Princess Celestia Reads the Newspaper
“Big sis, time to get up and raise the sun,” Luna lazily said as she woke Celestia, her eyes darkened by a late night doing whatever it was she did in her room.
“B-but I don’t wanna go to school,” Celestia mumbled, her eyes not even attempting to give a flying fluffy puppy.
“Tia, we never went to school. How do you even…” she groaned, rubbing her brow in disappointment. “Just get up. I made your favourite coffee. It should be done by the time you get up.”
“Tell Twilight I want a report by...” Celestia trailed off, her words becoming a mix of gibberish and a bit of what Luna was sure was a combination of French and Spanish. Neither of which she could ever remotely hope to speak.
“Number one; Twilight is a Princess. Number two; I’m buying you a dictionary and an English teacher. Now get up before I have do… it.” Luna said, emphasizing the word ‘it’. She was also quite sure that an ominous and well placed dimming of the lights happened as soon as she did say it.
“Go ahead, cock sprinkle,” Celestia immaturely replied.
“Did you just… Ew. That’s it, sis. You made me do this: Auntie Discord! Celestia won’t get up!” Luna yelled with a smirk on her face. “Have fun!” She giggled to herself as she exited the room, leaving Celestia to a fate worse than death itself. With a bright puff of smoke, Discord appeared with rosy cheeks, red lipstick, a wig and a dress.
“Of, Tia darling, you lazy Princess you!” he said in a high pitched voice as he walked towards the bed. “Honestly, how many times am I going to have to wake you?”
“Go away, Discord,” Celestia growled, awake and annoyed. Still, she didn’t open her eyes, nor did she make any attempts to get up.
“Well, I hope you like your bed sunny side up!” he laughed. With a snap of his fingers, Celestia’s bed was transformed into a large egg-white with Celestia lying on the top.
“DISCORD!” she yelled as she jumped from the squishy, not-so-warm egg-white. Discord simply smiled and snapped his fingers again, causing another smaller egg-white to fall from the sky and land smack-dab on Celestia’s face.
“Oops, that looks like sunny side under. Better calm down or you’ll burn the egg, Tia my dear!” True to Discord’s words, steam did indeed begin to rise from the egg on Celestia’s head, heated by the burning rage on Celestia’s face.
“Leave. Now!” she snapped, stepping forward towards Discord. In response, he threw his hands up in defence and backed away slowly.
“Looks like somepony woke up on the wrong side of the egg. Get it?” He smiled and lowered his arms, waiting for any hint of movement from Celestia. “Yeah, the egg jokes are getting a little boring and predicable,” he admitted, snapping his fingers and changing everything back to normal. “Still, as much as I hate being your alarm clock, it’s time to wake up and raise that sun. Or I could do it and have it be a large cheese wheel for a day.”
“Go bother Luna or something, Discord. I’m up! I wish you had a snooze button.”
“Oh, I do, my dear. The only trick is finding it! And well, let’s be frank, the days of you pushing my buttons ended long ago,” he said as he pushed a section of his body in like a button.
“I need my coffee. It’s too early for you,” Celestia sighed, stepping past the draconequus into the hallway. Unfortunately, he had a pesky way of being, well, Discord. Needless to say, he teleported right in front of her path.
“Won’t you allow me to join you, Tia? I promise, I’ll be good,” he promised as a halo appeared over his head. Celestia rolled her eyes and sighed.
“Even if I said no, you’d still do it anyways, so fine. Let me raise the sun then I’ll be in the kitchen. Pour me a cup of coffee and don’t do anything to it!”
“Who? Me? Never. Sugar, milk, honey, pine needles, or black?” Discord asked, referring to her coffee preferences.
“What was that second to last one?”
“Honey,” he responded, summoning a pot of honey to show what he meant.
Somewhere in another universe, an OCD rabbit was telling off a yellow bear for stealing a pot of his honey.
“No, I’m pretty sure you said pine needles.”
“Yep, you need coffee. Hearing things, poor little Tia. Tsk, tsk, you really must stop staying up so late looking through that telescope to passing mares.”
“WHAT?!” Celestia yelled, her face turning a rosy shade of red.
“What was that nickname I gave you all those years ago after that little ‘incident’ with that mare? Oh yeah, Molestia! Speaking of which, did you ever fix that barn door of yours or does it still swing both ways?” Discord teased, shoulder nudging a wide-eyed Celestia.
