Oneshot Grab-Bag

by Banchoking

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Gore, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Other, Tragedy, Random
Length: 3829

A series of (usually) unconnected oneshots that I will use to test out ideas for stories I have and see what you all think of them.

A series of (usually) unconnected oneshots that I will use to test out ideas for stories I have and see what you all think of them. I'll also sometimes put songfics here and remake scenes from other media with ponies and human OCs

Published 2013-11-21 05:40:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-04 08:44:33 UTC

Gazpacho: A Dish Best Served Cold (Comedy/ Slice of Life)

I sat in the kitchen of the Carousel Boutique, reading the news paper, as I did every morning before going to my job at town hall. However, unlike usual, I did so with a rather sour look on my face.

You see, I was normally a rather sociable and upbeat fellow, despite the fact that I was trapped in an alternate dimension where talking animals and mythological creatures ruled the world. In fact, I took such revelations in stride. It was this quality that had allowed me to get along so well with the natives, including my landmare (and no that isn't a typo).

However, the week before last, I realized that my kind and patient nature had a downside. This was when she had insisted that I allow her to use me as a model for a minotaur ensemble she had felt inspired to make. I respectfully declined as I had a dinner date. (Don't judge. After half a year without a human female, you'd go native too.)

She wouldn't take no for an answer and when I quickly made for the door in a panic, she cast a spell that froze me motionless for the next hour or so. While the spell prevented me from getting sore or my limbs from falling asleep, it was degrading and it took a week of apologizing for my date to give me another chance.

So I decided then and there that I would teach my landmare a lesson about personal respect. After Sweetie Bell came down the stairs for breakfast, I knew it wouldn't be much longer. That's when I heard it. The sound of a door opening, a very ladylike yawn, the bathroom door opening and closing.....I waited for it, sweating slightly, letting out a sigh when I heard the shower start. I tried my best to conceal my grin behind the newspaper as I handed Sweetie Bell the comic section.

Soon the sound of running water stopped and, after a brief moment of silence, I heard the single most blood curdling scream of my life. Sweetie Bell dove under the table in surprise just as I heard the sound of hurried, angry hoof stomps come down the stairs. I looked up from my paper and there, standing at the foot of the stairs, was Rarity, not that you'd recognize her now. She was still soaked, and her mane and tail fell limply around her, but that wasn't the most striking difference, oh heavens no!

Her dripping mane and tail were no longer their usual lovely shade of purple, rather more of a dirty shade of brownish red. Her coat, which was usually a spotless marshmallow white, was now the color of red clay mud spilled unevenly across clean white carpet. Best of all, her colors were running.

"YOU did this!" she shrieked. Had she not been so refined I suspect she would have been frothing at the mouth.

I put on my most innocent face, "I take it you found the instant bouillon cubes I put in the shower head."

The glare she gave me was gratifying beyond words.

"Why would you do something so...SO...."

"Insensitive?" her anger was replaced by a look of confusion, "Rarity, when I didn't want to be your model, you used your magic to force me to be still against my will, causing me to miss a very important engagement with a very special lady."

Rarity broke eye contact and began pawing (hoofing?) at the floor.

I stood up and walked over to where she stood, "It was time you learned something that was drilled into my head as a teen, 'no means no,'" I flicked her on the nose as I walked by, "Because, like soup, revenge is a dish best served cold."

Author's Note

So, tell me what you think! Anything that you think needs work? Point out any spelling, grammar, or punctuation errors you see.

TCB: The Stand Part 1 (Tragedy)

Celstia, broken and battered from years of war, stood with the last loyal ponies and new foals she had managed to gather under her in the center of the New York city ruins against the horde of soldiers that blocked their path to the new seat of human civilization. In the final years of The Conversion Wars, her barrier had driven humanity to make a final stand on this continent, with this very city as their metaphorical 'line in the sand.'

Victory had been all but served to her on a silver platter, the salvation of humanity was at hand. Then the barrier fell.

There had always been those who had disagreed with her political policies. From taxes to the conversion bureaus, there was always somepony who was dissatisfied but she never expected what happened. As ponies who had been deceived by humanity's way of thinking spread anti-diarchal propaganda, her citizens' loyalty began to falter. She didn't blame them; they were no more at fault for their foolish behavior than the humans they pitied.

She was shocked, however, when nearly her entire country revolted against her. She felt ashamed that her panicked attempts to console her little ponies had distracted her from her duty of monitoring who entered and, more importantly, left Equestria. She never noticed her citizens fleeing for Earth in droves. With the help of the ponies and other Equestrian refugees, humanity shattered the barrier and, despite their apparent disadvantage after having been nearly fully converted, they went on the offensive.

