In Which Sunset Shimmer Learns the True Meaning of Hearth's Warming
“Chaos! Chaos!” Discord shouted, banging his gavel (Flim) against his sounding block (Flam). “I hereby call this, the…um…how many meetings of the Evil League of Evil have we had so far?” The rest of the Evil League of Evil, lounging apathetically around Pokey Pierce’s basement, shrugged indifferently. “Eh, whatever. I call this meeting to chaos! Our first chaos of business-“
“Don’t you mean ‘order?’” Blueblood asked.
Discord shuddered. “Don’t ever say that word in my presence again, nephew, or I will turn your mane into string cheese.”
Blueblood gasped in horror. “String cheese?! Anything but that! It’s so tacky and plebian! I’m sorry, Uncle Discord, I won’t do it again,” Blueblood said, chastened.
“You’re not forgiven. Anyway, our first chaos of business is our League’s newest member,” Discord continued. “Since Trixie graduated I MEAN QUIT LIKE A WHINY PUSSY that leaves a gap in our roster so far as a nemesis for Twilight Sparkle goes, a gap which I intend to fill! Allow me to introduce our newest compatriot in our quest to humiliate and defeat each other I MEAN THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY…” An orange Unicorn with a vibrant red and yellow mane and tail and a Cutie Mark resembling a red and yellow Sun confidently stepped forward from a shadowy corner where Discord had told her to wait until called for because it would be more dramatic. “Trixie 2.0!”
The Unicorn stumbled, her big moment ruined. “My name is Sunset Shimmer!” she snapped.
“You’re a Unicorn whose special talent is—presumably—magic, hates Twilight for things that are pretty much entirely your fault, and had Snips and Snails as your henchponies. You’re the new Trixie,” Discord said dismissively.
“I’m nothing like that pathetic showmare! I am Sunset Shimmer, student of Princess Celestia and former Princess of Canterlot High!” the orange Unicorn snarled.
“I thought Twilight Sparkle was Princess Celestia’s student,” Pokey Pierce said.
“And you were Princess of a high school? Really? You’re acting like that’s a big deal?” Gilda asked skeptically.
“I became Prince of my high school once…” Poky said wistfully. “But it was all a ruse so they could dump food dye on me and laugh at me. I shall have my revenge on them all someday…”
“…You really give me the creeps,” Lightning Dust confessed.
“Being Princess of Canterlot High was a big deal, especially because it was a high school in another dimension,” Sunset asserted, confusing everyone else. “And Twilight might be Celestia’s student now…but I had the position student first! Just ask Blueblood, he remembers me!”
Blueblood blinked. “I do?”
“Yes, of course you do! You hit on me constantly! I was with your Aunt almost every time she had to discipline you for being an imbecile!” Sunset Shimmer said.
Blueblood tapped his chin in thought and shrugged. “Doesn’t ring a bell.”
“Well that’s a surprise, brother of mine,” Flim joked.
“Ol’ Princey’s so dumb he probably can’t even remember what he’s wearing right now!” Flam agreed.
“Of course I remember!” Blueblood said arrogantly.
“Okay, then tell us without looking down,” Lightning Dust said.
Blueblood paused. He started sweating. “I’m…uh…wearing…a…white…er…suit and a…thing…around my neck?”
“Ha, not even close,” Gilda snickered.
“It’s not?” Blueblood looked down. Much to his horror, he was wearing a pink tutu and platform shoes. “HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!”
“I have no idea,” Discord lied. “Anyway, Sunset Shimmer is basically like Trixie but better in every way. Well, except she lost to Twilight Sparkle too. But she gave her a harder time.”
“I certainly did!” Sunset Shimmer agreed.
“On the other hand, your evil plan was much stupider than Trixie’s,” Discord said, causing the Unicorn to stammer incredulously.
“What was her evil plan?” Lightning Dust asked.
“Well, after Celestia dismissed her as a student for being a greedy selfish power-hungry bitch with aspirations of Alicornhood-“ Discord started.
“It was all her fault! She refused to recognize that I was worthy of ruling all of Equestria!” Sunset cried.
“Yes, because someone who obsesses over a magic mirror and breaks into the Restricted Wing to read all about dark magic is so worthy of ruling the kingdom and becoming an immortal all-powerful Alicorn,” Discord said, rolling his eyes. “Anyway, Sunset fled through a magic mirror to another dimension occupied by hideous bipedal creatures called ‘humans’ where she promptly used her considerable intellect and talents to become a stereotypical alpha bitch at the local high school.”
“…Seriously? That’s the best you could do?” Gilda asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Pathetic,” Poky sneered.
“High school…ugh…I hated that place,” Lightning Dust said in disgust.
“I thought humans were just a myth,” said a surprised Flam.
“If only they were, Flam. If only they were,” Discord said.
“I-I was practicing for when I returned to take over Equestria!” Sunset stammered, blushing. “And I managed to destroy the friendships of the only girls there who I felt would be a threat to my plans!”
“Yes, by sending a few text messages which they were too stupid to follow up on for many years. Well done, Sunset, well done,” Discord said, clapping sarcastically. “Anyway, she eventually came back to Equestria when the portal between worlds reopened and stole Twilight’s crown with the intent of using it to apparently transform into a powerful demon and mind-control all the teenagers in the school so she could march them through the portal to Equestria to take it over and I am seriously not making this up.”
“…THAT was your plan? Really? Really?!” said an incredulous Gilda.
“That is possibly the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. And I heard Blueblood’s plan was to throw a pie into Rarity’s face,” Lightning Dust said flatly.
“Hey!” Blueblood protested.
“Don’t feel too bad, she’s saying your plan was better than Sunset Shimmer’s,” Flim said.
“Oh,” Blueblood said, cheering up.
“It was still a stupid plan though,” Flam said.
“Oh,” Blueblood said, disappointed.
“It was a brilliant plan! It would have worked perfectly if that stupid crown hadn’t rejected me and gone back to the clearly unworthy Twilight and allowed her and the new friends she had made there to transform into really freaky-looking human/pony hybrids with disturbingly long hair and blast me with a magical rainbow friendship cannon and I’m not making this up either!” Sunset Shimmer said angrily.
“…Okay, did any of this really happen? It’s sounding more and more like one of those stupid movies Ace keeps dragging me to on date night,” said a confused Pokey.
“It happened, all right,” Discord said resignedly. “No matter how much some of us might have wished it hadn’t.”
“Wait…so…your plan was to mind-control all the teenagers in your high school and march them through the portal to Equestria,” Lightning Dust said in confusion.
“Precisely,” Sunset Shimmer said.
Blueblood scratched his head. “…Was it a large portal, then?”
Sunset Shimmer paused. “Ah, well…no…it was the base of a statue… and the other end was a mirror…”
“And are these ‘human’ teenagers powerful creatures?” Flim asked.
Sunset Shimmer fidgeted. “Well, uh…not as such…but, but when they went through the portal they’d have turned into ponies!”
“Would they have known how to use magic in their new forms?” Flam asked.
“…Er…maybe…” Sunset Shimmer said uncertainly.
“And wouldn’t the Princesses and a bunch of guards and whatnot be waiting on the other side of the portal, so they could easily incapacitate every minion you sent through the bottleneck or just destroy it altogether to trap you in that other world-“ Blueblood pointed out.
“Sh-shut up! I wouldn’t expect a simpleton like you to understand the true brilliance of my stratagems!” Sunset shouted.
“My plan for revenge against Rarity was to throw a pie in her face,” Blueblood said. “Lightning Dust was right, that was a much better plan than yours.”
“…Wow. If Blueblood is able to point out how stupid a plan is, it must really be bad,” said an impressed Discord as Sunset turned redder from shame and anger.
“Th-that’s not important!” Sunset protested. “I have a much better plan now for revenge against Twilight for foiling my plans and leaving me in that other world so I could get thrown in prison…that horrible, horrible prison…do you know what humans do to each other in prison? Do you?!”
