Khaine's Day Off

by DrAngryslacks

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Spike, Comedy
Length: 5376

The Eldar think their Avatar of Khaine should take a break in Equestria; he agrees. Heresy ensues.

Being a god of war isn't easy. Especially when your patron race is dying out, someone bigger and better has long overshadowed you and you feel like and have been shattered into a million pieces. Even when the concept of time is mostly irrelevant to you, sometimes you just wish that you could go somewhere for the day and relax without having your soul devoured by the Great Enemy.

Fortunately, a land of little ponies can do just that, whether they like it or not.

*this W40k crossover contains Eldar, heresy and Eldar heresy with just a hint of insanity for good measure. Enjoy*

Published 2013-11-18 02:00:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-18 02:00:04 UTC

Khaine's Day Off

A single structure stood erect in an isolated meadow far from prying eyes. The hook-shaped building had only seconds before uncloaked itself, its translucent runes and markings reflected by the violet light of the late night sky.

A dozen flashes of light appeared around the Webway Gate and faded just as quickly. Four Bonesingers immediately pulled out their instruments and began to play a melody, their pleasant notes shaping and molding the wraithbone into a massive, glorious shrine. Six were Guardians, the foot soldiers scanning the area around them with a tactical deftness found only from years of experience. The remaining two was a Fire Dragon Exarch, the chosen sacrifice, and the Farseer overseeing the operation.

“Farseer,” said the Exarch. “This world is of no value, its inhabitants surely cannot aid in the Craftworld's survival.”

“The future is clearer to those who have walked down the path I have chosen,” the Farseer replied, raising the shuriken pistol in her hand to the sky. Her words possessing a mechanical tint and void of any emotion whatsoever. “As such, our mission on this world may our greatest accomplishment should we be successful.”

“Perhaps, but if what the visions are true, should we not settle here instead of aimlessly wandering the stars, narrowly avoiding the fates of so many Craftworld Eldar before us?” The Exarch hefted his fire lance, his strong desire to fight ceaselessly demanding conflict to occur at the expense of most other rational thought.

“This world is a rarity in this galaxy,” the Farseer pointed to the countryside around them, her Witchblade partaking in the symphony of the Bonesingers nearby. “To the point of being a virtual impossibility. It is a world whose inhabitants are connected to the Warp, and one that has a daemon of the Changer of Ways roaming it, yet is free of mutation or corruption. Even the daemon itself is more benign than could be imagined.”

The Farseer stepped forward a few feet and continued without looking at the Fire Dragon. “This planet, lost and forgotten among a million others, is unique. The tempests of the Warp are not even gentle breezes here, the encroaching hunger of the Great Devourer is absent. There are not even Necrons sleeping beneath these lands. This world, Equus, and those who live in it, are... harmonious in an galaxy of which there is only war.”

“Then is it not fitting that we partake in bringing its doom?” the Exarch asked, a faint, burning aura flowing over his bright orange armor.

The Farseer did not answer. Like her companion, she had followed one path of the Eldar and refused to take another. Thus they would remain an Exarch and Farseer respectively for the rest of their lives. The Exarch was trapped in the Path of the Warrior, and cared little about anything unrelated to directly partaking in battle. For the Farseer, it was her duty to see what the future lay ahead for her Craftworld.

The visions she saw suggested that the preservation of this world was vital for what they were about to perform. Farseers spent most of their time dreaming of the future, but this one spent a brief moment to reflect on the past. Through careful planning laid out over the last ten centuries, the Eldar of her Craftworld successfully diverted Mon'Keigh troops, Tau emissaries and the occasional Ork Waaagh! from discovering and subsequently molesting Equus. To allow the planet to be spotted would jeopardize the next phase in the Farseer's schemes through constant meddling.

