You Should Have Stayed Home
“Twilight, can we go home now?” Spike wined as the group marched through the woods.
“Yea, I’m with him,” Rainbow agreed.
“No,” Twilight sighed.
She was getting tired of the complaining coming from these two; it only made things harder. She had lost her way in the forest more times than she would like to admit. If any of her other friends started, she might just lose it.
“Why not? I’ve got important stuff to do, y’know.”
“Like what?”
“Napping, for one thing.”
“Yea, I could go for some sleep,” Spike said.
“You know we can’t go home until we find this castle,” Twilight explained. “Princess Celestia told us herself.”
“To find a castle that just dropped out of the sky?” Spike asked. “Twilight, don’t you think she might be sending you on a wild goose chase?”
Twilight shot an annoyed look at him.
“Why in Equestria would she want to do that, Spike?”
“I dunno, it just seems a little…out there.”
“We’ll find it soon, I’m sure of it,” Twilight assured the group. “Besides, Princess Celestia has no reason for sending us to find something that doesn’t exist; if she said that it happened, then it happened.”
Twilight really did believe her mentor was telling the truth. What reason did she have for sending them after a non-existent castle; maybe to play a prank on them? No, no; that wasn’t Celestia. There was a castle around here somewhere, and she was going to find it!
She just wished her friends shared her enthusiasm rather than keep up the whining and complaining. She had expected as much from Rainbow or Rarity, maybe Spike, but all the others had gradually joined in as the search wore on. Even Twilight had to admit that she was starting to get doubts about their mission; at least until she spotted an opening in the woods.
Leading the way out through it, she was confronted by a small hill surrounded by a light fog. What was standing on it was far more important, a castle; specifically, one that had never been seen in this area before. It seemed like an average castle at first sight, being tall and made of stone.
“Huh, guess the Princess really wasn’t lyin’,” Applejack commented. “I coulda’ sworn I saw somethin’ up with her when she asked us, though.”
“It doesn’t matter, we finally found it!” Twilight exclaimed with shut eyes and a very confident smile.
“Yea, but…what do we do with it?” Spike asked.
Twilight deadpanned at this.
“I uh…actually, I don’t know,” she said, putting a hoof to her chin while she observed the structure. “We weren’t really told what to do with it when we found it. Maybe…go back and tell them where it is?”
“I, um…I have an idea,” Fluttershy whispered. “Why don’t’ we try, erm…knocking?”
“That’s a great idea, Fluttershy!” Dash said, turning to the castle. “HELLO!?”
“Rainbow, I doubt there’s anything really in-”
Before Twilight finished, she was interrupted by a voice from the top of the castle’s wall.
“’Allo, who is zis?”
At the top of the castle, the head of a single, small figure appeared; though it was not that of a pony, of any creature they had seen or heard of before. He did not seem to have any fur, scales, or feathers covering his body, save for a thick mustache. Though it was rather hard to tell if it had any more, as it wore a suit of armor over most of its body, save for the face.
“Uh…hey?”
“I already said ‘allo!” the figure shouted back angrily in a strange accent. “Now wadda you want!?”
“Um…”
Twilight and the others stared for a bit, unsure of how to respond to the situation; needless to say, this annoyed the creature.
“Well? I ‘aven’t got all day!” he yelled. “Say your business or you shall be taunted!”
“Alright, whose castle is this?” Twilight asked. “Is it yours?”
“Zis is the castle of my masta, Guy de Loimbard!”
“That is certainly a…royal sounding name,” Rarity said.
“Of course it iz, he’s royalty!”
“Can we talk to him?” Twilight asked.
“Of course not, he is very busy and has no interest in wastin’ his time with silly little horses.”
“Hey, we’re not horses pal,” Rainbow said. “We’re ponies!”
“You are horses and you are only good for pulling de carts and ze making of de glues and pushing into zee quicksand when one is bored,” the creature said plainly.
“Well what are you supposed to be!?” Rainbow yelled back, obviously angered.
“Ah’m French! Why do you think I have zis outrageous accent you silly horse!?”
“French? Is that what your species calls itself?” Twilight asked. “Or is that your nation or-”
“Shat up!” the Frenchman yelled. “That does not matter!”
“What’re you doin’ in Equestria?” Applejack asked.
“Mind your own business!”
It was a very odd development indeed. None of the group knew exactly what to do. It was odd enough that a strange castle with aliens inside, not to mention aliens as strange as these. Since she had never really been told what to do beyond this point, Twilight felt it would be best to call and ask her mentor for help.
“Spike, could you write a letter to Celestia asking her to come over here?” she asked.
