I Don't Know What To Write!
Chapter the Last and Only
"Gahhhh! Spike, help me!" she shouted at me for probably the fifth time this morning. Like the other four times, I was at a loss as for how to help her. You know the phrase "Sisters: can't live with them, can't live without them"? Well I was definitely sitting towards the "Can't live with" part of the saying right now.
"Sigh... I've offered you help. How do you want me to help you? Every time you exclaim 'Gahhhh! Spike, help me!' is another five seconds I could have been reading my comic book. HOW can I help you?!"
"I don't know!" Twilight exclaimed, doing her usual 'pacing in circles' routine. "Just help me somehow!"
"Twilight," I deadpanned (Because when she is being annoying and dysfunctional like this I have every right to deadpan.), "how can you expect me to help you when you won't tell me how to help you?" I know I shouldn't encourage her neurotic behavior, but hey, I'm thirteen. Being an ass is in my job description.
"Guh, I don't know! Just... brainstorm with me or something. It's Friday morning! my letter to Celestia is due tomorrow! I'm not going to freak out like I used to, but still you know how I HATE being tardy!"
Sometimes I suspect the sole reason Celestia gave me to the Light-Velvet family was to keep Twilight Jr. (my sister) from going insane. But who do I get to keep her from driving me insane, huh? Rarity doesn't offer psychological counseling unfortunately. Which is totally too bad. Anyway...
"Twilight, you and I BOTH know that Princess Celestia doesn't expect you to send these letters. YOU expect you to send those letters to her. I've...sigh... told you this multiple times before, but I'll remind you again that Celestia has repeatedly emphasized that your friendship letters are strictly OPTIONAL. She has stated this on seven seperate occasions, the most recent time being when you had your last breakdown, March 23rd."
Twilight smiled. "Spike, you keep track of my mental breakdowns? You're so organized! I'm so proud of my little brother!" She stopped pacing long enough to squeeze me into a hug. Then she continued. "Spike, why do you keep track of my breakdowns? That's kind of creepy." 
"Sorry Twi," I said. "OSHA requirement."
"Oh, okay. I'm uh... glad you follow rules and regulations. But that's not going to help my letter get written. I know, I know, I don't actually have to send her a letter. But it's a tradition. A huge tradition. I've been sending her letters for years now. It's actually easier now being a princess; I don't just have to -- I mean get to... heh-- deal with my own friendship problems, I try to sort out issues for hundreds of thousands of other ponies. But I've got nothing this week. Everything's going right! Normally, that would be a great thing, but right now it's not. My sending letters is a tradition. I can't neglect it Spike! Celestia might think something is wrong! This is important! So please please please please pleeeeaaase help me!"
You know, I have a lot of time to think about stuff, what with not going to school or anything. Among the things I've thought about are how to placate Twilight when she gets all crazy like this. Right now it was time for Twilight Placating Maneuver #327. I have all these on index cards, but this particular response I have memorized. I was excited, this would actually be my first time getting to use it!
"Twilight, what are some of the situations Princess Celestia has asked you to deal with?"
She paused in her pacing. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Work with me here Twi," I responded. "Answer the question."
"Okay, Okay, so umm, well she sent me to Ponyville ostensibly to do party planning but in fact to take charge of the Elements of Harmony and together with my newfound friends defeat Nightmare Moon and save the world."
"Good, Go on. What else has she trusted you with?"
"Well," she continued, "She trusted my friends and I to defeat Discord, and I came through thanks to her encouragement in the darkest hour. But then she DIDN'T TRUST ME 
when I, who know my brother better than ANYPONY ELSE except maybe his wife, INSISTED that he was being brainwashed by an EVIL BI-- MPHMPMPHH!!!"
I grabbed her muzzle. "Alright, bad example, move on."
She calmed down. "Heh, sorry. Ummmm, she trusted my friends and I to help out in the Crystal Empire, and specifically trusted me to make the right decisions as far as her test went, which of course you know because I deligated saving an empire to you when I no longer could."
I blushed. "Awww, thanks Twi. Any other situations?"
"Of course! She thought I had matured enough to grow a pair of these!" She poofed out her wings proudly, making a smug face." 
"Exactly girl, and you also saved her when the Everfree forest went bananas! And then you negotiated with the pirates from the south last year and got them to leave us alone, a diplomatic masterpiece! And there was that one time when rockodiles invaded the Canterlot sewer system --which was pretty cool actually except for the whole pony-eating part. And a bunch of other examples I could probably think of. But I think you get the point."
She giggled. 
"Sort of Spike, I get that she trusts me with a lot of responsibilities. But what does that have to do with my friendship reports?"
It was time for my pièce de résistance (pardon my Prench.). "So do you think Celestia trusts you?"
"Of course, I just said that," she replied.
"Well then," I finished, "I think she will assume that if you don't send a friendship report this week, it isn't because there has been a disaster or you are lazy or something. It's just 'cause you have nothing to say. You have to have faith that she has faith in you." I folded my arms and smiled. Checkmate, Twilight freaking out!
She paused, processing this new viewpoint. "So wait..." she said slowly. "You're saying that if I don't send the Friendship report she'll be expecting me to send, she won't banish me to magic kindergarden?"
I faceclawed. "Twilight, did you really think that might happen?"
She blushed. 
"Well... no but... I maybe got worked up about it because I thought she would get worked up about it, because I assumed she would assume the worst."
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh. Spike: 1, Twilight: 0. "Yeah, so do you feel kinda silly now Twilight?"
"Heh, yeah. 
BUT! I know what to write about now!
I just rolled my eyes. I am completely justified in doing so.
"Spike," she told me, "take a letter."
I did.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that not only should I have faith in my friends, but that I also should always trust that they have faith in me. True friends won't abandon you even if you have a slip up here and there, and sometimes I have a hard time remembering that. I was freaking out because I had nothing to send you for my friendship report, but Spike reminded me that you have more than enough faith in me to understand that if I don't stick to my correspondence schedule, there's probably a good reason for it. I KNOW that you've told me this before, but apparently I needed reminding. But hey, now I have a great friendship report to send you, so it all worked out in the end!
~Your faithful student, Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S.: I, Spike, would like to remind you that I was totally the one who helped her realize this! You should probably thank me with gems or something for keeping your protégé from having one of her moments! ~Sincerly, Spike
Author's Note
