Honestly, I must say I Liked you from the start. The way you laughed, the way you were always smiling around friends, but was scared of other things. It brought a smile to my face, to see that you were happy and tried to make others happy, and let them win arguments. Whenever we talked, you turned my frown around. You always knew how to make me smile, or lift my day. It wasn’t until the 2nd month of knowing you, that I noticed I had a crush on you. At first it was small. I liked you, but I wasn’t too into you. but such feelings grew. I didn’t say anything though, because I valued our friendship. I was scared to be shunned away. after thinking about the consequences of being rejected, did I imagine the idea of not being around you to talk or laugh. The idea was horrible and seemed like hell to me. In a way, it still does.
I remember the first time i asked someone about you, did I really decide to try and pursue you. I started off with just one friend. I asked Rarity, but she didn’t really know. But, I guess I could have asked better. you know i’m not good with my words. I may know what to say for others and how to help with certain things, but for me, I am horrible. I asked her if you were seeing somebody. She just shook her head and said you weren’t outgoing like that.
I kept on hanging out with you. I tried to notice what you liked. I noticed that you enjoyed drawing. I guess that was understandable. you like animals and kept to yourself, so you would draw wouldn’t you. I was horrible with drawing. I shown you that. So that’s when I asked if you could teach me how. ever since then, whenever we talked, it led to your favorite topic. The way you smiled and talked about it, brought a smile to my face, and made my day.
Things kept going this way for several days. And the more I was with you, the happier i’ve been. I had crushes before, but none a strong as this one. I tried thinking if it was just in my head, that I was too attracted to you. I concluded that i really did like you.
I didn’t know what to do. I began going to visit Twilight and the library everyday to read a book on romance. Not the sappy ones about kings and princesses and such. I read romance about people our age and time. how people found each other and how happy they were together. Twilight and I began to talk about these stories. I really enjoyed the conversations, and she never questioned my sudden interest.
Every time I read a story, I couldn’t help think about us. What I would do for you. How I read about the lovers in the story starred in each others eyes and were always happy in eachothers embrace. I ran across stories that described how you were. I enjoyed those ones the most.
I began to read another series by accident along the way. You enjoyed the show, and so I watched the show. I enjoyed it the most. more than you actually. Then you noticed that I liked to read and write too. You referenced a website for me to read these stories on. I was hooked by them all. I then began to write about stories like the ones I saw.
Since I stunk at drawing, I asked you if you wanted to draw pictures for me to put into the site along with my story. The more we hung out, the more I noticed that you were a bit more happier than usual.
I began to think if you liked me back. I didn’t want to ask, in chance that i was wrong. So a week later, I talked Rainbow Dash. She was surprised by my sudden confession. I pushed her more and she finally agreed to ask for me. but she wouldn’t mention my name, saying that she will ask if you if you were with anyone.
At this, I went home very happy. I never had such a great rest.
Then the next day came. It began like usual. But then we met later that day, and I was thinking about asking you then and there. i stood next to you, about to ask, when i looked up and noticed rainbow dash shaking her head mouthing ‘don’t do it’.
I made a questionable look, but i didn’t ask. the rest of our gathering went as usual and you left with the others. i looked to rainbow when we were alone. I walked up to her and asked her what was wrong. She told me that you were with someone.
The second I heard this, i felt something break. it was my heart. but i didn’t let the smile go from my face. I kept it there. She told me who you were with. I didn’t yell or hate. I smiled for you. you were perfect with her. You would be happy together.
I left and went straight to Rarity’s. I told her what i was told. The whole time i talked, I kept a straight face. She gasped and just stood there. After i finally said it, I began to feel the loss and failure. I began to feel a burning in my eyes. I tried to hold them back to no avail.
I began to cry. i felt the tears coming. I haven’t cried since before the rock farm. I never cried at a crush before, but this one hurt. it hurt worse than anything. You were with my best friend. the one I didn’t tell about my feelings for you. one I was going to tell that II finally got somepony.
Rarity tried to soothe me. but it didn’t help. her presence was at the back of my working mind. I bit on my hand to hold back the tears, but they still kept going. when they finally stopped, after a few hours of crying, my fingers were bruised and full of teeth marks.
Rarity said that she would never imagine me being so sad before. me, a person who was always active and smiling, trying to bring joy, would be so sad. I never was happy myself, but I kept it up for others, so that they never felt lonely like I did. but when I started to like you, i forgot all about my loneliness. the second i found out about you and her, I was reminded about it.