“No. What?” Pokey asked.
Sunset told them. Nearly everyone recoiled in horror. “That’s horrific!” Blueblood cried.
“What kind of sick monsters are these humans?!” said an outraged Lightning Dust.
“That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard,” Pokey said.
“Eh, sounds like a typical day back home,” Gilda said, unimpressed. Everyone looked at her. “What?”
“Remind me never to go to the griffin lands, brother of mine,” Flim murmured.
“Duly noted,” Flam said with a nod.
“I was just barely able to escape that horrid place and find my way back to Equestria through means which I really don’t feel like going into…and now that I’m here, I shall have my revenge on Twilight Sparkle and become the Princess Equestria deserves, taking back the destiny that should always have been MINE!”
“Uh-huh, sure,” Discord said, not caring. “So, what is this ‘plan’ of yours, anyway? Because I already have a pretty good one in the works already, and if yours is as stupid as the last one…”
“Oh, don’t worry, it’s quite simple, really,” Sunset said. “I’m going to kill her.”
Everyone stared at her. “Kill her,” Discord said slowly.
“Yes,” Sunset said.
“Uh…wow. Okay. There’s a couple of things wrong with that,” Discord said uneasily. “First of all, we aren’t really…well…out to kill the Elements of Harmony. Just, you know, break their spirits, destroy their friendships, make them miserable…but not kill them.”
“I wouldn’t mind killing Pinkie Pie,” Pokey said.
“Neither would I,” Gilda said.
“Yes, well, both of you are psychopaths,” Discord said.
“This is true,” Pokey agreed.
“I want to make Rainbow Dash pay for getting me kicked out of Wonderbolts Academy…but I don’t want to kill her,” Lightning Dust agreed uncomfortably.
“We don’t want to kill the Apple family! Just ruin their reputations and run them out of business,” Flim said.
“Wouldn’t that cause them to starve because their business is food?” Lightning Dust asked.
“Details,” Flam said dismissively.
“I don’t want to kill anyone!” Blueblood said, aghast. “Just make them suffer a little. And besides, what you’re proposing is regicide, which, as a prince, is something I’m strongly against!”
“Not to mention that it’s sort of impossible,” Flim pointed out.
“What with Twilight being an all-powerful immortal Alicorn and all,” Flam agreed.
“Ah, but I’ve already thought of that,” Sunset said, her horn lighting up and causing a strange vaguely L-shaped metal device largely consisting of a hollow tube with a handle that had some kind of trigger in the crux between the two. “I brought this back with me when I returned to Equestria. It’s a weapon called a ‘gun’ and the pinnacle of human innovation. They’re quite good at thinking of ways to kill each other, you see.”
“How barbaric,” said a disgusted Blueblood.
“I dunno…I’m interested,” Gilda said.
“I rest my case,” the prince sniffed haughtily.
“As an Alicorn, Twilight Sparkle is immune to virtually all weapons of this world…but this gun, a weapon from another world, is made of exotic matter not native to this dimension, and has no magic in it whatsoever, since the human world has no magic at all,” Sunset said.
“No magic at all? How is that possible?” asked an astonished Flim, unable to comprehend such an impossibility. It was the sort of thing you saw in sci-fi novels and post-apocalyptic stories. But a world without magic, existing for real? That made no sense! How could such a world live?
“Because their world is a sad, pathetic place,” Sunset said scornfully. “On the other hand, it’s allowed them to make leaps in technology and science that Equestria has only just begun to take tentative steps towards. Granted, that technology and science is often used to kill each other, but I digress. With this weapon, I shall be able to kill Twilight Sparkle! And with her dead, I will take her crown and become the new ruler of Equestria!”
“The laws of succession don’t actually work that way, you know,” Blueblood said. “You can’t become ruler of Equestria just by killing whoever’s currently in charge…though many have tried…”
“They do where I come from,” Gilda said.
“We don’t care,” Lightning Dust said.
“Once I kill Twilight and take her crown, I will become so powerful nopony will be able to stop me!” Sunset declared.
“What about Princess Celestia?” Flim said.
“Or Princess Luna?” said Flam.
“Or Pinkie Pie?” Pokey said.
“Or me?” Discord asked, crossing his arms. “It was a mistake to bring you here, Sunset. Not only is this plan of yours not going to work, it’s insane. You’re a danger to yourself and everyone around you. I’m sending you back to the human world.”
“N-no! You can’t! You can’t make me!” Sunset cried, eyes wide in horror.
“Actually, I can,” Discord said, starting to snap his fingers.
Before he could, with a cry of rage and terror, Sunset’s magical grip tightened around the trigger of her gun as she brought it to bear on the god of chaos. She pulled the trigger. There was a flash and a sharp retort that caused everyone to jump. Discord was flung backwards, crying in agony as he clasped his claws to his chest, a crimson liquid oozing out. “Aaaaaauuuugh! What…what have you done?!”
“I…I killed you,” Sunset Shimmer said, shocked. Slowly, a sinister smile crept across her face. “I…killed you. I killed you! I killed Discord, god of chaos! And if I can kill you…then I can certainly kill Twilight, and Celestia, and Luna, and anyone else that gets in my way! Ha…aha…ahahahahahaha!”
Discord writhed in pain, more and more red fluid gushing from beneath his claws. “Aaaaaaiiiiiiiiieeeee! The pain! Oh, the pain, as the cold iron worms through my squeedlyspootch, which is the closest thing I have to a heart this hour! I have never felt anything like this before in all my years…is this…is this what it is to die? Oh, how I pity you mortals, to have to go through such a horrid experience! And to think that I, Discord the Awesome, shall now suffer the same fate as all you wretched creatures? Oh, it is to laugh! Hahahahahaha-ow, that hurts!” Weeping, he collapsed to the ground, his writhing turning into shakes. “All my wicked plots, ruined! All my sinister schemes, destroyed! Curse you, Sunset Shimmer, for you have slain me! I put a curse upon you, and all ponykind! May you never find your keys, may all your socks constantly mismatch, and whenever you drink chocolate milk, may it taste like orange juice instead! Oh woe, woe is me, for after all my eons of wickedness and months of not-so-wickedness, to think that it would all end like this, killed by a weapon from another world wielded by a lunatic in the basement of a nutjob!”
“Hey! Ace is not a nutjob!” Pokey said, offended, while everyone else looked on in horror.
Discord shook, and spun, and collapsed to the floor. He struggled to rise and fell. He struggled to rise and fell. He struggled to fall and surged to his feet, did a tap dance, then collapsed once more. He shivered and shook and shrank and withered. “All my precious chaos!” he sobbed, and then lay still.
Everyone stared at the deceased god in shock. “Discord’s…dead?” Lightning Dust whispered.
“No…no way…he…he’s gotta be faking it…any second now he’ll get up and we’ll all have a laugh…right?” Blueblood asked nervously.
They all waited for a moment. Discord did not move or get up or laugh. Finally, a stunned Flim said, “I think he’s-“
Suddenly, Discord heaved and gasped, his eyes shooting open. “Why is it so dark? Mommy? Daddy? Grandma and Grandpa? Is that you? Oh, how I’ve missed you so!” he called, feebly clutching at the air. “I can hear your voices! It’s been so long, I’d nearly forgotten! Can you hear me too? I’m coming! I’m coming home!”
Then he laid still. They waited for a moment. Nothing happened. “Okay, he’s probably-“ Flim started.
Discord abruptly jumped to his feet and started writhing and shrieking. “I’m melting! I’m meeeeeeelting! Oh, wait, never mind, false alarm.”
He fell back to the ground and laid still. They waited for a moment. Nothing happened. “I think this time-“ Flim said.
Discord’s eyes fluttered open again, and he rasped, “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the elbow of Orion. I watched Z-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhoofer Gate. All those moments will be lost in time, like chocolate rain down Pinkie Pie’s gullet. Time to un-alive. Barf.”
He laid still. They waited for a moment. Nothing happened. “Okay, this time for sure-“ Flim started.
