Bacchus and Benjy

by Satin

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 11017

A new discovery, a couple of friends, and a town filled with mares. What could go wrong?

What would you say if I wrote out of tense?
Would you stand up and walk out on me?

…what was I doing? Oh right a description!
Two stallions walk into a bar… that they made… in Ponyville… (ahhhh I gotta get through this without making a joke!)
My little ponies adventure into booze, mares, and shenanigans.

Oh I get by with a little help from my friends.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-24 17:55:29 UTC

Chapter 1

*Author's Note* Thank you to the real authors that have helped my story become better than i could have ever possibly made it.  I appreciate all your help guys.

Chapter 1

“How long is this supposed to take again?” Benjy asks across from me.  “We aren’t goin to get there till early tomorrow". I state. “hmmph”

My names Bacchus, an earth pony from the city of Manehattan.  I’m one of the largest colts I’ve ever met. I’ve got a dark red body with short, and dark orange hair.  I’m also fairly husky… And by husky I mean fat.  I’m not way overweight, but… Well whatever.  Benjy is fairly fit Pegasus on the other hoof.  Everything about him is green, from his light green body to his long dark green hair with stripes of a lighter green every so often. The only thing not green is his Cutie Mark, an art palette.

My Cutie Mark on the other hoof is a tankard. I’m the pony that found out how to make alcohol completely on purpose and without anypony else’s help!  Ha!  Not really. Actually, all of this came to pass because of my best friend and assistant Benjy.  If not for his carelessness of leaving a barrel of cider in the shed, and letting it mature I would have never found my talent for getting everypony drunk and happy.

And that’s why I’m here on a train from Appaloosa to Ponyville, looking for an apple distributor so I can keep up with the demand.  Appaloosa was a bust! Apparently, they have some sort of deal with the buffalo and can’t spare the apples.

“And then there was another mare that had on this really sexy looking dress, and she was on stage dancing to the hick music they were playing” I snap back to my conversation with Benjy.

I turn back to him and say “Dood, how can you hit on every mare that comes across your path?”

“Easy, I’m not a repressed pony like yourself.”

“I don’t know how you get any mares with that stupid face of yours!”

We both laugh at each other.  This is what it’s always been like with us.  Giving each other crap so we can pull each other up.

This one time at a bar (that we helped build up in popularity with my magical elixir), Benjy picked up this awfully loud unicorn in a ridiculous cape and hat and managed to convince her to come back to our apartment.  I decided to give them some privacy till morning, and when I got back she was on her way out as I was on my way in.

I asked him how his night was, and he simply replied “How could you let me go home with that?” From then on I’ve been referring to his, in hoof quotes, sexual prowess as “great and powerful.”  He hates being reminded, but it makes me laugh my flank off.

As I stare out the window of the train, I can only hope we strike some delicious apple gold in this next town.  As I start to go to sleep, I can already here Benjy’s snoring.

“Tomorrow is going to be a good day”. I say to nopony in particular.  As I dream I start to see wonderful images of a new distillery, a new workshop, and a whole bunch of fillies Benjy hasn’t ruined by hitting on em.

I jolt awake as soon as the train stops.  I then knock Benjy awake “Hey jackass, wake up! I need help with these good faith barrels of hard cider.”

He glares at me for a second and responds “I ain’t your workpony! I’m your assistant, and your friend. Do it your own self.”

I sigh as I, after several tries; hitch up the cart holding the booze.  “Well then, let’s go meet this Apple family and see if we finally have a supplier.”  We exit the train and as we do all I can hear, apart from the train, is somepony yelling in a thick southern accent.

“Big Mac! Big Mac!”

I trudge off the train, and the last thing I see before getting tackled into my own cart is a flash of orange and a Stetson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EJO58JItZt8 (you’re welcome everypony)

I jump back in surprise, and my head collides into one of the barrels and I see the orange blotch on top of me as the birdies start to spin.  I then shake my head as the image comes into view.

“Y’all ain’t Big Mac!”

“I’m sorry, I guess?”

She looks a wee bit embarrassed as she climbs off me “sorry bout that, Ah’m AppleJack and Ah’m lookin for mah big bro.”

I start to stand up, and try to respond “All good, I’m Bacchus and I’m…” That’s as far as I got.  As I slip into darkness as a try to stand up.  I dream of apples... What a wonderful smell.

“Well whose fault do you think it is!?!”  I hear my brony friend yell.  I hear a tomboyish voice answer in the exact same decibel range

“DO YOU THINK IT’S HERS!?”

“WELL YEAH!”

I drag myself up, and inspect the damage in a nearby mirror “not too bad” I say aloud. It’s just a bandage around my head.  As I look around, I try to find my bearings

Books!  Lots of books!

Everywhere, along the walls, in a pile on the floors, even in little piles on the steps.

I wobble a bit as I get up off of this… (I check) couch, it’s a couch

I then wander towards the voices, this yelling really isn’t helping this headache and it’s time to get a few answers.

I see Benjy exchanging words with a cyan colored pegasus with a rainbow mane.

“Hey can you all keep it down for a bit? I was having this wonderful dream about apples and I’d really enjoy finishing it.”

They both stop arguing and turn to me.  Benjy flies over to me and gives me a hoofbump. “Welcome back to consciousness my brother”

“Where are we? A book depository or something?”

A voice to my side answers “You’re in my home, the Ponyville library. My name is Twilight Sparkle.  My friends brought you here after your *ahem* accident.”

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I turn to her as my mind starts to go to work.  We are in a library with 5 other ponies other than Benjy.  There’s the purple unicorn (Twilight), the cyan pegasus that had been arguing with Benjy, the orange pony with that cool Stetson, a cream colored pegasus that was hiding in the corner, and a fairly attractive white unicorn.  Something about them seems a bit familiar as I look at all of them but nothing comes to mind.

I come to a conclusion a second later.  “Hey can I talk to Benjy alone real quick?  I’ve got to discuss something with him.”

We move into the room where I woke up.

“Sup buddy?” he asks

“Look man, we’re in new a town and we can’t afford to ruffle any feathers.  You know how small towns are.  They stick together, and for all we know these ponies could have some pull in this community.  We just need to chill out and befriend them.”

“…well fine, if you think that’s the right thing to do.”

“One small thing” I venture “I’d also like you to apologize to that pegasus.”

“WHAT!”

I stare at him for a bit, “Please?”

“UGH FINE, I’ll go rollover but I hope this is worth it”

I smile, I’m glad his stubbornness didn’t get the best of him.  As we walk back into the room with the other ponies I know bump into Benjy’s side and he smiles back knowingly.  The 5 ponies stop talking and turn to us as we reenter the room.

“Well I guess it’s time for introductions” says Twilight.  She motions to the unicorn with the lovely mane “This is Rarity, she is the premier fashion designer in Ponyville and is the owner of the Carousel Boutique”

“I’m charmed, darlings” says Rarity, almost regally.

