Fallout: Equestria - Infamy

Fallout: Equestria - Infamy

Chapter Two: Aftermath

By: TheEggroller

“I have an even more essential task for you to complete: make some friends!”

        Gone.

        Gone and empty. Gone, is what I saw, and empty is what I felt. It’d only been a day since my life just got even the slightest bit interesting, but within that day my home town was blown off the face of Equestria. How would that make a pony feel? Sad? Possibly… could they be mad, and confused? Heck, they might even be happy!

        Me? I just felt empty. I no longer had a home. The ones I held close and called the ‘family that I’ve never had’ were just as gone.

        A plume of smoke, dust, ash, and green fire erupted into the sky, leaving behind a fiery emerald light in it’s wake. I was only glad that the dust cloud kept around the town, so I wouldn’t have to see the gorey tragedy within… If there even was anything left in there. I felt my legs shake underneath me as I collapsed onto my stomach. My PipBuck began to make a click clicka click, and an audible blip told me that I was beginning to receive some radiation; I paid no attention to the now increasingly annoying blips.

         With wide eyes and jaw hung open, I watched as the dust mostly cleared and the green inferno danced through the sky before me. My eyes could also see a silhouette through the dense smoke. I rubbed my eyes with my dirty hooves, and the smudge was gone.  I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. It was impossible to take in what I was seeing, had anyone survived? I wouldn’t even be able to go over and check for myself without potentially ending my life.

This is all a dream. All I would have to do is jump off this cliff and wake up, right? Somehow, amazingly, I doubted that was the case.

        I bowed my head down so that I could cry, but no tears came. The emptiness inside me was a void that continued to suck away any emotions I tried to feel.

So, I didn’t feel anything.

        I stood up and turned my back to the burning rubble filled dust cloud I once called home, and trotted away. I couldn’t even hear their screams.

---     ---     ---

        I’m not sure how long I walked for; I wasn’t even sure on where I was exactly heading. I just knew that I wouldn’t be able to sit and watch Neighside burn to ashes. My legs ached and felt numb, but I kept on going. I left the hills and small cliffs behind me, now walking in a barren part of the wastes. A few tumbleweeds bounced past me, swept away from a spare blowing wind. Shadows of trees and other dead plants fell over me as the cloud-covered sky overhead began to darken into a deep grey.

        How could my life get so fucked up in one measly day? On a regular basis it would be wake up, work, drink… maybe have a little fun time with a cute mare or stallion, and then sleep.

        And all this day had been was wake up, fight off invaders, learn that I’ve got terrible aim, get kidnapped and almost raped… again; I even watched my town blow up! The realization that I was almost raped three times within the span of two days settled in on my mind for a bit. It was slightly flattering, if not terrifying in a deeply disturbing way. Those thoughts were soon scattered away, though. At the sound of a distant wasteland creature howling into the night. Stopping in my tracks, I looked around in the gloom. I had no idea where I was, and there were no signs of life to be seen anywhere near me.

        A wave of panic began to wash over me. Where was I supposed to go? What was I supposed to do? I turned a complete three-sixty in hopes that I would be able to find some sort of town, or shelter, even just another pony! I stood there as darkness began to settle in. I almost started to give up hope when I saw a faint flickering in the distance. I squinted my eyes towards the source and began to move forward. It appeared to be a series of lights. Just over some far away hilltops. A town maybe?

        Heading into a full on sprint I raced towards the source. As I drew closer my hopes of a town had vanished. The flashes were too frequent and small to be coming from a house. The cracking and popping sounds of gunshots could be heard as I approached ever closer. A few overturned sky carriages laid scattered about. I hid behind one, hearing the growing increasingly annoying clicks of the radiation. I looked around, seeing a glowing red on the E.F.S. Among all the red, though. I saw a lone white bar. That bar seemed to be moving quite fast as I watched it soar along in my vision.

        Daring myself to peek out from behind the carriage, I spotted five filthy ponies shooting up in the air. They were all dressed in tattered clothing that I assumed to be some sort of poorly made body armor as most of their flesh was visible and unprotected; that was all I was able to make out from the intense flashing of gunfire. Between the noise of the gunfire I could make out taunts that the ponies on the ground were shouting.

        “I can’t wait to count out your caps!”

        “Somebody call a doctor, we got a bleeder!”

        “Rock on!”

        Weirdos.

        A stray bullet pinged off the broken, metal sky carriage I was behind which caused me to jump in alarm. One of the red bars disappeared off the E.F.S. Which I assumed meant that one of them had to be dead, or at least out of range. I held my breath as a few more bullets pinged off the ruined skywagon, and one by one, the red bars flickered out. Leaving the lone white bar standing all by itself.

        I wanted to peek out and see who it was, but my legs wouldn’t budge; I was stuck as still as a rock. My ears picked up the sound of rummaging and some mutters along with it. Then I felt my heart stop as the rummaging died away, and I felt eyes piercing through the skywagon at me. Closing my eyes, I slowly whispered to myself, “please no please no please no…”

        Slowly opening my eyes again, though. I slowly turned my head around. The white bar was out of sight. I let out a relieved breath and looked up.

        Everyone a mile away could hear my scream from the sight of the beak and eyes of my ex-boyfriend as I thumped him upside the head.

---     ---     ---

        “Agh, holy Celestia, Sherry…” the black griffon groaned as he held a talon to his head, where he clutched it in pain. “Fantastic way of saying ‘hey! long time no see!’” he groaned again and gripped his head even tighter. A small red bump starting to form on the top of it.

        “Sorry! Beak! You scared me!” I flushed as I rubbed the back of my neck with a sheepish look. “It’s your own fault for sneaking up on me!”

The griffon known as Beak Buckley chuckled to himself, “same old Sherry…” he got back up onto his paws and claws. I noticed that there was a slight bump on his head and I felt another stab of guilt. The black griffon stood tall, and I took in his muscular figure. On his head was a tuft of black feathers that were slicked back. From the rest on down there were midnight-colored feathers strung about on his features until you reached down to his body. Covering most of his chest and beyond was a greyish armor that complimented his colors well. Under that, though. His body was that of a lion’s, where his front legs ended in talons, and his back legs ended in paws. The most fascinating thing, though. Were his black feathered wings.

“Sherry?”

I snapped out of my trance and peeled my eyes off of his body, “huh?” I received a funny look from him in return and he opened his beak to speak again.

