Dark Secrets: Revealed
Celestia
Love is a strange thing...it can feel so blissful...and yet it can also feel so painful.
Others look at me with a myriad of expressions. Fear, jealousy, happiness, bliss, respect...in the course of my long, immortal life, I've seen many things, good and bad alike. I've did many things, even though it might not always end up to be the right thing to do. But I've not loved a single pony. Not with my whole heart. I might be the beloved ruler of Equestria, the goddess of the Sun, the mighty solar princess, but I will always be lonely. And I have accepted this, as a price to pay for my immortality. To live than to love.
I am not perfect. I have did many wrongs, many mistakes, and some of them can never be undone. But I still go on. Life has to continue. My whole life I have been burdened with the responsibility of ruling Equestria, and I can envision that it will not end soon.
This is why...this is why I feel this way...I've begun to fall in love. But this time I feel so sick of myself. It is not wrong to love, but this...this is insanity. Of all the ponies in the world...why? Why can't I help but fall so madly in love with Discord? I don't know why, I don't know how, but somehow I have begun to fall in love with my arch-nemesis. I can't help but think of him very night, in my dreams. I know he hasn't changed, that he still wants to cause chaos to Equestria, so why do I feel this urge to free him from his petrification? To see him once more, to feel him, to hear his mad yet enchanting voice...
This is my secret.
This is what has been relentlessly plaguing my mind.
This is the dark secret of Princess Celestia.
Love is pure, love is straightforward, but sometimes it presents itself in situations awkward.
Every time I walk into the private garden, his statue greets me, looking down at me as if it could move. I know deep inside, he is still very much alive. And very much active. His prison of stone has confined his body, but not his mind. He has been reaching out with it, and fatefully winding up in my dreams...He taunts me, laughs at me, but there is this underlying tone of sadness to his voice that I just can't put a hoof on. In my dreams, he always stares at me with a scornful and distasteful look, but his eyes have betrayed him. There's just so much sadness in him that even I can't describe it. And it kills me...because in all my life, I've never felt so confused and unknowing before. If anyone was to be sad, it wouldn't be Discord. He never seemed to be sad. Not even for a second. So why now?
I should be happy, shouldn't I? To know something is plaguing my enemy, giving Discord a taste of his own medicine. But I don't feel this way. Instead I feel curious, because if there was something that could change Discord...it was huge. And most importantly, as I had shockingly came to realize, that I cared for him. A god of chaos who had tried to doom Equestria.
I don't know anymore...I have this strong, irresistible urge to help him. I want to see him again. Not in my dreams, but in reality. With my own eyes. But then...there is no chance for him ever again. I have freed him once, and 'reformed' him...but somepony, or in this case Discord...they never change. Old habits are hard to kick. Me, my sister and Twilight Sparkle and her friends were forced to subdue him again, trapping him yet again in a state of petrification. But this time, his imprisonment was till the end of time. I can't free him, or give him another chance. He had blew off his second chance, and there will be no third one.
He's driving me crazy every night...I can't sleep well, and I lose my appetite every day. I'm gradually growing weaker...maybe this is his plan. To weaken me slowly, every night, until I no longer can take it.
Then he is succeeding.
Even Luna can't get rid of him in my dreams. I am stuck with him for the rest of my nights. With him, I can't even stop dreaming, and I wake up every night drenched in my own sweat. The most horrible part about this is that I have started to welcome him into my dreams. He has this peculiar way of using his wit and humor to make everything seem so much more interesting and lively, and it does take away some of my troubles. But it then replaces it with something worse...a strong connection for him. Rarely, but getting more often by the nights, he converses with me. Not to taunt me or to mock me, but to just talk to each other, about things...
Things that had happened, things that could have been...