Much to nobody's surprise, he suddenly rose up, looming over them, seeming taller and larger than Pokey’s basement, no, than any building in Ponyville, no, even than the mountain Canterlot was perched on. He opened his mouth, and in a deep booming voice, said, “Rosebud.”
Then he fell on his back again. A bush of Poison Joke sprouted from his chest. His tongue lolled out from his mouth and drool oozed out onto the carpet. Black Xs appeared over his eyes. A bucket appeared next to his goat leg, and he kicked it, and lay still.
The League stared at Discord, now more confused than horrified, which was probably how Discord would have wanted it. “…Okay, now I think-“ Flim started.
Suddenly, Discord’s body glowed, and a translucent form arose from his carcass, clad in a robe of glittering samite, a harp in his claws and a halo over his head. He smiled sadly and beatifically as he ascended, plucking one string after another on his harp in a terribly bad melody, before passing through the ceiling and disappearing. There was a scream and a thud from upstairs, presumably Ace freaking out at seeing the ghost of Discord rise through the floor.
They stared at Discord’s inanimate form for a long time. “Well, that was dramatic,” Pokey said finally.
“Shouldn’t he have gone…you know…down?” asked a confused Blueblood, staring at the ceiling.
“So…is he dead now?” Flam asked uncertainly.
“I think-“ Flim started when suddenly Discord’s ghost shot back down through the ceiling and into his body, causing the Unicorn to throw up his hooves in exasperation.
“Hey guys, sorry about that, they kicked me out so I thought I’d come back here and-“ Discord started as his body abruptly sat back up.
“OH FOR THE LOVE OF-“ Sunset Shimmer screamed, raising her gun and emptying her clip into Discord’s face. The chaos god fell back to the ground, blood gushing from his face. He didn’t move or undergo any more dramatics this time. They waited for a few minutes, but nothing happened. It looked like he was well and truly dead.
“I think he’s well and truly dead,” Pokey said.
“How…how is that possible?! Discord is an immortal god! The spirit of chaos!” said the horrified Blueblood.
“Not anymore,” said the shocked Lightning Dust.
“No…not anymore…” Sunset said evilly. “And he’s not the last immortal who will die this day!” Cackling malevolently, she teleported away.
“Well, that was surprising. So, anyone care if I eat him?” Gilda asked. Everyone stared at her in horror. “What? Carnivore. And besides, I want to know what he tastes like. All those animal parts mixed together…and maybe I’ll get immortality or something. He’s a god, after all.”
“A god who just died,” Flim pointed out, ashen.
“He lived this long, didn’t he?” Gilda pointed out, walking over to the deity’s corpse, preparing to feed.
“What if it’s poisoned?” Lightning Dust pointed out. “I mean, he’s a chaos god. Can’t imagine anything he’s made of is healthy.”
“Anything might happen if you eat it,” Blueblood agreed. “You could transform into a horrible monster, or turn inside-out, or switch genders or species.”
“Try it,” Pokey said, curious to see what would happen.
“Okay,” Gilda said, bending down to take a bite…
When suddenly, there was a flushing noise and the bathroom door swung open, revealing Discord, a newspaper held under one arm. “I would strongly recommend none of you go in there for a while. It would be hazardous to your health. And sanity,” the chaos god said as he closed the door behind him.
“Uncle Discord! You’re alive!” Blueblood squealed in delight, glomping Discord’s goat leg.
Discord blinked. “Uh…yes, yes I am, nephew, thank you for noticing.”
“But…but how?! Sunset Shimmer shot you!” said an incredulous Flim.
“We saw you die! Twice!” Flam agreed.
Discord laughed and patted them condescendingly on the heads. “Poor silly Flim Flams. You didn’t really think something like
that would hurt moi, did you? I only played along with it because I thought it would be funny.”
“But…then…the body…” Gilda said, looking back and forth between Discord and the corpse lying on the ground in confusion. Discord leaned forward and poked the body with a talon. There was a popping noise and it deflated in a pile of rubber, air leaking from the hole that had just been made. “Oh.”
“You made us think you were really dead! How could you do such a thing?!” Blueblood cried, aghast.
“…Have you forgotten who I am? Really? Pranks like this are second nature to me,” Discord said, raising an eyebrow.
“He speaks the truth,” Pokey said.
“Wait…if you didn’t die…then the bullets had no effect on you…which means…” Lightning Dust said slowly.
“That they won’t work on Princess Twilight Sparkle either? That’s right!” Discord said.
“Oh dear. Should we tell Sunset Shimmer?” Flim asked worriedly.
“And ruin all the fun? No, some things a person has to learn for themselves…though the price of that knowledge is sometimes too high…” Discord said sadly. However…there might be something I can do…or rather, someone…
…
The cloaked Unicorn, armored Pegasus, and tunic-clad Earth Pony looked up in horror at the ghastly equine spirits howling and swirling over their heads. “W-w-what is that…thing?!” the Pegasus cried.
“They must be…windigos!” the Unicorn declared.
“Windigos?” the Pegasus and Earth Pony echoed.
The Unicorn nodded. “My mentor Star Swirl the Bearded taught me about them. They're winter spirits that feed off fighting and hatred. The more hate the spirit feels, the colder things become!”
The Earth Pony’s eyes widened in horror. “Then... this is our fault. We three tribes... we brought this blizzard to our home by fightin' and not trustin' each other. Now it's destroyin' this land, too.”
The Unicorn shook her head miserably. “And now our bodies will become as cold as our hearts... all because we were foolish enough to hate.”
The Pegasus shifted and pawed the ground bashfully. “Well, I don't hate you... I actually hate Commander Hurricane a lot more than I hate you guys.” The Unicorn and Earth Pony giggled, and one of the Windigos snorted, causing the Pegasus to yelp and amend her statement. “Actually, I don't really hate her, I just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really dislike her.”
The Earth Pony and Unicorn laughed. “Well, I don't hate you guys either,” the Earth Pony confessed.
“Nor do I,” the Unicorn admitted. She blushed. “In fact…um…the truth is…”
“What is it?” the Pegasus asked.
“I…I’ve secretly been in love with the two of you since the first time we saw each other!” the Unicorn blurted, turning red.
The Pegasus gasped. “I-I thought I was the only one!”
“Me too!” said the surprised Earth Pony.
The Unicorn’s eyes widened in delight. “You…you do?! Then…if…if we’re going to die here…then let’s go out with a bang!” She lunged at the Earth Pony, screaming, “KISS ME, YOU FILTHY MUD PONY!” And then she had her pinned to the ground and was making out with her. Then the Pegasus shoved her off the Earth Pony and made out with her, then the Earth Pony. Then they all started kissing each other, and fondled, and ripped their costumes off, while overhead the windigos stopped their circling, and stared…and leaned in closer, a lustful look on their faces.
In her seat in the royal box, Princess Twilight Sparkle stared blankly at the rather…public display taking place on the stage below, as did the hundreds of other people filling the theater. Princess Luna was sitting on one side of her stuffing popcorn noisily into her mouth, while Rainbow Dash, her plus one, sat on her other side eagerly taking notes and not even bothering to hide her incredibly stiff wings, something which Twilight was desperately trying and failing to keep under control with her own wings. “I…uh…don’t remember this happening in any other version of the Hearth’s Warming Miracle I’ve ever seen before…”
“That’s because it’s been watered down for modern audiences,” Princess Celestia explained, an amused look on her face. “This is a lot closer to what actually happened all those centuries ago, not the bowdlerized version we tell our children these days.”
“THOU ART DOING IT ALL WRONG!” Luna shouted, throwing popcorn at the writhing trio on the stage. “PUT MORE EFFORT INTO IT! THERE ART FAR MORE CREATIVE USES FOR A WING OR HORN THAN THAT, AND FAR MORE PLACES TO PUT THEM TO STIMULATE PLEASURE! WHAT ART THOU, A BUNCH OF RANK AMATEURS? ONE MIGHT THINK YOU’VE NEVER DONE IT BEFORE!”
