Mondays sure are awful, aren't they? You know, when you have to get up early, brush your teeth, attempt to brush your mane, give up because the damn thing's so tangled you don't even care. Eat breakfast, brush your teeth again because you forgot you had to eat breakfast first, then try to stretch out your wings because you guess you slept on them funny but that's weird because you usually sleep on your stomach with your limbs spread out all over the bed and there's no way—whatever. Mondays. So you do all that and you yawn and step outside, ready for your annoying job—and the entire world collapses under your hooves.
And you realize you're falling and—
Oh, Celestia! I'm falling! Damn it! Wings, right—use those. How am I—why won't my wings work? Come on... come on you stupid, bucking, blue-feathered wastes of flesh—work!
I'm tumbling forward, clouds racing up all around me. I can't move my wings at all... they just won't work! I'm rushing forward through the sky, faster and faster and faster and—
Everything stops.
I open my eyes.
Darkness.
What the— “Where am I?” I call out. My voice echoes across the blackness. Like it's taunting me. “Hey! Anypony out there? Pinkie? Is... is this some kind of prank? Because I think you're going a little far. I-I mean, props for making it so believable and... and well, I'll admit this is kinda scary but come on, that's enough.”
In the distance something makes a sound like a chuckle. Soft and quiet, but definitely there.
I take a cautious step forward. “Pinkie?”
“You can't pass on like that, you know,” says a familiar voice in my ear.
I jump, spinning around, trying to peer through the dark. “Hey! I know you!” I call but I still can't see. That voice... I should have known.
“Oh do you, now? I should hope so. We've been acquainted more than once, Rainbow Dash. Or I should say 'Rainbow Crash' with the way you went. Reliving it just now? Last thoughts of an echoed consciousness now fading away.” The voice sighs. “It's really quite depressing. You're dampening my otherwise fabulous mood. I was just about to go pull a few harmless pranks on Fluttershy when I got the memo.”
I shake my head. Yes, I definitely know who this is. “Discord. What in Celestia's name do you think you're doing? Come on, this is too much. I thought you were on our side now!”
I can hear Discord's echoed laughter ringing through the abyss. It's making me angry. I stomp my hooves on the ground, again and again, trying to get the moron's attention when—
-The floor is suddenly gone.
My hooves sink through thin air and my body follows with them, falling again. Again! And I can't move my wings. Folded tight to my sides, not willing to unfurl. “Discord! Stop! What are you doing?”
He laughs again and I can see him now, falling beside me, looking nonchalant, wearing a mischievous half-grin on his stupid face. “I'm doing my job, Rainbow. I can't believe you haven't realized it yet. You do know you're dead, don't you? I'd understand if it was something simple, like a sudden hit to the head or a hurricane throwing you off to nowhere or even a simple nightmare-induced heart-attack. But you initiated it yourself and still you can't remember. Tsk. I'm so disappointed.”
“What?” I yell and the floor suddenly reappears and smacks me in the face. I groan, laying there a moment before jumping back to my hooves (though really unsteadily and disoriented). “What do you mean dead? Discord? Discord!” I look around frantically because the idiot's gone now and I don't know what to do. What in Celestia's name do I do?
“Oh don't be that way.” Discord's voice. He's above me, drifting down lightly, holding an opened red umbrella. He lands softly beside me and grins, closing the umbrella and tossing it behind him into oblivion. “You're not going to be one of those whiny, 'I wanna go home, I don't wanna be dead, oh boohoo hoo...' types, are you?” He yawns. “They bore me to death, those ones. Never requesting anything but 'please let me live again'. Bor-ing.”
I stare at him. “You're not just playing a trick on me, are you? I'm... I'm actually dead?”
“As a door-nail,” Discord replies. He holds out that weird lion-paw he has and a tea-cup manifests out of nowhere, hot, steaming tea pouring down from the abyss into it. “Would you like some? Earl-grey. I knew someone once who rather liked this brand. Frankly, I never saw what was so great about it at first but it really is growing on me. Go on, try a cup.” He holds the teacup out to me and I growl.
“Tea?” I snap. “You're telling me I'm dead and you're offering me tea? What kind of consolation is that?”