The dragon complied, writing up a quick letter as the unicorn looked back up to the alien.
“Could you tell me a little bit about yourself?” she asked.
“What do you think zi es, a date? Why should I waste ma time with some pretty-painted talking horse?”
“Well, I’m sure we could learn a lot from each-other!”
“Bah, what could ze mighty kingdom of France learn from you? You have not gotten past ze making of de fires in da caves and de bashing of boulders on your heads for fun, while we have patented our own method of kissing!”
The Frenchman laughed heartedly at the group of ponies, much to their annoyance.
“What a strange creature,” Rarity commented. “He is certainly lacking in manners, though his accent is quite familiar.”
“Is this the alien I was told of?” a voice asked.
The group turned to see Princess Celestia, staring at the structure with a rather shocked look on her face.
“You must be kidding, you actually found a castle!?”
“Yes Princess, you know I wouldn’t let you down.”
Celestia took a deep sigh and shook her head; only Twilight Sparkle…
“Oh look, za big white one’s hair is floweh’, she must have drawn on ze fun flower one time too many!” he laughed.
“What does he call himself?”
“‘French’,” Twilight responded. “I think that’s what he calls his species.”
“Mr. Frenchpony-”
“Ah’m no pony and you won’t call me as such!” he retorted.
“Listen here, I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria,” she introduced herself. “I demand that you treat myself and my ponies with respect!”
“And just what are you gonna do ‘bout et!?”
“I possess the power of the sun, and my sister the power of the moon; go and tell you master this!”
“Well, I’ll tell ‘em, but I don’t think he’ll care much; he can already do both a those, you see?”
“What?” Celestia asked, confused.
“What did he say, Princess?” Twilight asked.
“He..said that they can already do that!” Celestia said, looking back up to the Frenchman. “You cannot do those things, can you?”
“Oh yes, et’s very nice!” the being responded, before turning to his cohorts next him, hiding behind the wall. “I told ‘em we can already do ‘et.”
This sparked a quick wave of suppressed laughter before the first Frenchman turned back to the ponies.
“If you refuse to cooperate, then I will have to consider you a threat to my kingdom and its inhabitants!” Celestia warned.
“You don’t frighten us, horsey pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you so called ‘Preencess Celestia’ and all your ‘poneeugh’ horses!”
The ponies were taken aback by the sudden outburst of random insults by the alien, who proceeded to stick his tongue out at them while tapping his helmet.
“Now look here-”
“I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”
“I-is…is that bad?” Fluttershy asked.
“I guess, but I’m not even sure of what they’re saying,” Twilight said. “Excuse me, but is there somepony else we could talk to?”
“No! Now go eway or I shall taunt you eh second time!” he warned.
“This is your last chance,” Celestia warned. “I’ve been more than reasonable!”
The Frenchman paid no heed as he turned back to his comrades.
“Fetchez la vache.”
“Que?”
“Fetchez la vache!”
Celestia continued speaking to no one until she heard what sounded like a catapult launching something. It was immediately followed by a loud ‘Moo!’ as something shot out of the castle. The large, brown object flew from the air towards the group.
“Is that a…cow-”
She was unable to finish or move as a large cow fell directly on top of her.
“Princess, are you alright!?” Twilight asked, running over to her. “She’s unconscious!”
“Oh, that poor cow,” Fluttershy said, looking over the animal.
“Fluttershy, we don’t have time to worry about that; we have to stop these aliens!”
“How are we supposed to do that?” Rainbow asked.
“We’re the Elements of Harmony, Rainbow,” Twilight said, taking said magical artifacts out. “We should have no trouble handling this-”
The ‘twang’ of the catapult sounded again, hurling something else into the air.
“Is that a shark!?” Fluttershy observed. “Why do they have it on land?”
“Ooh, I’ve never seen a land shark before!” Pinkie exclaimed, moving to get a closer look.
Unfortunately, her ‘closer look’ put her in the animal’s target area; sure enough, the large fish came down right on top of her, knocking her out, as well.
“Well, what now?” Rainbow asked Twilight. “We can’t use the Elements unless we can all wield them.”
“Just gimme a second,” Twilight stammered. “I-I think I know a spell to wake them up; oh, what was it?”
“Bahahaha!” the Frenchman laughed at them. “You silly horses can do nothing against ze might of France! Go and dunk your heads in
a wine well, you cousins of a telemarketer!”
“That’s it!” Rainbow said furiously. “CHARGE!”
Rarity and Applejack followed behind her, followed rather reluctantly by Twilight and Fluttershy. The group got up to the wall of the castle, but Rainbow apparently did not think this far ahead. She contented herself with punching the stone wall, to little effect.