“Princess Luna, you really shouldn’t be heckling the actors,” Twilight hissed.
“I AM A PRINCESS! I MAY DO WHATEVER I PLEASE!” Luna replied, stuffing more popcorn into her mouth.
“You’re annoying the audience!” Twilight protested.
Luna shrugged indifferently. “AND WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?”
“She has a point, Twi,” Rainbow said, glancing up from her notes to get a better view of the action on stage.
“Not. Helping,” Twilight snarled.
“Am I really old enough to be watching this?” Spike asked weakly. “I seem to remember there being some kind of age restriction for this show…”
“Nonsense! You’re more than mature for this!” Twilight assured him. “And besides, you said you wanted to spend more time with me, didn’t you?”
“…Not like this,” the baby dragon grumbled.
On stage, thanks to being distracted by the…sexy fun times, the cold temperatures caused by the windigos began to abate, and the ice encasing Princess Platinum, Chancellor Puddinghead, and Commander Hurricane melted. “Uhhhh…what…what happened?” the armored Hurricane groaned.
“Whatever it is, I bet it’s your fault,” the beautiful Platinum said with a wince, looking in dismay at her damp coat and ruined furs.
“Hey look, our subordinates are having sex with each other! Neat!” the bizarrely-clad Puddinghead pointed out.
Platinum gasped in horror. “What?! How dare Clover the Clever have an orgy with our sworn enemies…without inviting me? I thought we were closer than that!”
“Hoho, way to go, Pansy!” Hurricane chortled. “Wish she’d waited for me, though, she knows I love this sort of thing!”
Smart Cookie looked up from Clover’s…clover and gasped upon seeing her leader had been revived. “Chancellor!” Seeing the windigos start to turn, she quickly lowered her muzzle back down to…keep the evil spirits focused on them.
“Commander…the windigos…kill them while we’re keeping them distracted!” Pansy moaned, shuddering in delight from the stimulation Clover was causing her with her horn.
“The what now?” Hurricane asked.
“Oh look, it’s the ghosts of Hearth’s Warming Past, Present, and Future!” Puddinghead declared upon seeing the windigos. “No, wait, that holiday doesn’t exist yet. Not for another few minutes, anyway.”
“Ack! What horrid creatures!” Platinum cried in horror. “Are they what’s responsible for the horrible winter that plagued our kingdom?”
“If they are, then there’s only one thing for me to say: all enemies of the Pegasi tribe must die! For Pegasopolis!” Hurricane declared.
“For Unicornia!” Platinum cried.
“For an awesome holiday!” Puddinghead shouted.
The three leaders pounced on the startled windigos. Platinum immolated one with powerful fire magic, Hurricane ripped one to shreds with her superior combat skills, and Puddinghead…ripped one’s spine out with her teeth and strangled it to death with it…even though it was a spirit and didn’t have a spine…
“You’re kidding me! That’s how they took care of the windigos?!” Twilight protested. “What about the Fires of Friendship? Where’s the big pink flaming heart that’s a symbol of the power of friendship and unity between the three tribes?!”
“Oh, there never was one, that was added by later adaptations because they thought the shocking violence with which the windigos were brutally slaughtered would offend the delicate sensibilities of the youth,” Celestia said.
“’TWAS A FOOLISH DECISION!” Luna bellowed.
“Not from where I’m sitting,” said a traumatized Spike.
In short order, the windigos were beaten, their remains gratuitously splattered against the walls. “You did it, Princess!” Clover cried, her mane askew, her coat matted with sweat and…other fluids. “You saved us all!”
“Yes, I did, didn’t I?” Platinum preened.
“Hey, we did our fair share too!” Hurricane pointed out.
“I got to strangle a monster with its own spine!” Puddinghead said happily.
“Ah’m not sure that’s something to be proud of,” Smart Cookie warned.
“It is in Pegasi culture,” Pansy said.
“Yeah, it is…I gotta say, you fight pretty well for a worthless dirt pony,” Hurricane said.
“Thanks!” Puddinghead said with no irony whatsoever.
“You too, hornhead,” Hurricane told Platinum.
“Hmph! That’s Princess Hornhead to you,” Platinum sniffed. “…I suppose you weren’t terrible yourself. The way you ruthlessly slaughtered that windigo gave me goosebumps.”
Hurricane grinned lasciviously. “Oh, I don’t think that’s all it gave you, Your Highness.”
As Platinum blushed, Puddinghead shouted, “Oh boy! Are we going to have an orgy, too?”
Platinum turned redder. “I-I…well…I suppose I would not be too adverse to it…I’ve always thought the two of you were rather attractive specimens, even if you are from inferior races.”
“You aren’t too bad-looking yourself, Princess,” Hurricane said, licking her lips. “Well, it’s a traditional way to celebrate victory in Pegasi culture…so sure, why not? And besides, it’ll help us bond now that we’re comrades in arms, and give us a way to keep warm until the rest of this ice thaws out.”
“Um, we could use a fire spell-“ Clover started.
“DON’T YOU DARE RUIN THIS FOR ME!” Platinum screamed in her subordinate’s face, causing her to yelp. “Now come along, Clover dear, we have much…work to do. And you must be properly punished for sleeping with those peasants…without me.”
Clover shivered in delight and followed her mistress like a lovestruck puppy. “Y-Yes, Your Majesty!”
“Um…C-Commander, can I…” Pansy asked meekly.
“Eh, sure, why not,” Hurricane said. “You’ve earned it.”
“Chancellor, may ah-“ Smart Cookie started before Puddinghead abruptly tackled her to the ground and started kissing her. Then the others piled on top of them. And…
Well, you can guess what happened next.
“…Okay, there is no way that’s what really happened,” said a stunned Twilight.
“I’m afraid it is,” Celestia said apologetically.
“This is awesome! We should do this at the next Pageant!” Rainbow Dash cried.
“Rainbow Dash, there’s no way we’re doing…that in front of a crowd!” Twilight said, blushing.
“Why not? Those guys don’t seem to have a problem doing it,” Rainbow said, waving a hoof at the actors. “And besides, aren’t you all about teaching people about real history? I figured you’d love being in a play that’s totally historically accurate!”
“…So did I…” Twilight muttered with a grimace.
“COME ON, HURRICANE! THOU CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!” Luna shouted. “THOU ART SAID TO HAVE BEDDED OVER A THOUSAND MARES AND STALLIONS! GIVEN THY PERFORMANCE SO FAR, I FIND THAT VERY HARD TO BELIEVE!”
Unbeknownst to any of the ponies (and dragon), a sixth person had just entered the booth. It had been foal’s play for Sunset Shimmer to incapacitate the guards outside the door and get through the wards without being detected. She was a former student of Princess Celestia, after all, and knew quite a lot about magic, including the Sun goddess’s own.
Her blood boiled when she stared at Twilight, and it was all she could do not to draw her gun and shoot the usurper of her destiny and the power meant for her then and there…and she nearly screamed when she saw Princess Celestia, years of hatred and resentment and envy bubbling up from deep within her. How dare she cast me away and replace me like nothing happened, she snarled. It should be me sitting beside her, not that purple strumpet! No, not even that, it should be me sitting where you are! You are unworthy of your crown, you selfish fat bitch, and I will make you grovel at my hooves begging for forgiveness once I have taken my rightful place on the throne…but I shall not grant you mercy, not even a little, and you shall be tortured forever in the dungeons for refusing to acknowledge my greatness and denying me my destiny while I am given the praise and respect I deserve by my millions of worshipful slaves! She grinned maliciously. Or perhaps I will just kill you…after all, I brought more than enough bullets…
She didn’t spare much of a thought for the other three in the booth. Luna was barely a threat; given that everyone knew she was far weaker than her sister and completely useless and would be just as susceptible to bullets as the others. With her full magical power restored thanks to her return to her homeworld, she didn’t expect the Pegasus or dragon to be a problem either. She would break their wills easily and make the former a concubine and the latter a pet. Or perhaps vice versa. Or both. She was flexible.
