Chapters The Cassandra Chronicles, Some Extras
Fluttershy was hard at work feeding her animals. The ferrets and birds downed their food without complaint, but Angel Bunny was a different story.
"Please eat your carrot" said Fluttershy, but Angel crossed his arms and threw the carrot on the ground. "Two bites?" he shook his head. "One bite?" He ignored her. "Ok then little guy," a grinning smile crossed Fluttershy's face, "how about you eat it all, or I tell Cassandra that you're being difficult." Angel gasped and snarfed down his carrot. "You don't look like you're enjoying it very much. Do I need to tell Cassandra that you're ungrateful for the food I provide?" Angel forced a smile and looked up at his master pleadingly. "Didn't think so. Now you eat up, ok?"
*****
"Attention everypony" said Twilight, "There is a big black cloud of smoke settling over Ponyville. Doesn't really affect you, my friends and I are going to take care of it. Soooo... just go about your business I guess." She went back to town and met Cassandra.
"Cassandra, why do we need all seven of us to go when you're perfectly capable of handling it yourself?"
"Because Fluttershy's talent is caring for animals. She needs to learn about every species." said the wizened and beautiful Cassandra.
Twilight gushed, "Wow Cassandra, there's so much I can learn from you!"
"You should follow along. In fact, let's get the whole gang to join us. If nothing else they can carry our supplies." They did an A-Team montage with the seven of them gathering supplies. Cassandra was a master of guns and magic, so she brought some of both.
They arrived at the mountain, but Fluttershy said, "I'm scared to climb." The others groaned but Cassandra said,
"It's ok, you don't get a toned body like mine without doing a little walking. Besides, that rock wall is so vertical that there's a good chance that one of you would slip and fall off." They agreed that Cassandra's advice was solid and they should trust it. They continued on, and Rarity played tic-tac-toe with Pinkie Pie.
"Oh bollocks, I've lost again." cursed Rarity.
"I'll give you the secret to never losing for five sessions of practice kissing" offered Cassandra. Rarity agreed, They came to a scary looking crevasse, and Fluttershy was afraid to jump, so Cassandra sang the "Hop, Skip, and a Jump" song to help her. Even with her help, Fluttershy couldn't make it across.
"Flutterhsy, how about I just carry you the rest of the way?" said Cassandra exasperatedly.
"I-I can ride on your back?" said Flutterhsy nervously. This was a new level of touching for them.
"Sure, hop on. My level 99 strength should be sufficient."
"O..ok." It was a dream for Fluttershy, to mount her idol like that. With her heart beating like a drum, she placed herself on Cassandra's strong back. Her muscles felt nice, her coat was pleasantly soft, and her wings were pleasantly downy. Also her body was very warm.
"Alright everypony, let's move out." said Cassandra. They came to an avalanche, but Cassandra used Minecraft magic to fix the mountain. She found diamonds inside the rubble. Also, an army of creepers attacked, but they were no match for the mighty Cassandra, who was just as nimble even with Fluttershy on her back.
Finally they came to the dragon's cave.
"Ah have an idea!" said Applejack, "Ah'll solve this problem with apples!"
"How exactly?" said Cassandra.
""Honestly, ah ain't quite sure, but seein' as ah brought nothin' but apple stuff, ah got no choice but ta make it work somehow."
"Fair enough."
Applejack went into the cave and took an apple fritter out of her saddlebag. She placed it on a plate and laid it before the dragon. "Howdy dragon, do ya want a nice apple fritter?" The dragon snubbed and turned his head away. Applejack was furious at his rejection, "What th' hell dragon?! Well fine then, if yer gonna be like this, then ah don't gotta be sweet!" She took a bottle of apple cider out and hurled it at the dragon. It bounced off his tough scale armor and flew back at Applejack, hitting her square in the skull, and she died.
"Hey Applejack, you still alive in there?" called Cassandra. She peered into the cave, "Well shit. Who wants to try next?" They looked expectantly at Fluttershy.
"I... can't" whimpered the pusillanimous pegasus.
"Fluttershy, you have to" insisted Twilight.
"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid of dragons.
"But Fluttershy," begged Twilight, "you have to be the one to-" Cassandra held up a hoof.
"It's ok Twilight. I'll handle this." Cassandra flew into the cave and approached the dragon bravely. "Dragon! I am Cassandra, long-lost sister to the Princess and the most powerful pony in Equestria. I demand that you move to a location where your snoring will not disturb us." The dragon flew off compliantly. Everypony cheered, the day had been won. Cassandra let Fluttershy ride her on the journey home.
Cassandra broke the world record for number of times bouncing a ball on one's head, and Twilight began writing her friendship report.
Dear Princess Celestia. Today I learned a most wonderful lesson from my good friend Cassandra. While it's great if every member of a team can contribute something, there's no reason designate each pony a role just for the sake of narrative. Indeed, Cassandra showed us that there's no shame in letting one pony do all the work if she's better at everything.
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.
The Cassandra Chronicles, Some Extras
It was 1:00 in the afternoon, and Rarity was fast asleep in bed, having ignored Cassandra's advice about slowing down on tequila shooters from the night before. She was dreaming about Cassandra, when from the kitchen she smelled something almost as delicious. She got out of bed and hurried downstairs. In the kitchen she saw Sweetie Belle furiously working at the countertop with all sorts of fancy foods and cooking tools.
"Sweetie Belle, it smells just marvelous in here!" she remarked, eyeing up the succulent spread of quiches, fritatas, omelettes, jams, and all manner of professionally-cooked breakfast foods.
"I'll have ya know Sweetie Belle cooked this here breakfast all by herself, donhtcha know?" said Rarity's mom
"Cassandra taught me that it's good manners to prepare a meal for your hostess." said Sweetie Belle.
"But last time you cooked, you burnt everything"
"She gave me cooking lessons too."
"Yah so we're dumpin' Sweetie Belle here fer a week" said Rarity's dad, "hope ya don't have any plans."
"I was going to wash my clothes, clean my room, and hunt for gems."
