The Birds and the Bees

by Scantrel

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 8404

The Cutie Mark Crusaders are given an assignment in school that requires them to ask the Mane Six about facts of nature. The answers about "the birds and the bees" they get should make for a very interesting report!

The Cutie Mark Crusaders' plans for an afternoon of crusading are interrupted by a school assignment to write a report on nature. They've heard other ponies talk about "the birds and the bees" and decide to ask their sisters and the rest of the Mane Six for their help on the subject.

Needless to say, the answers they get should make for a very interesting report!

(Cover art composite created from vector images by Alphanz and Sulyo)

Presented as a multiple short chapter story.

Published 2013-11-21 22:30:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-10 16:56:25 UTC

It's Only Natural

The afternoon promised to be glorious.

The sun shone brilliantly in the sky, unfettered in its radiance by any clouds. The air was crisp and clean, the breeze a gentle breath of freshness that gave voice to the rustling of the leaves. Birds sang merrily as they tended their nests. It was the perfect day for communing with all of nature's marvels.

But better still, it was the perfect day for CRUSADING!

Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle were huddled in one corner of the schoolyard during recess, scheming their latest ideas for earning their cutie marks.

"Are ya sure ya don' wanna try bein' Cutie Mark Crusader Pearl Divers?" Apple Bloom asked Scootaloo.

"No way, I hate swimming!" Scootaloo replied emphatically. "What about Cutie Mark Crusader Fire Walkers?"

"I promised Rarity we wouldn't play with matches after we tried being Cutie Mark Crusader Candle Makers," Sweetie Belle sighed. "Besides, it took like a week to get all of that wax out of everything."

"Hmmm..." Apple Bloom pondered, thinking of what she had easy access to back at Sweet Apple Acres. "What can we do with two apple buckets, some extra rope, an' the old rain tarp that was coverin' the hole in the barn roof before we fixed it?"

Scootaloo's eyes lit up. "Maybe we can make a hot air balloon!"

"That's a great idea!" Apple Bloom gushed. "Yeah!" Sweetie Belle beamed and threw up a hoof into the air, prompting Scootaloo and Apple Bloom to slap their hooves together overhead with her in their trademark celebration as they all yelled, "Cutie Mark Crusader Hot Air Balloonists, yay!"

Their reverie was cut short by Cheerilee. "Alright my little ponies! Recess is over, it's time to come back to class." A collective groan rose from all of the colts and fillies as they started to file back into the schoolhouse.

Once Cheerilee had everypony back at their desks, she turned to face the class.

"Today, I have a very special surprise for all of you. You will be getting out of class two hours early this afternoon," Cheerilee announced.

The classroom erupted in a chorus of cheers.

"During that time, I will expect you to spend your time outdoors, so that you can write a two page essay on nature. I'll expect your reports first thing on my desk tomorrow morning," Cheerilee added.

The sudden celebration fizzled out, as the students realized they were being given extra homework.

The remainder of class was devoted to a lecture on the various species of flowers that grew near Ponyville and the differences between perennial, biennial, and annual plants. Eventually Cheerilee put away her lesson materials and said, "That's all for class today, you're dismissed so you can start working on your essays. Have a good day, everypony!"

Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle wasted no time making a beeline out of the classroom. Once outside, they gathered under one of the trees by the schoolhouse.

"I can't believe we have to write a stupid essay!" Scootaloo grumped. "Today is perfect weather for balloon flying."

"Maybe if we worked together on our papers we'll get done quicker," Sweetie Belle suggested. "What about nature can we write about?" She cocked her head and looked over at Apple Bloom. "You're the Earth pony, what do you think?"

Apple Bloom shrugged. "How should I know?" After a moment's thought, Apple Bloom's face lit up and she said "Hold on y'all, I have an idea. I heard Big Mac tellin' Applejack once she was gonna have to talk to me 'bout the birds an' the bees. Why don't we do our nature report on that? An' we can ask our sisters an' their friends fer help."

"Awesome!" Scootaloo chipped in. "I bet with their help we can get our essays done in no time, and we can still go crusading today."

Sweetie Belle nodded her head in eager agreement. "We should split up so we can find as many of them as fast as possible. I'm sure Rarity's working at the Boutique, Apple Bloom can head back to the farm for Applejack and I bet you can find Rainbow Dash, Scootaloo."

"That's a good idea, then we can meet up at the clubhouse an' work together on our papers," Apple Bloom suggested.

"OK, I'll run by Fluttershy's place too. She'll be like the ultimate source for us," Scootaloo said.

"Whoa now, I want ta go talk to Fluttershy," Apple Bloom insisted. "You can go talk to Pinkie Pie."

"Oh no, I called Fluttershy first," Scootaloo shot back.

"Arrgh! You two need to stop fighting so we can get on with it," Sweetie Belle moaned. "Here, we'll settle this fair and square." Sweetie Belle took a piece of paper and tore it into three strips of different lengths. "You two close your eyes and draw. Long piece gets to pick first, short piece gets whoever's left over." Scootaloo and Apple Bloom closed their eyes and Sweetie Belle shuffled the strips in her hooves, then held them out with just a little piece showing.

"OK, ready, you both draw at the same time," Sweetie Belle instructed. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo opened their eyes and looked at each other with a competitive smirk, then each of them drew a slip of paper from between Sweetie Belle's hooves.

"Alright! I got the long piece, Fluttershy is mine!" Scootaloo cheered, waving her strip of paper in Apple Bloom's face.

"Well, it's not so bad, I got the middle piece," Apple Bloom sighed. "I'll take Twilight."