But first, she had to take care of Twilight Sparkle. Her horn only emitting the faintest magical glow, she slowly took out her gun, which she’d made triply sure was loaded before coming here, and pointed it at the back of Twilight’s head, waiting for the right moment to strike.
Down on stage, the six founders had finished their orgy, and Smart Cookie, Clover the Clever, and Private Pansy had been sent back to the old country to let their respective tribes know it was safe to move to the new land and that they would all be living together in one unified nation while their leaders set the groundwork for the arrival of their people. However, when the three subordinates returned, much to the surprise of their superiors, they arrived alone. “Where is everyone?” Princess Platinum asked in surprise, noticing that Clover and the others were the only ones there.
“They…um…they’re not coming,” Clover admitted unhappily.
“Wait, WHAT?!” Hurricane shouted.
“What do you mean they’re not coming?! Didn’t you give them their invitations to my super-awesome ‘Welcome to Equestria’ party?!” Chancellor Puddinghead demanded of Smart Cookie.
“Ah, uh, ah did. They, um…they tore them up and set them on fire right in front of us,” Smart Cookie said unhappily.
Puddinghead gasped in horror and staggered backwards, looking like she was having a stroke. “What is the meaning of this?! What do you mean they aren’t coming?! The old country is virtually uninhabitable, why would they want to stay there?!” Platinum demanded.
“Not to mention disobey the orders of their Supreme Commander!” Hurricane said angrily.
“Well…um…the thing is…the old country’s not uninhabitable anymore,” Pansy said meekly.
Hurricane blinked. “Huh? It’s not?”
“Oh, I see. Our defeat of the windigos here must have broken the spell of winter in the old land as well!” Platinum realized.
“Um…no. That’s not it,” Clover said uneasily.
Platinum narrowed her eyes. “Well then, what is it, Clover? Speak up, darling!”
Clover sighed. “You’re not gonna like it.”
“It can’t be worse than everyone burning my invitations!” Puddinghead sobbed miserably.
“It is, actually,” Smart Cookie said glumly.
“Oh dear. Well…you see…the thing is…” Pansy fidgeted nervously.
“Y’all remember how before we left, the three of you got together to solve the big crisis and instead just blamed everything on each other and stormed out?” Smart Cookie asked.
The three leaders flinched. “Not my finest hour…” Hurricane said, laughing embarrassedly.
“Well, that was the last straw for just about everyone. They’d been getting tired of your leadership for a while now-“ Clover started.
“WHAT?!” Platinum screamed.
“There’s nothing wrong with my leadership!” Hurricane shouted.
“Or mine!” Puddinghead agreed.
Clover sighed. “Princess, they said, and I quote, ‘Princess Platinum is a vain selfish egotistical bitch who wastes all our tax money on shoes she only wears once then hides in her closet never to be used again and ridiculously extravagant clothing and jewelry to make herself more beautiful, Commander Hurricane is a bloodthirsty warmonger whose libido is either a laughingstock or horror story among her underlings and the people of Pegasopolis, and Chancellor Puddinghead is completely bucking insane.”
“…I don’t spend all the tax money on shoes…” Platinum said uneasily.
“A horror story?! I’ve never slept with anyone who didn’t want it…and didn’t enjoy it!” Hurricane asserted.
“What about-“ Pansy started.
“Slaves aren’t really people and don’t count,” Hurricane said.
“But-“ Pansy started.
“Things that aren’t ponies don’t count as people either,” Hurricane said stubbornly.
“And-“ Pansty started.
“I’ve never slept with anyone who didn’t want it…and didn’t enjoy it! End of story!” Hurricane snapped.
Platinum rolled her eyes. “It’s no wonder there are many who accuse you of being part-Changeling…”
“Hey, I’m pure Pegasus through and through!” Hurricane snapped. “There’s not a trace of disgusting bug blood anywhere in me!” She paused, then admitted, “They are really good in bed, though…”
As Platinum scrunched up her face in disgust, Rainbow burst into laughter. “Oh stallion, Hurricane’s always been my favorite founder, but I had no idea she was this much like me! Hahahaha! She’s a mare after my own heart!...well, aside from the racism thing…”
“Well, it’s not surprising there’s a resemblance, you are a descendant of hers,” Celestia said.
Rainbow started. “Wait, really?!”
Celestia nodded. “Indeed.”
“Then again, just about every pony alive today in Equestria is descended from Hurricane as well,” Luna admitted, causing Rainbow to deflate.
Twilight frowned. “Don’t you mean every Pegasus?”
“No,” Luna said, munching more popcorn.
“I resemble that remark! I’ve never bucked a day in my life! My family comes from a long line of rock farmers, we’ve never so much as touched an apple tree!” Puddinghead said angrily.
“…The insanity thing doesn’t bother you?” Platinum asked.
“Nah, that’s completely accurate,” Puddinghead said.
“Anyway, your inability to come to a compromise or get over your massive egos and personality flaws was the last straw,” Clover continued. “And after we all left, they went behind our backs to form an alliance to find a way to stop the winter, their desire to end the cold and hunger—and mutual dislike for you three--stronger than their old racial hatreds. Their unity starved the windigos, who no longer had any hatred to feed on, and the land went back to normal.”
“…Oh. Well…that’s good…” Platinum said uncertainly.
“Wait. Wait! Are you saying that the only thing that could have kept us from ending the winter ages ago…was us?!” Hurricane demanded.
“…That seems to be the general consensus, yes,” Clover admitted.
“Unbelievable…” Hurricane grumbled.
“Huh. Oh well, now that things are fine, I guess we’ll just have to pack up and go back home,” Puddinghead said, somewhat disappointed.
“Er…I’m afraid that’s not an option, ma’am,” Smart Cookie said.
“They, ah, don’t want us around anymore since they think if you come back you’ll just screw everything up again,” Clover confessed.
“We’ve sort of been…banished,” Pansy said meekly.
“…Banished,” Hurricane said flatly.
“Yes,” Pansy said.
“The Supreme Commander of Pegasopolis. Banished by her own people,” Hurricane repeated, shaking with anger.
“Um. Yes. Sorry,” Pansy whimpered, hiding behind her hair.
Hurricane roared in rage and punched a nearby boulder, shattering it. “THOSE BUCKING TRAITORS! I’LL KILL THEM ALL!”
“They. Um. Have the entire Pegasi Legion. So that might not be a good idea. If that’s okay,” Pansy said timidly.
“I AM COMMANDER HURRICANE, THE GREATEST WARRIOR WHO’S EVER LIVED! I CAN TAKE THEM!” Hurricane shouted.
“That’s not entirely hyperbole, actually. Commander Hurricane was a warrior of such skill that she’s destroyed entire armies single-hoofedly,” Celestia informed Twilight, Rainbow, and Spike.
“Whoa, really?” said the impressed Rainbow.
Celestia nodded. “Indeed. However, the combined forces of all the tribes in the old country would have been too much for even her to handle.”
“She’d probably have killed two-thirds before succumbing to wounds and dying, though,” Luna said.
“I think three-fourths is more accurate,” Celestia said. Luna shrugged.
“So…cool…” Rainbow gushed.
Platinum collapsed in disbelief. “…They…they can’t do this! I’m…I’m royalty! I’m the next ruler of our people!”
“They didn’t really seem to care,” Smart Cookie said.
“You’re really unpopular back home, Princess,” Clover said.
“But…but my father…surely he wouldn’t-“ Platinum protested.
“The King is dead, Princess,” Clover said quietly. “Your sister has taken the throne of Unicornia.”
“…But…but I’m the next in line!” Platinum said desperately.
“Not anymore,” Clover said solemnly. Platinum burst into tears.
“What about me?! Everyone loves me! I’ve been voted into office for seven consecutive terms!” Puddinghead protested.