"Oh! I'll help you with your chores!" said Sweetie Belle enthusiastically.
"Wonderful!" said Rarity, "we are going to have such a great week together."
"Aw, it's so sweet to see sisters getting along" said Cassandra.
***** Half an hour late r*****
"Darling sister, you've gone and spit your bit" said Rarity condescendingly, "Cassandra was winking at me ."
"Horseapples," replied Sweetie Belle, "colts and fillies alike are lined up round the block to get some of Sweetie Belle's sweet sweet white ass."
"Such an uncouth tongue, Cassandra would never let it in her mouth. Why don't you try for somepony in your own league, like Snips or Snails?"
"Fuck you! Cassandra's not interested in an old hag like you!"
"That doesn't even make sense! Cassandra's older than me!"
"Well, then...!" Sweetie Belle stammered, struggling to find a comeback, "then...I'm going outside!"
"Good!"
"And if I get hurt, you'll be the legally liable guardian!"
"Wait, what?"
*****
"Hey Sweetie Belle, why th' long face?" said Applebloom
"I had a fight with my sister." lamented Sweetie Belle
"Ya mean Rarity? Big Mac told me she's a really good floral Hawaiian necklace."
"Hey, I have an idea. Can I borrow Applejack as my big sister for a day? It'll help me put Rarity in perspective."
"A day? Why dontcha take her ferever?" suggested Applebloom
Sweetie Belle replied firmly, "One. Day."
"Howdy there Sweetie Belle, wanna help us crush th' grapes?" said Applejack
"Sure!" said Sweetie Belle, "if it's wine, can I have some? Uh, Rarity said it was ok."
"Honestly ah don't know what it is," said Applejack, "ah label it as grape juice, but about half of'em are fermented and ah haven't th' faintest of which. Oh well, life is full o' mysteries."
They spent the rest of the day stomping grapes and imprisoning sentient sheep. That night they polished off several bottles of the mystery grape juice
"I ffffeeellll happY" slurred Sweetie Belle, "thish is the besht grapejuice EVER!!!"
"shhhhhhhh, it ain't wine ok? It's like Schrodinger's cat- whoops!" said Applejack as she tumbled over, "ah AM a real clumsy pony" she started laughing uncontrollably
"My sssister has a cat. Rarity's cat loves Casssandra, and Cassandra loves Rarity's pussy. Waitwait, I'm not supposed to use bad words like that."
"Y-you sillllly filly, Schrodinger's cat ain't a real cat. It's like it's like, we dunno if this is wine er grape juice, so we're both drunk an' lucid."
"I'm preeeeeeeeeetty sure this is grapejuice" said Sweetie Belle, "Appablue, what's your vote?" Applebloom was sitting off to the side, lost deep in thought,
"Y'know, ah've been thinkin' about our crusadin', an' how we always fail at whatever we do. Maybe, just maybe, we secretly want t'fail. 'Cause we wanna know what our cutie marks're gonna be, but we're afraid o' what'll happen if we don't like th' answer. Like, if ah woke up one day and found an apple on mah flank, ah'd wish ah could get back th' wonder of not knowin', and th' hopin' fer it not t'be somethin' sucky."
"Sweetie Belle dear, can I have a moment to talk?"
"Hey Schweetie, ain't that yer sister?" said Applejack
"I don't have a sister, you're my sister now" she hugged Applejack.
"Please Sweetie Belle, I have come to forgive you for our fight."
"No talking. Only drinking. And you can haaaaaaaave... this one!" she tossed a bottle to her sister, who took a sip.
"It's just grape juice."
"Hah! Then you don't get to be cool like us."
****
"Good morning everypony" said Rarity cheerily, "How are those hangovers treating you?"
"Oh Celestia, no more talking" moaned Sweetie Belle.
"Can't lift... mah head" said Applebloom.
"Well, I do hope you've learned your lesson on the dangers of alcohol. Get up Applejack" She kicked the prone-lying earthpony in the ribs, "...and a lesson on what kind of a fillysitter Applejack is. This has to be third-worst thing that's happened while she was watching you."
Cassandra happened flying by and she joined them on the ground. "I sure am glad I know a hangover cure spell. Rarity, how about some practice kissing for it?"
"Not this time," said Rarity, "they need to learn this the hard way."
"Rarity for fuck's saaaake!" whined Sweetie Belle, wincing in pain, "just pay the lady!"
"Oh all right. Cassandra, if you would please." Cassandra spread her wings and her eyes glowed white. A light enveloped Applejack, Applebloom, and Sweetie Belle. They floated off the ground as the light intensified and finally flashed.
"The sunlight isn't trying to kill me anymore!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle, "thanks Cassandra!"
"No problem. Have you two learned the dangers of alcohol?"
"Yes m'am, we will never touch a drop again." said Applebloom and Sweetie Belle simultaneously.
"Hey y'all, it's almost time fer th' SIsterhooves Social!" said Applejack
"What's that?" asked Rarity
"It's sorta a self-congratulatory event where we have a bunch o' contests, and me an' Applebloom win all of 'em because they're thinly-disguised farm chores that we've been practicin' all year."
"It is truly fascinating how easily you are amused." said Cassandra.
"So since yer borrowin' me an' all, let's race t'gether, Sweetie Belle."
They went to the event where Big Mac and Granny Smith had done all of the work to set everything up.
"Attention everypony" said Granny Smith, "Before we get to th' race, we're gonna have us an exhibition run. Princess Celestia an' her long-lost sister Cassandra will attempt ta break their own record for th' fastest time around th' track!" Cassandra and Celestia stood poised at the starting line. "On yer mark, get set, GO!" The two whipped around the track, completing the obstacles with breakneck speed and precise efficiency. Within seconds they were back at the finish line.
"Thirty six seconds" said Granny Smith, "sorry, no new record."
"Celestia slowed me down." explained Cassandra, "Tia, go work out and don't disappoint me next time."
"Thank you for running with me, Cassandra, you have my sincerest apologies."
"Now" said Granny, "Everypony else... on yer mark, get set, GO!"
