Devious Days with The Devil's Daughter

Chapters

A Hearth's Warming Eve's Horror
Pet Projects in Ponyland
Existential Crisis and Draconequus
That Damned Letter
Our Only Danger Is Human Nature

A Hearth's Warming Eve's Horror

Discord floated into the living room, slithered would be a better way to say it. Though its hard to slither in the air, even for the god of chaos. Maybe the tone of floating was slither-y. I don't think that makes sense... But, hey, that's my dad for you. Oh hi. Yeah you. Don't give me that I know you're looking in! Bucking flat-faces... with your noodley... arm... tentacles... Eww. How do you not just kill yourselves whenever you look in a mirror?

Also, not really a living room, more of a blotch of... things. A bunch of blotches of things. Look its not really easy to explain! But there's a couch, which your ultra-sexy narrator is lounging in with a suave, blasé... umm... expression? No, no, that doesn't work... aura! A suave, blasé aura about her! Yes. Nailed it. Heh... Totally smooth Eris...

Uh. Yeah. Anyway, so I'm Eris. Daughter of Discord. Goddess in her own right. Strife and all that. Fun stuff, eh? Right? Umm... What am I supposed to do here... Not really my normal gig... OH! A description! That's what you bitches want and didn't know you needed! Well get ready for the most motherbucking, mind numbing, explosively orgasmic description of your puny mortal lives! Okay. Kay... Umm. Kay! You gaze upon her, lying sensually on a couch with a totally suave and blasé aura about her. You begin your visual ravishings with her tail, a delicate pink tuft flows from a powerful draconic tail with a metaphorical contrast your puny mortal mind can barely even survive! Your eye pass over to her legs for to stall upon one part of absolutely beauty would rot your little heads. OH GODS THOSE LEGS! You scream inside when you see them! They're just that amazing! Trust me. After the initial shock at such pure, unadul...tera...ted... amazingness passes you begin to focus more on the finer, elegant details of those perfect, perfect le~gs. One is a firm goat's leg, with a daintily maintained hoof at the end, you can instantly tell that many, many servants are used to improve the already great perfectness of that hoof. The other glorious leg you see is green! With a claw that screams predator in an uber-sexy way that escapes all vocabulary! Look, umm... I'm not entirely sure what it is... its like a green reptile leg... uh... BUT ITS GODDESS-LIKE AND YOU LOVE IT! YOU LOVE IT SO MUCH IT MAKES YOU WEEP! . . . Your eyes, much to your own lament, move up those legs toNONONO! LECHER! GODS BELOW! Did your mother not teach you manners! Hmph. Mortals. Soooo typical. All you ever think about. . . Your eyes resume their uncontrolled ravishing of the most sexalicous beast you've ever seen... right above where its appropriate. Creeper. Her fur. Oh, her fur, you despair for you may never touch its delicate softness! . . . Its just fur dude. Chillax. You're gaze travels up to her chest where voluptuous breasts are held and you-- *smack* Yeah guys I'm not really sure where these things are from either. But they're awesome! And you don't get to look! Flat-faced pervs... Your hypnotized gaze travels to her arms. One is a lithe griffin's claw while the other is a powerful lion's paw. Both have claws maintained with an artisan's practiced skill. They are painted... eww green? When did that happen?! . . . They are both painted a color that is slowly turning a feminine pink that whispers at something more scarlet and lustful. Yeah... You totally want this... Your gaze once again journeys upward until you see an image which stops your heart. Barely 1% of you can even get your heart to start up again as the others collapse into an early orgasmic death at the sheer beauty of what you see. Yup. That's mah face. Pretty sweet, right? Yeah... Totally sweet. So I'm getting bored of this description thing. Greyish uber-kawai~i pony head with a goats horn and an antler. Hypnotic yellow eyes with red pupils. Gorgeous white locks flow from my head. Hair any stylist will kill themselves just to get the chance to see. So yeah. I mean all in all I'm perfect in every way and you should count yourself lucky to even know of my TERRIFYINGLY BEAUTIFUL EXISTANCE!

"Eris are you doing that inner-monologue thing again?"

My cruel father's voice crashed in around my fanta--err totally accurate description, "What?! No! I don't do that!"

My dad chuckled, "Sure, Honey." Damn him.

Aaanyway. So also in the bunches of blotches there's a hearth's warming tree. Do you capitalize that? You know what screw conventional grammar rules! They tremble at my literary genius! Hmph. Anyway... tree. Hearth's warming tree! Because its hearth's warming eve! Which means one present!

Now look it may seem odd that a mare of my age would get this excited over a simple present but hey, give a gal a break. This is my first hearth's warming present in ever. And the first from my dad in over a thousand years!

Uh. Maybe you flat-faces need some background so see Discord got stoned pretty far back. There was this whole big thing... hostileworldtakeover, you know just some minor issues. Totally blown out of proportion. And so he spent the last little while encased in stone. Held in the lawn of some bloated white marshmallow. Me on the other hoof? I got nabbed a few centuries back. Also stoned. Look don't ask. All you need to know is I was stuck in the middle of the empty desert watching sand dunes rise and fall for CENTURIES! Oh the BOREDOM! At least he had flowers to look at! I mean yeah lawn ornament is pretty demeaning but buck being gawked at by snooty ponies is better than being gawked at by sand! *shiver* I am NEVER going back to Zebrica again in my life!

Soo... presents! I look up at the draconequus before me. Oh ya did I mention that yet? Species: draconequus. Best things ever. I look up totally not ruining my suave, blasé aura, "So, Daddy, did you get me anything?"

"Why yes I did," he smiles down at me with a snaggle-toothed grin. OH YEAH! I FORGOT SOMETHING IN THAT WICKED FLANK DESCRIPTION! I totally have these sweet-flank fangs. Yup!... Not really sure how my dad lost one of his. He refused to talk about it. I wonder if Celestia could tell me... Now that, you know, she's not trying to imprison me or whatever. "I got you a pet!" A pet? I jolt back to the land of the paying-attention. "Now I know you've never had the best luck with pets..." Goldfish died of over shaking. Puppy died of d'aww induced squeezing. Cat ran away. Almost instantly. 'Accidentally' murdered that bucking parrot. I had a lemur once. I don't really remember that happened to Ms. Shugums. I was pretty young. I had a bear... but he kind of attacked and well... that didn't turn out well for him. Look. Point is there's a really long list of bad luck with pets. TOTALLY NOT MY FAULT! But we really don't need to get int-- "And I need you to take extra special care of this one."

"Of course I will!" I say in a casual tone, underlining my general chillaxness, as I sit upright rubbing my claws in greedy excitement.

"Eris I know you've had a hard time adjusting to our new lifestyle and I really want to help you do that. I know I've been a bad example and I want to make up for that"

I smiled at him, "Aww, that sweet. Its okay Dad, I thought you were a pretty great example."

"But that's the pro--"

"So what'd you get me?" I quickly cut him off before he could get into ANOTHER long winded lecture about friendship and balance and blehk.

Luckily he decided to ignore my blatant avoidance. Wisely picking your battles, I see. "Well its called a human. And it doesn't know its going to be yours yet so it might be a little scared." I eyed him with a little confusion. "Oh, I hope we get a fun one!" he shouts as he snaps his fingers.

A rift in reality opens before us of leaving an abyss of pure terror, I totally didn't quickly jump to my hoof/claw. It was more of a casual standing. I swear! Thankfully the abyss quickly closed leaving an odd creature standing before us, holding a clear glass of eggnog. Now, just to clarify, my dear flat-faces, before this I'd never even HEARD of a human. So needless to say this was a new experience for me. I took it in stride. It was a weird looking thing. Its only hair was short, brown and on the top of it's head. It wore a black... Is that leather? Wow. That's grim. Uh. Anyway. It wore a black leather jacket, blue denim jeans and a black shirt. It was also sporting a schazy little collar on its neck. Terrific touch if I do say so myself. Its eyes widened and it quickly gulped down the eggnog it was holding. Smelled a bit like booze. Getting a better look at the shirt it had a cat playing a mini-piano on it. Pretty weird but okay. I don't judge. Whose to sa--

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Screaming interrupted my thoughts. Loud. LOUD. SCREAMING. Gods below what a pair of lungs on that thing!

The screaming abruptly stopped, my dad started up, "Ah now that that's done I--"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Kay. So screaming isn't finished yet! Guess it was just taking a breath. Gggrrreeeaaatttt. Perfect pet dad.

"ENOUGH!" Discord yelled, loud enough to shake the living-room-esque space. The human stared wide eyed in horror. "Now look its hearth's warming eve and You," you could hear the capitalization of the word, "are my present for my daughter, Eris, here. Understand?" It stared without changing its expression. "I think you will make a lovely pet for her and help her adjust to a more civil lifestyle." Civil lifestyle? Is that what he's calling it now? I call it pussy whipped by The-Yellow-Bitch. Oh, yeah... anyway. Its wide eyed expression of horror got worse I'm not sure how, but it did.

I couldn't keep it in any longer. I burst out laughing I think the poor thing was frozen in terror! It was hilarious! "Daddy I love it!" I yelled as I flung my arms around him, wrapping him into a tight hug.

The poor thing slid to the ground wrapping his trippy-noodle-claws around his head. It started screaming about hallucination this, doctor that. Lots of things. Help me. It screamed about medication. therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, even things I'd never even heard of! There was schizophrenia thrown in, some accusations of being demons. Just tons of stuff. Lots of help me I'm hallucinating though. We laughed and laughed and laughed. It even tried to get up I assume get away. Didn't work out so great as Daddy Discord would just snap him back into place.

Eventually it got boring, as even great things do. So we muted him, not all the way mind you just so his screaming wasn't tugging very hard at the ears. It was still worth a chuckle at least to hear his muted whimpering and despair at that cruel, cruel world.

After a good chuckle I looked over at the draconequus next to me. "I got something for you to Daddy," I said with a hand behind my back.

"Oh did you?" He raised an eyebrow with a smile. I don't know why but he always treated it like some weird surprise whenever I got him anything.

"Of course!" I pulled out a small necklace. A muted black string with a small golden apple at the end. There was some small engraving in the gold.

Okay, you claw-noodlers may need a little back story for this. Its okay if you don't know all the details of equestrian history but this is one of the best bits. If not THE best bit. Mostly because it involves lil' ol' moi and the greatest prank ever pulled. By anyone... ever. Seriously. Ever. Okay let me explain. So it wasn't to long after the sky-flanked snit-bags had imprisoned my most loving of fathers in stone. All over some -relatively- innocent humor too! Anyway it took me a while to come up with it. I actually had to hide in sun-butt and moon-butt's courts. Doin' some super secret spy work. Turns out ITS SO TARTARUS DAMNED BORING! It was worth it though. Sooo worth it. Anyway I noticed some things. Mostly that a lot more ponies went to day court over night court. They showered sunny-cheeks with WAY to much attention. Like pouring on flattery like gravy from a ladle bad! It was honestly pretty disgusting when going to such an obviously lesser creature. poor, poor lulu didn't quite get that much attention. It was as obvious as the bitch-blinding-sun during their once weekly mutual court sessions. I still shudder with laughter and disgust at those memories. moon-butt seemed surprisingly unaffected by her lack of attention. I (rightly) assumed she was hiding it. So I came up with a scheme. A scheme I'm very proud of because it took absolutely zero magic on my part yet caused untold amounts of strife! It was so beaut~i~ful. Okay maybe it took a little magic. Just a smidge. All I did was create a gorgeous golden apple with three little words engraved in it.