“That’s because you keep stuffing the ballot boxes and arranging for strange and bizarre ‘accidents’ to occur to your opponents,” Smart Cookie pointed out.
“Details,” Puddinghead said dismissively.
“The new nation—they’re calling themselves the ‘Crystal Empire’ for some reason—said that they won’t send anyone out to hunt us down and put us to death so you can’t screw up this new country too so long as none of us ever set hoof in their territory ever again,” Clover reported.
“We…we can never go home?” Platinum whispered.
“I’m sorry, Princess,” Clover said. Platinum started crying again.
“Well, buck them! We’ll just start our own country! With blackjack! And hookers! In fact, forget the country!” Puddinghead said stubbornly.
“Yeah, we’ll make Equestria the awesomest country in the world! They’ll be begging to be part of us by the time we’re through, and we’ll just laugh in their faces and conquer them and crush them beneath our hooves and make them our slaves,” Hurricane said grimly.
“Ooh, sounds fun!” Puddinghead said.
“But how?” Platinum said miserably. “There’s just the six of us now, and six ponies does not a country make.”
“Maybe we could open our borders to other species and allow them to live here as equal citizens?” Pansy suggested timidly. The other five stared at her for a moment and then burst into raucous laughter, causing her to sniff and start to tear up.
“Why are they laughing?” asked the confused Rainbow.
“Back then, ponies had different standards and values then we do today. For example, back then, the very idea of living in equality with non-ponies was regarded completely absurd, as was giving equal rights to stallions, or not keeping slaves,” Twilight explained.
“Oh. Well, that’s not the case today, right?” Rainbow asked.
“Not at all,” Twilight said proudly, although Celestia and Luna looked uneasy, and Spike struggled not to burst into bitter laughter.
“Seriously though, how are we going to build a new nation, the envy of the rest of the world, with just the six of us?” snickered Platinum, wiping away a tear.
“Simple, we’ll just sneak into this so-called ‘Crystal Empire’, abduct a few dozen stallions, make them our sex slaves, and rut them until we get pregnant. That’s all they’re good for anyway,” Hurricane said. The other leaders nodded in agreement.
“But they’ll kill us if we go back!” Smart Cookie protested.
“They can try,” Hurricane said.
“There, um, may be another way,” Clover said, flushing.
Platinum frowned. “What do you mean?”
Clover turned even redder. “…I…ah…may know a spell that might…let us get pregnant…without male input…”
They stared at her. “Would it require us to continue…ah…having intercourse with each other?” Platinum asked finally.
“Um. Yes,” Clover said. “It’s, ah, recommended, actually.”
“…I think I’m in love,” Hurricane said lustfully.
“Oh boy! ANOTHER orgy! Hooray!” Puddinghead cheered.
“…You have GOT to be bucking kidding me,” Twilight said flatly.
“And that’s how Equestria was made!” Pinkie Pie declared, popping out of Luna’s popcorn carton.
The moon goddess didn’t bat an eye at the pink pony’s sudden appearance and instead reached into Pinkie’s mane to grab some kernels and throw them at the actors, shouting, “MAKE BABIES ALREADY! THE FUTURE OF THY NATION DEPENDS ON IT!”
Rainbow Dash was raucously laughing on the floor. “Best. Hearth’s Warming. EVER.”
“Celestia, please tell me that’s not how it happened!” Twilight begged Celestia desperately.
“Oh, but it is,” Celestia said. “It’s also how Luna and I were born.”
Twilight stared at her blankly. Her eye twitched. “…WHAT.”
“Wait, I thought your parents were the holy Faust and McCracken,” said the confused Spike.
“My sister and I were crafted in the Heavens by our divine parents…but we had to get to the material plane somehow, didn’t we?” Luna pointed out. “NO, NO, THOU WILT NEVER GET PREGNANT THAT WAY! PUT SOME MORE EFFORT INTO IT! ART THOU EVEN TRYING?!”
Sunset Shimmer decided that this was it. The time was right to strike! She stepped forwards, shrieking, “SIC SEMPER TYRANNUS!” and pulled the trigger once, twice, three times, pumping the lavender Alicorn’s body full of lead…
Or rather, it would have if the bullets hadn’t vaporized the instant they made contact with Twilight’s body, being obliterated down to the tiniest quark until there was nothing left of them on a quantum level thanks to the ridiculously high level of magical energy making up Twilight’s body instead of flimsy physical matter. They didn’t even leave a scratch on her features. “Sunset Shimmer?” she asked in surprise. “What are you doing here, and what did you just shoot at me?”
Sunset’s jaw dropped in horror. That should have worked! It had worked on Discord, why didn’t it work on Twilight?! She prepared to fire again…
When a golden glow surrounded her gun and it was wrenched out of her telekinetic grip with such force the backlash sent her flying backwards, screaming in agony as her skull felt like it was splitting, her horn ringing in horrible pain. Princess Celestia slowly took one step after another towards her former student, her hooves burning holes in the plush carpet of the booth as she went, the gun crumpling into a ball so tiny it would have fit in a bullet before melting into molten metal which splattered to the ground beside the sun goddess, completely destroyed. Light radiated from Celestia’s form, and power great and terrible, the fabric of reality itself seeming to warp and bend around her. “Sunset Shimmer,” she said calmly, without showing a hint of the fury, burning as hot as her Sun, visible in her eyes. “Did you just try to assassinate my faithful student, a member of the Royal Family, a goddess?”
“…No?” Sunset Shimmer said weakly.
From the look in Celestia’s eyes, it was clear this excuse was not going to fly.
…
The trial had been all but a formality. Sunset Shimmer’s guilt had never really been in question, and the fact that she’d pretty much confessed by ranting about how brilliant she was and how much more she deserved the throne than the current reigning Princesses had made it abundantly clear that she’d done it and her only regret was that she’d been caught and failed to kill Twilight. When the jury unanimously declared Sunset Shimmer guilty after a record-breaking two seconds of debate, nopony in the courtroom was surprised.
“Sunset Shimmer, this court finds you guilty of attempted murder against a member of the Royal Family, a crime most foul,” Celestia said gravely from her throne at the head of the room, looking down imperiously on her former student. There was not a hint of the love and affection that had once existed in her eyes every time she gazed upon Sunset Shimmer in the past. Now there was only anger, and more than a little regret that it had come to this.
“She’s immortal! I couldn’t have killed her even if I tried!” Sunset protested, the countless chains wrapped around her form weighing heavily upon her and making it difficult for her to even lift her head to glare defiantly at Celestia.
“But thou did try,” Luna, sitting next to Celestia, pointed out.
“…Semantics…” Sunset muttered.
“It is only because your poorly-thought attempt failed that you are not sentenced to death. Had your target been a less magical member of the Royal Family…like, say, Prince Blueblood…” Celestia said. Blueblood, who was sitting in the gallery and not really paying attention, blinked and looked up upon hearing his name. “You would have committed an unforgivable act of treason. Even so, the law dictates that you must suffer a terrible penalty for this act, and even if you are not to be put to death, your life is all but forfeit. Do you have anything to say for yourself?”
“…I’ll never do it again?” Sunset said weakly.
“Never try to kill Twilight Sparkle or another member of the Royal Family again, or never try to kill Twilight Sparkle or another member of the Royal family again using a weapon from another dimension?” Luna asked.
“Yes,” Sunset said.
Celestia sighed. “When you left Equestria, I held out a glimmer of hope that my former student was still in there somewhere. That hope no longer exists to protect you, Sunset Shimmer. Now, your fate is sealed.” She turned to an unhappy-looking Twilight, sitting on her other side. “Twilight, she attempted to kill you. By ancient law, her life is now yours to do with as you please. What will you do with her?”
Sunset’s eyes widened in horror. “Wait, what?!”
Twilight sighed reluctantly and stood up. “A part of me just wants to let her go free, or banish her back to the human world-“
“No, not there! ANYWHERE BUT THERE!” Sunset screamed desperately. She really did not want to go back to human prison. She had made a looooot of enemies when she escaped, and was not looking forwards to seeing them again.
