What You Don't Know

Chapter 22--Let’s Make Booze

Soon-to-be-knight’s log. Stardate: 6283182983730.3051. Layman's date: September 24th, 6,283,185,306 at about 7 in the morning. I find that if I keep track of when I do certain things, it helps me keep my sanity. Since the Running of the Leaves lasted all day, we had to wait until the next day to start making the applejack. Luckily, I had already gotten the yeast and made the starter that evening so it was ready to start by the next day. You may be thinking that I already know how alcohol affects ponies from the night of my birthday with Fluttershy but since I had gotten drunk with her, I don’t really remember the results. In any case, it was best that I took note of the effects while I was sober.

“Alright,” I said. “Do we have everything?”

“A ton of Sweet Apple Acres finest apple cider, a large mug, a stove, four pots, a bunch of honey, a few bags of brown sugar, four buckets and lids that look like they’ve been sanitized, four large spoons, and whatever is in those containers you got. What’s all this for?” Dash asked.

“Well, since you’ve already agreed to help, I guess I can tell you what we’re doing. We’re making alcohol.”

“Isn’t that illegal?”

“Yeah, what’s your point?”

“Wouldn’t you get in trouble?”

“Nah, I got Celestia wrapped around my finger so tight she doesn’t even know it. She won’t care what I do as long as it doesn’t endanger anyone, which is what we’ll be testing today.”

“Alright, well how do we make alcohol?”

“To make pure alcohol, I have no idea, but I do know how to make hard cider and applejack.”

“What are those?”

“Hard cider is cider that has been made alcoholic. Applejack is the next stage when the cider is frozen and the alcohol content is boosted.”

“An’ we’re makin’ both?” AJ asked.

“I don’t see why not. We need the cider for the jack anyways,” I said.

“Well, let’s get started then. What do we do first?”

“Well, I have four gallon-size starters. We’re gonna make three different types of cider and one batch of jack. So we’ll end up with a honey apple cider, a brown sugar apple cider, a straight apple cider, and an applejack. Step one, we pour an equal amount of the starters into the four pots.” They helped me with that process as we poured a gallon of starter into each pot. “Now we simmer them over medium heat for about 45 minutes. Two of them will need the honey or brown sugar added after a little bit but for now, we wait.”

We waited as the yeast simmered out, adding the honey and brown sugar after a few minutes and just making sure the product didn’t boil. After the 45 minutes was up, we turned off the heat and began brewing.

“Now, we pour about five gallons of the freshly made apple cider into each of the buckets.” That was done. “Add the starters.” Check. “Stir it up a bit.” Done. “Seal them with the lids and store them in a cool room at about 60° for about three weeks.”

“Three weeks? Well then why did I need to help? I thought I was just the test subject,” Dash said.

“Yeah, but I thought you might want to know what we’re giving you before the test,” I told her.

“Alright, fine. Let me know in three weeks when it’s ready.”

After about three weeks, in which time not much happened, the cider looked ready. We put one of the straight ciders in the freezer so it could distill and waited until that evening to start the test because I wanted a better atmosphere for drinking. We called Rainbow Dash back down to the farm to begin testing the effects.

“So, how’s this gonna work, am I just gonna down it until you tell me to stop?” she asked.

“Well, since we have three different kinds of cider, I was thinking we’d start with a mug of each and then you can keep drinking from whichever you prefer until I say that you’re drunk enough.”

“What’s ‘drunk?’”

“You’ll find out soon enough. AJ, ready a mug of the straight cider.” She did so while I pulled out my notepad and a pencil to note the effects. I handed the mug to Dash and said, “First test: straight hard apple cider with no additives. Drink this and describe how you feel.”

She down the drink in a few quick gulps. “It’s a little bitter,” she said.

“Yeah, but you get used to it after a few drinks. How do you feel?”

“Right now I don’t feel much different.”

“Wait a few minutes and it should kick in then. About ten minutes should do it.” Ten minutes later, I asked again how she felt.

