Derpy Hooves: The Absent-Minded Professor
The smell of freshly baked muffins was a glorious thing, and such wonders were not meant to be beheld alone.
“Spiced carrot muffins!” Derpy declared, placing the tray on the counter. “I added the pumpkin and cinnamon to really give it that seasonal flavor.”
Carrot Top inhaled deeply, taking in the fragrant aroma. “Thanks Derpy. You know you didn’t have to do this.”
"Well, it was the least I could do for you since you’re helping me clean out my cottage," Derpy replied cheerily. “Quick! The first bite is always the best!" She expertly extracted a pair of the steaming muffins and tossed one to Carrot Top, who bobbled it in her hooves. Without waiting a second more, Derpy took a huge bite off the top of her muffin and chewed away messily.
Carrot Top smiled, gingerly peeling away the paper cup before rotating the muffin so the side with the extra heap of frosting was facing towards her. Just as she opened her mouth to take a bite, a loud knock sounded from the front door. Derpy, who was completely engrossed in the consumption of her confection, seemed oblivious to the sound, so Carrot Top sighed and put her own muffin down. “You look busy—I’ll get that.”
“Mmmmffffff!” Derpy replied, sending a small shower of crumbs into the air.
Carrot Top trotted to the door and opened it to find a smartly dressed mailmare, who promptly presented her with an envelope. “Express mail for Derpy Hooves!” the mailmare proclaimed.
“Uh, thanks. I’ll take that,” Carrot Top said, accepting the envelope. As soon as she did, the mailmare gave a quick salute and galloped away. Carrot Top closed the door and made her way back to the kitchen, all the while eyeing the mysterious mail. It was made from a heavily bonded paper—the kind you usually see on official documents and certificates. The envelope itself was blank, except for the name "Derpy Hooves” penned on the front in beautiful calligraphy. Otherwise, there was nothing else to offer a clue as to who had sent the letter or where it had come from. “Looks like you got some mail, Derpy.”
Derpy looked up from an empty muffin cup with a crumb-filled muzzle. “Ooh a letter!” she exclaimed, clapping her hooves together. Depry launched herself at Carrot Top, grabbing the envelope with both hooves. She looked at the plain exterior and bubbled with excitement. “Wow what kind of letter is this? Maybe it’s a birthday card,” she speculated. “But it’s not my birthday!” said said with a frown. She held the envelope up to the light and shook it back and forth. “What could it be?”
“Well you could open it and find out,” Carrot Top said plainly, turning her attention back to her neglected muffin.
Derpy went to the living room and flopped onto the couch, staring up at the letter. “Should I open it slowly, or just tear into it? Do you think it’s good news, or bad news? Or maybe it isn’t really for me! Maybe there’s another Derpy Hooves and this letter is really for her!”
Carrot Top rolled her eyes, “You know what Derpy, you’re right. There’s another Derpy Hooves that lives in Ponyville in this exact cottage, and all this time you never knew.”
Derpy sat up and glared at Carrot Top. “Hey I work at the post office, and you wouldn’t believe all the nasty ways a letter can get lost or sent to the wrong pony. I know because I’ve done them all!” she said, chest puffing out with pride. Derpy gasped with surprise as Carrot Top came up from behind and snatched the envelope out of her hooves. Without a word, she tore it open and pulled out a neatly folded letter, which she hooved back to Derpy.
Derpy scanned the letter for a few moments, then furrowed her brow. She turned the single sheet of paper over to examine the back, but found nothing. After reading over the message a few more times, she scratched her head. “Huh,” was all she could manage.
“Are you going to tell me what it says, or do I need to squeeze it out of you?” Carrot Top threatened.
“Well,” Derpy began slowly, drawing out her words. “It looks like I’m getting an award.”
“An award?!” Carrot Top exclaimed. “I’m happy for you!" Her expression quickly turned to one of puzzlement. "What kind of award?”
Derpy turned away and stared at some spot high on the far wall. “Looks like it’s for some of the stuff I did in graduate school.”
Carrot Top coughed as she choked down the half-chewed remainder of the muffin. “Graduate school? As in…university?”
Derpy sheepishly rubbed the back of her neck and blushed a deep red. “Yeah, well that was a long time ago…” she trailed off. When Carrot Top’s only response was open-mouthed silence, Derpy continued the explanation. “I guess some of the theories I came up with in my PhD dissertation were proven recently, so the institute decided to present me with an award.”