A enormous raiding party of the Eldar's fallen brethren was due to arrive within the next two days at most. Under normal circumstances, the Craftworld would let the raiders have their fill of slaves. However, the practically 'Chaotic safe-zone' nature of planet Equus meant that the Dark Eldar would return to colonize, extracting more and more pony souls as their tolerance increased until they wiped out the native population. Then, careless of keeping secrecy, an Imperial Inquisitor would eventually find the planet, and, in all their short-sightedness, would subject the planet to a fiery destruction.

Rarely were the visions so clear and in such detail, and to allow any of that to happen would result in loss of a priceless asset to the Eldar's survival. Thus, the Craftworld would need to establish a defense garrison to repel the invaders. The individual ponies themselves were expendable in this task just like any other race so long as they were not captured, but her visions suggested they played a role in maintaining the harmony, and thus keeping the species as a whole alive was more beneficial in the long term than not.

The Farseer turned to the shrine under construction, the Bonesinger music shaping the wraithbone from amorphous hunks to intricate walls and designs. To vanquish their fallen comrades, the Eldar would need more than their own psychic prowess and martial skill. They would need to summon the Avatar of Khaine.

Three more lights flash behind her accompanied by a whooshing sound. A trio of Dark Reapers split up and surrounded the nearly complete shrine. The Guardians, relieved of their task, gathered around the Farseer in await of their new orders.

“Your new task is to go to what the ponies call the Crystal Empire and make preparations.” The Farseer turned to her left and pointed to the north. The Guardians did not need the gesture, knowledge of the geography was imprinted into their minds beforehand. “The Falcon transport will arrive shortly,” she did not want them to walk for that was too slow, nor use teleportation as the Eldar were trying to be subtle in that part of the plan.

For her part of the plan, such was different. Just as she flickered out of existence, the Falcon grav-tank flickered in through the Webway.

Three hours passed, the sun had risen into that perfect position in the sky to turn it from deep purple to dark orange-red without reaching the point of actually peeking over the horizon.

If there was any ambient sound in the meadow, be it animals or the wind rustling the wild grass, it was drowned out by the music that played. In the time since the Guardians and Farseer left to their objectives, more Eldar had passed through the Webway. More Bonesingers came to assist the first four in building a respectable outpost after the shrine had finished completion.

At the shrine itself, what could only be considered a concert was being held. Two dozen Aspect Warriors, four of each path gathered in dance around the entrance of the shrine, where the Fire Dragon Exarch had long since entered. Meanwhile, six members of the Harlequin sect played songs on their colorful horns, drums, piano things, the occasional plungophone and other instruments.

By no means was it a usual summoning.

To the uninitiated, the Aspect Warriors were all doing what could be considered 'busting a move' as they swung their arms, clapped their hands, twisted their torsos and thrust their pelvises to the smooth rhythms. To the participants, they were merely engaging in voluntary spasms to arouse their god from slumber for its task ahead. To consider it anything but went against centuries worth of self-discipline.

Indeed, not even in the daemon-resistant Webway was this ritual possible, it was only on this world that the Eldar could perform this ceremony without gaining the wrathful attention of Slaanesh.

Eventually, a single roar cried out from within the shrine. The summoning was complete. The Harlequins stopped playing, the Aspect Warriors rested and all turned their attention to the entrance.

The Avatar was a humanoid golem of molten iron twice the height of the tallest nearby Eldar. Runes and jewelery marked covered most of its body like tattoos, and the only clothing it wore besides said jewelery was a single loin cloth that stretched to its ankles, an antler-like headdress that resulted in a vertical ponytail for his massive hair. Its forearms and legs resembled the appearance of having bladed gauntlets and boots respectively, but were long-since fused directly into the body. In its perpetually blood-oozing hand was the Wailing Doom, a gigantic sword that glowed brilliant fire.

“At one time, I had lived. Now, I am only livid!” The Avatar's voice boomed across the countryside, but only those at the base could fully hear, or understand the message. The Aspect Warriors promptly stepped aside from the Avatar's path, allowing it to walk out and stand among them before slowly clapping to the impressive statement. Then, after a brief acknowledgment, the Avatar broke into a sprint towards the direction the Guardians from before went. At the speed it ran, it would reach the Crystal Empire in minutes.