Without the barrier to retreat to, the guards and PER could no longer use the hit and run tactics that had worked so well in the past. The humans and their allies cut a bloody swath through Equestria, killing the Royal Guards and imprisoning anypony still loyal to the diarchy.

The final blow came at the Siege of Canterlot. The Elite Guard, ponies trained in warfare from the moment their cutie-marks appeared, were torn apart like wet paper dolls. The princesses became so desperate as to send the Elements of Harmony themselves into battle, despite knowing that the death of even one of the bearers would mean being unable to return home as the Elements had powered the dimensional jump spell.

They fought bravely but could not win through their strength alone. They used the Elements in an attempt to end the battle, intending to ponify the human invaders all at once. But alas, their time in the human world had corrupted even the ancient Elements of Harmony. Though the rainbow of harmonious magic shined more vividly than ever before, the humans were unaffected.

The bearers were forced to run for their lives, but Rainbow Dash, in her bravado, chose to go out in a blaze of glory. She charged the human's ranks and fought as hard as she could.

A tear ran down Celestia's cheek as she recalled her beloved student in an inconsolable depression. Twilight had gone back to try and convince her friend to abandon the city in order to fight another day. By the time she had found Rainbow Dash, the brash young pegasus had lost the strength to fight.

Twilight had watched in horror as her friend was dragged to the ground and was stomped to death beneath the jackboots of the invaders. She looked around for help, surely the ponies that lived here would never allow this, ponies were too kind to ignore one another's pain. But none of the Canterlot ponies that had been hiding in their homes made any motion to help. The only proof they could hear the screams of their would be defender was the muted sound of doors being barricaded and curtains being drawn tighter.

The bearer of the Element of Magic shook her terror away and tried to run to Rainbow Dash's aid but skid to a halt at the sound of gunfire and the end of her beloved friend's cries.

There was no more resistance. Luna, Cadence, and Shining Armor surrendered, as did the remaining Element bearers, save for Twilight. Celestia was forced to take her still grieving apprentice and flee from Canterlot and into the Everfree.

Twilight swore to make the humans pay for killing Rainbow Dash and to restore her homeland to its former glory.

And now, Celestia looked up at the scene unfolding on the rooftops in despair. Her beloved student, who had held her head high throughout the battle to reach this place, was obviously conflicted. The unicorn looked at the face of her opponent, a single figure on the roof across from her, and felt unsure of her mission.

The enemy Twilight now faced was the one being she never expected to see again. "Rainbow Dash," she whispered, as if trying to convince herself of the reality of the situation.

There she was, the very same pegasus that Twilight had thought of as a sister. The pony who's memory had driven her, against all odds, to the heart of human territory. Though her appearance had been radically altered; human machinery had replaced most of her body which was now covered in red metal armor and left only her muzzle and the right half of her face untouched. Twilight could tell from the look in the mare's remaining eye that this was without a doubt Rainbow Dash, standing between her and the humans.

She looked down towards Celestia, seeking answers. Her heart sank when the princess looked away in shame, unable to meet her eyes.

Celestia bit her lip in an attempt to quell her guilt, 'You're trying to understand. You thought that your friend had been killed. Yet here she stands, fighting for the very beings you came here to destroy. You came here to avenge her death. You came here to destroy mankind. You see now....you cannot do both.'

Author's Note

"The Stand" belongs to the band The Protomen. I own nothing, I am broke.

Return of the Hind Walkers (Spiritual)

Lyra Heartstrings was sitting in her living room on Sunday morning, reading the newspaper when she looked up at the clock. "Whoops! Almost late, see ya Bonnie!" she called to her roommate with a smile, not waiting for a reply since Bonbon always slept in on Sunday. She trotted down the street, waving every now and then at the ponies passing by, until she came to the destination. It was a little building with a cracked white paintjob and a steeple. At the top was a sight that always brightened her week whenever she saw it, a large brass hand that looked old and tarnished. Lyra had been thinking a lot about taking it down for a polish soon.

Stepping in she walked past the small number of ponies gathered in the waiting room, all wearing ties and dresses, occasionally saying hi to one before continuing through the crowded room. She entered a backroom that she used as an office and put on a tie that was hanging on the coatrack before she gathered her things, a book that was well worn from frequent use and a small gold necklace with a hand shaped charm that had been passed down her family for generations. She gave it a kiss before heading for the door. She stopped just when she grabbed the door with her magic. "Almost forgot," she facehoofed before standing on her hind legs and walking out the door.

