Apple Milk

by Theobservantpilgrim

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Big Macintosh, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Applejack, Apple Bloom
Length: 4434

Tis the time of cider on Sweet Apple Acres, however Applebloom is also running her own business of selling a vile drink that she refers to as "Apple Milk." But just what is "Apple Milk?" You don't want to know. . . Or maybe y

During cider season the Apple family are going about their usual duties, however little Applebloom is going on a different business venture selling a different, much more sinister product. What entails is the various denizens of Ponyville giving their reactions to the drink.

Published 2013-12-04 20:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-04 20:20:04 UTC

Chapter 2: Drink the Rainbow, Don't Taste it!

Business at Sweet Apple Acres was booming, particularly because the farm was able to satiate so many more ponies than usual, which is a pleasant change of pace considering it is run by an ancient pony who defies death every time he comes ringing at the door, making him turn right around and wave to the upcoming Sombran Witnesses.

“One cup coming right up!” Said Granny Smith to the next pony in line. And with that she glanced over to see Applejack, one of the most dependable ponies in Ponyville, already at work knocking down the apples from one tree with a well delivered kick. But just as she was gathering the fallen fruits, a streak of red swung by and then disappeared, followed by a gust of wind that knocked Applejack clear off of her hooves. And just seconds later a fully filled tankard of fresh apple cider was set right in front of the customer. Talk about service!

Applejack, straightening her head and getting back on her hooves, hollered at the being responsible, a towering horse by the name of “Big Mac! Now darn it, that’s the fifth time this morning that’s happened! The least you could say is ‘pardon!’” Big Mac, however, was already zipping around from tree to tree like the nimblest of lumberjacks knocking down apples and delivering them to whatever containers he could find before they even hit the ground. While Big Mac was by no means a slouch or in any way lumbering, this demonstration of such astounding action was greatly different than usual. This, coincidentally, also entertained the line who watched a large red horse practically flying around tree tops and processing apples into cider.

Of course, these daring feats beyond replication of many naturally attracted one of the best fliers in all of Equestria, unfortunately she was caught up in other affairs so Rainbow Dash appeared instead. From her view, those in the line appeared little different than sprinkles on an obsessive compulsive individual’s ice cream cone, and Bic mac appeared to be the cherry syrup that said individual would pour over their ice cream to ruin it. Curious, she landed next to the familiar face, torso, and legs of Applejack with all the grace of an inebriated seagull.

“Wow, Applejack, your brother is totally nuts. What’s going on?”

“I don’t rightfully know. He just woke up like this and has pretty much been bucking the apples, smashing them, and filling cup after cup all morning long without rest. I tell you, I think I saw him go through a hundred trees in five minutes, and at this rate we’ll run out of apples sooner than we run out of customers.”

“Well, does this have anything to do with that apple milk your sister’s selling?”

“I don’t think that’s what it is. I mean, I had some this morning and I think I tasted it somewhere before. It must’ve came from one of the cows, though I think she must’ve mixed it with turpentine or something because it tastes awful strange.”

“Uh huh. So are you thinking about taking him to a doctor to get him checked out?”

“Well now why? I mean, I don’t see anything wrong with him, do you?”

“Alright. Well then I’ll have to get to the bottom of this!”

“Two problems: One, remember the last mystery that somepony looked into on this farm? We had to lose one of our best guard-chickens because of it, and I don’t think that child will ever recover. Second, I’m pretty sure you just want whatever’s making Bic Mac so energetic for yourself.”

“Oh come on, I don’t need any magic formula to make me a better flier. But if it just so happens to exist, I may as well see if it works for anypony else.”

“Just don’t go mucking this up, alright?”

“Oh please, wouldn’t ever do such a thing!” And with that Dash was off, soaring high into the sky and performing several acts of extravagance, and then landing right in front of the Apple Milk stand. “One please!”

Applebloom served the rainbow pegasus the viscous beverage who immediately finished it off in one gulp, as seems to come naturally. Her face contorted and her stomach seemed to be attacking her from the inside. Though she was a pony of hardened fortitude, this drink seemed to nearly knock her aside. However, the discomfort subsided, and when it had she piped up. “Is this Diet Coke?”