Twilight then motions to the cream colored pegasus who has come out of hiding since the yelling stopped “This is Fluttershy, and much like her name she can be a bit shy when it comes to newcomers”

I walk over to her and extend a hoof in greeting; she seems a bit unsure of this at first and then returns the hoof bump.

“You don’t need to worry about me, I’m just a big softie when it comes down to it” I poke at my side as I say this and laugh.  She manages to give me a little chuckle as the rest just smile at the joke.

“That argumentative Pegasus over there’s name is Rainbow Dash” Rainbow glares at Twilight before responding

“Yeah Yeah Yeah”

“And finally we have a pony that you’re physically familiar with, Applejack” Twilight chuckles as Applejack’s turn a lovely shade of red.

I give her a wink.

“I sure am sorry bout knockin you into your cart this mornin’” She looks down and crosses her front hooves, “I was waiting for mah big bro to come back from Appaloosa and when I saw you, I sorta assumed it was him”

“Do I look that much like him?”

“Well you’re as big as him and same basic colors as you, although hes a bit lighter in color, I just couldn’t see the difference in that thar morning light.”

“Well that’s in the past now, I forgive ya.  Well as you all know by now my name is Bacchus and this is my assistant and best friend Benjy.”

“Sup”

I throw a glance over to him.

“Oh right, Rainbow Dash I’m sorry that I was yelling at you earlier.  Things got a little heated, but I’m sure you understand, my friend was hurt and I lost my head. I’m sorry.”

“No prob, I can definitely see where you’re comin from.  I couldn’t stand to see any of my friends hurt and yelling is probably the nicest thing I would do too.”

As the apologies come to a close I can hear a bell ring.

“That’s the front door” says Twilight as she rushes to go see who it is.  I turn back to my new acquaintances.

“Well then do you all know who runs the “ BOOM!

An explosion erupts behind me as confetti and streamers fly all over the room, I’m totally covered in colorful party favors.

As I turn around I find a cannon aimed in my general direction with a pink, pink isn’t even the right color it’s more of OH CELESTIA ALL THE PINK color, pony at it's helm.

“And finally” Twilight huffs ”this is Pinkie Pie. “

*Authors Note

I wanted to break up the Introductions from the /spoiler party that Pinkie throws the new colts in town so sorry for the shorter chapter

Chapter 3ish

Chapter 3

It’s not a surprise party, but that was quite surprising.  This mare brought enough food, party favors, and drinks for all of us.  I’m surprised how far out of the way these ponies will go to welcome a couple of strange ponies that they met that morning, by accident.  It’s really quite endearing.

She bombards us with questions, but doesn't even wait for an answer. The  other girls try and keep her in check as best they can.

Pinkie talks at a million miles an hour but after a while you get used to it.

As the mares start to set everything up on the kitchen table I get a wonderful idea.

“Hey Benjy! Did you bring the casks here?” I ask.

“Yup, I wasn’t gonna leave them at the train station when we brought you here.” He rolled his eyes, the statement dripping with sarcasm.

“That’s amazing you actually did some work, I’m so happy we should dedicate this party to it.” I chuckle to myself.  “I think we can spare a couple of them to honor our gracious hosts and so can show off our wares.”  I wave a hoof at the six mares and share a smile with Benjy as he looks at me inquisitively.

“I thought we were saving them to help convince this Apple family to sell us apples real cheap?”  He questioned while motioning to the cart.

“We brought six casks; I think we can spare 2 maybe even 3.”

“Whatever you say boss.”

As Benjy speeds off to go roll in a few barrels, I go over to the mares to discuss my idea.

“Benjy and I are actually here in Ponyville to find a supplier for our hard apple cider” I explain as they all begin questioning me with their eyes.

“Hard apple cider?” Applejack questions.

“I’m betting on cider that you eat!” exclaims Pinkie Pie

“Not exactly. It’s a drink I came up with which is why I have this bad boy right here.” I turn and show them my cutie mark, the tankard was a mark of honor, though most people didn’t understand why.

“A glass?” asks Twilight staring hard at it.

“No!” I exclaim “A tankard! You see this drink isn’t like regular apple cider, this will make you feel better and better as you drink it!” I leave out the bit about drinking too much of it.  No need to scare my future customers away with negative details.  They still seem apprehensive about this, but seeing my enthusiasm, they agree to try it.

Benjy rolls in a barrel, I tap it, the cups are filled up, and the fun begins.  We all sit down around the dining room table, I sit in between Twilight and Benjy.  The glasses clink together as we all yell “CHEERS!”  I laugh as I watch the mares take their first draught of my cider.  I can see a whole range of emotions wash over their faces, from disgust to surprise to happiness.  It’s a priceless scene.  I take a large gulp out of my glass I observe the multicolored mares in front of me and something clicks in my memory.

I finally realize why I recognize these ponies.

I lean over to Benjy.  “Do you remember when we made the tribute to Princesses?”  I look at the ponies again and smile as realization dawns on me.

“Oh you mean when I almost got banished?”  We both start cracking up; this draws the attention of the ponies.

“Anything you’d like to share with the group?” Twilight asks, a little upset that we began laughing spontaneously.

“I finally know why you guys seem familiar!” I exclaim, “Benjy and I had made a tribute of  cider to the Princesses.  She was giving a tour of the castle when we went into this room with these large stain glass windows.  You guys are the Elements of Harmony aren’t you?”

“We sure are Sugarcube!” says Applejack “But that doesn’t explain the laugh ya’ll shared.” She still looks a bit upset, like we may have insulted them.

“Well you see” Benjy begins, “The princesses whole heartedly accepted our tribute, and then offered to share it with us.  I didn’t quite know my limits yet and as the night wore on I kinda got it into my head that Princess Luna was into me.”  There were a few moments of silence after he completed this sentence before everypony broke out into laughter.

Many an embarrassing story was told that night, from Applejack poisoning everyone with baked bads to Fluttershy demanding that everyone at the Gala love her.  It finally came for my embarrassing story, and I was blanking.

Benjy looks over to me and nods “Don’t worry I got this one for ya Bach.”  Oh no I mentally say to myself, anyone but that one “In a bar in Manehattan, Bach and I had gone to relax and Bach decides to hit on this dark blue Earth pony, he walks up to it and asks if he could by it a drink, this pony bucks him so hard he rolls.  Apparently the colt didn't appreciate getting hit on.”

“IN MY DEFENSE, he had a very pretty mane.”  It’s an embarrassing story but I’ve learned to laugh at it.  I’ve even stopped blushing so much when Benjy tells it.  It also gets some very big laughs out of the girls.  Even Rarity lets out very unlady like guffaw.

“I’m sorry my game isn’t all GREAT AND POWERFUL like yours Benjy” I finally say after the laughing has died down.  He looks away and I smile in victory.

The night winds down from there.  You’ll be surprised to find that Fluttershy wasn’t the first to get drunk, that honor goes to Applejack and Rainbow Dash.  They had challenged each other to a drinking contest.  The Earth pony won, but they were both pretty much gone afterward.

With Twilight's direction, I take them both up to her guest bed and as I tuck them in Applejack says to me, "but Mac i dont wanna go to bed."  She is absolutely adorable.