“You…I… That was one time! And you put her there! You- ugh!” Celestia groaned, her face still burning at the heat of the sun.
“Embarrassment isn’t denial, Tia. I’ll let you ponder that for a second. I’m going to go change into something a little less froufrou, even though I’m a ten out of ten in this get-up, and then make us some coffee,” Discord said as he teleported away, leaving his lipstick behind which fell to the ground unceremoniously. How it stayed in the shape of lips, nopony would ever know.
Celestia continued to stare angrily at the spot where Discord had just been, pondering on a plethora of ways to murder him violently and display it proudly on her wall. Sighing, she allowed herself to calm down and exited out onto the balcony and quickly raised the sun, bringing dawn to the new day.
She stared at the sunrise for a few minutes, pondering upon life much like she did each morning as the sun gazed back at her like a missing part of her soul. After about five minutes, she felt a need for coffee and decided it was time to go to the kitchen, Discord or no Discord.
Surprisingly, she entered the kitchen to find Discord sitting across for Celestia’s spot, reading glasses on his face and a newspaper unfolded in front of him. The odd part was that he was drinking coffee grounds straight out of the bag. As she entered, Discord smiled and sat the paper down.
“You know, the bed-head look is better than that flowing mane thing you usually have going on. Speaking of which, I always meant to ask how you do that.”
“If you must know, it’s a special shampoo we use. And I swear on my sister’s beard if you try and use it, I’ll ensure that you don’t have any hair on your head to shampoo,” she threatened.
“Ooh, I’m so scared. Speaking of which, cotton candy manes are the best, aren’t they?” he asked as he reached under the table and pulled up a large mound of cotton candy in various colours.
“Strange, did it just get colder in here?” Celestia asked as she scratched her head. Immediately, her mouth fell agape as she rubbed her mane over her bald head. Angrily, she stared at Discord and took a step towards him as he took a bite out of her mane. “Put it back or I’m turning you into something much worse than a statue.
“Like what?” he asked as he wrapped his tongue around the circumference of the mound of mane, licking it up and down much to Celestia’s disgust.
“Prince Blueblood’s bed,” she responded, a smirk on her face. Immediately, Discord sucked his tongue back into his mouth and went wide eyed.
“What circle of Tartarus did you crawl from?” he asked. Sighing in defeat he tossed the mound of mane back at Celestia, forcing it to fuse back to her head. Unfortunately and rather hilariously, a large bite mark was still obviously visible in the top of her mane. “And a little bit off the top,” Discord joked as he snapped his fingers, causing the missing part of her mane to reform.
“Where’s my coffee?” she rudely asked, her eyes narrowed at her spot at the table. Discord simply replied by pointing up at Celestia’s mug that was hanging upside down from the ceiling, his coffee held within by some magical force.
“Hanging out, waiting for you,” Discord replied as he sipped another mouthful of grains.
“Can the games wait until after I drink my coffee? Honestly, do you ever stop causing chaos?”
“Chaos? Celestia, you wouldn’t know chaos if it removed your flank and slapped you in the face with it. These are merely practical jokes at your expense. If you want chaos, I can cause chaos,” Discord pointed out before wadding up the remaining bag of grains and eating them, bag included.
“Fine, point taken. I don’t mind jokes and pranks; Luna and I play them on each other all the time, but there has to be a line.”
“There is. It’s a certain time of the month,” Discord mumbled as he rolled his eyes. “I learned my lesson earlier this month when I tried to replace Luna’s shampoo with dirty dish water.”
“That’s generally not a good time to mess with females in any way, most definitely,” Celestia agreed, chuckling a bit at the thought of what Luna did to Discord. Especially given that she turned worse than Sombra fused with Chrysalis evil during the cursed time. Even Celestia avoided her beloved sister like the pony-pox. “But I mean a line in the average day. Like me: don’t mess with me before my morning coffee and newspaper.”
“So be it, then. But I’m still your alarm clock when Luna asks; it’s simply too much fun waking you up! Oh, the looks you give me are simply hilarious!” Discord gleefully exclaimed.
“If you ever turn my bed into an egg again, I’m releasing Luna during that time. I’ll tell her you touched her games,” Celestia threatened, the corners of her mouth lifting into a coy smile.
“Well, for a sun goddess, you’re just a ray of fluffing sunshine, aren’t you? Fine, no more bed omelettes,” Discord promised. He sighed and lowered the mug as Celestia began to impatiently tap her hoof on the floor. “Drink you’re coffee. It’s still nice and hot. No pine needles, either!”