“No ma’m! It’s a secret recipe!”

Unsatisfied, Rainbow Dash looked into the face of the young pony, but could find no sign that she was lying. Disappointed, she assumed that she would have to continue her search at another time, and with that she took off.

Thoughts raced through her mind as she flew, trying desperately to piece together any clues as to the origin of the gooey drink. It tasted vile, then again many things taste as bad. It was thick, but that could be chalked up to it’s ingredients. Then it was white, and a lot of things on the farm were white, including the paint on the sign. The paint on the sign was white and so was the Apple Milk. The sign looked like the paint was applied rather generously, and there was no indication that the paint ran out at any point. And Applejack and her family probably kept a few buckets of paint left over just in case.

The more Dash thought, the more the connection became clear. The mere thought of what it was shook her to the core, and she tried with all her might to contain herself but it was all to no success, and in mid-flight over Ponyville she unleashed a torrent of vomit which formed into a cohesive sphere as it fell. There was nothing she could do, so she sped off and kept low in order to avoid any witnesses.

Though the sun beat hard, and she could sure use a drink, young Scootaloo continued with her mission of washing every window in Ponyville. It all started with the simple concept that just about any pony could wash their own window, but so few manage to do it well, and with this thought she knew that she could perhaps finally find her own cutie mark. Sure, window washing wasn’t much of a very glamorous job, but it would help to finally form some closure as to what lies ahead for the young pegasus. And with one last swipe of her rag, young Scootaloo finally finished her goal leaving every window in Ponyville spotless.

What machinations of imagination and magic that existed in the world had begun to set forth in motion the foundation for which shall lay forth the destiny of this young pony. She looked behind, at her own rear quarters, and saw on her flank what appeared to be a spot of light arising, and her astonishment at this was shown by how her mouth was agape. The light appeared to be marking out the symbol that shall finally announce to the world this pony’s destiny and abilities, and let all know that she had left behind the vestiges of childhood and would go on from this day forth as a mare.

At least, so she thought. For as this majestic moment was in progress, a shadow eclipsed the sun over this small pony. She looked up, and what joy she was experienced swiftly turned to terror. What her eyes beheld was a comet of the partly digested meals and cereal box toy hurtling straight towards her, and she hadn’t the time to react before it finally crashed.

She was stunned, and half of her face felt cool, yet coated in slime. Her mind was unable to comprehend what had happened, so she returned her gaze back to what she had recently accomplished. However, she was soon dismayed as the entire window was not only splattered with grime but also shattered from the impact of fluids at high velocity. She swallowed her pride, however she soon spat it back out after realizing pride wasn’t the only thing in her mouth. Reality began to set in, and she knew what just happened. She lost her chance at a cutie mark!

Chapter 3: The Cream of Science!

Business for Apple Milk was starting to pick up, and it was starting to attract some attention from the higher echelon of ponies who were in a more close proximity to their dearly beloved princess, the pardoned one who nearly enveloped the land in eternal darkness, and a nerd who became an alicorn for some reason or another. The growing popularity naturally required that investigation be carried out to determine the addictiveness of the substance so that it is not a repeat of the ecto-cooler and Catrina incident again. As such, the newly appointed princess, Twilight Sparkle, descended from on high and began her research. At least, that’s what she would put in the report. Really it was just an excuse to visit Ponyville again, which upon her arrival seemed to be a lot more covered in bile than usual.

Twilight saw a line that extended so far that the booth that it led to could not be found in sight to even a pony armed with a telescope, however with the humility of a commoner she took her place at the rear end of the line. It seemed as though eons have passed, as the line inched ever so slowly towards its destination, however she knew that such was necessary so as to find the revelation of Apple Milk.

Though the waiting was as boring as one would expect, it certainly was not uneventful, as Twilight saw body after body collapsing in the line and being dragged off to a ditch on the side of the road. It was clear they were all alive, but they wouldn’t be getting their spots back because of the royal dictation of no butting in line. This is especially true after that one time some red guy with a pipe wrench came and started going nuts, but many laws have been put in place so as to never speak of that moment ever again.

