"So, I'll see you tomorrow, right?" Scootaloo asked as she stepped out of the door to the CMC's clubhouse.
"Sure, Scootaloo. I ain't got nothing planned for tomorrow," Apple Bloom responded.
"Neither do I," Sweetie Belle reinforced.
"Excellent. I'll be here tomorrow, guys," Scootaloo promised as she slowly slid the door closed. "Good night."
"Night, Scootaloo," the two said in unison, turning back to what they were doing.
Scootaloo sighed as she stepped out into the cool night, shivering lightly as a breeze wafted past her, spreading individual hairs all about. The sky watched her with a penitent glare, slightly closed by the darkening cloud cover above. Behind the clouds was a dark blue sky, endless to the young Scootaloo. She promptly wished she could depart into the air and not return.
At least in the sky, she was free from the troubles of the ground world.
The blades of grass, chilled and relaxing, brushed coolly against her hoof as she walked through the fields to the place she called home. It was a place nopony knew about, because she didn't want to worry anypony. Walking the opposite direction of town, she headed towards the Everfree Forest.
Nocturnal creatures skittered about as Scootaloo skulked through their territory. They talked amongst themselves, completely oblivious to the young filly that stalked their night world. As she continued forward, a large gust of wind blew through the field, freezing Scootaloo to the bone.
Shivering, her teeth chittering, she winced and moved forward with her body tucked up as tightly as possible. The wind shifted, blowing this time from in front of Scootaloo. Unfortunately, it only worsened to a full assault from her front, attacking her face with a freezing chill.
Tears began to form in her eyes from the pain as she pushed ever valiantly forward. Her wings stuck themselves to her side, trying their best to provide for her some warmth. Her mane was icy cold to the touch, but at least it was stopping the wind from directly hitting her head.
Sniffling, she took a few final steps, stopping before the Everfree Forest. Sounds of the wildlife came from within, but it wasn't welcoming to the young filly. Luckily, she only needed to be by it so as not to lose her way. Turning left, she walked along the edge of the forest, using the trees as cover from the wind.
The trees rustled heavily, complimenting the night breeze with a music that one could only hear in nature. It calmed Scootaloo's nerves, brought a warmth of peace to her body, which directly overwrote the cold from the chilly night air. But it wasn't enough... She wanted somepony there with her, somepony to put a wing around her, to warm her. Just the thought of having somepony there that cared was enough to warm her frigid body.
A single tear slid from her right eye as she exited the view of Ponyville. Not far away, a shack sat, not unlike that of Fluttershy's hut. It wasn't elegant... but it was protection. It was her home.
The door creaked as she opened the door and stepped inside. As soon as the door came to a close behind her, the sounds of the night faded instantly, leaving Scootaloo in a dreaded silence. Even though she knew it was futile, she opened her mouth and yelled, "Anypony home?" Of course, like she expected, there was no response. "Obviously not..."
Scootaloo yawned as she walked through the bare living room, past the kitchen, and to her room. Inside was a small bed on the far wall, with pictures of her and Rainbow Dash plastered over every other surface. A small smile came to her face as she thought about Rainbow, the one pony who she loved as family and loved her back.
The smile instantly faded as she remembered that it was fake. Even though Rainbow had taken her under her wing, Scootaloo knew it was out of pity. She could see it in Rainbow's eyes... sadness. She knew nothing of Scootaloo's situation, besides what had been told to her. She would never know...
Placing a hoof to her favorite picture, one of Scootaloo sitting on Rainbow's back, both smiling wildly, she gulped and closed her eyes. For at least a minute, she stood there, her hoof on the picture, her eyes closed tight. She was envisioning that moment, trying to make it eternal. But when she opened her eyes, she was back in her room, the very last place she wanted to be.
She exhaled a saddened breath as she turned to her bed and began to lazily shift towards it. She was tired... and she hated that. She hated sleeping... dreaming. She she slept, all she had was nightmares. The same one to be exact. Always, when she woke the next morning, it would be gone, but she still knew each night it awaited her.
Reluctantly, she crawled into the cold, empty bed and stared at the ceiling. The ceiling light hung overhead, off, just like it had been all day. She didn't have a real reason to turn it on anymore... she remembered where all the pictures where and the moonlight from the windows lit the room up enough to see. That was all she needed.
