You: Asshole.

by a human

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Other, Sex, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe
Length: 2808

You, a convicted serial rapist, are saved from the electric chair at the last minute by being teleported to Equestria. Sexytimes ensue.

This story is awful. I know. I hate it. But I hate censorship more, so I'm not deleting it. You have been warned.

You, yes you, are one of the nation's most prolific serial rapists. At least until you are tried and convicted. You sit on the electric chair, prepared for the end, but then, at the last second, you are teleported to a magical land full of pastel ponies.

Equestria.

So, of course, you immediately go around town and have your way with the ponies. One after the other. After all, raping is pretty much all you're good at.

But there is one very important thing you did not consider.

What if Celestia found out?

Provides some backstory to this chapter of The Doctor Screws up Equestria, but should make sense on its own.

Published 2014-08-17 08:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-08-17 08:30:02 UTC

A day in the life of you

Roseluck's juices spill everywhere, although this has more to do with her dropping her groceries than you pushing her anywhere near orgasm.

"You know, I've been around a lot," she says. It sounds seductive until she continues. "…so I can say, with some confidence, that you suck at this."

You breathe heavily. "That's just because you're used to ponies."

"No, that isn't it. " She smiles lecherously. "When I say I've been around a lot, I mean a lot."

"Well, ever done a human?"

"No."

"Then you don't understand our ways."

Roseluck shoots you her best 'are you an idiot' stare. "I shouldn't have to think to enjoy you fuck, asshole!"

You smile. "Well, you won't have to think to enjoy… this!"

You think of every erotic moment in your life, preparing yourself for one last thrust. You can feel your cum cucumber welling up and hardening. This is it. This is all you've got. If this doesn't do it, nothing will. With as much energy as you can muster, you jam in as hard as you can and violently release.

Nothing happens.

Roseluck yawns.

"Can I go home now? It's getting late and this is going nowhere."

"Fine, fine," you wheeze. "Leave, everyone leave."

You hope to milk some pity out of the situation, and possibly some other things, but instead she does just leave. You just lie there, feeling pathetic.

How useless can you be? You can't even successfully rape anyone, and that's the one of the few things you're good at.

In your previous life, you were a serial rapist. You had, despite your raving incompetence, evaded police capture for five years. Being an asshole, you frequently bragged of this. This turned out to be your downfall, because one day you screamed it at the top of your lungs in front of a police station and promptly got arrested. Before you knew it, you were in court and tried for a list of offenses so long and complicated that everyone, including you, thought it laughed in the face of probability. Unfortunately, your victims thought otherwise, and their combined testimony gave you the death sentence.

Right as the electric chair operator turned the lever, you were teleported to Equestria.

Although anyone who appears in Equestria and instantly thinks of sex probably has a similar story.

As soon as you arrived, you yearned for that feeling of power and release you got back home, so you quickly got to work harassing, molesting, and seducing the various pastel ponies that came your way. Unfortunately, for you at least, at every attempt you've been met by, at best, indifference.

The only exception so far has been a light cyan pony that quite enjoyed your tender loving, but even then, you got the impression she was masturbating on your face more than having sex with you.

You had to find a target that would at least be intimidated by you, if not aroused, and that left only one option.

– – – –

"Why, exactly, do you want to know where the elementary school is?" the lavender unicorn says. You remember her name is Twilight.

"Um," you say. "No reason."

Unfortunately, she notices your clamminess and makes the connection. "Oh, it's you," she says. "You're that guy, aren't you? The guy that's been screwing everyone and being a nuisance." Then she makes the other connection. "And now you want to go to the elementary school. You sick depraved bastard."

"No, really," you say, "I just want to teach them about… human culture." You can't resist. "Specifically… mating rituals."

"I'm calling Celestia on you," Twilight says and slams her door shut, leaving you to your own devices.

You go around town, asking for directions, but everyone recognizes you and has roughly the same reaction. Luckily, the town is only so big, and you manage to quickly find the school.

You lie in wait behind some shrubbery, waiting for the school day to end. After a couple hours, you begin to wonder. They should have gone out to recess by now, at least.

Then someone clears their throat behind you.

You turn around. It's a large white pony, as big as a real horse in your world, with a horn and wings. Her light, rainbow hair wafts away from her head like it's smoke from a raging fire. Her face is full of contempt.

Celestia. The ruler.

"They were warned ahead of time," she says.

You gulp. She motions to the royal chariot, which is behind her. You both climb in, and the pegasi carrying it take off.

You decide to break the silence. "So, what are you going to do? Take me to the rainbow factory?"