The Farseer's quest took her to Canterlot castle, where the most useful of tools resided. The 'Elements of Harmony,' their princesses, and the dragon slave were all present chatting as the Eldar materialized in the room.

The voices all died as the nine creatures turned and gazed upon the tall, slender form of the Farseer with expressions ranging to benign curiosity, contempt, welcoming and, for want of a better word, craziness. The Farseer, however, maintained a blank stare obscured by her face mask.

“My name is irrelevant,” she said, her even, metallic voice echoing across the room. “My demands are not. I-”

“Now wait just a minute,” the one called Rainbow Dash interrupted. “What makes you think that you can just zap into here and tell us what to do?”

“Madam, on behalf of the kingdom of Equestria, I welcome you.” The tallest one, Princess Celestia bowed her head. “Please, continue.”

The Farseer could sense the protective concern underneath the thick layer of genuine respect. She was not worried of the potential threat just yet, however. “I am here to summon you in entertaining the Avatar of Kaela Mensha Khaine as he goes on vacation in the Crystal Empire. I am not asking for your permission in this matter, for there is an evil greater than anything you have ever comprehended drawing near.”

The pony called Applejack walked up a few feet and said. “Look, we don't know who ya are, and were not goin' anywhere until you tell us more ab- YEOW!” Applejack could not finish her sentence before no less than a hundred low-velocity shuriken rounds dug into her left foreleg.

The Farseer bent her pistol arm until the weapon pointed straight up. “Perhaps you will reconsider your decision.” At that point princesses Celestia, Luna and Twilight Sparkle opened fire with laser beams shooting out of their horns, the others too shocked or otherwise unable to intervene. The three beams failed to hit as they were absorbed by the psychic barrier protecting the Farseer. The humans of all races have better lasers, she noted. And much more of them. She did not know the alicorns were actually holding back quite a bit, but neither did she need to know.

The Farseer shifted her eyes to Rarity, Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy and raised her staff into the air. Lightning shot out of it and began electrocuting the three. They could not even open their mouths to scream as the electricity held their jaw muscles in place. The Farseer took extra care to only bring the ponies a moderate pain - they were of no use to the Eldar dead. That, and she took no pleasure in bringing excessive suffering to them, she simply needed to be pragmatic here.

The lasers intensified greatly in response, and the barrier was put under more duress. The Farseer, likewise strengthened the lightning ever so slightly, while maintaining the visual illusion that the psychic attack was far stronger than it really was. “I can continue this negotiation all day, my little ponies. Can you?” She wasn't trying to boast, or even ask a question. She merely voiced her doubts.

Twilight Sparkle shifted her worried eyes to her fellow princesses, who both nodded in understanding. As soon as the trio ceased fire the Eldar did the same. “Fine, we'll go along with you as long as you stop hurting my friends,” Twilight said.

The Farseer made a faint smirk, not that the ponies could see. “Your acceptance, though reluctant, shows wisdom does permeate in your species,” she said. The Farseer nodded her head in the direction of the four writhing ponies on the floor. “Do seek your healers and begin your journey soon, the Avatar's patience is finite. We will see you there, or he will see you here.”

With that, the Eldar vanished as soon as it came in a flare of light. The three alicorns immediately tended to the wounded first by magically suppressing their sensitivity to pain. Spike covered his eyes and looked away as soon as Applejack first walked forward, and thus didn't see anything. However, while he knew Rarity was hurt, Fluttershy was hurt more, and thus she received the condoling hug. He knew Rarity would understand why.

“Dear Princess Celestia,” Twilight asked as she slowly plucked out the shuriken shards and sealed the wound in Applejack's leg.

“Yes, Twilight Sparkle?” the alicorn replied, massaging Rainbow's wings so they would unlock. Luna meanwhile added a mild amnesiac spell to the victims, especially Fluttershy because she really didn't need to get drunk on nightmare fuel.