“Hey, zis one es for your mother!” another Frenchman yelled, throwing a duck at them and picking up a goose. “And zis is for your gran!”
The French proceeded in their impenetrable defense tactic. Many of them got up to the wall and began to hurl random animals down upon the hapless group of ponies. They added to this whatever random objects that were immediately around them, such as a cheese wheel that was lodged on Rarity’s horn.
“Any more bright ideas, Rainbow!?” Twilight rhetorically asked.
In response, the pegasus tried to fly up to the wall, but was nailed in the head by one of the soldiers wielding an extremely thick, and apparently extremely hard, baguette, sending her back to the ground.
“Ah, there’s gotta be some-” a fat, living, angry cat smacked Rainbow in the head, who proceeded to claw away at the terrified pegasus. “RUN AWAY!”
The group did just so, stopping to pick up Pinkie and Celestia before running into the wood line; the French, still safe in their castle, celebrated by taunting and laughing at their foes.
“Can we try things my way now, Rainbow?” Twilight asked the pegasus, who had finally thrown the cat off her face and into a bush.
“S-sure Twilight,” she said, panting. “J-just…just m-make…sure…I get to…sock those lousy-”
The cat sprung back onto Dash’s head.
“AH! GET IT OFF!”
“Ugh, what…what happened?” Celestia asked, rubbing her head as she sat up.
“Princess!” Twilight jumped. “Are you alright? How do you feel?”
“I-I have a bit of a headache; what…happened?”
“Well, we found the castle like you asked, and it had these strange creatures inside who called themselves ‘French’, and they knocked you out when the shot a cow at you,” she explained.
“Ah, yes; now I remember,” she sighed. “Were you able to do something about them?”
“Uh…no, not yet anyways,” Twilight replied, looking down. “But, I did come up with a way to trick them!”
“What? How?”
“Come see,” she said, leading the Princess to the tree line where the others were hiding. “Watch the road.”
This she did, keeping her eyes fixed on the dirt path that lead to the castle door. Slowly, a large, wooden structure emerged from the trees and, pushed by Twilight’s magic, made its way up to the castle. The large timber statue seemed to resemble a pony is some ways, and was easily recognizable. The Frenchmen also took notice, with a few coming out to look over the object; after a short time, and a few undistinguishable voices coming from inside, the statue was rolled inside and the gates closed.
“Yes, they took it!” Twilight exclaimed.
“What is it supposed to do?” Celestia asked. “Is it supposed to hold something?”
“Yes actually,” Twilight explained. “You see, the pony itself is hollow; when night falls and they are all sleeping, me, Rainbow, and Applejack will jump out, surprise them, and open the castle. They won’t have any idea what hit them!”
“Um…could you repeat the first part?”
“Yes; it’s where Rainbow and Applejack and I jump out and surprise them.”
“Who jumps out?”
“Erm…Dash…and Applejack…and…myself…um…”
“And you’re all still sitting right here, rather than inside the statue?”
“Uhm…I suppose,” she replied with an embarrassing blush over her face.
Celestia rubbed a hoof over her face; only Twilight Sparkle…
“Well…m-maybe if we built this…large wooden rabbit-”
“Twilight, do not fret over this any longer,” Celestia interrupted. “We shall settle this matter another day.”
“What? But Princess-”
“I just want to go home, Twilight,” she sighed.
Before she could get up, the sound of the catapult indicated another launch. The same statue that had been brought into the castle was now flying through the air, straight towards their hiding spot. More specifically, it was falling towards Celestia’s spot.
“Oh no,” she groaned. “Not again-”
The ponies spent the rest of the day dragging their unconscious ruler back through the woods. The French taunted them all the way back, the voices from their castle echoing through the woods like an insulting breeze. It had not been a fun, or easy, task in any way. All in all, they decided to stay away from the French from there on out.
Author's Note
I'll admit I'm rather surprised no one's done something like this yet; oh well, I had fun doing it.
Thanks for reading!
You Sure It's Your Castle?
“Princess Celestia, are you sure we can’t try digging underneath the castle?” Twilight asked, following her teacher.
“Yes Twilight,” she sighed. “I am fairly confident that would not work.”
Following the previous events, Equestria’s powerful ruler had to be, rather embarrassingly, dragged back from the battlefield by her student and friends; she had only just regained consciousness a short time ago, and made it a point to try and, at least, get home under her own power. If anything else, she could at least make it back to her castle in a dignified manner.