FOR THE
FAIREST

Okay so I know I ramble a little but bear with me we're going into UBERSTORYMODE! Err. That means flashback time.

~~~~~~~FLASHBACK~~~~~~~
Buck me sideways! I wish I could make that ^plop^ glitter like a gay pride parade!

Okay. Sorry. Story time.

I strode into the sky-butts' mutual day/night court, my head held high as I waited patiently in line. It was a LONG line. It was like a 3 hour line. The silly little ponies around me in line were pretty nervous. I can understand. I mean its speciest and all but hey, the only other draconequus they'd ever known of kind of took over the world a little. (It really wasn't as bad as everypony says! Honest!) The fear did cut down on the waiting time significantly though. I guess they just couldn't stand my smoldering beauty. But hey, whatevs, got the line moving. I spend most of the time chatting up a cute stallion behind me. Boy was he in for some shame tomorrow when he realized the gorgeous gal in front of him was about to RUIN EVERYTHING! MUAH HA H--! *cough* Sorry about that. I really try not to do the evil villain laugh. Partly because I'm the hero and also 'cus the one that laughs like that usually loses. Mostly because I'm the hero. Yes.

Anyway, after waiting for half an eternity it was finally my turn to step up to the throne for my audience. When I stepped forward ms. where-the-sun-doth-shine's eyes bulged. ms. gothic-motif's eyes narrowed. She was the first to speak as sun-butt was slightly flabbergasted. I don't know. I'm not entirely sure. I honestly expected her to go first. Being the obviously better sister an' all. "What are you doing in our court creature," I doubt I've gotta say it, but the last word was spat at me. Oh also, footnote here, all that archaic old-equestrian has been smoothly translated into newer-shinier-modern-equestrian! Yay! No promises on the smooth part. There may be a few minor mistakes or *cough* translation edits. Errors I mean. Yes. Errors.

"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna," I oozed as I made a suave bow. "My name is Eris, I come to thank you for freeing the world or that horrible tyrant, Discord." Those words didn't come easily to me. They were cunts plain and simple for what they did to my dad. 'I'll all be worth it,' I told myself. "The world is truly a better place with Your Highnesses on the throne. I've come to give my personal thanks and the thanks of all draconequus."

"Is this true?" sun-butt finally spoke up, "the draconequus race suffered under Discord's tyranny as well?" loony moony was still glaring at me.

'No, moron.' "While it is true that we did not have it as bad as the other races, being creatures aligned with chaos already. But we are not cruel creatures! We hated the suffering of our friends of other races and indeed even the strangers! And indeed we felt our own suffering during His Reign! We would have risen up to fight along side of you were it not for The Cruel Discord's Dark Magics! For whenever he found one of us he would drain the magic right out of us!" An odd glint showed up in loopy-loo's eyes, something like blood thirsty hunger. Odd coming from a herbivore. I'd bet my last bit she was thinking she could get her grubby-little-hooves on that (fake) spell. On the other hoof the shimmery bitch's eyes had softened with self-indulged sympathy. The other ponies in court had faces ranging from sympathy to confusion. "But even then we would have fought! Were it not for our low numbers. You see there have always been few draconequus in the world, but with The Tyrant draining us left and right our numbers were the lowest they've been in living memory! We couldn't risk extinction. For that we are truly sorry and we offer a gift." It was a bit odd. That carnivore glint had transferred to cake-flanks and poor, poor lulu's expression softened slightly. I smiled inwardly knowing I'd gotten to them both.

Now look, admittedly the whole speech didn't go quite that smooth. But you know what? A lady can embellish! Also who taught you your manners?! You can't interrupt a lady in the middle of her story! Now, no-- SHUT IT! Hmph. Not a lady *unintelligible grumbling*

Yeah. ANYWAY. "A gift? What have you brought me?" I swear it sounded like she was gonna sploosh right in the courtroom. Uck. The little lunatic on the other hoof was casting a sideways glare at her sister.

"Yes, I bring a gift for the princesses of equestria," I made sure the princesses part was heard and pulled out a glimmering, glittery, golden apple. "This little apple is a symbol that represents unrivaled beauty. It should only be held by the most magnificent mare in the land and I offer it to you princess," making sure to look at neither as I said that, "For The Fairest," I said as I tossed it underhand to Luna. It was so cute watching her face change from grumpy to smiling like a school-age filly as she reach out her hooves. I don't think anypony had ever called her pretty before. Not with her much better sister overshadowing her in every moment. It was also pretty cute to watch that filly-ish smile get crushed the moment sunny-smiles caught the apple in her magic. She smiled broadly thanking me dearly for the tribute. I didn't make much of a response. I was to busy watching rage boil within our little lunatic.

"Sister," she spat, "Correct me if I'm mistaken but I believe our guest was passing the apple to me," she spewed out her words like venom from a snake. If I hadn't known better I'd swear up and down that lulu was literally fuming... Though she is an alicorn so maybe...

What sun-butt said next is what really took the cake I mean really whose actually like that? sun-butt. That's who. "Ah, of course sister," she said and looked poor, poor luna right in the eyes. Her face completely flat. "You were mistaken." She turned away from her and smiled at the crowd. "Next petitioner, please!"

None stepped forward. Hell who would? I hadn't really noticed it until now but every single pony in the room was stock still, frozen in place. I think they knew what was coming, That sun blinded fool was the only one self deluded enough not to.

Luna screamed. A full bodied scream that spoke of years of pain and rage. Amplified by the royal canterlot voice it was a true terror to behold. And gods it hurt. Nopony moved. The only sound were echos and the lunatic's heavy panting.

sun-screamed turned her head slowly to look at her sister. "Wh-Whats wrong Luna?" her eyes were wide. I smiled.

"YOU ALWAYS DO THIS! YOU ARE SO BUCKING SELFISH. THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU, CELESTIA!!!"

I was pretty sure my hair was blown back at this point, but my smile was wide. silly-celly had a hard time speaking up but she was finally able to, "Lulu--"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" she screamed again, "THIS KIND OF TREATMENT IS OVER!" That last words practically oozed malice. And then poor, poor luna teleported away.

The last alicorn in the room slowly looked to me, her head moving as though locked by rusty gears. She looked into my eyes with horror plain on her face. I looked back into those eyes. "That's for my father." And then I snapped my fingers and teleported far, far away. poor, poor celestia.

~~~~~~~FLASHFORWARD~~~~~~~

I smiled con~tented~ly at the memory and at Dissy's smile at the necklace. It had become a calling card of mine. Daddy had his crazy chocolate explosions. I had my golden apples. They represented by greatest triumph (so far). Without even using chaos magic I had brought on the greatest civil war to rock this little ball of rock. Untold pain, death, and strife! The thought gave me warm fuzzy-es. I'd avenged my father, what more could a mare want in life? Luna spend a thousand years trapped on the moon with her demons, and Celestia spent a thousand years alone in a crowd, haunted by her guilt. It was a good day.

That's also why I was in Zebrica at the time.

Discord looked closely at the necklace, "For the fairest?" He chuckled to an ambiance of quiet human sobs. "You think I'm pretty?" He had an eyebrow raised.

I laughed bodily, nearly falling over. Smooth, Eris. "There's a story behind it, its kind of my calling card. You'll have to ask Auntie Tia about it." Seeing as I literally just told the damn story. Though it is a good story... nah. "I'm sure she'll have TONS to tell you." I giggled. Its not often I giggle but damn its cute. Yu~up. You're really cute, Eris. That's why you're talking to aliens. I quickly crushed that line of though. None of those thoughts tonight.

Dizzy pulled me into a full bodied hug, "Thank you sweetheart. I love it." The smell of cotton candy, chocolate milk, and a little gun powder flooded my nostrils. I assume that the smell of apples and angel wing dust flooded his nostrils but you can never be to sure.

"I'm glad you like it. Now turn around so I can put it on you." He did and I clipped it around his neck. After I did he spent a few seconds smiling at it. That gave me warm fuzzy-es too.

After that we spend the night mostly watching the fire and swapping stories. Mostly catching up. Honestly I did most of the talking seeing as I was free a lot longer. He asked again about my golden apples but I told him he really needs to talk to my aunts about the whole thing. Preferably without the other present. I told him he'd probably get vastly different stories about the whole ordeal and they'd both be hilarious.

Another weird thing he'd started calling the so-so-fancy royal sisters my aunts. I did too, almost immediately. It dripped with to much irony not to touch.

We sat there for a little while longer staring at the flames. Hey, who says chaos gods can't sit back and relax?

Then Discord looked over at my new pet, "I think your human finally stopped."

It had gotten kind of annoying... "Think we should take it to the vet?"

Author's Note

Wow! That flashback got a lot darker than I was expecting! But I can't bring myself to change it one bit. Kind of emotionally exhausting to write. Fwew.

So I started writing this because I was trying to write a different HiE fic, but that character's personality kept getting invaded by a different one. So I decided to get it out of my system and write the invader into a story. And its that human! Back there! Sobbing on the floor... consumed in the grip of existential horror. Also by very real, in your face monster horror. Anyway this is already WAY better than the other fic so I'm just going to stick with this one for the foreseeable future

Let me know what you think! C&C appreciated!

Oh! For any of you who've never heard this- One of Catherine the Great's sycophantic advisers is quoted as saying something along the lines of "We would pour flattery on her so thickly it was like pouring gravy from a ladle." I couldn't find the exact quote online so if anyone can find it and who said it I'll give you some internet points. I thought the quote would be appropriate given Catherine's alleged proclivities.

Pet Projects in Ponyland

Why we were talking my new pet to the hospital and not the vet I could not comprehend. All Dizzy said was 'its not that kind of pet,' in that one voice. I think you all know what I'm talking about. The really annoying one. Fatherly condescension. Yeah, that one.

Before we set out I'd decided to make his dead animal jacket less creepy. When I snapped my claws and turned it into a black cloth jacket he flinched and glared at me. He muttered something about 'expensive,' 'no respect,' and 'fucking demon witch.' I tried to ignore him but he kept muttering until I yelled in his face. Not my proudest moment I admit, but I did promise to change it back later.

The walk to the hospital was... weird. I know that doesn't sound right coming from a chaos spirit but it was weird even by our standards. My shiny-new-pet kept clutching at me as if if he let go he'd fall right through the ground. He'd also been clutching at the walls of building. Whenever I strayed to far from a building wall he'd freak out and clutch at the wall muttering dark things about something called a 'car' and 'screaming metal death traps.' I'd occasionally look around for said horrors only to find a peaceful, idealic street, with snow lightly patterned onto a soothing canvas. It was late at night on Hearth's Warming Eve. There was absolutely nopony on the street. And yet he was still freaking out.

Oh yeah. Figured out he's a male. Do. Not. Ask.

Why. Why were we walking I kept asking myself that question. I'd already asked Discord but he just smiled mysteriously. Like a douche. I'm pretty sure I knew the answer. He's laughing at us. I sighed inwardly.

My sigh escaped outward as we entered an intersection and my shiny-new-pet grabbed onto me for dear life. "Gods, will you chill?!" I said glaring at him.

He glared right back at me, "Oh yeah, lets chill. Says the fucking demon lady."

Daddy Ditsy decided to take that moment to turn around, not even bothering to walk he just slid backwards, "Oh the human speaks to us finally."

My human glared daggers at him to, "Yeah I was speaking a lot for anyone to listen. You remember? Help! Oh dear god! Take me to a hospital! I need medication! Demonic hallucinations have kidnapped me!" He stage whispered those. I'm not sure why. He'd been screaming fine earlier. I rolled my eyes.

"And so we're talking you to the hospital."

"Yeah, finally! After how many fucking hours of you two cuddling on the couch sharing horror stories."

"Hey those are good sto--"

"Aren't you demons only supposed to kidnap people that summon you." He interrupted me. I glared at him. He elected not to notice. "Look I'm not a christian but I'm pretty sure there's a manual for this sort of thing."

"A manual?!" Discord and I burst out at the same time followed by howls of laughter.

He just glared at us. "What kind of manual is there for this sort of thing?!" I half shouted at him between my laughter.

"And why would we follow it?!" Discord burst in after me.

He finally let go of me, I'm assuming to cross his arms and glare at us. He kept his back firmly against the wall. "Yeah a manual for demon abductions! I'm pretty sure there's some rules written some where on a stone tablet or carved out of a fucking mountain. Pretty simple shit. Thou shalt not invade the world of humans. The humans must summon you. Dramatic irony will cause the evil demon summoner to make a fatal mistake. The demon will then take the human to Hell where he will be tortured or raped or killed over and over again. Or maybe sold to other demon to do their house work. That kind of shit!"

We stared at the human's explanation of the rules we were apparently supposed to follow, straight faced until the very end. Then of course we burst out laughing. "That is some sick plop human!" I could barely form the words passed my laughter. "Where do you come up with this?!"

His glare deepened "Hey, I didn't make it up. Its in the bible. And its basically the entire plot of every demon summoning story."

"Sorry to break it to you kid, but we're not demons," Discord chimed in, mirth still infecting his voice.

He groaned, "then what the hell are you?"

"We're called draconequus."

He groaned again, this time adding rolled eyes, "Well that's a distinction without a difference if I've ever heard one."

I started back up with the laughter. Discord wasn't quite sure what to say to that but he smiled anyway. "You were right Dad we did get a fun one!"

He glared at us both as we laughed our asses of. Almost literally. Not a lot happened the rest of the way. It was mostly glares, light laughter and clutching for dear life. It was nice though, the clutching was less panicked. I guess I'd succeed in calming my pet down. Woo! First step to being a good owner! I was pretty proud of myself. I mean yeah it was mostly accidental but I wasn't about to let that stray thought harsh my buzz.

When we finally got to the hospital my human forgot his fear, let go of me and briskly walked up to the receptionist. "Hello," he said looking at the space about a head above her face, "I need a psychologist immediately. I'm having vivid hallucinations and I need some heavy anti-psychotics."

"O-Okay." shuddered out a white mare in a nurse uniform. I bet I could pull that off, I thought to myself idly. Nurse uniforms are always hot. She looked like she was wondering what was hanging above her that was so bucking interesting. I was wondering too, but I couldn't see plot. Then the mare looked over to us. She paled even whiter than she already was. Which was a pretty amazing achievement. She should be proud of herself. I mean really 'cus she'd already paled out from my human. Not that he noticed. Her hoofs grasped clumsily for the intercom. When she finally got it working she stuttered frantically into it. "Y-y-yes I n-n-need sec-curity. And a-a psychologist, asap!" She managed to finish strong I'll give her that. My human seemed a little irked though. If I had to guess I'd be because she put his precious psychologist in as an after-thought.