At the very first obstacle, Applejack fell into the mud, "Go on without me!" she yelled
"I plan to" said Sweetie Belle, but Applejack emerged moments later, covered in mud, and the two of them blitzed all the obstacles together, until they reached the last one, where they were defeated. Applejack's hat fell off to reveal that she wasn't Applejack at all, but Rarity.
"Rarity, I'm so sorry for disowning you" said Sweetie Belle, "will you take me back? I did this experiment to give myself perspective, and it worked. I miss having a roof over my head, and not having to do manual labor. While I don't like rules, I see that they keep me safe. And now that I know you can race as good as Applejack, that's yet another point in your favor. You see, sisterhood is like apple pie - tolerable as long as it isn't Applejack's." They embraced.
"Aw, it's so sweet to see sisters getting along" said Princess Celestia.
"Who said you were allowed to talk?" said Cassandra.
Author's Note
You may have noticed that Vol. 1 doesn't hav ethe "sex" tag, but this one does. Now you know why.
The Cassandra Chronicles, Some Extras
Applejack and Rainbow Dash held an Iron Pony competition, with the prize being winning a date with Cassandra. Normally Cassandra would never let somepony cheapen her like that, but to have them go to such great lengths on her behalf was a perfect way to remind them of their place.
Applejack won the first five competitions because they were all about kicking and/or baking apple treats, but Rainbow Dash won all the others because they were about anything else.
"Now hold on just a durn minute!" objected Applejack, "Rainbow Dash cheated! She used her wings in almost all those contests!"
"Why are you just bringing that up now?" said Cassandra.
"Ah was usin' th' same logic as th' Mare Do Well episode; if I pout silently and don't do or say nothin' about it, eventually Rainbow Dash will stop. And before you go sayin' that that's dumb, ah'll remind you that Mare Do Well was mostly Twilight's idea."
"Point taken. But it's too late to change the decision, so Rainbow come back to my place to claim your prize, and Applejack, you lost so you get nothing and you will never ever find anypony to love you." Applejack looked sad, but she knew Cassandra was probably right.
*****
The next day was the beginning of fall and all the leaves had to come down. Also, the ponies needed to get more exercise. The brilliant and beautiful Cassandra had come up with a solution to both problems: The Running of the Leaves. In this event, the ponies would race through Ponyville, with the backdrafts from their running taking down all the leaves. Rainbow Dash and Applejack were still feuding, so they decided to make it into another competition. To make things fair, Rainbow agreed to have her wings tied up. She blushed when she looked over at Cassandra, this situation reminded her of the night prior.
To their surprise, Twilight was taking part too.
"Twilight, since when do you know how to run?" inquired Rainbow Dash.
"Since birth. But if you mean, when did I start becoming interested in racing, it was a couple days ago when I read a book about it."
"A BOOK?" sneered Dash, barely able to contain her laughter.
"Yes, but not just any book. I got this book from Cassandra."
Rainbow and Applejack gasped. "Ya got help from Cassandra??? That ain't fair Twilight!" whined Applejack
"Yeah that's be like if I had 200 pairs of wings, and they weren't tied up."
"Deal with it" said Cassandra.
From the balloon, Pinkie said "On your mark, get set, GO!"
*****
Rainbow Dash and Applejack quickly took the lead, but their interest in fair competition was lost after Rainbow tripped over a stump and Applejack tripped over her own hooves, and both accused the other of foul play. Rainbow came to a sign that pointed the way along the path, so she changed it to send Applejack in the wrong direction. When Applejack got to the sign, she thought it was strange that the race went up a mountain, but followed the sign nonetheless.
The path led Applejack to the edge of the cliff. "Well that's weird" she said, "ah don't think it's very safe ta set up a race like this. But th' sign did say ta go this way, so that's what ah'm gonna do!" She leapt off the cliff and fell to her doom.
*****
At the finish line, Rainbow Dash found that her fooling around had made her finish last.
"WHAT???" she cried. Twilight came over, proudly wearing a medal. "Twilight? You finished first?"
"Goodness no, Cassandra's not a miracle worker. But her pacing lessons did allow me to take fifth place."
"Then who won?" demanded Rainbow Dash.
"I did, of course" said Cassandra, effortlessly carrying a huge trophy thanks to her level 99 strength. "But don't feel bad Rainbow Dash, technically you didn't come in last - Applejack never made it to the finish line."
"Huh, so her final act did some good after all" said Dash.
"Sounds to me like an important lesson was learned" said Princess Celestia.
Cassandra rolled her eyes, "Tia, don't try to take credit for this, I did all the work. In fact, why are you even here? Go away."
"I'm sorry for disappointing you Cassandra" said Rainbow Dash, "can I make it up to you with some practice kissing?"
"You sure can."
Author's Note
I know this is short, I admit I ran out of ideas. But I think the next chapter will make it up for it, it's a second look at the Equestria Girls movie, an over 3500 word adventure. Don't miss it!
The Cassandra Chronicles, Some Extras
The Missing Crown: Take 2
Cadence invited the Mane 7 to the Crystal Empire.
"Twilight and Cassandra! So good to see you two again!" said Cadence, "Cassandra you wanna get some Labatt Crystal and see where the night takes us?" she asked seductively.
"Cady, you're married now. I wouldn't feel right doing that unless both you and Shining are involved."
"I think we can arrange that."
"Princess, what's the big emergency that you called us here for?" cut in Twilight
"Do you remember last time when you came to the Crystal Empire and I said 'One of these days we need to get together when the fate of Equestria isn't hanging in the balance'?"
"Er, yeah I guess so..."
"Well here we are, and the fate of Equestria, isn't hanging in the balance."
"That's it?"
"That's it."
Cassandra facehoofed. "Cady, I don't subscribe to the theory that one has to choose between brains and beauty, but you're a very strong argument for it."
"I see what I have to do," said Cadence, "I'll go cause Equestria to be hanging in the balance!"
"No wait!" called Cassandra, but it was too late.
That night, Twilight's crown was stolen and replaced with a fake by the nefarious Sunset Shimmer. The next morning, the ponies met with Princess Celestia to figure out what to do.