"Come on little mare, it's time" I say lightly as I place her in bed.

She nuzzles my neck a bit before finally rolling over and quickly falling to sleep.  This elicits a big smile from me.

I must really look like her brother.

As I come back downstairs i see Rarity, Pinkie, and Fluttershy on their way out.  "Well darling, we had a wonderful evening but I’m afraid it's time for bed." says Rarity as she smiles warmly, albeit with a hint of weariness.

"Be safe.  I'm very happy to find some friends such as yourself in this town." I respond happily.

She smiles and walks out the door with Fluttershy and Pinkie in tow.  I turn back to the last remnants of the party, and what I see doesn't surprise me at all.

Benjy is a fast worker when it comes to mares.  He has one wing wrapped around Twilight as he leans in and talks to her.

I walk back up to table and give a big fake *COUGH*

Benjy jumps back in his seat and retracts his wing.  I throw him a glare.

"Well, I think it's time to hit the hay.  I'm sorry that Rainbow and AJ took the guest bed, but the couch is still open." says Twilight.

"No problem Twilight, we'll figure out sleeping arrangements." I respond as I smile at her.

She smiles and then goes up to her bed.

"You know we wouldn't have this problem if you hadn't interrupted" says Benjy.

"Yeah I know, and I'm sorry about that," I say sarcastically, "I just don't wanna be run out of town by the locals because you can't keep your moves to yourself."

"Like you?"  Benjy replied coldly.

"Yeah like me."  I say, without missing a beat.

"So what do you think of these mares?"  he asks after a few moments.

"I rather like them, super friendly, and I can't  help but say...  dibs on the southern bell!"  A smile breaks across my face as I think about Aj nuzzling my neck.

He laughs, "Alright, dibs on the rest of them then."  Benjy says, butting his shoulder into mine.

I smile.

"Well then," he says, "I call the couch since you coltblocked me.  Whats your plan."

"I think i might just stay up a bit longer and watch Celestia raise the Sun and finish this barrel off." We had gone through one barrel and almost through the second.

"I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink alone anymore."  Worry creeped into his voice.

"I'm not drinking out of sadness," I say matter-of-factly, "I'm just not letting it go to waste."

He huffs and then starts making his way to the couch, "Alright, g'night Bach."

"Good night, Benjy"  I say lightly.

I fill up my glass with the remaining cider and take it outside to watch the sunrise.

As I drink from my glass, I wonder how lucky I was to have been knocked out by that pretty young mare.  I should really find that apple farm tomorrow, the business should come first.

My eyes droop as I finish up my drink.

I can't wait to see what today has in store for me...

*Author's note

Thanks a whole bunch Kintra and his wonderful proof-reading skills that i severely lack.

Chapter 4 STUFF HAPPENS

Chapter 4

“Who are you?” a young male voice asks.

I slowly wake up and yawn.  Ugh must have passed out on the front lawn.  I look up and see a purple baby dragon in front of me.

I shake my head a bit to clear my thoughts.

“Can I help you?” I reply a bit angrily.

“Yeah, what are you doing in front of my house?” he snarls.

He does realize I could hurt him by accidently falling on him right?

“No offence meant my friend; I’m a friend of Twilight’s.  She took us in after Applejack accidently knocked me out at the train station.”

He calms down a bit before reluctantly letting himself into the library.  I follow.

“So what’s your name?” he asks.

“I’m Bacchus, and what’s yours?”

“I’m Spike, Twilight’s assistant.  In fact, I think it’s time to go check on her. ”

He speeds upstairs as I walk into the next room to see… my eyes widen in terror.  The couch is empty.  My heart starts to race and I hold my breath.  CELESTIA BANISH HIM!  Time slows as I turn my head and stare up the stairs waiting for the inevitable scream.

The scream doesn’t come.  No screaming, no yelling.

There comes a voice from upstairs, “That smells delicious!  What’s for breakfast?”

My heart stops.  I run into the kitchen and find Benjy cooking an apple pie for breakfast.  My heart starts beating and I exhale.

Benjy looks over to me.  “Good morning Bacchus, was the front lawn nice and soft?”

I smile.  “It was lovely; does Twi have anything to drink?”

“Yeah, I think we still have all that punch that Pinkie brought over.” He responds.

I go to the kitchen table and find the punch bowl left out from the night before.  I spoon myself and drink a bit of it and gag.  How does one pony put that much sugar into punch?  I poor my cupful of punch back into the bowl and go to get some water instead.

Benjy looks up from the oven as I walk back into the kitchen.

“Punch not good?” he asks.

“Those cupcakes she made for last night were wonderful, I just wouldn’t trust her to make any drinks though.” I reply.

“Well I guess that’s why we’re here!” He says happily.

“You know it!  Anyway, that pie almost done?  I’m bucking starving.”  I smile heartily.

“Almost, you should go tell the girls it’s time for breakfast.”

“I don’t think I have to, Twilight’s assistant, Spike, went up there to check on her.”

Almost on queue the baby dragon walks in with the three mares.

“…I’m just saying, I didn’t know you guys liked each other in that way.”  Spike said and laughed at Rainbow and AJ as they blush.

Everyone but the two embarrassed ponies laugh.

“Alright, whose the wisepony that put me and Rainbow Dash in the same bed!?!”  says Applejack accusingly.

I lift my hoof up, “You’re welcome” and start laughing again.

We all sit down at the kitchen table and wait for the pie to finish.

“So what can you tell me about this Apple family?” I ask the group.

Applejack laughs, “Oh just about everything.”

I look at her with a questioning look.

“Well you see,” she continues, “that’s mah family!”

I facehoof, Applejack!  Of course it’s her family.  I feel rather dumb.

“I can take ya’ll over there after breakfast if ya’d like.”

“I’d really appreciate it.” I say with a weak smile.

“It’s done everypony!” yells Benjy from the kitchen.

He brings it to the table and serves it up and we dig in.

“That’s a mighty fine pie Benjy.”  Says Applejack

Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Spike look up and nod vigorously with a mouthfuls of pie.

We finish and Spike and Twilight get up and start to pick up the dishes to wash them.

“You don’t have to do that!  I don’t mind doing dishes to say thank you for taking us in.” I say hurriedly

“Really?  That’s cool, get to work!”  Responds Spike.

Twilights glares at him for a bit.

“No you have to go meet the Apple family; we should be fine cleaning this up.”  Says Twilight.

“Well thanks for letting us stay the night; it was very kind of you.” I smile

“Yeah, thanks” says Benjy.

“Well boys,” says Applejack, “let’s get on our way.”

I go outside and hitch the cart up with the remaining barrels of cider and begin to follow Applejack to Sweet Apple Acres.

It’s not too long of a walk from the library, but it gives me some time to pump Applejack… for answers.  (you sick bastards, this ain’t a clopfic)

I find out she has 4 ponies in her family; her, Big Macintosh, a little sister named Applebloom, and the head of the family Granny Smith.