"Wait, what?" Sweetie Belle said. Sure enough, only the shortest strip of paper remained in her grip. "This is SO not fair!" she whined.

Scootaloo snickered. "Have a good visit with Pinkie Pie, Sweetie."

Sweetie Belle groaned heavily. "Fine. Whatever it takes I guess to get this done."

"I'm gonna head inta town an' talk to Twilight then find Applejack. I'll see y'all back at the clubhouse," Apple Bloom said.

Scootaloo was already reaching for her helmet and scooter. "OK, I'm going to go find Rainbow Dash. See you two later!" With a buzz of wings, Scootaloo zipped down the road in search of her idol. Apple Bloom trotted off right behind her in the direction of the Golden Oaks library.

Sweetie Belle glared once again at the piece of paper in her hoof, then crumpled it up and tossed it away. "I'll start with Rarity I guess," she mumbled to nopony in particular before heading back into Ponyville and the Carousel Boutique.

Fluttershy

There was no doubt about it, this was Fluttershy's favorite time of the year. It might not be her favorite day, that being reserved for Winter Wrap-Up when she could see all of her animal friends again after their long sleep, but today felt especially vibrant. Fluttershy decided she would have to tell Rainbow Dash to thank her team for the absolutely gorgeous weather.

A light, happy song filled Fluttershy's heart as she trotted along the path, smiling up at the birds in the trees as she passed or pausing to greet a squirrel or field mouse with a cheery, "Hello, little friend!"

A buzzing sound caught Fluttershy's attention and she paused to glance around. Perhaps a colony of bees were out to gather nectar? It seemed a little loud for that, though.

The sound grew closer and closer until finally Scootaloo crested the slight rise on the path. When she saw Fluttershy standing in the middle of the path, Scootaloo was forced to skid to an abrupt halt to avoid running into her. "Hi Fluttershy!" Scootaloo panted, catching her breath.

"Oh goodness! Where are you going in such a hurry?" Fluttershy asked gently.

"I'm trying to find Rainbow Dash. Have you seen her?" Scootaloo asked.

"Umm...no...I haven't, sorry," Fluttershy said quietly. "She might be taking a nap after her weather duty." Fluttershy looked away from Scootaloo as she answered. She didn't want to make the little filly feel badly for not being able to fly to search for Rainbow Dash in the clouds.

"That's OK. I'm sure I'll find her eventually," Scootaloo said with a smile. Scootaloo got off of her scooter and walked closer to Fluttershy. "Oh, I wanted to see you also. I guess it's good I ran into you. Well, not exactly ran into you, but you know."

Fluttershy suppressed a slight giggle. "Of course, what do you need?" she inquired.

"Well, we have an assignment at school and I was hoping you could tell me about the birds and the bees!" Scootaloo exclaimed.

Fluttershy blinked as a bright blush started to color her face.

"Oh...Oh my!" Fluttershy stammered. "I...I really don't think that I should...I mean, that's really not something I like to talk about with anypony."

"Are you kidding me?" Scootaloo asked. "Everypony knows you're the best at it!"

Fluttershy's blush deepened and she practically trembled. "They...they do?"

"Of course!" Scootaloo replied, waving a hoof casually at Fluttershy. "I mean, who else knows more than you, right? I wanted to ask Rainbow Dash about it first, because she's so awesome and all, but you're the expert. I bet no one in Ponyville even comes close to you. They'd all recommend you, hooves down!"

Fluttershy's mouth opened in absolute shock, but no sound came out at first. When she finally found her voice, it came out in a very hushed whisper. "Oh dear...I...I could never...I would never discuss that in public."

Scootaloo cocked her head, wondering what in Equestria was going on. "I'm surprised Cheerilee didn't have you come give a presentation at class. She has to know you know even more than her about all that."

Fluttershy's pupils shrunk to the size of pinpricks and she visibly wobbled now, feeling quite faint. "Presentation...at school? In front of all the little ones?" Fluttershy felt herself about to swoon.

"Are you OK, Fluttershy? You don't look well at all," Scootaloo asked with some concern.

After several moments, Fluttershy gulped and said, "I...I'll be alright, I just had no idea that everypony thought that about me. It's a bit overwhelming." All Fluttershy wanted at that exact moment was to flee back to her cottage and hide.

"Alright, I didn't mean to upset you." Scootaloo frowned, completely at a loss what she had said that had made Fluttershy so stressed. Birds and bees should have been right up her alley.

"I know, Scootaloo. I...I think I need to go, I'm sorry. I'm sure Rainbow Dash can help you more, she's much more..." Fluttershy barely caught herself before she said "experienced". That was definitely NOT something she wanted to bring up.

"I'm sure she will be much more helpful," Fluttershy managed to squeak out.

"Ok, if you say so. Thanks anyway, Fluttershy." Scootaloo got back on her scooter and slowly steered around Fluttershy before setting off down the path again.

Fluttershy waited until Scootaloo was out of sight before wiping her brow to pat away some of the cold sweat that had broken out. Today had definitely turned into a double-length bubble bath emergency day and the sooner she could get home, the sooner she could recover.

Rarity

Rarity levitated a new bolt of cloth over to her sewing machine while simultaneously threading a new bobbin with matching thread. She was behind on her latest order, but neither Tartarus nor tidal surges were going to get in the way of finishing this project on schedule. Rarity hovered a pair of pinking shears over the fabric, lining up her next cut, but just as the shears bit into the cloth the bell hanging over the entrance to the Boutique rang out.

Stamping her hoof with a little irritation, Rarity took a breath to compose herself. Putting on her most professional expression, she walked out from the workroom and called out with a cheerful tone, "Welcome to Carousel Boutique! Where every garment is chic, unique, and...Oh, it's you, Sweetie Belle."

