Fable 2: Equine Hijinks

by DarkParable

Rating: teen
Tags: Prince Blueblood, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Dark, Main 6, Princess Luna, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 4669

"Oh for Shadow's sake Leo Head, why is it all the stuff you left behind happens to blow up in my face?!" Good question oh Hero of Albion, let's find out what odd stuff you're up to this time.

Sparrow, the hero of Albion, embarks upon a grand adventure to find the origins of the pony tail, just why it is that she can't help but stumble across old kingdom stuff that likes to mess with her, and to find new things to kill for fun and profit!

This version of Sparrow is based off of one of my many many many play throughs of the game. This particular instance is an evil and corrupt spell sword. A master of both magic and melee combat who's motto was "Who needs a gun when you can throw lightning about?"

Published 2013-11-15 19:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-29 17:31:32 UTC

Chapter one: Have you seen my dog?

"You're a monster! How can you live with yourself?!"

"They're all dead, how could you!?"

"DEMON!"

Yep, heard enough...

"I hope yo-" The words of that poor little villager with a mouth bigger than his brain suddenly found out why pissing me off could lead to some rather interesting consequences. A small exercise of my Will and the loud mouth suddenly found his mind warped by one of my personal favorites... The Chaos spell.

Now where exactly that villager managed to pull that flintlock pistol from is beyond me, but pull one he did as he spun on his heel to face his fellow hecklers. The grinning white mask with it's purple glow super-imposed over his features drew a startled little cry from the crowd... I suppose it was kind of jarring, seeing that. Never minded much myself. Then again I'm rocking the whole horned look here, so what would I know?

Laughing, my little puppet opened fire and I could feel the responsibility for those deaths washing over me. Felt good, kinda like a warm shower on a cold night. Back on topic however, panic ensued, people died, and the Chaos influenced villager stood there laughing his head off as he did exactly what he'd been bitching at me about. Oh I couldn't wait for the spell to wear off so I could see the look on h- Oh, speak of the devil and he'll pat ya on the head it seems.

Just like that little mister pistol packer snapped out of it, took a look around in confusion, and I watched in amusement as his face fell. It was actually kind cute really... If he hadn't been so annoying I might've invited him back to my place. In any case he fell to his knees and started questioning most everything.

"Who, what...How!?" he asked the air, not noticing as I stepped closer and laid a hand gently on his shoulder.

"You. Killed them. With a pistol." I replied to his rhetorical questions because I could. Not like anyone could stop me honestly. "Sounded like ya enjoyed it too... So, I have one question for you... Seen my dog anywheres? Can't miss him, big black thing with glowing red eyes kinda like mine, ya know."

He just shook his head... I was expecting as much, but oh well. Shrugging I started to walk off but stopped. A slow smile crept over my face as I looked over the dead villagers around me and then back at the broken putz who'd opened his trap a bit too much for my tastes. "By the by..." I started, prompting him to look up with that teary eyed expression most of these folks have when you kill something near them. "You've got some company here who's dying to say a few things to you..." Another spell and away I walked, the screams of terror and pain as the ghosts of his victims rose up to rip him apart at my bidding accompanying me as I strolled away. Music to my ears.

Little Sparrow, the hero of Albion, the one who'd ended Lucion's plots, the will user and sword slinger who'd riser from the depths of death itself to become the most well known figure in Albion... The butcher of countless innocents, a devotee of the shadows and head of their temple. The one who'd destroyed the temple of light and razed Oakvale to the ground. The demon of Albion, a hope turned nightmare... And currently the woman looking for her beloved pet and faithful companion.

Ask anyone who cared enough and they'd tell you everything you'd need to know about Sparrow. She wasn't all that tall really, barely over five feet in height, but she was built like a brick wall. Now to saw she wasn't shapely and a vision of loveliness (she tended to kill those who said otherwise in her presence) of course. She wasn't ugly by any stretch of the imagination on that note, but people tended to forget that in the wake of seeing the horns, cracked and rocky skin, and the deep set glowing will lines that ran over her body. A body she flaunted. She never wore anything from the waste up, her unscarred torso on display for all. Her face was fine featured, framed nicely by her curved horns and her natural beauty augmented by some dark makeup. Her eyes were glowing red, lacking in pupils or irises, and set in an almost permanent expression of perverse joy at the suffering she caused. All in all, one sexily scary lady who had a reputation for sacrificing any husbands she took to the shadows.

