Spike and Twilight Get Cable
“Jesse? Jesse?! It’s Walt! Open the door! Now!” Walter demanded, furiously knocking on the door of Jesse’s apartment.
Walter could hear faint mumbling from the other side of the door. After waiting for what felt like hours, Walt could hear the turning of a lock on the other side and a shift of the door knob. The door swung open just enough for the chain-lock to pin in place, and for a rough, bruised-up, unshaven young man to drearily poke his head out.
“Jesse! What’s happened?!” Walter inquired, “I’ve been trying to call you for days! I thought you were dead!”
Jesse could barely open his eyes, which appeared to recess into his sockets, now drooping blue bags of flesh. His eyes were glazed-over, red, bleary. Walter knew the look all too well from the kind of ‘clientele’ to which they catered.
“Jesse!!” Walt shouted, “Have you been sampling the product?! Our product?! Don’t tell me you’ve relapsed! What the hell is wrong with you?!”
“Mister…White…” Jesse started to say, barely able to get the words out.
Walter growled as Jesse slammed the door in his face, and then gave a heavy groan as he heard the lock unlatch and Jesse opened the door.
Jesse was wearing nothing but blue boxers, and his skin was as pale as a corpse.
“I don’t believe this!” Walt observed, stepping into the apartment.
All of Jesse’s clothes were piled around the room, along with various assorted food items, some in various stages of decay. Walter heard the soft crunch of broken glass under his shoe. A clear liquid seeped onto the floor out of the vial he had just stepped on. Walter looked around the room at the used plastic syringes and realized Jesse had lapsed into using the one drug possibly more addictive than methamphetamine.
“Heroin, Jesse?!” Walt yelled, “You’ve been shooting up heroin?!!”
“The marks…the cutie…” Jesse tried to say, still half in a drug-induced haze, “The crusade…”
“Crusade?” Walt asked, “What crusade?! What the hell are you talking-?!”
Before Walt could finish, Jesse pointed at the television, playing softly behind him. Walter turned around and looked at the screen. A children’s program consisting of colorful cartoon ponies was playing.
“My little…my little pony…” Jesse muttered, almost trying to sing, “My little pony…”
“What? Are you singing?” Walt asked in bewilderment, “Is this what you’ve been doing the past four days?! Shooting up and watching cartoons?!!”
“It’s not…cartoon…” Jesse tried to explain, “It’s a…good show…”
Walt walked over and grabbed Jesse’s remote from the nightstand. He pressed the power button on the remote and the television cut off with a flicker.
“Put some clothes on, Jesse…” Walt said, “I’m taking you to the hospital…”
“Apple…Bloom…” Jesse muttered, “Sweetie…Belle…cutie marks…”
“What the hell are you babbling about?!” Walt demanded, “The cartoon?! What’s so damn special about…?!”
Jesse grabbed the remote from Walt’s hand and turned the TV back on. Against his better judgment, Walter walked over to Jesse’s bed and started to watch the show. It was the episode of My Little Pony in which the three main fillies first started their club, the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
It was already near the end of the episode, but Walter almost appreciated what little he saw of it. His thoughts then turned to his son, who he was spending less and less time with since he had started his...second occupation…
Walt Jr. probably likes this show. he thought, Or does he? Walt honestly didn’t know.
“You know Jesse, this cartoon isn’t half-bad…” he commented.
“Yeah, Mr. White!” Jesse shouted, starting to come out of his haze, “Yeah, bronies!!”
***
“Seriously, Spike?” Twilight questioned, “You’re watching Breaking Bad?”
“What? It’s a good show.” Spike asserted, “It’s the best show on television!”
“It’s an unrealistic depiction of drug dealing and a glorification of violence.” Twilight lectured, “If Walter White actually existed he would have been arrested or killed within weeks.”
“That’s not true!” Spike argued, “Plenty of criminals have been known to escape capture for years. Besides, Breaking Bad shows Walter’s moral decay and the negative consequences of his actions.”
“Have you been reading my philosophy books again?” Twilight wondered, “In any case, most media is false depiction of reality.”
“Then why did we just install cable?” Spike asked.
“I switched over to Equine Communications so we could watch intellectual programming.” Twilight replied, “Now if you’re done with Breaking Bad, would you mind flipping over to Pony History?”
The purple dragon tapped the buttons on Twilight’s new remote with his claws. He punched in the numbers that corresponded with the station known as Pony History.
“We now return to Ancient Humans, on Pony History.” the voiceover announcer said through the television speakers.
The logo of a “human” shaped stick figure flew by the screen as “eerie” music played. Twilight shook her head and sighed.
“Many have held to the theory that a prehistoric society once existed, long before any known pony, dragon, ursa, or dog roamed Equestria.” a different announcer stated, “It was a society made up of strange bipedal creatures…creatures who were in many respects not altogether different from ponies…creatures known to myth and legend as…humans.”