"That pony you saw was Sunset Shimmer, my third most faithful student behind Twilight and Cassandra. She was once a promising student of mine until she didn’t get what she wanted, and her heart grew to darkness. She took the crown through the mirror into the alternate universe.”
While Celestia continued with the exposition, Cassandra was examining the duplicate Element of Magic. “Hey Tia, shut up for a second and look at this,” said Cassandra - she was allowed to talk to her like that because the princess was her long lost sister.
"What is it, did she take the fake by accident?" said Celestia
"No she took the real one, I was just tired of hearing your voice."
"We have to send Twilight through the portal to get it back." said Celestia. "Cassandra, you've been to the human world before, perhaps you should go with her?"
"I don't think that's a good idea. You've heard of Helen of Troy, haven't you?" Actually they hadn't, because none of them were as well-read as Cassandra, "she was so beautiful that men went to war for her. A similar thing happened to me when I visited, and the war was 1000 times bloodier. So I believe that it's for the best if my human form never sees the light of day again."
"Please Cassandra, you must be brave" said Celestia, "you are the only one who can save Equestria. We all trust that you can find a solution." The other ponies nodded in agreement.
"That is all very true" said Cassandra, "all right. I'll do it for Equestria, and practice kissing."
"We'll give you the best you've ever had." said Rarity.
"Good luck you two" said Celestia.
"And to all of you as well" said Cassandra, "for you have to go three days without me."
And so, the two ponies and a dragon stepped through the mirror portal, and into the unknown world.
*****
"Welcome to the human world!" said Cassandra, "it's been centuries since I was here last, but I know some basics. The only sentient species is called 'humans', or in casual conversation, 'people.' Colts are called 'boys', filles 'girls,' stallions 'men' and mares 'women.'"
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" said Twilight, looking at her hands in horror.
"Really? The augmented fine-motor skills are what's got you down?"
"They're weird" whined Twilight
"Trust me, you'll miss them when you're back in Equestria, alone in your bed one night, and you realize you can't fit a hoof inside your special place."
"CASSANDRA!" blushed Twilight, "I do not -"
"You're 23 years old and you never talk to colts. You have needs, I completely understand."
"I hate these clothes and I want out." groused Twilight, not wasting anytime in airing her grievances.
"It's not polite to be without clothes in this society" said Cassandra, "it'll get you a lot of unwanted attention from older men."
"Cassandra, if I can't appeal to older men, then I have no reason to even exist." said Twilight matter-of-factly.
"Twilight we're in the 'Equestria Girls' movie. That ship sailed long ago."
"Point taken."
"♪ ♫ Will you lend a caring hand...? ♪ ♫"
"Fluttershy?" said Twilight quizzically. Indeed, the melodic voice belonged to her pegasus friend from back home - the human version of her.
"How did you know my name?" she said. She turned to Cassandra, "and why do you look like a recolored version of me?"
"Because you secretly want to be me" replied Cassandra, "bold, brave, and beautiful. You're one-third of the way there if you don't mind me saying." Fluttershy blushed. "How many fliers did you manage to distribute?"
Fluttershy looked down. "Zero. I'm too shy to really approach anyone."
"Allow me" said Cassandra. She grabbed a handful of fliers and bravely distributed them among the crowd.
Fluttershy was so impressed she could barely contain herself, "oh Cassandra, how can I ever thank you?"
"Practice kissing?"
"Oh of course!" she puckered her lips and moved towards Cassandra.
"We'll do it later, we're very busy right now. Have you seen a crown?"
"Yeah, and I gave it to Principal Celestia."
"Principal? Wow, that's a long hard fall from being the immortal ruler of a sovereign nation." commented Twilight.
"What?"
"Uh, nothing, we've gotta go." Cassandra snatched up Twilight and dragged her away before she put her foot in her mouth anymore.
*****
The two of them went to Principal Celestia's office.
"My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I'm new here, um don't bother looking for my records to verify that I'm actually a student."
"Whatever, my sister handles all that boring stuff." said Celestia.
"How can I get the crown?"
"By winning the fall formal."
"Why is there no Fall Formal Prince?"
"I don't know. Any other stupid questions?"
"Just one, how come you have such long legs? Seriously, they're as tall as me."
"Excuse me?"
"We'll be going now" said Cassandra. She pulled Twilight out the door and closed it behind her.
"You have really strong arms, Cassandra" said Twilight
"Nevermind that " said Cassandra, "while you were talking, I located the wallsafe where Celestia kept the crown, observed the combination when she put it away, took a clay impression of her office key, and read Cat Burglary 101 cover to cover. I think it's pretty clear what we have to do now."
"Yes," said Twilight, "I must become Princess of the Fall Formal."
Cassandra was going to correct Twilight, but chose not to, this was one of those times she had to learn for herself.
*****
The next period was lunch, and Twilight met up with Fluttershy again at the cafeteria. Twilight put a beef burger on her tray, but Cassandra hastily replaced it with a green, fibrous veggie burger. "This one's vegetarian, like the hamburgers we have back home. Those ones have meat in them. I don't think you're ready for that"
"Cassandra, please" said Twilight defiantly, "I'm a princess for Celestia's sake. I'm going to ignore your advice." She took the beef burger and sat down at the table. "So Fluttershy," she began, taking a bite, "why is everypony in this school - oh my god this is GOOD! Like ten thousand times better than any food we have in Equestria! Sweet Celestia, is this what I've been missing out on??? When we get back home I'm making it legal to slaughter cows. I'm a fucking princess! I can do whatever I WANT!......and I need to change my panties."
"So was that from the food or the power?" asked Cassandra
"Probably both" said Twilight
"So, um, what were you saying about cliques?" interjected Fluttershy
"Oh right. I was saying why are the students in cliques? That's extremely backwards compared to Equestrian society."
"What's got you on your high horse all of a sudden?" said Cassandra, "people form groups because of common interests, not because they're evil."
"Sorry" said Twilight sheepishly, "I was still coming down from that food & power-gasm. Don't worry, I won't do anything crazy, like making cliques an offense punishable by death."