Dizzy and I just stood around behind him until the receptionist got up her courage. Good on her, "M-m-may I h-help you?"

My human spoke before either of us had the chance. "Yes, you've already helped me. I just need some meds." He was still speaking to that empty spot above her head.

"So whats up with the looking above her head thing?"

He looked back at me and glared. Oh this is gonna be good. "Well, demon, if you must know. I'm having vivid hallucinations." He said that with a blank look, like he expected me to know the answer.

I shot him a blank look back, "Go on..." I said motioning with my hands

He sighed deeply, "Well I'm seeing a white pony nurse. So I'm assuming its a woman. If it is, her face is right here." He pointed to where he'd be looking while talking. "Which means her cleavage should be right there." He pointed at her face without looking. "I don't want to piss of the only help I can get so I'm playing it safe."

Me and Discord had held our laughter in until he'd finished, barely keeping the snickering from elevating. Yup. Hit the target. It was good! Dizzy was literally off the floor laughing. I was clutching my sides barely able to keep standing.

My human groaned loudly, "Sorry about that. I was just talking to my hallucinations." He said it to the space above her head.

"Uhh.... Sir. I hate to break it to you but those are both very real."

I heard another loud groan and then a thunk. He was laying his head on the receptionist's desk covering his face in his hands. Whispering no over and over again. Gods! Best pet ever!

He lifted his head up with a snap. Finally looking the mare in the face with an angry glare. "Well I guess that explains why security is taking so long. You're a hallucination too!" he half screamed in her face. More laughter. "Oh yeah laugh it up, peanut gallery!" I had no idea what that meant but it was still bucking great. "Attention everybody!" he yelled at an alarming volume across the hospital waiting room. "I am having vivid hallucinations and I need a psychiatrist now!" he punctuated the 'now' with a stomp of his foot.

Looking around the hospital I saw the ponies. There weren't a lot of them mind you, but they were all conspicuously busy, running around with clip boards, hurriedly doing paperwork, I saw one stallion furiously reading a magazine like his life depended on it. My human gazed out at it all. I assume he saw the same thing because he let out a deep sigh. He then did a gesture I'd never seen before but for some reason I instantly understood. He looked up at the ceiling, pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezed his eyes closed, and groaned, all in one fluid motion. Discord was laughing again but I was struck with an odd feeling. For whatever reason I knew what that strange motion meant. The thought 'bone-weary-exasperation' floated through my head. I guess I felt sympathy. I moved up to him and gave him I tight hug. He stiffened for a moment then relaxed and returned the hug. "Hey it'll be okay, I'm supposed to take care of you, ya know?"

"How? I've got hallucinations so vivid I can feel them, and now I've got a fucking NMP field in a damn hospital." He sighed. "And for some reason the idea that you're supposed to take care of me doesn't fill me with comfort. It fills me with the fear that you're going to give me concrete shoes and dump my in a deep lake." Even though he said that he didn't loosen his grip on the hug... err... on me I guess. I squelched those thoughts quickly though. So it was fine.

Except My Father was laughing again. I guess he heard the concrete shoes schpeal. Wait... The gears in my head turned slowly for longer than I'm willing to admit. I broke out of the hug, took a step back, and looked at him with dead serious eyes. He replied with the same serious look but with a raised eyebrow. "Whats an NMP field?"

Then he ~~smil~~ smirked... kinda. It was a crooked sideways smile that showed off one little fang and few other teeth. It was a good smile. Smirk. Thing. The first smile. We're going with smile. That I'd seen from him. I felt a change in the air. Like a pressure I hadn't noticed had faded. I think it was because of that smile. It spoke things to me in a tainted whispered sort of way. It spoke of past misery and sorrow, defeated, and given way to a new vision. It spoke of the pure joy of finding the absurd in the mundane. Of the endless contradictions in the complexities of the universe and the things that live in it. It said to me "Live is short, the universe is a cruel joke played on us by a laughing god. The only free thing is pain, but we are the captain of our own ship, the masters of our own fate. Your happiness is your responsibility and no one else's, no one else's happiness is your responsibility. You can find your bliss if you work hard enough, but nothing good is free, and just remember, the last laugh is always on you." It was the universe's great, private joke and now I was in on it. I felt... relieved. But at the same time I felt the weight of responsibility fall on my shoulders and it felt... good. Responsibility had never felt good in my life, but it did now. I gave a smile to this odd creature. It was warm but held a hard edge. Something like joy and determination. I think he saw. I think he knew that I knew his joke. He waited for a moment, I assume to let me enjoy this new joke, to let me know that I didn't have to live in my rut any longer. But then it was all washed away into a deeper place inside me and it held firm there. Like a seed growing roots. It was washed away by what he said next.

"Well the NMP field is the most powerful invisibility technology my kind has created. It mean Not-My-Problem field. The bigger your problem the more uninvolved people ignore you. Apparently it works in hospitals too."

I looked down on the blushing secretary who was very intent on her paperwork, I looked at the hurried ponies with their clip boards, I looked at the stallion furiously reading his magazine. And I saw it. A completely normal, mundane hospital and it was absolutely absurd! I mean sure there were a few oddities, us, but we didn't really matter next to the power of the NMP field. And I laughed deeply and he laughed with me. I knew I was going to like this new pet.

I don't think Discord got it. He's never really been one for subtly. He just looked at us with an eyebrow raised. "Did I miss something?"

'Yes, yes you did you old fool! Now I know exactly why all your schemes ended in failure!' But I didn't tell him that, I simply straightened myself out and shook my head sagely. I couldn't shake that crooked smile though. That was there to stay.

Author's Note

In my experience writing comedy is similar to staring at yourself in the mirror. Sometimes you think you look great, other times you look downright awful. But you can never really know for sure. For whatever reason we can never get a good read on our own faces, while effortlessly ranking the faces of others, without even a thought. Comedy is just like that you may write something you think is funny but nobody else catches the joke, and you feel some shame. Like a blushing girl passed over by the boys at prom. Then you write something mundane, without even thinking about it, but the right mixture is there and everyone says its the funniest joke of them all. And then you stare at it in bemused wonder at the random coincidence you created.
So what it comes down to here guys and gals is that I want to write a comedy and I think that Eris and my as yet unnamed human are the characters to help me do it. I hope you'll come with me and give me all your wonderful C&C. I'll even tolerate your verbal abuse! Not that I expect any from you fine, fine people. So let me know what you think is funny and what isn't because I'd really like to know if my face is attractive or not but the only answer comes from external feedback!

So that last little bit starting with the smile. That was weird right? Totally came out of left field for me. Actually this is entire story comes out of left field. I have absolutely no idea whats going on until I write it. I guess that's the joy of writing chaotic characters. Hell I had no idea I would be outlining a bit of my basic philosophy on comedy right there. It just happened. I hope you enjoy it, I really do. Also I hope its enlightening. I'd love to tilt your view point like [unnamed human] just tilted Eris' view.

Existential Crisis and Draconequus

We sat there, in the waiting room, for security to show up. I guess... Oh yeah and the psychologist. But really that was more of an after-thought. I couldn't help but think that robbing this place or going on a rampage would be unrewardingly easy. Maybe that's how they kept the place safe. No that's absurd... Well, you know what, maybe that's why it works.

This wait was bad! Gods below!

I decided I'd take my new master-of-my-own-fate idea and run with it. So I stood up, dusted myself off, and marched to the secretary. "Excuse me, Ms?" The secretary continued her paper work, in a way to focused way. I looked at her name tag. "Ms. Whiteheart?"

She sighed. I guess she figured she couldn't avoid us any longer. "How can I help you." It wasn't really a question. Well. Okay, it was a full on statement. One of those 'Get away from me/I've been in customer service way to long' statements. You've all heard it. I know you have. Yes, I'm talking to you odd, furless cretins-from-the-great-beyond.

I decided to reply sweetly. Yes, yes I know I'm The-Highfalutin-Goddess-of-Strife. But there's something we gods know about that you mortals may not have heard. Don't mess in other pony's bailiwick. See when Big Baddies/Goodies get in fights its usually because somepony got uppity and decided to go mess with somepony else's bailiwick. See that's why Nightmare Moon failed. She invaded auntie tia's bailiwick. And nopony can win against someone with far more know-how. Even know-how beats power. So, uh, anyway. You mortals have made one crazy bailiwick for yourselves. And yes. I'm going to keep using that word until it sticks in your head and you understand it. Also... I like it... Its like the most complex word I know so I've gotta use it... Anyway... Its called bureaucracy. May gods greater than me help us all. It makes me shiver. Now don't get me wrong I've caused some great strife with The-Bailiwick-of-Bureaucracy but damn. My effort doesn't come close to the great mass of suffering, despair, and strife you mortals have created with that magic red tape. Its just so complicated! I mean why would you do this to yourselves?! Aren't your lives short enough without paperwork?! Oh the tragedy! . . . Eh... you bucks can suffer.

Idiots.

I have no idea where I am in my life right now... Oh yeah! I decided to reply sweetly, 'cus I knew that this miss wasn't just a secretary, she was a bureaucrat. And I don't mess with The-Bailiwick-of-Bureaucracy! (fear it). . . I reply sweetly, "Yes, some help would be lovely," gag me with a spoon, "I've been waiting for some help for my pet over there. I'm sure you remember. Kind of loopy. He really needs a psychologist. And I was just hoping for, I don't know, an ETA on when we might get some help?"

"Did you fill in the sign in sheet?" ...that smile...

"Err... No?"

"Gotta fill in the sign in sheet." She had a barely hidden smirk. 'Oooo I'm wanna rip those snarky teeth out!'

"Thanks..." I didn't sound thankful. "Can I borrow a quill and some ink?" Soo I had a though. I'm gonna do that subtle thing. Later. you'll see.

I plopped down next to my dad and my pet groaning, "Gotta do the sign in sheet before we can get help." Dissy laughed at me, my pet sighed.

"Uh... first question. What's your name?"

"Oh its--"

"AH-BUH-BUH!" We both looked at Discord. He had a... face... on... yeah. "You know Eris, since he's your pet you get to name him."

Err... "But, uh, Dad he's already got a name. What if he doesn't like to the new one?"

"PET?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN PET?!"

We both swiveled to look at my human. He... also had a... face... on. Yeah... Not really sure what to call it. Kinda angry. Little confusion. Some weirdness goin' on in that area too... No clue what that is... Uh, anyway flat-faces, I'm, err, sorry about the lame narration. Kinda got a weird thing happening... You know what? I'm going to call it wonky! His face was wonky! That's... that's a word, right?

I guess Dissy had been waiting for me to explain but I think he got impatient seeing as he started speaking an' all. "Yes, you are my Hearth's Warming Eve present to my daughter. Her pet."

"Is that what this stupid fucking collar is for?!" He said, as he slipped a thumb under his awesome collar, tugged it away from his neck, and kinda pointed it at us. He was fuming, it was a little scary. Not that he could do any damage, but still.

I looked between my dad and my human, biting my lip from nerves. I didn't mean to look but I noticed that the ponies around me were very focused on their clipboards and magazines.

My human was glaring daggers at my dad, right across from me. That was fun to be in the middle of. "Uh, guys... lets just calm down for a minute. Ya know? Chillax?" I'm not proud to admit it but that last word came out a little squeaky. Oh shut up you noodle buckers. Yeah, that's right, I know what you do with those weird arm tentacles. Its disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourselves and each other.

. . . Sorry about that noodle buckers, that was a bit mean. It was just... I'm stressed, kay?

Thank you Dues ex Machina! My human laid back against his chair with a huff, and Dissy leaned back with a silent smile, which again thanks a ton, he didn't show my human.

We sat there silently for many many minutes.

Wait. How do you even point a collar? That doesn't seem like a thing... Come on Eris, lets move on, we've seen weirder.

I sighed and started back on that form. It look a while. I wont bore you with the details. Needless to say your beautiful and patient narrator finished the damn thing! Well, almost. I taped at the name line thinking... and then it came to me. Like a lighthouse to sailors! Or sailors to a brothel! Entropy! I shall dub thee Entropy! My loyal pet! He was glaring at the wall facing away from me. We'll get there eventually. I'm sure. Pretty sure.

I sighed at the ceiling and closed my eye. Paperwork really takes it out of a chaos spirit. "Hey that's not half bad." I opened my eyes and sure enough, there was the Newly-Dubbed-Entropy staring at his Newly-Dubbed-Name. "I guess if I really am stuck to a chaos-demon-thingy I'll take it."

I glared at him, "Draconequus." I said in what I meant to be a harsh tone but it came out a lot softer than it should've been. I couldn't stay irked though. I sit for a moment before I realize something. He actually like it! *SQUEE* internal. That was an internal squee. Don't even doubt it!