“Aliens are jerks.”

The Avatar reached the Crystal Empire with ease and casually walked through the streets towards the central arch. The crystal ponies paid no mind to the giant monster of fire, death and fiery death passing by.

When the Avatar reached the central arch, a massive, if plain, wraithbone chair awaited him. Dispelling the Wailing Doom, he sat down and took a deep breath - not that he needed it. The Avatar absentmindedly reached down to either side with his respective hands for a few seconds before finding a lever which when pulled revealed the chair to be a recliner.

As the Avatar laid back put his hands behind his head, he pondered on what exactly he had in store today. No doubt the Eldar would find him something to do, and hopefully it didn't involve causing widespread murder. Today was Khaine's day off, and destruction was not the order of the day.

He chuckled to himself, happy that today he would not have to act like he had a stick up his second nether-region (even though he did have one, but that's another story).

To think, only a few millennia ago he would have told the Eldar to go pound sand. Now, he had to protect them from the Chaos God they created because they pounded sand. The very same God so proficient at sand-pounding that it thoroughly beat the stuffing out of the Eldar pantheon, shattered Khaine personally into a thousand pieces and took his bitch too.

Yet, even as was fractured among the stars, Kaela Mensha Khaine had never felt more whole than right here, right now.

The Avatar leaned up and fished into the inside of the chair for a remote control. Finding it, he pushed the big, red power button on it, which caused curtains to unravel over the arches and darken the area. A massive rectangular holographic screen appeared directly in front of him.

“I wonder what is on Heresy Central at this hour,” he thought aloud, pressing the number combination that would lead him to the channel. When he did, the image on the screen was that of a 'Chaos Space Marine' sharpening one of the horns on his helmet with a nail file against a green wireframe background.

“The Emperor, he is bad for you. The Emperor, he is bad for you. The Emperor, he is bad for you,” The narrator repeated. Khaine groaned. He hated this commercial, everyone did, yet they still aired it after so long. “This message was brought to you by the Word Bearers Legion.”

Once the commercial ended, the scene changed to what seemed to be an exercise show. As a catchy piano tune played, the camera zoomed up to none other than the smiling dead body skeleton corpse of the Emperor of Mankind. Interested in what the program had to offer, Khaine removed his finger from the channel changing button and adjusted his recliner back into upright position.

“Hello, welcome to Sit and Be Fit!” the Emperor said warmly, waving his hand.

“No way,” the Avatar said, sitting up nice and tall. “I haven't watched this show in ages. It never comes in!”

The Avatar did not know for how long the ponies were standing there watching him kick his legs in the air and making a high-pitch 'whooping' sound, nor did it matter. He turned to face them during the commercial break and waved hello. “Welcome, my little ponies,” he said. “Are you here to sit and be fit as well?”

At first, none of them answered, seemingly too scared or otherwise unwilling to do so. Then they all looked to the one called Princess Luna, who proceeded to reply in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Nay, Avatar! By request of your Farseer we are here to help you enjoy shore leave!”

The Avatar admired the pony's ability to speak up for others, literally. He then pointed to the now stable Fluttershy. “You may begin your purpose by bringing the yellow one to me. I wish to pet it.”

From the looks on the others faces, they really didn't want to be with him. Yet slowly but surely Fluttershy meekly stepped forward. Only to shrink back a few steps when the Avatar stood up from its chair to kneel down to her. Realizing his intentions, Fluttershy resumed her advance with a teeny bit more confidence. The Avatar then grabbed a stick from the seat of the chair, incinerated it and threw the ashes to the wind.

“I don't like the looks of this,” Twilight Sparkle said. The alicorn's eyes glued onto the pegasus.

“Um, maybe this will end up like what happened with Discord,” Rainbow Dash added, not sounding the least bit confident.

Rarity shut her eyes as tight as possible. “I can't watch.”

Pinkie Pie's attention was directed to the TV screen. “Ugh, they still air that PSA about the Emperor?”