“Touchy,” Discord mutters, drinking the cup and letting the tea hover for a moment before he flicks it away and it shatters like glass, tumbling down to nowhere beneath us. “Very well. Enjoy your tea-less existence in the land of nothing. If you won't be nice to the God of the Afterlife, who could offer you your own personal paradise, then go ahead. Be miserable. See if I care.” He turns to walk away then but I stop him. I have to. I mean, come on? What am I going to do here all alone?
“Wait! I-I'm just confused. I don't... I mean, I remember waking up this morning and walking outside and—“ I shake my head. “That's how it ends? My wings fall asleep and I plummet to my death from my cloud-house doorstep?”
Discord laughs. Again. Celestia, am I ever getting sick of his laughter. “You're so narrow-minded, Rainbow Dash. Expand your thinking a little. That would be a good way to go, though. No real pain. Quick and easy. But that isn't exactly how it went.” He grins, looking me in the eyes. “And besides, that would be boring.”
“Not how it—“ I stop myself. Hold on a second, did Discord just refer to himself as.... “Wait. The 'God of the Afterlife'? What do you mean by that? You're in charge of where ponies go when they die? You? But... but you're not a god. You're not anything, you're just... chaos!”
“And death is chaotic, isn't it? Confusing and uncertain and a surprise around every corner! Oh, I am something, Rainbow Dash. I can make two plus two equal lettuce. Who else but a god could do that?”
I can't accept this. I won't accept this! I'm not dead. I'm just—
“Having a nightmare?” A dark navy sky suddenly forms above me. Thick, black clouds swirl and cover the moon. Dark trees rise all around me, their gnarled branches reaching up into the air, clawing at bats spinning in chaotic circles, attacking each other at random. Somewhere in the distance, a lone wolf howls. “Oh yes, I'm in your mind too. This is your consciousness and I'm in control for now. You're dead. You don't get a say. Your mind is drifting away but I can hold it together. All those chaotic little bits and pieces scattered everywhere. This is you and this is the nothingness, where everyone ends up eventually. Disappointed yet? I told you it was depressing.”
“The nothingness?” I ask, trying not to let my fear show. I-I mean, this is pretty freaking unnerving. I'm dead and I'm trapped in an abyss and Discord can do whatever he wants with my... soul? My consciousness? I don't even know....
“Yes, the nothingness. Are you even listening? I've mentioned it several times now. That's what this place is. The realm between realms. That blank space between everything that exists and ever will exist and there's me and my chaos sitting in the middle of reality itself. Because it's all chaos! All madness! Hah! Life is just insanity. All of it.” He falls backwards and drifts in mid-air on his back. “And you, dear Rainbow Dash, are stuck here between realms because you're uncertain.”
I stare at him. “Uncertain of what? Isn't this where everypony goes?”
“For a little while. But you've been reliving that same Monday morning for quite a while now and it's different every time. Most ponies pass on without my assistance. Ah, but you are different. Like a few before you. Well, more than a few. Some have trouble with death, you see. Your memories just refuse to die with you.” He shakes his head, looking a bit exasperated. “It's making things difficult and I do hate it when that happens. You know, you could help me out, make this go quick, if you'd just tell me one thing.”
I blink. I don't know what he wants or if I even want to hear the question. This is... this is nuts! I've been living that same morning over and over? I don't remember that! I don't remember much of anything... just... waking up. I take a deep breath. “What is it?” I ask, my voice catching on something in the back of my throat.
Discord studies me a moment, getting a strange, almost... concerned look in his eyes before clearing his throat to ask the question. “Why did you have to kill yourself, Rainbow Dash?”
I stare at him in horror. “Wh-what?” I gasp. “What do you mean I killed myself? I didn't! Th-there's no way I would—“
“But you did,” Discord insists. “Look, it's right here in your file.” He reaches into the trunk of one of the trees and a drawer manifests there. He pulls it open, flipping through a few folders before settling on one in the middle with my name printed in bold on the front. “See? Rainbow Dash, cause of death: suicide.” He flips the folder over and lets me see. I don't believe it. What kind of sick joke is this?