Sweetie Belle mumbled a little greeting and let her saddlebag of school books slump to the ground.

"Now, Sweetie Belle. You simply cannot make a mess in here today. I'm expecting a very important client this afternoon and I must keep the store spotless to make a good impression." Rarity tilted her head as she realized the time and then asked, "What are you doing back from school so early? Shouldn't you still be in class?" Rarity narrowed her eyes. "You aren't in trouble again are you?"

Sweetie Belle gave Rarity a mildly dirty look. "No, Miss Cheerilee let us out early for a project."

Rarity nodded, appeased for the moment. "Very well dear, I won't keep you from your homework while I go and do my own work. Ha! That was very nearly a rhyme worthy of Zecora!" Rarity chuckled as she turned to head back into the workroom.

"Can you tell me about the birds and the bees?" Sweetie Belle asked from behind Rarity.

Rarity stopped dead in her tracks.

Slowly, she turned around to look at Sweetie Belle. "What did you say?" she asked hesitantly.

"I was hoping you could tell me about the birds and bees," Sweetie Belle repeated.

Rarity fanned herself nervously. "This is most...unexpected. Aren't you a bit young to worry about such things?"

Sweetie Belle frowned. "I'm just as old as Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, and they're out finding out the same thing!"

"I see," Rarity said. "Well, I suppose it's only natural. But darling, this really is a conversation you should be having with Mother."

"Why do you say that?" Sweetie Belle asked with surprise. "I bet she doesn't know anything about it."

Rarity blinked. "Oh, I'm quite sure she knows at least a couple of things about it," she replied dryly.

"C'mon Rarity, you've got to help me. Pleeeeease?" Sweetie Belle begged.

"Why the sudden interest in this?" Rarity inquired. A terrible thought occurred to her and a hoof flew to her cheek. "You haven't been snooping around in my private library have you?!"

Sweetie Belle cocked her head. "You have a private library? Is it anything like Twilight's?"

Rarity coughed to suppress a snort of laughter. "Oh, I daresay it's nothing like Twilight's." Her expression turned thoughtful. "Though one never knows. That mare does need to blow off steam somehow."

"Huh?" Sweetie Belle asked.

"Err...never mind about Twilight," Rarity replied quickly.

"Rarity, I really need you to help me. I don't want to spend all day working on this assignment," Sweetie Belle whined.

"Assignment? You mean...THIS is the project that Cheerilee gave you?" Rarity asked, somewhat aghast. Sweetie Belle nodded affirmatively.

"This is completely inappropriate!" Rarity exclaimed. "They're supposed to get permission, or something! Mark my words, I'll be bringing this up at the next Pony-Teacher Association meeting!"

Sweetie Belle had no choice at this point. Digging into her arsenal, she put on "the eyes", giving Rarity the most adorable sad-face she could muster.

"Very well," Rarity conceded, unable to resist the cuteness overload. "But as a lady I have no idea how to tell you to write about such things. Perhaps a literary example would be a starting point. Wait here." With that, Rarity turned and went upstairs to her bedroom to fetch one of her favorite novellas. When she returned, Rarity levitated a well-worn paperback over to Sweetie Belle. "Read through this, it might give you some ideas for your...assignment. We can talk about it later, I must get back to work for now."

Sweetie Belle nodded her thanks and Rarity returned to her workroom. Once Rarity was out of sight, Sweetie Belle pulled the book in front of her and looked at the title. "Labors of the Heart?" Sweetie said outloud. "How is this supposed to help me write about birds and bees?" Sweetie Belle shrugged and started to hoof through the pages.

"How can she read this with some of the pages stuck together?" Sweetie Belle wondered. She finally let the book fall open where the spine had the deepest crease and started reading.

Rose Petal ran her gaze over the repairpony, admiring the ripping of his muscles under his coat as he worked to repair the broken sink. She pulled the towel tighter around herself she had grabbed when stepping out of the shower to answer the door.

"What did you say your name was again?" Rose Petal breathed, her eyes never leaving his flank.

"Labor. Hard Labor, Ma'am," the burly stallion replied.

"May I call you...Hard?" Rose Petal asked demurely.

The well-toned plumber lifted his head from under the sink and flashed a dazzling smile. "I would like nothing better." As he ran a hoof through his rough-shod mane, one of the faucets broke, spraying Rose Petal in a stream of water before the handsome stallion grabbed a wrench from his belt and shut the water off.

"Shame on me," he said in his rich baritone voice. "Looks like I've gotten you all wet."

"You have no idea," Rose Petal murmured, a little too loudly. Looking into the stallion's chestnut eyes, she pointed at the wrench and purred, "Is that the biggest tool you have?"

"Oh no, I've got one even larger for...special circumstances," Hard Labor replied, his hoof brushing over the towel, which fell to the floor.

Sweetie Belle's eyes grew larger and larger as she kept reading. Wait, were they...was that...

"EEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Sweetie Belle squealed, tossing the book away and sprinting from the Boutique, slamming the door behind her.

Rarity came trotting out to see what the commotion was. She spied the book laying on the ground and levitated it up, glancing quickly over the section that Sweetie Belle had been reading. "I suppose that outfit can wait a few more minutes," Rarity said with a naughty giggle, taking the book back upstairs with her.

Twilight Sparkle

Apple Bloom knocked on the door of the Library and was answered with an eager "Come in!" from the other side. The door was encased in a slight purple glow as Twilight used her magic to open the portal for her visitor and Apple Bloom walked into the main room as the door closed gently behind her. Twilight was standing in front of one of the bookshelves, a swarm of books swirling around her head like a halo of sorts as she continuing her bi-weekly scheduled rearranging.

