The Outlander Survival Guide

by Uberdeathninja

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 2443

When a summoning spell goes wrong, Twilight and a human get stuck on the island of Morrowind.

After a summoning spell goes wrong, Twilight Sparkle and a guy named Dennis get stuck on Morrowind. Between The Ordinators and Cliffracers, Their greatest challenge just might be each other… and Denis's obsession with using Twilight as a meat-shield.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-09 23:41:54 UTC

Prologue

Twilight Sparkle Poured over the summoning ritual instructions and reagents. With everything in place, she began to read over the creature in question. The reagents were very specific for summoning this creature, a 'human', as Lyra called it. Twilight wondered why humans required specific reagents when atronachs had some leniency with it's ritual ingredients. but humans, they required very specific ingredients. From their description, they were very weak, sans a few exceptions.

"Why does such a weak being require such a precise ritual?" Twilight wondered out loud. precise rituals usually meant the desired being was powerful, but these creatures were not. She just had to finish summoning and binding this human for Lyra. What she wanted with a human Twilight could never tell. She placed the precise one pound of brimstone into it's place in the southern circle.

She had precisely one pound of water, not counting the bowl, in the northern circle, a precise pound of sandstone in the east, and another precise pound of eagle feathers. She had read that in order to summon a human, one had to use four precisely one and a half foot circles filled with these reagents in exactly one pound of each also connected in a circle with a precisely three foot circle in the center. It was to be connected to the reagent circles by arrows that just touched the reagents' circles, with four more arrows of perfectly equal length exactly forty five degrees from the first four arrows. While weighing the reagents, if the needle was not precisely on the scale's notch, the ritual would be doomed to fail, and the weight of any containers were not to be counted towards the weight of the reagents. She had measured and remeasured the reagents except for the center circle's which was just a pile of dust which the ritual said specifically to be unmeasured in any way, placed in the center of the summoning circle. The entire ritual drawing had to be precisely aligned with the compass.

She checked off the last item on the checklist and made sure the ritual drawing was precise enough for the book's liking. After checking her measurements again, she placed herself on the north arrow, careful not to disrupt it. She levitated the book in front of her to read for any hazards. She found none other than there was a risk of getting pulled though the rift between worlds by the human being summoned and into their world instead. Twilight thought this to be a beginners warning, and disregarded it as she put the book on the shelf. She had summoned much more powerful creatures than this, so how would it be any different? Twilight pictured a human based on the accurate and detailed description Lyra gave her. She channeled magic from her horn to the summoning reagents. The dust lifted into the air and quickly became a raging maelstrom. Twilight felt the human and began to pull it to her world.

Meanwhile, Denis awoke to the feeling of someone, or more accurately, something, attempting to pull his very being across space and time. He immediately got out of bed and got dressed as he mentally tried to drag what ever the hell woke him up over to his end of the rope. He was already dressed in a plain red T-shirt and Jeans when the pull got stronger. It pulled, he pulled back. On her end, Twilight put more effort, into her struggle to pull the human over to her side of the rift, but as of right now, she was struggling just to avoid being pulled over herself. Why was it so hard to pull a less than petty creature from across the rift? With any summoning this kind of risk existed, But not even atronachs pulled this hard! She and Denis put all their wills into two simultaneous, final, powerful pulls. Neither contestants could hold on any longer and both were pulled to a halfway point... Mundus.

Meanwhile

Denis lay on the ground, dreaming about some kind of split-jawed alien in crimson-ish armor placing some kind of crimson bracer on his wrist. The thing looked like it belong to this alien's armor. Said alien also had four finger per hand, and blue, glowing lines on it's armor. It spoke in what he could only assume was it's native language. It turned and faded into the black, leaving some kind of pistol behind. Denis inspected the odd gun. He gave it a test shot, A green bolt hit a target he made up, which, in turn, melted. he held the trigger and the bolt charged. When he released the trigger, the unstable bolt released an EMP on impact. After testing the gun he woke up In the wilderness. In his hand, The same gun he just dreamed about, and on his other arm, The bracer. No sign of ol' Split-lip, though. Denis got up and looked around, he saw nothing but giant mushrooms and maybe a rat of some kind out in the distance. He didn't feel alone though. He turned around and found some kind of tiny purple unicorn. he thought maybe it was part of the local wildlife and disregarded it's presence. He clenched his fist, and immediately a three foot energy blade shot out of his bracer. The creature in the clearing with him stirred as the blade was activated.