Another oddity was that one of the satisfied customers was a mother of ripe young age who had a stroller and a plank of wood tied to a string to pull around items along the dirt road. As should be expected, her infant was on the plank of wood and the bottle of cider was placed in the stroller. Every so often the child would fall off the plank of wood, but the mother being as attentive as a mother should be, ignored it every time, leaving it to constantly try and keep up with the mother and climb up back on the board each time. Before she disappeared from sight, Twilight could have sworn that she heard something along the lines of “Hey, let’s take a trip through that thorn patch!” With that, Twilight hoped that they did not live in a motel isolated in the middle of no-where.

After quite a great deal of time, Twilight finally arrived at the stand headed by some ancient pony. Now was the time to test out all the skill she learned regarding special operations, undercover tactics, and charisma from magic kindergarten. “Hello, I’d like to purchase a glass of Apple Milk please.” Genius.

“Next booth missy.” Said the elder. Twilight studied the prune face of this old bat vigorously and could tell she was lying, and subsequently made a mental note to throw her in the dungeon after the investigation was over. Regardless, this well of information seemed to be dry, and so Twilight relinquished her place in line to the next pony, but just as she had she saw a booth with juvenile scribbles written on a hanging sign above it that offended every sense she had. She could not let such a travesty go unpunished so she went on to investigate so that she may throw the culprit of such a literary crime in the dungeon. Her expertise, of course, led her to young Applebloom who was managing the booth from behind.

Twilight stood in front of the booth, and with the infiltration skills of even the most skilled saboteur and spy, she gathered her information. “Hey Applebloom, what are you selling?”

“Oh, howdy Twilight! Fancy seein’ you here. I got myself a hot new drink called Apple Milk, wanna try some?”

At last! Her astounding prowess has finally made her search fruitful. With ever the wit, she knew that she still had Applebloom’s trust and could use her as a lead for any other narcotic investigations, so it would be best if she acquired the evidence as sly as she could. “Alright, sure. But I’m going to need plenty of it. I’m sure many of the folks in Canterlot would appreciate it.” Ha, ‘folks’, throwing in slang is certain to make this young dealer comply.

“Well, I guess, but one jug is all I have, what with all the business lately. Anyways, here you are!” She placed a large glass jug filled with thick white paste on the counter of the hick construction. Twilight, with all the grace of a princess, lifted it up with the power of magic. “I suppose that’s it for today. Hey Big Mac, help me put away the stand!”

Both Applebloom and Twilight could hardly react when a gust of wind followed by a flurry of crimson color caused a miniature tornado surrounding the two before it disappeared in the distance. And after the whole ordeal was over, in the stands place was a pile of wooden boards, a bucket of nails, and the wooden sign.

“What was that?” Exclaimed Twilight.

“Oh, that was Big Mac. He’s been like that all day.”

“Has he been sleeping in an oxygen tent or something?”

“No, I’m pretty sure I’d notice that.”

“I see.” Twilight then observed the jug carefully. “And is this all natural?”

“Yes ma’m.”

“Well, that explains a lot.” And without another word Twilight returned back to Canterlot.

When Twilight returned, she immediately went to her laboratory to perform some tests. The first of which being to determine whether or not the drink was poisonous. “Spike! Come here please.” In a moment a small purple reptilian with green fins entered the room and quickly approached her. It’s gait was shameful, and Twilight made yet another mental note to see about testing her new correctional techniques later to fix this. However in the meanwhile she knew she must focus on the task at hand. “Here, drink this.” She said, pouring a glass full of the pearl jam.

Spike was elated and practically jumped with joy, though his stout form refused him this action. Regardless, he took the glass and quickly swallowed the contents. Licking his lips, his first response was a belch followed by “I think I tasted this before, what is it?”

Twilight did not respond, after all she had no reason to address the test subject. Instead, she studied him. “Alright, it seems like nothing has changed. How are you feeling?”

“Well I feel alright. What was that stuff you gave me?”

“Intriguing.” As is the common course of action in any scientific experiment, she had a glass of the groggy substance herself. Immediately she was awash with the taste of spinach which nearly made her heave, but she kept herself from degrading her alicorn appearance with such a commoner act. “Thank you Spike, that’ll be all. Now go in your room until I require your assistance.”