“What are you doing all the way out here?” He asked me, “Neighside is at least five miles west from here.” My heart sank and my limbs grew cold and my thoughts got jumbled. My eyes were drawn to the dead bodies of those ponies from earlier, what were they shooting at him for?

“I-I uh…” Shit. What am I supposed to tell him? ‘Yeah, I’m out here because I was a complete dumbass trying to kill mercenaries, and when I was headed back from almost getting raped the third time in two days, Neighside blew up!’

Something must have registered on my face to him, because he cocked a brow at me, and asked, “You alright, Sherry?”

“Ha, yeah! Just fine!” I plastered a fake smile on my face that was as wide as could be. Beak continued to give me a quizzical look as my eye twitched.

“Well, if you say so.” He said as he began to gather his things. “Why don’t I escort you back home?” Home? Oh shit.

“N-No! I’m uh, on a special delivery! Yeah!” I said as my smile widened. I received another quizzical look from Beak.

“For your bar?...” Shit. I’m a terrible liar. I knew I wasn’t about to get myself out of this hole I had just dug for myself so I decided to dig it even deeper.

“Yep! Somepony wanted a nice bottle of Wild Pegasus!” With a glow of my horn I opened my saddle bags to pull out my very own bottle of Wild Pegasus that I had planned on drinking later. “Er, it’s here somewhere…” I mentally reached for where I believed I had thrown it into my bag, but to no avail. With an annoyed huff I unstrapped my bags and looked inside to get a better look. “W-What the?! How could this happen, there’s no way!”

Beak instantly perked up, “huh? What is it?” He leaned in for a closer look as I held my bags up to him. He cocked a brow, “Uh, I don’t see anything wr-”

        “It’s all organized and… stuff!” I exclaimed. The reason for my surprise is because I’m regularly a huge slob. I mean, have you seen my room?

Beak pointed to my left forehoof. “It’s probably because of that.” I looked down to it and lifted my hoof up.

“What about it?”

Facehoof, or, in this case, faceclaw. Why is everyone doing that with me so recently?

Beak sighed and reached out for it. He pressed a few buttons then brought it up to my face. On it there was a list of everything I had in my bags. Everything right down to my… uh… nevermind that. “Your PipBuck has an inventory management spell.” He told me with a flat look.

“Oh yeah, hehe. I tend to forget things.” I said as I rubbed the back of my neck.

“Yes, Sherry, I know.”

“You do?”

Facehoof, er, claw.

---     ---     ---

So, Neighside is gone. I no longer have a place to call home. Neighside had been the only place I ever knew in the Equestrian Wasteland, and to watch it explode before my eyes from… whatever the hell had blown it numbed my mind. It numbed my mind to a point where I wasn’t even able to bring the situation up to Beak. Why can’t stupid words just come out of my mouth?

I clenched my eyes shut, and grit my teeth in frustration as I walked along next to my ex. Fuck it, I’m going to tell him.

“Are we there yet?” Right after I ask that super important question.

The irritation on Beak’s face was very apparent as he made no attempt to hide it. “For the hundredth and seventh time Sherry… no, we are not.”

“Oh, okay…” We walked in silence for a few more minutes before I spoke up again. “Hey, Beak?”

The griffon spoke through gritted teeth. “Dammit, Sherry… I swear…” A small part of me felt guilty for angering Beak with my constant bombardment of questions, but that guilt was soon pushed to the back of my mind as I finally decided to spill the beans.

“I-” I began, but was interrupted.

“There! There it is! Now will you stop asking?!” Beak pointed straight ahead of us as we made it to the top of the hill we were climbing. I stopped on the peak of the hill and peered down at the town where I saw a few ponies milling about. It wasn’t a big town. I saw a few buildings that looked like they would be stores, and a few more that littered around those buildings that looked like they used to be houses back before the war. When I turned to Beak to ask who lived there, I found that he was no longer beside me.

“Beak?” I asked, to thin air as I looked to the left, right, and behind me. Then I spotted him about twenty yards away from me up in the air, and headed straight for the town. “Beak!” I shouted at him as I raced down the hill after him, but the griffon didn’t seem to have any interest in slowing down. “Beak!”

He turned back to face me and stuck his tongue out in my direction and blew a raspberry. Then, with an nearly evil grin he said, “See ya there, I’m not listening to your annoying babbling anymore!” Beak turned and began to fly off towards the town again.

“Not fair!” I shouted at him.

“And so was the entire year I dated you!” He added.

… Damn.

---     ---     ---

The door to the saloon slammed open, ringing the bell above it, and all eyes turned on me. The saloon was dark, not very well lit, except for sunlight barely creeping through the dirty windows and two or three light bulbs hung limply from the ceiling. The few ponies that occupied the inside of the bar kept their attention on me for a few more seconds, before losing interest and going back to their games of pool and drinking of alcohol.

It wasn’t hard to spot Beak, considering the lack of ponies in the room, and him being the only griffon present. He was sitting at the bar counter, and I marched right up to him, opening my mouth to give him a piece of my mind, and say a few mare-swears. I barely opened my mouth when Beak shoved a Sunrise Sarsaparilla in my face. He smirked, he knew he’d gotten himself out of trouble.

“Forgiven,” I muttered, swiftly taking the drink and gulping it down. “For now.” What can I say? Free drinks of any kind are a ticket out of trouble with me. I took a seat on the barstool next to Beak as I finished off the few last drops of the tasty drink. My PipBuck began to tick a bit, but I ignored it, dismissing it as something I wasn’t really interested in at the moment.

“Don’t you have something to deliver?” Beak asked me as I discarded the bottle, which I noted did not come with a cap. My stomach turned queasy at the question.

“Uh, yeah. I delivered it before I came here.” I lied to him. He accepted the answer with a nod, and lifted his claw to his beak to take a gulp of his own drink. A Sparkle-Cola. Beak licked his… beak. Huh. He doesn’t exactly have lips... So, yeah. Beak licked the excess beverage off his beak and set it down on the counter.

“So, do you plan on staying?” He asked me, as the mare I assumed to be the bar mare came over and collected the empty bottle of Sunrise Sarsaparilla. The earth pony mare eyed me for a moment, and then a pleasant, almost motherly smile crept up onto her face.

My attention was diverted from Beak as I looked at the mare and blinked. “Uh...” Was all that escaped out of my mouth. The mare’s coat was a light, faded yellow and her mane was a crisp brown that mixed together to make her quite attractive to look at. Even if she did look to be twenty to thirty years older than me.