Fluttershy had finally entered within reach of the Avatar... and true to his word, gently stroked the pony's back with his finger. Unfortunately, the Avatar's hands were cursed to perpetually bleed after murdering Eldanesh, and as a result Fluttershy was quickly drenched in a syrupy sanguine in front of everyone.

She didn't mind though, and the Avatar proceeded to conjure his personal hairbrush to use on the sweet little pony. The tension in the air dissipated and the others relaxed, and realized that maybe, just maybe the Avatar wasn't a big jerk like the rest of the Eldar.

And so the ponies and Khaine proceeded to enjoy a day of fun together doing all sorts of activities. The highlight was when they baked an enormous cherry pie. The eight ponies plus Spike all sat on the edge of the crust, happily digging into their respective slices as the tin rested on the Avatar's elevated legs on the recliner. Khaine did not not want any pie himself even despite Rarity's offer to share. He made it just for them using the aforementioned blood syrup for pie filling... which Twilight magically converted into actual cherry filling during the baking process.

There was one incident however as they ate. For elsewhere an Eldar Guardian was the tail end of a domino-like series of disasters that ultimately led to him getting kicked in the groin so hard his upper body literally exploded. The force shot his soulstone into Spike's slice of the pie, and when the dragon picked it up licked his lips and brought it close to his open mouth...

“NO!” Khaine shouted to the heavens. The startled ponies barely keeping their balance as he sat up and created an almost exaggerated scowl of menace on his face. Almost. “If you consume that soulstone, dragon. I will get my freak on. You do not want that to happen.”

The poor dragon was petrified at the outburst, only relinquishing the stone in his claw when Princess Celestia opened it and gave the stone to another Guardian nearby. Noticing that Spike wasn't going to thaw on his own anytime soon, Rainbow Dash came up with a brilliant solution. “Hey Rarity,” she said. “Could you get the remote behind you and bring it over here?”

“Oh, why sure,” she replied as she stood up and turned to face the remote before levitating it up. “What purpose do you want it for?” she asked.

“Let's just say the plot demands it,” Rainbow slyly replied, turning Spike's head so his vision pointed straight towards that wonderful ass. When Spike relaxed, his eyes bulged and his tongue rolled out of his mouth, all the other ponies barely suppressed their laughter with varying degrees of success. Even Rarity found it too amusing to be embarrassed when she realized what was going on.

The Avatar did not find it funny though. Ask any Craftworld Eldar why, and the answer would be they are a dying race because of that. In the off chance that one asked the average Dark Eldar that, the response would most likely be along the lines of: “She gonna pack much back?”

Once the ponies had their fill of dessert, they all gathered around to face the TV screen. After Luna was done checking through the royal treasury balance, she pressed the accept button on the remote and the ten prepared for the latest iteration of the glorious live pay-per-view wrestling event, “War in the Warp XLR.”

War in the Warp XLR was perhaps the greatest one of all time, the ponies and the Avatar thought so at least. Chock full of unforgettable bouts between the greatest warriors in the galaxy. The battle between Sindi Myr vs. Eldrad Ulthran was intense, as was the tag team fight for the Tag Team Championship between “Yabba Dabba” Abbadon the Despoiler-inator and Fabius Bile versus Gork and Mork, and few could possibly forget the Last Man Standing match between Gorgutz 'Ead 'Unta, Farseer Taldeer, Chaos Lord Crull, Captain Gabriel Angelos and none other than General Arslash Sturnn himself.

However, the greatest match of all was undoubtedly the No-Holds-Barred main event. All the promos and interviews leading up to the Materium Championship had split the ten into two sides. One side, primarily those who hadn't watched much wrestling before like Spike, Twilight and Celestia, rooted for Warlord Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka on the grounds that he did not know better and deserved pity. The other group, the fans, composed of Khaine, Luna, Rainbow Dash, Applejack and of all ponies Fluttershy, favored Commissar Sebastian Yarrick for his heroic determination and overall “good guy” attitude.

