My Life In Equestria

Kids I wasn't always one of the richest businessman in Equestria.  No I led a simpler life.  Playing video games, and listening to old Frank Sinatra songs.  I'm going to tell you all about my crazy arrival in Equestria.

It was like any other Friday night.  Playing Battlefield Four with my asshole friend Dan, with the Fallout: New Vegas soundtrack playing in the background.  Life was good.

"That's it, you dick, get the fuck out of the god damn helicopter," I said.

"Aww is someone a little mad?" Dan said in the most babyish voice he could manage.

"Fuck off, and get out of my spawn!" I yelled in rage.

"Ha ha ha. How's that feel bitch?" Dan asked.

"Fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu..." then my mic cut out, as I launched my controller at my 360 as hard as I could.

Next thing I saw I couldn't believe.  It was a strange swirling vortex.  It was purple, and blue. It came from my Xbox.  That didn't make any sense.  In my confused state I decided to do something which, admittedly looking back on it, was pretty stupid.  I got off my bed, and started walking toward the swirling vortex in my room.  As I drew near it seemed like the vortex was sucking me in. Like it had it's own gravitational pull, but I was the only thing it was affecting. Then an even stupider teenage thought creeped into my head. Touch it my brain said.  So like the impulsive hormonal teenage boy I was, I tried to touch it, then next thing I know, I'm out cold.

Kids when I woke up shock wouldn't have been the correct word to describe what I felt.  No hysteria is a much better word.  I awoke to finding another person right in my face.  Middle aged, long scraggly beard, and as soon as I woke up, the asshole screams right in my face.  "Great some insane mother fucker", is what I thought to myself.  I got up to find he wasn't the only one around thank god, only to be disappointed to see everyone else screaming at each other like lunatics.  Just my luck.  Then I noticed something else, they were all naked, and all of them were really hairy.  Then I noticed that we were in a forest of some sort.  Then I remembered the portal. "Oh great did that stupid thing suck me back to the beginning of the human race?" I thought to myself.  I checked myself to make sure these dangerous fuckers didn't hurt me to find I too was naked.  Then I heard a voice behind me.

"Mommy why is that one not so hairy?" a young child's voice said.

"It's probably young sweetie," said the apparent mother.

I turned around. To see that I was behind a giant fence.  As you may assume I was really starting to panic. I also noticed that the voices cam from two colorful ponies?  That didn't make sense,I had to have been on drugs, or going insane myself, but sure enough two colorful ponies talking about me.

"Lady please you gotta help me get out of here, I don't belong in a cage," I said to the apparent mother.

"Oh isn't that just so cute they taught this one to, pretend to be in distress, and ask to get out," she said.

I was really panicking now. After that she would just think I was acting to entertain her, and her stupid kid.  No way was I spending the rest of my days in a cage with these feral fuckers. I jumped onto the cage, and began to climb.  With this action the woman began to shriek, and must've called security, because as soon as my feet touched the ground on the other side I felt a dart hit my neck.

"Tranquilizer, fuck my life," I said.

When I woke up, I found my hands were bound behind my back, and I was locked in a tiny metal cage that I couldn't even stand in.  I decided to take in my surroundings, a bunch of animals in cages, if I had to guess at this point I was in a zoo.  Across the room I saw two ponies, one just slightly larger than the other, and tried to focus on their conversation.

"Are you sure that you heard the human talk?" a masculine voice said.

"Yes, he even knew that I had shot him with a tranquilizer," a effeminate voice said.

"Alright, when it wakes up give it an apple, and some water, then bring it to my office," the masculine voice said.  With that he turned and walked to what I assumed was his office.  The female pony came walking toward me.

"Wow you're awake early," she said, "I shot you with a gorilla tranquilizer, I'm surprised you're awake."  Normally I'd be pretty pissed that someone would shoot me with tranquilizer, but given the circumstances I just thought it was part of her job.  "Here let me get you out of that cage," she said.  She unlocked the cage, and undid my bindings.  "My boss wants to see you," she said, "but first, lets get you something to eat, and drink."

"Thank you," I said.  I followed her to a kitchen.

"Here," she said.  She handed me a plate of sliced apples, and a glass of water.

"Thank you,"  I said.  I ate the apple slices, and drank the water.  "Is there anything that I did wrong to get locked in a tiny metal cage?" I asked.

"No, but you did escape from the human exhibit," she said, "I couldn't be sure if you were dangerous."

"Fair enough," I said. "Shall we go see your boss?" I asked. She smirked.

"Right this way," she said.