"Howdy, Twilight!" Apple Bloom called out.

"Hello, Apple Bloom. What brings you to the library today?" Twilight asked kindly.

"I need yer help with some research fer a school paper." Apple Bloom answered.

The books levitating around Twilight's head stopped mid-swirl and Twilight's face broke into a huge surprised smile. "You want to use the library for actual research?"

"Eeyup!" Apple Bloom answered.

The books floating in mid-air quickly rearranged themselves onto the bookshelves as Twilight gave a little dance of glee. Apple Bloom could swear that Twilight was on the verge of tears, before the lavender unicorn managed to pull herself together.

"Sorry, I just don't hear that very often," Twilight gushed, dabbing at her eyes. "I would love to help you with your school project. What's the subject?"

Apple Bloom beamed at Twilight, eager for her help. "The birds an' the bees!" she said proudly.

Twilight's right eye twitched a bit. "I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly," she stated.

"You know! The birds an' the bees. Miss Cheerilee says it's that time of year an' we're s'posed to write a paper on it." Apple Bloom responded.

"Wow, I didn't expect Cheerilee to be so progressive in choosing her curriculum," Twilight mused. "Still, she's absolutely correct, late spring to early summer does mark the height of the estrous cycle. Let me get a few things, and we'll start the lesson."

Twilight levitated over a mobile blackboard and some chalk. "We may want this for the diagrams." Twilight's gaze flitted over the shelves and a hoofful of books lifted off and settled themselves into a neat stack near the blackboard. "Reference materials," Twilight explained. Once everything was assembled to her satisfaction, Twilight turned back to Apple Bloom.

"I'm presuming that your assignment is intended to focus only on the basics, and not err...technique as well." Twilight said.

Apple Bloom just shrugged, she had no idea what technique would have to do with anything, unless Twilight might be planning to talk about flight differences between insects and birds. Apple Bloom began to wonder if she had made the right choice to come here if Twilight was going to go off on one of her tangents.

Seeing Apple Bloom's shrug, Twilight said, "Of course you are, nopony would be silly enough to give an assignment on techniques." A little sigh escaped Twilight, "Though certain ponies might do with a little proper education. Some ponies *cough* Thunderlane *cough* wouldn't know what to do with a well-developed plot if you tied a bow around it and presented it on a platter."

Twilight stopped short, blushing, realizing she had been speaking out loud. "Eheheh...sorry. So, back to basics!" she said, giving Apple Bloom a sheepish grin. Apple Bloom gave a little grin back.

Twilight cleared her throat and started her lecture. "It's a point of trivia, but Princess Celestia is somewhat responsible for birth rates as the estrous cycle is tied to the photoperiod." Seeing Apple Bloom's uncomprehending expression, Twilight said, "Never mind, I don't think your classmates would care about that either."

Twilight levitated open a couple of the books, quickly scanning the contents to confirm her own data.

"The typical estrous cycle lasts approximately 21 days on average, during which the estrus or follicular phase is the proper time for conception," Twilight began. "Once fertilized, the oocyte will remain in the oviduct for nearly six days before descending to the uterus. The embryo will become 'fixed' at about 16 days and become a fetus after about 5 to 6 weeks. The entire period of gestation is approximately 11 months on average, or 340 days to be a bit more precise. During the final three months of the gestation period is when about sixty percent of fetal growth occurs. And after all of that time, do you know what miracle happens?" Twilight inquired, looking at Apple Bloom.

Apple Bloom tried to blink to make her eyes unglaze. "Erhm...Honey?" Apple Bloom guessed.

"Honey? Seriously?" Twilight deadpanned.

"It seemed the right answer if bees were involved." Apple Bloom replied a little sheepishly.

"I was really hoping I didn't have to reduce this discussion to schoolyard terms," Twilight grumbled. "However, if we must, should I start with the part about putting the Wee-wee into the Hoo-haa?" Twilight levitated a piece of chalk to the blackboard and started to draw out a somewhat graphic example.

Apple Bloom started to laugh. "Them are some of the funniest names I ever heard. Are those different types of birds or somethin'?"

Twilight started to retort, but then a cold realization crept along her spine and she stopped sketching. "Wait, are you saying your project is about bees bees? And actual birds?" Twilight's face started to color with a fierce blush.

"That's right, jus' like I told ya when I got here." Apple Bloom answered. She looked at the blackboard. "Oh hay, is that a picture of you an' Thunderlane? Is that some sort of dance?"

"Oh, no, I..." Twilight stammered. "Well, I...I think perhaps I misunderstood. Let's just forget about all of this, shall we?" Twilight levitated an eraser and quickly erased her crude drawing.

"If you say so, Twilight. I was gonna talk to Applejack 'bout it anyway. Thanks fer the help," Apple Bloom answered.

"Anytime," Twilight managed. "Oh, and you won't say anything to anypony about this Thunderlane business, will you?"

Apple Bloom looked back up at Twilight with a slightly sly grin. "I'm sure we can come to an arrangement."

Twilight gulped. "I could do your next math homework for you?"

Apple Bloom's grin just grew a bit wider.

"Two days of homework?" Twilight countered. Getting no response, Twilight begged, "OK, all the rest of this week? But you have to Pinkie promise not to tell anypony!"

"Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!" Apple Bloom recited. "It's a deal! Thanks again, Twilight." Apple Bloom then turned and opened the door to the Library and headed outside.