Well, the term ‘dignified’ was used rather slightly; nothing about the Sun Princess looked very regal anymore. Her head hung low and there was a tired glow about her, and even her flowing mane had retracted to the normal texture of hair. More obvious were the scars of battle; she carried a few bruises on her head from being crushed, and on her sides, and… pretty much everywhere. All that immortality and pain still hurt badly.
Twilight’s other friends had all gone home, or onto other things, leaving the unicorn to watch over their unconscious leader. Though teleporting Celestia all the way to Canterlot, with Rarity’s assistance, was relatively easy, having to explain to ponies what happened and control their fears were not.
“Well, maybe we could get a bunch of pegasi to make it rain and it would flood their castle and they’d be forced out?” Twilight continued to brainstorm.
“No, Twilight,” Celestia said.
“Well… maybe… uh, no… Wait, what if… what if we got a bunch of unicorns and picked up the castle with our magic, and just… threw it… somewhere else, maybe?”
“No, Twilight. We won’t be doing anything of the sort,” Celestia said. “Just leave them be and eventually they will go away.”
“But we can’t just leave those monsters out in the forest!” Twilight argued. “What if they branch out and decide to actually invade? What if they start taking over our castles? What if-”
“Twilight! It will be fine!” Celestia growled in a tone of weary anger. “I am sure that if they ever try to leave that castle, we can deal with them easily. They would be on our ground, and we would be able to deal with them easily. We know every corner and block of our land, so we should have no trouble. Does that make you feel better?”
“A little, but I’ve still got a bad feeling, Princess,” Twilight responded as the two finally reached the castle gates.
“To be frank, Twilight, please take your worries elsewhere,” Celestia ordered. “I am… just too tired for it. All I want to do now is sink into a hot bubble-bath with a slice of cake and then go to bed.”
Celestia then looked up at the massive wooden double-doors at the entrance to the royal castle and starting knocking hard on them with her hoof like she was knocking on the door to a friend’s house. To Twilight, that seemed a bit odd, as the Princess should not even need to knock, especially on the massive entrance to the castle itself. Then, she noticed there were no guards to be seen anywhere; not at the doors, nor on the castle walls. Where could they have all gone?
“Ugh, why will the guards not open this door!?” Celestia grunted, letting the day’s stress get to her. “I swear if I find those lazy ponies, I’ll… I’ll… wait, what’s that?”
Celestia stopped knocking when a strange sound came out from the castle; it sounded a lot like some kind of snickering. Celestia stepped back from the gate and stared at it, rubbing her hoof against her head in a confused manner. Though the Princess was trying to decipher what was going on, Twilight had already figured it out. A worried look came over her face, but the trouble erupted before she could give a warning to her teacher.
There was a sharp snap and the sound of wood and mechanics working in motion. This was followed by a whine; not a machine’s whine this time, but an animal’s whine. It sounded a good deal like a sheep. And, looking up to see what it was, they saw it was indeed a sheep, baaing as it flew through the air towards where they were standing.
“Oh no, not again!” Celestia cried as she and Twilight fell to the ground, hooves over their heads, as the sheep crashed onto their backs.
“‘Allo, you daffy horn-horse and ze madame Sun Princess who ez afraid of a duck, you know!” the French guard taunted, leaning over the concrete wall standing on top of the gate. “So, we French fellows outwit you a second time!”
“How dare you! How dare you take this castle from me! This is the royal castle of Canterlot! Erected one-thousand years ago to commemorate peace and prosperity under my rule!” Celestia yelled, her weariness replaced with a fresh rage. “I demand that you evict from this place at once!”
The Frenchman merely laughed at her before responding.
“Ah, one more time I unclog mah nose in your direction, sons of a window-dresser!” the guard laughed. “Zis castle and all ze treasure inside are now property of masta Guy de Lombard and ze Kingdom of France!”
“You will not take anything from my castle! Do you hear me!?” the alicorn angrily ordered below.
“Oh, but we already have em!” The French guard said, reaching down and picking up two handfuls of gold. “And we’re gonna use et to make towers and arches and ah wagonload of Oscars zat we’ll give to Jean Dujardin!”
“You will do no such thing!”
“Ya, well we already did et!” the Frenchman taunted, pointing over to his right.
Over there, in the middle of Canterlot, was a massive tower made entirely out of gold, standing on four legs. It was absolutely massive, and far taller than any other building in the sprawling city. It was so high that the top actually reached far above the clouds, and unsuspecting pegasi were starting to ram into it and fall to their deaths.
“How did we miss that earlier?” Twilight wondered aloud.
