Hi, My Name Is Frank, And I'm An Alcoholic
Or, the Only Tentacle Story Ever In Which A Pony Is Not The Victim Of Sexual Assault
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“And they say, she limped all the way back to Ponyville!” Rainbow Dash finished her horrifying story, quivering slightly.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash,” Fluttershy rolled her eyes, taking a sip of her morning tea nonchalantly across from the clearly perturbed pegasus. “You and I both know Discord would never let one of those nasty vines do that to anypony…”
“Maybe so,” Dash argued, tipping her own empty cup back and forth. “But the Everfree Forest is a big place; I hear those things can take a pony down in ten seconds flat, and you remember how strong they were! It wouldn’t be surprising at all if some of those things survived, and are still out there to this day…” she ended spookily, shuddering again.
Fluttershy laughed uneasily. “Come on, Dashie – this is what happens when you listen to rumors.”
“Hey, it’s not a rumor!” Rainbow Dash insisted angrily, thumping the table strongly enough to make the cups clink. “I’m telling you, it’s a threat to ponies! Even Thunderlane came outta there all… all freaked out about ‘The Vines’, and he hasn’t talked to anypony about it since!”
“Well,” Fluttershy stated carefully. “I know better than anypony that the Everfree Forest is a terrifying, threatening place; maybe Thunderlane just got scared like any sane pony would do.”
“Hey, I don’t get scared!” Rainbow Dash said testily. “I’m just-just looking out for ponies, is all. Especially my friends,” she added, jabbing a hoof at Fluttershy.
“Oh, you don’t have to worry about little old me,” she giggled quietly. “I would never dream of going into the Everfree Forest in such a dangerous situation, alone, frightened and defenseless.”
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“Hello?” Fluttershy called out, holding the lantern up with her wingtip. “It’s just little old me! Out here, in the Everfree Forest in a dangerous situation… alone, frightened and defenseless!”
She held up the lantern a little higher, illuminating the wooded area a little brighter. So far, she hadn’t found any of the rogue black vines that Discord had unleashed… and to be honest, she was sincerely disappointed. Perhaps she just wasn’t calling them properly.
“Well, it’s just little old me out here,” Fluttershy said more loudly. “All alone, and defenseless, and frightened, and innocent,” she stepped carefully over a bunch of roots, inspecting them carefully. She thought for a moment that they had moved, but it was only a trick of the light.
“Gosh,” Fluttershy almost shouted. “I sure would hate to be taken by surprise, especially when I’m all alone and innocent and lost and could be easily overpowered, and in heat even though that’s not right for this time of year!”
Fluttershy sighed heavily, lowering her lantern dejectedly. She was just about ready to give up and walk sadly home with her tail between her legs when something slimy touched her hoof.
She gasped in not-surprise, staring down in almost-shock at the slippery thing that had touched her.
“Excuse me, miss!” a slithering mass of pink tentacles sprouted up from the ground suddenly, one of them rising swiftly up to eye level. “Did I hear what I think I heard?”
“Oh, my goodness!” Fluttershy blurted excitedly, doing her best to hang onto her lantern. She had no idea how the creature was even talking, but that wasn’t the important thing. “Oh, oh my yes – I, I mean, my gracious me!”
“Oh, terribly sorry,” the tentacle bowed in half, as if it were a pony. “Certainly didn’t mean to frighten you, miss! I just heard that you were troubled by something rather specific, and I believe that I can help!”
Fluttershy’s heart pounded in her throat, and she gripped at the lantern with her wingtips eagerly.
“Oh, my!” the butter colored pegasus gasped dramatically. “Perhaps… perhaps you can…”
“The exit’s that way!” the tentacle pointed back in the direction she had just come from.
“… What.”
“The exit!” the tentacle said cheerfully again, pointing with another tentacle until both jabbed rigidly at the way out. “Thought I heard you say that you were lost, miss; that’s the fastest way through the Everfree forest. Just go in a straight line, and it’ll lead you right out! Easy as pie,” the tentacle informed her.
Fluttershy blinked, deadpanning automatically regardless of whether or not the tentacle could see her.
“That’s… that’s not quite what I was expecting,” Fluttershy said slowly, setting the lantern down and tapping her hooves together.
“Oh, I get that all the time,” the tentacle chortled, again mystifying her as to how it even talked at all. “Everybody just saunters on in to the Everfree, thinking that I’m going to sell them insurance. Well, let me tell you, miss, that for as long as I’ve been in the Everfree Forest, I haven’t even once met a realtor.”
Fluttershy stared at the tentacle hovering around in front of her, and it suddenly extended toward her.
“The name’s Frank, by the way; pleasure to meet your acquaintance, miss.”
“I-I see,” Fluttershy took the slightly slimy tentacle tip in her hoof tentatively, her breath shuddering. “Well, Mister Frank, you weren’t really what I was looking for, but I think you might be just as good as a vine… maybe even better!” she said ecstatically.
“… What.”
“The Vines!” Fluttershy said more excitedly. “Oh, you don’t have to toy around with me, Mister Frank, unless you really want to – I promise not to run away. After all, I am simply so tired after all that walking through the Everfree, I don’t think I can possibly –”
“Tired?” Frank interrupted. “The exit’s right there!”
“Look,” Fluttershy stomped a hoof against the ground in frustration. “I don’t know how much easier I can make this for you!”
“Eas-ohhh,” Frank’s tentacle nodded up and down thoughtfully. “… You’re one of those.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” she glowered at him, uncertain as to whether or not he could actually see her.
“Oh, you’re all the same,” Frank grumbled angrily, a couple more tentacles rising from the ground and crossing across the first one like a pair of arms. “Always stumbling around the forest dressed up in Neighponese school filly outfits, sexually harassing polite and upstanding folks like myself.”
“Sexual harassment?” Fluttershy spluttered angrily. “I haven’t done anything – you’re the tentacle monster!” she shouted.
“Hey!” Frank said indignantly. “That was so rude! I’m not a monster! I’m a taxpaying citizen!”
“You’re made of tentacles! You’re a monster by default!”
“Miss,” Frank shouted, “the only things I use these tentacles for are farming and feeding my cat Mister Whiskers!”
“You’re supposed to be the assailant here – you know, the bad guy!”
“For crying out loud, lady, I just got out of AA! This is the entire reason I started drinking in the first place!”
“Oh, I give up!” Fluttershy yanked the lantern from the ground, tramping and stamping away infuriatedly toward the exit.
After a while, Frank was finally left in quiet, peaceful bliss. He was thankful that the crazy mare had finally left him alone, and slowly began to sidle back down into his home. Dinner was on the oven, and he didn’t want to let it burn before he shared it with Mister Whiskers.
Just before he had retreated completely into the ground, a shadow was cast over him, and he easily recognized it as the too-small flowing school skirt as the figure knelt silently behind him.
“So… I hear you like cats,” Iron Will tapped his fingers together timidly.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
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