Day 3 in Equestria,
Your first two days here were rather unpleasant. Waking up in a town solely occupied by rainbow colored magic talking ponies was disturbing to say the least. Finding out they thought you were the devil was even worse. Wielding torches and pitchforks, they chased you around town for god knows how long.
Fortunately, the Elements of Harmony came by and sorted that whole mess out. From what you could gather the Elements of Harmony are the pony equivalent to the Power Rangers or something. Unfortunately, you had to spend the rest of last two days locked up in some library inside a tree, while they tried to figure out how to send you home. After several hours of research and multiple letters to some sun demi-god, you learned that you are stuck here in Talking Pony Land.
The leader of the Pony Power Ranges, Twilight Sprinkles, has offered to let you live in the library if you let her write some anthropological and biological reports about you. With no local currency and no place to go you decided it was best to take her up on her offer.
So here you are sitting on a miniature sofa drinking tea with the Purple Power Ranger discussing human physiology...
“Well that depends on the quality of life and access to medical care. In some areas humans are known for living into their 80s, while other places you're considered lucky if you make it into your 40s. But as a reference I believe the oldest person on record lived to be 112 years old.”
The purple unicorn calmly stirs her tea while a quill and parchment hover in a purple aura just over her left shoulder to her left. “That is very interesting. Princess Celestia currently holds the record in Equestria with 1083 year. Locally Granny smith holds the record with 313 years.”
A thousand year old pony? Magic or not that cannot be true. She has to be bullshit me… Setting your tea cup down, you lean forward giving Twilight a questioning stare, “Are ponies immortal or something? I mean can they not die of old age?”
“Die of old… What do you mean, Anon?”
Is she series? Maybe she is more naive than I first thought? “Well, even with good health and medical treatment human bodies just start failing at some point... We get old and just die.”
You sit there in silence watching Twilight process this information. “I don't think ponies can die of old age. If I recall correctly, the current leading causes of death among ponies are war, and Timberwolf attacks.”
"Timberwolf?"
"It's similar to a normal wolf, except its made of wood. They also have the uncanny ability to reassemble them selves after being destroyed."
"That'ts a little unnerving," you mumble under your breath, glancing out the windows. Better stay inside till I learn more...
As you retrieve your tea cup and help yourself to your fifth cookie, you start to recall high school Astrology. Due to varying orbits different planets traveling at different speeds. An Earth year is shorter than a mars year. If this planet has a shorter orbit than Earth, this could explain how Princess Celery could be that old and still be alive. If Talking Pony Land’s years are only 100 days long then she would only be 270 some odd years old. Still a little outrageous but at least more palatable. “How do ponies measure time?”
“With seconds, minutes, hours, days, years and-”
Waving a half eaten cookie, you interrupt her, “I mean we are both using the units of year but we haven’t determined if a pony year is the same length as a human year.”
A look of realization flashes across the purple unicorns faces, “That had not occurred to me.”
After a quick discussion the two of you determine that the best way to compare units of time is by first comparing the smallest and easiest to measure unit of time, seconds. Directing your attention to a wall clock, Twilight gets up to refill the teapot. It looks exactly like the wall clocks you have seen back on Earth. There's a second hand, a minute hand, and an hour hand. It has numbers 1 through 12 with 5 ticks between number. You watch, patiently waiting for the second hand to move to the 12, Time to begin counting... One one-thousand, two one-thousand…
There is a knock at the door. Through the corner of your eye you see Twilight emerge from the kitchen to answer the door. “Why, hello there, girls! What brings the two of you here today?”
Thirty two one-thousand. Thirty three one-thousand.
You can't see who twilight is talking to but you can definitely make out two painfully high pitched voices “We’re here to try and get our cutie marks as Cutie Mark Crusaders Librarians!”
The disappointment is audible in Twilight's response. “That's… wonderful. But I'm in the middle of re-shelving the books," Twilight steps to the side to give her little guests a glimpse of the library and the twenty odd piles of books sitting on the floor. "I guess you could help me by pulling the remaining books from the shelves. When you are all done count the books in each pile, and we will compare it to the master inventory list.”
