It was a nice day in the United States of Equestria. There were few clouds, as they were not scheduled for the day. Besides, water is too expensive to just have it rain from the sky, like snow or nuclear missiles.
Yes, in Equestria, nuclear missiles are cheaper than water.
It is in the large town of Ponyville that we find our focus of today’s story. In front of a tree, hollowed out to contain the vandalised husks of it’s fallen brothers, we find a mare designated Twilight Sparkle by her birth certificate. Of course, I’m lying. Her real name is Princess Twilight Sparkle. There was no need for me to make this clear, but whatever.
Anyway, our heroine is thirsty, but as said before, nuclear weaponry is cheaper than water, and she’s trying to watch her diet, so she’s restricted to water, and unfortunately, she signed a contract with a white cat thing with red eyes who liked magical girls or something. Contracts are unbreakable. Because white cat things with red eyes who like magical girls turn out to be bastards of lawyers.
Oh, wait. Lawyers.
So what shall she do? Well, necessity is the mother of insanity. Or invention. One of those.
“This is an extreme thirst!” Twilight declared, her voice rustling the jimmies of the leaves of the tree that held its tattooed kin.
Twilight thunk, and she thunk, and then she thought, like somepony with common bloody sense.
Since water was too expensive in the United States of Equestria, she could only do one thing.
Steal an Su-37 Terminator.
Nah, I’m just yanking your chain.
Wait, shit. She’s actually doing that?!
Twilight struck the unfortunate human pilot about the face and neck with a baseball bat, before dumping his corpse out of the cockpit of the Russian experimental supermaneuverable jet fighter. She climbed in and closed the canopy, before taxiing towards the runway of the air base Ponyville always had. Ponyville also always had Su-37 Terminators parked about for any old pony to take.
Soon, she was in the air, and doing flips ‘n’ shit. Sadly, the United States of Equestria Air Force doesn’t take kindly to ponies stealing their aircraft, even if was to obtain water. So yeah, soon she had some planes on her. Being flown by pegasi. For some reason. They were F-16s, because F-16 = freedom, somehow.
“There’s our bogey,” the lead plane ordered.
“I’ve never been in a dogfight before...” a plane at the back said nervously.
“This will not be a dogfight,” the lead plane replied. “This is a dogefight.”
The pilots looked at their armaments. All of them had turned into Shiba Inu heads. The pilots all smiled, before focusing on Twilight Sparkle’s Su-37 Terminator, which had a nude Arnold Schwarzenegger from the early 80’s painted on the side, with the words “I’ll be back.” painted in pink.
“much missile” the wingmare announced, firing a shibe head. A loud ‘wow’ filled her ears, as the shibe flew off to it’s fiery, explosive and awesome doom. Twilight gasped.
“such evasion” Twilight replied, as the shibe zoomed off target, before it eventually landed on a house. Luckily, the ponies inside were actually dicks.
”doge two wow” the third plane announced, spinning as it launched two shibes at Twilight. The purple pretty pony princess avoided them effortlessly, the Su-37 Terminator being that awesome.
“very xmaa” Twilight announced, hearing three lock-on tones, as three missiles fired from her Su-37. The other three pilots could not respond before their F-16s were destroyed. All the pilots were killed, since the shibes offered them no mercy and no time to eject.
“wow” Twilight remarked, flying away from the falling enemy aircraft. Due to budget cuts in the United States of Equestria air force, Twilight had actually defeated the United States of Equestria in an air battle. She was now Queen. But there was no time for royal duties, Twilight was thirsty.
It was during that moment Twilight remembered two things.
One, she could not fly.
Two, the Su-37 she was flying was only meant for humans.
Three, she, a mare who couldn’t fly, was flying a jet not made for her. And she still somehow out-flew three trained pilots who were flying jets made for them. The F-16 was so free, even other species could fly it. That is the inclusiveness America is made of. Yay.
Upon realising this, the Su-37 stopped instantly, and started falling.
“О, мое дерьмо! О, мой гребаный бог! Вы собираетесь к краху!” the jet itself yelled at her. It was Russian, so Twilight could not understand it. But it seemed the Su-37 was panicked enough to gain sentience, so some shit was going down. Mostly the Su-37, actually.
Twilight stared at the canopy until it surrendered, and bailed out. Using her wonderful wonder wings, she floated gracefully back down to the ground. She was still thirsty.
She retrieved the cell phone she always had from places unknown and best left unknown for the sake of our sanity. She used her magic to select ‘Homie Celestia’ from her contacts list.
“HELLO THIS IS DOG,” a dog answered the phone. Twilight heard a hoof’s impact and a squeal, before the voice of her teacher, friend and object of twisted sexual lust Princess Celestia answered the phone.
“Princess Celestia, I pose to you a conundrum. A riddle, if you will,” Twilight Sparkle asked. “Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?” Celestia asked, tearfully signing the declaration of surrender that magically appeared on her desk after the three pegasi were shot down. That was it. The United States of Equestria were no more. It had become the Godless Communist Land of Twilight Sparkle.
“Me, the mare who slept with your mother last night!” Twilight answered, before laughing in Celestia’s ear by forcing her head down the telephone line, despite Twilight using a cell phone.
Celestia and Twilight looked awkwardly at each other.
“Princess, do you have any water?” Twilight asked.
“Bitch, do I look like I made of money?” Celestia answered.
“Yes,” Twilight responded. Celestia was no more. She was now made of money. She had become one with the economy, that mystical cosmic force that nobody understands, but it still governs our lives somehow.
Twilight stared at her hooves. She had vanquished Princess Celestia. She had rewritten reality so many times that she was now reality itself.
If she wanted, she could have Pinkie Pie turn into a banjo,
And that was what happened. Twilight picked up the Pinkie banjo, and began playing UN Owen Was Her, the song aligning with the fact that Twilight Sparkle is now batfuck mental.
Eventually though, Flandre Scarlet came by to take her theme song back, leaving Twilight with nothing. Not even water.
Twilight looked around, before a fairy with a giant moustache landed on her head.
“Wake up! Take a breath! You smell that?! It’s death!” the fairy advised, before disappearing. the Godless Communist Land of Twilight Sparkle was now a lifeless desert. There was no water. There were no nuclear missiles. There were no more ponies, and no more crackhouses. All that was wasn’t. All that is isn’t. All that should shouldn’t.
Twilight Sparkle raised her hooves to the sky, and cried out in impotent rage towards me, the author, for putting her through this.
But that is the thing. I was never in control. Twilight was in control. She relied on me to make decisions for her, and fucked herself over.
I give you a choice Twilight Sparkle.
Restore the land of the United States of Equestria, and sacrifice yourself to the forces of...something. You will become immortal. Ever knowing, but never acting. You will do no harm, and no harm will come to you. There are worse fates.
Or you can come to an unknown land of hairless psychotic apes, where water covers 70% of the planet’s surface, where aircraft play in the skies innocently, and nobody is truly made of money. However, hairless psychotic apes. There are worse fates.
Choose, Twilight Sparkle.
“Uh...which one gets you water?”
All three of them.
“Three?”
The third option is getting a nuclear silo full of water to drink.
“Okay, nuclear silo...”
Twilight looked around. Before her, there was a giant hole filled with water. Clear, cold water. Nothing disturbed its purity. It was perfect water.
Twilight took a small sip. She was now satisfied. Her thirst was over. She could now go on with her day.
Twilight Sparkle wandered into the desert, whistling a theme song that doesn’t belong to her.
Author's Note
What the hell did I write?!