Twilight used her magic to close the door behind Apple Bloom, then slumped down to the floor. "Next time, just give out a book." Twilight admonished herself.

Author's Note

The weekend break is done! Back to updates :) And a sincere and hearty thanks to everyone that has marked favorites, commented, and liked. Never imagined I'd get a story featured, just hope everyone enjoys!

Rainbow Dash

Scootaloo was just about to give up. She had searched high and low, all throughout Ponyville, and still no sign of Rainbow Dash. With a little sigh of defeat, Scootaloo turned her scooter around and headed back in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres to meet up with her two fellow Crusaders at the clubhouse. She hoped Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle had been more successful in getting information for their report.

As she rounded the final bend on the main road before the turn-off to Sweet Apple Acres, Scootaloo glanced up at the sky to try and get a sense of the time by where Celestia's sun was positioned. To her happy surprise, Scootaloo spied the end of a multi-hued tail dangling from a low-hanging cloud. She steered her scooter directly underneath and called up, "Hey, Rainbow Dash!"

The tail twitched slightly, but Rainbow Dash didn't answer.

Scootaloo took off her helmet and cleared her throat, then shouted more loudly, "RAINBOW DASH!"

The tail-tip wriggled and vanished up over the edge of the cloud to be replaced by Rainbow Dash's face peeking down. Rainbow Dash blinked and rubbed a hoof over her eyes a little sleepily, but then seeing Scootaloo below she smiled. "Hey Squirt!" Rainbow Dash called down. "What's up?"

"I've been looking all over Ponyville for you, do you have a few minutes to talk?" Scootaloo asked.

Rainbow Dash stood up and stretched before flying down to land beside Scootaloo. "Oh, sure thing, sorry about that, I was taking a little nap. I was just over at the Apple farm giving Big Mac a workou...err, I mean working out in the field with Big Mac." Rainbow Dash's smile turned into a somewhat cocky grin. At least she'd caught herself before she said too much.

"Wow, I would never have expected you to do farm chores," Scootaloo said in surprise.

"It's, ah, kinda a recent thing. So what can I help with, Scoots?" Rainbow Dash asked.

"Well, I wanted to ask you about the birds and the bees," Scootaloo replied.

Rainbow Dash's grin slipped a bit, her expression becoming a bit guarded. "Did Applejack put you up to this? I thought I saw her poking her head around the barn."

Scootaloo shook her head. "No, I haven't seen Applejack all day. The only other pony I've seen is Fluttershy and she recommended that I talk to you, which was a little unusual."

Rainbow Dash smirked. "Fluttershy recommended me, did she? That's not surprising, I'm awesome. And if Shy would let me, I would totally hit that."

Scootaloo blinked. Why would Rainbow Dash hurt Fluttershy? "You'd hit her?"

Rainbow Dash tilted her head and stared at Scootaloo, before her face broke out in a grin again. "I can see why we need to have this talk, Squirt. No, I wouldn't really hit Fluttershy, I meant that I gladly take her for a roll in the hay."

Scootaloo frowned a little. "OK, but I don't see how wrestling is that different."

Rainbow Dash shook her head and chuckled. "No, no...OK, I can see we're going to have to start slower. So, why the sudden interest in the birds and the bees? I mean, I get being curious, but I was a bit older than your age when I lost my cherry. I just wonder why now."

"If you lost your cherry, why didn't you go to the market and get another?" Scootaloo asked.

Rainbow Dash put her forehooves to her sides to try and stifle the giggles. "You're killing me, Scoots, really."

"Well, it's for school. Miss Cheerilee said we have to write a paper on something natural. In fact, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle and I are all working on the same thing," Scootaloo explained.

"Whoa, for school? If I had assignments like this back when I was in class, I think I'd have paid more attention." Rainbow Dash quipped. "I'm not too keen on writing papers, that's more egghead stuff. I prefer more show and tell."

"I guess so, I'm just really glad we only have to write about it and not do an oral presentation." Scootaloo said.

"Hey, don't knock oral things until you tried it," Rainbow Dash said with a wink.

"So, Rainbow, can I ask you why Fluttershy suggested I talk to you? No offense, but I would think she would have been excited to teach me. Instead she just seemed to get really upset," Scootaloo asked curiously.

"I really don't think this is the kind of thing Fluttershy would want to talk to anypony about." Rainbow Dash paused to think a moment. "Hmm, I guess it's because this one time, at flight camp..." Rainbow Dash said, reminiscing. "She kinda walked in on me and two colts. I think she couldn't speak for a day after that. So yeah, I can see why she steered you my way."

Scootaloo thought about that. "So what were you and the colts doing? Working on some sort of nature study?"

Rainbow Dash couldn't help but laugh a little at that one. "Well, that's one way of putting it I suppose. More like I was being the Rainbow filling of a pony sandwich." Seeing that Scootaloo still hadn't gotten it, Rainbow said, "Doing the horizontal bop? One was finding the pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow while I was..." Rainbow's voice trailed off.

"OK, enough beating around the bush. We were fooling around." Rainbow said, throwing up her hooves in exasperation.

"Oh!" Scootaloo exclaimed. "Why didn't you say that?"

"I did, in a manner of speaking," Rainbow Dash countered. "But enough about my conquests, what do you need from me to help you with your homework?"

"Well, I was wondering when we were going to get to talk about birds and bees," Scootaloo answered.

"We have been, sort of," Rainbow Dash said. "Though I guess if you have to write a paper for school about it, you probably will want to use all the proper terms and descriptions and such."