The screen cut away to a shot of a grey pony with unkempt yellow hair and crisscrossed hazel eyes. She was wearing a grey suit and blue tie, motioning to an object beside her on a desk. It was a large, broken piece of slab that had been propped up so viewers could see the engraving. It apparently depicted a large, armored equine creature walking on all fours, with a strange, bipedal creature, also covered in armor.
“As you can clearly see from this ancient slab, uncovered over twenty years ago from a dig in the Canterlot Caves,” the grey pony lectured, her mouth seeming to hang open as she spoke, “This larger than usual pony is being ridden by a smaller, bipedal creature. Now I’m not saying ‘humans’…but what I am saying is…‘humans’.”
“Derpy A. Hoovasalos: Author of Humans Among Us – Portals to Another World.” Twilight read from the caption at the bottom of the screen.
“Do you really think there were prehistoric humans in Equestria?” Spike asked.
“Oh, please.” Twilight answered, rolling her eyes, “Give me a break. Nopony who’s got any sense believes that crackpot theory. Why don’t we flip over to Equestrian Geographic?”
Spike punched a new set of numbers into the remote and the television flickered over to “Eque Geo”. A brown pony was speaking onscreen, wearing a suit not unlike the one worn by Derpy.
“So, Dr. Whooves?” an off-screen interviewer asked, “Are you saying that you’re actually human?”
“First of all, it’s just ‘the Doctor’.” the Doctor said, in a rather peculiar accent, “I don’t know why everypony...er, everybody, keeps calling me that. And second of all, I’m not human, I’m a Time Lord.”
“What’s a Time Lord?” the interviewer asked.
“Well…that’s a bit hard to explain.” the Doctor replied, “Suffice to say, I’m a being who can travel through both space and time who regularly configures himself into a physical form resembling a human. Although, being currently trapped in your world, I’ve somehow regenerated into a ‘pony’ by default.”
“Why can’t you generate into a ‘human’?” the interviewer asked.
“That’s what I’ve been trying to figure out!” the Doctor replied, “Sorry…I mean, it’s frustrating. My TARDIS is malfunctioning, I’m stuck in a form I’m not used to, I’m appearing on television for spare bits, I mean funds-”
“What’s a tardis?” the interviewer continued.
“TARDIS stands for Time and Relative Dimension in Space.” the Doctor replied, “To put it in simple terms, it’s a device that allows me to travel through space and time, but it is currently out of commission. Why? I’m not quite sure, perhaps if I-“
“Hey, Twilight?” Spike asked, “Haven’t we seen this guy running around Ponyville?”
“I think so…” Twilight pondered, “He looks kinda familiar…”
“Hey Twilight, can I flip back over to EMC now?” Spike requested, “The Trotting Dead is coming on.”
“What’s with you and zombies, Spike?” Twilight asked, “Kinda strange obsession, if you ask me.”
“What’s with you and books?” Spike retorted, “I mean…that wasn’t a very good comeback.”
“How about we see what’s on E-SPAN?” Twilight suggested, “I think they’re airing Princess Celestia’s speech on healthcare reform.”
“Hey, wait a second.” Spike replied, “Why am I standing here pushing buttons when you can just flip the remote with your horn?”
“Well…” Twilight said, now just realizing it, “Sorry…I guess I wasn’t thinking. Here.”
The remote floated out of Spike’s claws as Twilight Sparkle’s horn glowed with magic. The remote buttons pressed the number for E-SPAN as Twilight used the power of her mind.
On E-SPAN, Princess Celestia stood in her throne room in Canterlot, surrounded by a crowd of reporters and cameras. The white alicorn tried to smile as the pony paparazzi flashed cameras and stuck microphones in her face.
“As princess, it is my responsibility to ensure the health and well-being of all my subjects.” she declared, “That is why, as of next year, all of Equestria is going on a single-payer healthcare system. I know many of you already receive coverage through a localized system in places such as Ponyville and Cloudsdale. The only difference will be that Canterlot healthcare will now be available in all of Equestria.”
“I can’t believe she’s grandstanding like this.” Spike complained, “I like the care I get at Ponyville Hospital. I’m a dragon. My extended lifespan is considered a preexisting condition.”
“Spike…” Twilight chided, “How can you say that about our princess? She only wants what’s best for us. In fact, I think I’m going to write her a letter congratulating her on improving our healthcare. Spike, write this down…”
“Hold it!” Spike argued, “If you’re just going to sit there and flip channels, I want to watch The Trotting Dead…”
“Fine...” Twilight said with a sigh, “Here you go…”
Twilight levitated the remote back into Spike’s claws. He flipped back to EMC and sat down to watch The Trotting Dead.
***
Michonne wiped the rotted black blood from her katana as she just finished decapitating a lumbering walker.
“When a walker comes into your sights, fight or flee with all of your might.” she quipped.