"Ugh. Where am I?" Twilight asked as she held her throbbing head.

"Holy Shit!" Denis shouted as he fell back wards and crab-walked into a rock. Twilight screamed and did the same as she saw the poor human. They both calmed down as they both saw each other's terror. "Where am I?" Denis asked.

"I don't know, aren't we in Your world?" Twilight asked.

"Last I checked, My world didn't have, GIANT, fucking, MUSHROOMS!" Denis said forcefully.

"Wait, If we aren't in your world, then where are we?" Twilight asked.

"Do I look like I have a god damn clue?" Denis retorted.

"Well we have to be somewhere." Twilight said.

"Well bitching among ourselves isn't going to get us answers." Denis said.

"Right. First, we need to find shelter. There might be a cave near by. Next, we will need water. This place looks like it gets a lot of rainfall, so we don't have to worry too much about that. Finally, we need to forage for food. I can see if there are any edible plants nearby." Twilight said.

"That's all well and good, but I can't eat many plants." Denis said.

"You're right, I don't think you can eat plants. Maybe we'll find some gems for you to eat." Twilight said.

"I can't eat gems." Denis retorted.

"What? What do you eat then?" Twilight said.

"Meat, berries, certain leaves." Denis said. Twilight paled at this new information. This meant if he got hungry, he could eat her if he wanted to.

"I personally consider eating anything sentient cannibalism, and where I come from, that's wrong." Denis replied.

"Ah..." Twilight said, relieved.

"But make no mistake, pony. From this point on, you're my meat shield." Denis said finally, his tone threatening death for disobedience.

"What!? Why me?" Twilight cried.

Because you pulled me into this mess in the first place! Now, come on, horse. We're going this way." Denis commanded, pointing towards a high ridge.

"What, you mean climb? Thanks, but no thanks, I think I'll rough it in my own direction, human." Twilight said, turning to the opposite direction.

"suit yourself, feedbag." Denis replied, shrugging, then heading off to the ridge. Suddenly, a low, menacing growl sounded, and Twilight screamed, causing Denis to look back. Indeed, three Large, bug-like hound creatures surrounded Twilight, ready to chow down on the little unicorn.

"E-Easy there... No need for violence..." She pleaded, but the creatures paid her no mind. One leaped for her, and pinned her. Blasting the odd life form away with a force spell, she then got up and ran to Denis, who was watching. The other two creatures picked up the first one, and ran after her, stopping short of Denis, whom Twilight now hid behind. The creatures paced in an attempt to circle him, but Denis flashed his blade, and the strange creatures backed off. After waving his blade and yelling some more, Damien succeeded in driving off the chitinous monstrosities.

"W-what were t-those things!?" Twilight asked, terrified at such otherworldly beasts.

"Hell if I know. You comin' with me, now, or are you still going that way?" Denis asked.

The choice was obvious. And together, they climbed the hills, hoping to find some kind of civilization.

On the road.

Twilight and Denis walked in agonizing silence for what felt like an eternity for twilight. Finally Twilight decided to break the silence.

"So... What's your name?" She inquired.

"Denis." Denis said.

"My name's Twilight Sparkle." Twilight said.

"Twilight? That was a horrible Book and an even worse movie." Denis said.

"What's a movie?" Twilight asked.

"Nothing." Denis said.

"Come on. You can tell me." Twilight said.

"I can, but I won't." Denis retorted.

"Is this going to be a recurring thing with you?" Twilight asked flatly.

"Yes." Denis said.

"This is going to be a long- AHH!" Twilight tripped and fell face-first onto a road.

"Way to use your head." Denis snickered.

"Not funny Denis." Twilight chastised.

"It was to me." Denis replied.

"Well, which way do we go?" Twilight pondered. She was observing the visible stretch of road.

"Well Pelagiad sounds like a nice place." Denis said. Reading a sign twilight didn't see.

"We're not in your world any more, remember?" Twilight said flatly.