“Or even to banish her from Equestria altogether-“ Twilight continued.
“Don’t send me to another country! There aren’t ponies in lots of other countries! I can’t stand it!” Sunset begged.
“However, if banished, she’ll probably just come back and try again,” Twilight continued. “I’d hoped that blasting her with the Elements of Harmony would help her see the light, but clearly that’s not the case. As such, it would probably be best to keep her on hoof to make sure she doesn’t cause any more trouble. Princess Celestia has made a habit of turning many who seek to usurp her authority or cause trouble into servants of the Crown, and as a Princess myself, I am obligated to do the same thing. As such…Sunset Shimmer, from this day forward, you shall be my number one assistant Spike’s number one assistant.”
“NOOOOOOOOOO!” Sunset Shimmer screamed in horror.
“Wait, what?” Spike, who’d been transcribing everything, said in surprise, looking up from his parchment.
“That’s right, Spike,” Twilight said, smiling warmly at her dragon son/brother/pet/slave. “You’re always telling me you’re old and mature enough to have more responsibility and duties other than just cleaning up after me and reshelving all the books in the library whenever I see the need, so I think this is the perfect opportunity for you to prove it. I’m promoting you to the rank of executive assistant—which is essentially exactly the same job with the same pay as before but with a different title—meaning you are now authorized to have an assistant of your own and delegate tasks to her.”
Spike stared blankly at the air for a moment. His quill pen slipped from his claws and hit the ground with a boom that would have echoed throughout the room if it weren’t a feather and so barely made a sound at all. “I…I can have an assistant of my own?”
“That’s right,” Twilight said with a smile.
“Then…then I…I can have someone to do the chores…and the laundry…and cook, and clean, and reshelve the books every other hour because I spontaneously decide I don’t like the way they’re organized, and do experiments and try new and horrifically painful untested spells on her, and wake her up when she’s in the middle of a good dream to force to help me with some research I thought of just that instant or some important project or experiment absolutely nobody else will care about and then make her work the rest of the day instead of giving her time off to make up for lack of sleep and chastise her for napping on the job and being too slow due to exhaustion, and force her to stay home and labor for long hours with little to no pay—assuming I even feel like or remember to pay her at all!—while I’m off on awesome adventures with my friends, and will cry herself to sleep while I’m in the room next door banging the pony she loves?” Spike asked, an absolutely terrifying fanged grin spreading across his face as Sunset paled and suddenly felt a profound need to relieve her bladder. She desperately tried to teleport, to escape, to do any magic at all…but the chains binding her forbade such things, and there was nothing she could do but stare at the utterly horrifying visage of the dragon that would be her new master.
“That’s right!” Twilight said, pleased that Spike seemed to be getting it. He was so smart! She’d taught him well. She was a good mentor/mother/sister/owner/mistress.
“Ha…hahaha…aha…ahahahahaha…ahahahahahahaha…GWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Spike laughed maniacally, body convulsing, tears of joy and madness running down his cheeks. Twilight smiled obliviously, happy that Spike was so happy, while Celestia and Luna exchanged awkward looks. “Oh…OH…how long I have waited for this…the chance to finally grind a Unicorn under my heel…” the baby dragon said malevolently, a look of greed and hatred and pure evil in his slitted green eyes. “Sunset Shimmer,” he crooned in a voice that would give even the bravest of warriors nightmares for years. “Because of you, I had to spend three days as a dog. I assure you, that you will wish for something as kind as that by the time I am through with you.”
“Eeeep,” Sunset said, losing control of her bowels.
Twilight nodded happily. “I knew this was a good idea! He looks so happy, doesn’t he?”
“…Yeeees. Well done, Twilight,” Celestia said awkwardly.
“We should probably keep an eye on that dragon,” Luna muttered to her sister, who nodded in agreement.
“Yes, we probably haven’t been giving him enough work, if he’s had time to think of such elaborate fantasies,” the Sun Princess said.
…
Sunset Shimmer soon found herself wishing she were back in human prison. The horrors she had suffered there would be a mercy compared to her life now.
Spike had made good on his word. He had spent his entire life subjugated by ponies, and so had several years worth of pent-up resentment and hatred bubbling inside of him, resentment and hatred he was perfectly happy to take out on a pony that was actually lower on the ladder than he. He never hit her, or breathed fire on her, or physically harmed or violated her in any way. He didn’t need to. By the terms of her sentence, her magic had been sealed completely save for whatever Spike might call upon her to do, and if she got too far away from his place of residence she would suffer crippling pain until she crawled back home and resumed her duties. She was also magically compelled to obey any order he gave her, no matter how cruel or demeaning, and punished with pain for refusing or hesitating too long in her task. She had to ask him permission to eat, to sleep, to use the restroom, even to breathe, and sometimes he refused her even those basic rights out of pure spite, then made her clean up the resulting mess just to be cruel. She had to clean a bathroom soiled by a horrible ‘potty emergency’ due to another ‘baked bads’ incident with a toothbrush. She had to reshelve the entire library at least twice a day, sometimes more. She had to pick her master’s toes with her teeth, and lick his scales clean, and feed him gems. She had to sleep in a small, cramped, dark cabinet and was given no possessions or anything to call her own, and forbidden to read any of the books surrounding her without permission, which she almost never received. Whenever Spike didn’t decide to make her sleep in a doghouse outside or take her on walks with a leash, that is. Actually, he always dragged her on a leash whenever he took her anywhere, so that ‘she would know what it was like.’ She was woken up at all hours of the night to help out with research projects and experiments that were almost completely pointless or irrelevant and almost certainly extremely dangerous and life-threatening, and even on the nights where there were no sudden interruptions, she barely got any sleep anyway due to working ridiculously long hours and having to get up ridiculously early, and was too exhausted to dream, and the few times she did dream, she only dreamed that she had more work to do, the very memory of freedom slowly rotting away until she couldn’t remember a life before she was Spike’s plaything. She had free time, but it could always be cancelled to do more work, and there always seemed to be more work to do, so she didn’t really have any free time, and certainly nopony who would call her friend. As Spike grew older and the years went on, the dragon made a point of flaunting his many girlfriends in Sunset’s face to remind her of what she could never have, and made sure to pleasure them very loudly at night so that his ‘assistant’ could hear them wherever she was sleeping. Her eyes were always red from excessive crying, her body almost always devoid of hair due to Spike having her shave it off whenever it started growing in to make her sew blankets out of them, and her body exuded such an aura of pure despair and anguish even Pinkie Pie couldn’t make her smile, and actually ran away whenever she saw Sunset lest she burst into tears as well. Her life was hard, and miserable, and fraught with sorrow and hurt and loneliness, and her tears were enough to fill a bathtub whenever her master felt the need for a ten-hour soak.
When she could eventually take no more of having to pick Spike’s nose with her horn or serving as his pillow or having to break her teeth mashing up his (literally) diamond-hard food in her mouth, she tried to kill herself so that she might finally know freedom…
And it was at that moment Celestia’s master plan to make everyone immortal came into effect, meaning nothing would ever be able to free her of her torment, not even death. Her heart broke completely as she realized there was no hope left at all, and no end would ever come to her suffering.
And so everyone lived happily ever after, except for Sunset Shimmer, who Spike renamed to Ugly Horned Pony Nobody Will Ever Love.
…
“The end!” the blue white-haired Unicorn in gypsy garb finished, the images in her crystal ball vanishing into mist.
Sunset Shimmer gawked incredulously. “…And that’s what’s going to happen if I go through with my plan?!”
“I am afraid so,” the soothsayer said solemnly.
“But…but that can’t be!” Sunset protested. “I mean, for one thing, how could Twilight possibly have an assistant harboring such psychoses? How could she be so oblivious to what he would do to me?!”