She walked into a room full of benches, most already full of ponies. She made her way over to the podium on the raised portion of the floor and looked out at the group of ponies, letting herself grin a little, as she did every Sunday, at the sight of so many ponies sitting upright. Her face fell a little when she saw a colt laying on his bench trying to hide behind a pair of stallions while he played his Joyboy. Luckily his parents followed her stare and sat him upright before the mother put the game in her saddlebag. Lyra snickered when the colt gave a huff.

Seeing that everypony was seated and the doors were shut, she cleared her throat, causing the friendly chatter to stop. "Greetings everypony, I'm glad you all could make it today. And I'm especially glad to see some new faces," Lyra pointed out a several foals who's parents thought that they were old enough now, a donkey couple she had seen in town with Pinkie, and a Gryphon who had moved to Ponyville earlier in the week looking for work.

"Now seeing as we have so many new visitors, I've decided to read a passage from Book I chapter 1 today, for those who'd like to understand a little better what we believe here," she smiled when everypony...er everybody nodded. She flipped open the old book she had lain on the podium and coughed to clear out her throat a bit before reading.

"In the time...before time, Equiis was barren as far as the eye could see. Then those who came before, the Hind Walkers, came from across the sea of night. They could feel the magic of this world and saw its potential, and so they filled it with life. Where they walked, plants sprang forth and water flowed freely from the crags of the earth. They first made the animals, shaped in the likenesses of those of their own home. Then they made the sapient races. Ponies to bring abundance to the plains, Gryphons and Dragons to patrol and safeguard the mountains, Diamond Dogs to bring forth the richness of the deep, and Changelings to watch over us and fill the world with love.

It was then that they left Equiis to bring life to other worlds. But remember friends, though they are gone, they leave a promise. A promise that, when we are ready, they will return to walk by us. Not to lead us as parents, but walk among us as equals. Prepare for that day my little ponies, for the return of the Hind Walkers is approaching."

Author's Note

A little bit of inspiration that hit me Sunday night.

The Pen Is Mightier (By Shalrath)

The pen laid still for a moment, a slick black instrument that seemed out of place atop the cheery cherry red tabletop. It was a good pen, much better than those favored for the routine and mundane acts of jotting notes or scribbling shapes onto the backs of cocktail napkins.

It rolled smoothly beneath a small yellow hoof. A slow and methodical rhythm that passed the time as one’s forelimb would lazily dip in a fast moving stream, drawing ripples with the absence of effort. Each measured movement as the silent swing of a pendulum. An impatient ticking in the background of calm pensive contemplation.

This particular pen’s days of scribbling and jotting were long past. For some time, the pen had served as a keepsake rather than a writing utensil. Carried as a memento of many brief momentous moments, where the flourish of its tip would write history. A time when words shaped worlds, and a signature spoke for civilizations.

It rolled, and stopped. The hoof holding it against the table paused in anticipation.

The history of the pen would remain secret beneath the unassuming ebony finish. Were it to be properly appraised, one might expect a bidding war from collectors willing to hurl their fortunes with the same zeal that warring nations would hurl thermonuclear bombs, consumed by the glinting hope of a pyrrhic victory.

The red haired filly bit firmly on the pen, holding it between her tongue and cheek as the glistening black tip pressed tentatively against the coarse white paper. It nestled comfortably between the crowns of her molars, as the glossy synthetic hardwood gave with the firm pliancy of ballistic rubber.

The pen was not a toy. It was a gift. A tool brimming with potential and purpose.

Ideas swirled within her head. A roaring furnace of imagination that stoked the forge of creativity. Every idle thought built relentlessly upon a towering edifice of ideas. A tower that pierced the constant constraint of the pale blue sky, soaring higher than any pegasus, and seeing farther than any telescope. A perch of dizzying heights that revealed the full majesty of unseen lands, unparalleled in scope and scale.

Applebloom slashed the first sentence into the sheet of paper.

The pen once shaped the course of worlds.

Now it would build them from the ground up.

Author's Note

This is the first chapter not written by me but by another author, Shalrath.

Check out his page if you liked it!

TCB: Fight for You

An HLF resistance member has fled from the final battle against Celestia and her ponies. He runs as quickly as he can to his home in the hopes that he can spend his final moments with his family. When he arrives, he's greeted by his wife and son's newfoal smiles. He has no choice but to kill them. As the barrier draws ever closer to his house it becomes clear that there will be no backup, that he is the last human on Earth.

He goes to his room, picks a small photo of his family from the broken picture frame.

