A doorknob is a knob on a door!
Hello kids, and welcome back! I hope you are having a good day, and thank you for reading another of our books! We’ll learn and have fun at the same time, as per usual!
Today’s fun and educational adventure is set in the town of Ponyville. Isn’t it wonderful? And who is our protagonist, you may ask? Well, meet Twilight Sparkle, the alicorn princess! Hello, Twilight Sparkle!
We are going to follow her in one of her days to learn a lot of fun things! How are you, Twilight Sparkle?
“I sure do love licking doorknobs!” Twilight Sparkle said, licking the doorknob of her library. “They taste like wood and shame!”
Oh, Twilight. You’re such an idiot. No wonders everybody hates you.
Twilight Sparkle lived in the little and beautiful town of Ponyville, and she was the librarian! She really loved reading books, because she could learn a lot of things from them, and learning, as you all know, is very fun! She lived with his pet and assistant Spike, and had a lot of friends, but nobody ever gave a diddlysquat about them, so I’m not going to talk about that bunch of imbeciles.
At the moment this story starts, Twilight Sparkle was still licking that doorknob, because when you’re such a half-wit you don’t know better. But then she noticed that the taste of her doorknob was horrible! Oh, no!
But do not worry about Twilight Sparkle, kids! She realized that the taste of wood and shame reminded her of how worthless and pathetic her existence was and how disappointed she was in life and the universe in general, so she stopped licking that doorknob. But why was she licking that doorknob in the first place, you say?
“Because I sure do love licking doorknobs!”
And this thing you’re feeling right now, kids, is a mixture of a couple things called pity and embarrassment! Be sure to remember them, because you may be doomed to a life of self-pity and social anxiety!
Twilight wanted to get that horrible taste out of her mouth, so she decided to go to Sweet Apple Acres to eat an apple.
“I don’t like this flavor anymore. I’ll go to Sweet Apple Acres to eat an apple!” Twilight said.
Why, yes, we already know that, Twilight. You dumb flub.
Twilight Sparkle then teleported to Sweet Apple Acres. Sweet Apple Acres was a huge farm that harvested apples! Apples are delicious and healthy fruits, and you should eat at least one a day! But don’t eat too many apples, or you’ll end up being a redneck with no teeth, brain, or ability to tell a goat from a lover!
Why, speaking of the devil, meet Applejack, the pony Twilight just ran into! Applejack is a farmer pony and I don’t want to keep on describing her because I already established I don’t give a hoot about her or any pony that’s not Twilight Sparkle. They’re all a bunch of eejits.
“Howdy, Twilight!” said Applejack, waving her hat because she was determined to be as stereotypical as possible. Yes, she had a hat. No, you shouldn’t care either, kids. “How are ya doing?”
“Oh, Applejack, I licked a doorknob and now my tongue tastes like lost innocence and children crying,” replied Twilight while staring awkwardly into space because her social skills were similar to those of an ameba. “Can I take one apple from you to wash away my sorrows in its sweet and homely flavor?”
“Sure, sugarcube!” said Applejack, demonstrating once again her inability to tell mammals from carbohydrates. “Here at Sweet Apple Acres we harvest all the apples in Ponyville!”
Then, she walked to a tree that was nearby. Apples grow on trees, kids, and Applejack wanted to get one for her friend. Applejack’s whole life and existence was dedicated to those red fruits, mostly because her name had the word “apple” in it due to her parents being cruel and heartless.
But she couldn’t get the apple, because Twilight was faster than her. “Oh, don’t worry,” the alicorn princess said, still staring awkwardly into space because when you’re good at something you should never stop doing it. “I can get it on my own with my magic!”
And then, Twilight’s horn started to shine and one single apple from the tree nearby floated to Twilight’s face. That’s because alicorns and unicorns have magic, kids! But not earth ponies or pegasus. Only ponies with horns. This, kids, is called natural selection, and it’s the main reason why at some point every pony that’s not an unicorn will die a horrible death due to their lack of thumbs or magic.