“You have a file on me?” I ask, glaring at him.
“Oh, everypony has a file, Rainbow Dash. Don't be ridiculous,” Discord replies, shoving the folder back in with the others and slamming the drawer shut. When I reach out to open it again, the whole thing becomes tree bark once more. Of course. What else could I expect from Discord? “If your file says you committed suicide, then that's how it is. Those things do come from Celestia and Luna, you know. You do trust them, don't you?”
I scoff. “I trust them less now, knowing they put you in charge of the bucking afterlife.”
Discord rolls his eyes, flicking a few passing bats in the heads, causing each one to turn a different neon colour as he does so. “I'm going to ignore that comment. I do wish you'd just listen for a moment. I could very well leave right now and trap you here for all eternity in this bleak state of existence. Or perhaps we make it interesting....” He gives an mischievous grin and waves his taloned arm up in the air. A loud chittering noise fills my ears and my eyes go wide as thousands of bats, now growing to three times their original sizes, like winged jackals, bore down on me from above. They spiral around and around, a tornado of wings and teeth and claws, ready to tear me apart. “How's that for chaos, Dash? Having fun yet? Or would you prefer them in blue?” He laughs, flicking two talons together. A flood of deep blue rushes over the blurred bodies of the bats, still spinning, still colliding and chattering and driving me insane! “Or how about red? Purple? Yellow? Or even rainbow!” He gives a loud chuckle and the bats swarm around me in a polychromatic spectrum of madness.
“Stop!” I cry, trying to break free but they won't let me through. Spinning faster and faster, never ending, never letting up.
“Will you listen to me now?” Discord's voice rises above the calamity.
“Yes, yes! Fine! I'll listen!” I cry. “Just make it stop!”
“Very well.” And he claps his left lion-paw and right eagle-talons together.
Everything disappears.
We're standing alone in the abyss now. Nothing all around us, as far as the eye can see. Just a whole lot of black, empty, nothing. Funny, I almost want the bats back. “Now I hope we can talk reasonably now,” Discord says.
I roll my eyes at him. “You? Talking reasonably? Now that is ridiculous.”
“No, what's ridiculous is that you still can't accept your death and it really is making this job annoying.”
“But this is wrong!” I insist. “There's no way I would kill myself. I mean, I had friends!”
“You did,” Discord says bluntly.
“I had a job!”
“That too,” he sighs.
“I was even on my way to becoming a Wonderbolt!” I cry, feeling something grip my chest and cling on tight. There's a knot in my throat and I can't seem to swallow it.
Discord doesn't bother to look me in the eyes. “You certainly were.”
“But I liked living! I mean, my life wasn't perfect, but it was pretty awesome! I was awesome—still am awesome! I love life!”
The oh-so-wonderful 'God of the Afterlife' rolls his eyes at me, crossing his arms. “Then why did you kill yourself?” he asks with a flat tone, sounding bored and exasperated.
I stomp my front hooves down on the ground. A sharp 'crick!' rings through the air. “But I didn't! This has to be some kind of mistake!”
“It's not a mistake,” Discord informs me. “Are you doubting me? Really, Rainbow Dash, just what would I gain from this?”
“Nothing,” I growl. “You just like to torture ponies.”
Discord blinks at me, looking almost taken aback, but I know he's just acting. “Ouch. That really hurt. You know I just like to have a little fun. Do you really think this is fun for me?”
“Probably,” I grumble.
Discord bares his teeth, sticking his head unnervingly close to mine and snarls, “Well. It. Isn't.”
“Fine,” I mutter, turning my eyes away. My heart feels strange. Like panic and guilt and this really weird fluttering sensation it's doing all over the place. I feel cold and hot and sick to my stomach all at the same time.
“You said you'd co-operate. Do you want me to bring those bats back? Or something better, maybe? How about flying lions with snake tails and dragon wings and fangs the size of pony legs? Sound like fun?”
“No,” I sigh. “Sorry. Just... get on with it.” I suddenly don't feel so much like arguing. It's just... too much. I just want to curl up into a ball and sleep. Maybe if I did that I'd wake up back home with my friends and it was all just some horrible dream.... Maybe....