He tucks the picture into his breast pocket, and grabs a handgun and the last of his ammo from the nightstand. He walks out into the backyard, now filled to bursting with newfoals. Celestia watches on from behind the encroaching barrier.

The man loads his gun one more time...

Author's Note

I could really use some notes on this one. I think I should expand on it.

Don't Scream (Humor/TCB)

Rarity sat in front of the large, luxurious vanity mirror in her Canterlot suite. Ever since the humans almost broke the barrier last month, Celestia had wanted to make sure that the Element bearers were close by. "Luckily the Princess got the barrier up before any of those ruffians could get in," she smiled as she blew on her hoof polish until a large pair of hands clamped roughly over her mouth and horn.

"Don't scream or I'll break your neck. Understand?"

Rarity looked in the mirror and her blood ran cold. Standing behind her was a very angry, very armed human with the letters HLF on his Flak jacket. She forced herself to nod.

The human reluctantly took his hands off of her.

Rarity stood up slowly, so as not to agitate him. "You're here to take advantage of me aren't you? To taste the forbidden fruit of the Eden that is Equestria," she shuddered, "Just be quick about it!" she closed her eyes and turned her head as she threw herself onto a couch that she materialized seemingly out of nowhere. It was all very dramatic.

The human was taken aback, "Ewww! No!"

Her eyes snapped back open, "'Ewww!?'" She jumped back into a standing position, "Why in blue blazes not?" she scowled.

"I just want directions to Celestia's chambers. I'm not fucking a horse," he pointed his gun at her.

Rarity turned her head away, pointed her nose at the ceiling and gave an indignant hmph, "Well, I'm not going to beg."

The human pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration.

Rarity's cheeks reddened, "Well, maybe I'll beg a little."

Author's Note

Based on this scene from The Venture Brothers.

Breaking the Ice (Comedy)

Lyra Heartstrings was standing in front of the large oak door, well, large to ponies. For the house's resident, not so much. She reached out with her hoof but stopped. On the other side of this door was a human! The very thing she'd spent her career studying and trying to prove the existence of to the scientific community, in the middle of town. She began to hyperventilate.

"Easy, Easy!" Colgate laughed, "I know you're eager to meet him but it won't leave a good impression if you faint," Colgate placed a hoof on her back.

The mint green unicorn slowed her breathing, finally letting out a sigh, "Thanks Colgate."

Colgate smiled, "What are sisters for? Truth be told, I want to see the human too. His teeth specifically. If your theories about their diet are true, he'd need a very unique set of choppers and I'll be damned if I'm going to pass up that chance."

Lyra laughed, "Okay, but do you have any idea on how we'll ask him if we can study him? Not exactly something that we can just slip into casual chitchat. 'Hi, welcome to the neighborhood. Can you fill this cup?'" she rolled her eyes.

"Just be honest about our intentions and try to be as direct and friendly as possible."

Lyra nodded at the advice and knocked on the door.

A middle-aged man with red hair opens the door and looks down at the ponies questioningly.

Lyra does her best impression of Pinkie's smile, "I love you,"

After a moment of silence, the human slammed the door.

Clogate facehooved, "Maybe not that direct and friendly."

Author's Note

Based on this.

TCB/Assassin's Creed: Last Rights

Rainbow Dash was laying on her back, hooves clutched around her stomach. She looked over at the hooded human and saw the wet, red stain on his weapon, “I-Is that my blood?”

The human knelt down and took off his hood. He had black hair and dark blue eyes that looked so tired. Or was he sad? She could never tell what humans were thinking, “It’s over Dash.”

She grimaced, partly from the pain and partly because she didn't win. ”Ughh… I hate losing. Still you’ve gotta admit that I gave you a pretty good fight," she forced a smile

The human returned the smile, “Yes, yes you did.”

“Maybe they'll put a big statue of me in the Canterlot Gardens. With a big fancy plate on it that tells everypony about the awesomeness of Rainbow Dash, the 51st captain of the Wonderbolts,” Dash's breathing quickened. She waited for an answer but either he didn't know what to say or he didn't feel like talking anymore.

”You know… when I joined the Wonderbolts I never thought that I had to… fight in a war or kill anypony. All I ever wanted to do was performing daring… stunts in front of a cheering audience. After Celestia declared the war I thought about… quitting the Bolts and… just… becoming… a….weather… pony… again...,” Rainbow Dash started gasping for her words. She knew she was fading.

He gave her a weird look. Dash could only guess that it was a curious one, “Then why didn’t you just leave?”

She let out a little chuckle, “Loyalty…”

Author's Note

This was by Yonasomun, placed here with his/her permission, and edited by me. If you'd like to see the original, here you go.