I felt pure betrayal. but why? It wasn’t like Applejack knew I liked you. I felt betrayed, but I knew there was no reason for it.
I walked home after and cried myself to sleep. Nobody, besides me, Rarity and rainbow, knew about you guys, and I kept it like that. we acted as if we didn’t know, because we weren’t supposed to know. I went on for a few months. You guys went public and everyone, including me, supported you guys. i was the most supportive. for being so proud of you guys, Rarity gave me a few worried looks, but shrugged them off.
After another month, I began to lose energy. I didn’t brush my hair after my showers. i just let it fall straight after a while. I didn’t care. I realized a sad truth then. i was always going to be lonely. You guys weren’t smiling around me much often. You guys were always sad. And it was my fault. My sadness was ruining you guys. i tried many things to make myself happy.
I went to go get help from a doctor, and I did get better after a while. so did you guys. but then i realized it was the drugs they gave me. I didn’t want to have to take meds to make myself better. so I stopped and you guys noticed. I couldn’t stand your guys depression or sadness. so I put on a fake smile again. But deep down i still feel the pain of loneliness. I write this to you now, because I can’t stand this anymore. I am done. I can’t stand being alone anymore, living a fake life. So i’m going to send this out and you will get it in a few days.
I just want to say that i am sorry i ruined everything for everyone. That I want you to be happy and everyone else. but you mostly. I have the pills in my hand now. when I finish this paper, i am going to swallow them and send this paper out. Fluttershy, i want you to know this first, because I know you will be able to tell the others and explain to them what i want and that i am no good anymore.
Sincerely,
Pinkamena Diane Pie
P.S. Goodbye.
Author's Note
This is hard to write, and the reason why, I can not say. Go ahead and guess and ask, but I will only answer select questions. Go ahead and not like it, even thumb it down. I really don't care. This story will still be read by those who chooses to, so if you hate it, don't judge, just read something else then. There will be future chapters now, just because of being asked to do so.
My life is written in scars, both mental and physical. Truly, they are of my own doing, but no one really asks for hell. I’ve had enough of this place, and not only has my cigarette finally burned out, but the cuts on my arms stopped bleeding, so I guess I’m not dead yet. I did a lot for the ones I know and love.
What a funny word that is. Love. There is so much weight on it, but everyone can throw it out and around all willy nilly. I would be lying if I haven’t abused this word before. But now, I don’t even want it to leave my lips. For me, this word hurts beyond anything. My heart has been warped, destroyed, ripped out and burned under the amount of emotion I had for her.
A new girl, after all my depression and finally getting over things. She came around. I dated two girls in my time after my trip to the hospital. The first one was no connection and was simply empty companionship, while the second was just both of us looking for love, but it wasn’t with each other. She is still a good friend, but I wouldn’t know how long she may stay around seeing how her days are numbered by the amount of cuts she fairs.
But this girl came to me, of all people. She came to me. She had a crush on me, oh my how I felt about that. I promised nothing, but in my mind, I was figuring things out. I took her to a movie, and I took her on several dates, when we finally had our first kiss in the car at the park. Boy, was it magical. I never felt anything like it before.I melted into her kiss.
From then on, we went on more dates and we grew closer and closer. We didn’t even have an argument, until we were about to hit our five month anniversary.
She left for spring break and I was left at home to work. I went the whole week with this bad gut feeling. A feeling that wouldn’t go away. I just tried to ignore it, since I was going to a party on the last day of break. It was the only party I was going to that spring break and I needed something to distract me, seeing how she had no cellular connection to talk. As I sat and waited around the fire of smokers and kids just having a good time, I just zoned out as I looked at my phone, wondering when she would come home or text me. So, I sent a text saying I loved her so much, and that I couldn’t wait for her to come home.
She then replied that she was home and that we needed to talk. The feeling came back harder than before, and it was hurting. I got up and replied with sure. I said I was about to call, and she said no. She can’t call, she could only text. So I felt even worse. And I remember what she said, even though I deleted her number.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m so sorry. I never meant for this to happen. You deserve someone so much better than this. I just can’t be with you anymore. I am so sorry. I understand if we can’t be friends.
I called her right away. I couldn’t handle it. I needed to know why. Why this was happening. Why my true love was leaving me. And when she answered, I would get my answer.