Scootaloo tried her best to conceal her confusion. She hadn't heard one thing about a bird or bee that she could use on her report. Maybe Apple Bloom or Sweetie Belle had better luck with their own efforts. Scootaloo decided that it was probably best to not drag this out any further. "Yeah, I'm sure I'll have to fill in the blanks with all of that." Scootaloo said, trying to sound appreciative. "Thanks for taking the time, Rainbow Dash, I should probably go see how Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom are doing."

Rainbow Dash nodded with a smile. "Suit yourself, but if you have more questions, don't hesitate to look me up." Rainbow Dash flapped her wings, hovering up in the air. "I think I'll go check on Fluttershy and make sure she's doing alright. Take care, Scoots!" Rainbow Dash flew off in the direction of Fluttershy's cottage.

"Ugh, my head hurts," Scootaloo grumbled to herself, putting her helmet back on. She was starting to think they should have done a report on butterflies instead. Mounting her scooter, Scootaloo set off down the road again towards Sweet Apple Acres.

Author's Note

I've made an edit to this chapter after mulling over a few things. Sorry for any misrepresentations that might have offended when trying to setup a particular one-liner.

Pinkie Pie

Sweetie Belle wandered aimlessly through the streets of Ponyville, wishing she had Twilight's knowledge of magic so she could cast the time travel spell and go back to warn herself not to waste her time talking to Rarity. Sweetie Belle had to admit to herself that she had always wondered about the little closet that Rarity kept locked in her bedroom, but after this afternoon's events her curiosity was no longer piqued.

Unfortunately, she was no closer to getting her assignment completed and the sun was already starting its downward track towards the horizon. Maybe if she found Spike she could beg him to send a letter to Princess Celestia and ask if she could extend the day by an hour or two.

Sweetie Belle was so engrossed in her thoughts she didn't see the precariously perched packages that Mr. Cake was carrying as he stepped out of Sugarcube Corner. As a sudden shadow loomed over her, Sweetie Belle looked up and gave a surprised squeal, echoed by the "Whooaaaa!" from Mr. Cake as the two collided. For a brief instant, there was a cupcake hailstorm that would have made Discord proud.

Sweetie Belle worked her way out of the pile of boxes, blushing furiously. "Oh, Mr. Cake, I am so so sorry!" she wailed.

"Are you hurt? Anything bruised?" Mr. Cake asked with concern.

"No, I'm alright," Sweetie Belle replied. She tried to gather up the scattered cupcakes into the boxes, but it was no use.

"Now now, accidents happen," Mr. Cake said consolingly. "What's got you all in a dither?"

"It's something for school. I was going to ask Pinkie Pie for some help since Rarity wasn't any help at all." Sweetie Belle answered.

"Ahh, I see." Mr. Cake nodded thoughtfully. "Pinkie is in the kitchen, you can just go on in. Oh, and let her know we'll need three dozen more cupcakes for tonight please."

"I sure will, thanks Mr. Cake. Give my best to Mrs. Cake and the twins also." Sweetie Belle said more cheerfully.

Mr. Cake gathered up the rest of the mess from the street and made his way back into the shop to clean up. Sweetie Belle trotted in and headed towards the kitchen.

"Pinkie? Are you there? It's Sweetie Belle," Sweetie Belle called out as she walked past the counter.

"Oh hey Sweetie, I'm in here! Come on in!" Pinkie Pie called back from inside the kitchen.

Sweetie Belle walked into the kitchen and as she did she stopped short in surprise. Pinkie Pie was suspended upside-down from the ceiling in a leather harness. Her back legs were securely fastened by leather straps that ran further along her barrel to form a cross just under her forelegs, supporting most of her weight. Completing the ridiculous spectacle was the chef hat that somehow was managing to remain attached to Pinkie's head.

"What are you doing?!" Sweetie Belle exclaimed.

"Oh, just working on a new recipe for a super-duper pineapple upside-down cake!" Pinkie Pie beamed proudly. "I tried doing it right-side up, but that didn't seem right for an upside-down cake, and I couldn't turn the cake over or it wouldn't be an upside-down cake or I'd have to call it a right-side upside-down cake and that just sounded silly! So I figured out how to make me upside-down so I could work on the cake properly!" Pinkie explained, as if this should have been obvious to anypony.

"Err....right," Sweetie Belle said. "If this is a bad time, I could always come back..." Sweetie Belle offered, thinking that perhaps escaping back to the clubhouse emptyhooved was better after all.

"Oh, no need silly-willy! Now what can your Auntie Pinkie Pie do for you?" Pinkie Pie inquired.

"Well, I needed some help, we were studying nature in school today and I need to learn more about the birds and the bees," Sweetie Belle answered.

Pinkie Pie's eyes grew a little larger as she swiveled around in the harness to look at Sweetie Belle. "Okie dokie lokie," Pinkie Pie answered slowly, her tone a little uncertain. "Have you, ah, talked to Rarity about this?"

"I tried, but all she did was give me some gross book," Sweetie Belle sighed. "Something about labors and the heart or whatever."

"Ooooh, I remember that one, I got it for Rarity for her birthday last year. Which reminds me, it's only 126 days until her next birthday, I'll have to think up something for a present," Pinkie Pie mused. "Still, that really really wasn't the best idea to give you that one. If you wanted a book, you should have gone to see Twilight, her library is full of them." Pinkie offered helpfully.

"I know, but Apple Bloom is going to the library. We're all working on this project together." Sweetie Belle said.

Pinkie Pie giggled, "Oh my, I don't want to be a party-pooper smarty pants, but I really don't think you all will want to try and earn cutie marks doing that."

Sweetie Belle blinked. "Huh? Oh no, this isn't crusading, this is for a school paper."

