TWILIGHT SPARKLE FIXES EVERYTHING

by Between Lines

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 1057

AFTER READING EVERY BOOK IN EXISTENCE, TWILIGHT "OH YEAH" SPARKLE REALIZES LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR WEAKLINGS

OCCASIONALLY, WHEN RELAXING BETWEEN MONSTER TRUCK RALLIES AND ROCKET LAUNCHES, TWILIGHT "SCREW IT" SPARKLE RELAXES WITH A BOOK BY THE WARM FIRELIGHT OF OTHER LESSER BOOKS. LITERALLY, A BOOK, AS ONLY HER OWN AUTOBIOGRAPHY CAN SURVIVE THE SCRUTINY OF A GOD AMONG GODS-WHO-SUBSEQUENTLY-BECOME-MEWLING-WHELPS-BEFORE-HER-EYE-SEARING-GLORY.

THIS IS HER STORY.

AS IF YOU'D READ ANY OTHER.

(DUE TO A SURPRISINGLY APPROPRIATE WORDCLOUD, COVER ART NOW EXISTS. YOU MAY REJOICE.)

Published 2013-11-15 04:20:22 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-15 04:20:22 UTC

CONTAINS TWILIGHT: ALL YOU NEED TO KNOW

IT WAS NOT AN AVERAGE DAY IN PONYVILLE, BECAUSE PRINCESS TWILIGHT "THE INCREDIBLE" SPARKLE AS HER FIRST ACT UPON WAKING UP HAD SENTENCED AVERAGE TO DEATH. WITH THAT AFTERTHOUGHT TAKEN CARE OF BEFORE LESSER PONIES COULD EVEN THINK, TWILIGHT "UNSTOPPABLE" SPARKLE POURED HERSELF A BOWL OF '64 FORD MUSTANGS IN VODKA, WITH A SIDE OF GOLD PLATED DIAMONDS FOR APPROPRIATE ROUGHAGE. A BALANCED DIET IS CRITICAL TO MAINTAINING FULL LEVELS OF AWESOME.

PREPARED FOR HER DAY, AND IT WAS HER DAY AS SHE'D TAKEN OVER ALL CELESTIAL DUTIES FROM CELESTIA, LUNA, AND CADANCE EVEN THOUGH SHE DIDN'T HAVE ANY, TWILIGHT "YOU KNOW IT" SPARKLE KICKED DOWN HER FRONT DOOR, FORCING IT TO EXIT FROM EXISTENCE, AND STEPPED OUT INTO THE STREET. INSTANTLY, ALL PONIES BOWED FOR MILES AROUND BY COMBINED DINT OF THEIR INSTINCTIVE SUBSERVIENCE TO THEIR TRUE MASTER, AND THE 8.5 RICHTER EARTHQUAKES SHE SENT OUT WITH EVERY STEP. BEING INFINITE IN HER MAGNANIMITY, SHE WAVED A HOOF, AND REWARDED HER SUBJECTS WITH RICHES N' BITCHES IN GREAT SUPPLY FOR SHE WAS TWILIGHT "GET USED TO IT" SPARKLE.

IT WAS THEN THAT HER FRIEND, OR AS CLOSE AS ANY NON SPARKLE BEING COULD COME TO SUCH A ROLE, RAINBOW DASH FLEW UP TO HER. NORMALLY, SUCH AN ACTION WOULD HAVE BEEN DESCRIBED IN SOME LESSER FORM OF ENGLISH SUCH AS LOWERCASE, AND WITHOUT A REFERENCE TO TWILIGHT "THE TRUE PRIME" SPARKLE, BUT TWILIGHT "FLANKS OF STEEL" SPARKLE HAD RETROACTIVELY REMOVED ALL SUCH INFERIOR STRUCTURES FROM EXISTENCE.

"HEY TWILIGHT," SAID RAINBOW IN HER NOW UPGRADED FULLCAPS PRONUNCIATION FOR WHICH SHE SHOULD BE AND WAS ETERNALLY GRATEFUL, "WANT TO GO TEACH ME SOME NEW TRICKS?"

TWILIGHT SMILED, THE BRILLIANCE OF THE GESTURE OBLITERATING THE EASTERN HALF OF EQUESTRIA, AND BLINDING THE SUN. "I ALREADY HAVE."

AND RAINBOW HOVERED IN AWE OF TWILIGHT "THE ONE" SPARKLE'S ENDLESS WISDOM, BEFORE FLYING OFF TO IMITATE TO A LESSER DEGREE THE TRICKS THAT ONLY TWILIGHT "BEST PONY" SPARKLE COULD EVER PERFORM. WATCHING HER CLOSEST-THING-TO-A-FRIEND TRY TO MATCH HER LEVELS OF AWESOME, TWILIGHT "UNPARALLELLED" SPARKLE SHED A SINGLE TEAR, CREATING A NEW INLAND SEA. EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS SO DISTANTLY REMOVED FROM OTHER PONIES AND THEIR LESSER LEVELS OF GROSSLY IMPRESSIVE PERFORMANCE, SHE COULD STILL FIND IT WITHIN HER INFINITE COMPASSION TO SYMPATHIZE WITH THEIR INFERIOR AND ULTIMATELY MEANINGLESS PLIGHTS.

BECAUSE TWILIGHT "ALPHA AND OMEGA" SPARKLE WAS AN AWESOME FRIEND.