And it is during those moments that I warmed up to him. He is not as cruel and evil as thought out to be. He just wants company that can tolerate him, friends...He does know he's a bad guy, and creates much problems every time he appears. But it is not in his nature to not be chaotic, and he cannot help but keep to his namesake, causing chaos and discord in his wake. So unsurprisingly, he is without friends, and he is lonely. Just like me. But I fared better...at least I had friends, and my sister to support me. Discord? He had nopony to guide him through his life, nothing to turn him over to a new leaf. I can understand why he chose this path down his life. It is always easier to resort to evil than to good.
I have no right to judge him. Nor does anypony. He has suffered through his life, and has gone through things that were horrible and scary, even by his standards. His life was scarred, making him bitter. And so, I actually feel sorry for him...I always had. But this time, it looks like I might have taken it too far...
I've begun to love him. My heart is telling me to accept it, but my mind tells me this is sick and disgusting.
I think my heart is winning, because...
The most recent night I had, I dreamed about him, as usual, but...
But...
...
As in all the dreams she had been in, this was the same- A pitch black void of nothingness, and she was unsure whether she was even standing on solid ground. It was just darkness everywhere she looked. But as expected, the world started to turn brighter, albeit just a little, but just enough to see Discord in the distance, slowly taking his time to approach her.
"You again. Why am I not surprised?" Celestia muttered, her eyes rolling.
Discord smiled, curling up beside her, who looked at him with annoyance. Noticing this, he gave a wink at her, his enchanting gaze catching hold of Celestia's attention.
"Were you expecting somepony else?" He gave a triumphant smirk, knowing that he could visit her in her dreams anytime he wished to, just to pester and annoy her. It was a way to relief his boredom, after all. Being imprisoned in stone was boring. Really, really boring.
"I was expecting my sister to bust in and throw you out."
"Not really working to your plans, hmm?"
"It will happen soon. My sister might be weaker than you, but she is the most familiar with dreams." Celestia merely stated, her eyes fixed on him, staring at him with determination.
"Oh, I'm sure that will happen." He laughed, his grin growing impossibly wide. "With Nightmare Moon in her. Maybe I should visit her dreams instead-"
"You will not." Celestia gave a cold stare, one which would have unnerved or even frightened ponies, but for Discord...
"Oooh, look who's angry." Discord poked Celestia playfully, and she felt herself instantly annoyed and angry, but then she could also feel her heartbeat increasing, her breathing shallower and more rapid..."Don't worry, you're more fun than your sister. You do have a higher threshold for me."
"A month of you in my dreams does make your antics less bothersome, I assure you."
"I guess that's true. I miss the first night when you freaked out just a little bit. It was entertaining to watch."
Celestia could not help as her cheeks grew red. Admittedly, the first night she had panicked, and well...her attempts were unsuccessful, to say the least. Even when Discord told her she couldn't escape, she just had to try, which made for a spectacular show for him.
"I...I was shocked." Celestia muttered, not daring to look at Discord.
"Very unusual for an uninvited guest to pop up in your dreams." Discord smiled yet again, but it could not hide the fact that his voice had taken on a somber tone.
Celestia turned her head towards him, glimpsing the rare sight of Discord frowning, his smile turning upside down. He hadn't realized that she was staring at him, and his eyes wandered off into the distance.
"I am genuinely curious- during the last few nights, you've been feeling down on something...that's very unlike you, Discord."
"Now look who's caring for Discord." He snorted, his eyes fiery as he gave a menacing glance at her.
However she was unfazed, because she really was curious. It was unlike Discord to be like this, to feel this way at all.
"Haven't you noticed it yourself? There's something bothering you."
"Of course I have! It's my mind!" Discord shouted exasperatingly. "Why would I not know what's bothering me?"
"Would you care to share it?" Celestia asked in a soothing tone. Friend or foe, she just had this weakness of caring for anypony. Even if the one in question was one who had tried to make Ponyville into a 'chaos capital'.
"I..." Discord was momentarily lost for words and looked down at her, and she could see sadness in his eyes.
"I might be able to help."