“The…institute?” Carrot Top stammered.
“The C.I.T.—Canterlot Institute of Technology,” Derpy replied.
“You know what, maybe we’d better find that other Derpy Hooves and give her that letter…” Carrot Top laughed nervously. She looked at Derpy but was only met with a blank stare. “I guess you’re not joking then…”
Derpy sighed. “Come on upstairs. I’ll show you a few things.”
The two made their way to the attic, where earlier that morning they had been sorting through old boxes. Carrot Top watched as Derpy dug way back into the unsorted side of the room and pulled out a plain looking box with a few identifying scribbles on the outside. Derpy opened the box and sifted though it for a moment before she produced a mortarboard with the tassel still attached. She put it on and wore a beaming smile as she struck a pose. “Ta-da!”
Carrot Top cheered and stomped her hooves. “Wow Derpy. But if you graduated from a university, why are you wasting your time in Ponyville as a mailmare?”
Derpy took off the mortarboard and sat back on her haunches. “You know how things are with me—I made a mess of things when they tried to make me a professor. I was always embarrassing the other ponies at the Canterlot social functions. Also, all the advice I would give the younger students would somehow turn into a terrible disaster. And I don't think they appreciated all the time I spent on my muffin research. I guess at some point they just didn't want to put up with any of it anymore.”
“It must’ve been hard for you to leave all of that,” Carrot Top replied tenderly.
“Well, not really,” Derpy said, with her usual cheer. “Being a mailmare here in Ponyville gives me a lot more time for ‘independent living,’ as they called it back in Canterlot. Besides, I haven't really lost that job—I’m still technically a professor, and they still send me questions and research to work on. Now, though, I can just do all that stuff when I feel like it.”
Carrot Top approached the box and rifled through the contents. There was a framed diploma from the Canterlot Institute of Technology, granting her the degree of “Doctor of Philosophy in Theoretical Physics.” Further down was a yearbook, showing pictures of Derpy and her graduating class. She noticed that Derpy showed up in quite a few pictures of club activities, and more than once carrying a tray of muffins. She dug deeper with her hooves and pulled out a funnel with a rubber hose. “What the heck is this for?”
“Oh nothing!” Derpy exclaimed as she grabbed them from her. “Just…college stuff,” she mumbled with a nervous laugh.
Carrot Top gave her a puzzled look, but just shook her head and continued the fascinating dig into Derpy’s past. She found an entire notebook dedicated to muffin recipes, a few C.I.T. pennants and posters, a fragrant jewelry box labeled “Derpy’s stash—Spike stay out,” and a veritable collection of old pictures and collegiate memorabilia.
Carrot Top tossed everything back in the box and turned to Derpy. “And…I guess this explains your cutie mark?” she speculated with a raised eyebrow.
Derpy shrugged. “Maybe. I actually didn’t know I had my cutie mark for a week until my mom pointed it out, so I’m not sure exactly what I did to make it appear. My best guess is that it happened when I theorized a method of time travel using a transdimensional spiral to connect all points in space and time. This ‘time vortex’ would have laws of energy-matter conversion different than our universe, and could be accessible by manipulating a yet-to-be-discovered type of energy,” she explained, as if talking about the weather. “I remember feeling pretty funny after I came up with that idea, but I thought I just ate a bad muffin. I also thought I saw a flying blue box, but it went by so fast I could have just imagined it.”
“Why bubbles?” Carrot Top inquired.
“To me, they’re not bubbles, but N-dimensional membranes drifting in 11-dimensional space,” Derpy said, her voice filled with wonder. She beamed at Carrot Top. “Then again, they could just be for my bubbly personality.”
Carrot Top rolled her eyes and motioned towards the letter still in Derpy’s hoof. “So when is this awards ceremony?”
Derpy glanced back at the invitation. “Looks like next week, but to tell you the truth I don’t know if I want to…”
“You are going!” Carrot Top interrupted sternly, stomping on the ground with her hoof and bringing her face muzzle to muzzle with Derpy.
Derpy shied away and cried, “Okay, okay!” After Carrot Top relented, Derpy glanced once more at the invitation with a resigned look on her face. A moment later, something on it caught her eye and she brightened up. “It says I can bring a guest! If you’re going to make me go, then I’m taking you with me!”
Carrot Top smiled and replied, “I wouldn’t miss it for the world! It’s settled then.” She raised her hoof to the air and pointing into the distance like some intrepid explorer. "Party-time next week!”