“Oh, pardon me.” She said with a light laugh. “It’s not often that we get many visitors here in Pleasantry, and the few that we do get barely stay for more than a few hours.” Pleasantry, I remembered was the name of the town that Beak told me we were headed to, and being the terrible liar I am. I told him that this is exactly where I was delivering to. Something else that was to be noticed about this mare is that her voice was very soothing, soft even. It reminded me of when Spurs used to hold me and tell me everything was fine when I was a young filly and I had heard gunshots, and other wasteland monsters during the night.

Oh goddesses. Spurs. The thought of my most likely dead guardian drove my train of thought of thought off the tracks, causing me to choke up. “Hun, you alright?” The barmare asked me with a touch of concern in her voice.

“I-” My voice trembled badly and I choked up again, trying to play it off as a cough. “I’m fine.” I managed to choke out. The yellow mare eyed me with concern, then ducked down behind the counter, coming back up with a bottle of what looked like to be dirty water.

“On the house.” She told me as I took it with my magic and chugged half of it. My PipBuck began to make that obnoxious clicking noise again so I lifted my hoof and shook it around. As if that would do anything to help. “You got one of them fancy PipBucks too, eh?” I looked up towards her as she kept up that kind smile of hers. “I saw one other pony with one of them just last week, and get this, that pony was shot in the head, and lived!”

The first thought that came to my mind was who in the hay lives through a head shot? But, hearing it from this mare’s mouth made it hard to disbelieve. Though, I should consider that she is a barmare and she is used to hearing stories from drunks. “I’m Sherry.” I noted between drinks, realizing that I didn’t know this mare’s name yet. I extended my PipBuck hoof to her.

She bumped my hoof, “Moody.”

        “Nice to meet you, Moody.” I replied with a smile. Beak seemed to be lost in his own thoughts as he stared up at the ceiling, resting his back legs on the counter, and spinning his now empty bottle of Sparkle-Cola on the tip of his talon.

        “So,” Moody began, “are you going to be stayin’ here for a while?” She asked me. “Cuz, if you are, I’m sure that folks around the town would just love to meet ya!” I glanced at Beak again, who was still absent mindedly lost in his thoughts.

        “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to stay a while.” Because you’ve got nowhere else to go… Moody’s smile widened with happiness at my response. The doorbell rang, and a short mare, around my age or a bit younger, walked inside with a shaggy dog at her hooves.

        The mare trotted up to the counter with a friendly smile and nodded at me. She wore what I recognized to be leather armor with a gun strapped to her back. Then I noticed that she wasn’t just a normal earth pony or unicorn, but a pegasus. Her light blue wings stuck out of slits from her armor, and her deep, crimson mane fell down to her neck while a few strands hung in front of her eyes. “Ah, Sherry, meet Sunshine Skies!” Moody said as she gestured between me and the pegasus.

        Sunshine Skies smiled and nodded at me, raising her hoof in a wave. “Howdy!” I couldn’t help but notice how stunningly cute she was. The way she smiled at me and how her armor looked just a bit too tight near her rump- Beak poked my head, causing me to sway a bit. I looked at him, confused as he chuckled to himself. About to ask him what was so funny I realized that I had been staring at Sunshine with my mouth open, and obviously eyeing her butt.

        She gave me a funny look as I blushed and shrunk a bit. Now isn’t the time for getting laid, Sherry. I cleared my throat and pushed the thought to the back of my head the best I could. It was a bit easier, because, to be honest, it bothered me. I’m usually the one making mares and stallions blush and coming onto them. And being on the opposite end made me feel a bit uncomfortable.

        “Sherry?” Huh? What? I blinked and came to realize that a conversation was happening in front of me, and I was failing to pay attention. Moody and Sunshine giggled to each other as I felt my face growing hot again. “We were just askin’ you what you do for a livin’.” Sunshine told me.

        “Oh, I worked a bar.” I replied.

        “Worked? So what do you do now? Beak here told me that you was out on a delivery.” Moody responded looking confused. Then her face lit up. “Oh! So you’re a courier?” Wait. What?

        In my confusion, my mind became a jumbled mess of things. So I responded, “Wha- Uh- Hm… sure?”

        Moody smiled at me and Sunshine giggled at my response. “I’ve been lookin’ for a pony like you to deliver sumthin’ for me.” The bar mare ducked back behind the counter again, and this time came back up with a package and a letter. “My folks back in New Winnie haven’t heard wind of since I left ‘em five years ago.”

        “You haven’t been able to get a pony to deliver a package for you for five years?” I questioned her. A sadness drew itself across her face as she nodded.

        “I would just love to do it myself, but I just ain’t fit for the wild wasteland.” When she saw the concern on my face she added, “I’ll pay you real good. How does five hundred caps sound?” Whoa. I weighed the odds. Deliver a package to New Winnie and possibly die along the way, or make Moody wait another year for somepony else to do it. I bit my lower lip as I looked at the package and Moody, and then my eyes landed on Beak.

        “Beak, why don’t you do it?” I asked him a bit harshly.

        “I tried gettin’ him to do it multiple times, but he just won’t.” Moody told me with a shrug of her shoulders.

        Beak opened his eyes for he had been dozing off, and saw the three of us mares staring at him. He sighed and sat up in his chair, “I’d love to, I really would, but I’ve told you, accepting work that’s not beneficial to the Beaks is outside of my contract.” The Beaks, I remembered to be the mercenary group that Beak’s father was the founder of. They were actual mercenaries, and not raiders like the Scorpions who liked to call themselves mercs. “I’m not allowed to even do favors such as yours, Moody.” He caught her mad pout, and he sighed again. “I’m sorry.”

        From the way the two were talking to each other, I could tell that they had a history. I didn’t get to delve much into it, though as Moody turned back to me, after she stuck her tongue out at Beak. “So, you’d be willin’ to do it?”

        “Uh…” I stammered.

        At my hesitation, she quickly added, “I’ll pay ya half now, and half later, sound like a deal?”

        “Sure?” Boy, I sure am a dumbass. Before I knew it, my saddle bags were now containing a newly obtained, brown, wrapped package, a letter, and two hundred and fifty more caps. I knew I was probably going to die out in the wastes if I tried delivering a package to New Whinnie.