“Yarrick's on the ropes. He's gonna do it, a double powerbomb, people!” The commentator said, all ten leaned forward in their seats in suspense. “What?! Oh! And Sindri comes out of nowhere and low-blows that Commissar!”

True enough, Yarrick slumped onto the canvas clutching his groin while the Warlord and the Sorcerer proceeded to stomp on him aggressively.

“How dare he?! This... This is the worst possible thing!” Rarity shouted with tears welling in her eyes, her five friends saw her distress and held each other close. All support for the Ork evaporated and Pinkie began a “Yarrick, Yarrick!” chant among the ten which swiftly gained support.

Before Sindri could know what happened, his head was promptly disintegrated by the force of a Baneblade's main gun. The other ten weapons all concentrating on the Ork.

“And out of nowhere a freaking Baneblade comes in and decapitates the Sorcerer! And now it's pounding on Ghazghkull!”

“Where did that tank come from?!” Another commentator asked in downright confusion.

“From under the ring, somehow,” the first answered, equally perplexed.

“But who would put it down there?”

“I'm not sure. That could only be the work of some kind of Tactical Geniu-”

“CREED!” Just as countless voices echoed throughout the arena, the Avatar's voice echoed throughout the land of Equestria as he and they saw none other than Ursakar E. Creed emerge from the Baneblade. Yarrick, wasting no time landed the most devastating punch he could muster into his opponent's jaw. Ghazghkull dropped like a stone onto the mat, with Yarrick following after for the three pin.

After hanging out with Khaine all day, the little ponies no longer flinched in terror every time he spoke. Instead they cheered for Yarrick's victory, quickly realizing that while humans are not nice, literally everyone else is a hundred times worse.

“This calls for a celebration party!” Pinkie Pie bounced off the chair, presumably to go fetch something. What she didn't quite anticipate was that the Avatar's resting hands had lubricated the ground around them, causing the pink pony to slip and slide uncontrollably towards a Guardian. She was having too much fun sliding to realize that the exact same Guardian was the one holding the soulstone from before and upon impact the gem was thrown into the air where it shattered on the ceiling above the screen.

The Avatar looked at the falling pieces, and sighed. “You would best leave while you still have the chance, my little ponies.” All nine ponies and Spike teleported to the outside of town without further instruction, they had anticipated what was about to happen all day. The Avatar stood up, cracked his back, pulled out the Wailing Doom and shrugged. “Well, who says you can't work on your vacation?”

He stepped out into the night and when he had the arch behind him a couple hundred feet, span around and swung the sword at the supports. The whole structure collapsed in an unholy scream.

When Khaine turned around again, he saw the denizens of the Crystal Empire trying to flee. And so the Avatar casually strolled down the street, vaporizing every building in his path like it was it his role in the universe - which it was. He intentionally let the ponies themselves escape of of respect for the fantastic day he had with their kind. Instead, he would save all his murderficationing for the Dark Eldar.

He stopped when he saw the nine he spent the day with standing by with jewelery on their persons. He paid them no mind at the moment when he saw the lone figure of Shining Armor walking towards him. He could see the determination in the pony's eyes, the same determination the Avatar thought he saw before somewhere.

“Little pony, you cannot harm me, Kaela Mensha Khaine. How do you intend to stop me when your 'Princesses' could not even stop my Farseer?” The Avatar raised his sword to the sky in the most intimidating pose he could make.

A lot of thoughts were on Shining Armor's mind. Seeing his kingdom hijacked by aliens was one. Having to sit idly as said aliens partied with his sister was another. Now, his nation was in peril, and he needed to make a stand. Even if he could not defeat the Avatar before him himself, his willingness to confront it anyway would no doubt inspire others to great feats of courage for generations to come.

He wanted to make a long insulting speech about the Avatar's flaws, and how he failed as a protector for his dying patron race. Instead, Shining's final idea of insult was much more powerful. “Hey, Avatar!” he shouted. He stood on his hind legs and outstretched his forelegs. “Bro, do you even lift?!”