Sparrow, the mistress of blades and spells, carried with her a sword known as the Maelstrom. A wicked blade of darkness said to have belonged to a shadow foolishly summoned by a few shadow worshipers. For their insolence and lack of control it slaughtered them, leaving behind it's sword as a warning... A warning that was now carried and put to use by their greatest champion on this world.

Now, if you asked Sparrow, she was just a woman who knew what she wanted and would take it by any means... All that said, your humble narrator has interrupted enough. Back to the woman in question.

For the love of all that's depraved, why was it that whenever I took a step out of any of the more "civil" areas of the world there was always bandits after me. You'd think they'd learn that I'm right there with them in mind set really... But Noooooooo, they must have subconscious death wishes. It didn't matter really, gave me an excuse to get my sword wet.

Speaking over which, the look on that one bandit's face as I ran him through and kissed him was priceless. Tasted horrid he did, but it was funny none the less. Even funnier was what his fellows yelled at me. What stood out the most happened to be "HEY! He was a week from retiring?! What am I supposed to tell his wife and kid?" Well... No clue, same thing I tell mine when I lead them off to the shadows probably.

In any case, I'd still not found my damn dog, little bugger did this every once in awhile. Disappeared and came back smelling of flowers and, ugh, purity. Oh well, long as he was happy I was happy. He'll I'd gone and slaughtered masses just to resurrect the little fella. Course I'd be happy to see him with his tail wagging.

Back to the matter at sword point.

I carefully parried a few blows from a bandit captain, knocking his piece of shit cutlass to the side just enough for it to narrowly avoid my bare skin. Most people though I didn't wear a shirt for some vain reason, nah... I just knew tits made for a great distraction and it did get hot, spending long hours out and about, walking to and fro. On that note I caught sight of where the bandit's eyes wore and smirked, sweeping my hand up my front to draw his gaze up where it belonged.

"Naughty naughty, thinking with little Jim in the middle of a fight..." I said, pitching my voice seductively as I swept Maelstrom up and severed his femoral artery with a quick little cut. Chuckling at my own joke I got back to work, slaughtering these idiots right proper like. A well placed block and a chain of attacks ending in a flourish left one headless. A Blades spell left another impaled by the spectral orange blades and nailed to the earth. Another effort of will reduced another bandit to a charred skeleton as the lightning stripped him of flesh. Another flourish split the final bandit from shoulder to shitter, leaving him nearly in two. Quite fun really, if over quickly.

A brief moment to gather up what remained of their experiences and memories for my own (Oh good grief, one of them had a thing for trees) and another few moments to regret that decision later I set to searching their physical bodies. I rarely found anything really, but sometimes it paid to look. This was one of those times it seemed.

A neat little statuette of something akin to a horse. Never seen an actual horse myself, but I've heard of em. In any case, it looked like some little kid drew it, as cute as it was... Don't judge me or I'll reduce you to ash. Murderous though I be, I am still fond of cute things. Anyways, little horse thing, horns and wings, painted white with a long flowing mane and tail of multiple colors I didn't have names for. Pretty damn neat. Shrugging a bit I made to tuck it into my belt pouch when it moved in my hand and I felt a sharp little prick. I of course did the smart thing... I dropped it with a startled growl of pain and gathered up my will for a fireball.

I never got the chance really, no sooner had it left my hand than I was blinded by a bright flash of golden light and everything was gone.

Celestia stared in contempt at the vile woman before her, unconscious upon her throne room floor. At her side stood her sister, who's own expression was something between reverence and horror at seeing what lay upon the floor. Neither of them spoke for a long while, simply studying the thing that they'd finally managed to get their hooves on.

Finally it was Luna who broke the silence. "Sister... I loath to state the obvious but... It seems that little trap of your's has finally born fruit. Now what will you do with her?"

Celestia frowned slightly, cocking her head a bit as she continued to look Sparrow over. After a lengthy pause she opened her mouth and finally spoke up. "I'd like to kill her... But they tried that once and it only angered her enough to reduce several towns to ash and char. Despite the darkness she revels in there's some good in her. Just look at that canine of her's that has been finding it's way to dear Fluttershy." she sighed softly and shook her head, gathering her thoughts. "Even if we stripped her of her weapon and allowed the elements to try and redeem her as they did Discord she would still have that magic of her's... We cannot bind that as we would a unicorn's. We're simply going to have to hope that Twilight can contain her or we'll have to end her now."