In case you’re wondering what New Winnie is, after it being mentioned multiple times. New Winnie is a great big town that’s filled with almost every possible threat that can come from a pony. It was originally just called Winnie before the war, and even before then, the town was filled with crime and hate. Winnie, had luckily survived any direct bombing. Residents that did stay in Winnie had died from radiation poisoning, and the city was left a ghost town. That is, until the stables opened up.

I don’t know much about the history after the stables opened. I’ve heard too many stories to know which one is true. All I know is that New Winnie was taken control of by very bad ponies. Sure, it was a safe place to live on the outskirts of the town. Almost everypony of the San Palomino Wasteland knows that the heart of the city is where you want to steer clear from.

“Sherry?”

“Huh? What?” Dammit, I need to stop zoning out in my thoughts. I blinked, and came to again for the what seemed like the hundredth time. Sunshine Skies was sitting next to me now at the counter while Moody and Beak seemed to be discussing the best way to cook a radroach with the right kind of alcohol. “Sorry, can you say that?” I asked her.

“Woof!” I looked between our seats and saw Sunshine’s dog staring up at me with his tongue hanging out and wagging his tail. I rubbed a hoof behind his ears which he seemed to enjoy.

“I asked ya if you know how to handle yourself out there in the wastes.” She said to me with a look that told me she doubted my survival skills.

Myself, being myself, wanted to impress this mare. Even if I did have no idea about the first thing in survival. “Of course I do!” I answered to her with a grin. All thoughts were pushed aside as my new goal was to impress Sunshine, and possibly sleep with her. “Handle myself out in the wastes is my middle name!” Wait, what. That came out wrong…

“Really?” She asked me with a doubtful look on her face.

“You bet!”

“Well then,” A look began to form in her eyes, and her doubtful expression turned into something of almost… Evilness. “How about we go out for some shootin’?”

Fuck.

---     ---     ---

Bang! Bang! Crack! Pop!

“I’m impressed,” Sunshine whispered into my ear, causing the fur on the back of my neck to stand up on end.

“Really?” I turned back to her with a grin and dreams of some sexy time.

Sunshine Skies nodded with a sultry smile and half lidded eyes. “I’m impressed… That you’ve managed to miss every bottle by a mile!” She gestured over to the fence twenty yards in front of us. Bullets from the rusty varmint rifle I was shooting were strewn about. Some dug into the sides of buildings, and others in the dirt. Quite frankly, it looked like some raiders came through and decided to shoot everything they saw. One old pony was dropped down, shaking on the ground huddled in a ball with his hooves over his head. Two feet away from him laid his hat with a brand new bullet hole in it. “You lied to me!”

The way Sunshine said that to me made me feel a bit guilty on the inside. “Well… I mean, I didn’t really lie to you, I just didn’t tell you the truth.” The look she gave me was worse than a spilled bottle of beer.

“You coulda gone out there an’ killed yerself!” She bursted out in my face.

I defended myself. “What am I supposed to do? She’s been waiting for a package to be delivered for years! I can’t just say no after she was so eager for me to do it!”

Sunshine fell back onto her rump and ran her hooves down her face, letting out a long sigh in the process. “Ugh, fine, you’ve made your point…” We sat together in silence, while we wracked our brains about what to do… Okay, fine. Sunshine thought of ideas while I sat and stared at her butt.

By Celestia, it was a gorgeous butt.

“I guess I’m just gonna have to teach ya basic survival skills.” My heart sank.

Teaching involves someone learning, and learning from teaching is like being back in school again. “Maybe you could just deliver?” I suggested sheepishly. From the look she gave me in return, I could tell it was a ‘no’.

“I woulda done it years ago if I could, Sherry, but Pleasantry needs me and my shootin’ skills if it ever comes under threat.” I guess that made sense. Almost all of the ponies I’ve seen here so far didn’t really seem to fall under a combat-ready category. “I’m assumin’ you already know about who to avoid when out there. Raiders, slavers, certain gangs, am I right?”

“Of course!” I replied happily.

“Well I’m tellin’ ya again, cuz you lied to me the last time I asked you sumthin’ like this.”

The bell rang.

Class had just begun.

---     ---     ---

It had taken the rest of the day, and was going to take well into the next for Sunshine to teach me everything I needed to know if I were to travel the wastes. I didn’t like to admit it, but there was alot that I didn’t know. For a mare living in the wastes you’d think I’d be a bit more experienced, or just more knowledged than I actually am. But I’ve been living behind Neighside’s walls my whole life, and have been blind to what’s actually out there. We had worked on my shooting for most of the day, and there were only small improvements. Nothing amazing, though. I still hadn’t managed to hit a single bottle.

The first night in Pleasantry I had stayed in a bunkhouse with Beak that was free of charge. The bunkhouse was actually just an old pre-war home that had been converted for the use of a bunkhouse. That night mostly consisted of me listening to the rumbly snores of the griffon, and the thoughts of Neighside came creeping back into my mind like a boomerang that came back no matter how far I threw it.

The same thought also kept coming back to me, “Why the fuck have I not told anypony yet?” Why did I keep avoiding it? I had to tell someone, I had to find the fucker that blew up my home, my friends, Spurs… I had to put a fucking bullet right through their brain! But who? Who would blow up my home?

Thoughts and theories swam through my mind as I tried to put it together. After a hours of staring at the ceiling and listening to Beak snore my mind finally settled on the offender.

Blade.

It only made sense. He and his gang came into Neighside just a day before, and then they had that midnight attack. They could have planted a bomb inside and left. But how the hell did they manage to get a bomb that can make an explosion of that size into Neighside without it being noticed? Ugh, I hate buts. I rolled over onto my side with a huff and watched the wall. Bringing my PipBuck up to my face I saw that it was just past midnight; and I also learned I should cool it on the radiation. The marker was just about a quarter to the first rectangle. I explored around on it a bit, checking inventory and health. Then I came to the recording. The one my parents had left me.