"Dear me no," Celestia replies. "We tried that. You people make shitty rainbows."

"Lock me in the dungeon?"

"The doors aren't large enough, the walls are made of stone, and you hardly seem worth the effort."

"Throw me into a pit of fire?"

"That attracts civil rights groups. Smell of burning flesh. I'm sure you understand." She looks in the distance. "More importantly, it's so last millennium."

"So… what are you going to do?"

Celestia smiles widely. A little too widely. "Give you exactly what you want."

You think about it. "Wait, you can't mean—"

– – – –

You stare at Celestia's raised haunches in utter amazement and confusion.

"You… you cannot be serious," you say.

"Oh, but I am," Celestia says. "Now get undressed."

You can't help but notice the other humans.

"Oh, don't mind them," Celestia says.

It isn't unusual that they are humans, of course, since you're in the human colony. But why were they watching? And presumably against their will?

Celestia clears her throat impatiently and you quickly undress.

"Do your worst," she says, batting her eyes.

You are a bit nervous, with her being a goddess and all, but she wants it, and who are you to deny her? You decide it would be best to start slow. You walk over to to her haunches, consider a course of action, and extend your tongue.

Nothing happens. Nothing whatsoever. It's not like the ponies in Ponyville, who were just unaroused and uninterested in you. She's completely still, like a statue, and no matter what you do, you cannot provoke a reaction from her. Sometimes she lightly shivers, presumably in arousal, but it's so subtle it takes you a while to see it.

After more careful observation, you realize it's in reaction to cries of disgust from the crowd, not anything you're doing.

In spite of this, she's clearly not bored with you. Her face is smug, serene, but bitter. You get the creeping suspicion she's waiting for something.

Unfortunately for you, that moment comes quite quickly.

"That's enough," she says. "Now it's my turn."

"What?" you say, or at least you would have if you had time to react. Before you know it she has you pinned to a wall and is right on top of you. Her large wings stand erect. Her face contorts in some sick caricature of pleasure. She starts using magic to stroke your shaft, a wholly unnecessary move given all the adrenaline and arousal you have built up at this point.

Your heartbeat quickens. You know what's coming.

She thrusts.

You scream, not out of pain or ecstasy, but because the sensation is utterly unlike anything you have felt before. Her movements are quicker than any other living creature's you have experienced. In less than a second, she comes in, her pussy contracts around your shaft, and she comes out. In and out. In and out. In and out.

You try to avoid coming, in order to save your stamina, but at a certain point that's simply not an option. Her speed increases to the point where you cannot see her movements clearly, but you can definitely feel them, and that's all you have time to think about before it happens.

You can't take it anymore and the wave of pleasure spreads through your body. You can feel yourself releasing, and Celestia briefly slows down to collect it all. You attempt to hold back, but that only makes it come stronger. Finally it ends, and you slump, exhausted.

But she doesn't stop. In fact, she goes faster than before, and you can see she is only now beginning to enjoy herself. You don't have energy to do anything but hang there uselessly.

And yet, you come again. And again. And again. You wonder how that's even physically possible, but then it dawns on you. Celestia wasn't stroking your penis earlier. She was increasing your stamina with magic, exactly what she was doing now, making it so you can't stop until she's satisfied.

It dawns on you this might last a while.

– – – –

All the acts Celestia makes you perform on her begin to melt together into some debaucherous blob. You're no longer actively participating, just going along with what she wants and hoping it will end soon.

It, of course, doesn't.

– – – –

After either a half hour or three hours, both possibilities seem equally horrifying to you at this point, you reach your breaking point. It's all you can do to stop from crying. You have no power. You could die during this. She could kill you. It would be easy for her. Like snapping a toothpick. To her, you are nothing but a toy. She can use and discard you as she wishes. No one would be able to stop it.

– – – –

After a while longer, when you can breathe again, you realize it.

You…

You feel…

Almost exactly what your victims must have felt like.

You thought you were going to have a good time with her, but she had other ideas. She lured you in. Tested you. And then took advantage of you. Completely.

She did what you did, but better. Much better. She had perfected rape to almost to an art, and you knew there was only one way to do that.

Experience.

Thinking of the multitudes of victims she must've gone through made you retch. Her power was so great she could have practiced on whole civilizations.

Whole civilizations humiliated, taken advantage of, and destroyed without a second thought.

Entire worlds.

Countries.

It makes you sick.

And now you know the point of this exercise.

You are never going to do it again.

"I… I won't…" you manage to get out. Celestia stops. "I won't… rape again…"

You look up to her face. She has to let you go now, right? You've learned your lesson. That was the point of all this, right? You're going to leave this a better person. You learned your lesson about friendship. It worked.