Applejack noticed this and turned to Twilight. Any sharp-eyed bystander would have noticed she was frowning. Or maybe not, because her face was so filled with freckles that normal ponies’ eyes burst into flames after looking at Applejack for more than thirty seconds. You may think, kids, that this is the reason why Twilight Sparkle was staring awkwardly into space, but you would be wrong. She was doing so because she’s an idiot.
But Applejack, knowing that nopony could ever realize she was frowning, chose to speak, which is always a bad thing to do when you don’t have anything interesting to say, as it was always the case with Applejack. “You alicorns and your fancy magic,” she said. “Is there anything you can’t do with it?”
This, kids, is called jealousy, by the way. Get used to it, as you’re going to suffer it all your life!
“We can do a lot of things with magic,” Twilight replied. “It’s a great thing!”
“Yeah, well.” Applejack smirked, because she had an interesting idea and Applejack was a huge jerk. “Ah’m sure you couldn’t last a whole day without using your magic!”
“Of course I can!” lied Twilight, finally turning to Applejack. “Magic is a great thing, but you can live without it!”
“Ah can,” Applejack said. “But Ah’m sure you can’t!”
“Well, I’ll prove I can live without my magic for a full day!” said Twilight. To prove her point, she stopped using magic on the apple immediately, so the fruit fell to the ground and ended up covered in mud. What a goofball. “And if I can make it to this sunset without using my magic once, you’ll give me four apples for free!”
“Okay,” Applejack said. “But if Ah’m right and you use your magic, you’ll be my personal slave for the rest of your life and you’ll fulfill every single wish of mine, no matter how gruesome or depraved it is!”
“I’m game!” said Twilight Sparkle, because she was convinced she made a good deal there.
And thus, both mares shared a mutual laugh and Applejack went away to keep on working on the farm, knowing that every single minute working on those horrible, horrible fields destroyed a tiny part of her soul and the situation would never change, until the day that she couldn’t bear it anymore and would break apart completely to turn into an empty shell of her older self, just like her grandmother and her parents had done before her. Princess Twilight went away to read a book about doorknobs.
And this, kids, is called life and social class injustice! It’s how the world works, so be sure to get over it soon!
But then Twilight realized that she could use her magic to teleport herself to the library without using magic! Oh, no!
But it didn’t matter! “Instead of using my magic to move, I’ll walk!”
And so she did. And to avoid getting bored while walking, she decided to count the flowers on the path that lead to Ponyville! Let’s count with her, kids!
“One blue flower that reminds me of the sky!” she said after five minutes of walking when she finally saw a bright, cyan flower standing right in front of her.
“One yellow flower that reminds me of the sun. That makes it two!” she said next, after seeing the second flower.
“One white flower that reminds me of the clouds. That makes it three flowers!” she said, after the third flower.
“The corpse of a cat that was ran over by a chariot, the red of its blood reminding me of that time I saw my dad shooting my dog dead when it was sick, introducing me to the concept of ‘death’ and forever leaving a mark in my mind that reminds me every day that life is nothing but a cruel joke without a punch line, and once we leave this world we’re doomed to oblivion until there’s absolutely no proof we existed on the first place!”
After seeing that, Twilight stopped counting.
And finally, the princess made it to Ponyville without using any magic, which turned out to be a very tiring and bothersome task, dead cats notwithstanding. Ponyville is a small, beautiful town with less ponies than Canterlot or Manehattan and smaller houses. It’s what we grown-ups call a loser town. Ponyville is to Equestria what that weird cousin that smells like fish and looks at you funny and drools a little all the time while standing in a corner in your birthday party is to you. You don’t really know who he is, what is he doing or why is he there, but at least he’s wearing a nice suit so you kind of let him stay and try not to stare. That was Equestria’s general attitude when dealing with Ponyville.
Twilight then realized that she hadn’t eaten that delicious apple, so her mouth still tasted like doorknobs, sorrow, and existentialism. She had been walking for half an hour with that gustatory sensation in her tongue, but she wasn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.
But she couldn’t do a single thing about it, as a pony suddenly appeared right in front of her. Well, not exactly. That pony had been trying to get her attention for the last five minutes, but Twilight had been too busy counting flowers, staring awkwardly into space and thinking about doorknobs to realize this. However, there’s a point in which even the slowest brains start working, and the alicorn princess finally saw what was in front of her.