Slowly the solar diarch stepped down from the raised dais on which her throne sat and moved closer to the prone woman, raising her hoof. She held it over the woman's head like a blunted guillotine as she waited for her sister's verdict. She did not wait long.

"Let her live... If the elements could save me from myself, perhaps they can do the same for little Sparrow... Rose would want nothing else."

Unbeknownst to the Hero of Albion (More of a villain) her execution had been stayed for now. She slept on, her mind wandering about through her past deeds as her body was shuffled off to what would be her prison and home for the remainder of her life... That horrid horrid crazy place known as... Ponyville!

Author's Note

This was written on a whim really. If it gets enough interest I'll continue it. If not, then it's safe to assume it'll wither and die... Hopefully the first option is the one that happens lol

Chapter Two: I don't think we're in Bowerstone any more, Canis.

"Oh bend me over and bugger me backwards, that bloody well HURT it did." I muttered to myself as I slowly pulled my sorry carcass into a sitting position. "Feels like that time a troll kicked me in the skull." Apparently they don't take compliments too well... I mean all I did was say it's head'd look nice on my wall. Oh well, either way I woke up with a KILLER headache and, oddly enough, the taste of the good old Gang-green Fairy on my tongue. It's be best for all of us if I don't speak on how I know what that stuff tastes like, or why I know that badgers are really handsy in the morning.

Frowning softly I stretched slowly before going over my normal morning ritual. Boots? In place. Pants? Yep those are there too. Belt and belt pouches? Right were they should be. Decency cover for the sake of keeping ye olde attention getters in place? Tight as ever. Sword? Right were i... I reached back, grasping at the air a few times and coming up empty handed again and again. The hilt of my lovely blood letter wasn't where it should be. Come to think of it I couldn't feel the weight of my harness or the sword itself either. My frown deepened further as I patted my pockets and came up empty. Damn it, my clockwork pistol was gone too. I rarely used the damn thing, but it was the only way to shut those thrice blasted gargoyles up. Just to test things I gathered my will and had to stifle a sight of relief as a simple force spell took shape between my upheld hands. I cycled through the rest of my spells, nodding in satisfaction as each one came at my call. Well, unarmed but still dangerous wasn't the way I preferred to be, but it worked I suppose.

It was as the final spell was allowed to die off that I got the surprise of my adult life... You know, aside from that time I got killed and came back from the dead. That was pretty surprising honestly. Still, popping up all not dead after a bullet through the heart has nothing on suddenly getting an eye-full of a little white horse in a fancy coat... Give said horse a horn and that little kid drawing quality and yeah... I was staring one of those down.

Now the second biggest surprise came when it opened it's mouth and spoke, quite plainly if so poshly I immediately wanted to find out if it'd taste good spit roasted. "Ah, awake I see foul creature. You shall behave or I, Prince Blueblood, shall be forced to handle you most roughly."

Ok... Now I'll admit to finding a few threats amusing, even cutely flattering at times, this though... This was just embarrassing. It only got even more so for the little horse thing as I stood up and crossed my arms. Shadows ire I know I'm a short little shit, but this thing... It came up to my tits. Yeah, try being intimidating when you're a kinda cute, an obvious fop, and shorter than one of Albion's shortest women. Doesn't work. Doesn't work at all. Know what always works though? Stupidity, and this thing apparently had it in spades 'cuz it kept right on talking.

"Oh, by Celestia you are an ugly thing aren't you. Auntie may have said I am to keep an eye on you until those dratted fillies get back from dear Cadence's new empire, but I'd rather be one of those dirt ponies than be associated with something so vile looking." he paused his ranting to stomp a hoof for emphasis, further cementing his place on my personal list of utter prats. "You shall remain here, locked away until such a time that... Twilight Sparkle may she be set upon by timberwolves ...Returns to take charge of you. I warn you now... Creature... So much as move wrong and I shall show you why I was top duelist in my academy days."

Yep... I'd heard enough.

Unfolding my arms I stared him down, knowing just how unsettling I could be. When something with eyes like mine just looks at you and doesn't make a sound it tends to make folks nervous. When something with eyes like mine stares you down, doesn't make a single sound, and slowly draws in more will to accentuate their will lines it tends to make you wish for some brown trousers. When all the previous was done to this little thing though it just blew it off, secure in it's prat-ish-ness and preconceived superiority. Yeah, I was going to rectify that... Or I was before being interrupted by the sudden appearance of a large bundle of black fur, red eyes, and teeth. Big teeth at that. My beloved and faithful fur-ball. Canis, the hell hound. Or so the villagers called him anyways. To me he'd always be my little boy.