“Please talk to me. What did you do?” I asked, my voice catching in my throat.
“Please… I can’t… in person… tomorrow…” Her voice was quiet.
“No. No no no no no. No. We went so long without talking and then you come back and tell me this. I love you, and I missed you so much. No. You tell me. Now.”
“I… I… I can’t…”
“What did you do?! Did you cut again?”
“No….” She was starting to cry.
“What did you fucking do? Did… did you cheat?”
She didn’t reply that time and started to cry. I knew that was the answer, but it hurt more to know the truth.
“When? When was this? Before you left?”
“No…”
“So it was over in west virginia?” I felt the anger boiling to the surface.
“I… I didn’t mean…” I just stared at my phone.
“FUCK!” I hung up. I couldn’t take much more. I had left the party and started to walk when I called her, so when I hung up, I was lost. I fell to my knees, and I just balled. I heard the people in the house next to me shouting and arguing. A woman saying something about how she shouldn’t be called something. I got up after a few minutes and dialed her bestfriend, my bestfriend I used to date but we were only friends together. She picked up tiredly.
“Hello…?” I could tell she was sleeping.
“She… she cheated on me. I don’t know why. Why, why, why, why, why… Why me? I loved her… and she left and… oh why…” I continued to cry and try to talk into her ear.
“Breathe! Breathe! I don’t know why she did what she did. I don’t know! I’ll call her, okay?”
“Okay…”
She hung up and I realized I was laying on my back on some random persons lawn, still balling my eyes out. After a few minutes, she called back.
“She wouldn’t answer, saying she was over someones house.”
I continued to walk and cry to her on the phone. I felt so lost and destroyed. I was in the bad part of town. I was on the main road and I heard gunshots in the distance, and a guy drove by in a car with a blown tire. I was scared, but I wanted something awful to happen to me. I continued to walk. My friend trying to comfort me.
A train came by, and I wanted to keep walking forward and not stop. I kinda wish I did. But, I waited and kept walking, lost. Before I knew it, she said something about calling a guy we know and hung up. I stopped at the local fast food place near the train tracks. Before I knew it, he called me up and asked where I was. I told him, and in a blink of an eye, he was there to take me home. I sat in the car, dead.
Once home, I thanked him for the ride and went into my room. I didn’t talk to anyone, they were never good at helping me anyway. So, I went into my bed and I cried. I cried all night, and the next day.
As stupid as it was, I spent the whole next day trying to convince her to try and work things out, since I loved her so much. But no, she couldn’t. So when the next day came around, I didn’t go. I stayed home to cry my eyes out. Boy did I cry. A lot.
Then she texted me, begging for a second chance. Begging. After all my thinking, I didn’t want to, but I did, and I was. But I made her come to my house and I talked to her about what she needed to do now. And then she asked my parents for forgiveness, and we were back together again.
It was getting better for about a week, but then after a day of going back to our old days, I smoked to destress. And I told her since I thought she needed to know. She didn’t like that, so we talked. And then I said a stupid line. I said smoking was better than cutting, and to a girl who cuts, it seemed like I attacked her.
So, we broke up because she thought we didn’t need a relationship. Another week goes by and I couldn’t handle it. She said there was a possibility of us getting back together, but there really wasn’t. She gave up before anything. But I tried everything I could. I apologized, I tried to be friends, I bought her flowers and everything. But it wasn’t working. So, one night. I cut. I said I never would, and I never understood cutting.
But I fucking cut. And it worked. I got lost. Felt nothing. I cut several times, each one deeper and deeper. But I didn’t want her to know.
After another day, I thought things were getting better, and so I asked her to prom and to get back together with me and give me another chance, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t forgive herself. She found out I cut.
That night, we talked and I said I couldn’t be around her if we weren’t going to get back together. I had too much emotion for her and I was hurting myself. She hung up on me crying and called our bestfriend, who called me asking me why I did it. I told her I was practically on the verge of suicide. She said okay.
Then, during the night, the one I loved started attacking me with the fact she is now cutting more and more, and how it is my fault. Then I just had to reply with one thing. How much did she try to help me in my pain. I went through my pain and helped her so much. I sacrificed so much for her. Now I’m numb and can’t feel anything. I have cried every night since.
And I still want to say I love her.
Author's Note
I fucking hate love