Smiling, I hit play, and slowly drifted off into sleep with sound of my parents’ voices.

~~~     ~~~     ~~~

“Ugh! This is dumb!” I complained, and threw the gun aside with my feeble magic. It had barely made itself two feet away from where I was standing. Spurs picked up the rifle with her mouth and leaned it against the sandbags we were standing behind. In front of the sandbags was a target with rings surroudning a smaller circle in the middle further out. All around the target were bullet holes that the rifle had made from all of my missed shots.

“Just try again.” Spurs urged me on with a nudge and a smile. The pre-teen in me made me roll my eyes and take on a sassier attitude so I wouldn’t have to keep doing target practice with her. “It’s important that you learn this, you know.” Of course it was, she told me this everyday. For the past two weeks Spurs and I spent five hours just trying to teach me how to shoot. I knew how to shoot a gun alright, but actually hitting a target was a whole other story.

With a huff I stomped my hooves on the ground. “Can we just pleeease stop?” I, of course, already knew what the answer would be, but it never hurt to try.

“No.”

“Why noooot?” I flopped my butt down on the ground and folded my forelegs with a grumpy pout.

“Cuz everypony has to learn, Sherry.” Spurs answered. That was the answer she always had, and it was starting to get old.

Luckily, this time I had a counter against that. “Well, not me!” I exclaimed, “I’m going to be a famous musician known all across the wasteland! And then I wouldn’t need to know how to shoot, because then I can hire bodyguards to do it for me!” I beamed enthusiastically, pumping my chest out, and looking up into the cloud layer that we called a sky. It was so perfect and simple in my mind, but a plan of mine is usually pooped on by Celestia and Luna themselves.

“And if ya don’t become a famous musician known all across the wasteland?”

I deflated and sat back down on my rump, and rubbed the back of my neck. “Well… uh…” Nothing. I fell onto my back on the dirt with another pouty look. That plan had been forming inside my brain for what seemed like forever! And to have it shatter so easily with a simple ‘what if’ was a real bummer.

“You’ve gotta be prepared for everythin’ Sherry.” I looked towards Spurs and saw that she had that comforting motherly smile of hers on. By now I mostly had a firm grasp on the fact that she really wasn’t my biological mother, but she still felt like a real mother to me. “Whaddya’ say I teach you a trick for helpin’ ya shoot better?” I reluctantly nodded and got back onto my hooves, resuming my position behind the barricade. Spurs hoofed me the rifle and I took it with my magic. “Now, what you gotta do is aim, inhale, and exhale, and when ya exhale is when ya shoot.”

The instructions were simple, but my mind was having trouble comprehending them. Inhale, shoot, exhale? No, that’s not it. Shoot, inhale, whiskey… no, that’s not it either. I had taken five shots, each getting even further away from the target. With a frustrated hiss I went to throw the gun on the ground again, but caught Spurs’ eye. Deciding that I’d give it one more try, I closed my eyes, and took aim. Even though I really didn’t want to, I did it for her. Inhale, keep it steady, aim for your target, exhale, and shoot.

Crack!

The bullet fired from the gun, it travelled across the shooting range and pierced the target from the third ring closest to the middle. Considering it was out of nine rings, it was a pretty good shot from me.

“Keep practicin’ and maybe one day you’ll be known for shootin’!” Spurs chimed happily behind me. Usually, I never found myself successful in anything, and when I finally was successful in something, well...

I cheered happily and gave Spurs a big hug. Then I quickly looked back and checked my rump, a little disappointed to see that I still didn’t have my cutie mark. Spurs took notice and ruffled my mane. “You’ll get it eventually, Sherry, everypony does.” I smiled and gave her another hug. “Love you, Sherry.”

        “I love you too, mom.”

---     ---     ---

        Dull light creeping through the window met my eyes as I slowly fluttered them open. I laid still for a few moments, just listening to everything around me. Usually, by now in Neighside I’d be hearing the sounds of vendors opening their stands, and ponies going about on their days. Today was different, everything seemed to be almost silent to me. I’d usually have to force myself out of bed and get ready to open up the bar. I didn’t know how many times I’d have to realize that my home is gone, over and over again. It felt like there was a weight in my stomach, and it left me with a queasy feeling.

        I rolled over to face the opposite direction, only to find myself muzzle to beak with Beak. “You were watching me sleep.” I stated flatly as I started to sit up in the creaky, old bed. He blushed and I noted his ruffled feathers, indicating he had probably woken up not long ago and didn’t take the time to make himself look neat. At least as neat as you can look these days.

        “I was kinda... sorta… hoping to ask you something.” He mumbled, refusing to make eye contact with me as he rubbed the back of his head with a claw.

        “Hmm?” I stretched, and let out a yawn as Beak stammered.

        “I mean, it’s been a while since I ever… did… stuff, and, well…” Beak slowly died off as he saw me staring blankly at him.

“He usually isn’t ever this nervous…” I thought to myself. I had dated Beak for a year, and over the course of that year I had really gotten to know him. He almost always had that ‘I’m too cool for you’ kind of vibe that he carried around with him, and he always had an answer for any question asked to him. I guess that’s what had attracted me to him in the first place. I know, I know. You may have been asking for quite a while now, “A pony, and a griffon? Together?! What?!?!” It’s really not as weird as you think it is… okay, it may actually just a little different, but that’s what really spices things up!

The gears in my brain slowly began to crank as I woke up more, and became a bit more perceptive of what was around me. The way Beak was standing there so nervously, fidgeting, rustling his wings, keeping his eyes on the floor. Ah, it made sense now. “No.”

Beak looked baffled. “What? You didn’t even hear me ask!” I rolled my eyes at him.

“You were going to ask me if I wanted to have sex with you, and the answer is no.” I responded as I started getting up out of the bed. I stretched my legs and cracked my back once I was on all four of my hooves.

“C’mon, Sherry. It’s been almost three months since I’ve had another griffon,” he begged to me as I just raised my brow at him. “Or mare.” He added. I opened my mouth to tell him the answer again, but the way he was looking at me, I could tell he was desperate. “I mean, I can usually hold it in, it doesn’t bother me that much, but with you here…” That had caused me to blush myself. A small part of me was telling me to say no again, while another told me that I should feel bad for Beak and let him have what he wants. Then there was a third part of me that I didn’t even feel until now that was telling me to get a good, hard rutting. With a quick check of my PipBuck I saw that we had about two hours until Sunshine was to start teaching me again. That left an an hour and half for sex, and thirty minutes for breakfast.

“Fine.” I answered.

“Really?” He looked surprised and a great bit relieved. “I thought for sure you were going to say- GAH!” Beak never got to finish his sentence as I tackled him onto the bed for the rutting of a lifetime.