Meet Trixie, the Great and Powerful! She is a blue unicorn that wants to be respected as a wonderful magician even though she has absolutely zero natural talent. This, kids, is called working to overcome your flaws, and it’s completely worthless and you should never do it. Follow Twilight Sparkle’s advice: do only what you’re good at. Even if it’s useless and you’re an idiot. At least you’ll have a good time.
“And finally we meet again, Twilight Sparkle!” said Trixie while waving her legs in what could be described either as an attempt to be ominous and menacing or as a spot-on impression of a pony suffering an epileptic attack. “And this time, Trixie will get her revenge!”
Twilight Sparkle frowned a little at this. “But Trixie,” she said, “I thought we were friends!”
“Hah! Trixie only said sorry, and Trixie didn’t mean it!” Trixie answered. “Trixie just wanted to fool you and then come back with a vengeance! Nopony that says ‘sorry’ actually means anything!”
And this, kids, is a great lesson. Trust no one. If somebody says he’s sorry for something bad he did to you, the best course of action is to act as if you really forgive him and then beat him with a spiked baseball bat when he’s sleeping.
“Oh, no!” Twilight said. “But why, Trixie?! Why do you want to defeat me so badly?!”
“Because Trixie has pretty obvious self-confidence issues and thinks that she can finally start to love herself once again when she finally defeats you in fair combat!” Trixie yelled in response. “Also, Trixie thinks your voice is pretty annoying!”
“My voice is not annoying!” Twilight replied, offended. “And I can’t fight you in fair combat today, because I can’t use magic!”
“Oh. Trixie wants to know why.”
“Because if I use magic, I won’t get four apples for free!” Twilight said. The thought of the four apples made her drool a little, and with that she managed to look even less dignified, somehow.
Trixie frowned after hearing this, because four apples were serious business. But on the other hoof, she really wanted to defeat Twilight. So she decided to just shrug everything off and kill everypony in town, because once you really think about it, concepts like fair and unfair are meaningless. The only thing that matters, kids, is who wins and who loses. Life is not about being the first one finishing the race, it’s more about kidnapping the other runners’ families and holding them as hostages to force them to lose and then do a silly dance for your amusement.
So Trixie’s horn started to shine and a huge earthquake happened, and a giant crack in the ground appeared right in front of the two mares. There were a lot of other ponies in the square with them, and a really big number of them fell into the crack while screaming in terror and disbelief, but neither Trixie nor Twilight cared because they were a pair of sociopaths. But it doesn’t matter anyway, because life, as we already know, is meaningless!
“That’s a pretty big crack!” Twilight said, because sometimes she had the unbearable urge to point out the obvious. Oh, Twilight, you’re so cockamamie. “Why did you do that?!”
“Trixie did that!” Trixie said, showing that she didn’t really get how questions work. “Watch in awe how the Great and Powerful Trixie destroys and humiliates Twilight Sparkle, reaching her one and only goal in life and achieving happiness!”
Just right after Trixie finished that incredibly sad statement, because happiness doesn’t exist and only delusional ponies think otherwise, the crack in the ground trembled and a spurt of flames and lava rose from it.
“Oh, no!” a voice near Twilight said. “Ponyville is going to be destroyed by the fire!”
And who had said those wise words? Meet Spike, kids! Spike is a purple baby dragon that eats gemstones, and he’s Twilight’s pet and assistant, as I already said at the beginning of the story. He’s the wacky and funny character of the show!
“Everypony will die! The whole city is going to burn down to ashes, and the ones that will survive the fire or the smoke are going to end up homeless and with nothing left in the world! We have to do something! I can already hear their cries for help!”
Ah, hah, hah! Oh, Spike, you’re so wacky.
Twilight looked at him with a worried face. “But what can we do?”
“Use your magic to close the crack and stop the fire!”
“But I can’t,” explained Twilight. “If I use my magic, I’ll lose my bet with Applejack and I want to get four free apples!”