She began to feel a sense of dread as her eyelids gained weight. Sleep beckoned to her, luring her with peace and happiness. But that was just a disguise... what say behind the clever rouge was her own mind, forcing her to relive a truth she knew well, but didn't accept, each and every night.
Darkness coated her world, her entire body, as she felt herself slipping away. As she did every night, when she reached that point between sleep and consciousnesses, she found herself wanting only for death. From within her mind, she became barely aware at a smile crossing her face at that thought.
Death... something she had thought about for a good month. It was the end of it all... to pain, happiness, suffering, everything. The only thing that stopped her from ending her life was her friends. Each time she attempted it, they were the first things to her mind. It made the action impossible... to think of causing them to never see her again pained her heart. But she couldn't deal with her own pain anymore... it was slowly killing her.
As sleep claimed her, the last thing on her mind was her friends... except she wasn't there. They would move on without her; they would forget her. Sure, they would be sad for a month or so, but afterwards, they, as well as Scootaloo, would be happy again. Before her conscious left her, she thought to the cliff not for from where she lived... and how easy it would be to just fall off.
It only took a simple step.
Tomorrow, she would have to take a little walk... she'd have to miss out on meeting her friends. But they wanted her to be happy, didn't they? Sure... they did. But first, she had to deal with the nightmare one last time. It would be the final time; she could tough through it one more time...
She just needed one more night.
Scootaloo slowly opened her eyes, yawning. Quickly, she shot up as she realized she wasn't in her bed. Rather, she was in the center of Ponyville. Strangely, it was the middle of the night. Had she walked there in her sleep? No, that's impossible; she never walked in her sleep.
Confused, she looked down both streets and towards each house. Everything was the same... yet it seemed so empty. Where there was a feeling of life, only a feeling of emptiness remained. It made her sad; she felt alone.
Everything seemed surrealistic as she stood and walked to each of the houses. While everything was exactly the same, there seemed to be something off everywhere she looked. When she looked at sugarcube corner, she became aware that the color of the building was a slightly different tint than usual. Gazing at Twilight's library, she couldn't help bu feel it had grown an inch taller. Small things, but they were painfully obvious to the young Scootaloo.
She tried to speak, to call out for someone to answer, but found that she couldn't speak. Her mouth opened and her vocal cords worked, but no sound escaped. There was a barrier between her mouth and the world, one of which no words may escape, no plead for help may be made.
Dread entered into her body as she walked through the empty town, trying her hardest to call for help. The world seemed a cold place, a dark abyss of which she didn't belong. She didn't know why she was feeling that way, but she also couldn't tell herself to feel any other way.
She blinked as she looked ahead of her. Not too far away, at the edge of town, a pony stood, a beacon in the darkness. Failing at yelling for their attention, She instead started a mad dash towards the pony, intent on getting their attention.
For what seemed like at least an hour, she ran towards the pony. Alarmingly, she realized that even though she was moving, the pony wasn't getting any closer. Buildings zoomed by her, but she became painfully aware that she was passing the same buildings over and over again. Confused, she turned around.
She was still in the same exact place. Even though she was exhausted, tired from running, she hadn't even made it a single damn step. She couldn’t understand why she wasn’t moving, why even though she tried to all her might to run, it didn’t work.
She breathed heavily as she stared at the pony so close, yet so far. It taunted her, forcing her to recognize it was there, but she was incapable of reaching it. Not when she stood on the tread wheel she was stuck on. It was right there, clear as day… yet she knew she couldn’t reach them.
Once again, she tried to yell out, to have somepony, anypony answer her. It didn’t work… still she was mute. No, she was speaking… but nopony, not even herself heeded her. She was unable to speak, to state her fears and troubles. It pained her, made her realize that she couldn’t move forward until she asked for help, but she couldn’t ask for help because nopony could hear her.
So she silently pleaded, wanting only to move away from the place she stood. But it wasn’t going to happen… forward, to the safety of somepony that could help, was impossible. So she turned around down the other street.
It was darker than it was ahead, barely even illuminated by the light of the moon. It was the opposite way of the pony ahead, of the hope that lied just a bit forward, but it was her only option. Knowing no other way, she started walking.