You can hear the two guests cheer and proceed to run inside among the shelves of books. Fifty nine one-thousand. Sixty one-thousand. “Okay, Twilight, it appears that both Earth and Equestria have the same measure for seconds and minutes. From the clock it looks like we both have 60 minutes in an hour and 24 hours in a day. On Earth we have 365 days in a year-”
“That's incorrect, Anon.”
“I of all people should know how many days are in a year on Earth-”
“No, Anon. I… I mean on Equestria there are 36 hours in a day.” Wait what? That would mean I have only been here for two days? Being trapped in a library with talking ponies must have messed with my sense of day and night. “Also There are 870 days in an Equestrian calendar.” That make Princess Celery over 3000 Earth-years old. “Anon, how old are you in human years?”
“I’m 25 year old back on Earth. So that makes me.. 8 years old here in Equestria.”
“Umm no. It makes you 7.8 years old. Legally- “
Twilight is interrupted as a pile of books to explode revealing one of Twilight's little guest from before. “Haha! I’m older” declares a marshmallow white filly unicorn. After making her declaration of supremacy, she takes a triumphant pose with a smug look on her face. If she was not mocking you, you probably would have found her quite adorable.
“Sweetie Belle! This isn’t a competition. Anon is a lost and confused human child-”
“Actually I’m a grown adult human. I even have a college degree in Computer Science.”
The mini marshmallow pony cocks its head to the side and asks, “Whats a compooper?”
“Computer. In essence it is an advanced calculator.” Twilight tilts her head to the side joining Marshmallow in a newly founded state of confusion. "Uh, A computer is..." Crap! Ponies don't have computers or calculators. What can I say… Computers are magic Boxes that do math? They do have magic here so it wont be that unbelievable... On the other hand I already told Twilight that humans don't have magic back on earth. Sweetie Belle and Twilight exchanged looks of worry and confusion.. Double crap! I've been quite too long. Brain I could use some help here! Please don't let this be a repeat of that time I panicked while defending my thesis. “A computer is... human stuff... That helps us do math!” Nice recovery brain…
The three of you sit there in silence for an awkwardly long moment before Twilight decides to breaks the silence. “Anon, you mentioned having a college degree. I’m a little curious to compare humans intelligence to ponies’. Would you mind if I gave you a IQ test?”
An IQ test from a talking pony from the middle ages? I have a Masters Degree, this should be simple enough. A good ego stroking may just be the thing I need after three… no two days of this hell “Sure, I’ll -”
A second pile of books explode revealing Twilight's other guest. “Ah wanna play too!” This filly has a yellow coat and red main. Oh, god. Its wearing a pink bow almost larger than it’s head. Its even more adorable than the first one.
After some pleading from the two fillies, Twilight agrees to let them take the IQ test as well.
While Twilight gathers her testing materials you watch pink bowed filly and her marshmallow counterpart run around the room like cats on catnip. Every so often, among the indistinguishable sequels and screeches, you hear something about cutie-marks. From what little you picked up in your time here cutie-marks are some kind of popular butt-tattoo. You can't help but wonder if this is some kind of deep rooted tradition, or some kind of fad.
As soon as Twilight comes back into the room, everything on the coffee table is enveloped in a purple aura. Before you know whats happening all the tea cups, dishes and snacks quickly flies off to a place outside your field of vision. Silently you stair longingly at the place where the plate of cookies once sat as three small wooden boxes take its place. Each box is roughly 3 inches tall 3 inches wide and 4 inches long.
“There are Griffon puzzle boxes. By sliding and rotating the panels on the sides you can manipulate the locking mechanism. Griffons believe ones intelligence can be measured by the time it takes to open one. I believe this will be a helpful stepping stone in gauging your mental prowess. As an incentive I have placed a piece of candy inside each of them.” Taking her seat, Twilight levitates a stop watch, quill and parchment to her side. “For the first test I want the three of you each to open your box as fast as possible. Ready? Begin!”