Entropy was looking at me with a raised eyebrow... Totally smooth Eris... I coughed into my hand, which earned a chuckle from him. I ignored him. As well as my dad peering over my shoulder. "So you really like it?"

"Yeah I think I do."

"So does that mean you'll be my loyal pet!" It... didn't come out as a question... Way. Way to excited. Dammit Eris pull it together!

He just raised his eyebrow. "Uh. Yeah. About that... Does that mean you're trying to make me your slave or something?"

I wasn't quite sure how to respond to that one. So I glanced over at Dissy. Luckily he took the lead. "Not really Entropy. A pet and a slave are two different things. Your pet dog isn't a slave for example." Well that oddly makes sense. I actually wasn't expecting much help, more like convenient stalling.

"Okay but I would still be property, right?"

I chimed in, not wanting my dad to ruin his sense making streak. "Well yeah, I mean, technically." I didn't think he'd like that answer...

He hmmmed. "So basically you've gotta feed, cloth, and take care of me right? Do I get a healthcare plan?"

"Uh... I guess?"

"And I need dental."

"Kay..."

"And an allowance."

"Uh... I don't think this is how this whole pet thing is supposed to go." Needless to say I felt a little off balance.

"Tough shit," I smiled at me, "I'm supposed to be passing around a Christmas ham not sitting around in a hospital with my crazy demon kidnappers." Who smiles when they say plop like that?!

We sat in silence for a while longer. I had no idea what to say to him. I mean, he is my pet. Maybe I can get one of those fancy shock collars with the electric gems.

More silence. I guess it'd have to be me who breaks it. "So..." The silence started to fill back in but I pressed ahead. "Are you going to hate being my pet? Are you going to hate me?"

He looked me right in the eyes and said, "Are you going to take me home?" I wanted to look away. I saw something in those eyes that made me feel... not great. I don't know what to call it, but I steeled myself and held eye contact.

I gave him a sad smile, "I don't know the way." It was true. I've never been great with dimension jumping.

He looked over to Discord, "And you? You know the way home."

"Not a chance, kid."

He groaned and leaned back in his chair. I looked over at him and saw him doing that thing where he pinches his nose. I put my claw on his knee and squeezed it softly. He didn't react. But he didn't tell me to move so I kept my hand there offering my support.

We sat there with more silence. I was surprised when Entropy actually spoke up, "Can I still sue you if you beat me or something? And would that fall under animal cruelty laws or assault laws?"

"I have no idea how to answer those questions..." I looked to Discord. He shook his head.

"We'll have to talk to a lawyer. If I'm stuck here as your pet I want to know where I stand."

"We can do that!" I half-yelled. He flinched. Who~ops. I grinned sheepishly at him. "So..." I hesitated. "You're really okay with being a pet?"

He glanced at me and rolled his eyes. "Not like I have any choice in the matter... but if if means I never have to work another day in my life then maybe it'll work out."

*SQUEEE!* I grabbed onto him tightly. Okay fine. I won't even try to deny that that was out loud. Dissy chuckled behind us.

"C-can't bre-eath."

"Oops sorry!" I let go instantly

The rest of our time was mostly spent in silence. Little conversations popped up here and there but nothing important. Silly jokes were told and despite the tension we laughed together. I was weird, the three of us laughing together, instead of two of us laughing at the other.

Everypony else in the hospital ignored us. Which was nice. OH! That magazine guy was a creeper! I don't even want to think about what he was reading in a hospital waiting room. *shudder*

Oh also! I almost forgot! That bureaucrat ? Remember her? Anyway I put a little chaos juice in her pen. Lets just say when she has a foal there's a pretty high chance they're gonna get a cutie mark in drumming. Very, very LOUD drumming.

The sound of rapid scrambling perked my ears. I looked around but I couldn't see anything. Dissy was looking at a set of double doors so I looked over there too. I'm glad I did 'cus just then the doors swung open and a large stallion burst through them. An' when I say burst I really mean it. He shot out like a cannonball. And promptly tripped. He rolled a few times and ended up in a heap with another large stallion. I'm not sure where he came from but the cannonball stallion didn't run into him or anything like that. The moment they were settled both of them stood up and took a position. I guess more like they took a pose. Cannonball was holding his head high (with a very square muzzle that screamed testosterone) and looking slightly up and to the right. His sidekick, whose muzzle was slightly less square was standing to the left and slightly further back. I refuse to tell you what pose he was holding. Needless to say it was obscene.

Cannonball looked to the ground in front of him. I did the same. There was a pair of broken sunglasses. Aviators of course. His smile faltered. I gained a smile.

"Security has arrived," the lead said, in that tone. "What seems to be the problem?"

The secretary didn't even look up. "Its been handled. You can leave."

The stallions slumped their posture and left, mumbling something about busy 'interruptions,' 'busy schedules,' and 'psych wards.' They passed a scrawnier stallion at the doorway and after some embarrassing scuffling he got through the door. "Entropy. The doctor will see you now. Entropy."

"Hey that's us!" I stood up excitedly and walked over to the pony. I didn't wait to see if my fellows followed. I was surprised to notice that his eyes didn't get wider and he didn't show any form of surprise when he saw us. His frown just deepened.

"Follow me," he turned and walked down the hall, also not checking to see if we followed. "You requested a psychologist correct?"

"Yup that's us," I answered for him.

"Great." Long shift I guess. I rolled my eyes. He didn't notice.