“Ha dwI fel? I fel lock ahm ‘n toppa the world!”

“Slurred speech and apparent jovialness. She’s officially drunk. I guess it only takes one drink. I forgot how strong hard cider is. Well, she still needs to have a mug of the other two. Wanna see how drunk we can get her?”

“Sounds a bit dangerous, are ya sure this was a good idea?” AJ asked.

“Too late to go back now. The only way to go is forward.”

“Well, alrighty then. Let’s give ‘er the honey one next.” We filled the mug with the honey cider and gave it back to Dash. “Second test even though the first test was rather conclusive: hard apple cider with honey added.” She drank it and I walked back to the buckets where the rest of the cider was kept. After another ten minutes, I went back over to her to assess the damage.

“Síor, how’d ya ge’ tover her so fust? An’ how’reyou flyin’?” she asked. She wasn’t actually flying but she was flapping her wings very out of sync as though she were trying to fly.

“It’s a human trick. Don’t tell anyone, it’s my trump card.” I love messing with drunk people. “Do you think you can handle one more drink?”

“Ahm the bestat doin’ anuthen’. Gimme anotha one.”

I walked back to the barrels to tell AJ the results. “Visual impairment and a loss of depth perception are prevalent as well as delusional fantasies. Final test: hard apple cider with brown sugar added.” I filled the mug full one last time and brought it back to Dash right when she ‘landed.’ Of course this ‘landing’ caused her to stumble and fall flat on her face. I handed her the drink and waited for it to settle in before assessing her drunkenness. “Alright, let’s do some quick tests. Can you try walking in a straight line, one hoof directly in front of the next?” She took one step and somehow landed on her back. “Alright. Can you count backwards from 64 to 37?”

“64, 63, 61, 60, 49, 48, 47, 46, 43, 42, 41, 40, 41, 42, 43, 39, 38, 37.”

“That would be a no. Starting with G, recite the alphabet.”

“G, F, I, J, K, L, O, P, Q, S, T, W, X, and Z.”

“And finally, I’d like you to follow my pencil with your eyes.” I held my pencil up and moved it left, right, up down, etc. Her eyes would sometimes become fixed in a specific position possibly focussing on something behind where the pencil was and then she would go back to watching the pen. At one point she was looking elsewhere but she still kept moving her eyes. “Alright, I got what I needed. Congratulations, you are officially as drunk as I feel safe getting you.”

“Woohoo! Wha dwI win?”

“You win a place to sleep because there’s no way you’re getting home in that condition. Stay here while I talk to AJ.” I walked back to the farmer and said, “Well, she’s now as drunk as she can be without becoming life-threatening.”

“So now what?” she asked.

“Well, alcohol tends to lower inhibitions. If you know any stallions looking to get lucky, you could sic them on her and let them have their way.”

“Well, I would let Big Mac try, but I don’t really think he’d be up fer it. What about you? I heard you were making some new friends ‘round here. Do you have anypony in mind?”

“Now that you mention it, there is something I’d like to try. Stay here and don’t let Dash fall asleep or it’ll ruin the whole thing.” I quickly ran to the library.

“Hey Síor, is your experiment done?” Spike asked when I burst through the door.

“Not quite but I need Pyra to help me with the next part.”

“What do you need Pyra for?”

“Long story. I’ll tell you when you’re older.” I got to mine and Pyra’s room and upon not seeing her there, looked towards the door to Qene’s room where one of my socks was hanging on the doorknob like I had taught her to do if they were having sex. I didn’t hear any of the obvious noises associated with sex so I knocked on the door and waited for an answer.

After a couple minutes, Mim answered. Her mane was rather messy and she had a strong smell of sex on her. “Hey Síor,” she said. “What did you need?”

“I was wondering if I could borrow you for a second.”

“I was wondering when you would finally see the usefulness of a lust-craving changeling.”

“This isn’t for me but I will need your sexual prowess for this.”

“Oh? I never took you for a voyeur, Síor.”

