Rubber Chickens- The Ultimate Weapons of Mass Destruction
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Rubber Chickens- The Ultimate Weapons of Mass Destruction
Celestia bolted into the throne room, slamming the door with her magic and barricading it just as a stampede of draconequii smashed into it. Muffled shrieks of "CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!" drifted through the solid oaken door as Celestia caught her breath and trotted over to where her sister stood with Princess Cadence and Shining Armour. The four ponies exchanged glances, gazing fearfully at the door as the voices continued shrieking.
A minute later the voices outside slowly died away until only one draconequus was speaking. "Minions," he announced. "It is now time for a game of... RUBBER CHICKEN HOCKEY!"
There was a loud cheer, and then the voice spoke again. "And I know just what to use as a puck." There was a sound of something smashing, and the voice said, "Whoopsie. Oh well, there are plenty more plates in here..." This sentence was punctuated by more smashing noises.
Luna hissed through her teeth but Celestia cast her a warning glance; the destruction of the royal collection of commemorative plates was preferable to being trampled to death by an army of Discords.
At last there was silence outside. Celestia motioned to the others to stay back and, cautiously, she advanced on the door. Slowly, she opened it a crack and peered out with a suspicious pink eye. The hall was deserted, aside from a heap of shattered china.
Celestia opened the door wider, only for a draconequus head to poke around the corner at the other end of the hall and cry, "Yoohoo!"
Celestia slammed the door, then turned around just in time to see shadows fall across every window of the throne room as many bearded, grinning faces pressed up against the glass to leer in at the four ponies. There was a crunch of breaking glass and Celestia led the charge out of the room, rubber chickens raining down on the four ponies along with the jesting cries of "Chaos! Yay!"
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After the ponies had fled, Discord himself sauntered into the room, his own rubber chicken hefted over his shoulders. Around him, precisely a hundred draconequui milled about and laughed, each and every one an identical copy of him. Discord smiled a toothy grin and cried out, "CHAOS!"
The answer came back almost immediately: a deafening roar of "CHAOS!" from all of the draconequui, although Discord could have sworn he heard at least one cry of "ENTROPY!". Frowning, he looked for the culprit, but then shrugged and began speaking again.
"Okay, so apparently the red team won that match, although I've no idea since I don't have a clue who was on which team. According to my record that means the magenta team is still in the lead by 7 quazillion and the square root of pi points-"
The whole assembled company cheered, "MAGENTA!". Discord put his paw to his face.
"No, you can't all be the magenta team. Now, raise your claw if you're in the red team."
No-one moved. Discord sighed. "You there, near the window. Weren't you on the red team?"
The draconequus shrugged. "I thought I was on the green team."
Another draconequus next to him said, "No, that can't be right, because I'm on your team but I'm in the yellow team..."
"Well I'm on the blue team." said a draconequus on the other side of the room.
"No, you're on the cyan team with me."
"But you're on the pink team!"
"No, he's on my team and I'm on the silver team."
"QUIET!" shouted Discord. "For chaos' sake, I only split you into 25 teams! You should know which one you're in. Now, get in your teams."
Seconds later, the draconequui had split themselves into 25 teams of four. Discord smiled with relief. "Good. Remember, there's no gold team, just me, Discord Prime, a team all on my own, who gets to wear the gold ribbon. Now, manifest a ribbon which is your team's colour and tie it around your tail."
"Well that's not fair. I don't want to walk around with a pink ribbon on my tail," a draconequus standing at the back of the room interjected.
"We aren't the pink team, you imbecile. They're the pink team," said one of his team-mates, pointing with a claw to another team near one of the broken windows.
"No, we're the white team! The pink team is over there," said one of the Discords in this team, jabbing his paw at yet another team.
"Actually, we're the green team," a Discord in this team replied.
"No, we're the green team!" chorused all the draconequui at once, tying green ribbons around their tails. Discord gave an exasperated sigh, flopping down onto Celestia's throne.
"That'
The horde of draconequui, now without an aim or purpose, shuffled through the castle. On occasion one would warble "Chaos?" and the others would reply, but then fall silent again. Finally, one, a pink ribbon tied around his tail, stopped in his tracks. "Fellows." he declared, "Do you not feel that we should go and seek somewhere or somepony to cause chaos for?"
"Yeah! What about those princesses from earlier!" said one enthusiatically.
"What were their names again? Dollestia, Boomer and Cadaver, wasn't it?"
"No, it was Trollestia, Woona and Canneloni."
"You're both wrong. Their names are Tortillastia, Reggae Regguna and Her Most Royal Lady Of Chickendance."
"What? Okay, forget it. Who's hungry?" said the first draconequus who'd spoken.
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieked all of his companions, rampaging off in the direction of the castle kitchens.
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Shut in the royal bathroom- the only room without windows- the three princesses were sitting in counsel. Shining Armour was hiding in the stallion's bathroom alone.
"So what are we going to do about the Discords?" asked Cadence
"I say we eliminate them all." said Luna, stamping a dark blue hoof.
"Easier said than done, dear sister." said Celestia gravely. "However, I do remember my faithful student's friend Pinkie Pie sending me a letter about this kind of thing a few weeks ago. It seems these copies of Discord originate from a mysterious pool hidden deep in the Everfree forest. Pinkie wrote in her letter that they had sealed the entrance to the cave which the pool is in, but I would not put it past Discord to get in somehow."