Not much to talk about here. Nothin' really happened on the walk. We're gonna do one of those fancy-shmancy time skips I always see.

~~~~~~~TIME SKIP~~~~~~~

I still need some of that story glitter.

We arrived at the doctors office. Any conversation we tried to have on the way was stifled by gloom.

"Entropy for Dr. Clear Thought." The scrawny stallion announced and walked away.

"Sorry about him," the doctor said to us after he was out of hearing range. A professional smile on his muzzle. "Coffee can only do so much on these long shifts. And I'm sorry about the wait. Its these family holidays, you know? Not enough staff and to many ponies trying to tie that last knot." His professional smile didn't change one bit. "Well? Sit down. What can I do for you?"

"Oh that's fine. We understand it gets busy." I said before I could make a face. My pet had lifted a single eyebrow at some point. I slid into a chair. "You see its my pet here--"

"Pet?" The doctor interrupted with a frown. "Why didn't you take him to the vet?"

"He..." Uh........ "He's not that kind of pet." I said in the same condescending tone my father had used when he'd explained it to me. What? It was all I could think of. "Entropy why don't you take it from here?" I said blatantly passing the buck.

"Oh, right. Yes, Doctor, I'm hallucinating. I need medication."

"I see..." I don't think he did. "What are you seeing."

He didn't miss a beat. "Horrifying monstrosities. Or demonic abominations if you prefer. I haven't really decided yet." I huffed. Discord laughed. The doctor looked confused.

"Okay... Can you describe these hallucinations to me."

My human turned to look me in the eyes and didn't say anything for a full two seconds. "Horns. Horse head. Lion paw. Eagle claw. Goat foot. Lizard foot. Scaly tale." He turned back to the doctor. "Its a big weird jumble. Kinda creepy." I huffed again.

"Umm... right..." The doctor looked even more confused.

"He thinks that we're hallucinations," I chimed in.

"I see..." The doctor seemed to think for a few moments. "Well this is certainly the most interesting case I've seen in a while. Mr. Entropy can I ask you some questions?"

"Feel free, doc."

"Why did you let your 'hallucination' talk for so long when you got into this room?"

"I... uh..." My pet's eyes widened with realization, or shock, I'm not sure." I-- I didn't think of that."

"And you did hear me speaking to your friend here, yes?"

"I did..." My human was deadpanning... I'm not sure if that was good or bad.

"Now, Mr. Entropy, do you see this paper?" He nodded. "This is your hospital sign-in sheet. This is obviously a mare's hoofwriting. You didn't write this did you?"

He was starting to shake a little, it was almost unnoticeable. "N-No." The word barely came out of him.

"Right. Mr. Entropy there is no way that I nor the gentlecolt that escorted you into my office could have known your name without this sign-in sheet. You didn't tell anypony your name did you, Mr. Entropy? You just waltzed in and started yelling about hallucinations. I want you to take this paper," The doctor held the sheet out in front of him with his hoof. My human reached out with shaking hands to grasp it. "I want you to keep that paper. Its physical proof that what you are seeing is real. When ever you feel like you're hallucinating again I want you to hold it and remember today. Can you do that for me Mr. Entropy?"

He nodded shakily, whispering a, "yes," as he lowered his head onto the desk. We gave him a few moments to himself. He pressed his hands onto the top of his head and scraped along his scalp, "Great... Just great."

We got home not long after. Dissy snapped us back. My human told us he liked to be alone during his existential crises. I wasn't sure what that meant but I sent him into a newly created side room. I made it pretty comfortable. I figured he'd need it. It also had a mini bar 'cus I figured he'd need that too.

I noticed he said the word 'crises' as in plural. Had this happened to him before or something? Don't be silly Eris, that's crazy.

Me and Dad spent a couple hours just hanging out. It was nice... despite the fish smell one of his stunts caused. No matter what I did I couldn't get rid of the smell. I think he was doing it on purpose just to spite me. It worked. I was spited.

"Dad, you think I should check on my human?" I said after some silence filled the room.

He shrugged. "He's your responsibility. Do what you thinks best." Verrry helpful Dad. And some say I lack guidance.

"I guess I'll check on him. Hopefully he hasn't slit his wrists yet." I came to the door. "Entropy!" *Knock knock knock* "I'm coming in!" He didn't say anything so I just walked in. He was laying upside down on the couch. As in feet hanging over the head rest and head hanging close to the floor. There was a pretty thick blush on his cheeks. "Heyyy shmexy ladyy." Shmexy? Did he call me sexy? I didn't get my own blush. No sir-ee. "Hows it *hic* hangin'." I rolled my eyes and lost the blush I absolutely never had.

"Hey Entropy. I think you stole my line."

He looked ~~down~~ up at himself and giggled. "I shink I did."

"How are you doing?"

He cracked a huge grin, "I'm hangin' in there." I groaned.

"Come on, dude. Be serious here."

He clumsily rearranged himself on the couch, laying against the far armrest with one leg on the middle cushion and the other splayed out onto the floor. "The booze helps," he said lifting a cup up from... I don't know where... and taking a sip. Behind him or something? Bleh. Whatever.

I sat on the couch next to him and squeezed him on the leg, right above the ankle. "I'll help if you let me." I said smiling at him.

He smiled sadly back. "I don't guess you can shend me home?"

I sighed, "No. Discord could, but I don't know the way."

"Could ya try?"

"Heh, sorry. I'd be kinda like throwing darts blindfolded. Except the dart board in miles wide and its not all in one place. Oh and the bulls-eye is probably underground. It's practically impossible." He groaned. "You really that eager to get away from me?" I let out a half-fake hmph. Not wanting to let him know it (only kind of) hurt. "We've had fun haven't we?"

"Yeah a little. I'm still pretty pissed about the whole leaving me to sob for hours." He glared at me. "Oh yeah and the kidnapping." His glare was interrupted by a hiccup.

I giggled. Covering my smile with my lion's leg I said, "Sorry about that. We really didn't think it'd last that long. Plus I didn't kidnap you."

"Right." He took another sip and stared at the ceiling.

We didn't talk much for a while. I got my self a drink and we just sat together as time passed us by.

Eventually though a thought struck me. "So what was that sobbing about?"

He was looking at the ceiling and didn't turn to look at me. "Well. How would you feel if you suddenly thought that all of your senses were lying to you?" He was looking at me now. "How would you feel if you thought you'd be a schizophrenic for the rest of your life? If the only way to know what was real and what wasn't would be taking emotion numbing, zombifying pills for the rest of your life?"

He was looking into my eyes. I tried to look away but I couldn't. I was feeling something... odd nagging coming from inside me. There was a tightness in my chest and it felt like a sickness was poking its way into my heart. I don't know what to call it. It was... It was bad. I didn't like it. Not one bit. His gaze faltered and he looked down. I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. "I'm... I'm still not sure this is real..."

Oh gods! That feeling got worse! What is this! I have to get rid of this!

It was hard but I didn't let me internal freak out show. I just pulled him close to me and gave him a tight hug. He didn't hesitate returning it just as tightly. "I'm real, Entropy. If nothing else just know that I'm real."

Author's Note

Well it looks like Eris is feeling her first hit of guilt. I had a hard time coming up with a way to describe her feelings. If anyone has a better description they wouldn't mind me using send it to me and I'll put it into the story,

So I've had the human's new name in my head basically since I started this story. A weird, obnoxious thing happened. The moment I introduce him. Actually at the word -him- the name just flew out of my mind. It was awful! I actually had to google "the inevitable heat death of the universe" to remember the name.

This chapter title was inspired by the geniuses over at SMBC Theater
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=137Ei0C3Vdg

That Damned Letter

Benefit number 6,038 of being a chaos goddess. I don't have to deal with hangovers. I mean yeah they hurt when I wake up. But really they only hurt until I snap my fingers and *poof* totally fine. Not that I'm going to tell Entropy about that. Or that I can do that same thing to other ponies. Poor little dude can suffer. I smiled to myself.

"What is that smile for?" Entropy groaned out.

"Wha-?" I admit I wasn't paying much attention. It took me a moment to realize I had been smiling oddly at him. So. So smooth. "Err. I just love the smell of coffee in the morning." Lucky me, my cup was pretty close to my mouth so it was a little believable.

I took a sip, I wasn't trying to hide a blush or anything. Yup.

He didn't even respond. I... think be believed me? Maybe. I need more coffee I thought to myself as I looked into my 3/4s empty cup.

"Hey can you get me a cup of that?" He 'said' with his face mushed into the table.

"Sure... How do you like it?"

"One cream, one sugar."

I fixed him up a cup and refilled mine. The moment I set it down he snatched it up and took a too-big gulp... And his face lit up like a pheonix. "Hot! Hot! Hot! Way to hot!" Idiot. I snapped my fingers, cooling him down.

"That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen," I deadpanned at him.

"I should have stayed in bed," he groaned out, once again with his face mushed into the table.

"But then how would you get your coffee?" He glared at me. I smiled innocently back, pretending not to notice his glare.

He took a normal sized sip and his glare lessened. My smile got bigger. His glare got deeper again before he turned away from me. "What's for breakfast?" Great, Entropy, pretend it never happened.

I rolled my eyes. "Guess I'll make something," I said as I walked over to the fridge. I got a surprise when I opened it. You guys are gonna laugh. I didn't, but Entropy did. I was pretty ticked. The moment I opened the fridge my first present was a geyser of chocolate milk to the face. I was stuck, standing stock still during the entire process. It tasted a little minty. When I could finally hear over roar of chocolate milk in my ears the only thing I could hear was ringing and laughter. "Come on, Dad, its Hearths Warming for gods' sakes." That just brought more laughter. Uuugh. Maybe I should have stayed in bed too. "I'll be in the shower." Chuckles were my only answer.

One mentally rejuvenating shower later I came to the kitchen to see a human eating pancakes, in two inches of mint scented chocolate milk. It hadn't soaked into the carpeting of the next room. For whatever reason it stopped like glass was in it's way before hitting the carpet. I sighed, snapping my fingers to disappear the damn stuff. Now look I know I could have done that with my coat too but I needed the shower for sanity's sake.

"You made pancakes?" They smelt delicious.

"I didn't make 'em," he said while turning around. When he saw me he put on a smirk, "you look pretty good with your hair wet." I blushed. A lot. Not gonna lie. I mean. I know I'm sexy but its nice to hear it, ya know. I... uh... wasn't sure how to respond. 'Luckily' he didn't let me. "You'd be pretty bangable if you were human." Was that a sex thing?! I'd never heard that word before. Fine, aliens, I admit it. Ugh. My face was as red as a tomato. "You want some pancakes?" His smile was too big for his face. The bastard was enjoying my... er... squirming...

Okay look there aren't a lot of dating chances for a young draconequus. Shush. Its not like I'm a virgin or something. I mean I've dated...

"Uh... Yeah, I'll take some pancakes." When I sat down he hoofed over a plate and pointed to the stack of them in the center of the table.

"Blueberry and chocolate. There pretty great." I hummed a yes through a mouthful of them and took a drink of my now-cold coffee. "So your a virgin aren't you?"

And guys, aliens, I did a spit take. I'm not proud of it.

"WH-WHAT?! NO!" How did he--! I mean why would he think something like that?! "I've done it tons of times!"

"Riiiight," he said through laughter. Oooo I wanted to tear that grin off his face.

"Hmph. I've, uh, done it plenty of times."

"Mmhmm," he said with a stupid smirk on his face, "Well then, do tell, Sex Goddess, whats the dirtiest thing you've ever done." He said it through a grin that looked like he was plotting a prank on somepony and I was in on it.

"I, uh... Its impolite to ask a lady something like that!" I glared at him. There wasn't a blush. Swear.

"Mmhmm," he hummed at me.

"Whats... Umm... Whats the dirtiest thing you've ever done?" I bet he doesn't even have a story!

He took a sip of coffee and when he brought it down he had a small smile on his stupid face. "Well I don't think a silly little thing like you could handle the dirtiest thing." If looks could kill... "But one time in high school me and a girl scout had sex in the baptismal font at the local church. Good times." He said it in that casual, blasé tone I'd always tried for.

I mean had.

"Err... Uh... Thats... nice. I guess." He took a bite of pancake.

"So... can ya beat my story?"

"Uh... no." I mumbled at him.

"You know its okay to be a virgin."

Gods this is embarrassing. "How... Umm. How did you know?"

He popped another pancake into his stupid mouth. "Its pretty obvious, Eris. Really only virgins say they've 'uh, done it'." He chuckled.

"I... see..." I'm gonna have to remember that...

We sat in silence for a while just eating. It wasn't a very comfortable silence. I guess it was for him but screw him!

"Oh hey, I almost forgot. You got a letter. It was in the fridge." He hoofed over an envelope with my name written on it.

I noticed the seal was broken. I also ignored the fridge-thing. Bucking Discord. "Did you read this?" I asked him.

"Nope, seal was broken when I found it."

Right... I mean he didn't sound like he was lying. And that is something Dissy would do. I shrugged and opened up the letter.

Happy Hearth's Warming

Oh, I guess you do capitalize that.

I'm sorry I couldn't be there to have breakfast with you. I've got plans with your Aunts this morning before Luna falls asleep. Hint. It involves mint chocolate milk. I found a great holiday brand last week!

Oooo he is so gonna get it!

I made you blueberry and chocolate pancakes. We both know about your luck with pets and chocolate is toxic to some of them. So just make sure its okay for him to eat it before you give it to him. We want this one to last longer than most of your pets!

Lots of love!
Discord

I didn't notice at the time but my claws were white knuckle tight and tearing the paper. "Ch-Chocolate?" How did I not think of this?! "Oh gods!" My heart thumped like a hammer against my rib cage.

My poor pet was looking at me with an eyebrow raised. "Eris, you don't have to--"

"I have to get you to a hospital!" I yelled the moment I got control of my body. I stood up quickly, knocking my chair onto the floor.

"Eris, I can--!"

I snapped my claws and teleported us to the hospital, with his chair, fork with a small bite of pancake on it, and all.

"Help! Help me!"

"Seriously..."

"Its my pet!" That secretary was deadpanning at us. "He ate chocolate!"

"Eris, its fi--!"

"He needs to get his stomach pumped!"

"Eris!"

"Get somepony out here!"

*splot* Everything was silent. I looked at my nose and saw a hand, attached to a fork, attached to syrup dripping pancake. It was on my nose. I tracked the hand the other way and saw a human with an amused smile on his mouth and an annoyed glint in his eyes.

"Eris. I can eat chocolate. I'm not a dog."

"Re-really? So you're going to be fine."

"Yes. Yes I am. And if you'd just listened to me we could still be having breakfast right now."

"I--" I looked around the hospital. Everyone was starring at us. The receptionist was facehoofing. An orderly was glaring at us. I snapped my claws and set us back down in the kitchen immediately.

Entropy looked around for a moment. "Oh good." I took the pancaked fork off my nose, chucked it into the sink, and grabbed a new fork. "Err... you left my chair."

Oops... "I'm not going back there. I'll just make you a new one." I snapped and formed a brand-new, identical chair at the table."

"Great," he said with a sigh, then went back to his breakfast like nothing had happened.

After I cleaned off my muzzle I sat down too.

"That was really sweet you know," my human said from around a coffee cup. "I mean don't get me wrong the hysterics were annoying. But its nice knowing that you'll freak out if I die."

"Err. You're welcome. I guess... I'm just glad I didn't kill another pet."