Celestia smiles.

"Disappointing," she says. "You're already having your epiphany? You're that weak? You have that little faith in your ideals? That epiphany is what I wait for, you know. That's when I know. Whether I kill you or let you go, I know I'm there in your head, always there, sending fear coursing through your body for the rest of your life." She lets out a slow sigh, almost orgasmic. "Oh, how I wait for that moment. Do you know the kind of pleasure that gives me? Do you know the lengths I'm willing to go to amplify it? I can wait years, just so it's perfect. It's the only thing that keeps me civilized, really. Knowing that, if I play by the rules, their contorted faces will become even more beautiful…" She shakes her head. "You might have been wondering how I haven't come once during this. And that's it. It's because I was waiting for that. I'm sure you understand. Having you come so early, and so utterly patheticly is just so, so… disappointing."

At this point her horn is at the nape of your neck, ready at any moment to stab and end your life. You're scared half to death.

"But," she says, taking it away, "don't worry. I'm not going to kill you. Your patheticness is so great it would be a shame to kill you." She smiles. "And I could use some purely physical pleasure for once."

You're about to ask her what she meant by that when your body is suddenly racked by intense pain. You can see her magic enveloping you, and various complicated runes appearing.

Not for long, however, since your sense of sight is the first to go.

You can feel, in the midst of the pain, and probably the cause of the pain, your body changing. The texture of your skin alters, losing its hair and becoming strange, rough, and plated. Your limbs rearrange. New ones grow. Old ones merge together. You're sure you have more than before, but your brain is having trouble keeping up with the increased muscle signals and it's difficult to move in any specific way. Controlling your body in any way becomes impossible. You excrete some type of fluid uncontrollably, but you're not sure how, why, or from where.

At this point you get the feeling the physical transformation is nearly done, and your mind begins to alter to compensate for your new form, whatever it is. Your senses begin to materialize. Your sense of sight comes back, but only vaguely. Instead, you sense the world through new senses that you can somehow interpret but not name. Indescribably, you just know the layout of the world around you, and you can feel the individual heartbeats of everyone around you. You can tell the crowd is murmuring, but it is difficult to make out anything. You can hear words, but they are difficult to interpret, and it is easier to sense, with one of your new, incomprehensibly bizarre senses, the feeling behind the words. The crowd was worried. Scared. For some reason this fills you with relief, and you dwell on their emotions like they are sustenance.

Most notable, however, is your sense of touch. You can feel everything, no matter how subtle, all over your body, and with much more feeling than you thought possible. You realize that under yourself you can feel buildings, and that you have grown much larger than you thought. You try to count the number of limbs you have, but once again can't. What human thought remains in your mind actively prevents you from comprehending your shape. Either way, you can instinctively move them however you want.

You suddenly feel an intense, burning desire to copulate with something. Anything. It's as if your very life depends on it, even though you can clearly feel it doesn't. You won't die without sex, but that's worse, because it just means the burning will go on longer.

You can sense Celestia approaching you. With your new senses it's obvious she is unlike the others. The inside of her body is impossible. It pulls its energy to live out of nowhere, existing in such a delicately contradictory way it can never end. Her mind is tangled, after thousands and thousands of years of foggy memories, somehow distorted in some abominable copying process, into a perfect state of sociopathic madness. You wonder how you ever trusted her in your previous form. She says something. Your ability to recognize syllables is all but gone, but like the crowd, you can sense their intention. You are glad.

It lasts for days. When you finally come, after experiencing such pleasure you never could before, all that's human in your mind is wiped clean.

And you are set in a forest, free to ravage it for as long as your new lifespan lasts.

– – – –

Twilight spread out some documents on her desk. "Spike, could you get a paper, ink, and quills?"

Spike looked confused. "I thought you finished Celestia's homework."

"I was, but this is an extra assignment," Twilight said. "Celestia has put me in charge of the Everfree forest bestiary. Whenever reports of a new monster come in, I cross-reference them and condense them into a form travelers can use." She looked at the documents gravely. "And a report just came in."

"Really?" Spike said. "Can I see?"

Twilight twitched. "No, they're frequently disturbing." That was half true. They usually weren't, but this one was.

As soon as Spike retrieved her writing utensils, she pushed him out and got to work. She wondered from what deranged mind a creature such as this could come from. These reports were sickening. But that only strengthened her resolve. She needed to include the creature no matter what, if only as a warning.

In the back of her mind, Twilight wondered why new species of monsters always tended to appear around when Celestia punished criminals.

Author's Note

Pretty hot, huh?