“He’s a dragon. They’re naturally cruel and greedy. Being raised by ponies has suppressed most of his instincts, but having a slave of his own to do with as he pleases would awaken some of those. And as for Twilight, she’s completely clueless as to how he feels about her own treatment of him, especially since his treatment of you isn’t really too different than what she does to him herself, albeit with a lot more cruelty,” the other Unicorn said.
Sunset blanched. “Really?”
“Sure. Why do you think he became a dog when he went to the human world instead of a human?” the other Unicorn said. “It pretty much sums up his entire role in life: to be Twilight’s obedient stooge. Wouldn’t you be overjoyed to be able to treat someone else the same if that was really all your lot in life?”
“…I…see…” Sunset said slowly. “…And there’s really no other outcome?”
“Oh, there is,” the fortune-teller said.
“Oh?” Sunset asked, perking up.
“Yes, Twilight could make you her number-two assistant, which would mean you’d not only to have to do close to the same level of work Spike would have forced you to do anyway but also have to compete with Spike for Twilight’s affections, awakening his instinct for envy and jealousy and territorialism, and he’d find ways to sabotage you and make your life miserable so he’d look better in Twilight’s eyes,” the oracle said.
“Oh,” Sunset said faintly. She chewed her lip. “…Any other possibilities?”
“Certainly,” the Unicorn said. “You could be put to death. Or locked in the dungeons for the rest of your life. Or-“
“I mean, is there any way out of this that winds up with me on top?” Sunset snapped.
“Oh. None at all,” the other Unicorn said.
“Really?” Sunset asked in dismay.
“Really. You can’t kill Princess Twilight Sparkle. She may be the youngest Alicorn, but already her power approaches—and will soon surpass¬—that of her elders. She is the Goddess of Magic, after all, and isn’t Magic the greatest force in the universe?” the blue Unicorn said.
“…I…guess…” Sunset said reluctantly. “But…what if I-“
“No,” the other Unicorn said.
“Or if I-“
“No.”
“But maybe-“
“No.”
“Perhaps-“
“No.”
“Wait! What if I-“
“No.”
“You’re not helping!” Sunset shouted, stomping a hoof angrily on the carpeted floor of the tent.
The Unicorn raised an eyebrow. “I think I am. I’m telling you what won’t work so you can stay out of prison, or worse, become a dragon’s slave forever.”
“But you aren’t telling me how I can go about overthrowing her and gaining absolute power!” Sunset whined.
“Because you can’t. Twilight was always destined to become a Princess. It was meant to be,” the Unicorn said with a shrug.
“Celestia always told me I was destined for great things too,” Sunset snarled.
“Perhaps you are, but if you were destined to be an Alicorn, would you not be one already?” the Unicorn said.
“Maybe it just hasn’t happened yet…there has to be a way to turn myself into one. Maybe the Alicorn Amulet, I think I read somewhere-“ Sunset started.
“NO!” the other Unicorn shouted, slamming her hooves on either side of her crystal ball, nearly causing it to fall off its stand and break. “You will stay away from the Alicorn Amulet! It will bring you nothing but trouble! The Great—I know from experience!”
“O-okay, I won’t look for the Alicorn Amulet!” Sunset stammered, frightened.
“Pinkie Promise!” the Unicorn yelled.
“Wh-what?” Sunset asked in confusion.
“Make a Pinkie Promise! ‘Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!’” the soothsayer said, waving her hoofs in the appropriate motions.
Frightened, Sunset did as she was bade, wondering briefly how the fortune-teller knew about the unbreakable promises that idiot Pinkamena back in Canterlot High had managed to enforce with nearly supernatural prowess. Then again, the Unicorn already seemed to know so many other things about her, she supposed it wasn’t that much of a surprise. She was a fortune-teller, after all. Once the sacred oath had been sworn, the oracle calmed down. “Good. Do not dare to break that promise, or the consequences will be severe. And not just because of the trouble the Alicorn Amulet will bring.”
“What am I to do, then?” Sunset asked, frustrated. “How am I to get my revenge?”
“You can’t. Get over it. Move on with your life,” the fortune-teller said flatly.
“But-“ Sunset protested.
“Sunset Shimmer, it was your own vanity, ego, and selfishness that caused you to wind up in another dimension without magic, get blasted by a magical rainbow friendship beam, and land in prison. Stop blaming other ponies for what’s your own fault,” the oracle said firmly.
“But my ambitions-“ Sunset started.
“Are not worth your life or your freedom,” the fortune-teller said. “You want my advice? The only way I can see things working out for you is if you get rid of that gun, abandon your dreams of power and revenge, and apologize to Princess Celestia for all the problems you’ve caused her.”
“But I’m not sorry!” Sunset protested.
“Then fake it. It’ll at least get you back in her good graces and give you a chance for a future other than being a dragon’s slave for the rest of your life,” the fortune-teller said.
“There’s no way she’d forgive me…” Sunset muttered.
“She forgave her sister for nearly throwing the world into eternal darkness and has made her former archenemy the freaking god of chaos her concubine. You’re small fries in comparison. I’m sure she’ll take you back. Maybe even make you her student again…and give you another chance at Alicornhood?” the soothsayer prompted.
Sunset raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Do any of your visions tell you that I can become an Alicorn?”
The oracle shrugged. “There’s always a chance, albeit an absolutely microscopic one. And hey, it’s better than the alternative, isn’t it?”
“…Well…hmmph…” Sunset sighed. “You’ve…given me a lot to think about.”
“Take your time. Don’t rush into anything. Especially if that something is stupid and illegal and liable to wind up with you spending the rest of your life in prison or enslaved to a bratty dragon,” the blue Unicorn advised.
“All right,” Sunset said, looking uncertain. “I’ll…I’ll think about it.” She grimaced. “You know, vision of the future aside, my plan probably wouldn’t have worked, anyway…exotic matter from another dimension being able to kill an Alicorn? Really? Sounds like something from a sci-fi story…I don’t seem to have a good track record where evil plots are concerned, do I?”
“No kidding. I mean, really, an army of brainwashed teenagers? That was the best you could do? When I was—er, I mean, if I was evil, I’d come up with a much better plan than that,” the blue Unicorn said.
Sunset perked up at this. “Oh?”
“I’m not telling you what it is,” the blue Unicorn said flatly.
“Oh,” Sunset said in disappointment. “Well…maybe it’s for the best.”
“Probably,” the soothsayer agreed.
Sunset stood up. “I should probably be going. Thank you for the glimpse of the future, and your advice.”
“Will you follow it?” the blue Unicorn asked.
“…We’ll see,” Sunset said slowly. She turned to leave, then paused and said, “Would…would she really forgive me?”
The oracle smiled. “Why don’t you go see for yourself?”
“…Perhaps I will,” Sunset said after some thought. A thoughtful look on her face, she left the tent.
The blue Unicorn smiled. Another satisfied customer. You did the right thing telling me about her, Discord. “Next!”
Her cheerful spirits sank when two young Unicorns entered the tent, one tall and skinny and dull yellow with a green mane, and the other short and fat and green with an orange mane. Oh no, not these two… “How may the Wise and Insightful Trixini help you on this day, little ones?” she said, hiding her dread and speaking in an over-the-top accent.
“Oh Wise and Insightful Trixini, we have come before you to ask a question of great importance!” the fat idiot said.
“What should we eat for lunch?” the tall idiot said.
‘Trixini’ facehooved. She just knew it was going to be one of those days.
Author's Note
Initially, the Sunset-as-Spike's-slave thing was going to be for real. Then I decided it would be too cruel. I mean, really, Spike has a terrible track record with pets, first he had to send Peewee back to his family after that unfortunate incident with the ice cream, and then he used too many magic recipes to feed his sea beasts and they evolved into a race of hyper-intelligent amphibians that left him to make their way in the world. Who knows what would happen if he had a pet Unicorn? She'd probably die or something. Or turn into a monster again.
And yeah, that's how Hearth's Warming really happened. I mean, really, why ELSE would they have only sent the leaders and their immediate aides to find a new land instead of an entire scouting party? :P