“Twilight, I can hear more ponies screaming in pain as the fire boils their blood and their bones turn into ashes! The heat will burn down their lungs, hot air peeling off their skin and fur, their sweat evaporating so fast that they will dehydrate, their throats and eyes feeling like thousands of needles are piercing them! The pain of seeing your loved ones die and the fear of death will mix until there’s nothing in them but a feeling so horrific that it’s beyond description! They are innocents, most of them are foals, and they’re going to go through hell if we don’t do something!”
“Oh, Spike, I enjoy your jokes a lot, but I still can’t use my magic!” repeated Twilight with a smile, because Spike’s jokes always cheered her up. He was such a happy fellow.
“You’re going to sacrifice Ponyville for a bunch of apples?!” Spike shook his head like a little puppy trying to bite its own ears because dogs are idiots. “Twilight, you’re the only one with enough magic power to do this! Please!”
“Oh, Spike, you’re so cute.” Twilight patted the dragon’s head. “Now go and get me some water so I can get this taste of doorknobs and ignominy out of my mouth.”
Spike just stared at Twilight in horror, unable to accept the simple fact that everything dies at some point and the only thing you can do when the moment comes is drink your sorrows away. Meanwhile, Twilight chose to ignore the baby dragon because babies are at least as stupid as puppies anyway, and turned to Trixie again.
“That was a very powerful spell, Trixie!” she said. “You’ve improved your magic a lot!”
“And that was just the beginning!” yelled Trixie. “Watch in awe again!”
Trixie’s horn gleamed again, although nopony could really see it because nothing creates a light more blinding than old and happy houses filled with young and happy ponies burning to the ground. Happiness is highly flammable, kids, and that’s why happy smokers explode and die in horrible pain. Only sad ponies smoke. And everypony smokes when they’re waiting for their wives to give birth to their foals. That’s because life is worthless and meaningless and everypony should just curl down and cry themselves to sleep until they die of starvation.
But look at the bright side, kids! Happiness per se doesn’t exist, as it’s only a delusion, so none of you will explode ever! You’re just doomed to a void life and then the sweet hoof of death will shatter your soul into oblivion!
Oh, isn’t learning fun sometimes, kids?
As we were saying, Trixie’s horn gleamed, because she was too busy trying to pursue that horrible lie called happiness to realize anything else, and then the crack in the ground shattered a little and countless indescribable beasts rose from it and smashed and crushed and destroyed ponies and buildings alike.
“Oh, no!” whined Spike, always trying to make ponies smile. “Fifty-three different hydras just came out of that crack and are exterminating the survivors! Twilight, we need to do something!”
Well, Spike, I just said they were indescribable and countless, so go make whoopee with a sawbuck, you ungrateful lizard.
Twilight looked at the hydras mauling the survivors. “Oh, this is a wonderful opportunity to learn mathematics, Spike!” she said. “Count with me!”
“Twilight, I’m witnessing the biggest slaughter that ever happened to ponykind! I can already feel that the images I’m perceiving right now will hunt me forever, destroying my mind a little every night until I’m nothing but a blabbering parody of my old self! I don’t want to count!”
Twilight and Trixie both laughed at Spike’s incredibly funny joke, but they also frowned a little, because Spike didn’t want to count, and that was horrible! So they ignored him, because that’s what you should always do with your problems, kids. And then they decided to count on their own.
“Let’s see,” Twilight said. “There are fifty-three hydras out there, and each hydra has four heads! How many heads are in Ponyville right now?”
“We don’t need to add four plus four fifty-three times,” Trixie explained. “We can just use multiplication!”
“Yay! Multiplication!” Twilight said while clapping, because she loved multiplication a lot, the huge nerd. “Let’s multiply!”
And so they did! Why don’t you join this awesome multiplying party, kids? Let’s see, if we have fifty-three killer hydras that represent the fear of the unknown and the inevitability of death, and each one has four heads that represent the Four Horses of the Apocalypse and how nothing lasts forever, what do we need to multiply?
Exactly! We need to multiply fifty-three by four!
And what is the answer?
The answer is DESPAIR!
“Multiplying is so fun!” said Twilight.
“Twilight, please! We have to do something! Our friends are dying in there!” said Spike. Oh, Spike, even when you refuse to multiply, you’re so comical. “Please, I’m begging you!”