All around, the buildings were dark, yet somehow they seemed safe. But she knew it was an illusion… she was going backwards. She knew the path well; she had walked it many times. She was familiar with that side of Ponyville, and the darkness strangely illuminated everything. As she walked, she realized that in the darkness, hints of light shone brightly out, but they could only lighten so much of the path.
The only true way out of her situation was to go forward… but at that moment, she had to take solace in going backwards, accepting the light of situations behind her. As she walked down the street, she could feel it changing. Slowly, it turned from Ponyville to somewhere else, a place she didn’t recognize.
When she turned around, the pony was no longer there… nor was anything.
Accepting the fact that she was now stuck in the opposite direction, in another place that seemed strangely familiar, yet so foreign. As she doubled back around, she realized that everything was bright. The sun had risen… but she could sense it was all an illusion.
Everything was fake. The town layout was the same… but multiple things were wrong with it. Immediately obvious things, such as wrong colors or entire missing buildings. It looked happier, sure, but it was just a terrible ruse for the real world.
Still, it was better than the dark world she had just escaped from. At least for a while, she thought.
The illusion only lasted for a few moments. Soon, it began to fall apart, to change back to the dark town. Sadness crossed over her as the bright colors faded, as the world went gray and dark. Even worse, she found herself in the same spot as earlier.
In front of her was the white pony; once again she couldn’t yell or move forward. Not sure what to do, she turned back around… but she couldn’t bring herself to go back to the false world. Even though it brought her a tiny bit of solstice, she knew all too well of its fakeness and that was worse than living in the current world.
Her mind began to hurt as her subconscious forced thoughts forward, buried memories that were better left alone. She put them there for a reason… but then she remembered what this all was.
It was her never-ending nightmare, the same one she’d suffered for two years, since that day she awoke in Ponyville, alone and scared. She found herself in the shack, but a small filly ignorant to the ways of the world.
Always, she had what she needed to survive in the shack on her own. Even though she didn’t have a job, or any other means of making money, there would always be food in her house and a roof to cover her. She was sure she knew where the money had come from, but they never showed themselves.
Her parents.
As they crossed her mind, they materialized not far from her. A stallion and mare, their features silhouetted by a dark cover. Not because of the shadows, but because she didn’t even know who they were. Once, she had known them as her parents, her best friends, but even since she found herself alone… They weren’t even there.
“D-dad? Mom?” she spoke, her voice no longer stopped. Even though her words rang true, she could tell that they fell on her own ears. It was a much worse fate than before… she could hear her own pleas, but everypony else ignored her.
Scootaloo knew better than to try and near them. From her slowly recovering memory of the nightmare, she knew they would only fade as she tried to touch them, to show them her pain. If they were only there… she would be safe, be sure in life. But they weren’t… and she was still by herself.
Finally, it all came back to her… the dream, what it represented. It was why her real world was so unbearable, something she could fix if she could just remember it when she woke… this was all a nightmarish metaphor for her life.
The pony was her future, but she couldn’t move forward. Her parents were there, but she didn’t know them. The path backwards was her using her past as a means of escape, but in the end, she always ended up back at the beginning. And her silence… it was because nopony listened.
Around her friends, she just put on a happy face, pretended everything was alright. It worked for them… because they didn’t have to know what she went through. She couldn’t put them through that, ever. And even if she did tell them… it was up to her to find her own way to break past the barrier and reach her future, the pony.
And the town… it was empty. Life was around, she was painfully aware of that… but she was completely alone. Nopony paid her any mind, for they knew not what pain she held inside. So she just stood in the middle of it all, unsure as to what to do. All options were there, but she couldn’t take them.
Then the thoughts came… death. The ultimate escape. It was the only real choice she held. She still had control over when she could die, when she could end everything. Nopony could ever take that from her, no matter what they did. As the thoughts came forward, she realized that the scenery around her was changing.
The town changed to a forest, and the path in front of her turned to a large abyss, the end not even visible. It was the cliff… the one not far behind her house. How easy it would be to just take a single step… and have it all end. One last fuck you to the world as she took the one option she held so dearly to.