As we reach the farm, I see a stallion hard at work that I can only assume is Big Macintosh.  It’s rather surprising to find a pony as big as me.  I approach him and he notices me.  No words are said at first.  We size each other up.  I’m a bit darker in colors and I’ve got some weight on him.  The life of a cider maker has been easy on me, making me a bit squishy; the life of a farmer has crafted him into solid muscle.

I slap on a fake smile, “Nice to meet ya, Big Macintosh!” I stick out my hoof.

He could so kick my flank so hard.  I better rethink hitting on his sister.

He returns the hoofbump, nods, and goes back to bucking apples.

We reach the farm house, and Applejack rushes ahead to go find Granny Smith.  “GRANNY!  We got some fellas that wanna talk to ya about a few business opportunities!”  She yells.

We’re invited in and get sat down at a table to discuss business.  Granny puts in what she describes as her “negotiatin teeth” and I must admit they are quite intimidating.

She samples some of our wares, and in return I sample some of theirs.  These ponies make some of the sweetest apples I’ve ever tasted.  Right then and there I knew I needed to make this deal.

Granny Smith seemed to come to the conclusion I made.  We come to an agreement with a clause that says Granny gets the first few barrels from every batch.  I smile and agree.

Now to figure out the warehouse situation.  I ask AJ if she knew a place that would work.  “There’s some land about halfway from here to Ponyville.”  She says.

“That’s way too convenient.” I say surprised.

Benjy and I acquire our new property after a quick talk with the Mayor and some negotiation on the price.  The Mayor isn’t half the negotiator that Granny Smith is, it must have been the teeth.

Benjy, using his artistic ability, gets to work drawing up the blue prints for our new warehouse.

“You know, we should put a bar on the front of the warehouse.”  He says without looking up from his blue prints.

“That’s a brilliant idea; it’ll let us get some income coming in and give this town a much needed party scene.”  I say.

He smiles, proud of his idea.

“You think we can run it on our own?”  He asks.

“What else do we have to do?” I question.

“No, I mean. Do you think we can keep up with the cleaning, dishes, and bartending?”

“We’ll try, if we can we can.  If we can’t we can hire someone.”  I say.

Construction goes fairly quickly, a month after breaking ground we have our warehouse and bar completed.

A newly painted sign hung over the door.

“The B&B Bar” written in Benjy’s best handwriting with a picture of a tankard with an apple inside of it.

Inside, there is a bar with 6 barstools pulled up to it.  There are tables set up all around the room and in the corner there is a record player with a few albums.  Mostly Benjy’s old records when he was trying to be a singer and pianist.  He was actually pretty good, I thought.  It didn't go anywhere for him; I guess I was the only one that appreciated his music.  Behind the bar was a door to the warehouse and upstairs from the warehouse was Benjy and my respective rooms.  We decided to just live in the warehouse to cut down on costs.

Benjy and I are standing outside the bar admiring our new home and livelihood.

“This is gonna be fun” states Benjy.

“I believe so” I respond happily.

We both smile.

We enter the bar.

The lights flick on by themselves as a whole bunch of ponies yell “SURPRISE!”

I fall back on my haunches and Benjy takes to the air.

It doesn’t surprise me to see Pinkie in charge of this operation.

“Were you surprised? I bet you were surprised.  Benjy looked like he was going to fly off!”  Pinkie says in half a second.

“Yes Pinkie, we were both surprised.” I inform her in a low tone.  “Did you invite everyone in Ponyville?”

“I sure as sugar did!” she responds happily.

Well then, it’ll be good to get the name out that we’re here and ready to start selling.  A crafty business pony as always I guess.

I get up on the bar and yell, “Thank you everypony for coming to welcome us into town!  This is the B&B Bar and as of tomorrow afternoon we will be ready to serve your alcoholic needs.”  I give a bow and smile as everypony cheers.

I get down off the bar and start searching for one pony in particular.  I find her at one of the tables near bar laughing with Pinkie.

“Thank you so much for throwing this party Pink!” I yell over all the other ponies in the room.

“No prob!  It’s what I love doing!”  She yells back.

I sidle up to Applejack.  I haven’t talked to her much since the negotiations.  The business had to come first.  That’s what we were here for.

“Havin fun AJ?”  I ask trying to make small talk.

“Yup, Pinkie’s parties never disappoint” she responds happily.

…

An awkward silence ensues

“I’m glad the bar is finally done.”

“Yup didn’t take much time at all I reckon.”

“Well, I better go find Benjy before he gets into trouble.” I say hoping to break the tension. “It is good to talk to ya again.” I say hoping to get a positive reaction out of her.

“It’s good to talk to ya too, sugarcube” she smiles as she responds.

I find Benjy in story teller mode.  Holding lots of mares attentions with his speaking skills and giving heroic gestures and poses during the telling.  He could always spell bind a group of ponies with his honeyed words.  I see Rainbow Dash and Twilight in the group listening to his stories.  I’ll let him have this one I guess.  I slink off to meet some new ponies; I’ve got to build a rapport with my new customers.

The party lasts a good while before ponies start breaking off and leaving for bed.  The last to leave are the six ponies I had that party with a month ago.  Pinkie is asleep on one of the tables; she must have gotten into one of the barrels in the warehouse.  Everpony else is talking and joking, I’m sitting in between Applejack and Rarity, Benjy is sitting across from me in between Rainbow and Twilight.  He’s retelling a story that I thoroughly enjoy, the story of us becoming in friends.

“So there I was, a young colt just discovering how to fly.  Flying all by lonesome when one of my wings goes out”  The girls gasp, “I couldn’t stop my dive, no matter how much I tried.  Until finally I smack,” WUMP he hits the table for effect, “I land right on top of that big lug there.”  He points a hoof at me, “he saved me from certain doom by catching me.”  I smile.  Not because it’s the beginning of our budding friendship but because I hadn’t been trying to catch him, he just landed on me.  We both spent a couple months in the hospital afterward and during that time together we became the best of friends.

I wasn’t gonna say anything though; it’s a better story the way he tells it.  Also, brownie points with a certain orange mare for my heroics are a big plus.

The mares start to leave after the story.  Fluttershy and Rarity are the first to leave; they both wish us lots of luck with our business.  The rest of the ponies get ready to leave.  Twilight picks up Pinkie with her magic and floats her along.  I stop AJ from leaving with the rest.

“Did ya have a good time?” I ask her tentatively.

“Sure did sugarcube.” She responds happily

“Well I’m glad I got to spend some more time with you.” I smile

“Me too.” She returns the smile before exiting the bar.

“Ugh, that was soooooooo painful!” exclaims Benjy when the girls had left the bar “Just ask her out already!”

I smile.

“Eventually”

Chapter 5: The Reckoning

Author's Note*

I MADE MY PONIES

also note on Benjy, I had originally made this pony for a friend and he is a big Zelda player.  So instead of truth, wisdom, and courage he gets art and an ability to charm all the mares.

and Bacchus should be a bit huskier but that pony maker isn't good for making overweight ponies

Bacchus - http://imgur.com/czA78 (had to change it up a bit)

Benjy - http://imgur.com/aTibZ

Chapter 5

I wake up early the next day.  Today is the first day that the bar is open and everything should be perfect.    The tankards are clean, brand new kegs are tapped, and the record play is in fine working condition.  I look up at the clock.

