A Sacreligious Hearth's Warming

Sukhbataar was typing away on his laptop while Rainbow was leaning against him out of boredom.  Her head was on the counch arm, her plot touching the side of his lap, and the ankles of her hooves were on his shoulder.  It was on a Saturday, nearly two weeks before Thanksgiving, and she hoped that she and Sukh would do something; make love, go for a walk, go to the cinema...anything but wait for him to finish this!  To pass the time, Rainbow wanted to talk, and before she did, she suddenly had an idea:

"Sukh...would you like to have some ponies over for Thanksgiving?"

Sukhbataar almost surprised her by acknowledging her question; he shifted somewhat in his seat: "Hm?" he inquired "What about Thanksgiving?"

"Some ponies over," Rainbow explained.  "Friends and family.  Can we have them over?"

Sukhbataar smiled warmly.  "That's a good idea, go for it."  Then he went back to typing.

"Okay, I have to warn you, they're a little...odd...I mean, they're funny, really funny, they make people laugh mostly at them, but they're funny!"

Sukh didn't shift a bit, but he still spoke.  "Okay, I can do with funny."

"I thought you could," Rainbow said in a tone the casual observer would have noted to be uncharacteristically silkily, before she kissed Sukhbataar on the nose.  Sukh acknowledged this with a reflexive spreading of his massive wings and kissing her on the lips.

Sukhbataar was a Przewalski's Horse, a large pony somewhat taller than the average pony with orange or golden hair on his body, which was of a fluffy texture.  He dwelt in a one-story, utilitarian house on the outskirts of Ponyville.  Or at least, it was utilitarian, until Rainbow moved in and plastered the walls with Wonderbolt posters.

Rainbow Dash had been dating Sukhbataar for nearly a year, brought together by Scootaloo. Sukh had recently been promoted from a Hippological consultant of Equestria's air force to the ER (Equine Resources) director of the Wonderbolts.  He didn't want the job that badly, but he did whatever it took to get a job to have more income to support Scootaloo, and have the funds he needed to supply her for a good University.  Rainbow Dash happened to be training for the Wonderbolts at the time, and one day, Sukh brought his daughter to work for "take-your-daughter-to-work" day, and when Rainbow, who know Scootaloo, saw Scoots at the Wonderbolts training facility, Scootaloo introduced Rainbow Dash to her father, Sukhbataar, and it was then they met.  Sukhbataar was no Wonderbolt, but he struck Rainbow as an accomplished individual and a decent stallion.  Rainbow had to admit that since Sukh was nearly a decade older than her, perhaps he played the role of the father she hardly knew.  Regardless, when she moved in, she found Sukh strong and durable, ideal for her hyperactivity.  He was quiet, and when he wasn't working, he was a rather good listener.

And so they made their plans and invited some ponies over by means of a clumsy and unpredictable mailmare who seemed to run exclusively on muffins as a fuel source.

As per always Sukhbataar stressed himself out too much when preparing for the guests.  Dashie thought it was funny to watch. "Oh my giddy Aunt!" he'd sometimes shout.  He did most of the cooking while Rainbow was watching sports on television, however, this didn't bother him: Quite the contrary, he found her swishing of her multi-colored tail almost arousing.  Besides, last time she cooked something, they had to call the fire department.

Eventually, the doorbell rang, and Scootaloo rushed to get it with happy skipping, hoping it was somebody cool.  However, after the door opened, the jumping stopped.

Scootaloo stood still, gazing stupidly at a short little pegasus who stood in the doorway.  His scruffy, hairy coat was grey, and his mane was pitch-black with some hints of silver.

"Why, hello!" he said warmly.

"Who are you?"

"I'm the Doctor!"

Scootaloo was visibly confused.  "Doctor Who?"

"Exactly!" he replied cryptically.

Sukh came there and uncomfortably but warmly shook his wing.  He then snuck a whisper to Rainbow: "Did you invite him?" Rainbow shrugged.

"Am I early?" this "Doctor" asked.

"Yes...three hours early...It starts at five; you came at two o'clock." Sukh said in surprise.  "Actually, I don't know about you, but I think you're in the wrong pla-"

"Oh splendid, splendid!" the Doctor cut off. "Of course, I should remember that I'm not early...everyone else is simply late."  The Doctor then made himself comfortable on the couches.

Sukh simply shook his head, and sit right next to him.   "What's on the telly?" the Doctor asked.

"Football" Sukh said simply.

The Doctor then leaned forward and squinted, like a near-sighted man getting a better look.  "Now that can't be right."

"What can't?"

"It's called football...but it's not football, it's a egg-shaped thing they carry in their hooves...it should be called 'hoof-egg' or something."

"Are you from Trottingham?"