Discord raises an eyebrow at me, but shrugs. “It really was quite a spectacle, you know. At least from the fragments I can see in your mind. I wasn't there to personally witness the event, but still.... A pegasus pony plummeting to her death from her own doorstep, avoiding every instinct to unfurl her wings and save herself. Now that is determination.”
I shake my head. “No! I keep telling you I didn't kill myself! I don't want to be dead!” My vision is starting to blur. That knot in my throat is getting bigger. A weight forms in my chest, mixing with the flood of other sensations, most of which I can't really describe. It just feels like... hurt.
Heavy black clouds start to form in a sky again above me. I can feel light raindrops pattering my back, catching on my coat and mane, collecting there before rolling down my body like the tears from my eyes because it all just feels so damn heavy. This can't be how it ends. In confusion. In a torrent of emotions, most of which I can't even describe because emotions suck. Well, the negative ones do and that's all I'm feeling right now. I didn't kill myself... I couldn't have.... What about Fluttershy? What about Twilight? Rarity? Applejack? Pinkie Pie? What about all of Ponyville? And the Wonderbolts? What about my dreams and my goals? What about everything I never got to do? And it ends here? In an abyss full of nothing with Discord taunting me and going on about how I killed myself? No! I won't accept this! This isn't how it ends. This isn't it!
The rain suddenly stops pummelling my back from above and I look up to find Discord holding an umbrella over me. “I'm afraid it is, Rainbow Dash. This is it.”
I shake my head, closing my eyes tight. “No! No, it's not!” I can't seem to stop the tears from coming now. No matter how much I want to. No matter how much I hate the idea of breaking down right in front of Discord, I just can't stop it. “I just want to go home. I want to be with my friends!” I open my eyes, looking up at him through the rain. “That's what I want. I don't want to be dead, I want to be alive and with my friends!”
Discord frowns, giving me another one of those very strange, concerned looks that don't seem to fit him well. “That much is obvious,” he says, glancing up at the sky and waving his arm to turn the rain off, forcing a false sun out. But not Celestia's sun. Not the right sun. “Look, Rainbow Dash, it doesn't matter what you want. This is how it is. And if you're ever going to move on you need to accept your death and let go of your memories just like everyone else. That's how it works here. If you don't let go, you're stuck here forever so I suggest you comply with what I ask.” He grins then, folding the umbrella and tossing it away. “Besides, it'll be fun.”
“Fun,” I state in an airy, cold tone. “Fun...”
“Oh, that's the spirit!” Discord exclaims. “Now, I need you to think back, as far as you possibly can. We're going to start with the beginning. I would prefer a random order but you ponies seem to do things better in the boring, correct order, so go on. Think back.”
“But I can't remember that far,” I sigh. “I just told you I don't know what happened.”
“No, not to the day you died. Think back to when you were born. Just a foal. Way back. We'll work our way up.” Discord takes a step up into the air and a stair forms under his... let's call it a foot. Dragon-toe thing... whatever. He takes another step up and another stair forms, and another, and another, stretching up into nowhere. “I'm sure you can remember far enough. Everyone does eventually.”
He jumps up a few more steps and I can tell he wants me to follow. I hesitate, though. I mean, it's a freaking twisted, railing-less staircase stretching up into nowhere. No thanks.
But Discord's getting impatient. He reaches down and, before I can run, grabs me around the middle and tosses me up a few steps. “Go on, the first one's up there. This'll all be over soon enough. All you have to do is remember, then quickly forget. Simple as that. And then we can both get on to better things.”
“That doesn't make sense,” I snap, carefully climbing up the steps, if only so Discord doesn't get bored again and decide to toss me back down into oblivion.
“Nothing makes sense here. This is death. Confusing times, Rainbow, that's all it's ever meant to be.”
“Sure. Whatever,” I sigh, climbing higher. Step after endless step, up into the void and—
There's a door. Just to the right. I blink, tilting my head. A dusty old thing with rusted hinges and peeling white paint. Little pink spots speckling the broken mess like splatters of blood. I realize they were once meant to be hearts. How fitting. That's exactly how mine feels right now. Splattered and broken and coughed up. Are we having fun yet, Discord? I think to myself bitterly.