“I’m not-- Just put your disguise on and follow me.” She did so and I led her out of the library. Spike gave us a strange look as we walked out, probably because he could smell the sex on Pyra but whatever.

We got back to the farm where Rainbow was still obviously drunk as she was trying to fly again and AJ was by the barrels trying not to laugh to hard. When she saw us she tried to stifle her laugh so she could talk to us. “Yer back. An’ ya brought Pyra. What’s this all about, Síor?” she asked.

“Applejack, can I trust you?” I asked her.

“Of course ya can.”

“If I tell you this secret, will you promise not to tell anyone? Not your friends. Not your family. Not even the princesses.”

“Yer kinda scarin’ me Síor but I’d never abandon a friend’s trust. What’s this secret o’ yours.”

I nodded at Pyra and she transformed back into Mim. “This is Mim. She’s a changeling.”

“A changeling? Heavens to Betsy! How in tarnation did you get a changeling?”

“Remember when we went to Appleoosa and I was gone most of the time? Yeah, I got kidnapped by buffalo one of whom was a changeling who took me to the changeling hive where I met with the queen who basically gave me her maid.”

“Well, I’ll be damned! So how’s she gonna help us with this experiment?”

“Mim, if I understand correctly, you are able to grow a dick if you so desire.”

“That is true. Where are you going with this? she asked.

“You see Rainbow over there?” She nodded. “She’s drunker than a Roman during the Festival of Dionysus.”

“What?”

“Nevermind. Point is: being drunk lowers inhibitions so she’d probably be willing to do whatever kinky things you want to do.”

“So, you want me to have sex with her?”

“Or at least try.”

“Do or do not. There is no try.”

“How can you possibly know that line?”

“What line? All I’m saying is that you either have sex or you don’t.”

“Right. Go forth and multiply then. Actually, I’d prefer that you didn’t multiply, I’m not sure how I’d explain to Dash how she got pregnant. Wait, can you even produce sperm?”

“Being born a mare, I cannot.”

“Makes sense. Now, enough chitchat. Go fuck her before the booze wears off. We’ll be waiting over here. Come find us when you’re done.” She went over to Dash to do her thing. AJ and I hid behind a bush while that happened. Time passed and Mim came behind the bush. “Well?” I asked.

“You were right about lowered inhibitions, but you were wrong about needing a dick,” she explained.

“Well, that’s an interesting turn of events. How is she?”

“She passed out shortly after we finished. If you’re done with me, I’ll be heading back home.”

“Unless Applejack wants her turn, you’re free to go.”

“Thanks fer the offer, but I’m good,” AJ said.

“Suit yourself.” Mim transformed back into Pyra and left. “We should probably get Dash inside, it’s starting to get cold.”

We went over to Rainbow to find her passed out drunk and flat on her face. We each took an end as we carried her into the farmhouse. I had already told Twilight that I would probably be sleeping there for the night because I expected the experiment to end up this way. Besides, I should probably make sure she’s ok in the morning. After a few weeks, the applejack was finally ready. Having already tested the effect of alcohol on ponies we decided to just have a mild celebration. AJ was happy to have the recipe for the cider, though, because apparently cider season was coming up soon and she wanted a new twist to sell. I made sure that I would get a cut of the profits since it was my idea. After doubling the price of regular cider, she agreed to let me have half of the proceeds.

“Just remember, I don’t want to sell the hard cider to any young ones. A customer must be older than the youngest member of your friend group to have alcohol,” I told her.

“Not a problem, Síor. I wouldn’t want anypony Applebloom’s age havin’ any o’ that happenin’ to them.”

“Good.” After our small celebration, I went home and prepared myself for another day in Ponyland.

A message from the wonderful lord of chaos.

Hello, my glorious Nachos. It’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. You’ll be pleased to hear that I have selected someone to be my new spy. The best part is, no one, not even Síor, will suspect a thing. And more good news: I should be making my escape from this stone prison very soon. You all have been very patient and loyal to your master and I will reward you all once my plan is complete. Until then, may the chaos be with you.