Derpy Eats a Sandwich

by derpyholic

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Derpy Hooves, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other
Length: 1098

Derpy Eats a sandwich... And some mild hilarity ensues

The sandwich. That awe inspiring sandwich. It just had to be hers, and so it was. Gordon ramsey was a wonderful cook after all, and heck! If you get greeted by magical flying sandwiches in the afterlife, why not choke on your sandwich?

WARNING. Fic contains:
Extremely mild scootaloo chicken jokes
Excess stupidity
Lots and lots of sandwiches
A [censored]load of [censored] profanity

Published 2013-11-20 01:40:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-20 01:40:04 UTC

Derpy Eats a Sandwich

There it was.

Sitting in the warm golden glow of the noonday sun, the incredible aroma wafting around the room like scootaloo fleeing from colonel sanders. It was undoubtedly the most perfect sandwich derpy had ever laid eyes on. The scrumptious eatable was grilled to a light golden brown for the perfect amount of crunch. The dandelions that lay piled within were freshly picked and a bright shade of pure yellow. This was no ordinary sandwich, oh no. this sandwich deserved its own theme music. It deserved fifteen percent off all Wal-Mart purchases of fifty dollars or more. It deserved to be worshipped as the almighty sandwich god! Such a perfect sandwich…

… And all derpys for the taking

The Pegasus master of muffins and derp crept forward with a menacing grin plastered across her adorable fluffy grey face. That sandwich would be hers, oh yes; there was no doubt about that. Her malicious hunger for sandwich destruction had taken complete control of her soul and was driving her forever onward. Her mind was raveling to places she had never perceived it was able to go, biting, nibbling, and licking. Just the thought of that incredible sandwich was slowly driving her to madness. She absolutely had to have it, so have it she did.

The cuddly blonde derp machine gently caressed the almighty food creation in her hoof, inhaling deeply as to force as much of its intoxicating scent into her nasal passages as possible. She ever so tentatively extended her little pink tongue, grazing the edges of the crisp crust. Her eyes dilated and her wings flared open. The sandwich did not respond for alas it was a sandwich and could feel no emotion towards the seemingly erotic display.

With the ferocity of a thousand mildly agitated beavers derpy tore into the sandwich, taking a large bite out of one of its corners. Instantaneously her heart rate and breathing slowed due to the incredible amazingness of the sandwich. The incredible power of the sandwich overcame her as she continued to methodically gnaw through the heavenly golden bread and soft yellow flowers.

With one final climactic bite the sandwich was completely devoured. She had consumed the entire thing in one big sandwichgasmic frenzy. A look of horrified realization appeared across her face, causing her to slowly slide to the floor in shock of what she had just done. Without the almighty sandwich she was nothing, without the almighty sandwich she was only derpy hooves, only. She slowly probed her teeth with her tongue, picking the remnants of crumbs and flower petals from between them. She didn’t even know what to do with her life anymore. With a solemn sigh she climbed to her hooves and trudged out of the kitchen.

“What’s wrong Derpy?” Gordon Ramsey asked, turning over the now sizzling carcass of what once was fluttershys' abusive rabbit on a small Bunsen burner in derpys' living room.

“My sandwich is all gone” she sighed, sitting down and resting her face on her hooves wallowing in her own self pity.

“A sandwich? A [censored] sandwich?! I can make you a [censored] sandwich!” Gordon leapt to his feet; there was no time to lose! He slithered into the kitchen and dropped angel bunnies’ still steamy corpse on a cutting board. After some methodic slicing and a few balloon animals the sandwich was complete.

“The flavor of this sandwich is so [censored] rich it has its own [censored] stock shares!” Gordon exclaimed, setting the steaming delicacy in front of derpys’ nose. “Eat the [censored] sandwich or I’ll [censored] you in your [censored] [censored] sideways!”

Derpy didn’t need to be told twice. She opened her adorable little maw and crammed the sandwich down her throat. Her pupils dilated and her jaw hung limp with drool dripping from her lip as the camera in your mind’s eye zoomed out to reveal Derpy sitting in a magical sandwich land! Sandwich birds fluttered by on rye wings, dropping the occasional dollop of mayo on those below. Herds of wild cheeseburgers grazed in a nearby meadow and a magical hoagie alicorn stood before Derpy. Its French bread wings outstretched and lettuce mane flapping beautifully in the ever dramatic breeze.

“Come young derpy, there is no time for us to waste.” Its booming voice seemed to emanate from everywhere and bored into derpys very soul.

“Where are we going?”

To the afterlife derpy, you seemed to have choked upon a poorly sliced chunk of rabbit. I am but a figment of your imagination used to enhance the plotline and add to the overall comedic affect”

“I’m dead?!”

“Yes. Quite tragic if I do say so myself, but I am only an imagination sandwich so what do I know?”

On that note, derpy fluttered onto the majestic sandwiches back, taking a few seconds to ogle its golden buttered haunches. With an exuberant cheer of unknown origin they flew off into the sunset and had lots of sandwich pony babies and lived happily ever after.

Just kidding!

Derpy hooves awoke to find herself sitting in her house, on the floor, naked, and completely and utterly alive in every sense of the word. She was so alive she could even hear Gordon Ramsey’s yelling from the other side of the house.

“What the [censored] is this?! This chicken is so [censored] undercooked it’s still looking for its [censored] cutie mark!” (Yes, I know yet another scootaloo chicken joke, but in all seriousness if you take these seriously then I suppose you need to chill and find someplace to unrustle your jimmies)

She was so alive that she decided to do something! She raced out the door and towards the library, where she proceeded to tie up twilight as so she could make use of her teleporter. She proceeded to teleport herself to the ol’ US of A where she decided to run against Barack Obama in the presidential campaigns. She won by a landslide (considering she’s all cute and cuddly and Obama most certainly is not) and proclaimed that all currency was to be replaced with muffins! But unfortunately ponies don’t understand economics or politics so the entire economy collapsed and the US was captured by the Canadians who basically just walked in and asked for control nicely.

Suddenly derpy woke up. She had had a good night’s rest, and she was looking forward to the dandelion sandwich she had made the night before (cue dramatic music brought on by a sense of déjà vu and self realization of a final mild plot twist.