“Not yet,” he replies behind me, making me jump and nearly fall off the freaking steps.
“Don't do that!” I gasp, leaning against the door.
“Or what? You'll have a heart-attack?” He laughs. “You keep forgetting I'm in your mind right now. I can see your thoughts. And how bleak they are. You really need to fix that. Ah! I know what'll do the trick.” Discord grins, reaching forward and twisting the handle. The door creaks a little, then swings open. I tumble inside, looking around frantically. Now where am I?
The ground is soft... very soft. All fluffy and warm just like—clouds? I look around. I'm standing outside a moderately-sized house with a small walkway and a yard full of fluff. I turn, looking back for Discord but the door is gone. Where am I? And why do I feel so... comforted?
And suddenly I'm somewhere else. Wrapped up in something warm and soft and so tight I can't move much. What the—little lightning bolts and stars dangle above me and I swat at them with my hooves—my tiny, little hooves....
“Look, Rainbow,” a soothing voice is saying above me. “This is outside. Real stars will come out tonight. You'll see.”
Two pale pink hooves reach into my... basket (is that it?) and pull me up into the world outside. I blink, looking around as if everything were just so amazing. An amazing cloud and an amazing sky and an amazing bird flying overhead and that sunset....
And a welcoming face looking over me.
My mother's face.
And something about her makes my heart feel warm. My breathing calms and I can't help but smile. She lifts me up higher so I can see the first star rise in the evening sky, then she pulls me back down and holds me close. “You see how big it is, Rainbow? The sky up there? How beautiful? It's all yours. The whole thing. Yours for soaring and diving and gliding through the darkest nights and the brightest days. All of it for you.”
A low voice is chuckling beside us. “Don't give her too many ideas. She might grow up with an ego as big as yours.” Then a pleasant, blue face hovers over me as well and I smile again. Dad. I bat at his nose.
“Nothing wrong with that,” my mother says with a smile. “Considering how amazing she can be.”
My dad smiles back and nuzzles both my mom and me. He looks so happy. So content. Funny... I can't seem to remember much of this. It.. it doesn't seem to want to come back. But that's okay, because I'm here now and I'm safe with my mother and my father and the whole wide world at our hooves.
I yawn and nestle myself closer to my mother. As close as I can possibly get before closing my eyes to sleep. Happy. So happy. But something's wrong. Something I can feel deep in my heart. I blink, looking around, but the scene is fading away. Disappearing. I feel cold, falling to the floor, my blanket unravelling, landing on unsteady hooves. My mother's image shimmers for a moment before the wind whisks it away, along with the smiling face of my father. The world begins to spin. Faster and faster until everything fades into everything else and I'm thrown back down to the nothingness.
I'm sitting on the staircase, the door still standing before me. My heart is racing. I get up, leaping forward, but the second I touch the doorknob it all turns to dusk, drifting down and down and down forever. I gasp, slipping off the edge, falling forward, about to drop when something pulls me back. Keeps me steady. “Careful. That wasn't even a big one! You really are quite terrible at this, you know,” says the voice of none other than Discord.
I take a shaky breath. “What... what just happened? I.. I was... I was with my....” I pause. Wait. There was warmth, I remember. Warmth and... and comfort. But why? Where was I?
“It's gone now,” Discord tells me. “Your first memory. The very first thing you can recall. Don't worry, the first is usually the worst. It should get easier as we go o—“
“I just lost my first memory?” I cry. “But... but I couldn't have. I—“
Discord groans. “Do you have to make this so difficult? Yes. It's gone. Poof. Bye-bye, memory. There's a whole lot more where that came from. We don't have time to dwell on it. Just move alone.” He pushes me forward, urging me up the stairs. I hesitate, feeling strange, but press on anyway.
Though I can't help but feel a little... emptier. Like a little piece of me is missing. I don't like this. Not at all. Why do I even have to do this? It makes me want to be sick. But it doesn't look like I have much choice. The staircase just rolls on forever, up and up and up. Just how many memories are we going to erase?