“But I can’t use magic, and there’s no way we can stop this without magic,” Twilight explained. “And I’m not losing my four apples just because you don’t like ponies dying, Spike!”
“Exactly!” said Trixie. “The only things that can stop the fire and the fifty-three hydras is the most powerful of spells or a pony staring awkwardly into space for more than two minutes!”
And those words, kids, had a beautiful effect on Twilight’s slightly damaged brain. Even a pony whose intellectual capacity is equal to one of a slug that got lead poisoning during its childhood can have an epiphany now and then. Twilight realized that she had a chance to do it. She could make it, she could save everypony and still earn those four apples. Preventing almost everypony she knew and love from dying and getting that taste of doorknobs and dishonor from her tongue? It was like a dream.
“You need somepony to stare awkwardly into space for five minutes,” she said. “Well then, you’ve found your warrior!”
Spike’s pupils grew wider. “Twilight…?”
“Yes, Spike. We’re going to save Ponyville!”
Five minutes later, everypony but Twilight, Trixie, and Spike was dead and the hydras were flying towards Manehattan to destroy the whole city because Spike had been too useless to stare awkwardly into space, with all those tears and mental scars and trauma he was dealing with. Twilight was very disappointed in him, because it had been his one and only job.
“You did it, Spike,” she said. “You killed them all.”
“You’re a monster,” said Trixie. “And now everypony you love is dead!”
Spike tried to reply, but he was too busy crying. Trixie and Twilight laughed at him, because Spike, bless his soul, was always funny no matter how utterly useless he was.
And then something fell from the sky right in front of Twilight Sparkle, startling her a little bit. It was a pony! But who was that pony, you ask?
Well, kids, meet Princess Luna, Ruler of the Night and Compass of the Stars! She’s a tall alicorn, just like Twilight, and she has powers akin to those of a teenager: she’s socially awkward and has anger issues. Also, she tried to murder everypony once, so you know she’s a fountain of fun!
“Twilight Sparkle!” she said, visibly angry but not murdering anypony, which was a huge letdown. “What did you do?!”
“Hello, Princess Luna!” Twilight said. “I knew you were Luna because you’re dark and Celestia is white!”
Oh, Twilight, that’s so racist.
“I know who I am!” said Luna. But that was a lie, because nopony knows who he or she really is. Nopony knows anypony. Everything is a big lie. Life is meaningless. Doorknobs taste like guilt. “What I want to know is what happened here and why is everypony dead!”
“Well, it’s a very long story,” Twilight said. “You see, I wanted four apples and I couldn’t use magic. So everypony is dead now and it’s all Spike’s fault.”
“Twilight Sparkle, that doesn’t explain anything!”
“But that’s not important!” said Trixie. “The important thing is that Trixie won! Now I can enjoy my five minutes of glee until I realize that now I have absolutely nothing else to do with my life, as this is the peak of my entire existence!”
“You will cry yourself to sleep every night while remembering this moment, and nothing you will ever do will feel reassuring because your memory of today will act as a shadow that hovers above everything you feel, do, and think, and makes it look dull in comparison!” said Twilight.
“Yaaaaaay!”
“Yaaaaaaaaaay!”
And after hearing this, Princess Luna realized that the average IQ number of the town at the exact moment was negative, which was kind of impressive when one takes the fact that some plants have an IQ of two in account, so she flew away to try to save Manehattan, but she couldn’t manage because there were a lot of hydras.
Eventually, Trixie left the town to live her life and become a hollow puppet of her past, and Twilight managed to pass the entire day without using her magic, so she got four free apples and was happy ever after, while Applejack tried to unsuccessfully fight against depression. Spike got so many traumas that he could never sleep or talk again. And everypony in Manehattan also died and Equestria blamed Luna.
But Twilight was still happy, and that’s all that matters!
And so ends this story of fun and learning, kids! The moral of the story is that life is meaningless, happiness doesn’t exist, everything is a big lie, and you will live a horrible life unless you’re a magical pony princess with a light-colored coat, no matter how stupid or horrible you are. Also, never lick any doorknob or everypony you care about will die in a horrible fire or butchered by more than fifty hydras.
Goodnight!