"That's a relief" said Fluttershy, "anyway, you need to go talk to Pinkie Pie if you want to run for fall formal.
*****
Cassandra and Twilight went to the gymnasium where they saw Pinkie setting up for the Fall Formal. She gave them the pen and clipboard to apply for Princess. Twilight looked confusedly at the pen, and tried to grab it with her mouth.
"I'd better handle this" said Cassandra. She took the pen and wrote Twilight's name on the clipboard.
"Did someone order a dozen cases of fizzy apple cider?" called Applejack from the doorway.
"Applejack is in charge of the catering" explained Pinkie Pie.
"Cool, so what else did you bring?" asked Cassandra
"What else do ya need?" asked Applejack. "Now Big Mac, ah brought in one case, can you take care o' th' rest of it?"
"We'll be on our way" said Cassandra, and the two of them left. Soon after, Sunset Shimmer came in, and she wasn't too happy about being challenged for the crown. "Who is this Twilight Sparkle? Grr, her handwriting is so pristine and perfect that it makes me want to KILL HER!"
*****
Twilight was passing by a vending machine when she saw a tasty looking fruit snack. "You have any money Cassandra?"
"Why would I? We were fortunate enough to teleport here with clothes. Here let me try something." In a raised voice she said, "It sure would exhibit GENEROSITY if someone were to..."
"The Grrrrrrrrrrrreat and Powerful Trixie!" interrupted Trixie.
"Oh come on" said Cassandra. She slapped Trixie out of frustration.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie...enjoyed that, actually. Can I have another?"
"Buy us that fruit snack and we'll talk" said Cassandra.
"Is that all you want?" she asked quizzically, "Why for such a lovely favour, The Grateful and Powerful Trixie will buy you all the fruit snacks!"
"Bet we could get the entire vending machine if you introduce the riding crop," said Twilight with a smirk.
"Twilight PLEASE!" said Cassandra, annoyed but not surprised by her friend's lack of decorum
"Are you offering?" interjected Trixie.
"C'mon Cassandra, I'm hungry" whined Twilight. Spike also looked at her with pleading eyes.
Cassandra sighed, "Fine, I'll take one for the team."
*****
"Did you follow Twilight Sparkle around like I asked you to?" said Sunset Shimmer to her lackeys Snips and Snails.
"We sure did" said Snails, "and we got all kinds of dirt on her!"
"Yeah, we got hard evidence of her bringing a dog onto school property and trespassing after hours!" added Snips proudly.
"In addition we don't recall ever seeing her go to any classes. We think she might be some kind of weird vagabond."
"And more importantly, not actually a student of Canterlot High, and therefore not eligible to win the Fall Formal."
"Then I know what I must do," said Sunset, "make an insulting video of Twilight, and hope that dissuades people from voting for her!"
*****
The next day, Twilight's friends pulled her into a classroom for an emergency meeting. They showed her the video that Sunset Shimmer made, but the damage control session quickly fell apart when they started fighting.
"Pinkie brought fireworks to my silent auction!" said Fluttershy
"Your e-mail said you wanted a violent auction!" objected Pinkie, "anyway Rarity left me in the lurch when I texted her to help me with decorations!"
"Rainbow was s'posed ta bring the softball team to mah bake sale!" said Applejack, "but they never showed up, an' as a result ah barely made any sales! Why one customer was so disgusted by the softball team's absence that he spit out his apple strudel right in mah face!"
"Excuse me" said Cassandra. "I come from a universe where the telegraph is considered cutting-edge technology, so take this for what it's worth, but it occurs to me that your communications should've had some sort of signature that identifies who really sent them."
"By jove she's right!" said Rarity, "I never bothered to check the caller ID's. And look, they were all from Sunset Shimmer!!!"
*Dramatic Music Sting*
"We were all wrong to accuse each other" said Pinkie. They embraced.
"So what's the next step?" said Twilight
"We go talk to Rainbow Dash." said Applejack.
*****
"Sure, I'll help you," said Dash, "but only if one of you can beat me!"
"I'll take you on" said Cassandra, springing up, but Rarity held her back and whispered,
"Careful now dear, she hates losing."
"Ah, I see. Twilight, how about you take this one?" Twilight's face lit up like a Christmas tree, just from the thought that Cassandra trusted her to win a soccer game against the mighty Rainbow Dash.
"Just to make things interesting, I'll handicap myself by wearing knee length boots and a skirt" said Dash confidently. She kicked Twilight's ass in spite of the handicap.
Next, they went to a cafe, where Twilight bumped into Sunset Shimmer's ex, Flash Sentry. Ponies with weaker conviction than Cassandra would've said "fuck this I'm done" at that point but Cassandra pushed herself to be brave and suffer through this insufferable new character.
"buy Twilight a new drink" she said, "that collision was your fault."
"ok" he said
"Also give me your guitar and take this" she handed him an accordion. "I'm letting you keep your sports car because I'm humane, but if you show just one more garystu tendency, I'll make you into Equestria's first gelding."
"ok" he said.
*****
The next day in the cafeteria, they sat down with their respective cliques; Rarity with the fashionistas, Fluttershy with the eco-kids who were eating fish-farmed sushi with disposable wooden chopsticks, and Applejack with the other 5th graders. They performed their "Helping Twilight Win The Crown" song, and it was truly a spectacle, because it managed to break even less ground than High School Musical. But the boys enjoyed it because they got some good upskirt views when the girls were standing on the tables, so Twilight couldn't complain.
"Drat" said Sunset Shimmer, "now I have to sabotage her. If only I had some incriminating evidence that could get her kicked out!"
"We still have-" began Snails
"We'll destroy the dance and doctor the photos to make it look like Twilight did it!" said Sunset. She did, and they hurried to tell Vice Principal Luna. After hearing the news, Luna immediately called Twilight and Cassandra into her office.
"After reviewing these photos" said Luna, "my sister and I..."
"*cough* nepotism" whispered Cassandra to Twilight. Twilight giggled. While a little uncouth, Cassandra's insinuation was probably true.