9:00 am

Why did I get up this early?  We don’t open for another 3 hours.  I start to go back to my room to sleep for another hour or so when the door bell jingles.

“I’m sorry we don’t open till” I look up and see that it’s Twilight “Oh Twilight, hows it goin? What do ya need?”

“Oh um, hey Bacchus.  I was just wondering if Benjy wanted to hang out” asks Twilight shyly.

“I’m sorry Twi, he’s still asleep but I’ll tell him you came by when he gets up.” I respond

“Oh well thanks” she smiles and then takes her leave.

I shake my head, I don’t know how he does it.

Well then, one last thing to do before we open.  A celebratory drink is in order.  I grab a tankard and fill it up from the tap.  I smile as the golden amber liquid fills the glass.  It truly is a beautiful thing.  I hold the tankard up to the light.  Nice and clear.  I take a whiff, a lovely bouquet of apples and alcohol.  I take a long drink.  Delicious.  This is what I was born to do.

*COUGH*

I’m startled to find an inquisitive cyan mare looking at me.  I blush a little at being caught in the moment.

“How long have you been there?” I ask embarrassed.

“The whole time.  What are you doing?”

“uhhh, inspecting the cider” I say with an upward inflection.

She continues staring at me for a few seconds afterward.

“Anyway, what can I help you with Rainbow?” I say to change the subject.

“Yeah, well ummmm… I was wondering if Benjy was up for hanging out with me?”

“Oh not you too!”

She gives me a questioning look

“Oh I mean, Benjy is still asleep but I’ll tell him you came by when he wakes up.”

“Yeah, ok thanks Bach!” She says and then speeds off.

I shake my head, “This can’t possibly end well” I say to nopony in particular.

Well the bar is ready, and it looks like it’s time to go find some breakfast.  I walk back upstairs to go grab my wallet and as I walk by Benjy’s room I knock on the door just to see if he’s up.

“Waaaaaa?” I hear from the other side of the door.

“You want some breakfast?” I ask through the door.

“NO!”  He exclaims as I hear a thump against the door.

He’s never been one for the morning.

“K I’ll grab you something.”  I reply.

I just hear a grumble in response.

I make my way into town on my quest for breakfast.

As I take my walk, I see Fluttershy herding some ducks.  I walk up to say hello.  As I walk over, my shadow casts over the ducklings and they scatter in fear.

“I’m so sorry Fluttershy, I didn’t mean too”

“It’s fine.” She says flustered, “Come on little duckies, it’s just big ol’ Bach”

“Hey I take offence to that! I am not old!” I laugh.

She looks up and gives me a small smile and goes back to her ducklings.  Fluttershy can be so cute sometimes.

As she leads the ducks away, I yell behind her, “Come by the bar tonight, the first round is on me!”

If she responded I didn’t hear it.

I continue on my walk and wander into town.  All the fresh produce stands are set up.  I wander around till I see an adorable, friendly face.

“Good morning Applebloom!”  I exclaim.

“Oh hey Back, you wanna buy some apples?”

“Why sure, I was looking for some breakfast.  Why are you working the stand?”

“Mah brother and sis are hard at work buckin apples and Granny is hard at work bakin all sorts a’ pies and such.”

“Well, if you would be so kind as to invite them to the bar tonight.  And tell em the first rounds on Bach”

“So do I get some of this hard cider I’ve been hearing about?” She asks with a pleading smile.

“Well, maybe I can sneak you a glass of cider but you CAN NOT tell anypony.”  I smile, I need to remember to buy some non-alcoholic cider for her.

“Anyway, can I get some apples?”

I come away with a dozen apples in my saddle bag.  As I turn to go back to the bar, a thought pops in my mind.  Tonight is special, I should look presentable.  I decide to head over to Rarity’s to see if she can help me.

I knock on the boutique door and I hear her say in her sing-song voice “Come I-nnnnn”

I enter the boutique and find Rarity working on a dress on a clearly uncomfortable Twilight.  Rarity turns to me as Twilight mouths the words “Help me”.

“Good morning dear, what can I do for you?” Rarity asks.

“Three things:  First, Spike said he needed to talk to Twilight about a letter or something.  Second, the grand opening of the bar is tonight and I would love to wear something nice if you could help me with that.  Lastly, the grand opening of the bar is tonight and I’d love for you both to be there; the first round is on me.”  I smile.

“Well darling, it sounds like Celestia needs your time more than I do.” Rarity takes the dress off Twilight and Twi takes her leave.  As she passes me on the way out she whispers “Thank you” softly.

“Well then Bacchus, I simply don’t have time to make you a proper suit.”  She says as she starts looking me over.

“I was hoping for more of an accessory.” I reply

“Well we can do that, what about a simple tie.  No no no that won’t do.  How about a bowtie?  A deep red with some blood red diamonds set in.”  She ponders out loud.

“That sounds perfect!” I say happily.

“It should be done by 11:00.”  She says, already cutting some red fabric.

“Why thank you Rarity, how much do I owe you?” I ask happily.

“Lets count this as a grand opening present darling” She looks up and smiles

“Well I hope I can see you at the bar later.  It certaintly won’t be as fashionable without you.” I say, appealing to her vanity.

She smiles.  “Wouldn’t miss it for the world my dear.”

I leave her to her work.  The last I've gotta do is pick up a thing of apple cider for my underage friend and go back to the warehouse and finally have some breakfast.

After I pick up the barrel of cider, my way back is uneventful.  I walk into the bar and hear a stirring from upstairs.  I yell upstairs “Morning Benjy! I grabbed us some apples for breakfast.”

He zooms downstairs.  “Why didn’t you wake me up this morning?” he asks accusingly

“Oh I tried, let me reenact it for you AHEM,”  I mimic our conversation from earlier, doing voices too. I knock on the table

“WAAAAAAA? You want some breakfast? NO!” I throw an apple against the wall for affect, “K I’ll grab you something. Grrrr”

“You know you’re a donkey right?”  He asks with a big grin.

I get up and pick up the apple I threw and take bite out of it, “Eeyup”

"Oh by the way, you are getting popular with some mares.  Both Twi and Dash came by this morning asking about you."  I say.

He smiles.  "You don't say, and that begs an interesting question.  Which mare to date?" He laughs in his fortune.

A polite/dignified cough comes from the direction of the bar.  "I'm sorry to interrupt my friends, but I came by to fit Bacchus's bowtie for night and happened to hear your problem."  She pronounce the word problem with dripping disgust.

"Rainbow Dash is a big girl that has had relationships both good and bad, but Twilight hasnt had a stallionfriend since she came to Ponyville and she doesn't need date stallion of your ilk!"  She says flustered and angry.

She turns to leave angrily and I follow her out to the bar.

"Rarity, stop please and let me talk to ya."