“Yippee,” Celestia nonchalantly replied. Carefully, she lifted the mug to her mouth and sampled the coffee to ensure nothing was wrong with it. To her amazement, it was some of the best coffee she’d had in months. “By Twilight’s left hoof, this is good!”
“Luna made it,” Discord shrugged. “I just added in a few ingredients from that pink party pony that Twilight is friends with.
“What were they?” Celestia quizzed as she took another drink of the succulent beverage.
“I haven’t the slightest idea. That pony is the embodiment of randomness, even more so than myself sometimes. I tried to ask but she simply looked at me funny then disappeared into a passing cloud. Whatever it is, it’s good though,” Discord explained.
“I must invite her over to show me what it was,” Celestia muttered to herself. As Celestia continued to drink the coffee, Discord placed his hoof on the table and began to file it down. Seeing his act, Celestia scrunched her face up and stared at him in disgust. “Discord, at the table? Really?”
“Where else am I going to do it? Luna’s dresser is filled with filings and needless to say, she wasn’t too happy with me.”
“That’s both funny and horrifically gross. Remind to check my dresser thoroughly after I’m done reading the paper,” Celestia said.
“Worry not, sun goddess, I’ve not treaded into your room yet. I’m afraid of running into your secret stash.”
“What secret stash?” Celestia demanded, slamming the now empty mug onto the table.
“You know the one, Molestia,” Discord joked, a smug grin on his face. Celestia began to deny it, but decided that the best way to get back at Discord was to respond in a way he’s not expecting.
“Oh, that one. I keep that in a safe place, so Luna won’t find it,” Celestia admitted, smiling coyly. Discord simply sat up and stared at Celestia with a look of uncertainty, blinking twice.
“Oh, Celestia, you slay me. I knew you had some jokes in you,” Discord replied.
“Who said I was joking?” Celestia seductively responded, her eyes closing slightly to form what the stallions in Equestria called ‘bedroom eyes’. Discord just stared back with detached bemusement, unsure how to respond.
“I don’t know how to respond to that Tia, but I’ll be sure to send both a stallion and a mare to your chambers tonight, since I’m entirely unsure as to what your preference is now,” Discord plainly said. “Just stop looking at me like that; here’s your paper. I’m going to go bug some of the guards for a bit.”
“Don’t take too long, handsome,” Celestia moaned, a smile wide on her face. Discord instantly snapped his fingers and teleported from the kitchen, leaving the paper on Celestia’s side of the table. When she was sure he was gone, Celestia allowed the laugh that was bubbling up inside of her to come out.
For about thirty seconds she laughed uncontrollably, unsure as to what exactly she found so funny about what she had done. Sure, it was worth a laugh, but not a thirty second one. She just chalked it up to still being tired and sighed when it was done before picking up the paper and scanning over the headlines.
“Let’s see what’s in the paper today,” she mumbled to herself. Her eyes went wide as she looked at the main page. On it was a large picture of Discord, mooning Celestia. Naturally, Celestia sat the paper down and began to rub her brow.
“Nice view, isn’t it?” Discord asked, animating out of the paper. “Really now, Princess, you didn’t think you could scare me away with a bit of sexiness, did you? For the love of my goatee, I’m the embodiment of chaos! Nothing can scare me away. At the very least it taught me to ensure I animate into one of your lamps the next time Twilight is over,” Discord hinted as he winked at Celestia, who was staring at him with extreme doneness.
“You win this time, Discord. I tried to troll the troll and failed,” Celestia admitted. “Now can I please just read my paper? The real one?”
“Sure, sure. I think I broke you enough for one day anyways,” he proudly gleamed. Celestia stared impatiently at him as he moon-walked out of the room.
“If he wasn’t so useful,” she mumbled to herself, shaking her head as she picked the paper up. A slight smile formed on her mouth as she unfolded the black and white object and looked over the actual headlines.
This had been a large part of Celestia’s morning for as long as she could remember. Honestly, she didn’t give two bits and an orange about the news since most of it was of lesser affairs, none of which affected her to the least. Still, it brought comfort to her to feel the normality of it, to connect with a side she felt she had lost long ago.
Plus, it was Sunday. Comics ruled.
Another thing she loved looking at was the sales. Oh, the things one could find in the many items on sale in the city paper. In fact, that was where she had gotten her many plushies for her collection, though she’d never admit to owning such a trivial collection of fluffy stuffed objects.
