knew her friends would never dare say it to her face, she could tell that they felt the same. Twilight had seen them coming through her window in the library, and, visiting her in hospital on the third day, she told Rainbow that there was no way she could have avoided the library.
'That's not the point!' she spat. 'I shouldn't have been doing it in the first place! What was I thinking? I...I just wanted to impress her...' Twilight looked uncomfortable talking about it, and Rainbow Dash could tell that it was because she blamed her, almost as much as the Pegasus blamed herself.
'This was my fault,' she said quietly. Twilight looked startled.
'No, no...you mustn't blame yourself,' she said comfortingly, though her words sounded hollow to Rainbow Dash.
'Why not?' she asked. 'Who else is there to blame? I wanted to fly, I wanted to impress her, I was flying too bucking low.' Twilight grimaced.
'It was an accident, Rainbow. These things happen.'
'But it shouldn't have happened! I should have been careful! I messed up, and...now she's gone.' Though her eyes were now overflowing with tears, she continued to rant.
'It was all my fault. I can't blame anypony else because the blame is entirely on me!' Twilight shook her head slowly.
'No...'
'Well who? Who do you blame, Twilight?' she asked venomously. 'If you cast a spell badly, trying to impress somepony, and it killed her, who would you blame?' Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but didn't know what to say.
'I...it...it was an accident,' she repeated.
'No! It wasn't an accident, I killed her! It's all my fault!' Rainbow shouted.
'No...' Twilight said, putting her hoof on Rainbow's shoulder. She jerked it away, pain shooting through her broken foreleg as she did so.
'Get out,' she said. 'Just leave me alone.' Twilight hesitated.
'I said get out!' she screamed. Twilight left her alone without saying another word. She cried, yet again.
The morning of the funeral was overcast, but by the time the mourners arrived the sun was shining through gaps in the clouds. Rainbow Dash had been released from hospital to attend, her wheelchair being pushed by Twilight. The whole Apple family were there, having come from far and wide to bury their loved one. Though she did not count them, Rainbow Dash guessed there must have been nearly fifty of them, plus all her friends from town.
She could feel their eyes on her, their staring, blame-filled eyes. They knew what had happened, and they knew who was at fault. None of them said anything, of course, but she knew. Even Big McIntosh, normally a friendly face that she could turn to, was sullen and silent. He said nothing to her. Neither did Applebloom.
No doubt rumours had been circulating the town about the accident. Some of them probably thought she was drunk, and some of them probably thought she had done a whole string of crazy maneuvers. It didn't matter what the townsfolk had heard, the underlying message was the same- it was her fault Applejack was dead.
In a simple, touching ceremony, they buried Applejack. Each of her family members filed past the casket, and each one placed a photograph atop it, until its wooden top was covered with pictures of the mare who lay inside. Big Mac placed a wreath of apples atop it, and then they lowered her into the ground, saying goodbye for the last time. Rainbow Dash could do nothing but sob.
This is all my fault.
The mourners filed past her on the way out of the cemetery, many of them without even giving her a glance. For the first time in her life, she felt truly alone.
They discharged her from hospital completely two days later. Unable to fly up to her home in Cloudsdale, Twilight offered her a room in the library.
'I...I can't,' Rainbow said. 'Thanks, but I can't stay with you.' Twilight nodded, understanding why. The accident.
Fluttershy offered her a room, too, and this time she accepted. She told herself there were two reasons for this. First, Fluttershy was her oldest friend, from flight school. The second was that her cottage was on the very edge of town, away from the eyes and the gossip of the inhabitants.
Fluttershy had prepared her spare bedroom to be as comfortable as she could. She had visited Rainbow's house and bought some of her things and decorations down; she had even given her the warmest, most comfortable bedclothes from her own bed.
'Thanks, Flutters,' she said, as she saw for the first time the extent to which Fluttershy had gone to make her feel at home. 'I mean...this is so kind of you.'
'Oh, it's nothing, really,' the shy Pegasus replied. 'It's the least I could do for my best friend.' She couldn't help the tears forming in her eyes as she heard that.
Does she really still see me as her best friend? Even after I...killed Applejack?
She started to weep, her body suddenly wracked by sobs. Fluttershy rushed to her side.
'What's wrong?' she gasped in concern. Through the tears, Rainbow Dash replied.
'It's all my fault...' Fluttershy looked confused.
'What is?'
'This...the accident...it...it was m-my fault,' she sniffed. Fluttershy shook her head vigorously.
'No! No, it was an accident. That's all it was. You didn't crash on purpose, it was just an accident.'
'But I let myself get distracted!' Rainbow moaned. 'I wasn't thinking...I knew it was dangerous, I knew. but I did it anyway...because I...wanted to impress her...' her voice trailed off.
'You didn't need to do that to impress her,' Fluttershy said quietly. 'She already loved you with all her heart.' Rainbow Dash let out a strangled sob.
'Don't you think I know that? But hey, that's me...that's me in a nutshell, right? it's never enough, I just have to go that extra yard every time. But this time...it was too far.'
'But it was just an accident...' Fluttershy said again.
'D...do you blame me?' Rainbow asked.
'What? N-no, of course not!' she replied. Rainbow could see in her eyes that she was telling the truth. She sobbed again.
'Well everypony else does.' Fluttershy looked close to tears herself.
'No they don't. They know it was an accident...'