This was where her dream ended… She was never strong enough to take the step, so she just stood there, staring at the eyes of death directly below her. It welcome her, offered her eternal peace, but she just couldn’t bring herself to jump.
She didn’t want the world to win, to know it knocked her down. But more importantly, she wanted to reach that pony, to see her future.
She simply stood in front of the gaping hole, wanting so badly to just hop lightly and let the curtain close. The implications taunted her, but she was still too weak. But she remembered what she had thought before falling asleep… this was the final night of this nightmare. The next day, she was going to visit the cliff, to take the option she did have.
And with that, she took a step closer to the edge. Allowing one hoof to wave freely over the abyss, ready to let her weight take her, she stopped. Somewhere behind her, a warm emanated, but it felt unnatural, like it wasn’t supposed to be there.
“Young one…” a voice echoed, almost unworldly. Scootaloo, puzzled with what was behind her, reaffirmed her footing on the side of the canyon and turned around. Behind her, Luna stood.
“P-princess Luna?” Scootaloo said, shocked to see the Princess in her presence.
“Scootaloo, was it?”
“Y-yes ma’am,” Scootaloo whispered, unsure as to why the Princess was invading her dream, ruining the repetitiveness of her nightmare.
“I… I’ve been watching for a long time, this dream I mean. Do… do you really want this?” Luna asked, squatting next to the young filly. To Scootaloo, the Princess was so big, so unreal… but she was there.
“I… don’t know…”
“I’ve seen how you’ve struggled to move forward… how you’ve constantly take comfort in going backwards. I’ve seen the dark silhouettes that represent your parents, Scootaloo… I’ve seen this dream so many times, but I’ve never been able to intrude. But tonight… you seem to have given up,” Luna explained, a sorrowful expression on her face.
“I…” Scootaloo started, trying to think of what to say. This had to be part of the dream… nopony cared about her, especially not the Princess. She was but a lowly filly, not important at all to the world. “I have.”
“I see… But realize, my little pony, that you are indeed talking right now… and I’m hearing,” Luna pointed out.
“You’re not real,” Scootaloo snapped. Not angrily, rather from disbelief. Why should the Princess- no, how dare she intrude on that night. That was finally the night she came to terms with what she had to do… and now somepony had the audacity to listen.
“Young one…” Luna said as she stood, “I’m as real as it gets. And I’m here, finally…”
“To do what? To talk me out of it? I’m not listening… this… this is the only option I have left, Luna,” Scootaloo murmured, her voice cracking.
“And why is that?”
“Because…” Scootaloo started as she let her head fall, “I can’t deal with it anymore. Everything… it…” Luna simply stared as tears, glistening in the moonlight, fell from Scootaloo’s eyes and splashed on the ground. Before Luna could even attempt to comfort her, Scootaloo had laid on the ground and began to cry.
“There, there, little one…” she comforted, laying next to Scootaloo with her front hooves wrapped around her in a hug and her wing wrapped around her body for comfort. As Scootaloo continued to cry, Luna looked down with a fake smile, one meant to comfort the young filly.
“It hurts, Luna… Y-you don’t know what it’s like… What it feels like to wake each day, knowing that you can never make progress. I… I try so h-hard to move towards a bright future, but…” Scootaloo stopped, wiping her eyes and sniffling.
“Let it all out, Scootaloo… it’s okay.”
“I’m stuck here, unable to move forward in life and stuck in what little happiness my past gave me. I put on a fake smile and try to live my life, but nopony knows… I’m so scared, Luna… scared and in pain.”
“I understand…” Luna comforted, allowing Scootaloo her wing to rub her eyes on.
“When I wake up in the mornings, I want to go back to sleep… to just never wake up. It hurts to get up and it hurts to live. I just want the pain and fear to stop… I can’t do it anymore, Luna!” she cried, burying her face into Luna’s hoof. “I just can’t…”
“And I can’t stop you… but I can at least bring you some comfort. Nopony can tell you your destiny except for you, young one… But neither must we ever try life alone without help,” Luna explained, her voice soft and caring.