"Make that 'Gallifrey' and you'll be in the ball park, as they say!"

"Heheheheh, right...." Sukh rose up and went to the kitchen before the conversation could actually get awkward.   Meanwhile, the Doctor  began to play a patriotic tune on his tin, stiped recorder.

Roughly an hour later, the doorbell rang again, and Scootaloo hopped happily to the door, hoping it was somebody she knew.  Of course, it was, but nobody awesome.

"Ah, it's nothin', just ol' Twilight Sparkle," she said glumly.

Sukhabataar roared "Scootaloo! Apologize to Twilight!"

"It's okay," Twilight chuckled.  Twilight then hugged Rainbow Dash, her long-time friend.  "And who is this gentlecolt?" she asked.

"Him? He's Sukhbataar."

Twilight was initially dismissive in air, presumably assuming him to be an Equestrian Naval Aviator.  "And what do you do for a living?" she asked.

"Me? Well, I just became the Director of Equestrian Resources, but I used to be a Hippological consultant."

Twilight suddenly lit up inwardly: A scientist! she realized.  "What did you do?"

Sukh replied "Oh, me? I just warned the ponies I worked with that whatever they were doing would probably upset the locals" he ended with a chuckle.

Twilight suddenly seemed to have shown that awful gleam in her eyes that shined when she wanted something, specifically a stallion.  Rainbow remembered that look when Twilight was around her adopted brother ("we're not biologically related!" she insisted).

Rainbow now wanted to stay close to Sukhbataar at all times, because she knew what sorts of things would happen if Twilight wanted a stallion, so it was stressful when she heard another sound.

"Yeeee-haw! Howdy Rainbow Dash!"

"Hey AJ" Rainbow said listlessly, "how are things?"

The question felt like a forced courtesy to Applejack: "Ya know Sugarcube, you sound upset, is somethin' the matter?"

"No!" Rainbow lied, suddenly perking up.

"Rainbow, if you think you are any danger of losing Sukhbataar, you're either absolutely wrong or he isn't worth it to begin with."

"Yeah, I know, except Twilight wants him bad, and well, you know how she is when she wants something..."  Twilight Sparkle, being the student of Celestia, was a very privileged mare who had a tendency to get what she asked for by automatically confiscating it in the name of the Sun Princess...well, that, or use mind control.

Applejack knew this full-well and chuckled.  "Oh, well, in that case, you're screwed!"

That was the least reassuring "comfort" that Rainbow ever heard in her entire life.

Sukh, not hearing all of this, shook his head and sighed, thinking, is everybody going to come early like this? They're supposed to come at five, but one came at two, and two others at three.

Scootaloo, on the other hand, was in a far better mood than Rainbow or Sukh were in, because she saw her friend...

"...Apple Bloom!" she shouted! She ran up and hugged Apple Bloom really quick.

For the remaining hour, Sukh avoided the main groups, cooking for them in the kitchen.  At the present moment, he put some potatoes in the slow-cooker so that they would be easier to mash.  He was happier this way: He wasn't used to having too many ponies in the house, and he wanted to distance himself from them.   It was nice, until the doors burst open thanks to one pony in particular:

"The party don't start 'till I come in!" a grating voice shouted.  Rainbow, however, had no problem with that voice in particular.

"Pinkie Pie!" she shouted happily as she went to embrace her best friend.  "Hi Rainbow!" Pinkie squealed.  "Cousin Felix couldn't make it, so I came instead."

Twilight, seeing an opportunity, tried to get closer to Sukh, and asked a question: "So, tell me about your family?"

"Well, actually...Rainbow and Scootaloo are my family."

Then the door was flung open, but the door-flinger stood casually and stoically.  Sukh turned around and seemed relieved at the sight: "Why, Spitfire!" Of course, in reality, seeing his employer there made him want to take another swig of Applejack Daniel's.

"What?" asked Twilight, still insistent that Sukh explain more about his family.

Sukh turned around and got a little awkward. "Um, heheh, yeah, my parents divorced, and my mother committed suicide, my father disowned me, my older brother went back to Przewalskia, my wife also died against cancer...I don't really have any more family than I need" he said, nudging his head to the living room, in which Rainbow Dash and Scootaloo were.

Pinkie Pie, however, observed this but didn't get the hint.

"Aw, don't worry Sukhie-pooh! We'll get you a new family! I shall be your mother, and your father, and your uncle, and your aunt, and your grandmother, and your grandfather, and your daughter, and your son, and your niece, and your nephew, and your cousin, and your wife, and your mistress!"

"Woah-woah-woah-woah-woah-woah Pinkie!" Rainbow cut in.  "Position of Mistress #1 is already taken!"

"Oh, okay...." Pinke said, seemingly disappointed.