---     ---     ---

Beak and I laid on the bed, panting in each other’s sweat and other bodily fluids. I rolled off the top of his chest and next to him on the bed. I had really made him work hard to pleasure me. I hadn’t really known it before, but I had really needed that sex. When I tried to think about Neighside no emotions really entered my mind. Sure a small twinge of guilt, but nothing that I couldn’t live with. I knew that eventually the emotions would hit again, but at the moment I could care less. I just had sex! If only I could get Sunshine in on it...

My stomach growled loudly, and I perked up, “Breakfast time!” I chimed cheerily. The bed creaked as I removed my body off from the top of it. I began to scour the floor, looking for my ponytail holder that had been tossed aside during our fun. “There you are!” An orange glow wrapped around the orange band that I used everyday and I floated it up to my face, giving it a shake or two to get the sand and dust off of it.

Beak recovered his breath while I went about, to clean myself up a bit. I noticed that there were a few stains in my fur, and I was probably able to be smelt from across the room. “They got showers around here?” I asked Beak as I wiped away some of the sticky substance off of my coat with a hoof, only to find it now located on my hoof.

He only chuckled as he lifted himself up from the bed and slicked back the feathers atop his head. “In a small town like this? Nah.” Beak shook his wings allowing a few newly loose feathers to come free and land on the floor. I guess we went a little rougher than I thought.

“Well then,” I said, as I made my way to the door with Beak at my tail, “hope I don’t smell too much like sex.” The door closed, like everything, with a whiny creak as we left the bunkhouse behind, and started up towards the saloon just up the road. We walked in silence, neither of us sure what to talk about.

“So… when you did that thing with your hooves-”

“Yeah, let’s not.”

“I was just thinking the same thing.”

We opened the doors to the saloon to see Moody standing behind the bar counter and Sunshine munching away on some sort of meat. Sunshine’s dog sat at her hooves by the bar stool, looking up and wagging it’s tail. She noticed this and dropped a chunk of meat into it’s mouth. The dog gulped it down and let out a happy bark! Moody noticed us enter and waved us over with a smile. Beak and I joined them at the counter. My stomach growled something awful as a sign that I hadn’t eaten in a while. Just as I was about to ask what Moody had to eat, two plates of meat and an assortment of other foods slid towards Beak and I.

“How much?” I asked as I began to dig caps out of my bags.

Moody laughed with a wiggle of her hoof, “Free of course, I can’t ask ya to pay for your food when you’re doin’ such a huge favor for me.”

“But... you paid me.” I answered back with confusion.

“Just think of it as a gift,” She smiled at me, “ya can’t take back a gift.”

Now I really knew that I was screwed. If I wanted to deliver this package alive, I’d really need to pay attention to what Sunshine had to teach me. “Better eat up.” The said mare told me. “We gotta lotta work for today.” Beak was devouring his own plate, and was already almost completely finished.

The orange glow of my magic surrounded a piece of meat and I lifted it to my mouth to take a bite. I never really was a huge fan of meat, but I ate it nonetheless because it was something to eat, and you can’t hope to live on two hundred year old boxes and cans of food forever. The meat tasted salty, I had no idea what I was eating, and I didn’t want to know either.

Halfway through with my breakfast I noticed that Sunshine was looking at me funny. “What?” Was what I meant to say, but my mouth was crammed full of food, and it ended coming out as “Whauf?”

“What’s that smell?” She asked me as she scrunched up her nose.

“Uh…” I blanked with my mouth open still full of food. Luckily I got to dodge that question as the doors to the saloon slammed open and the pony that I recognized from before whose head I had almost taken off rushed in.

“N-Neigh-” He wheezed and began to cough. We all exchanged glances to each other as we waited for the pony to regain his breath. “N-Neighside!” He finally managed to sputter.

Oh, not so lucky anymore…

Moody, Beak, and Sunshine all shared a confused look on their faces while I kept mine straight and faced to the ground. “What about Neighside?” Sunshine asked with concerned tone.

“It’s… It’s just gone!” The older buck exclaimed. “We left early this morning so we could make it to trade just when the crowd was startin’ to come in, and all we saw was a huge cloud o’ dust!” I could feel Beak’s eyes on me, what I didn’t know, though, is if he told Sunshine and Moody where I had come from.

“Yer positive?” Sunshine asked again for reassurance. She received a rapid nod in return and she muttered, “dammit…” Moody seemed to be taking the news slowly as she could only form the beginning of a sentence before stopping and beginning a new one.

Then Beak spoke up. “Dammit, Sherry! You should have said something!” He yelled angrily at me. He must’ve been able to tell that I knew what had happened, and had been hiding it from him. His anger subsided a bit, though, as I lifted my head with eyes filled to the brim with tears.

“I-I-” I looked around at everybody who each had a different expression on their face. None of anger, but more of confusion and sadness. I couldn’t do find myself to do anything but let my lip tremble and bury my face in my hooves as I began to bawl like a foal. You know how foals like to cry really loud? Well, this was probably a close competition to that. Every emotion that I had stored away was now being released out of it’s storage container and being hurled at me like a million bricks.

I felt a consoling hoof drape around my back and a pair that hugged my head and softly whispered ‘shhh’. This went on for a few minutes as the guys awkwardly stood by and the girls did the comforting. My sobs finally began to die down leaving only a minor case of hiccups for me at the end. It may have been a little embarrassing to break down in public like that, but it really felt good to let everything out. I now felt a huge relief, or stress, some feeling of some sort off of me that I didn’t even know I had until I had let it all out.

When I finally raised my head off the counter and my hooves I could tell that my eyes were probably puffy and red. I sniffed snottily and ran a hoof across my nose. Everyone was silent for a full minute, nopony quite sure on what to say. Understandable, everypony was probably thinking about what was going to happen now. Neighside had been an asset to this part of the San Palomino. A whole new trading town or station would need to be set up in order for any of the less travelled through small towns to survive, and who knows how long that would take?

Finally, with a sigh, and one last sniff. I opened my mouth with my voice (which was now just a little scratchy.) “I guess I’ve got some explaining to do.”

It’d taken a good part of an hour for me to tell of what had happened since that evening when my bar had a gunfight. I tried to add in as many details possible, but found myself choking up again whenever I mentioned Spurs or anyone else that had been in Neighside. It felt good to finally tell somepony about what had happened. Sunshine had eventually left to get a better look at the town and to try and find out what exactly had happened. The old pony who was the bearer of bad news had left as well to try and figure out what they’d be doing for trades now. Which left Beak, Moody, and myself.