"I'm sorry darling, hes just talking about my friends as if they are stock!"

"You should know, hes not serious, he never is. We were just joking how lucky he was to have somepony interested in him." I lie through my teeth.

She calms down a bit.  "Well then, lets try this bowtie on you."

She puts it on me.

"Well it fits really well my dear, and it simply looks fabulous!"  She exclaims.

"Why thank you Rarity.  I was sure it would be perfect."

She smiles and says, "Well then Bacchus, I'll see you at the grand opening then."

I smile and respond, "I'll see you there."

I walk back in to the warehouse where Benjy is dumbfounded with Rarity's outburst.

I point a hoof at him and simply state. "Stay away from Twilight."

He just nods.

Chapter 6 - Angry Young Colt

Chapter 6

Time passes fairly slowly as the grand opening creeps closer.  I’ve got to break this suspense.  I walk over to the record player and pick out one of my favorite records.  I throw it on and the slow piano music begins.

Benjy yells from the warehouse, “Turn that crap off, I hate when you play my music”

He walks into the bar.

I turn to him and say enthusiastically, “Come on man, you could play the hell out of the piano.”

He laughs, “If only anyone else thought so.”

I switch it over to one of his random records and make one final sweep of the bar finally ending it right behind the bar.

“I do believe we are ready!”

I hear the familiar ring of the bell, as the door swings open and my first customer enters the bar. Well, I say 'first', six 'first' would be more accurate.

“Welcome girls!”  I say with hooves outstretched.

The girls walk in and sit down at the bar.

"I owe you girls a drink," I say as I start to take out tankards.

AJ holds up a hoof, "Ahm actually gonna wait on that sugarcube, gotta work on the farm and it's kinda hard ta buck when you're seein double."

I laugh, "you know, I find I buck best with a few drinks in me."

Benjy snickers, RD and Pinkie look at each other and bust out laughing, and the rest take a bit to get it but as soon as they do.  Twilight is clearly embarrassed and uncomfortable with a joke, a light pink shade appears on Rarity's face, Fluttershy turns almost as red as me, and AJ's face turns a bright red as I give her a wink.

As the laughter dies down and the blushing fades Rarity perks up.

“You must have not liked the present I made you!”  She said in a huff.

I look down only to see my bare neck.  “Oh no, no, no!  I love it Rarity!  It must have just slipped my mind with the whole grand opening going on!  Give me a second to go throw it on.”  I run back up to my room to throw on the bowtie with the sound of laughter filling the bar.  I try and put the bowtie on straight but bucking hell are these things hard to put on right.  I back into the bar to find an audience waiting for me.  “Ta da!”  I said, as I flailed my fore hooves in a fancy motion, stepping backwards to present the bar to the group of gathered ponies.

“Close darling.”  She says as her horn begins to glow.  My bowtie straightens itself out and gets sufficiently fluffed.

Applejack starts to leave shortly after that.

“Don’t forget to bring your family by for a few drinks later on.”

She tips her Stetson to me before she finally goes out the door.

The rest of the mares go back to their conversation and drinks.  I’m about to go back to talking to the mares when I hear the doorbell ring again and my first paying customer.  It’s the Mayor herself.

“Welcome to my humble business.”  I bow slightly as I say that.

“I’m always happy to see a business open up!”  The Mayor does seem generally excited about this.  She makes her way to the bar and takes a seat.  “Your finest cider, bartender!”  She smiles.  “I can’t wait to see how much money this brings into town.”  The Mayor clops her hooves as she says it.

I just smile and slide her a tankard of cider.

The doorbell rings again as a few more mares and stallions wander in and take a seat.  I knock Benjy’s shoulder as I wave over to them.  He nods as he goes to take their orders.  I turn back to the mares at the bar.

“You girls planning to get tanked tonight?”

Twilight was the first to speak up, “I don’t believe so, I just wanted to wish you good luck and get this cider you promised me.”

The rest of girls nod in agreement.

“Well thanks for coming out and supporting us.” I say as Benjy flies back.

“I need for 5 ciders for that table.”

I nod as I start to take out the tankards and start filling them up.  The doorbell jingles as three more mares walk in and take a seat at another table.  I send Benjy over to them as I try to put the 5 ciders on a platter so I can bring it over to the first table.  Success!  I make it over without spilling a single cider.  I pass out the drinks and collect my payment from my ponies.  I take the platter back to the bar finding Benjy pouring 3 more tankards of cider.  He puts them on the tray for me and I take them over to the table.  As I’m returning to the bar, the girls are getting up to go.  Rarity walks up to me and hugs me and gives me a peck on the cheek.  What the buck is go… oh right!  Alcohol!

“Good luck with the bar d-darling.” She says with only the slightest bit of stammer.

The other girls give me their well wishes and take their leave.  Good thing too.  We’re starting to have more and more ponies enter the bar.  I don’t need Benjy being distracted by… plot.

As far as I can see this is turning out to be a typical day for a bar in a big city, but it’s still running me ragged.  Trying to keep drinks filled, cleaning tankards, collecting payment, and generally trying to be social.  Benjy doesn’t seem to be slowing down but I can feel my energy draining as the night goes on.

There was one customer that made me laugh though.  A small, timid looking white pegasus with a blue and black striped mane wandered into and tried to get to the bar only to be blocked by much larger ponies.  He squeezed his way through these large stallions and tried to get my attention.

“Mr. Bar… Sir?”

It’s an odd accent to say the least.  I decide to be a little bit of a dick and ignore him for a bit longer.

“Runkkari!”  He yells.  I look directly at him with questioning look.   His face turns red and looks down.  “Can I haves a drinks?”  He says in broken Equestrian.

I grab a tankard and fill it up and slide it to him.  He thanks me and begins drinking his cider.  Later on into the evening, he got up onto a table and yelled “Call me Electric!” and started dancing.  I shook my head; it’s time to cut this colt off.  I drag him outside.  “Can you get back home on your own, Electric?”

He gives me a questioning look, “My name isn’t Electric; it’s Finnish, Finnish Dazzle.”  His wings start to flap as he speeds off.

That’s a strange pony right there.  I shake my head and return to the bar.

The tiring first day continues until dusk.  As the final ponies begin to leave, the doorbell and the Apple family enters with the addition of a caramel colored earth pony with a brown mane.

“Welcome everypony” I say in a tired voice.

“Sounds like ya’ll had an excitin’ night” AJ says, “This is Caramel, he helps on the farm during apple bucking season.  I was hoping you could hook him up with a couple drinks?”

“Anything for the Apples!”  Ha! Wordplay!

We all grab a drink and take a seat at one of the tables.  “So how was your first night?”

I lean back into my seat, “Exhausting, I think we may need to hire someone else. “

Benjy nods at that.

The evening draws to a close as we sit around joking about the day.  It’s good to unwind a bit after today.  I told them about Finnish and they all laughed about his antics.

“I’m sorry about this everypony, but I’ve really got to hit the hay.  Long day and all that.” I say with a yawn.