'Yeah, an accident I caused! I saw it, I saw the way they looked at me at the funeral. Her family, they blame me. I saw it in Twilight's eyes. She blames me, and she should. It was my fault.'
'No...'
'Yes!' Rainbow shouted. 'Just leave me alone! It's all my fault.' She looked up, seeing Fluttershy's face lined with worry.
'Please,' she said softly. 'Just go.. I just want to be alone.'
For days, she never left the cottage. Most of the time she simply lay on her bed, lost in her own despair. Twilight and the others came to visit occasionally, but she would just turn away from them and lie there in silence until they left.
Fluttershy was the only one she talked to. As her oldest friend, she understood her better than the others. After a week, she finally convinced Rainbow Dash to go into town, to have lunch with her at a cafe in the town square. She was reluctant, but Fluttershy told her that she needed to exercise after being in hospital and then a wheelchair for a fortnight. Grudgingly, she agreed.
The sun was glorious as they set out from the cottage; a symphony of bird carried on the gentle breeze, and all the wonderful smells of spring filled their nostrils.
Rainbow Dash was almost enjoying it, until they got to town. Then she could sense everypony staring. They had not forgotten. She felt as though she had been branded- as they sat at a table outside the cafe, she could see the other patrons whispering to each other. She could imagine what they were saying.
'There, now isn't this lovely?' Fluttershy said, gazing up at the clear sky.
'No...' Rainbow Dash replied. 'Everypony is looking at me.'
'Well, that's because they haven't seen you around for a while!' Fluttershy said, trying to sound cheerful.
'No it isn't. You know as well as I do why they're all staring at me,' Rainbow said, looking at the ground. 'They hate me.'
The look of dismay on Fluttershy's face was almost enough to make Rainbow burst into tears again.
'No! Nopony hates you...please don't say that...' she said quietly.
'They do, and they should. I'm the reason she's dead.'
'No, it was an accident...'
'An accident I caused!' Rainbow shouted, slamming the table with her uninjured hoof. Several ponies turned to look at her.
'Please don't shout...' Fluttershy said.
'I think we should go,' Rainbow looked at the floor again. 'I don't feel welcome here.'
'What would Applejack want?' Fluttershy asked quietly. Rainbow sighed at the mention of her lover's name.
'Would she want you to fall apart?' the yellow Pegasus continued. 'Or would she want you to carry on, to be happy again?' Rainbow Dash looked away.
'Maybe I should go and ask her...'
Fluttershy looked puzzled for a moment before she realised the implications of what her friend had just said. She gasped and grabbed Rainbow's hoof.
'No! Don't even think about doing that,' she said, tears appearing in her eyes. 'Please, promise me you won't!'
'Why not?' Rainbow replied, her voice barely above a whisper. 'The only pony I've ever loved is gone, it's all my fault, and everypony else blames me for it. What is there for me here?'
Fluttershy stared into her eyes.
'I'm here,' she said. 'Your friends are here, and we care about you. We don't want to see you like this, and we don't want to...lose you.' She squeaked at the thought.
'But you all blame me too!' Rainbow said. Fluttershy squeezed her hoof tighter and looked deep into her eyes again.
'No,' she said. 'I promise you, I don't blame you for what happened. I know it was an accident, and that's all. There's nothing you can do to change it now, so all you can do is move on. That's what Applejack would want, right?'
Rainbow Dash knew she was talking sense, but her heart refused to accept it.
It's all my fault!
'How do I move on from this?' she said softly. 'She's gone...who do I turn to? Who am I supposed to lean on? She was the only one I could ever open up to, the only one I could talk to about...emotional stuff like this. You know how hard I find talking about this kind of thing.' Fluttershy did not look away.
'I'm here,' she said. 'You can talk to me.'
So she did. Though Fluttershy had always been there and was actually a year older than Rainbow, she had always seen her as more of a little sister than as somepony she could turn to for emotional support. She poured her heart out to her friend, laying herself bare like she had for nopony but Applejack. She told her all about what had happened, about how she blamed herself, about what she felt now. Fluttershy just listened, and Rainbow was happy that she did. Though Fluttershy was the shyest pony in town, when her friends needed her help she would be the first pony there.
They talked every night, just talked about Rainbow's feelings. Fluttershy was trying her hardest to get her friend out of the dark place she had found herself in, and, to the surprise of both of them, it was working.
Until she had a visitor.
The knock at the door came one day while they were eating lunch in Fluttershy's kitchen. The timid Pegasus answered it. Rainbow Dash could hear her talking for a moment, then she reappeared in the kitchen doorway.
'You have a visitor!' she smiled. Rainbow put down her hay sandwich and trotted out into the living room.
Scootaloo was standing by the couch, idly playing with the end of her mane. She looked up as Rainbow entered the room.
'Scoots!' Rainbow said, smiling for the first time in a long while.
'Hey, Rainbow Dash,' she said, not returning the smile. 'I...wanted to come see you. I haven't seen you since the accident...'
'Yeah, I...haven't been out much,' Rainbow said, stating the obvious. The young filly shuffled her feet and looked up at Rainbow Dash.
'The ponies in town...I've heard them talking,' she said. 'They say...they say it's your fault...'
'Scootaloo! You should know better than to listen to gossip,' Fluttershy scolded her.
'No, no...she's right,' Rainbow interrupted. 'They're right. It was my fault.'
