Mr Pun sat alone within the comfy confines of his warm living room. The blue and green stallion was currently partaking in an intense battle that required all of his wits and concentration. An epic staredown with a cheese sandwich.
Mr pun was not entirely sane.
Carefully, he wiped his forehead, sweat pouring from his weary brow. No matter how hard he stared the sandwich sat still and kept his gaze. He could stand it’s discerning gaze no longer. He hastily snatched the poor, humiliated food item and took a large walloping bite out of it.
Suddenly, everything went dark blue, and a poof before the petrified looney luncher revealed a huge hulking mass of a pony, bald on top with a noble stubble. He stood angrily in front of Mr pun with his hooves menacing clopping together. Indeed, the creature that stood before him would’ve been very intimidating... had he not been wearing a pink fairy costume, complete with silvery wings. He spoke with a deep Russian accent;
“You have broken rules of sandvich staredown tournament. Now you must go through entire human digestion system with me.” He ordered, strangely excited.
Mr Pun shrugged. He’d seen weirder.
“FAIRY-nough.” Said the cocky comic. The bald man simply clicked his fingers and POOF! They were transported in front of a diagram of the human digestive system.
Luckily, Mr pun knew quite a lot about the digestive system. Why? Well, it’s a long story involving complex, 3-dimensional characters, intricate plot lines, memorable setting and action sequences that James Bond would take off his sunglasses and say; “Woah.” to. But that’s another story. Back to the fat fairy pony!
He waddled excitedly away from the diagram and sat expectantly before Mr Pun.
“Proceed.” He said, energetically nodding. Mr Pun calmly turned to the diagram.
“It’s starts when you eat something. Your teeth physically break down the food by cutting and crushing it, and your saliva breaks the food down chemically.”
“What makes saliva?” Said the magical wide-eyed fairy.
“Your salivary glands. I’m very GLAD-nd I have mine!!!” teased the cuckoo joke-cracker.
“Joke is dumb. You are dumber. Back to system!” Ordered the Fairy guy. Mr Pun deeply sighed.
“It then goes through the Pharynx to the Oesophagus where it is pushed down by muscles. It eventually reaches your stomach, which is a hollow organ which contains Hydrocholoric acid that kills any bacteria left on your food.”
“Hollow organ like Mr Pun man’s Brain!” Mr Pun rolled his eyes at the Fairy pony’s joke, while the maker roared his head off, apparently that entertained by himself.
“Who are you, anyway?” Mr Pun asked, suddenly. The flobby fairy pony wiped a tear from his eyes.
“I am Sandviccio. God of all that is Sandvich.” He said as if presenting himself to a crowd.
“You’re a god?! I find that hard to... STOMACH!!!” Joked the knowledgeable nutcase. “Anyway, the stomach also contains a thick layer of Mucas so that the acid doesn’t digest the muscular tissue. The acid is also the right PH for the enzyme Protease to work.”
“Protease? Sounds like baby name for baby man.” Interrupted the god of sliced bread with objects inbetween.
“Well, there are actually 3 enzymes involved in the breakdown of food; Protease, which breaks Protein down into Amino acids; Lipase, which breaks down fats into fatty acids and glycerol, and Amylase which breaks down Starch into glucose. Amylase is in your saliva.” Sanviccio spat on the ground.
“Look! Amylase!” Celebrated the fairy god.
“Yes, well we can all do that. It’s very LIP-EASY!!!” Said Mr pun in an obnoxiously fake voice.
“Da, Da. Now back to work.” Said the sandwich god, the joke completely flying past his head.
“Next, the food then travels to the small intestine where all three enzymes are added, having being produced by something called the Pancreas! Blie is also added, after being produced in the liver and stored in the gall bladder. Bile immulsifies, or physically breaks down fat. It also neutralises the acid from the stomach.”
“Insides are disgusting Sandviccio.” The fairy man gloomed.
“Yes. It absolutely BILE!!!!” Mr Pun joked.
“What’s the matter with you?!” The tough god said, his muscles bulging out of his little girl’s fancy dress outfit.
“If the name MR PUN wasn’t a warning to you then you’re beyond my help.” Replied the serial sandwich snacker.
“Ohhh, this is bad...” Groaned the god, finding he was completely at the mercy of a mortal.
“Now, if you don’t mind... the food is worked on by the enzymes as it travels through the small intestine until it reaches the large intestine, where the Amino acids, glucose, fatty acids and glycerol diffuse through the thin walls of the intestine and into the blood stream, where they are carried off to various different places around the body for various different uses. The waste products left travels through the rectum and then out of the anus as...”
“POO!!!!” Screamed the fat pony.
“err... yes. Poo.”
“Da. This pleases me so.”
“Good to hear, Oh great god of sandwich.” Snivelled Mr Pun, shamelessly sucking up.
“Sandvich.”
“Sandwich.”
“Bah, No difference. Anyway! You have done job well. For this you do not die!” Mr Pun beamed. “For now.” Mr pun gaped. “You have done well, little man. I have leaned many things.” Said Sandviccio, gleaming.
“Such as?”
“Uhhhhh... ” He said, furrowing his brow worrying trying to recall something.
“You... didn’t learn anything did you?” Mr Pun said, disbelivingly.
The god looked left. The god looked right. His vision focused back to his teacher. He pointed his hoof at Mr Pun and went:
“POW!”
And before he knew it, Mr Pun was back home in a comfy living room, as sunlight gently passed through the window, filling the room with it’s glorious godly glow.
...
Mr Pun immediately closed the curtains and sat back on his leather chair. He looked at the table that lay before him. There it was, a bitten into sandwich, challenging him a staring match.
“Game on.” Cheered Mr Pun as he readied his eyes.