The loyal dragon nodded and left the room. With the distraction gone, she set to work on experimenting on the substance to determine its origin. She knew she had tasted it before, but still she could not exactly place where or by relation what it was. She placed a good portion into one of the many beakers she had and set it into a contraption composed of tubes and glass and began to mix in all manner of potion and ingredient, observing the reactions they had. It began to bubble, and then it turned red. She thought this was a rather disquieting reaction and began to back away, knowing nothing good could come of this. But before she could retreat to the safety of the closet, there was a loud explosion that blasted her against a wall, knocking her unconscious.

Both the room and Twilight were covered in violent streaks of maroon, though Twilight was more damaged and covered in a number of slashes from the exploding glass. They were superficial wounds, though the red viscera that coated the room greatly exaggerated this. Naturally this noise attracted the presence of Spike, who came into the room.

“What was that noise?” He searched and quickly found Twilight laying splayed across the floor and wall and immediately rushed to her, shaking her with his claws. “Twilight? Twilight! Wake up Twilight!” But it was all to no avail. Her limp body would not awaken. And what's worse, Spike wasn’t the only one that the explosion attracted. A few guards followed into the room, taking in the scene that displayed a crime which Equestria has never known. A crime that could have only been committed by the most vile of creatures. So obviously they arrested the dragon. Although arrest is being generous as he was taken and thrown in jail as he was caught most literally red handed.

Twilight awoke several hours later, and after having the castle staff clean after the mess and washing herself, she returned to her princessly duties. But yet something kept pressing in the back of her mind, as though she forgot something. Oh well, it would have to wait until after she sent her report to the princess.

Chapter 5: Le Denouement: Cheese Language for The End

Morning came and the evidence of the terror of last night remained on the floor, a tarp which was brought in from the barn to help prevent messes and a bucket that was crusted with something that was once white though now took on a more yellowish hue. It was only natural for Big Mac to assume this was from the dairy portion of the farm, and as such he replaced it along with the others once he began his day, never speaking again of the night before. However, him performing farm work today was about as interesting as watching paint dry. This doesn’t count if you’re Pinkie Pie because the last time that happened she contemplated existence which shows that even that isn’t boring for her.

Yes, it seems that all the supernatural powers that were given to Big Mac the day before were gone now, just like every boy band member’s career. Now, and forever, Big Mac would remain the same simple pony of average abilities helping on the farm. Unfortunately, because his service of yesterday became legendary and there was still a line of extraordinary length at the cider booth, many potential customers were dissatisfied. This led to the great cider riots which began and ended in the same day resulting in several destroyed potted plants, a constipated cow, and one pony was rendered in a wheeled office chair for two full hours. Everypony at the incident agreed that it was too frightful, disorganized, and involved too many gerbils to be made of any note in any paper abiding by standards of decency.

Applebloom hardly spoke for several days, however when she was brought to the hospital to see what was wrong the doctor didn’t even look at her and said “Shark week, am I right?” After a while, she became her normal self, planting bits on train tracks and sneaking chocolates into Winona the dog’s food and engaging in a number of schemes with her band of crusaders. So all in all, the status quo became maintained for this Equestrian family, at least until the next catastrophic disaster caused by a being of unreasonable power starts yucking royally.

So remember kids and manchildren, drink your “milk.”

Chapter 1: A Challenger Appears!

Among the average fanfair that comes with the changing of the seasons from Summer to Autumn there comes about an event that everypony looks forward to which ushers in a great celebration throughout the entire town: Pinkie Pie loses consciousness. Of course, this is all thanks to the wondrous efforts of the Apple family who happen to supply the gallons upon gallons of cider that is necessary to nearly euthanize the pink pony, like a tribute to their insidiously malevolent overlord. With their crownless queen incapacitated, the other ponies who were aware of the occasion formed a line that spanned from the farm to the four corners of Equestria, which recently underwent remodeling so as to be a more cube shape than usual.