"Ohhhh!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. "I see the problem I think." Pinkie drew a hoof to her chin as she thought, slowly swaying in the harness as she dangled. Finally her face brightened and Pinkie exclaimed, "You're using two words too much!"

"What do you mean?" Sweetie Belle asked, clearly not following.

"Well, you asked me about the birds and the bees which totally isn't about the birds and the bees because you said THE birds and the bees when I think you meant birds and bees. So you're using two too many 'thes' and that's why Rarity gave you the book." Pinkie said with a large grin.

"I guess so?" Sweetie Belle replied, still not quite understanding the difference. Realizing she needed to either get some solid progress or get out, Sweetie Belle pleaded, "So can you please help me with the birds and the bees?"

Pinkie Pie's grin grew even wider. "Help me get out of this thing and I'll do even better. I'll take you to the edge of the Everfree Forest and show you."

"And that one there is a Tree Swallow, which is a completely silly name because it can't possibly swallow a whole tree," Pinkie said, pointing a hoof at one small bird perched on a limb. "The other one over there is a Common Yellowthroat. I wonder what an uncommon one would look like?" Pinkie wondered aloud.

Sweetie Belle giggled, she couldn't believe how much help Pinkie Pie had been during their little bird-watching session.

"Pinkie, I owe you an apology," Sweetie Belle offered, a little pang of guilt welling up in her.

"For what, Sweetie?" Pinkie asked with some surprise.

"Well, it's just that when we were all deciding which pony to ask, I didn't think you would know so much about birds so I felt like you were a last resort," Sweetie Belle admitted. "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to think of you badly."

"Oh, it's alright, even I don't know as much as Fluttershy or have access to a ton of books like Twilight. This was just something my Granny Pie used to enjoy and she taught me to like it too," Pinkie smiled. "I'm just really happy I could help out with your school paper and turn your frown upside down. And I didn't even need a harness for that!" The two girls broke into a fit of giggles at that.

"Ughh...I really wish Rarity would have been so thoughtful," Sweetie Belle answered. "I still can't believe that book she gave me." Sweetie Belle looked up at Pinkie Pie. "You ever wanted to wash your mind out with soap?"

Pinkie Pie pondered that a moment then answered seriously, "Mmm...no, I think I'd rather just use water, so all the little bubbles don't go fizzing around in your head."

"Good point," Sweetie Belle agreed. Sweetie Belle gazed back up at the sky. "I should head back to the clubhouse and meet up with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo. We'll be able to get this paper done in no time, thanks to you Pinkie."

Pinkie smiled brightly. "Goodie! If you all get done early enough, drop by Sugarcube Corner and you all can help me finish up baking those three dozen cupcakes for Mr. Cake."

Sweetie Belle nodded happily. "It's a deal!" Pinkie waved a hoof goodbye, and the two parted ways. Sweetie Belle grinned smugly, she couldn't wait to finish her homework, make some cupcakes, then laud over Rarity how Pinkie Pie had showed her all about the birds and the bees for her paper.

Applejack

Applejack paused to lift her Stetson from her head and run one hoof through her mane, straightening a few of the tangles. It had been a full but productive day and now all of her chores were done. Applejack put her hat back on and headed towards the farm house, it was definitely time for a little C&C...or cider and company for the longer version.

Applejack was looking forward to relaxing with a mug of the Apple family finest and catching up with Rainbow Dash, who seemed to be dropping by Sweet Apple Acres much more often recently. Not that Applejack minded of course, she welcomed the chance to see her friend and engage in banter, perhaps even a little smack talk about the upcoming Running of the Leaves later that year.

Her route back to the house took Applejack close to the old clubhouse and she couldn't resist the chance to drop by and check on her sister and her friends. Applejack always got a little bit of a kick hearing what crazy schemes they were brewing up for getting their cutie marks. As she walked up to the tree where the Crusader's headquarters was perched, Applejack heard Apple Bloom and Scootaloo talking inside. Not wanting to disturb them, she tilted her head and listened in to overhear the latest plan.

"We're never going to figure out about the birds and the bees like this," Apple Bloom grumped.

"Yeah, I can't believe Fluttershy wouldn't talk to me about it. I mean, she's like the perfect mare for that but she just froze up when I asked her," Scootaloo grumbled. "How did you and Twilight make out?"

Applejack froze, her face registering her shock. Surely she hadn't heard that right?

"Well, you know her, everthin' was by the book and all. It was kinda dry at first an' she was usin' too many big words. The drawin's were pretty odd though," Apple Bloom replied. Her features broke into a large grin. "But in the end, it was worth it. I just didn't learn anything we can use."

"Oh well, maybe Sweetie Belle had better luck with Rarity," Scootaloo said with a shrug. "I bet she learned a few things she can teach us."

"Yep, I reckon so. I prolly shoulda gone to see Applejack first, but she was out buckin' the south fields," Apple Bloom agreed. "Were ya able to ever find Rainbow Dash?"

"Finally, but it wasn't easy. It was cool and all talking to her but she just seemed to want to crack jokes. Although, I think she might have a special somepony now," Scootaloo smirked.

"Oh yeah? Who is it?" Apple Bloom asked, wide-eyed.

"Well...I can't be sure, but she was asking if I'd seen Applejack snooping around the barn while she was working out with Big Mac. I can't imagine what they're training for together but she kinda had a look in her eye talking about him," Scootaloo answered.

"Oooh, Rainbow Dash an' my big brother? Now that would be somethin'! An' after all that effort we put into tryin' to get him and Miss Cheerilee together fer Hearts an' Hooves Day." Apple Bloom gushed.