“I really wish you would have told me sooner, Sherr.” Beak said to me with a softer tone of voice.

“I know, I’m sorry.” I replied dejectedly. “It was just too hard for me to bring up…” Beak gave an understanding nod and turned his head towards the window. I could tell that this was also probably hitting him hard. He had a lot of friends in Neighside that he liked to spend time with and probably had fond memories of. While I… well, I couldn’t say I really had any friends. There was Spurs, but I had grown apart from her. Sunny and I would occasionally get a room and have some fun in there, but it never got past that. It’s like I knew everyone, but at the same time, I didn’t.

Looking to Moody I saw that the yellowed mare was nearly on the verge of tears. When she caught my eye she quickly rubbed her eyes and took a shaky breath. “That’s horrible, what happened.” She took another more steady breath, stuttering halfway through it, and continued on. “The wasteland is always takin’ sumthin’ we love away from us, sometimes I feel like it’s better just not to care.” I nodded as her words hit me but didn’t really sink in, “but when you stop caring is when you’re no better than a raider.”

Moody’s words were slowly pushed into me with her last. They may have only been stuck halfway into me, but I had an understanding of what I really felt. Melancholy and sorrowful are two big words that I probably wouldn’t use to describe it due to my limited vocabulary, but something along those lines. “C’mon.” Beak said to me as he got out of his seat and headed for the door. I gave Moody a fleeting look as I headed for the door. She smiled at me, but her eyes held a sadness that made me want to break down in tears again and cry with her.

The only thing that had stopped me from doing that were the words that a steel pony had said to me before things got bad. “There are days for moping, but I can save those days for later.” Those words echoed throughout my mind. They didn’t really sound important, hell, they were probably some of the stupidest words I’d ever heard. But I couldn’t help but take them to heart. Sprocket had lost his family, and he was able to put it past himself for something that needed his attention. Which brought another thing to my own thoughts. Did Steel Sprocket know about the bomb?

It could have been something related to it, but it’s not everyday that you get a group of Steel Rangers, let alone just one in Neighside. My mind tried to work on how the Steel Rangers could be tied into the mess of things that were now my problems. The only thing I could think of was that they had planted the bomb, or whatever it was that blew up Neighside, but I didn’t believe any bit of it, even if I told myself they did.

There were so many flaws in my thoughts, maybe they didn’t even sneak a bomb in, but instead they launched one at the town, but I hadn’t even seen anything getting launched, and I had the best seat for the show of the would-be fireworks. This is the point where thinking began to hurt my brain so I tossed my thoughts aside and caught up to Beak who was heading down a road leading out of the town. “Where are we going?” I asked beside him.

The black griffon watched the sky as we began to progress further and further away from the town. “Sunshine was going to bring you to shoot geckos that have been ruining one of the pure water supplies.” He answered me.

“Geckos?” I asked, “I’ve never seen one before, what do they look like?”

“Imagine one of those tiny geckos from that pre-war animal book you have.” He said, when he saw the confusion on my face on why you’d need to shoot them instead of smoosh them he added, “and then imagine them to be about half your size, standing on two legs, and extremely fast and deadly.”

What. “Why would Sunshine take me out to try and kill something that could kill me!” I exclaimed, flabbergasted that Sunshine would take me to do something so dangerous.

Beak chuckled at my panicked expression, “anything can kill you in the wasteland, Sherry, and don’t worry about them.” He licked his lips, “they’re actually a pretty tasty meal.” Ew.

“I thought I told you to keep your meat eating to yourself.” I mumbled to him as I began to feel nauseous, my stomach unsettling at the thought.

Beak opened his beak to reply, but was interrupted by a shrill scream that made both of our ears ring. The first thing I noticed was a white bar pop up on my E.F.S that was soon followed by three more red bars. In the distance I saw a white mare with a bright azure mane emerge from behind a hill, screaming and running for her life as three (what I assumed to be) geckos followed closely, biting at her tail. “HEEEELP MEEEEEE!” She cried running straight towards us.

One of the geckos leapt up into the air and was about to land on the mare’s back, but it was stopped short by a bullet that exploded it’s head into meaty bits. Beak flapped his wing and sped up into the air and began firing shots from his pistol at the remaining geckos. I really should improve my aim. The white mare with the azure mane who was being chased by the geckos stopped in front of me and sank down to the dusty wasteland ground to catch her breath now that the geckos were distracted with Beak. I had a better look at her and I saw that she was a unicorn like me, except her horn was a lot shinier and looked more well kept than my own.

She also some sort of clothing, it was blue and lined with yellow around the collar and down the middle. I knew the clothing looked familiar but I couldn’t quite place my hoof on the reason why. The mare finally caught her breath enough to stand up straight and look at me. That’s when I noticed two numbers stitched into her collar, a seven with the same number right beside it. ‘77’. The gears in my brain began to whirl and tumble as I put it all together. This mare was wearing Stable-Tec barding! She was also probably straight out of one considering how clean she was able to keep herself.

 I stood staring at her like an idiot as she obviously began to grow uncomfortable. Beak swooped over with the last two geckos dead. He covertly slipped some of the gecko meat into his bag.”Uh-” The mare began to say but I blurted out.

“You’re from a stable!” I exclaimed as I leaned forward so that we were now touching noses, “That’s. So. Cool!” I jumped up and down happily. She leaned back and lifted her hoof up a bit and that’s when I noticed her PipBuck. “And you have a PipBuck! Doubly awesome!”

Beak deadpanned. “Sherry, you have a PipBuck too.”

I stopped my jumping and turned my head down to see the piece of technology around my hoof. “Oh yeah.” I flushed with embarrassment with a small grin. “Heh.” The mare blinked at me with eyes that were a blue as bright as her mane. Her mane was also the bushiest mane I had ever seen before. It was a look that fit her well, and instantly took me to fantasizing about having her in my bed. Ugh, why can’t my thoughts ever just be about hugging or something...

The mare suddenly jumped with a panicked expression and she cried desperately, “I need your help!” I felt a floating sensation all around me as I was picked up off of my hooves in the mare’s blue colored magic. I noticed that she had an accent as well, not the usual drawl of a San Palomino pony, but something more high and sophisticated sounding. Then I felt myself moving as the mare floated me along with her in a mad rush from the direction she had come.

“Gah! Hey, wait!” I flailed my hooves beneath me as we began to move. Beak was the lucky one out of the two of us as he elected to glide beside us instead of being carried around by unicorn magic.