"...my sister and I have decided to take you out of the running for Fall Formal."
"but-" began Twilight
"Now get out of my office before I do something really crazy, like suspending you, or making you pay for the damages!"
"Vice Principal Luna, I have something to show you" said Flash Sentry
"Fuck off Sentry" said Cassandra
"But it's exonerating evidence" he whined.
"Fine" said Luna, "leave it on my desk, and then fuck off."
"Hey, if these photos are doctored, then can't we just peel off the picture of Twilight and see who's really responsible?" suggested Cassandra. The rest of them chose to ignore her advice.
*****
Later that day, Cassandra led the charge to fix the dance in time so that the Fall Formal could go on as scheduled. She also saved Fluttershy from getting hit in the face with a broom.
"My hero" swooned Fluttershy.
Later that night, they went to Rarity's to dress up for the prom.
"Twilight, if you would please let Spike out, we're going to get changed." said Rarity.
Cassandra leaned down and hissed at Spike, "you owe me big."
"huh?" whispered Spike back
To the group Cassandra said, "What's the big deal? He's just a dog."
"Oh all right, I guess he can stay."
"thankyouthankyouthankyou" mouthed Spike to Cassandra. Applejack was struggling to put on a pair of cumbersome and impractical cowboy boots.
"Applejack, don't wear those" advised Cassandra, "you can't even walk in them."
"Cassandra, ah don't like th' word can't ," said Applejack, "Applejack, ya can't eat all those apples. Applejack ya can't sell just apple treats at the bake sale. Applejack, ya can't bring yer cousin Braeburn as yer prom date. Ah'm gonna ignore yer advice! Now if you'll excuse me ah gotta- WHOA!" she had tried to storm out, but had lost her balance and fell over. She tried to get back up, but couldn't find footing on her awkward footwear. The others rolled their eyes and helped her to her feet
*****
At the dance, Twilight won the crown, and it looked like the day was saved, until Sunset Shimmer came in and stole her crown!
"Give it back!" demanded Twilight, lunging at Sunset. Rainbow caught the crown and threw it to Rarity, who threw it to Fluttershy. Fluttershy panicked and couldn't throw it before Snips and Snails surrounded her.
"Ah'll save ya!" said Applejack, and she whipped out her lasso, grabbing Fluttershy but failing to save the crown.
"Thank you for that fumble, Applejack" said Sunset, picking up the crown. She placed it on her head and transformed into a hideous demon!
"Run away!" cried Applejack, and she made a mad dash for the school, but she tripped on her boot and hit her head on the concrete step, and died.
Sunset Shimmer smashed the wall open and hypnotized all of the students into doing her bidding. "Now, I shall conquer Equestria with my own army of TEENAGERS!!!" she said, desperately trying to sound menacing.
"The hell you will" said Cassandra. She conjured up her Element of Harmony, a jewel-encrusted gold suit of armor. She drew her gold and silver sword and slashed Sunset Shimmer, not harming her physically, but expelling the malice from her body.
"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" she cried. When the dust cleared, she was back to her normal self, sulking at the bottom of the crater that the magic had caused. "Can you ever forgive me?" she said woefully
"We do need a new fifth group member" pointed out Fluttershy
"Do you like baking apple treats?" quizzed Pinkie Pie.
"No" said Sunset
"Then you'll fit right in!"
"We'll help you atone for your misdeeds" said Rarity.
"And you three can start by fixing the wall" said Principal Celestia
"Point of interest" interjected Snips, "Sunset Shimmer was the one who broke the wall. The two of us were just flying around looking intimidating."
"Hmm, that is true. Ok, you two are excused."
"What the hell, guys?" said Sunset
"We feel emotionally neglected." said Snips, "we took a vote on kicking you out of the gang, and the results were two yay's and one abstain."
"We're going to take our chances with Trixie" explained Snails. He nodded to Trixe, who was dripping hot candle wax on her leg and making an aheago face.
"Hey chin up, Sunset, I've decided to get back together with you" said Flash Sentry.
"R-really, you mean it?" she asked, wiping her eyes.
"Of course I do. Your looks were the primary reason I was dating you, and now you're not a bitch anymore, that's a win-win in my book."
"And it doesn't bother you that I'm actually a pony?"
"You have human parts where it really counts," he said suavely, "by which I mean your bre-"
"ENOUGH!" said Cassandra. "Twilight we're leaving." She grabbed Twilight by the hand, and the two humans and one dog stepped back through the portal.
They emerged back on the other side, and Cassandra said, "the day is won." The ponies cheered. Twilight accidentally bumped into the pony version of Flash Sentry.
"We've got to stop bumping into each other like this." he quipped
"Yes. Yes you do." said Cassandra. She demoted him to janitor as punishment for being overly familiar with a princess.
The end.
Author's Note
Sunset was inspired by Black Adder, specifically Season 1.
The Cassandra Chronicles, Some Extras
Cassandra Appreciation Day
Nestled between the holidays of Nightmare Night and Hearth's Warming Eve is one where ponies come together like families. They feast on the foods of autumn's bounty and discuss what they're most thankful for. Now, since all ponies, no matter who they are or where they come from, all are thankful for the same thing, this holiday came to be known as Cassandra Appreciation Day.
As usual, Cassandra hosted her town's Cassandra Appreciation day and did most of the organizing. However, that's not to say that everypony didn't have a vital role to play. Pinkie Pie was in charge of the desserts, Rarity was in charge of the decorations, Rainbow Dash set the mood by making autumn weather, Fluttershy taught the turkeys a musical number, and Twilight prepared a speech on the history of Cassandra Appreciation Day. Applejack offered to help with the cooking, but since they didn't need any dishes involving apples, she was completely outside her wheelhouse.
"It's ok Applejack" said Cassandra comfortingly, "if you can go the whole night without breaking or burning anything, that will be contribution enough."
"You got it pardner" said Applejack. She did a mock salute, accidentally bumping the hutch. An expensive crystal wineglass fell off and shattered on the floor.