"I Know. I never heard of it till I read this sign. It says it's that way." Denis pointed off in the direction of 'Pelagiad'. Twilight saw the sign.

"Oh. Well, let's go then." Twilight said. And so the outlanders two left for Pelagiad. For three minutes they walked along the road. The sun began to set. The duo decided to sleep on the ground in shifts. Twilight got first watch.

"Must'ave been later than I thought." Denis said with a yawn.

"Good night." Denis continued.

"Good night." Twilight said. She kept watch for anything threatening. nothing happened during her shift and so she woke Denis and let him know she was going to bed. He took his shift and fell asleep barely a minute after twilight. He woke the following morning. Twilight decided to break the silence as they walked back to the road.

"So, I'm thinking about getting a star chart when we arrive." Twilight said.

"I don't think they'll have star charts." Denis said as the town came into sight.

"Why not? Doesn't every civilization have one?" Twilight asked.

"Not really. Only advanced maritime civilizations have them." Denis said. In all honesty, he was just trying to sound smart.

"Really? I don't believe that." Twilight wasn't convinced.

"Just take my word for it, I don't think they'll have star charts. If they do, they won't be for sale." Denis said. They two arrived at the edge of town. immediately two guards walked up to the odd pair. The first one spoke:

"No conjured daedra allowed within limits of any town, citizen. We'll have to asked you to unsummon this... Thing... What ever it is." The first guard said.

"It looks like some kind of tiny, colorful horse." The second guard noted.

"Sorry, it's... Uhh... Bound... to... this thing on my wrist... Yeah, that's it." Denis said.

"I see." The first guard said. In truth, they didn't look to convinced.

"I've heard of something like this happening once, so maybe it's true." The second guard said, eyeing Twilight suspiciously.

"Well, can you remove it?" The first guard said to Denis.

"No. I think it's cursed." Denis said shaking the bracer, and the guards nod slowly.

"Well, just make sure that thing doesn't eat anyone. Good day, citizen." The guard says, and both of them turn around to administer justice elsewhere.

"That was close!" Twilight said.

"Not really." Denis replied, agitation present in his voice.

"So, where do we go from here?" Twilight asked.

"I don't know. What am I, your keeper?" Denis asked, causing Twilight to turn red.

"I just want to go home! Why are you such a jerk?" She demanded.

"Me?! You're the one who tried to summon me, you bitch!" Denis yells.

"I would have sent you back!" Twilight retorted.

"I didn't want to go in the first place! You know what, you find your OWN way back, I'm going to the tavern." Denis said, leaving Twilight in the street.

"Wait, what am I supposed to do?" She asked, but Denis didn't stop.

"Not my problem!" He called, and vanished into a large, tavern-esque building. Twilight just sat there, stunned. She felt like she really screwed up, this time.

"Ugh, I'd better apologize..." She finally said, after some thought, and and headed down the road to where Denis had taken off to. As soon as she entered the tavern, the smell of uncleanliness and booze hit her like a freight train, and she stumbled back, unable to handle it. However, After a brief search, she soon found Denis chugging something awful-smelling from a tan jug. As soon as he finished, he belched.

"So THAT'S what sujjama tastes like." he said, then noticed a particular short, purple nuisance beside him.

"What do you want?" he asked flatly.

"I just want to apologize. I don't want to go out there alone, and you're the only one who can help me get home." She begged.

"And why would I help you? What would I get from it?" Denis asked, getting another tan jug.

"If you help me, I will send you back home, no tricks or complications." She responded, and Denis chugged his booze, and got up.

"Well, then let's get going, horse!" Denis says, and Twilight reels back in shock.

"W-what? just like that?" She asked, stunned. Denis, however, just chuckles.

"Of course. If anyone can get me home, it's you." Denis says, smiling. Twilight smiles too, until he says something else:

"Plus, I need you to conjure me up some gold. These guys don't do tabs." He said, causing Twilight to groan, then summon ten gold coins.

And so, with that, Our heroes venture into the unknown, not knowing that their presence here may be a sign of greater things to come. But what might they be? Who will they meet along the way? The mystery remains, as our two heroes go where neither of their kin have ever gone before... Into the mystical world of Morrowind!