HAVING ELEVATED OTHER PONIES AS FAR FROM THEIR LOWLY STATE AS WAS POSSIBLE FOR EVEN A BEING OF SUCH UNMATCHED GLORY AS HERSELF, TWILIGHT "INFINITE" SPARKLE PULLED OUT HER CHECKLIST. OF COURSE, SIMPLY BY BEING NOTICED BY A BEING OF SUCH STUPENDOUS SPARKLENESS AS TWILIGHT, EVERY SINGLE ITEM ON THE LIST WAS ALREADY RESOLVED UPON CREATION. STILL, SHE COMPLETED THEM AGAIN, BECAUSE THAT WAS WHAT NORMAL PONIES USED CHECKLISTS FOR, AND IT WAS IMPORTANT TO REMAIN HUMBLE.

WITH "REMAIN HUMBLE" CHECKED OFF HER LIST, TWILIGHT "SPORKLE" SPARKLE CREATED AN IMPROVED VERSION OF THE SPORK THAT ACTUALLY WORKED. SHE DUBBED IT THE SPORKLE. SHE ALSO GAVE IT THE ABILITY TO CURE CANCER, POVERTY, HUNGER, AND LESSER CUTLERY. THE SPORKLE THEN WENT AND HELD ITS OWN PRESS CONFERENCE, AND LAUNCHED ITS OWN PRODUCT LINE AND AD CAMPAIGN. THE AD WENT "SPORKLE BY TWILIGHT "THAT ONE" SPARKLE." IT WAS A RUNAWAY SUCCESS AND SOLD MORE THAN ANYTHING EVER.

DONE TENDING TO THOSE SOCIAL OBLIGATIONS SHE FELT INCLINED TO OBSERVE AS A FUNCTION OF HER UNQUESTIONALBE WHIMS, TWILIGHT "THE MARE" SPARKLE DECIDED TO BRIEFLY CONTEMPLATE HER OWN AWESOMENESS. OF COURSE, BY HAVING HER AWESOMENESS CONTEMPLATED BY A BEING AS INHERENTLY AWESOME AS HERSELF, HER AWESOME MULTIPLIED BY A FACTOR OF INFINITY DIVIDED BY ZERO. IN RECOGNITION OF THIS, SHE GREW FOUR MORE WINGS AND PROMPTLY CAUGHT FIRE.

HER OWN GLORIOUS INCANDESCENCE MORE THAN ENOUGH FOR PONYKIND, SHE THEN PUNCHED OUT THE SUN, SEEING AS IT WAS ALREADY BLIND AND LUNA DIDN'T GET ENOUGH CREDIT. OF COURSE, TWILIGHT "THE DECIDER" SPARKLE WAS AGAIN OMNISCIENT AND KIND IN HER SWEEPING DECISIONS, AND IMPREGNATED CELESTIA WITH A THOUGHT, SO THAT SHE WOULD HAVE A NEW CALLING IN LIFE NOW THAT THE SUN WAS EXPLODED. OF COURSE, BEING FOALS OF TWILIGHT "TWILIGHT SPARKLE" SPARKLE, THEY WERE INFINITELY BETTER THAN THE SUN ANYWAY.

HAVING PERFORMED MORE GOOD THAN ALL OTHER PONIES IN HISTORY COMBINED, TWILIGHT FLEW THE CRYSTAL EMPIRE TO HERSELF. SHE THEN CAST A DUPLICATION SPELL, AND MADE SWEET SWEET LOVE TO HERSELF IN FULL VIEW OF FLASH SENTRY, THUS STEALING HIS WAIFU. SHE CAST ANOTHER HUNDRED DUPLICATION SPELLS, SO THAT SHE COULD DO IT AGAIN TO TWO HUNDRED FLASH SENTRIES. THERE WERE TWO HUNDRED BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE WERE TWO TWILIGHT "LIKE YOU EVEN NEED TO ASK" SPARKLES, AND TWILIGHT "YEAH YOU DO" SPARKLE WOULD NEVER CREATE A DUPLICATE THAT WAS ANYTHING SHORT OF PERFECT.

AND FLASH SENTRY WEPT. AND THE WORLD REJOICED.

SATISFIED WITH HER WORK FOR TODAY, SHE LOWERED HERSELF OVER THE HORIZON, AND SHOVED HER HOOF INTO THE MOON, TURNING IT INTO A COPY OF HERSELF AS WELL, SO EQUESTRIA NEED NEVER SUFFER THE BANE OF AN INFERIOR CELESTIAL BODY. REALIZING THAT THERE WERE THREE OF HER NOW, AND ONLY TWO HEAVENLY BODIES, TWILIGHT "UNDEFINED" SPARKLE DECREED THAT THE THIRD WOULD SERVE THE PURPOSE OF SMOON, A NEW ASTRONOMICAL BODY SO AWESOME ONLY TWILIGHT "SMOON" SPARKLE COULD HAVE CONCEIVED OF IT.

AND IT WAS GOOD.

Stark silence filled the room, aside from the frothy gurgling of one particular lavender pony. Only two others dared stand close enough to watch over the twitching princess, one a dark grey mare, the other an unforgettable pink.

"Pinkie Pie?" Octavia asked, her voice working slowly through the words. "Where exactly did you get the ingredients for your cake?"

"Oh, well, with the flour shortage, and the ban on rum, I had a reeeeeeealy hard time baking a rum cake! I knew Vinyl had lots of rum though, so I sneaky sneaked over, and took her favorite rum!" She grinned broadly. "I knew it was her favorite because she named it! Peyote's kind of a weird name though. But that was okay, because she even had flour too! But for some reason she kept it in a tiny plastic bag with a razor." Pinkie paused for a moment. "Vinyl's a really strange pony."

Octavia wasn't listening. She was too busy calling poison control.