The One Where Rainbow Dash Isn't a Lesbian
It was a gorgeous, sunny day in Ponyville. Isn't it always? Except when it isn't. Today, however, thanks to the efforts of Rainbow Dash, the skies are clear and everyone is outside enjoying the glorious, sunny day. Each cloud bursts as she zips back and forth through the sky while her friends below admire both her and the cloudless skies.
Among the celebrants of the uninterrupted sunshine is a corpulent, bipedal creature who only had fur on his head, and a rather unseemly matte of hair on his neck. The air around him was thick with stinging body odor, the smell virtually tangible. This alien visitor from parts unknown is Anon, and his appearance in Equestria would certainly be met with more shock had he not been hanging around Ponyville for the past three months. After a while, the whole town had collectively shrugged and just let this creature stick around. His sudden arrival here certainly wasn't the strangest thing that's happened to them.
He stares up at the sky while the blue pegasus comes in for a landing. He deliberately chews on a cupcake as he locks his eyes onto Rainbow Dash with the utmost scrutiny, the chewing motion he makes as he eats the cupcake slow enough to get a glance into the contents of his mouth.
"See? What'd I tell you? Ten seconds flat!" Rainbow Dash stood triumphant with a smile across her face.
"So it would appear." Anon frowned in deep scrutiny before taking another bite out of the cupcake.
Rainbow Dash's legion of Ponyville friends piled up around her, each trying to get a word in edgewise, some more successfully than others, Anon trailing behind the crowd at a safe distance. Ponies gradually broke off from the mass of ponies talking to Rainbow Dash about nothing in particular– arrangements for social gatherings, and lauding her with such glowing and specific nuggets of praise as "Awesome" and "Amazing." This semi-pointless glory-soaking festival finally came to an end when Pinkie Pie walked off to prepare Sugar Cube Corner for a party. Now Anon stared awkwardly at Rainbow Dash from across the street.
"Hello," he finally said.
"Uh, hey." Rainbow Dash squirmed uncomfortably at the sensation of the eyes on her.
"That's quite a job you did clearing the skies."
"Yeah, I'm pretty awesome."
"I bet you get a lot of pussy."
"Yeah. Wait, what?"
"You know, your awesomeness must get you a lot of tail."
Rainbow Dash scrunched her mouth and raised a brow.
"I don't really follow."
"Sex! Lots of mares have lots of sex with you!"
After Anon's words echoed throughout the town, there was a juicy, awkward silence between the two.
"O–kay then. I'm not sure what cupcakes do to your people, Anon, but it's weirding me out." Rainbow Dash's grimace had stood as clear evidence of her having been weirded out.
"But you're clearly a lesbian! Look at your hair!"
"What does my mane have to do with who I prefer to date?"
"Duh, everything! You're quite obviously a homosexual, what with your boyish demeanor, your lack of interest in archetypical girly things, your hair being a rainbow and cut short..."
"I'm pretty sure none of those have anything to do with whether I prefer mares or stallions."
"Don't try to tell me you haven't thought of porking Fluttershy at least once! I know you have!"
"Wait, wha–"
"Do you not like Fluttershy?!" Anon shouted, once again, for the whole of Ponyville to hear, flecks of spittle escaping his flabby maw and settling on Rainbow Dash's face.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Rainbow Dash had finally lost her patience for the alien. "Fluttershy's my friend, and I like her fine, but it doesn't mean I'm into her in that way. Now, I've got a party to go to." Rainbow Dash flew off as quickly as she could, leaving Anon in the dust. The flabby biped chased after her, still shouting through labored breaths after three or four paces of running.
"Applejack! You want to get it on with Applejack, don't you?! What about Twilight?!" Anon gave up, sitting down in place.
Now, Anon could have learned that you can't judge a book by its cover, and that assigning stereotypes doesn't necessarily do people justice, and that one needs to assess people on an individual basis. However, Anon pulled out a notebook and began scribbling in it with pencil.
Dear Diary,
Equestria is lame. The Mane Six aren't even all lesbians. I'll have to find a way to force Rainbow Dash to sex up Fluttershy. Or Applejack. Or Twilight.