He frowned. Ooo, maybe I shouldn't have said that. "How, umm, how maybe pets have you killed?"

"I, umm... I have a fully stocked graveyard..."

"I'm sorry what was that?"

"I said my old pets can fill a graveyard..."

He deadpanned me for a full 5 seconds. "Well that's just wonderful."

"I, err... sorry."

"You know, taking care of your own human is a big responsibility."

"Umm--"

"I'm not entirely sure that you can handle it."

"I--"

"You've got to feed them, water them, clothe them, clean them, give them good booze, give them good literature, make sure they don't fall into psychotic fits, keep fast, working internet. It can be very complicated." I'd expecting this lecture from my dad. Gotten it actually, many times. I never expected to get the 'pets are a big responsibility' lecture from my own bucking pet.

Wait... "What was that last one?"

"Oh you need to keep a fast, working internet connection in your house at all times. Speaking of which we need to get a computer." He smiled at me.

"No the one before that."

He tilted his head to the left, just like a dog. "You've got to give me good books. I like to read."

"No, no in between those two. What was that about some kind of fits?"

"What fits?"

I swear I heard something about some kind of fits. It sounded like psychic-murder-fits... That doesn't sound right though... "Err. Nevermind."

"Sure, sure." He had a smile I almost couldn't see.

After we finished breakfast and I snapped through a quick clean up we just kinda hung out on the couch. We chatted a bit, nothing important. Then he brought up something. Something I can only describe as the-most-awesome-thing-of-all-the-things.

"I think we should prank Discord." YES. "You know, to get back at him for that chocolate milk thing?" SO MUCH YES!!!

"Hmm... I like it." I said it in a deceptively casual tone. Wouldn't want him gettin' uppity an all. "What do you think we should do?"

"I think we should fake a death."

"This is a terrible idea..."

"Then why are you doing it?"

"I've already put on running mascara! We're to far in!"

"That's the spirit!"

You might be a little bit lost. That's fine. We all get a little bit lost in life. Its nothing to be ashamed of. It happens.

Oh! Right I bet you're lost about the story! Okay. Yeah I can see that. Its a little complicated. I doubt those little oddly-shaped-heads of yours are to great with keeping track of things. I mean yeah... there was a time skip. But you should be able to string it together! We're pranking Dizzy! And it involves running mascara. As all good pranks do.

Kay, let me set the scene.

I was crouched dramatically in front of the Heart's Warming tree, looking away from the doorway. My face was wet with 'tears' and make up ran down my face like streams. My hair was splayed out covering most of my face. I mean I was looking down already so its not like that was a stretch. But it added some shadow that'd make me look sadder than I was. Entropy was around the corner in the hallway. Waiting as he'd said 'for the lulz.' Whatever that means.

I never figured out why, but every time Dissy gets home he always appears on the front porch and comes through the front door. I don't know why. I always just teleport to whatever room I want to be in. Its weird. But it was good for us. We didn't want him seeing my face in case I couldn't hold that grief-ey face.

Everything was set, the only thing we needed was Discord. So we waited.

And waited.

Then Entropy brought up this little gem. I know, I know, he's a bit slow.

"Okay, Eris, help me out with something. So Discord made those pancakes, and then he put them in the fridge. But they were as warm as if they'd just been cooked. How does that work?"

What a dumbflank. Right? Its just a fridge. A simple time holding spell. I mean I know they're pretty fancy but I can't believe he's never even heard of the damn things!

"Err... its just a fridge. You have fridges where you come from right?"

He deadpanned at me. I don't know why. "Fridges usually keep things cold where I'm from. Not eating temperature. How do you even keep germs from growing on your food if it says warm?"

No clue what that growing yerms line is all about. Weird-o. "Its just a simple time holding spell. It keeps time from passing on the food. Look I know its a bit expensive but I can't believe you've never heard of it."

"Time holding spell... Right. I guess that's a thing here. I don't know why I'm surprised... You know there's no such thing as magic where I'm from?

Wha??? "No magic where you're from? How does that even work?"

"There's just no such thing as magic. I mean there's plenty of people that pretend but its all lies and illusions."

"Gods that's weird."

"... Here's something wierd. Maybe you could enlighten me. If you're a god, why do you cuss by invoking the gods?"

"Umm... Well how else am I supposed to swear? 'Oh mortals that's bucked up!' Just sounds stupid, right?"

"That... makes a lot more sense than what I was expecting."

"And what were you exp--?!"

"Sshhh! He's coming!"

Now you all may not know it but I am a wonder~ful actress. Seriously. I am like pro status. Don't believe me? Typical. You worm-toed aliens should trust me more. I mean I am The Goddess of Strife. I've gotta act to do my job! What kind of strife could I sow if I couldn't sneak my way into ponies' lives and mess with them? Not enough. So trust me when I say that I am devious as a changeling.

Anyway. When Entropy shushed me (like a dick) I slipped in some quick eye drops and started sobbing lightly. I clutched at my stomach and tried to pull my whole body into myself. "Happy Hearth's Warming! I'm ho--" Guess he saw me. I smiled at the floor then let out a full bodied shiver and a choked sob. I heard his hoof steps moving to me quickly, "Eris... What happened?"

He crouched down behind me and wrapped his arms around me. I let out another big-shiver when he touched me. I didn't let him see my smile. Hiding my face was a good idea, this was all just to juicy. "Oh Daddy," I 'choked out, "something awful happened and its all my fault." I let my voice falter slightly at the word fault.

"Wha--"

"I should have paid more attention!" I cut him off. "I should have known this was going to happen. This always happens to my pets..."

I let that hang in the air for a few moments. I heard Dizzy start to say something and cut him off before he could, "If only I hadn't taken that shower... I just. I just needed to clean myself up. If I had just stayed and watched him he wouldn't have eaten that chocolate..."

OOOOO!!!! There it is! The big guilt-er! Now just wait for it. . . "Oh Eris!" He clung to me like a leach to skin. "Its all my fault!" Oh good he connected the dots on the chocolate milk. I wasn't sure he'd get it without a bit more explaining. "If I hadn't pulled that stupid prank!"

"It was pretty stupid wasn't it?" Oh Entropy, what per~fect timing, "Don't worry about it Dissy, the rumors of my death were greatly exaggerated." I slowly turned my head to look Dumb-Ditzy in the eyes. OH GODS HIS FACE! It was frozen in shock! Aww, there were the first signs of tears in his eyes. I had a cheshire-grin on my face. I slowly lifted my claw to point at Entropy, standing casually against the wall, one foot on the ground the other against the wall. He was holding a golden apple in one hand.

Discord saw my finger and slowly turned around to see my human, casually alive. "Wh-Wha--"

"Catch," he said through a smile. Then he tossed the apple. Discord didn't move. It hit him straight in the face and then bounced three times along the floor.

Discord was mad at us. He was so bucking mad at us. But it was so worth it. We just sad there on the couch with stupid grins plastered on our faces while he ranted and raved. It was bad. When Dissy asked us why we'd do that cruel a prank my human said for the lulz at the same time I said for this morning.

He did eventually calm down. We were able to agree on no more holiday or morning pranks if there were no more death or horrible tragedy pranks. It was a pretty good deal. Morning pranks are the worst.

Oh! I learned a new word today! Apparently lulz means 'laughter at the expense of others.' Awesome, right?! Humans have some cool words.

Anyway after the big fight things were pretty tense. Dissy eventually saw the humor. I mean I know he gets arrogant but he's a joker at heart. It just took him a minute to enjoy the joke. I'm glad he did 'cus then we were finally opening the presents we got for each other. I wont bore you with the details but I got some pretty sweet ones and Discord seemed to like the ones I got him. I got my pet some new pairs of clothes. Just some blue jeans and plain shirts. It took some effort to get but it was worth it. I also promised to take him shopping to 'get some real duds.' He smiled cutely when I told him. So that was cool.

Oh yeah! Entropy even got me and Discord a gift! I mean, he had to whisper into Dissy's ear to get him to poof the thing into existence. I got a tee-shirt that said 'For The Lulz!' in big friendly letters. He whispered in my ear to poof an exercise head band that said 'Kidnapper' on it. I switched it to 'Foalnapper' and snapped it into being. Dizzy laughed and wore it the rest of the day. I think that kind of pissed off my human a bit but it also made him laugh. So that was a little weird.

All in all it was a pretty good Hearth's Warming. We drank rum and eggnog, played some board games, and had some laughs. Entropy didn't win a single game. He didn't think it was funny, but lets be honest, it was hilarious. At the end of the night he hoofed Discord a letter and asked him to mail it to his parents. I don't know where he got the quill and paper. When I asked he said he found it in the office. We don't actually have an office. Dissy didn't know what he was talking about either.

Whatever.

I'm going to sleep now.

In the middle of the night I heard a knocking on my door. "Uuugh! Go away!"

"Eris, I'm coming in." It was my dad. This is strange was my only thought. Oh yeah, that and I want to bucking sleep.

"What are you doing, Dad?"

"Well, I read your pet's letter?"

I groaned, "Why?"

"I was curious. It was keeping me awake." Okay yeah I probably would have done the same thing. "I think you should read it."

I slapped myself a few times to wake up. "Okay, hoof it over," I said with a yawn. He sat on the bed and gave it to me.

Dear family,
Make sure its only the adults in the room when you read this.

I have been kidnapped. Now don't worry, I'm fine. They haven't hurt me or anything. They're actually not half bad. I mean they can be a bit cruel as far as ignoring my plight. But they aren't really mean. What I mean by that is they haven't gone out of their way to hurt me in any way. In fact they haven't at all. Other than the kidnapping of course. I don't think they want a ransom.

I raised my eyebrow. Yup. This was worth getting up for.

I can't really explain how I vanished in the middle of the Christmas party. I don't really understand it myself. I know you were all looking at me when it happened so I'm sure you're pretty freaked out. I was too. Still am really.

Anyway, I was about to give a speech before I got vanished. I'd like to give that speech.

You are all horrible people.

Err... I was not expecting this.

Obviously not the young ones. Not the cousins or the grandkids. But you adults? You're awful. Aunts, Uncles, Grandma, Grandpa, I can't believe you just stood by during my childhood. You could have stepped in. You could have kept me from the cruelty of my parents, but you didn't. I don't understand why, but it doesn't matter anymore.

To Mom and Dad. I truly do loathe you. You two are the most psychotic people I have ever met. I don't need you in my life. All you could ever give me is pain. If I had any siblings I'd be taking them with me. I suppose it was some twisted fortune that vanished me. I was going to tell you that I never wanted to see you again anyway. I just thought you ought to know.

To all of you, you are my family. You are the people who claim to love me the most. They say blood is thicker than water. That's all manipulative bullshit. If you really cared you wouldn't have treated me like an accessory in your life. I only existed to you when you needed me. You didn't help me when I needed you most.

Let the cousins and grandkids know I'll be taking some time to myself. Tell them I need time 'to figure things out.' When I can I'll get in contact with them.

Goodbye,
Jonathan

Gods...

I felt tears on my face. "What could they have done to him to make him never want to see them again?" I said looking into my father's eyes. "How could they be so cruel?"

He held me tightly to his chest, "I don't know, Honey, I don't know..." I couldn't even imagine my dad doing something so bad that I'd want him out of my life. Gods... What a horrible world we must have taken him from... No wonder he doesn't want to go back...

Author's Note

Let me know what you guys and gals think. Your comments and criticisms are appreciated.

Our Only Danger Is Human Nature

http://s30.postimg.org/ifba5wzlc/Hospital_Waiting_Room.jpg

The sun shined. The birds sang. The bush-tentacles writhed. Morning had come and nature abounded about like bunnies trying to get laid.

Shone? Shined? I don't bucking know. Whatever. It was sunny.

The sound of shrubbery eating one of those birds lofted through the window.

Entropy cringed at that.

Oh! By the way, I got myself a shiny-new-thesaurus! 'Lofted.' Cool word. 'Abounded' is a weird word too. Yup. Getting a thesaurus might be one of my best decisions in a while. That's not sad is it? No... No its just awesome.

Anyyyway. It was morning and we were having coffee. My pet had a hangover that wasn't -quite- as bad as the last one. I mean we had some eggnog... Okay a lot of eggnog but it was Hearth's Warming and that's just what you do. So I'm not worried that his morning hangovers are going to become a regular thing. Or that my human is becoming an alcoholic. Nope. Not worried at all. I mean two nights of heavy drinking is a pretty normal thing, right? That doesn't make you an alcoholic. I mean if that were tru--

"Hey, Eris, your eyes are glazing over again," Entropy said, intruding on my thesauricly influenced thoughts.

"Huh?"

"Oh don't worry about her. That's just her narrating her life."

I shot my dad a glare, "I don't do that."

"I don't know, Eris," Entropy smiled at me while rubbing his temples, "you do it a lot. I can't think of another reason."

"I do--"

"Its nothing to be ashamed of." Discord was smiling at me. A far to innocent smile. Jerk. "We all have our little quirks."

. . . Quirks.

"Yeah, little quirks. For example I got kidnapped by chaos demons and am forced to wear a BDSM collar 24/7," Entropy said it with a glare and a slightly twisted up grin.

"Now Entropy its not a BDSM collar. Its just a collar," Discord chastised.

"Guys!" The both gave me their attention, "I don't narrate my life! I mean... I only do it a little."

Discord deadpanned at me, "You're doing it right now aren't you."

"No! . . ."

"I mean its just breakfast. What would I even narrating about?!"

Entropy deadpanned at me too, "Your super interesting life."

I nearly grew a second head just to glare at them both. I settled on glaring at them one at a time. "I'm not having this conversation."

"Fine, fine," Entropy smiled at me, still rubbing his temples, "Just have it in your head. I know I will." I am never giving him that hangover cure.

"Dad, what are we having for breakfast," maybe food will change the subject. Food usually does that, right?

"A change of subject maybe?" Entropy you snarky bastard. I'm going to murder you. So many times.

"No, no that's just the appetizer," Discord smiled a knowing smile.

"What's the main course?" I groaned.

"General teasing, I hope," Entropy winked at me.

"How about pancakes?" I suggested, more hopeful than my pet.

He ignored me, "Then we can talk about my 'benevolent' master's sexual experiences for dessert! That promises to be uncomfortable for everyone but me!"

"... Pancakes then." Discord said after a few seconds of Entropy smiling at us.

That conversation ended. Thank the gods! And Dissy started on those pancakes. Now, you may be asking yourself, 'Why don't The-All-Mighty-Chaos-Gods just magic up some delicious pancakes?' Chaos! That's why. Dumbass.

Just kidding. Its because the food generally tastes better when we make it. Not that we can't just magic the flavor to be bucking amazing. But something about actually making it just adds a lot to the food.

*Clink*

I looked up and saw some sweet-flank lookin' pancakes, sprinkled insultingly with chocolate. "Thanks Dad," I said ignoring the little joke. If I ignored it it would be less funny.

"Ooh I love chocolate, thanks Discord." They both smiled at me with mischief in their eyes.

Some ignoring happened and we started eating. The conversation was replaced with the sound of noms and sips. Until the end when Dissy piped up, "So Eris, you remember we're doing dinner with the Princesses and Elements today, right?