]“What is it that you need help with?” Beak asked with a confused look to the panicked mare. She seemed a little uneasy of looking Beak in the eyes and she kept her distance a bit as she was trotting as fast her hooves could carry her.

“Uh, can I get down no-” I started to say but was interrupted by the white mare.

“What are you?” She asked to Beak which caused him to raise his brow.

“You’ve never heard of a griffon before?” He asked with an offended look.

The mare now looked more nervous as she forced a smile but still refused eye contact. “W-Well, yes, I have.” She stammered, hesitant to say anything else. “But, uhh… don’t you eat ponies?” We moved along in silence for a few moments where I decided to cross my hooves and look grumpy while trying to enjoy the ride to wherever we were headed. Then Beak burst out laughing uncontrollably.

“Hahahahaha! Oh sweet Celestia it hurts!” Beak fell to the ground in a fit of giggles where he held his stomach and tried to look for breath. The mare flushed a bright red on her face, but began to practically dance on her hooves. She bit her lip and turned her head towards a clump of huge rocks and back at Beak in a hurried gesture. It looked like she wanted to say something but didn’t want to interrupt Beak having a moment. Said griffon wiped tears from his eyes as he gasped for breath, “n-never heard th-that HA one before!” With that he fell to the ground again in a fit of laughter.

“Ugh!” The mare shrieked and ran off towards the clump of rocks while still carrying me with her magic.

“Can I get down no- oof!” I landed on my stomach and nearly had the wind knocked out of me. The mare beside me was panting and nearly out of breath, and I guess I couldn’t blame her. To carry a mare around with magic is tiresome. I can barely carry around half my weight with my own. I looked back to Beak who was still busy laughing his feathers off then to the cluster of rocks she had brought us two. There were many of them that towered over us by about fifteen feet and created half of a ridge. “So, you wanted us to help you move these rocks? Cuz I don’t think they’re gonna move.”

She gave me a flat look and pointed to the side of the cluster. At first glance I didn’t see anything, but then I noticed a small, concealed cave. Upon further investigation I realized that it looked like the entrance to a mineshaft of some sort. When I turned back to the mare I saw that she was gone. “Huh?” I asked myself out loud. The sound of hurrying hoofsteps could be heard behind me and I turned back to the cave to see the stable pony hurry into it and out of sight. “Whoa! Wait up!” I called to her and scurried in behind.

The first thing I noticed upon entering the cave was how dark it happened to be. I could see a faint, red light at the end of the tunnel so I quickly started to make my way towards it.

Screeeee!

An unpony-like scream echoed down the tunnel walls and caused every ounce of hair on my body to stand up on end. I gulped and looked at my E.F.S and only saw the single white bar which was probably the mare ahead of me. No red was the only thing that kept me going. Ducking down low, keeping my head and body close to the ground to avoid detection if there was anything up ahead I began to slowly inch forward. The light at the end of the cave was getting nearer to me. The light was a dim one, not enough to light up anything but I few feet around it. So my panic slowly started to die down as I got even closer. The white bar was in front of me, but that stable pony was nowhere to be seen.

Still keeping my head low, I moved forward ever more closer and- ack! I felt the familiar sensation of my muzzle being pressed between two flanks as my nostrils were instantly filled with a sweet scent. “Eep!” The pony in front of me jumped away and into the dim red light, revealing it to be the stable mare. I didn’t know if she was blushing due to the fact that she was lit up red, but my cheeks were flaring into a deep maroon color. She must’ve been able to see me because she gave me a hard glare.

“S-Sorry,” I stammered, “didn’t see you…” She only kept her glare on me and remained silent which made me fear for my life, but she only sighed and turned towards a machiney looking thing that I hadn’t noticed before.

“Don’t know what made them think it was a good idea to close the damn door…” She muttered, talking to herself more than me. I saw as the mare pressed a few buttons and floodlights filled the entire tunnel. Illuminating everything inside. The thing that caught my eye, though. Was the friggin huge hunk of metal that was in the shape of a cog, and bore the number seventy-seven in the middle of it. A loud beeping filled the tunnel and the red light began to spin and flash as the door began to pull back. I gaped up in awe as the door slid to the side, and revealed a room of metal within.

“Calculus.”

I turned my head and gaping mouth to the white mare, “wha?”

“Calculus, it’s my name if you were wondering.” She stated and moved quickly inside, gesturing me to follow her. In all the confusion and panic I had completely forgotten that she may have had a name. I followed in behind her, and my nose was instantly hit with a strange scent I had never smelled before. Fresh. I thought. Clean.

I knew what we were in. This was a stable! One of the fine pieces of technology that had been created before the war! My eyes were drawn to every flashing light, anything that bore my reflection, or showed the tiniest bit of glint. I followed the mare down a confusing amount of hallways, there were a few points where she would have to start dragging me by my tail because I wanted to stop and look at something. “Okay!” She said frantically. “You seem to get distracted easily, so tell me your name.”

I turned my eyes away from a window which held a room full of green plant life that I hadn’t ever seen before. “Huh? Oh! It’s Sherry!” I replied and started trotting up beside her, ready to have a good conversation. Calculus used the all too familiar gesture of a facehoof.

“Right, well, Sherry. I need your help, and it’s of dire emergency.” She told me with her accent which I thought was becoming increasingly cute.

“Sure, what’s that?” I asked with a smile, “I’m great at doing everything-”

“I need you to help me find a medical cure for the deadly disease that have transformed ponies into dangerous creatures that have taken over my stable.”

Great at everything but that.

Footnote: Level Up.

New Perk: The Sheriff’s Daughter -- +5 Small Guns, +5 Repair

________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Author’s Note: Finally got this chapter out! It ended up being shorter than I intended, and it’s actually going to take a little longer than I had anticipated for me to get where I had wanted to be at the end of this chapter. Thankfully I had extra time to myself in school due to finishing tests early so I was able to complete this in that period!

Give a huge thanks to EgoFawful for editing this chapter and making it not complete crap! I haven’t been able to contact MeetSouder so I’m beginning to think that I may need another editor to work with.

Anyway, huge thanks to everyone who reads this fic and helps me towards my goal of becoming a popular FoE fic! I even found Infamy in the pile of new, updated Fallout: Equestria side fics which is amazing to me. Of course, none of this could have been done if Kkat hadn’t started the Fallout: Equestria community and the huge number of side fics!

EgoFawful: I think that whiskey is secretly talking to me, and the only way I can hear it is to ingest it into my tummy. At least that’s what I told the police after they found me driving, anyways.