It was a dark and stormy night. The night of May 13th, 1978, to be exact. In a hospital room in Canterlot, a foal was born to Dark Evil Exilir and a virgin Shooting Star. But not just any other boring old foal also born that exact same second.
See, this foal was the first member of the Sparkle family to not be a Unicorn. Now, you might be thinking to yourself, "But that's a misconception! There have been a dozen or so Earth ponies in the Sparkle bloodline if you trace it back far enough!" But this foal wasn't a dumb Earth pony! He was... STAR SHINE "The Mint" SPARKLE THE ALICORN! A super awesome Alicorn, too! The moment he was pooped out fireworks went off, angels descened from the heavens and gave him a cresent moon that the Sparkle family wears all the time and Lauren Faust weeped in happiness. And he already had his Cutie Mark, could speak 5,000,000 different languages, knew MAGICK, could fly and was a ruthless bounty hunter! Seriously, he killed his doctor the moment he popped out! With a knife that he crafted in the womb from that cheesy stuff he was covered in!
But there was a reason for all this. See, millions of billions of trillions of tens of years ago, a clan of Humani (a sub-species of humans) were eating some doughnuts (and sub-species of donuts) did some kind of equation and figured out that a champion would be born millions of billions of trillions of ten of years later to not only save the world from the bullies that had bullied him for being an emo-goth-kawaii-otaku Brony, but hook with Celestia because Star Shine was her first protege and was better then Twilight Sparkle, his dumb cousin who totally didn't deserve royality and called Star Shine mean names like "Gary Stu".
Anyways, Star Shine grew up in his father's manor, but his father beat him so be sad. His only friends were his right hoof and his brother/mother, who was this rare and unbreabkle geis (which is this super evil magikal vow) that forced her to never tell anypony about what was going on! Hoofy didn't tell anypony, but he was kind of busy.
But everything changed on Star Shine's 5th birthday, when the Gods decided that his father had served his purpose of making my ruthless, so the gods struck him with an unpronoucable disease. Star Shine's father died three weeks later.
And speaking of three weeks later, that's also when found the book on ASTRAL MAGICK, an uber kind of magick that is a million billion times better then thr boring old "Elements Of Harmony". I mean, do those dull old elements MAGES?! That's right, pure, undistilled MAGES!
But here's another reason why ASTRAL MAGICK is better then the dumb elements: ASTRAL MAGICK hasn't been corrupted by equations and science and all that nonsense! The Everfree Forest is, like the only place in Equestria where MAGICK hasn't been brought down by the man, man! MAGICK is believing, motherbuckers! And technology is awesome! Except when fighting against Demons and Dave.
Anyways, awesome mythos about planewalkers and Waterworld gate aside, he learned everything about ASTRAL MAGICK and killed his father with it for beating his mother/brother! He was nothing but a stupid black mark on the floor that looked so ugly, Star Shine burned down the manor.
But he was not toally lost! He joined a bounty hunter's guild by the name of "Elder Scrolls Fire" and totally revamped everything. The stupid mean commander didn't like what Star Shine was doing, but soon realized the errors and made him the Number One bounty hunter, though Star Shine requested to be Number Eight out of humbleness, though he was the best fighter ever by dual weilding blades and stuff! He prefered a fair fight. Oh, and there was this griffion who saved Star Shine's life before he joined the guild, but he saved his life a billion times more and gave him this powerful curse amulet! He died later out of awe.
Anyways, he once had to hunt this Earth pony who looked like a zebra (but wasn't a zebra) who had powers over nature (but she wasn't as cool as Star Shine) named Leaf Beef. She was Druish apparently, but she didn't look Druish. And everybody wanted to kill her! Yes, everyBODY, because the correct term for a living being is PEOPLE, not PONY. And, yes, Star Shine read about there being Druish ponies once, so they totally exist!
But then, after her family was killed (not by Star Shine, 'cause the jobs were sloppy and the goverment told them not to, but those other people were were buttholes), Star Shine brought Leaf Beaf back to his guild where she met all of Star Shine's sla- sidekicks: the Griffin archer Viva La Gloria, the Anime wolf Loco, the minotaur paladin Hellrelatedname and the zebra alchemist Zararararara. So they were hunting this powerful demon and all that's when Star Shine realized that Leaf Beef would be the perfect buck-buddy and-
"Stop, stop, I've heard enough," Mary Sue cut in, one of her hooves on her forehead.
"W-why? I haven't finished yet," Star Shine said, a little upset.
"Well, I've been trying to listen and..." Mary stopped partway through her sentence, trying to come up with the right words. "Look, kid, it's terrible."
"What!?" Star Shine exclaimed. "How can it be terrible? It has, like, over 2000 words!"
"And I've heard all I need," Mary said. "No way on bucking Earth are we doing this."
"But I worked so hard on this!" Star Shine whined. "Look, half of the story is in italics! That's cool right?!"
"It's not," Mary replied. "...Oh come on, don't cry! Don't be a baby!"
"But I spent all night on this!" Star Shine cried. "I told my stupid parents this would make me famous!"
"Well, I'm sorry, it's not going to," Mary told The Mint. "My advice would be to forget all about this and start from scratch. This is nothing but a fantasy and it doesn't deserve to be published."
"But isn't ALL fanfiction fantasy?" Star Shine whimpered.
"...Well, yes, but they're not horribly written fantasies," Mary said. "Seriously, kid. Go home and write something better. Make yourself seem less God-like and then we'll talk.
"Alright," Star Shine muttered, sniffing back a tear. And with that, he got up and left.
"...You didn't have to be so hard on him," Nyx commented after a few moments.
"Were you even listening?!" Mary demanded. "The way he was telling his story, it seemed like he was the second coming of Whatshisface or whatever!"
"I would've tried to be a lot more helpful," Nyx told Mary.
"And you're so much better then me," Mary sarcastically agreed.
"What? No, I never-"
"Admit it, Nyx," Mary interrupted, "you think you're better then me and you totally would have let that story go through."
"Well, I wouldn't have, but..."
"Exactly," Mary said. "Not even you can let stuff like that go through."
"But what about Amber?" Nyx asked. "She started off as a Mary Sue, but then she got better."
"True, true, but there's no hope for him."
"Maybe..."
"...Can I go home now?" Twilight Sparkle asked.
Author's Note
I'm being serious here. I don't mean this story as an insult. But maybe if Dragonlover sees this, he'll make his story better. As I've mentioned, Amber and her story, Loyalty Of Sands, started out terrible, but eventually got better as the author kept rewriting it. My advice to Dragonlover would be to cut the Alicorn nonsense, make him not related to Twilight, throw out everything related to Astral Magic and mages... My advice would be to write something else and take a photo of your computer screen.