Except to Twilight, of whom she traded with frequently.
Content with her quick search of the paper, she turned back to the front and began to read any of the articles that interested her. There weren’t many, but the first one that stood out to he was the one detailing a scandal at Joe’s donuts.
According to the article, Donut had been putting a special ingredient in his donuts that made them taste akin to absolute nirvana. However, the ingredients also had a slight side-effect: complete and total randomness for about an hour. Celestia couldn’t help but laugh, thinking about ponies being completely random after eating donuts. Oh, the implications.
Celestia went wide eyed, read the article again, sat the paper down, and then stared at her coffee.
“Oh, shit,” she whispered. Unfortunately for her, the article mentioned that the ingredients used in the donuts made anything taste sweet and amazing, especially Joe’s coffee.
“Oh, you’re up,” Luna said as she entered the kitchen, her dark blue robe wrapped around her body. Her mane was wet, indicating she had just partaken in a shower.
“Yep. Had my coffee,” Celestia said as she levitated her mug up. Her tone of voice immediately called out to Luna; she was well aware when Discord had done something.
“Discord put something in the coffee, didn’t he?”
“He did.”
“It was the stuff he got from Twilight’s friend, Pinkie, wasn’t it?”
“That it was,” Celestia confirmed.
“You going to lose your mind and cause chaos?”
“Most likely.”
“Bring it on,” Luna said, sitting across from her sister. As she did, Celestia couldn’t help but notice that her hooves were beginning to shake.
“Don’t let me leave the castle, Luna.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” Luna responded. Celestia began to feel antsy; she wanted to get up and -despite the fact she never was a fan of it- dance. Somehow, she managed to keep herself seated and instead take to tapping on the table top. She wasn’t even a slightly capable drummer, but she found herself able to drum some complex beats using a variety of paraphernalia on the table to make different sounds.
“Quick, Luna, more cowbells!” Celestia yelled, tossing a random cow bell at her sister.
“Where did you…” Luna asked, staring quizzically at the inexplicable cowbell. However, Celestia was too busy drumming like a madman to even hear her sister’s question.
“I have no idea what I’m doing!” Celestia exclaimed, her eyes closed as she focused on her drumming. Almost immediately, she dropped the drumming and instead stood from the chair and walked calmly over to the cupboard.
“Thank Twilight’s crown, you stopped. No offense, but that was some terrible drumming. And I should know; I’ve heard Twilight tapping on her desk when she was thinking of something,” Luna pointed out, “At least I hope that was tapping,” she lightly murmured to herself.
“Luna, have you heard of,” Celestia started before pausing dramatically and then turning around, “the muffin man?”
“Uhm, no?” Luna confusedly replied.
“Neither have I. But I know what will sweeten up our day. How about,” Celestia slowly said as she stepped closer to her sister, “some CINNAMON!” Without any warning at all, Celestia began to toss powdered cinnamon at her sister, coating her face and mane in the sweet powdery awesomeness.
“AH!” Luna shouted, shocked by the sudden influx of foreign dust in her nose. Violently, she began to sneeze about five times before finally stopping herself and looking up at her sister. Anger turned to absolute bewilderment when she saw that her sister was now tossing powdered cinnamon all over the kitchen, making an absolutely -if not incredibly tasty- mess.
“Cinnamon! Quick, Luna, go get that friend of Twilight’s! The one that wrote that friendship report that said she hadn’t learned anything. Applejack’s with cinnamon!”
“Tia, did you just?” Luna disapproved, staring with the expression of one that is done with everything.
“I did! By the way,” Celestia quickly dashed over to her sister and reached into Luna’s mane, “You really shouldn’t carry ice-cream there. It’s not very good for your mane,” Celestia pointed out before licking the somehow still cold ice-cream cone that was in Luna’s mane.
“How did you- what?!” Luna shouted as she quickly fondled her mane to ensure that nothing else was hidden within.
“It’s the bird’s, Luna! They hide things in our manes. Speaking of which, do want some cake? I have cake hidden all over the castle in case of cake emergency,” Celestia revealed as she reached under the table and pulled out an entire cake. Hilariously enough, the top was decorated with ‘happy birthday, Twilight!’.
“Why do you… never mind. No, I don’t want any cake. Just stay here; I’m going to go get Discord. He might want some,” Luna said as she stood from the table, intent on making Discord fix her sister.