“Then, what do I do? I can’t go on living… but I can’t bring myself to jump. Death is right there, inches away… peace… but I can’t reach it. But living… it’s even worse. If I have to wake up and realize that I’m in a tar of life anymore…”
“I know, my little pony…” Luna whispered as she tightened her embrace on the young filly, eye falling from her own eyes. Rubbing her hoof on Scootaloo’s back, a small gesture of comfort, the two sat in silence. “I know…”
“Tomorrow, when I wake up… I don’t think I’ll have the strength to continue on. I’m at a point where my legs have given out and I just can’t go on anymore… And the only relief is to fall backwards, to free fall to my death,” Scootaloo whimpered, scared of both options.
“Then…” Luna said as she slowly stood, leaving Scootaloo on the ground. She couldn’t bring herself to look the filly in the eyes as she stood, instead looking up into the sky. With tears in her eyes, and her voice cracking, she sadly said, “Do it… if it’s what you feel you must do. When you wake up, you’ll not remember any of this… And like I said, only you can decided what you must do. But remember, little Scootaloo… Life is worth living.”
“Luna…?”
“Yes, Scootaloo?”
“Does it ever get better?” Luna simply looked down, a frown on her face and remnants of tears in her eyes.
“Only if you make it, Scootaloo…” Slowly, she faded away, small clouds of her disappearing. As she faded, her words echoed in the sky, hitting her hard. “Only if you make it…”
When Luna was gone, Scootaloo stood and cleared the last tears from her eyes. Step after step, she neared the edge and looked over. At the bottom, she saw peace, not death. Happiness, not death. A better life… not death.
A single tear dripped down the abyss, falling forever as she realized that the next day would be her last. Luna had tried… but even she couldn’t stop Scootaloo from doing what she needed. As she stared into the abyss, the abyss stared back…
And she found herself waking up.
Scootaloo slowly opened her eyes and immediately jumped forward in her bed as she woke. Quickly, although to no effect, she tried to cling onto the dream before. But like every single other night, it had all escaped her and she could only remember that it was a nightmare.
Her body ached as she stood from her bed. The sun that came in through the window pained her eyes and her brain. She wanted everything to be dark… to be black and nonexistent. That was the day… this she knew. And she wasn’t scared anymore…
No thought crossed her mind, except of the pain of the day being there, as she exited her house. She started towards Ponyville, but altered from her path, instead going the opposite direction, into the Everfree Forest. For only a few minutes she walked, her eyes straight ahead, no thoughts of fear crossing her mind.
She would soon have peace.
The pain, the depression, grew unbearable as Scootaloo stopped at a rock. Looking down, she found herself face to face with a large drop, one of which would be un-survivable by even the Princesses. Making sure it was a long drop; she kicked a pebble into the abyss.
It sounded back thirty seconds later.
“I’m sorry, Sweetie Belle… Apple Bloom… Rainbow Dash… everypony… But I can’t do it anymore,” she announced to no one in particular. In her mind, her friends were somehow aware of what she was about to do. But they’d forget eventually… and then she as well as they could be happy. “My legs can’t move anymore,” she admitted as she took a step forward.
“But I can make them work for one final choice.”
She took another step. She was on the edge.
“And it’s a choice that I can finally make…”
She placed a hoof over the edge.
“I can finally be happy…”
She closed her eyes and stepped forward, slowing gravity to take her body over.
The wind rushed through her mane as she fell freely, causing it to go every which direction. The force of the breeze hitting against her pained her, but at the same time it felt so good. This was her choice, and she finally had the chance to take it. For once in her life, she was in control.
It felt amazing.
She opened her eyes. The world around her went black as she continued her descent. Strangely, she found herself thinking about her life. Images if her friends, of Rainbow Dash, flooded into her mind. She began to think of all the good things in her life… of everything that made her happy, instead of the bad things. In a new light, she realized that she actually had a good life.
But she had already taken the step. She was already falling.
She was alright with it. Death didn’t scare her… Even if her life was better than she thought, even if it would have gone great… she was happy to be given the chance to decide a decision this big. Even if it would be her last.
Visions of her life passed quickly through her mind as she closed her eyes once again. Times of laughter… Times of trying to get her cutie mark… Memories of the first time she met the CMC’s… That night camping with Rainbow Dash when she was taken under her wing… everything good in her life.
There was no room for the bad in her final seconds.
She had been falling for twenty seconds; she had been counting. Intent on having the ability to know the time her death came, she began to count down.