"Why would you help me? I've been trying to destroy Equestria for as long as I could remember. The last time, you came close to being killed. Just to let you know."
"Because nopony is totally evil, Discord. Not even you." Celestia placed her hoof on the draconequus' shoulder, trying to persuade him to spill the beans. "There's good in you, no matter how much you deny it."
"I deny it."
"You are optimistic and cheerful-"
"Or a sadistic creep who enjoys seeing his enemies struggle in vain."
Celestia facehoofed, and looked at Discord annoyingly. "Could you try to not interrupt me?"
"Sure, ma'am." Discord taunted.
"Remember? You told me before, that all you wanted was friends...somepony to accompany you. Your intentions were good, even if your actions weren't."
Discord sighed. There was no way he was going to win the argument, because deep down he knew it was the truth. At least partly. "Fine, maybe there's good inside me. So? It's not like anypony will believe me. They'll still think I'm this crazed maniac trying to rule the world...and trust me, I still am."
"You never cared for anypony else, so why would you be concerned about how they feel?"
"Uh, thanks?"
"You will make the choices for yourself. You will carve out your own future. Not anypony else. At the end of the day, you will decide your own fate. Not others."
"Funny how it works, when you have to listen to your subjects on how to live and rule." Discord snorted, but instantly he felt terrible. Here Celestia was trying to help him, and he was this ignorant and selfish jerk who tried to butt in and give sarcastic remarks here and there. But he couldn't help it even if he wanted to. It had become an automatic reaction for him.
Celestia looked hurt, and she glanced up at Discord, her eyes watery with tears that threatened to burst out any second.
"Do you think I want to? I hate it. I have to rule according to how my subjects want. I have to live a mundane life assigned by them- I wake up, I do my 'royal duties', meet up with others for my appointments, negotiate peace treaties, getting rid of any external threats...you know how much it weighs on me? Every, single day of my life, I know whatever things I do, it will eventually affect the entire fate of Equestria. A thousand years ago, I was too engrossed in my duties to actually take care and listen out for my dear Luna. And I paid for it with a thousand years of utter loneliness. Just yesterday, somepony tried to blow up the school with his magic. If I hadn't stepped up security, dozens of innocent fillies would have perished. If I had just let all my suspicions go, the school would have been a pile of charred rubble."
"Nighttime is the only time I get for myself, but then everypony's asleep, and there's not much to do except to follow them. And this month you've been invading into my dreams, and I haven't have had a peaceful sleep for thirty days straight! You don't know how much I wish to be you, without a care in the world. Because at least you have freedom to do the things you want to. Me? I am forever confined to the life my subjects have given me. I hate all of this. I really do. I-"
Celestia collapsed, her tears streaming out of her eyes as her body racked with uncontrollable sobs. It had all been the truth. She had always wanted to say all this, to reveal what her heart felt...but never would she expect to tell it in front of her arch nemesis. But neither had she expected the reply.
"I'm sorry." Was all Discord could manage, because it was the first time ever that he was apologizing sincerely. And he didn't know how to really express his feelings well either, and he looked at Celestia with sadness and hatred for himself.
He picked Celestia up in one swift motion, and they locked eyes for a spit second before Discord lunged in for a passionate kiss, and the world exploded, darkness shrouding Celestia's vision...
And she woke up, sweat beading from her face. But it wasn't just that.
As she used her hoof to wipe her face, she felt fresh, hot tears flowing down her face.
She had cried in her sleep.
This night, I've been waiting for him to come to my dreams, to explain at least, what that was all about. Because I wanted to know, if it was just to console me...
Or it was because he truly loved me.
He hasn't come yet, and I fear that he might never return. Secretly, I do miss him. In reality. In my dreams. I miss his presence, his alluring voice, his unique appearance, but mostly because we understand each other. I daresay even more than my sister. And I haven't figured out what's bothering him so much...I might never see him again, not after what happened last night. But I just wish, at least, to see him once more...
And the next kiss is going to be by me.