Riiiight... Forgot about that. Buck me... I wanted to groan but that'd just make it worse. "Of course I remember," my voiced filled with fake cheer, "when are we going to the castle?"

"Oh about 6. You told Entropy right?"

"Are we bringing him?"

"If he wants to come."

We looked at him, "Only if there's more rum and eggnog," he said through an inappropriately stuffed face.

My deadpan was interrupted by Discord, "Of course there will be more! Its for Hearth's Warming after all!"

"Awesome." There were a few moments of silence. "Also are you guys seriously still a monarchy?"

The sound of a record scratch could be heard. "Err. What do you mean?"

"I mean are you guys a real monarchy? Have your royals been legislated into irrelevance? Or do they still have ultimate power? Mostly I'm concerned about being beheaded."

"Why would you get beheaded?"

"Well where I'm from the royals and aristocrats had a fetish for lopping off heads. Which is why we slaughtered most of them way back when." He said it with a casual grin like it was nothing.

"Umm..." Discord was laughing silently. "I mean the princesses have all the power, but they're not really the chop off heads type."

"Right. Right. Its just that pretty much every monarchy gets to the whole mass beheading thing eventually. I'm pretty attached to my head, you see, I wouldn't want to lose it."

"I, uh, don't think that's likely to happen."

"Great! I hope you're right. Just remember since I'm your property any crime I commit is your responsibility." He smiled at me. Menacingly. Or maybe just jokingly. Its hard to be sure with him.

"Wonderful. You'd better behave," I glared at him.

"No promises."

Great. Just great. All I need is more trouble with the 'aunts.'

Although... Some mischief-making could be fun. And maybe I would've even have to do anything.

But gods the last thing I need is more trouble from them.

At the same time I really want it to happen but I really don't...

"Its called ambivalence."

"What?"

"That feeling. Two strong emotions pulling in different directions. Its called ambivalence."

"How did you--"

"You started narrating out loud."

"I did not!"

"Right..."

Sorry freaky-naked-aliens but we're skipping this incredibly boring conversation that you have no interest in.

"Eris," my pet called to me. He was in that weird pose on the couch that he always eventually slid into. With his legs over the top part and his head dangling off the the couch near the floor. "You got any books on this place's history?"

"Why do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

Oh come on. "You know. The thing. How you lay on the couch."

"Oh I don't know. I just slide into it. Call it a quirk," he smiled crookedly at me, "its not like its weird compared to your narrating."

"I don't do it that much!..."

"--And now you're doing it out loud," he continued like I hadn't said anything.

"That didn't happen!" I wasn't blushing.

"Uh-huh."

I stared at him.

"Anyway, you got any history books?"

"Ugh. Let me see."

I snapped my fingers and appeared to a stunned mare at a desk in the Royal Canterlot Library. Ye-ah big caps for that. I rolled my eyes at the name and the mare. "I need an introduction to Equestrian history. Get me something for an adult."

"O-okay. Let me just--"

"Ain't got all day lady," I glared at her.

She scurried off without a word. My glare doing its work to rush her along.

It didn't take her long to come back. She hoofed me a large tome, 'A brief history of Equestria.'

"Now if I can just get your library card so I can check the book out for you?"

I stared at her blankly for a moment, "Sure let me just go grab that. I'll be right back."

"But--" I snapped my fingers before she could finish and appeared before Entropy with the book in claw.

"Here you go. Enjoy." That last word was sarcastic. I'm sure it would be very boring.

"Thanks," he actually smiled when he saw how big it was.

"Sure."

He quickly switched to the couch sitting position of a normal creature and started flipping through the book.

"So--"

"Shh, I'm trying to read."

"Don't be a mule," I gave him a glare he pretended to not notice and walked off.

"Hey Eris," my pet said, popping his head into my room, "So this book says your dad took over the entire world. Whats up with that? Seems kind of extreme."

I groaned. "It really wasn't as bad as everypony says. I mean whats so bad about ending world hunger?"

He flipped through the book for a moment. "Probably the rampant destruction of the universe's physical laws." He gave me a flat look.

I rolled my eyes, "Oh whats so good about those anyway?"

He ignored my question. "So Discords thousands of years old? And whats with the trapped in stone thing for a thousand years? Sounds cruel and unusual."

"Yeah it is. And us draconequus tend to live a long time... I actually spent some time in stone for a few centuries too. I can tell you, it sucks. It sucks so much. I don't even have the words"

"Maybe you can find the words in that shiny new thesaurus you keep not talking about." He teased at me.

More eye rolling ensued. See? Thesaurus-ed.

"Seriously though, what'd you do?"

"Oh, you know, just a little prank," I said with an oh-so-innocent smile.

"Right...You gonna tell me?"

"Not today."

"Fine, I'm going back to my book."

"Hey Eris," my pet said, popping his head into my room, "So this book says the current co-princess tried to take over the world. Whats up with that? Seems kind of extreme."

"Yeah... That ones a lot worse than what everypony says."

"I noticed the entire part in extremely vague."

"Well it is old-sun-butt's sister. Everypony that pays attention knows she made that whole vague thing happen."

"Of course she did," Entropy said it with a sigh. "Seems like some pretty important history to repress."

I started to say something but got interrupted before I could even start. "Whats with the whole thousand year imprisonment thing?"

"It just means really long time. Luna's was shorter, Dissy's was a lot longer than a thousand."

"I see... What kind of historians keep vague time measurements? Idiots?"

"I can't disagree."

"How long was your imprisonment?"

"It was a few centuries."

"Why were you--"

"Not telling."

"Fine." He walked out with a huff.

"Hey Eris," my pet said, popping his head into my room, "So this book keeps talking about the 'Elements of Harmony' are they the people were doing the dinner thing with?"

"Yup that's them."

"So we're doing dinner with people that have imprisoned you, your father, and this Luna chick? And you thought I would be the one causing trouble?"

"To be fair I wasn't actually stoned by them." He smiled something weird when I said stoned. Whatever. "I was in Zebraca at the time. Nothin but desert to stare at."

"So are you gonna tell me what ha--"

"No. For the last time." I shot him a harsh look to go along with my tone.

"Fine," he said walking out with another huff.

"Hey Entropy," I said, popping my head into the living room, "So we're getting ready for dinner. You should probably get ready."

"Already?" He asked, pulling his nose out of the tome.

"Yup... Time flies when you're readying boring books."

"Actually its pretty interesting. Not that you'd understand."

"I--" He was out of the room before I could finish. Bastard.

I decided not to follow him. I should probably do my hair anyway.

He knocked on my bathroom door a few minutes later. "You decent?" He asked through the door.

"Don't know what that means," I waited a moment, "You can come in."

He came in with a roll of his eyes. And then I noticed he wasn't wearing a shirt. My eyes widened a bit. I'd never actually seen him shirtless. Not bad...

"I need a black button up shirt. Think you can magic one up for me?"

"Uh," ignore his chest Eris, just ignore it. "Sure I think I can do that."

*Snap*

"Here you go."

"Thanks," he said slipping it on. I turned around to fix my hair in the mirror. I didn't watch him as his nimble fingers hide away his body... Oh what those fingers could-- NOPE! We are done with that! It shall never be discussed! End of story!

"Your welcome..." I looked around. He was already gone. Damn it.

Not two minutes later he popped back into my bathroom, now he was wearing that black shirt, tucked into a lighter black jeans, a black leather belt with silver buckle were prominently displayed. His black leather jacket completed the macabre-mess. "Gods, Entropy, we're not going to a funeral."

"Okay first off, it very well could turn into a funeral. Second, black is obviously the best color. So shove it. Its not like you go around wearing clothes enough to know."

"Whatever. And whats with all the corpses you're wearing? We're going to see the peace-loving-pony-princesses not to war."

"Leather is very good material," he said a little snooty. "This kind is an obvious display of class and status. Thus why I'm wearing it to a casual dinner with royalty."

"They're gonna freak out when they see you."

He laughed with an enthusiasm that wasn't there before, "I know isn't it great! Its gonna be hilarious and then if anything goes wrong I can accuse them of cultural insensitivity!" He smiled brightly, like there was some sort of genuine innocence in there, "Its the perfect plan!"

"I... You know what that doesn't actually sound half bad."

"Exactly... Its just there's one more thing I need to finish off my outfit." He gave me a beg-y look.

"Whats that?" I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Lots of those today. Weird.

"Okay, I just need a pair of sunglasses. Silver frames, lenses should be small and rectangular."

"Yeah no prob. *Snap* Here you are."

My pet smiled brightly at me and put them on. He gazed into his reflection lovingly. Okay maybe that was an exaggeration. But he looked at himself for a seriously long time. I me--

"Perfect. Thanks, Eris."

"Err... No problem."

He took the sunglasses off, folded them, and slid them onto his shirt collar. He left them there for the rest of the night, just wearing them like a necklace. "Well I'll leave you to it."

When we were finally all ready to leave we gathered up in the front room. Ditzy was wearing a loosely-tied-tie and cuffs. No shirt. Just cuffs around his wrists with shnazy cufflinks attached.

I had my hair properly straightened and flowing down my back. I'd put on an off white evening gown. Not my best evening gown, mind you, I wasn't about to dress up to much for those snotty sky queens. Just enough to say 'I'm a fancy, independent mare who don't need no stallion, and you totally want me.'

Entropy hadn't changed. I couldn't decided if he looked like he was going to plan a war or a funeral.

And so with my pet looking crazy we left.

A servant with perky little flanks escorted us along the hallway. Now don't get the wrong idea. Its just that uniform was meant to show her flanks more than hide them.

Now that I think about it I don't think I've ever seen a castle maid without great flanks... Or a stallion maid. Who handles the hiring policy here? I bet its that Shimy Amour guy. He always struck me as a pervert. I mean come on who's name is Amour? I bet he's having an amour with all the castle maids.

"Here we are. Is everypony ready to enter the Royal Dining Hall?"

"Gods lady, its just dinner." I said, nearly cutting off her last word. "You make it sound like we've been summoned for court." She looked at me blankly for a moment. "Yeah lets get goin'!"

"R-right," she shuddered out quickly. The frou-ey little servant turned around and opened the large, oak doors. It was decorated with depictions of the victory against Discord, of course.

Frou stepped through and announced to-loudly to the ponies already seated, "Announcing Sir Discord, Madam Eris, and Sir Entropy!" sun-butt raised her eyebrow.

I glared at the stupid servant as I walked passed. So loud. "Tia! Luna!" Discord shouted from between the two of them, "Its so nice to see you!"

"Likewise," luna grumbled while pushing him away.

"Its nice to see you again Discord, your daughter as well," celestia said with a poker face. A really good poker face. "Please have a seat, I believe some introductions are in order."

Dissy sat next to the yellow bitch, of course. I sat next to him, and Entropy next to me. Poor Entropy got stuck with Blueblood at his side. That was gonna be funny.

When we were all settled sun-butt couldn't resist speaking, "Eris, whose your friend? I can't say I've ever seen anything quite like him."

"He's--" Then i got interrupted.

"My name is Entropy. I'm a human."

Always with the questions Twilight was the first to ask, "Where are you from?"

"America."

"Where is--"

"Why don't we introduce everypony else to Entropy before we get to much into talkin'?" Entropy let out a grateful snicker and Twilight blushed.

I do not know how a snicker could be grateful but there it is.

"Yes let us," moony chimed in, "I am Princess Luna, this is my sister Princess Celestia. The purple mare with the questions," her blush deepened, "is Princess Twilight, Element of Magic. This is her brother Prince Shining Armor," Ooooh, that's his name, "and his wife Princess Mi Amore Cadenza of the Crystal Empire."

He's still probably a pervert. "Please, call me Cadence." Why else would he marry the 'love' princess. I bet she spreads her love to everypony.

"You are seated next to Prince Blueblood." Who was placed as far away from celly as possible. "And these are the Elements of Harmony, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash." They each have the hello you'd expect. The-pink-menace's was the most annoying, luckily she kept herself seated so she couldn't shove her face all over everywhere.

"Well thank you for the invitation. Its not every day one gets to dine with royalty." His voice held a fake warmth that I'm pretty sure was just him trying to keep his head.

"Please," tia started, "try not to think of us as any different from anypony else."

"If you insist," I don't think he was going to do that.

"Excellent," I think sun-butt thought he was going to, "let us begin our meal." She clopped her hoofs together and a hoard of tight flanked servants burst through the doors. Now that I think about it, armor and amour are in the Crystal Empire now. Maybe its blueblood that handles all the hiring.

A rotund white stallion in a chef's hat stood near the princesses as a servant lined up behind and to the right of each pony, "We shall begin with an appetizer of potato and broccoli soup with your choice of cheese." He waved his hoof and a bowl was placed in front of everypony. "Enjoy." He said it like a command. These high class food ponies are just obsessed with ritual.

Each of the servants had rows of cheese graders that looked like pepper grinders lining their sides and started dishing out their oh-so-fancy cheese. But I'm sure you don't care... Oh who am I kidding? Of course you care! Everypony loves cheese! I went with provolone. Entropy went with cheddarjack. Dissy went with some snooty mixture of alfalfa and puke. blueblood went with blue cheese. His servant kind of sneered at him when he did. I wonder if he realizes he's a stereotype? I doubt anypony has ever been kind enough to tell him.

When the servants finally left the purple one couldn't help but start back up. "So how come I've never heard of your kind?" She had this hopeful look with hints of desperation. Like the three minutes she couldn't have her questions answered was some sort of torture.

I think that Entropy got that. And was enjoying it, "Perhaps you should spend more time at the library." I noticed he was already half way into a glass of eggnog.

"Don't encourage her," A purple dragon said while rolling his eyes.

Oh yeah! I completely forgot about him... Now that I think of it I'm pretty sure loo-loo introduced him too... I mean he's just so easy to forget about! For a dragon, the only dragon in the room... probably the city, that's pretty sad. I bet he leads a sad, sad, little life and nopony cares. I don't.

"I actually live in a library."

She started to say something more but was quickly interrupted. "It seems to have done you a lot of good." I'm not sure if she got that that was an insult but sun-butt did. She didn't laugh but she had one of those mysterious numbered-smiles on. I bet she loves riffing on her students. Which is probably why they always go crazy and try to take over the world.

Don't give me that, we all know she's the kind of pony that numbers her smiles.

Whether or not Twihard got the joke it didn't stop her, "Nevertheless, I would still love to hear more about you."

"I bet you would," he winked at her. I faceclawed. She stared blushing again. Entropy smiled. sun-butt switched to a new numbered smile, and moony started cracking up.

The marshmallow, having loads of practice keeping high class conversations civil, decided to speak up. "Entropy, dear, you simply must tell me where you acquired such high quality faux-leather." I'm sure those loads of practice were delivered at the pillow.

"Faux? You're mistaken, all the leather I'm wearing is real."

Aaaand the conversation stopped and much pale-ing ensued. "H-how--"