"Your buffoonery never ceases to amaze me, you flat-footed agrarian simpleton." Applejack flinched at Cassandra's bluntness, but she had to admit it was a pretty accurate description. "It's a good thing I know magic despite being a pegasus." She cast a fixing spell, and with a pop, the glass was repaired and back in its proper place.
"Can ah invite Braeburn over?"
"No, you cannot."
"Aw shucks, why?"
"Because I don't need a literal interpretation of the phrase 'Kissing Cousins.' Now go away and don't touch anything else. In fact, don't even touch my floors." She made a magic bubble around Applejack and levitated her out the door. Cassandra couldn't help but wonder if the other members of the Mane 7 were doing all right with their jobs. "No." she told herself, "I am the seventh Element of Harmony, Trust, which means that while my friends may have inferior brainpower and skill, I must trust that they can still do an adequate job."
****
A little later, Cassandra was sharpening her katana, one of dozens of weapons she was a black belt in, when a letter appeared in front of her. It had the distinctive green flare of a messenger dragon's fire. She unrolled the scroll inquisitively.
Dear Cassandra, This is Twilight Sparkle. I need a Princess's help with something, but I was too embarrassed to ask Luna or Celestia. I figured that as the long-lost sister to the princess you were the next best thing. Please come over at your earliest convenience. Though we may technically be classmates - Princess Celestia's second and first-best students to be exact - you're like a teacher to me.
-Your student kōhai, Twilight Sparkle.
Cassandra galloped over to the treehouse at mach speeds, and knocked on the door. Spike answered,
"Oh hi Cassandra, you here to see Twilight?"
"You know it kiddo. Can you get her for me?" Spike just stood in place. "Spike?"
"Oh, huh? What?" Spike shook himself back to his sense, "uh.. yeah come in, I'll get her." As he walked away, he slapped himself in the face, muttering, "get it together Spike! You love Rarity !" Moments later, Twilight emerged from the study
"Konichiwa, Twilight-sama," said Cassandra, "what is the problem?"
"I'm trying to translate this ancient tablet, but it's written in a language I don't understand. Could you have a look?"
"Certainly. I know many languages, both present and ancient. It makes me very culturally refined." Twilight was too awestruck for words, so she continued, "This tablet dates back to before Equestria was founded, and tells of a great cataclysm that will happen in the future... oh my Celestia."
"What?"
"It's happening today. "
"But what is it?"
"An army of mega-changelings. They're like the ones you fought at the Royal Wedding, only a billion times more deadly. Don't worry though, I've got this. You finish your thing."
*****
Right as Cassandra left the library, she was accosted by the bouncy, gleeful Pinkie Pie.
"Hiya Cassandra! I'm so so so happy to see you! Like, not the normal happy that I express to everypony, but super de duper happy that I bumped into you specifically!"
"That's great Pinkie Pie, how are the treats coming?"
"Does this answer your question?" asked Pinkie, shoving a cupcake into Cassandra's mouth, "how is it? How is it?"
"You want the whole truth?" asked Cassandra, daintily wiping off her face with a fancy handkerchief.
"Gimme your best shot!"
"Ok. These are just my first impressions from briefly tasting one, so take them for what they're worth... on your next batch, reduce the baking soda from one tsp to one-half, use pure vanilla instead of vanilla extract, substitute 35% dark cocoa, up the sugar salt ratio, add some lemon zest for kick, and open a fresh can of dairy creamer for maximum sweetness."
"Wow Cassandra! You're such a smart smartypants baker lady! I'm gonna write you a song!" She hopped off, singing "Cassandra is a ge-nius whoppe whoopee!"
"Well" said Cassandra, "that was a rather interesting distrac- OOF!" she exclaimed as an object flying like a bullet from the sky knocked her off her feet. She found herself on her back, looking up at Rainbow Dash, who was straddled on top of her.
"Heh, hey Cassandra" said Rainbow Dash sheepishly, "you know how it is with rough landings."
"Rainbow you scamp, it wasn't completely by accident that we ended up in this position, was it?" asked Cassandra with a knowing grin.
"If you really wanna know you'll have to force it out of me, and I'm a tough nut to crack!"
"Please Dashie, you're like putty in my hooves." said Cassandra, running her hooves through Rainbow's colorful mane, "you see..." she began caressing Rainbow Dash's full-masted wings "...brute force isn't the only way to get what you want. You'd be surprised at what you can do with the softly-softly approach." she inched her way up to the wingtips in a teasingly slow manner, "After all, it doesn't matter how tough you are if I know your weak point. Now I need you to get off..."
"Just did"
"...of me so that I can finish the holiday preparations."
"Room for one more down there?" The duo looked up to see Rarity standing next to them.
"Sorry Rares, we were just finishing up" said Cassandra, the only pony on the planet who was allowed to call Rarity by that nickname.
"You're such a tease. But on the plus side, it means we can get to my thing sooner. I'm having trouble with my dresses, and I need help from a close friend who is also a sewing expert."
"You came to the right pony."
"So did I" said Rainbow Dash from the ground.
Rarity and Cassandra hurried off to the Carousel Boutique.
"Cassandra!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle as she greeted them at the door, "did you bring me a game on pre-release?"
"Sure did, Sweetie, here's Thief 4. You go practice your singing now."
"You're so cool!" squeaked Sweetie Belle, "like the big sister I never had." She rushed off to go brag to her friends.
"Now then, let me have a look at your dresses." Cassandra attacked the dresses like a tornado of craftsmanship and couture, fixing the dresses blazingly fast. When the dust cleared, Rarity's piles of rags had been replaced by exquisite full-length dresses that even a princess would be intimidated to wear.
"Cassandra, they're beautiful! How can I ever thank you?"
"How about you give me two sessions of practice kissing?"
"Done deal!"
"Now I have another errand to run, have you got everything under control?"
"Everything except my thunderously-beating heart for you."
"Good to hear. See you around." Rarity was sad that Cassandra was leaving, but it was a nice view.