Applejack blinked. That would explain all the noises coming from the barn earlier...

"Well, we have Cheerilee to thank for this mess to begin with," Scootaloo added. "Let's just hope Sweetie Belle got something useful or Cheerilee's going to be pretty disappointed in us."

The sound of approaching hooves snapped Applejack back to the here and now. From her vantage point under the clubhouse, Applejack could see Sweetie Belle trotting up the ramp, a huge smile on her face.

"Hey girls!" Sweetie Belle called out cheerfully as she walked into the clubhouse. "We are so on for earning our cutie marks this afternoon after all!"

"Awesome!" Scootaloo burst out. "So Rarity was able to give you some good stuff on the birds and the bees?"

Sweetie Belle just scoffed. "Hardly! All she could do was give me one of her books from her private collection. It was...special."

Applejack gulped, she knew exactly what tastes Rarity had in that kind of literature.

"But then I went to see Pinkie Pie and she was amazing! She took me to the edge of the Everfree Forest and showed me EVERYTHING! Now we can write up a great report for Miss Cheerilee!" Sweetie Belle beamed.

Applejack's jaw dropped open but she quickly clamped it shut. How could Pinkie do such a thing? Wasting no more time, Applejack dashed from under the clubhouse and up the ramp, barging in through the door much to the surprise of the Crusaders gathered inside.

Gathering her resolve, Applejack tried to put on the most calm expression she could muster and said, "I, ah, I was passing by outside an' couldn't help overhearin'. What was this about Pinkie Pie an' the birds an' the bees?"

"Oh hey, Sis!" Apple Bloom piped up. "I was gonna try an' find ya later, but looks like I don't have to. We're workin' on some homework fer school, we have a report to write about the birds an' the bees an' Sweetie Belle's found out everythin' we need!"

Applejack tried to maintain her composure. "Yep, I heard that. You all want to tell me what's goin' on here?" she asked a little sternly.

"We have to do a report for school tomorrow," Sweetie Belle started.

"And it has to be about nature, so we decided to write it on birds and bees," Apple Bloom added.

"So we figured it would go faster if we asked everypony we knew! And you wouldn't believe some of the answers we've gotten," Scootaloo finished.

Applejack stood there dumbfounded for several moments as it finally dawned on her. Then she started to chuckle. The chuckle grew to a full-blown laugh and before long Applejack was nearly rolling on the floor unable to hold in the guffaws.

"Oh my stars, I shoulda known," Applejack finally said, pulling herself together. "So who all didja ask for help on this here report?"

"I asked Rarity and Pinkie Pie, Apple Bloom talked to Twilight, and Scootaloo asked Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash." Sweetie Belle answered. "So far, only Pinkie was really any help."

"Yeah, we really need to get this written so we can go try and earn our cutie marks," Scootaloo urged. "We're going to be Cutie Mark Crusader Hot Air Balloonists!"

Applejack chuckled again, wiping a tear from her eye with one hoof. "Ya know what? I'll help y'all out with finishin' up your homework an' then I'll see about making a controlled fire so y'all can get access to some actual hot air," Applejack smiled.

"YAY!" Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Apple Bloom chorused, grabbing Applejack in a huge hug. Applejack grinned as she hugged her sister and her friends back. A slightly wicked idea had occurred to her and she needed to drop by Fluttershy's cottage that evening.

The next day, the six friends gathered for their usual weekly picnic. Applejack and Fluttershy had arrived early and set out the picnic blanket and food. Seeing the rest of their friends walking up, Applejack gave Fluttershy a little wink, to which Fluttershy giggled in return.

"Howdy, everypony!" Applejack called out as Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash gathered around the spread that they had laid out.

"Hey AJ, Fluttershy!" Rainbow Dash greeted in return. "That looks amazing, I'm starving!"

"I reckon ya would be, what with all the training yer doin' out at the farm," Applejack noted. "I'm a mite hungry too, after workin' on fixin' all the holes in the barn. Ya can see clear into it from jus' about anywhere. Sure glad Apple Bloom pointed that out." Applejack picked up a fritter and took a bite. "You an' Mac get all the kinks worked out in yer routine this mornin?" Applejack inquired, glancing at Rainbow Dash.

Rainbow Dash's cheeks burned furiously, and she stammered, "Uh, yeah, heh...you could say that. How did you know?"

"Oh, a lil bird told me," Applejack replied. "T'aint none of my beesness anyhow. You were sayin' my sister an' her friends came over last night, Fluttershy?"

"Oh, yes...they did, we had quite an interesting visit," Fluttershy said quietly. "They had so many questions about the birds and the bees. I wasn't sure about it at first, but we had a long talk and I told them everything I could. They really are the quick learners."

Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight each looked up with wide-eyes in surprise.

"But really, the credit should go to Pinkie Pie," Fluttershy added, sipping her tea. "After all, she was the one that took them to the forest and showed them everything."

Three heads swiveled in shock over to look at Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie giggled, catching on quickly. "It was super duper! I showed them everything that Granny Pie had taught me."

Rarity started to swoon, reaching for her fainting couch. Twilight gaped with a look of horror, while Rainbow Dash was looking down at her hooves, blushing brightly.

"Well, all's well that ends well," Applejack chimed in. "I ran into 'em at the clubhouse an' helped them get it all written up for sharin' with their classmates. I'd have asked ya to proofread it Twilight, but they were eager to get out crusadin' afterwards." Applejack took another bite of her fritter and gave Fluttershy a subtle little hoof-bump. She'd set her friends straight eventually but it was too much fun letting them stew. For now, Applejack was content to share a giggle with Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie and finish her fritter as her friends fretted.