The Avatar just stood there for a moment before the true weight of the message dawned on him. He covered his forehead with his free hand and sighed. Perhaps he would make one exception for the ponies. He sprinted forward, catching the prince by surprise. “No, but I soccer!” With a mighty kick the Avatar punted Shining Armor into the horizon on a first class trip to meet the sea ponies.

When the prince had disappeared over the mountains, the Avatar turned his attention to the ponies and Spike as he absentmindedly smashed a nearby cafe. Twilight, Pinkie, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack and Rainbow Dash all glowed with multicolored lights. The Avatar 'oohed' at the pretty lights, and 'AAAAA-HED' at the giant rainbow that shot at him.

The Avatar held his sword before him to parry the blow, and was locked in a struggle in resisting the beautiful colors. Khaine was forcibly pushed across the ground from the strength of the Elements, his feet creating trenches as he went. Soon he had nowhere to be further pushed as he ended up against the rubble of the arch.

The Avatar tried with all his might to defy the Elements of Harmony, however his luck ran out. A tendril of rainbow light slowly slithered down to his loin cloth. Helpless against the dreaded tentaskittle, Khaine could only watch in horror as it erased the top most symbols on the cloth.

Khaine screamed. His thunderous roar forced the Elements of Harmony to withdraw their rainbow from his being. The Avatar's scream horrifically morphed from terror to outright frustration. The Avatar grabbed the Wailing Doom with both hands, raised its hilt-first high over his head as he wailed doom himself. “MY NAME'S. NOT. IIIIIIINE!”

When the Wailing Doom pierced the ground, the entirety of the Crystal Empire exploded in volcanic hellfire and disproportionate retribution. Magma and ash shot high into the air like a super-volcano eruption. The earth violently shook until every jimmy in every bakery on the planet was vigorously rustled.

Then, it was over. The Avatar's perturbation had been vented and all that remained of the ground where the Crystal Empire once stood was miles was gray, cracked deadland. Except for that one tree in the background over there. But that one could go pound sand.

He walked over to the ponies and Spike, who like the former denizens of the Crystal Empire, were miraculously unharmed. The Avatar was no longer mad, in fact he felt reinvigorated. He felt more powerful than he had been for millennia, and he had the friendship of these little ponies to thank. “I will defend your world from the ravages of the Dark Eldar, my little ponies,” he said.

“You just destroyed the homes of thousands and kicked my brother to the other side of the world,” Twilight said flatly. "What makes you think that we want the regular Eldar around anymore?”

Khaine knelt down to the alicorn and replied cheerfully, “Because, Twilight, the Dark Eldar are the biggest jerks in the galaxy. At least the humans and Orks would only just kill you and everyone you know with fire. The Dark Eldar would take their time torturing you in ways you are better off not knowing.” The Avatar stroked Twilight's mane affectionately as he spoke.

The ponies all looked at each other for a moment in consideration before Pinkie stepped up. “Do you Pinkie Promise not to harm ponies or their friends anymore?”

“Yes,” the Avatar proceeded to do the routine with Pinkie and all was good.

“Alright, I believe that is sufficient for a pardon. Welcome to Equestria, Kaela Mensha Khaine.” Princess Celestia bowed her head and smiled. The ponies and the Avatar were now friends who would both look out for the well-being of Equestria against the evil Dark Eldar.

Meanwhile, back in Canterlot Castle, a certain daemon commented on how things went “just as planned.”

Author's Note

I have no idea what went through my mind as I wrote this madness, but it feels splendid.

As you might have noticed, I tried to play the regular Eldar straight while keeping to crazy to Khaine - it's his day off after all - I hope I did well in the former regard for Dawn of War and the Lexicanum are my only sources of insight about Eldar. As for the rest of everything, frankly I feel that my brain turned into soup by the time I wrote the wrestling bit. It was delicious. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this heretical text.

The Emperor Protects.

-Doc Mad