What the F-ck am I writing?
By: Kuroyami Fukaikuro
Ah, what a joy it is to be a writer! To create and destroy as easily as a god!
Author?
Yes?
You're monologuing again.
That wasn't a monologue! I literally spoke to sentences!
Well then, you were starting to monologue.
And you saw fit to stop me?
Yeah. The readers don't care for your batshit insanity. They want the fucking story.
Okay fine, there's no need to curse.
I don't want to hear that from you of all people. Look, let's just start the story. There is absolutely no need for this pointless exposition.
And yet, here it is!
For fucks sake, just start the damn thing!
Fine then! I'm gonna go and set up the plot. You two do your jobs: stare at the Screen and narrate what happens.
'Kay then.
The sun rose slowly over a small... uh... Fuck this, I'm not good at scenery description. You wanna do this?
Sure. The sun rose over a small suburban community in the middle of Maryland. A group of eight people slept in the house at the end of the street.
Oh, look! One of them is waking up.
Little early, isn't it? It's like, what, six AM?
Well, it's him we're talking about.
True. Oh hey, he's cooking- oh. Is that...
Yeah, that looks like a human heart. Could be a cow heart though. Hard to tell from this distance.
Huh. Hey! There's The Author! He's descending from the sky, his black hoodie rippling in the wind, his jeans matching. He lands on grass that's greener than... a... fucking... turtles tit.
The fuck?
It's HARD to be descriptive! You know this as well as I do!
Yeah, but you two are Narrators, so you better shape up and learn how to be descriptive.
OH SHIT!
OH SHIT!
You have got to stop doing that!
What, abusing my omnipresence?
Yes, that! Stop! Please.
Just fucking narrate.
Right... So, The Author walked up to the house. He knocked on the door, alerting the attention of its sole conscious occupant.
The occupant put down the heart he was cooking and went to open the door. Upon opening it, he raised one eyebrow in mock surprise.
"Author," He said, "what are you doing here so early?"
I reply, "I'm here to send you on a new quest."
"What?"
"You heard me, asshole. New quest! New world! New universe!"
"Yeah, but we're still working on that other quest you got us on. We've only collected two out of the six-"
"Hush hush, no spoilers. You're going on this new quest because I say so. And I'm The Author. What I say goes."
"I've heard this spiel before. Are we all going at once?"
"No. You're going first. Wake everyone up."
"Gimme a minute. Make yourself at home," He said, allowing The Author to enter.
The young man turned back inside and went up the stairs before knocking on all the doors that contained his sleeping comrades.
"RISE AND SHINE, FUCKERS!" He yelled. "IT'S TIME FOR BREAKFAST!"
As he returns to the kitchen, I say "That was loud."
"It has to be, and you know it." He said in reply.
Eventually, all the members of the group came down and ate breakfast. As they ate, they all warily glanced at The Author from time to time, observing him as he shared the now confirmed cow heart with the owner of the house.
"So," said one of the group, "what's this new quest about, Author?"
I turn to the only black person in the room and say, "You. You're a Brony, yes?"
"Y-yeah?"
"Guess where you're all going."
His eyes widened with surprise. "Really?"
"Yep. But, unlike before, you're all going one at a time. To let the occupants get used to a human presence."
"And," the owner of the house- Okay, fuck it, I'll tell you his name. Fuck The Author, I'm not gonna keep saying 'the owner of the house'. His name is Nobunaga. Okay? It's Nobunaga Shihuangdi. Anyway, Nobunaga said "what will we be doing in this universe?"
That's rather rude of you, though I suppose we'd have to say all their names eventually. Anyway, I reply "You'll be looking for that universe's version of The Book of Ultimate Knowledge."
"Why? What for?"
"Just find it. When you do, I'll appear before you."
"You created the Multiverse, can't you just make the book appear?"
"This is for your growth as characters," I say with an air of finality. "Now, Nobunaga. Collect your things and meet me outside." I stand up and exit the house.
After a few minutes, Nobunaga joined The Author outside, followed by the rest of the group, whose names will be revealed in order upon their respective entrances to the other universe.
I wave my hand and open the portal in the middle of the street. I snap my fingers and a black Delorean appeared in front of it.
"Get in the car."
"Wait." Nobunaga held up his hand. "I'm not going into another universe without some info. What's the time difference between this one and ours? Since this is apparently a world dominated by equines, will my human form be an issue? And finally-"
"Look," I say, "calm your shit. A day here is worth two in Equestria. You won't need to worry about your form. And about your last question... Don't worry, there are plenty of things to fight in Equestria. opened the passenger door and placed his katana and wooden katana in the seat. Then he entered the car and closed the door.
I lift the car and throw it through the portal.
"And there he goes." I turn to the others and say "Well, I'll see you in a few days."
Hey Author, welcome back.
I didn't see (omitted) on my way in. Did she leave?
Yeah, said she was going grocery shopping or something. Apparently we're out of food.
Alright then. Let's get the real thing started, shall we?
Nobunaga's car sailed out of the portal and into the air over Canterlot. It dipped and began to fall towards the tallest tower of Canterlot, where Celestia stood, preparing to raise the sun.
As she charged her magic, she heard an odd whistling sound. She looked up and, lo and behold, an object of foreign origin was falling towards her. It took her a few seconds to get over her shock, but once she did, she stopped the object in midair, right in front of her. Once she did so, she looked closer at the object, and saw something moving inside.
Her eyes met those of Nobunaga, and they stared at each other for several seconds. Then the side of the object opened, and he came out, attaching a sword to his waist. He held a wooden sword in his free hand and jumped onto the balcony.
"Thank you for stopping the car. If you had not, and it had crashed, I would have been mildly inconvenienced."
"A car? Is that what this is?" Celestia said as she moved the car onto the balcony and allowed it to rest there.
"Yes. What are you to this land?"
"I am the Princess, co-ruler with my sister."
"I see."
"And what are you? What is your name, and what are you doing here?"
"Rather generous with the questions, aren't you? I am a human. My name... is of no matter to you. My purpose is to recover an object my, shall we say, employer wishes to obtain."
"Will your search harm any of my citizens?"
"If they do not get in my way, then no harm will befall them. Why? In most cross-universal situations such as these, the leader immediately imprisons the dimensional traveler until some situation proves the traveler is trustworthy."
"I am much more patient than that. Well, if you have no intention of harming anypony, you have my permission to search."
"And what of your citizens? If they see me, they will likely not respond in cheer. They will likely get in my way. And as I have stated before, only those who stay out of my way are safe."
"You think yourself a threat to me?"
"I have the potential to be a threat to many things. Even if you could stop me - and I'm not saying you could - who's to say I wouldn't kill a few guards first, you know?"
Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Are you threatening me?"
"Pft- hahaha, hahaha! Oh, Princess, do not think of me as so uncivilized as to threaten you upon our first meeting. No, I am not threatening you."
"Then what are you doing?"
Nobunaga's mirthful face suddenly turned serious. He walked towards the railing of the balcony and sat on it, his eyes closed as if he pondered what to say in response. Finally, he opened his eyes and said, "I am warning you." He leaned backwards and disappeared over the edge.
Celestia gasped in shock and rushed to the edge in time to see Nobunaga's descent. As he neared the ground, he flipped and landed in a crouch. Some nearby ponies gasped and shouted in shock, and some guards began to approach him.
Nobunaga turned his head and locked eyes with Celestia. He smiled, then turned to the guards. He transferred his wooden sword to his left hand and drew his katana with his right.
"And, here we go!" He yelled as he jumped towards the guards.
End of Prologue.