“It’s ah nice Eiffel, no?” The guard asked. “It adds a touch a culture to zis city.”
If Celestia was not angry before, she certainly was now.
“How dare you deface my home with this… crude work!”
“Ah, ze silleh little Princess has no taste for culture because she es a hopeless afterling!” he cried, pointing at her. “You have no honor, dim-witted daughters of flag-fallen fools!”
“My guards will tear this monstrosity to the ground! Do you hear me!?” she yelled.
Deep down, Celestia knew it would not be that easy. Somehow these things had managed to overpower her entire Royal Guard and capture her castle. There was not a guard to be seen anywhere, but how did they do it? How could they have defeated that entire force and her sister to take control of the royal castle?
That thought, in turn, brought another, more horrifying one. Where was Luna? She was in the castle, so what happened to her? She could have escaped, but that was unlikely, as she would have come to tell her of the castle’s fall. Was she dead; had she been executed by these evil things? Maybe she was being held prisoner? Either way, Celestia knew she had to find out.
“What have you done with my sister!?” she shouted. “Where is Luna!?”
“Hello sister!” the dark blue alicorn shouted, appearing on the wall alongside the French guard. “Have you met our new friends?”
Celestia stared at her sister, shocked and confused.
“L-Luna? Are you alright?” she asked.
“You should not talk in such a manner to our guests, especially ones as kind and charming as these,” Luna replied, a happy grin on her face. “Look at us! We have taken them into our home with open hooves!”
“W-what!?”
“She’s a very nice, eh?” the guard said. “She’ll make a lovely queen!”
“Queen!?” Celestia howled angrily, getting a crazy look in her eye and charging her horn. “That is enough! I will not be betrayed by my own sister! I will blast this castle into space if I must! I will throw you all into the sun!”
The French guard chuckled to himself and quickly turned to his comrades hiding behind the wall.
“Fetchez le bouchon!”
Celestia aimed her horn at the castle while Twilight watched, not thinking it wise to interfere. Before she could fire, something shot down from the top of the wall of what looked like a sling shot, and struck the tip of her horn. Looking oddly at it, she noticed it was a mere cork. But as she tried to start her magic again, she found it blocked by the tiny object.
“W-what!?” she stammered. “How!?”
“You knaw on that, you daggle-tailed blonk!” the guard laughed.
Celestia, pretty much out of options, resorted to running up and banging angrily on the door.
“I demand that you open this sacred sanctuary at once!” she repeated, not really thinking anything would change.
“So, you sink you can out-clever us French folk vith your silly knees-bent runnin’ about behavior?” the guard called down, as others joined him on the wall. “I wave mah private parts at your aunties you heaving lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters!”
“It truly is not flattering to act this way, Tia,” Luna called down with a chuckle. “Perhaps if you had retained the Royal Canterlot Voice, you would hold more authority!”
“Open! Now!” Celestia demanded again.
“No chance, horsey bedwetting types!” the guard answered. “I burst mah pimples at you and call your daughter an unrequested silly-thing; you tinneh-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms!”
“If you do not open we shall take this castle by force,” Celestia warned as a last bluff.
Rather than respond to yet another empty threat, the French guards resorted to attacking her again. Rather than throw objects at her, they instead poured a stream of liquid down onto her. A long, dank, smelly, ugly-looking stream, followed by a few solid bits that hit her in the head.
“Ugh! This is…. Ugh,” she sighed, finally accepting defeat and turning away from the gate.
Twilight, who was still standing aside, watched her go by.
“Um… Princess Celestia? What do we do now?” she asked.
“I’m staying at the library for a while, Twilight,” Celestia replied.
“But what about-”
“Walk away, just ignore them.”
As the two trotted off, the French began to toss all manner of things at them, including rocks and more animals.
“No! remain you illegitimates-faced buggerfouls! And if you think ya think ya gotta nasty taunt this time you ain’t heard nothing yet!”
Author's Note
Remember when I said this was just one chapter?
I'm honestly stunned at how popular this has become. Like really; it's not that good guys, it's something I wrote one night when I was tired and had nothing to do. It's just a trend thing; not much compared to stories others have written, or even I wrote.
I mean, it's not terrible, it's nice for a little laugh; but there's a ton of other stories out there with so much more work and thought and detail. Those ones with substance are what stand the test of time.
And on an unrelated note, Christ an accurate French accent is hard to do! It's like an odd middle-ground between English and German, which geographically made sense. I feel like I overdid it the first time, so I toned it back here; though I have a feeling it might have been by too much. And I'm sure I butchered the actual French phrase... so sorry for that.
Anyways, I hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading!