However, no line was formed next to the stall that sold the drinks of eviscerated apple flesh. After all, who would dare to even glance at the small booth with a sign over it which read “Apple Milk!” with all the letters spelled backwards, especially the A, l, and M. The lettering on the sign was so crude that it could have been written by a creature with down syndrome but is impressive for an animal with hooves, the same hoofed creature which also managed the booth. It was young Applebloom who was peddling her own wares out of the ramshackle construction, but “wares” is a tad generous as all she had next to her was two large clear jugs filled to the brim with some substance that smelled, looked, and had a similar consistency as glue. All seemed to be as lost as the third game in any Valve series, but not for long as who else should approach but Miss Cheerilee, the local educator.

“Well hello Applebloom, today’s certainly a fine day for cider, isn’t it?” Cheerilee stated.

Applebloom did not seem as optimistic, and that if she hadn’t lived in a world of nudists she probably would have taken up wearing black and listening to awful music. “I suppose.”

“Is something a matter?”

The young pony sighed. “I just haven’t had a customer all day. I don’t get it, I worked all night making this Apple milk and haven’t seen a bit all morning!”

Always encouraging, which may explain Berry Punch’s “not an addiction”ism, Cheerilee made a terrifying decision. “I tell you what, how about I be your first customer?”

“Really? Alrighty, one Apple Milk coming right up!” And in a short moment she lifted one of the jugs and filled a cup with the viscous liquid. Apprehensive, though continually supporting, Cheerilee closed her eyes and gulped it down.

“This tastes, well, unique. And also familiar.” Said Cheerilee who was resisting the urge to retch

“Oh, well that’d have to be the food coloring. It wasn’t white enough so I added a bit of color to it.”

“Oh, okay. By the way, how did you get this? I don’t remember your farm being a dairy.”

“Sorry Miss, but that’s a trade secret. Not even my big sis knows!”

“I see. Very well then, I suppose I’ll hurry along now. Don’t give up, business will improve eventually.”

“Alright, I will!”

And with that, Cheerilee took her leave, root, and the whole dang tree as she sped the other way and into some bushes to empty the contents of her stomach. She emerged back onto the road afterwards, going into a state of thought as she walked, trying to place where she tasted the drink before.

Chapter 4: What Bumps in the Night. . .With a Bucket!

The day was over and though the line remained outside the abandoned stand, those who managed it were absent and fast asleep in their humble abode. Though one member of this fraction of an extended family kept awake, prepared to engage in an act of a most sinister nature.

She had learned from her mistakes the night before, and knew exactly where to step to make the least noise, not that it mattered much considering the family slept through one of the moonshine still explosions once. She crept up to the door across the way, the one that she knew led to her brother’s room. Slowly and carefully, she twisted the knob and pushed the door inwards. She neared the bed, keeping sure and testing the floor every time so as not to make any creak. Once there, she set down her equipment, the bucket to her left and laid the tarp beneath her. It may be a crime against all that is natural, but by the end of the day she did get rid of all her stock. Repeating this in her mind, it became a mantra that comforted her as she prepared to drain another great deal of the very essence of life from her dear brother.

It should have gone easy. But her luck seemed to have ran out, for the large stallion’s eyes opened and immediately spotted the small red bow and underneath it was the frame of his little sister, Applebloom. Applebloom took notice of this, and their eyes met in a stare of awkward proportions not seen since yet another unspeakable moment in Equestrian history. For a full hour, they simply stared at each other, but eventually Big Mac broke the gaze first and looked around, seeing the tin pail next to Applebloom. He then looked back at her and asked “Applebloom, why are you in my room?”

Applebloom breathed deeply before she responded. “I don’t know?” The lack of conviction was clear and present in her voice.

“Applebloom, why do you have a bucket?”

Her lungs inflated as she sucked in air, before she quickly rushed it out. “I don’t know?”

“Applebloom, I’m naked. Please leave.” Beads of sweat began to gather upon Big Mac’s brow. Though he was a stallion of magnificent strength and speed, he was truly terrified.

In and out. In and out. Applebloom breathed much more heavily and her eyes stayed wide open, focused on her brother in his bed as she backed out of the room slowly before closing the door shut. Big Mac laid awake all night, contemplating all that would have entailed had he not intervened. However, after several hours he succumbed to the typical mortal slumber, and thankfully was not disturbed in any manner that night.