Doing his usual act of popping out of bloody nowhere Blueblood suddenly found himself face to snout with a big doggy grin. A grin that stretched wider as I reached down and rubbed at my dog's ears.

Now, not sure if anyone would be aware of this, but my dog has, as I said a moment ago, some really big teeth. Now nothing ridiculous like puppy-buckteeth. Nothing over sized like them big cat things with the daggers in their mouths that some alchemist showed me a drawing of once either. No, he was a big dog and that meant big teeth. Big teeth and dog breath right in your face is enough to give anyone pause of course. This "prince" wasn't an exception to that rule. Didn't help that Canis was the friendly sort and decided to give old Bluebollocs a big sloppy hello kiss.

What can I say, he's a people puppy, I'm just the stab happy woman who owns him.

Watching a horny horse sputter and nearly brain itself stupider with it's hooves in an effort to get dog droll off it's face actually got me to crack a smile, one with pointed teeth of course. Little gift from the shadows to make draining blood easier. Never put them to use really, I get by on potions and celery. Girl's gotta keep her figure somehow!

"Oh YUCK! Help! Ach! Canine germs! Call a medic!" ranted Canis' newest, unwilling, buddy. I couldn't help but chuckle at him now, it was just too funny not to.

"Go play with him boy, but don't eat him. Since he talks I wanna keep him. Always wanted a pack horse." I said as I patted my dog on the head, drawing a happy bark from him as he set off to do as told. He's such a good boy like that. Now, with my would be slave master occupied by slobbery and friendly mutt I went back to what I had been doing before being rudely interrupted by his royal prat-ness.

So, mental rep! No weapons, got my magic and clothes, found my dog and I didn't have to go killing over sized birds to do it this time, and apparently I've been arrested by some form of talking horse that's the size of a large kid... Well at least it couldn't get too much weirder, right?

Somewhere, a dastardly man named Murphy twiddled his curly mustache, adjusted his top hat, and let out a diabolical chuckle as his law was envoked... Bloody tosser.

No sooner had I asked myself that question before my dog came flying right into me with a yelp, from both of us. Blueblood had gotten back to his hooves and that little horn on his head was aglow. Yep, just got weirder. Horses with horns and apparently some kind of minor force spell... Glad I was one sturdy gal, otherwise I'd have been knocked right off my feet. Canis, the lovable lug, was heavy.

On that note, "No more treats for awhile boy, you're getting a bit long in the middle." There, dog properly notified of his growing belly and weight. Tiny horse with the light up facial cock-up unamused and looking about ready to try casting spells again. Yep, not having that. Not at all. Flick of a finger and a bit of will and I directed a minor force spell right at his horn.

It hit like a punch from a hobbe, not particularly hard, but hard enough to sting. I speak from experience there. In any case, summat unexpected happened. The glow went out of his horn, he yelped in pain, and then promptly fell over. Ok... I know he was like some giant walking stuffed doll and all, but that was just too easy. "For shadow's sake... Canis, never let me go and pick up statuettes again boy. Seems something weird always happens when I do... Least this time it wasn't a talking garden gnome."

Canis, being the smart dog he was, wagged his tail and barked an affirmative. This earned him a nice little scratch behind the ears as I took a look out the open and now unguarded doorway. Way too much color out there to be good old Albion. Also quite a few similar little horses in... Armor? Who wore armor any more? watching with what I had to guess was amusement and bordem. Definitely not home... "Canis." I said. "I think this is the last time I ever pick up anything that isn't either edible, a weapon, or a health potion... Because, we obviously ain't in Albion any more." If the little horse things didn't tip me off to that it was the banner proclaiming quite plainly "Welcome to Equestia, kill anypony and I swear I'll show you how to make cupcakes -Pinkie"

Chapter three: Who Lives in a Cave Stuck Under a Tree? I Do Apparently!

So, just for future reference, pissing off the fellow who's meant to be in charge of you is a bad idea. Most of the times this comes with a capital B on bad, but with Blue-bollocks not so much. Now I know I pegged the guy as a total prat, and he was, but apparently I forgot to make not of the fact that he was a fop too. Yep, total foppish prat who also happened to be a bit of a task master when the mood took him. Bloody tosser.