"Rainbow!" Sukh shouted, fearing that this would cost him his job.

"What's wrong Sukh?" Spitfire asked.

"Well, it's that, I'm kind of the Director of Equine Resources."

"So?" Spitfire inquired.

"Isn't it inappropriate to be in relations to somebody you have some authority over?"

Spitfire shook her head and took a swig of hard liquor like she thought nothing of it: "Not at all; how else do you think Soarin' got a job?"

Sukh took a while to process this and came to an accurate conclusion: "You're corrupt."

Spitfire only smiled warmly and embraced him.  "Why, thank you homie!"

Then suddenly, Pinkie's face brightened; "...is Mistress #2 a go then?"

Rainbow couldn't stand it anymore."Pinkie!"

"What?"!

"He's mine!!"

"Can't you share?"

"Nope."

"Ohh, I get it! You're thinking I'm attracted to him! Tee-hee-hee-hee! No silly! I like Discord! I'm just willing to do whatever it takes to give Sukhie-kins a family! You don't have to worry about me! You just need to worry about Twilight and her lusty ways!"

Rainbow Dash looked more sorrowful; "Tell me Pinkie, what do I do?"

Pinkie saw the face and decided that it was time to help her best friend.  "Gosh Dashie, you sound sad!"

"You think?"

"You should know about this wonderful game called BDSM! It will increase your intimacy! Cousin Felix will tell you all about it when he's done metamorphosing!"

"BDSM?" Rainbow asked.

"Ohhhhhh...

BDSM is a funerific game, even with the ouchies!

Smack that filly with the cane, they certainly won't be grouchies!

You tie that colt up with some rope, and then pour on the wax!

If he squeals out from the red ball gag, then give that flank some smacks!"

"Ah, Pinkie? This doesn't sound safe..."

"Nonsense Dashie, can't you see? It's as safe as safe can be!

That's why you have a special word, or maybe even three!

When you've got that big whip out, and you're having fun,

Don't let up and make him bleed, because it's just begun!"

"I still don't know what it is-"

"B stands for Bondage, with ropes and ties and chains!

D stands for Discipline, because with pain there's gains!

S stands for sadopony, and you'll be having fun!"

M stands for masochpony, with a big plug up your bu-"

"Pinkie! That's... I mean-"

"Oh don't you worry Dashie, I've had a lot of time,

I know it's scary at the start, but soon it'll be all fine!

So take this whip and latex suit, I know you'll use it well.

And tie that stallion to your bed, and then you'll be all swell!"

"... Why am I friends with you again?"

Rarity, and Fluttershy, who arrived exactly on time, also arrived exactly on time to hear the song.  They were shocked.

Sukhbataar heard the song as well, and decided to let the turkey out early: "The turkey is done!" he shouted.

Applejack inspected it for a moment: "No it ain't."

"It's done enough for me."

AJ shrugged and walked back to talk with Twilight and conspire with her best friend on how to fulfill her latest ambition.  Sukh decided now was time to pray as a family.

"Our mother Galaxia..."  then a sickening crack could be heard from the turkey.

"Ah told ya it wasn't done enough" Applejack complained.

Then, from the turkey, a horrible monster emerged! It had nasty teeth and an elongated body.

All gasped and felt nauseous...save for one...

"Cousin Felix!" squealed Pinkie Pie.

"THAT'S 'Cousin Felix'? What is he?" Rainbow asked quickly and insistently.

"Well, he's in the Chestburster stage now, but apparently, he's going to be the first-ever Turkeymorph!"

"Okay, that does it, everybody out!" Sukh roared.

Few objected to this, except one: "Bu-bu-bu-but-"

"Yes, you too Pinkie!"

Pinkie then burst her head from behind the door: "Remember what I said RD!!"

"What did you say?"

Pinkie began to sing again: "BDSM!!-"

And then the door was slammed shut.

"Is it always like this when there is family over?"

"Usually it's worse."

"You know Rainbow Dash, it makes me realize something about family.

"What?"

"It makes me realize how thankful I am that I'm basically an orphan."

Rainbow chuckled at this.  "Yeah, I can see how you feel that way."

"Yes, well, actually, I have you and Scootaloo...and that's quite enough."

Rainbow closed her eyes and smiled.  "You know Twilight likes you, right?"

"Hm, Twilight's nice, but she's got a problem."

"What's that?"

"She's not you."

Rainbow went red after hearing these words, but then kissed Sukh on the lips again.  However, they both felt something on their hooves, and they looked down...

...Standing between them both was Cousin Felix, the Turkeymorph.

"AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

After that was hours of a seemingly endless wild goose chase mainly revolving around trying to get Felix out of the house with a broom handle.