Before you can even reach down to pick up your box, a white aura envelops one of the other boxes and pops open. “Done!” screeches the white filly.
You can feel your blood begin to boil. “That's not fair! I don't have magic, how am I supposed to compete with that!”
“Calm down, Anonymous, this is not a competition, each score will be tailored to your physical capability and limitations.”
Taking a deep breath you attempt to calm yourself down. Listening to the marshmallow pony eat her taffy is not helping though. After a few more couple deep breaths you are able to steady yourself. Picking up the remaining wooden box you roll it around in your hands hoping to identify which way is up.
Through the corner of your eye you catch a glimpse of Pink Bow lifting her box above her head and then slam it down on the table. With a loud crack the box breaks into little pieces. While she fishes out the piece of candy from the pile of wooden bits, you politely express your protest “What the fuck is that shit?!? You can tell me that's allowed!”
“It was a little unorthodox, but I did not specify how the box was to be opened. Please calm down, the timer is still going.”
As you attempt to control your ragged breathing you watch as the quill dances along the parchment. I don't know what shes writing but it can't be good. Flipping the box over a couple more times you are still not able to make heads or tails of the box. There doesn't appear to be any seams or moving parts on this thing. You look over at Pink Bow brushing off her piece of candy with her hoof. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. Lifting the box into the air you slam it down on the table with all your might. The box breaks with a satisfy crack. Your victory is short lived as pain overtakes your hand.
Flipping your hand over, you find it cover in blood and splinters.
Twilight teleports from her chair to your side in a blink of the eye. “Oh no! Does Anon have a booboo?” You ignore her demeaning inquiry as you fight back tears and childish sobs.
How did that bow wearing whore not get impaled by a thousand little wooden spears?!? While Twilight using her magic to pull out the splinters from you hand you look over at the yellow pony. As she rubs her hooves together to clean them of candy and wooden bits, you hear the unmistakable grinding of metal on metal.Horseshoes... Why didn't I notice those before?
After Twilight finishes bandaging your hand she give the band aid a quick kiss. “There all better.” Before you can remind her you are a grown adult, and don't need to be babied, Marshmallow jumps on the coffee table. “Apple Bloom, we’re smarter than Anon!”
Bull shit! “No your not! You both cheated!”
Marshmallow adopts the biggest shit eating grin you have ever seen. “Fine then, if you're so smart then what’s the capital of Equestria?”
Your jaw drops. Is she serious? “How the fuck am I supposed to know that?”
Pulling her snout out of the wreckage that once was your puzzle box, Bow Pony swallows your candy and nonchalantly states, “The capital is Canterlot, ain't that right Sweetie Bell?”
Well of course she's going to know the capital… Wait, is that quill moving? Is that Purple Power Pony still taking notes? Fuck this shit! Jumping over the table and the marshmallow bitch, you grab the parchment out of the air. “What the hell do you think your writing?”
The room goes silent as you look down at the parchment. All you see on the parchment is scribbily lines. You furrow your brow and turn the paper side ways in an attempt to trying and make heads or tails of what you're looking at.
“Anon,” Looking up from the paper you turn your attention to the now concerned Twilight. “Can you not read?”
“As a matter of fact I can read.” Throwing the parchment across the room you retort, “I just can't read horse!”
“Pony, Anon. We’re ponies. I can go get the chart again if you need.”
Dear Princess Celestia,
The past couple days have been quite eventful. I wanted to thank you for your help and quick replies. It ends up that the human known as Anonymous Unknown, is only 7 years old. To avoid any legal issues I have submitted the paperwork to legally adopt him. When Spike gets back from his visit in Canterlot, hes going to be so surprised and excited to find out hes now a big brother!
Between his temper transoms and his illiteracy I decided it was best to enroll him Miss Cheerilee's class along side Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle. I have hopes that being around other of his own age will help him integrate into our society and customs. When he gets older I believe that he has the potential to be a productive member of society.
~ Your faithful student
Twilight Sparkle
Author's Note
I'm a big fan of the comedic Anon in Equestria one-shots.
After reading so many I decided to try and contribute by writing one of my own.