"Oh no need to worry, all the leather we use is harvested with full consent of the cows involved. The companies usually offer to pay for the funerals and take the hide years later, after they pass." From what I'd heard about his word I know he pulled that completely out of his flank. I remember the terms 'dumbest animals alive' and 'slaughterhouse' were used. "We use a similar system for organ donations." That didn't really help with the whole paling, loss of appetite thing. Not that it stopped me from eating.

"Y-you eat organs?" Twilight stuttered out.

"Hm? No, not really. They're pretty gross. Sometimes someone's organ will fail but otherwise they're still healthy enough to live. Hopefully a compatible match will have recently passed and their life can be saved."

"How do you even give somepony an organ?" Her hesitation was consumed by some odd hypnotic curiosity.

He shrugged, "ask a doctor. Its not really my area of expertise."

She did not look satisfied. But at least with the murder allegations cleared up eating started again. The conversation fractured now with the sisters desperately trying to talk about anything that wasn't tax code, Rarity trying to comfort the yellow bitch, who did not start eating again, and blueblood annoying the pervert couple with comments that were almost sexist. I wonder if anypony has ever been kind enough to tell him to go to a divorcee club? I mean aren't sexist mutterings what they're for?!

Those kept up for the most part until the chef strutted into the room with his nose held high. "Shall we begin the main course?"

"Yes, that would be lovely." As if through psychic command the hoard of servants invaded the room again. They swiped away dishes, replaced pitchers, sneered at blueblood, loaded the table up with food, and generally made a nuisance of themselves.

"Princess I may present to you..." I didn't listen. I was to busy eyeing one of the hay fry flowers they'd put near me. When he finally finished his rant about food and all the servants were out of the room he left with a new command of, "enjoy."

Entropy reached out for said hay fry flowers and I, being the compassionate and responsible pet owner I am, smacked his hand away, "Ow," he didn't sound hurt but he glared at me, "What was that for?"

"Don't be stupid," I whispered at him, "Those are made of hay."

"What?!" he yelled quietly, "Who makes fries out of hay?"

"What else would a civilized pony make fries out of?" blueblood broke in with an annoying posh tone, "Potatoes? Like some kind of peasant?"

"That is exactly what one should make fries out of. That is what they're supposed to be made out of," Entropy glared at him indignantly.

"Hmph, as I said, we here in the castle are not peasants." I can not describe how painful it is to listen to his voice. But imagine if swarms of the must ugly monstrosities you can think of, shouldn't be to hard for you, were throwing spiked bowling balls at you and while continuously dumping lemon juice onto your shattered body. Imagine that happened for hours. That is how painful each syllable he speaks is.

Now that I think of it maybe that's why cake-flanks put me next to him. What a bitch.

"Every single person where I'm from eats potato fries. Even people who have more money than someone like you could even imagine."

"Well I think that says a lot of about you're race. Nearly as much as wearing something as distasteful as another's skin," he was smirking. Seeing that was about as painful as having one of those spiked, lemon juice coated bowling balls shoved up my flank.

"You know what says more about my race?" He leaned over to whisper in the snob's ear, loomed over him would be more accurate. "When we slaughtered our royalty and aristocracy, even the children." The blue-bastard's smirk fell away and was replaced with barely hidden fear. Entropy sat back straight, "I should tell you about the red rebellions some time, I'm sure it would be very educational for someone like you."

The fool didn't say anything back, which was ironically smart, and my pet smiled like an angel.

Twilight, unfortunately, heard that Entropy would be educating, "What are the red rebellions?"

"Oh just a series of rebellions led by the communists. And before you ask they're a political movement. At the fundamentals their philosophy starts with the argument that needs out weight property rights. They use that argument to justify taking political power and establishing an all-powerful state."

Rarity interrupted the inevitable question with her own, "You make it sound like giving ponies what they need is a bad thing."

"I've got no problem with giving people what they need. But the communists didn't really do that, they caused a lot of deaths wherever they took over. In fact even if the majority of the movement is only trying to do good the problem is that their leaders only goal is to take power for themselves, not to actually help anybody."

"I think this discussion requires a bit more knowledge of your kind to continue," what do you know, sun-butt actually being wise for once. "Would you care to tell us a little about your kind?"

Being the proud new owner of a human I was very interesting in this.

"Sure I suppose I could talk about us. Not our weapons of course," he said with a wink. That armor dude kind of glowered at us. "I guess there are two things you really need to know before you can understand us. The first thing I'll explain with an old legend."

"Thousands of years ago the god Zeus created the first humans with the dust of the earth. He made us with four legs, four arms and two heads. He soon grew to fear our power. He feared that we would overthrow him as he'd overthrown his own father. And so he divided us. He split us into men and women, each with two legs, two arms, and one head. But remember, he only made us with one torso, which only had one heart. And so every human alive today now only carries half a heart in their chest. This leaves us with a void. A void that we can never truly fill without our other half."

"This is where the idea of the soulmate comes from. We all need that one person who completes us. But finding them is very hard and many never do. This leaves us running around doing everything we can to fill that void temporarily. Some fill it the void in very good ways. Creating beautiful works of art, helping other, or doing productive and valuable work. Other find worse ways do fill the void, taking drugs, drinking, over eating, many commit crimes and do horrible things. But the fact remains that everyone is just trying to fill that void."

I nudged him softly and gave him my best supportive smile. "My that's tragic," Rarity said, interrupting the moment I was trying to have.

"It is, of course its just a legend. There's no such thing as a soulmate, and Zeus doesn't really exist, but its a good way to explain the idea. We're just hard creatures to satisfy without love."

"Sounds kind of like a changeling," Rainbow Dash muttered. Everypony but should-get-a-shiner armor ignored her.

"That is very interesting. Thank you for sharing that with us Entropy."

"Oh its no problem at all Princess." Aww... luna looked like she was nursing her own void. I successfully suppressed a chuckle.

"Would you care to explain to second thing?" Twilight said from behind a notebook that she had pulled from somewhere that was probably unspeakable.

"Sure. The next idea is that everybody's gotta sleep at night." Everypony looked blanking at him during the half a second he didn't talk. "Which can't happen if your conscience is badgering you. You see most of us need to think of ourselves as 'not evil.' Now I doubt that's to far off from you ponies. But the interesting thing happens when we get to easing our consciences. I don't know about you ponies but we're very mentally flexible. A human can do basically anything and not feel those mental pangs as long as they can justify it. Anything from eating that cookie you really shouldn't have to mass murder."

So that shiny-dude went back to glowering, along with Rainbow. blueblood looked thoroughly scared.

"Of course the worse a crime it is, and the less its socially accepted it is the harder it is to justify it to yourself. The real danger is when large societies of people believe one horrible thing and crush any argument against it. That's what happened to a country called Germany when they got taken over by a political party called the Nazis. They fed an already angry and desperate people a hateful and violent narrative and crushed all opposing views.

"For a while they stabilized a country fallen on hard times, but as they expanded their power they got more authoritarian. Eventually they started the second world war and the most well known genocide in history. Its jarring to think about it but many of the Nazis thought that the horrible things they were doing were actually a good thing. They had never heard of other arguments because anyone that would accuse them of a crime was simply black bagged. Their heads were filled with delusions of 'the noble destiny of the German people,' bad concepts of glory, and the adoration of the women at home."

"That is horrifying," celly was grimacing. I couldn't blame her, I was too.

"Yes it is. its probably the most horrible thing about us. But it comes from a place of survival."

"Please, do elaborate."

"Of course. You see we're tribal creatures. We evolved in social groups that tended to max out somewhere around 150. Tribes generally had 4 groups that I'll talk about. There was the chief class, the warrior class, the witch doctor class, and the commoner class. The chief dictated social policy and took tribute, and the warriors were his enforcers within the tribe. Now people are generally smart when it comes to our own self interest and we age. So of course the chief knows that eventually some enterprising warrior is going to challenge him for dominance and he's going to win. So how does the chief keep power even as he grows weak from age? How does he pass his position onto his son who may just not be as strong as him? Well, he goes to the witch doctors.

"These are the people that handle the moral beliefs of the tribe. Witch doctor is a bit of a loaded term, but they can be anything from the sophists, priests, propagandists or intellectuals of a society. Basically any group that handles beliefs and social cohesion. Its irrelevant whether or not what they say is true, just that they speak a narrative. Today they are the reporters."

"Anyway, the chief goes to the witch doctors and demands that they preach a narrative of his right to rule. The most common ones are that his family descends from the gods or that he raises the sun." Everypony in the room stiffened at that. Oh gods Entropy pull your foot out of your mouth. "One of the more notable ones is called 'the divine right of kings.' Which said that the king had the creator of the universe's permission to rule and that everything he decreed is what God decreed. This is an example of how dangerous the witch doctor class is. Originally divine right was argued in Europe as saying that the king only had the right to do what God would approve of. They quickly changed this."

"But I'm getting a little off track. The reason the chief would go to the witch doctors is because they had the had the moral authority in the tribe, whatever they said went. So if the chief had the right to rule anyone that challenged him was immediately in the wrong. So even if that enterprising warrior won he'd probably be hated by all and end up banished or killed."

"Now I bet you're asking yourself 'why would everyone just accept the witch doctors' words?' Or 'why would they help the chief like that?' Well because the chief gave them their authority, mostly by killing off the competing witch doctors in the tribe. The enforcers would beat, kill, or force ostracism onto anybody that argued with the witch doctors. Without other arguments they dominated the tribe's narrative, and people would just accept it. The commoners would have to swallow their words."

"That's how we get to the concept of 'The Truth is Tribal.' See its much easier to actually accept the argument rather than to pretend to. And so with a threat hanging in the air humans evolved to have flexible morality. We can change our thoughts based on new justifications instantly. Most of this is socially driven, its based on what those around you believe and your own personal investment in an idea. Most people never realize their beliefs are based on this rather than the truth and rarely notice when the social narrative changes. Most will call you crazy for even acknowledging the change."

"And so with that history in mind its pretty easy to imagine how the horrors of Nazi Germany happened and how easy it is for an unenlightened human to do terrible things with a clear conscience."

Nopony really talked for a while after that. The only sounds that filtered through the air were of silverware, plates, and eating. Oh, also Twilight's insane scribblings. I didn't really know what to think. There was just so much information in there. His world must be absolutely upside down... This has got to be where he gets his sense of humor.

Might I suggest a late intermission.

When conversations, now with a more thoughtful tone, started to bloom the chef decided to interrupt again. "Are we ready for dessert?"

"We are," cake-flanks of course said yes immediately, without hesitation and without even looking around the table to see if everyone was done eating. I mean we were, but that's not the point.

The servants quickly swarmed us like changelings over Canterlot. Everypony surrendered to the invasion immediately, just like changelings over Canterlot. Well everypony except should-have-a-bloody-nose-blue, he was still trying to scarf down more of his oh-so-fancy hay fries. The servants responded with just the right amount of resentful sneering. They all hated him. Down to the last midnight janitor they hated him. Even though I'm pretty sure he hired them all. I'll bet that gratitude vanished the moment he tried to 'seduce' them. Not that the pig is capable of seducing anything. That's just eww.

"Princess, may I present to you a luxurious raspberry cheesecake, sprinkled with rose petals grown in the highest of griffin mountains." The servants placed their dishes in synchronized order. "Enjoy," he commanded. I'll bet she hates that line. After hearing it 3 times a day every day for a thousand years I bet every time she hears it she feels an unstoppable urge to crash the sun onto that idiot's head. I bet one day she's going to snap and do it. Three times a day we all get that must closer to death.

Ooh this cake looks delicious. I took my first bite, and what do you know, it was luxurious. Or whatever.

Then bluebitch started speaking again. He did his best to ruin desert for the two perverts. I'm pretty sure it worked. Which turned his annoying grating into the joyous sound of the pain of those that annoy me. Somepony seriously needs to send him to a divorcee's club. He's send them all straight back into their ex-wives' arms. Boom! All divorce problems solved. Just introduce them to b-bitch for 15 minutes. Maybe less!

I noticed Entropy had picked off all the rose petals off his luxurious-raspberry-cheesecake, insert snobbish tone here, so I swiped them up and started munching on them. Ingrate.

With dinner finally done and conversation dying into satisfied mumbling celestia spoke up, "Would anypony care to retire with me to the tea room?"

A chorus of yes-es followed her. I started to say, "I don't k--" and was immediately interrupted by my stupid, stupid pet.

"That would be lovely," he said him a smile directed at me.

The only good thing about that was that bluebitch declined the invitation.

Author's Note

Well I've got you all a brand new chapter. Longest chapter yet. Also the longest wait yet. I hope if was worth it. Its a bit laden with philosophy but I hope the ideas have been of value to you. Feel free to discuss, disagree, or send me hate mail for the momentary lapse in comedy contained in this chapter. Though please if you'd like to talk about anything regarding specifying political or theological theories please send them to me as a message. Those tend to clog up comment sections but I'm always looking for new arguments.

The concept of everybody having a void in their heart is of course not true. Well its kind of true. Loads of people have that void but it's not some inborn trait of humanity. I would argue that its caused by a lack of love in childhood and early trauma. Fortunately for the afflicted it can be solved with good psychology and lots of love. Unfortunately that requires a lot of work. So give your kids hugs instead of hits!

I realized that I missed the perfect opportunity to say "Rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated" in the last chapter. This horrible mistake has since been rectified.

A piece of good news. I've started thinking about how I'm going to end this story. I have an idea I like, it may change, but we're no longer flying completely blind. Some actual plot might happen, and it may lead to a sequel of vaguely similar yet totally new and interesting happenings. Like rehashed dinner parties. Or bigger, better, existential horrors.