-Anon
The One Where Ponies Don't Find Humans Attractive
Anon trudged out of town square, still profoundly disappointed that Rainbow Dash wasn't a lesbian.
"All the signs were right there!" Anon mused aloud. "It's almost as if I can't make broad generalizations about p–!"
As if the universe didn't want him to finish that sentence, his foot stubbed into a rock, causing his legs and his pants to split.
"Oh, great," Anon groaned as he looked back at his torn trousers, a gaping hole on the seat of his pants. "Rainbow Dash isn't a lesbian, my pants are torn, and now I have to see that bitch Rarity. She's so shallow and preoccupied with appearances– nothing like me!" Anon continued to mutter in increasingly incoherent anger as he tried desperately to hold up the denim cloth that once covered his sizable posterior.
After a few minutes, Anon had reached the Carousel Boutique. He knocked on the door, waiting for the door to be answered by who he considered "Worst Pony." Sure enough, the door opened, and there she stood– Rarity, in her meticulously arranged mane, gazing at Anon in what he was certain was silent judgement.
"Ah, hello, Anon," Rarity said with not even the smallest bit of surprise. "Need another mending job?"
See, this isn't the first time Anon had damaged his clothes since his arrival to Equestria. Each time, he went to see Rarity, and he dreaded every visit. He knew he had to put up with Rarity's smugness, standing there and being prettier than him. He could swear she did it on purpose.
"Yeah," he muttered. "My pants ripped."
Rarity took a look at the back of the sundered garment.
"Oh... Oh my. I'm going to have to take those off to fix them. Come inside, darling."
Anon reluctantly stepped inside the boutique, looking around the room at the mannequins. He was at the center of evil, the girly stereotypes that Hasbro perpetuated with one character. Truly sinister.
"Alright, darling, I'm going to need your trousers. I must say, though, denim isn't the first choice I would've made..."
Anon rolled his eyes, then unbuttoned his pants, dropping them to the floor. At the moment that he stood in the middle of the boutique with a mare inside, he got to thinking– despite being a fashionista bitch, Rarity was pretty clearly hetero, and this time, there wasn’t any disputing it. If she wasn’t completely hetero, she would at least be bi. The gears in his head began turning– a new idea, so novel, so brilliant! Well, some artists and writers have done this before, and now that he could see there was some basis for it, suddenly most of the ponies not being lesbians wasn’t such a bad thing. After all, ponies were universally tolerant and accepting of absolutely everything, so having sex with a human should be completely okay! He began his most brilliant scheme to get some.
“So… Your mane is nice.” Clearly, his cleverness with words and his masculine wiles were unmatched.
“Thank you,” Rarity smiled, taking a needle and thread to the ripped jeans. Anon’s mind has quickly changed about Rarity with the increasingly possible prospect of getting in her V. Now, she was the most appealing pony of the bunch. It would be then that he would be at his most suave.
“Let’s fuck.”
Rarity stopped for a moment, blinking several times to make sure she heard him right.
“Uh, what was that?”
“I said, ‘Let’s fuck.’ Mate. Copulate. Fornicate. Let’s do it.”
Rarity stood in stunned silence, her mouth hung open with the needle held all the way out.
“I’m sure you’re quite… Er... Virulent and attractive back in your world, Anon, but I’m afraid I’m not interested.”
“But… But you’re a pony! You’re supposed to accept everything there is and therefore you should want me!”
“I’m sorry, darling, I just don’t think of you that way. You and I can still be friends, though. Besides, I’m sure you’d much rather have relations with someone of your own kind.”
The words “Still be friends” rang through Anon’s head, paralyzing him as he stared into the endless nothingness. This was it. This was the lowest depths that he could have possibly sunk. No worse fate could await such a studly, corpulent creature like himself.
He had been friendzoned.
“Anon? Anon, are you alright?”
What an inconsiderate bitch! How could he be alright? He’s just been told by a female of a completely different species that he propositioned out of the blue that they were just friends! No one who’s ever had a romantic relationship has been friends with the person they had a relationship with before! He saw clearly that he was doomed.
It was then that Anon fainted face-first onto the floor.