“10…”
She thought of her friends.
“9…”
She thought of her parents.
“8…”
She thought of Rainbow Dash.
“7…”
She thought of her unknown Cutie mark, quickly pondering what it would have been.
“6…”
She thought of flying fast, even if it was on her scooter.
“5…”
She thought of laughter.
“4…”
She thought of Rainbow’s friends.
“3…”
She thought of what her life could have been.
“2…”
She thought of death.
“1…”
She thought of nothing.
A final synopsis of her entire life flashed before her eyes as she hit the ground. There wasn’t even pain… just happiness.
She felt happy.
Scootaloo slowly opened her eyes as she yawned. She became instantly aware that everything was pitch black around her, but she also saw a small amount of light coming in through a window to her left.
She was awake… but for the first time ever, she could remember the dream vividly. It was still fresh on her mind and she was sure she could still remember falling… Her skin still stung from the force of the wind. But more importantly…
She didn’t feel tired anymore. For once, she greeted waking up with open arms. She was happy… and she was alive. Looking once more at the window, out into the midnight sky, she could see Luna, looking in through her window.
She nodded at Luna, even though she wasn’t really there. Why she felt the need to, or why she even though of Luna outside of her window, she didn’t know. But for some strange reason, she felt Luna had helped her… And then she remembered.
The never-ending nightmare finally came clear to her. She remembered everything… up to Luna talking to her, telling her that she should jump. It was all so clear to her now… she just needed to stand on the brink of death to realize how to live.
She smiled as she laid back, closing her eyes. For the first time in three years, she welcomed sleep, wanted the day it brought. She would see her friends in a few hours… and she would be just happy with that. No more would the smile be fake. No more would she have to worry about the bad things… it was only the good that mattered.
And that made her happy.
She allowed herself to slip out of conscious, to slip into the world of dreams. She didn’t know what she would see… but she knew she needn’t fear it.
In her dream, Luna smiled at her.
After that, it was only a peaceful slumber. Soon, the day would start and she could live… and she knew things would never be bad again, so long as she made it stay happy. She would lead a good life.
The sun peeked in through the windows. She opened her eyes and looked out to the new day… and for the first time in as long as she could remember…
She smiled.
Author's Note
This story was painful for me to write, as it is based loosely on my own experiences for a while after my father attempted suicide. Written only because my therapist recommended it.
Of course, the metaphors are lost to a audience that doesn't know me, and it doesn't help if I hide behind a metaphor, so I'll mention them down here.
The shack: It represents the house I lived in, alone. I had neighbors, sure... but even when they were happy outside, playing... I felt isolated from everything else. For me, I did essentially live in the middle of nowhere.
The dream: I never really had a reoccurring dream, rather I lived the same thing every day. And just in her dream, I couldn't move forward in life, so I constantly hid in the past. Needless to say, I always ended up in the same place.
Scootaloo's parents: They represent my own mom and dad. The former left when I was at a young age, and I haven't spoken to her in three years. The former... even though I saw him everyday, he was a stranger to me, and I to him. The silhouette on them was because I didn't recognize them when I saw them... they were invisible to me.
Luna: While I never had a magical pony princess help me... there was something else. And it wasn't another living soul... it was a dream I had, one that taught me that everything can get better, should I just focus on the good things. In a sense, even though he wasn't around at that time, she also represents my therapist.
The cliff: This one... it's hard to explain. Before anybody asks, no, it didn't represent any form of suicide. I never got that far, luckily... But it did represent the breaking point. Every day, I found myself on that metaphoric edge, just waiting to fall over. But it was only the day that I did fall over, after having that dream, that I realized how good my situation actually was.
The Rainbow Dash picture: This one... for me, it was MLP. That kept me going, kept me happy, even though I knew it wasn't a fix to everything. But still, I held onto it, kept it in my life, which I'm glad I did. Otherwise... that cliff might not have been metaphorical.
That's it. I'd like to thank anybody that took their time to read this story. It means a lot, and I'd appreciate a comment if you could. And also a bit of parting advice: Don't let life ever get you down. It's a good thing, even during the bad times. Take it from someone who fell over the cliff, passed the brink that is supposed to not be returned from.
