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Rainbow Dash grumbled viciously, chugging down yet another pint of hard cider.
After the night she’d just had, she needed something strong.
Especially after Fluttershy had unwisely shown her the letter that Twilight had accidentally sent her by mistake.
Dash swallowed hard, feeling the sting in her throat as she gripped the freshly inked quill in one hoof, turning back to the roll of parchment.
So, Twilight wanted to send mean letters describing the stupidity of Equestria’s finest Pegasi, did she?
“So be it!” Dash bellowed aloud, scribbling mightily in her barely lit room, using her one free hoof to pour more cider into the same mug she’d been using all night. She stifled a hiccup, focused all her energy on concentrating her thoughts, and began to write.
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For Twilight, it had been one of the longest, most arduous nights of her entire life.
“Na-aw, Lulu!” Princess Celestia slurred, leaning on her sister. Luna tried her best to keep her face straight, but it was clear that she was agitated. “I dun wanna go home – hic! – I wanna go getshum peanuts!”
“Good night, Celestia.” Twilight deadpanned, turning on the spot and marching into the tree/home, leaving the very angry princess of the night alone with her now-vomiting elder sister on the doorstep of Golden Oaks Library.
Twilight immediately locked the door behind her, massaging her aching eyes, as if that could scrub the images of precisely what she’d just seen her country’s ruler do to somepony with a plunger and a package of Styrofoam.
Alcohol was a dangerous thing.
She shuddered, dragging herself into bed with a groan before she realized that something had crumpled beneath her. Oddly, she could have sworn it had just grown drafty in the room, but it could have easily just been her imagination. Curiously, she silently tugged it from beneath her tired body, shuffled slowly over to a patch of moonlight leaking in through the window, and tiredly began to read.
Dearest Twilight Sparkle,
I am going to horribly violate you with an anemometer.
“… Ohhhh, shit.”
You arrogant, insufferable know-it-all. Why do you constantly have to make like fucking unbearable for absolutely everypony else? Are you just that much of a freak that you can’t get off unless somepony’s suffering?
Yeah, bitch. I talked to Fluttershy. She was in TEARS, you know.
And, guess what?
You can keep the goddamned Rotator!
As a matter of fact, that’s going the same place the anemometer is!
Seriously, if I have to hear to describe to me – ME, of all ponies – what a motherfucking anemometer is, I’m going to rip your ears off and fuck the holes with a shovel. I am a PEGASUS, bitch. I know more about fucking weather than you give me credit for!
Just because you read a couple of books on weather patterns doesn’t make you fucking qualified to dictate how Equestria’s precipitation is measured. Everypony is so sick of you shoving your metaphorical knowledge dick down our throats, lording your ‘superior’ education over everypony else. Every time I see you, I just want to pull the stick out of your ass and jam it in your eyesocket.
And don’t even get me STARTED on your whole ‘special profiling’ shit!
How dare you – how DARE you – insinuate that possessing wings indicates any manner of mental incompetence, you blithering, under qualified, glorified secretary!
Yeah, looks like your pal Spike’s not the ONLY one that got their majors in Cloudsdale! Surprise, bitch!
Do you have ANY idea just how fucked up Fluttershy is now?
Actually, I take that one back. Flutters was pretty much a sadomasochistic basket case before, but you just made her feel fucking TERRIBLE about it. Good going, asshole.
See, I actually LIKED Fluttershy. If I’d have known that you were in a motherfucking RELATIONSHIP with her, I wouldn’t have let you talk me into doing the greatest booze run of the century!
They’re STILL looking for Derpy’s kid!
Also, I kind of stopped by your… tree. House. Library. Thing.
Yeah, that’s how come this here letter looks like it was written by Spike. I’ll give you a hint, since you seem to be a goddamned retard. You know, just like EVERY pegasus in Equestria.
The hint is… it was written by Spike for me while I dictated it to him. While DRUNK, too, which I’m doing a hell of a lot better at than you were, you abusive cunt ball.
No, don’t write – actually, you know what? Go ahead and leave that in, Spike. You are doing a great job.
… But, seriously, take that thing off your head. You’re not a unicorn.
Where was I?
Right, right.
FUCK you, Twilight Sparkle.
Do I even have to tell you how badly you fucked up Pinkie Pie?
She went on a motherfucking candy spree.
At three in the morning.
Three. O’ Clock. In the mother. Cunting. Morning.
I sure am fucking glad that I stopped by the Cake’s place first, because I don’t know when anybody would have peeled them from the ceiling.
Fucking hell, that was a lot of duct tape.
Be glad that I haven’t brought Applejack along to beat some sense into you, because the last time I heard, Fluttershy said that your little letter gave her grandmother a stroke.
Is that funny? Is that funny to you NOW, bitch?
What?
No, stop laughing, Spike. That’s seriously not funny.
… And take that thing off of your head! It’s starting to creep me out a little.
All… floppy.
Yeah, I KNOW I lost my train of thought again. I’m a little buzzed right now.
… Well, a lot. I’m fucking hammered.
Speaking of which, Spike, do you have any hammers around here?
No, I’m just going to use it with the anemometemememer. An-anememo – anemometer. Geez, that IS hard to say when you’re smashed.
Oh, right! I almost forgot that, thanks.
A power drill?
Really, Twilight?
That’s the fucking best that you can come up with. Threatening to rape me in the ear with a power drill. That is so unimaginative.
Well, I hope your day out was fun, because by the time you’re done reading this, I’m going to be SHOVING THAT POWER DRILL THROUGH YOUR ANUS AND OUT YOUR NOSE!
Twilight dropped the letter, whirling around in bed in panic.
It took her a moment to realize that nothing was happening.
It wasn’t until she managed to light up the room to discover Spike and Rainbow Dash snoring quietly in Spike’s basket that she discovered the hole in the roof.