They leave and I immediately walk upstairs to my bed.  This has been a long time coming.  As soon as my head hits the pillow I’m out.

The blackness envelops me and a voice begins start to talk…

Chapter 7_Puppeteers

Chapter 7_Puppeteers

Chapter 7

“Hey! Hey! Pay attention.” A cocky, but soothing male voice begins.

Oh, of course the blackness wants to talk.  It ALWAYS wants to talk.  I really need to cut down on the alcohol, my head makes up the weirdest stuff after a few drinks.

I throw my blanket off as I get off my bed.  It sinks into nothingness, leaving me alone in an enveloping darkness.  That's worrying.  I try to get my bearings, only to find blackness in all directions.

“So, who are you exactly? A ghost of Hearth’s Warming Eve or something?”

“No, sorry my little stallion, I guess you could say I’m your guiding light.”

I scoff.  “That sounds really cliché.”

“Shut up, and listen for a bit you jackass.  Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts… wait scratch that, that’s the other thing.”

“Can’t I just have a dream about mares or something fun like that?”  I respond pleadingly.

“Where is the fun in that?”  My head drops in response.

“Alright fine, what’s this big revelation I need to know?  Is it obvious like, don’t piss of the Elements, or is more cryptic like, avoid apples?” That would suck.

“You’re going to die in 3 weeks.”

“WHAT?!?!?!”  My eyes widen in terror, and my heart jumps into my throat.

“Oh, are you done cracking jokes now?  Can I continue?  You aren’t going to die in 3 weeks,” I calm down and exhale, “just wanted your attention.  Now then, I need you to invite the Elements to a party, and get them absolutely tanked.”

“Two things about that, firstly you?  I thought you were here to help me in some sort of way.  Secondly, why in Equestria would I get those mares drunk?”

“Takes all the inhibitions away from a certain orange pony?”

“…tempting, but come on is that all you can give me?”

“Hmph,” the voice’s response seemed annoyed, “Do I have to remind you, I’m your guiding light!  Guiding (pause for effect) Light!”  I shrug in response.  “Fine, look into grapes.  You can make something wonderful with them.”

I ponder some before responding, “Why have you waited this long to guide me?”

“What makes you think I haven’t been guiding you this entire time?”

His voice was becoming distant during that statement.

“Cryptic flank guiding light!” I yell in response.

Discord just laughs.

Benjy

I woke up with a start this morning.  I jump up and look around, to find my room just how I left it last night.  I haven’t gotten around to making this my room mine yet.  The only real things of color in here are my signed poster of Spitfire, framed on the wall, and some of my art supplies.  I lay back down after the look around.  My body is still sore from yesterday.  Working pretty consistently throughout yesterday was a bitch; I’m just glad the day ended.  I stretch my wings, trying to get my blood flowing.  I stretch my other limbs too a little bit, before my bed decides for itself that it’s far too comfortable for me to get up currently.  Oh you dirty mare, I’ll stay with you forever.  I just hope I don’t have that dream about the guiding light again…

"AHHHHHHHG!" A yell comes from downstairs.

I try to jump out of bed, only to have the comforter wrap around my leg, causing me to faceplant.  I'll complain about that later.  I free myself from the blanket.  (Bad girl!  Equestria needs me!)

I fly as fast as I can down stairs, only to find Bacchus messing around with a bunch of distilling equipment and... grapes?

"WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! What the buck am I supposed to do with this useless fruit?"  He is angry at grapes.  This is new.

"Hey buddy?  What are you up to?" He looks up and sees me, his anger and frustration quickly soften up.

He holds a hoof up to his head before responding.  "I'm sorry about the noise brony.  I've been trying to make something with these grapes, but this really isn't going well."  He goes back to tinkering with the distiller before continuing, "I seem to only be making bad grape juice!"

I cross my hooves across my chest while still in the air.  "Why?  You scared me half to death with your yelling earlier!"

Bach made a slow, sweeping motion with one of his hoofs, "I saw it in a dream."

I shake my head and laugh, "So what you need me to do today bosspony?"

He waves me away, "Go find a waiter for us, go hit on some unsuspecting mare, go find inner peace.  I don't care.  You just can't stay here.  I need to figure this out and you're distracting me."

Oh hes in one of his "inventive" moods.  Well hes not going to be social until he gets this right or he passes out from hunger.  He can be stubborn when he gets this way.  I fly back up to my room to get ready for the day.  My morning routine takes a good while, I preen my feathers and fix my hair.  Taking my time to get everything in place and tidy.  Looking this damn good totally distracts girls from my glaring personality flaws.  Ha! Self burn!

The beautification process is completed in due course.  Now then, what sounds good?  I guess I could make some help wanted posters and hang them around town.  I also want to spend time with some mares in particular, I don't care what any white Unicorn or dream says.  Benjy does what he pleases.

I grab some of my art supplies and take it over to my desk so I can get started.  Hmmmm now how in Equestria should I word this?  Using some of the best handwriting I can muster I make a few practice fliers before I settle on one that's short, sweet, and to the point.

I pick up the flier and go over it checking for spelling errors.  Ahhh banish it!  I used the wrong your.  I hate when I do that.  One simple rewrite later and we finally have a workable flier.  Alright, step one COMPLETE!  Well... lets go hang these bad colts up.  I put them in my saddle bag along with a few tacks to put them up.  I walk down the stairs to find Bacchus still working on his grape solution.

"Alright, I'm off to hang some posters."  A bunch of grapes sail at me.

"No distractions!"

First things first, I walk outside and tack the first one on the bar door.  Hopefully, we get someone fun... or maybe some pretty young mare.  My smile gets bigger at this point.  I shake my head, I need to finish this up so I can get on to something fun.

I unfold my wings and stretch each one individually.  My wings begin to flap as I soon take flight.  Best part of my day so far.  The freedom of the open sky, the carefree feeling of being alone in the sky,  and of course the wonderfully comfy clouds.  Oh Celestia it is good to be a pegasus.

I fly up to a cloud when I get close to town.  I can relax a bit before I actually put up some posters.  No need to get my work done too early.  When I get closer to the cloud I notice a rainbow colored tail hanging off the side of the cloud.  Hmmmmm,  now how should I play this?  I could prank her, that would be tons of fun.  Lets see... I look around and see exactly what I've been looking for, there is a cloud that looks heavily laden with rain.

I fly off towards the cloud landing on top of and gripping it with all four hooves using my wings to propel it back towards Dash.  As I make my way back I notice that her cloud is now empty... where in Equestria did tha*ZAP* A bolt of lightening hits my tail frying the end.

I could smell the stagnant odor of burned hair.  My glare turns up to see a smirking Rainbow Dash on a cloud far above me.

"You can't prank the prank master!"

"Touche RD, Touche." She flies down to my cloud positioning her self next to me.

"Hey Benjy, what you up to today?  You know besides getting your flank pranked hardcore by yours truly." She still has a smug grin on her face.