*****
After helping Rarity fix her dresses, Cassandra headed off to Fluttershy's cottage. She tapped on the door, and Angel answered. He smiled, Cassandra was one of the few ponies besides Fluttershy that had earned his respect.
"Oh, hello Cassandra." said Fluttershy, "what can I do for you?"
"No no Fluttershy, what can I do for you ? I had a feeling that you were having a problem but were too shy to come and ask for help."
"Wow" said Fluttershy, blown away by her friend's perceptiveness, "I was! I can't get the turkeys to take directions."
"I'll have a word with them." She leaned down to the turkeys and looked them square in the eyes with her intimidating stare, "now listen, Fluttershy has been very kind to you, and all she wants in return is one little favor. If that's too much to ask then she'll gladly ship you off to the Equestria Girls world, and I'm sure the Equestria Girls world will be glad to have you. You know what they eat on their holiday equivalent of this?" she lowered her voice to a whisper, "roasted, well-seasoned, plump-breasted turkeys." The turkeys' eyes went wide with fear. In an instant they lined up in front of Fluttershy, standing at attention like well-trained soldiers.
"Cassandra, you did it!" exclaimed Fluttershy, "but how? What did you say to them?"
"Oh you know, just the boilerplate magic of friendship stuff."
"Thank you so much Cassandra you're so selfless!"
"Fluttershy please, doing a favor for somepony as cute as yourself is reward enough." Fluttershy blushed beet red. "Now I'm sorry to take off so suddenly, but I have to save Equestria from certain destruction."
"Oh my!"
"I know right? It's such an inconvenience."
*****
At the edge of town stood an army of mega changelings, horrible abominations of the bug and pony kind. They glared at Caandra with glowing blue eyes, and flared their tattered insectoid wings. They stood in formation that would rival the unsullied, and prepared to strike. Child's play was Queen Chrysalis' army compared to these elite warriors, for they fed not on love, but on fear. Today however they would starve, for they would draw no such emotion from Cassandra. With a poof, the first row turned into Cassandra. They grinned evilly, but their grins were silenced when they burst into flames and burned to ashes in seconds.
"Hubris, it is!" said Cassandra in a loud booming voice, "To imitate my form! You lowlifes are not worthy! Now, are any more of you foolish enough to smite yourselves trying, or will you die with honor at my hooves?" The mega changelings roared and charged at her. Cassandra assumed fighting stance and spin-kicked the few scouts that were unfortunate enough to get into her range first. She cast landmine spells, dotting their phalanx with deadly traps that exploded as the army advanced, fracturing their careful formations. They took to the air, hoping for an advantage, but Cassandra leapt onto one changeling's back and covered his eyes, causing him to fly wildly into his own platoon's formation. Cassandra hopped from changeling to changeling, beheading each with her katana while firing ninja stars at neighboring ones. With each move, the Changelings began to surround her, first on all sides, then on top. Two burly changelings grabbed her by the hooves and tied up her wings. The remaining thousands of changelings looked at her hungrily, but she refused to break a sweat.
"Nowhere to run, cutie" said the leader changeling mockingly, stroking her under her chin, "Equestria is ours, and challenging me will be your last mistake."
"And underestimating me will be yours." Cassandra slipped her hooves out of the changelings' grasp and fell towards the ground. The changelings laughed at the evident surrender and suicide of their foe, but Cassandra yelled out, "Jupiter! I command you to vanquish my foes!" A bolt of lightning ripped through the sky, slicing through the leader and Cassandra's two captors, then arcing between each changeling in the closely-knit formation. Each one twitched wildly as tens of thousands of volts coursed through them, ceasing all vital functions in an instant. They joined Cassandra in the earthward plummet. Cassandra whipped open her butterfly knife in her mouth, and slashed the ropes that bound her wings, allowing her to fly freely and pull back up to safety. She watched from the sky as the changeling army collided with the ground, each one becoming a gruesome red and green splatter mark upon impact. Cassandra summoned up a rainstorm, which washed away the mess, along with any chance for the mega changelings to threaten Equestria again.
From far away there was an oven DING noise.
"Oh, my spinach puffs are ready." said Cassandra.
*****
Night had fallen, and the guests had begun to arrive at Cassandra's house. In addition to the Mane 6, Zecora, the mayor, the princesses, and most of the background ponies in Ponyville were seated around her dinner table. Celestia tapped against her glass to get their attention,
"Attention everypony. Before we get to the feast, let us partake in the grand tradition of Cassandra Appreciation Day by going round the table and saying what we appreciate most about Cassandra. I shall start. Cassandra, when I need to consult somepony on the orientation of the sun, or any task too great for me to handle, I can always depend on you."
"We shall go next." said Luna, "Cassandra, we art thankful for thine help acclimating us to the new world, especially in regards to helping us modulate our voice. Celestia and I art honoured to be invited by Cassandra herself to her Cassandra Appreciation Day celebration."
"As you should be." said Cassandra. Rarity took the floor next,
"Cassandra, you taught us that it's not ok to discriminate against bisexuals. I think it was very brave of you to out yourself as bisexual, knowing that we used to be so closed-minded."
"Whenever I feel sad or lonely I just think of Cassandra, and I get all happy again!" said Pinkie Pie.
"I cannot convey with just with emotions, how grateful I am when she helps me with potions" said Zecora.
"Cassandra taught me how to do the stare." said Fluttershy, but nopony heard her
"She reminds me that there's always more knowledge to learn" said Twilight
"Cassandra is just so... awesome" said Rainbow Dash, who was never that good with words.
"Mmmphphlgrmpmhph" said Applejack, because she was trying to talk with her mouth full.
"That's it, Applejack, I've had it with you!" exclaimed Cassandra, "you can go eat outside with the rest of the pigs."
"But it's below-freezin' out there!"
"I said go!" she pointed at the door. Applejack hung her head and exited. The other guests agreed that it was for the best.
The festivities continued long into the night, as the ponies dined on Cassandra's exquisite cooking. They laughed, loved, and gave thanks to how lucky they were to be in Cassandra's presence.
Author's Note
Happy Cassandra Appreciation Day, everypony!