See, once he'd gotten over the head ache I gave him with that little force spell of mine, he got right down to laying down the law on my horny carcass. Get your brain outta the gutters, there's shit there. Apparently he'd been placed in charge of me until some six slick shits showed the sorry mugs back in town. A prospect I laughed at really. I mean seriously, if Lucian's overseer couldn't break me and death itself couldn't keep a hold of me, what was he going to do? I really wished I hadn't asked him that aloud as I now found myself suspended upside down and spinning fast enough to make my ponytail crack like a whip.

"Let!" I was spun around a few more times, "ME!" There's another couple rotations! "DOWN!" Me and my big mouth got me dropped on my head. Bugger all, some people are way too literal, apparently little horse things too. I'd had worse knocks to my brain case honestly, but not when I wanted the world to stop for a tick and lemme lose my cookies over the side. Ugh... Why'd I have to think about vomiting? Unable to help myself I did just that, all over bollocks' nice coat too... That got me spun again.

"Repulsive, vile, contemptuous, wretched thing! How dare you get such a noxious substance on me. Count yourself lucky that Auntie Tia forbade me from harming you or I'd treat you like a blighted apple and throw you to the flames... Though with that... Skin... Of your's you look like you'd enjoy it. May the pits of Tartarus swallow you when you eventually anger my aunts. I know you will too. For now though... You've had enough I think, now go find a dark corner and stay away from the ponies. Not even such dirt dwellers deserve to be subjected to your ugly face."

I'll be honest, through his whole tirade I was too dizzy and nauseous to really pay much attention, but I think I got the gist of it... Murder him later when I get my sword back. Either way, when he dropped me again I just lay there and waited for everything to stop spinning. I did catch the satisfying sounds of my apparent jailer complaining about never being able to get the smell of my stomach contents out of his coat... Serves ya right says I. That'd be how I spent my first day in Ponyville, motion sick and amused.

I'd like to say my next day here was filled with my favorite activities, but it wasn't. Instead of dragging villagers off to feed to the shadows via a wheel of misfortune, there was me sitting in a corner and zapping small bugs with lightning spells. Instead of putting people to the sword for money, there was me, twiddling my thumbs and wondering what barbecued pony tasted like... not that I ate meat really, who wanted to get fat? Instead of romping about with my dog in the great outdoors looking for more things to kill... The was me, sitting with my dog and lamenting on the lack of any of the above activities. Even Canis seemed more... subdued than usual. I suppose that was due to the lack of any rabbits to chase or hollowmen to relieve of their heads. What can I say, he's a loveable mongrel with big teeth.

That's how day two was going right up until noon or so when some purple horny-horse came a-busting into the basement in which I'd been stuck after my adventures with centrifugal force. Now when I say purple, I do indeed mean purple. I believe the proper term for that shade is lavender, but it really just reminded me of the color a lot of the nobles in Bowerstone like to have their coats died. I believe they refer to t as royal purple or something of the sort... I happen to like it because it looks black when you get blood on it. Speaking of black, this one's mane was black too, though the streaks ruined a perfectly good color in my opinion.

"This..." she said "Is the last thing I really need right now. My good mood was ruined when the princess told me about you. Can't even enjoy passing my test..." Well... I take that back, she was grumbling really. Griping would probably be a better word for it.

I just quirked an eyebrow at her and crossed my arms under my tits. Force of habit, Shows em off and gets al the little horn ball villagers to pay attention before I start extorting them or something... Don't judge me. Gold makes the world go round.

"...derstand?" Apparently I'd gone and missed a good portion of her ranting at me, not that I cared mind you. Rolling my eyes I just flipped her the bird. The gesture was of course lost on her, but her rebuttal wasn't lost on me one bit. That horn of her's started glowing and next thing I know I'm upside down again.

"Didn't I just get done saying that you weren't supposed to be casting any magic?" she asked, leaving me hovering near the ceiling. "Well you can stay up there for the night, I'll get Spike to start on converting the basement into your new home in the morning... I'm going to bed."

With that I was officially the world's first shadow worshiping ceiling fixture! ...At least until tomorrow apparently. Yay me...

Now, for those wondering what Canis was up to during all this... Sleeping... Bloody dog was asleep while his owner was being treated like a dead sexy chandelier. Dozy dog... Oh well, dogs is dogs I suppose.