“No need, moon-moon,” Discord said as he materialized from seemingly nowhere. Luna began to wish she had taken up Twilight’s offer to sleep over at her house the previous night. Then again, the chances of absolute destruction of Ponyville was more of a danger over there than randomness in her own castle.
She slowly realized that she was the only sane one left.
“Please fix her, Discord. I want to go to bed; I’m too tired for this,” Luna sighed, pointing at her sister who was now making a cake.
“Why? I find this Celestia much more of a free spirit. I wish she’d be more like this all the time,” Discord admitted as he hung a hammock from the chandelier and laid on it with a bucket of popcorn in his lap.
“Food fight!” Celestia yelled as she through a piece of cake. Unfortunately, Luna hadn’t the slightest time to dodge and it hit her right in the left cheek, coating her entire face in icing. She slowly breathed in and out before opening her eyes, stabbing Discord with their piercing gaze from behind the white icing.
“I’m. Going. To. Kick. Some. Ass,” Luna growled, her teeth gritting together. Discord began to stifle his laughter, trying his hardest not to ensure a quicker death. If there was one sister he feared, it was the one who had once threatened to mix him into a smoothie. Mainly because he didn’t doubt she would actually do it. However, he completely lost it when Celestia neared her, stood in front of her for a second, then drizzled chocolate sauce on Luna’s head.
“That is perfect! Celestia, I love you! Same you have to be sane all the time; you’d make a great mad god!” Discord cackled as he rolled around in mid-air.
“Hey look, I made a moon pie!” Celestia exclaimed, laughing her head off. Naturally, Luna continued to stare at both of them like she was slowly undressing them then tearing them limb from limb and devouring the remains.
“Fix her. Now,” Luna demanded as a bit of icing dropped off her face onto the floor.
“I’d love to. There’s one problem, though,” Discord said as he stroked a claw through the icing on Luna’s face and placed it into his mouth. “I didn’t do anything.”
“Next time we eat Twilight,” Celestia promoted, speaking the opposite direction of Luna and Discord towards a wall.
“She said you put something in her coffee. What was it?”
“Oh, that? I asked the pink pony for some sugar the other day and she gave me some new sugar she got. It’s just cupcake flavoured sugar,” Discord revealed.
“Then why is she acting this way?!” Luna snapped, angrily glaring at Discord with murderous intent.
“Maybe because of the fake paper article I left? Ever hear of a placebo effect, my dear?” Discord revealed. “I made her think that what I put in her coffee causes randomness and she believed it! She’s so gullible.” Upon hearing Discord, Celestia stopped, looked at the cake in her hooves, dropped it, and then scooted away from her sister.
“Seriously? Tia, you threw cake and cinnamon at me for no reason? Are you kidding me?” Luna calmly asked, but in a tone that stated clearly she was thinking of flaying her sister alive and eating the remains as beef jerky.
“So you’re telling me that it was just normal coffee with cupcake sugar?” Celestia asked, her face red from embarrassment.
“That it was, sun-butt,” Discord confirmed. “And a pine needle.”
“Should we kill him?” Celestia asked.
“We should. But let’s not. I have a better idea,” Luna replied.
“Prince Blue-blood’s bed?”
“Exactly.” Discord went wide eyed as Celestia and Luna began to advance on him.
“Perhaps we’re being a bit rash here, Princesses. It was just a practical joke! Please, anything but his bed. He’s so snooty! Have mercy!” he pleaded. However, his begging fell on deaf ears. Within seconds, he had been transformed into a bed.
Prince Blue-blood was snoring loudly on top of it. Discord tried to scream but found he was hopelessly inanimate. Back in the kitchen, the two sisters stood silently one by another. Luna blinked once before wiping the icing from her face and staring at it in her hoof.
“Sorry, Luna,” Celestia apologized.
“How long should we keep him like that?” Luna asked, still staring at the icing.
“Til’ I go to sleep. Should give him time to experience blue-blood’s ‘alone time’.”
“Fair enough. I’m going to bed now. After another shower,” Luna grumbled. As she began to toss the icing in the trash, she smiled and looked at Celestia.
“Luna? What are you-“ Celestia tried to ask, but not before her face was greeted with the sweet taste of icing and cake.
“Good morning, sister. Have a nice day!” Luna farewelled. Celestia just watched as he sister departed the room before wiping the icing away and looking at the chaos she had caused.
“I hate the newspaper,” she mumbled as she departed for her own shower.
Author's Note
Based on a true story.