"So how was the issue in Ponyville solved?"
"Well, Twilight found a spell which sent the copies back to the pool, but she and the other Elements had to work out which of the Pinkies was the true Pinkie Pie- otherwise they might have sent her back to the pool."
"Why bother with that here? Send them all back to the pool. No more problem." said Luna.
"Luna, I know Discord is a hoof-ful, but he would prove a powerful ally should Equestria ever face an attack from outside. We would be foolish indeed to trap him somewhere we cannot reach him should he be needed to assist us." Celestia chided.
Cadence nodded her head. "He may indeed be rather irritating at times- like now, and like when he pulled that stunt with the poison joke, but he is a very powerful being."
Discord Prime's face suddenly appeared on a ceiling tile. "I must admit, that's very pleasant of you to say, Cadence. Oh, F.Y.I, I am actually 'the original', though I prefer Discord Prime.""
"Discord!" snapped Celestia. "I thought the poison joke was bad, but this is just too far. What if your clones get out into Equestria?"
"Plus," Luna added crossly, "this is a mare's bathroom."
Celestia gave her sister an incredulous look, but Discord just melted out of the tile onto the floor. "Fine, Loony, if you're going to make such a fuss." Discord snapped his claw and turned back into the female version of himself the poison joke had turned him into. He gave a high-pitched giggle. "Oooh... girly gathering in the bathroom! Here, let's top up our make-up while we're here." Discord produced some face-paints and made up Luna's face into a clown's.
Luna began to wipe the paint away with a towel as Discord turned to Celestia. "So what shall we talk about, my gal-pals?" he asked as he painted Celestia's face into a ginger cat. "I don't know about you ladies, but I think that draconequus I've seen running around the castle all morning is prett-y dishy." He looked at the three stony faces, one smeared with clown paint and one of the others orange and stripy with thick black whiskers. "Suit yourselves," he said airily as he painted Cadence's face as a Dalmatian. "So what else do girls talk about, aside from make-up and boys? Oh, I know... fashion." He snapped his fingers again and his black tresses turned purple and curled into a parody of Rarity's.
Discord wrapped himself in a pink towel. "This dress of mine is simply to die for, am I right ladies?" He struck a few poses in the mirror, batting his eyelids.
Celestia magically removed her face-paint. "In all seriousness, Discord, your clones pose a real threat to Equestria, and I must ask that you help us in gathering them up and sending them back to the pool."
"I will, but only when they start cramping my style." Discord gave a theatrical sigh. "Well, girls, this has been fun, but it's time for us to go out and face our lives of hardship as strong mares once more." Discord paused on the way out and pulled a strange device from nowhere. "Hashtag Selfie!" he said, making a duck face as the device flashed. All three princesses- Luna and Cadence still with their 'make-up' were caught on the picture, eyes wide in confusion. They looked at each other in bemusement as Discord swept out.
Discord Prime sauntered down the corridor, still wrapped in his towel. Just then his clones came clamouring around the corner ahead, bearing chocolate milk moustaches and covered in splattered tomatoes and custard. They laughed and sniggered- and then they looked ahead, spotted Discord Prime and stopped suddenly.
Discord couldn't even say anything before he was surrounded by clones offering him bouquets of poison joke and trick boxes of chocolates. Various cheesy chat-up lines flew in his direction.
"My friend thinks you're hot, and if it's any consolation so do I."
" Do you have any raisins? How about a date then?"
"Hi, I'm doing a survey ...What's your name? What's your address? Are you free next Saturday?"
"See my friend over there? He wants to know if you think I'm cute."
"Fat Penguin!" one draconequus suddenly yelled, and despite how unorthodox the situation already was all of the other draconequui turned to look at him. "What?" he said. "I just wanted to say something which would break the ice."
The others blinked at him, and then turned around at the sound of a claw snapping. Discord Prime, male once again, stood there covered in poison joke leaves. He dusted them off. "Great. I'll have to take a bath again tonight. Now, let's get back to our tournament. Get into your teams."
But his clones just looked at him. Then "Where did she go?" one asked, and the query rose in volume until the clones began to yell at the top of their voices,
"GIRL DRACONEQUUS! GIRL DRACONEQUUS, WHERE ARE YOU? I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME, SO CAN I CALL YOU MINE?" There was a mutual chuckle, and then the shouting resumed. "GIRL DRACONEQUUS....?"
The clones began to disperse in small clusters, wandering the corridors calling. Discord Prime huffed.
"Minions, there never was a female draconequus. It was just- an illusion!" Discord quickly hid the truth. But the clones were getting further away, and few even acknowledged him. Discord stomped back to the mare's bathroom, where the Princesses were just emerging. They glared at Discord as they wiped the last of the paint from their faces. "They're cramping my style," Discord said flatly, and the princesses looked at each other with 'We knew it' on their faces.
Meanwhile, one even more battered draconequus was wandering the halls alone, muttering grimly and twitching, his eyes crazed. "Entropy." he murmured. "Entropy."
He barely noticed when a group of guards appeared around a corner ahead. The guards braced themselves, ready to fight, but the draconequus just walked past them, manifesting a colourful balloon as he went and tying it to his tail. Another balloon appeared as he rounded the corner and vanished. The lead guard shook his head and the patrol continued through the castle, searching for the princesses.
Minutes later, the draconequus, still murmuring "Entropy," to himself over and over, was drifting off in the direction of Ponyville, carried by many balloons.
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