I'd be mad at her for ruining the end of my tail if she weren't so damn attractive.  You've got to love that sleek, athletic body and those beautifully deep fuchsia eyes.  My eyes wander over her body stopping on her flank.  I can feel my wings try to flare open.  I concentrate trying to keep them at my sides.  My eyes return to hers finding her with an even bigger smile.

"Oh those wandering eyes!  If you wanted to have a go you should have just asked!"  She nuzzles into my neck and my wings extend with an audible *POMF*.

"Ha! Got you a second time today Benjy.  You are far too easy!"  Rainbow Dash says as she jumps off the cloud into the air.  "Come back to me when you've got some actual game!"  She turns and flies towards town.

Oh damn, I just got played.

Chapter 8 ~ Puttin on the Ritz

*Author’s Note*

I’m dumb, that is all.

Chapter 8 ~ Puttin on the Ritz

I gaze around the warehouse.  The Tesla coils are prepped for the procedure.  Large devices loom ominously against the wall; they have large blinking sets of lights that seem to make horrid, judgmental faces when you aren’t watching.  I’ve set up big whirring devices that look like a combination of a butterfly net, an anemometer, and an eggbeater to counteract the wibbly wobbly timey wimy stuff.

The warehouse appears as though all the color has been dragged, kicking and screaming, out of the room.  The weather team looks like it has done well conjuring this storm.  It’s… Magnificent.  Gigantic cumulous clouds loiter about waiting for exact moment at which to strike!

There are half filled glasses of Celestia knows what peppering the room.  I say glasses but I’ve pretty much filled up anything that would hold a liquid.  There is, of course, tankards but there are also odd things like bowls, a ladle (we don’t have a ladle), a gourd or two, there is even a discolored sock tacked on wall that I used for… straining? Maybe?  I don’t remember.  I’ll worry about that later, back to the experiment!

I hear a rumble from above as the clouds become impatient.  Almost complete, and then we’ll be ready for the spark!

“PINKGOR!  Prepare… the subject.”

“It’s pronounced Pie-gor.”  She touches a hoof to her head in salute.  She hobbles to a large metal table with a large barrel of the most evil liquid of all time waiting and listening; biding its time till it can be free.  Pie-gor attaches the giant metal diodes to the cask and attaches the long wires to… the machines.

“Ready Master!” she croaks out as she completes her task.

The first bolt of lightning crashes off in the distance.  The thunder reverberates unapologetically throughout the warehouse, shaking the random glass instruments around the room.

Gooooood goooood.  This storm sounds absolutely perfect.

“Pie-gore!  Prepare to throw the switch!”  She nods her head as she shuffles her way to the cartoonishly large throw switch.

The second lightning strike hits much closer to the warehouse.

“IT’S TIME!”  I point to my loyal assistant as she grips the throw switch and, with much great effort, throws the switch.

Time seems to slow down as the machines prepare themselves for the change.  Strange noises from every direction begin trying to contest for the loudest.  The buzzing from the lightning rod on ceiling wins that contest hooves down with barely any resistance from the feeble competition.

The third bolt hits the lightning rod, I can see the extra electricity jumping from metal parts to other metal parts, passing through the diodes, and finally getting into the barrel.

The lights go out as this all happens in an instant.  An indomitable silence envelopes the warehouse.

A flame appears to the side of me, Pie-gore sidles up to me and brings her candle up to the cask.

“Well Master, it’s completed.” I nod to her and tap the keg. I grab a tankard and fill it to the brim with what used to pass as grape juice.  I look at the end result.  A clear liquid bubbles evilly and angrily in it.

Well, you only live once.  I bring up the tankard to my lips and my sense of self preservation kicks in.

“Pie-gore, drink this!”  I hoof her over the tankard.

She inspects it a bit before chugging down most of it.  She drops the tankard causing it to shatter as a screech of pain exits her mouth.  She doubles over in pain as the transformation begins.  In her scrunched ball of agony, the changes seem small yet with every change she is wracked with a new pain, or so it seems.

It’s over within a minute, she’s breathing heavily when it’s done.  She slowly stands and I can see the differences immediately.  Her mane and tail have been straightened; her clothes (which used to be a simple cloak) are now a full three piece suit, she’s now wearing a bowler, and I’m fairly sure she didn’t have that pipe before.

“Pie-gore?  How are you feeling?”

She draws herself up to her full height, in her new splendiferous attire and fixes a glare on me filled with pure, unadulterated disdain.

“The name is Dr. Pie!  You cur!”  She says in the most posh accent I've ever heard.

She lets out a loud audible *A HUFF* and strolls out of the warehouse in her huff.

…Well, that’s odd…

Odd/Interesting same thing basically.  I fill another tankard with the cruel liquid.  FOR SCIENCE!

I close my eyes and bring the tankard to my mouth draining the tankard before the nasty brew can take effect.  Lots of things happen all at once.  Things become bright and more animated.  It seems as though the world has become a happier place as soft piano fills the air with its dulcet tones.

And then the cracking began, It began with my back legs breaking into a weird straight angle.  Pain wrenched through my body as bones bent in ways that nature never intended.  The disgusting sound of the breaking bones continues, this process isn’t finished with me yet.  I can feel almost everything about myself elongating.  I curl into a little ball of pain, tears, and fear.  Please let this end soon, I hope my body can take it.  I keep my eyes close with my hooves over them in an attempt to lessen the pain, Celestia knows it didn’t help.

It seems like ages as the cracks start to lessen in frequency and in pain.  Eventually, the warehouse becomes completely silent.  Not wanting to jinx anything I stay in my fetal position for a good 10 minutes waiting for a sign from who knows where.  My eyes open hesitantly to find my hooves still blocking my vision.  Something’s not right though, my hooves they’re different.  They’ve got five digits attached to each of them and they’re much softer than I remember.  OH SWEET CELESTIA WHAT HAVE I DONE!  I try and rush to find a mirror to see what I’ve become.  I gallop as fast as I can on my new extremities, which isn’t fast at all.  I’ve got digits on my back legs too, but they seem totally useless.  The biggest mirror we have is in Benjy’s room and I come to one of my biggest obstacles yet…

STAIRS!

I try a few times to take the stairs only to fall down and hit every step of progress I’ve made. (Literally and metaphorically)

Using my new front hooves to lean against the wall, I balance on my back legs and make my way up the stairs.

With moderate success and a lot of time, I finally make my way up the stairs.  I rush into Benjy’s room so I can get a look at my form…

…

…

I’m still balancing on my back legs as I get to the long mirror.  Well it doesn’t look to bad.  My height has at least doubled, my mane is about the same color but my body is a dull peach color, I kinda look like a naked weasel ape.  My eyes continue the inspection of my new body, they finally reach my *ahem* lower region…

“WHAT HAS SCIENCE DONE!  AHHHHHHHHH!” A scream is dragged out of my throat.

“Ahhh!”  My conciseness slaps me awake.  I’m sitting at my bench in my warehouse.  Several different grape products litter the table as I remember what I was doing.  A sigh of relief escapes my throat.

“Well that was a weird one.”  A smooth, cocky voice chimes in.

“Yeah… wait what?”