One pair to rule them all
It all started long, long ago, back in 2012. The hipsters, who had been wearing sunglasses for years before it became mainstream, all started whining on Reddit that others were taking their style, and that they should be the only ones allowed to wear sunglasses.
This started a great flame war between the hipsters, rappers, pop-artists, snowboarders, beach-goers, FBI agents, and all others who wear sunglasses. Each believed that their side was the correct one, and had the right to look cooler than the rest.
Eventually, this flame war turned into a real war, with drone strikes, drive-by shootings, copyright lawsuits, and vanilla lattes being angrily thrown in all directions. When the dust settled, everyone involved had been killed, shot, maimed, jailed, sued, burned, or downvoted into oblivion.
The war also resulted in the destruction of every pair of sunglasses on earth, save for one. This is the pair that Rainbow Dash now wears proudly upon her head.
Three pairs of dark shades for Korean popstar Psy,
seven shutter shades for the rapper Kanye West,
nine for that pun-making detective on CSI,
one for Rainbow Dash, cooler than the rest.
In the land of Equestria where the shades lie.
One pair cooler than them all, one sun to shine them,
One pair to protect the eyes and stop the sun from blinding them
In the land of Equestria where the shades lie.
How did it get from earth to Equestria? I have no idea; this isn’t a human in Equestria story. There’s not even a human tag. If there were a sunglasses tag, I’d use it. But regardless, make its way into Equestria the pair of sunglasses did, and you’re just going to have to accept it.
One day, the Diamond Dogs were busily excavating for their precious gemstones inside of their cave.
“This such hard work!” groaned one of the dogs, a canine of medium build named Fido. He was the leader of the group, the one who wore the red vest. Sweat collected on his brow as he swung his pickaxe down into the rock wall side of the mine. Dust and dirt pebbles scattered everywhere.
“You sure said it, Fido,” said his short, stocky partner, named Rover. His tongue lolled out of his mouth as he panted in exhaustion.
“Hey, look what I found in cave wall!” cried the tall, lanky dog named Abraham.
What? They can’t all have dog names.
Rover and Fido dropped their pickaxes and walked over to where Abraham stood. He pointed with his paw towards the ground, where a dusty pair of thick-framed wayfarer sunglasses stood.
“That sure one weird gem!” said Rover.
“What is it?” asked Fido, picking it up in his paw.
“Me have no idea!” said Rover. He and Fido examined the sunglasses. The shades were unlike anything that they had ever seen.
Fido held the sunglasses up to the light of one of the mining lanterns, and then he examined them.
“Look! Me can see light through it, but not as much as me normally see,” said Fido.
Rover took the sunglasses. He held them up to his eyes. Then, he glanced at the frames, and an idea clicked in his mind. He jumped up into the air, hitting his head on the mining lantern.
“I’ve got it! Also, ouch!”
Rover placed the sunglasses over his eyes.
Suddenly, the other two’s perception of him changed. His eyes were now obscured, hiding all emotion. He could’ve been thinking anything. He could’ve been sleeping but have looked like he was awake. He could’ve been looking off into space, or staring straight into his co-workers’ souls while they were unguarded. He could’ve been looking at right their breasts without them knowing it—if they actually had breasts, that is.
Though he was covered in dirt, and though he wore ragged mining clothes and a worn-out leather collar, his sunglasses more than made up for it. He went from being some muddy, mangy mining mutt to a classy, carefree cool canine.
“Awesome!” Rover cried, his tail wagging in delight. “They so cool. Also, they shading my eyes. Let’s call them shades.”
“You looks cool!” exclaimed Fido.
“Neat, now me try it,” said Abraham. He reached over to Rover’s head. Rover backed away, and Abraham narrowed his eyebrows.
“Red Rover, red Rover, hand those shades right over!” he demanded, raising his voice.
“Me no think so,” said Rover. “Me wanna wear these all the time! My precious!”
“No, MY precious! Me found it first!” yelled Abraham, stomping towards Rover as Rover backed up.
“Breaks it up!” said Fido, stepping in-between the two dogs. “You two should be ashamed of yourselves.”
They both silently nodded.
“Now, obviously, as our leader, the shades should go to me!” he said, swiping the shades off of Rover’s head and putting them on his own.
“Hey!” cried the other two dogs, and then all three of them got into a fist-fight. Rover took a swing at Fido, hitting him right in the jaw. Abraham kicked Rover in the tail. Rover karate-chopped Fido, hitting him in the spleen. Fido fell down on the floor, and Abraham swiped the sunglasses from his head. He held them up high in the air. Rover jumped and jumped to try to get them, but he was too short to reach. However, this didn’t deter him, as he then kicked Abraham in the groin, causing him to wince in pain and drop the sunglasses. But before Rover could get them, Fido reached over and grabbed them, having gotten up off the ground.
This fight continued for another five minutes, and then they all had to stop to sniff each other’s butts.
But then they continued fighting. Rover grabbed a mining lantern, smashing it over Abraham’s head. Abraham took his pickaxe and knocked out three of Fido’s teeth. Too bad he only had three left to start. Fido bit Abraham in the side, but all this toothless bite caused Abraham to do was laugh hysterically, as he was quite ticklish. He flailed his paws around uncontrollably, knocking the sunglasses into a chasm.
The three dogs stopped fighting as they heard the sunglasses land in the chasm below.
“Great, now look what you done!” Fido scolded.
“I say we throw Abraham down into pit with shades!” said Rover.
“Nah, we need him to mine,” said Fido. “Oh well. I guess shades lost forever.”
Little did they know, the shades were far from being lost forever.
Thousands upon thousands of minutes later
Gilda the Griffon was busy flying around Equestria after a long day of doing drive by shootings, robbing banks, and throwing her empty aluminum cans in the trash instead of recycling them.
“Man, what a busy day of being a jerk I’ve had,” she self-deprecated as she flew over a sandy and rocky area of Equestria.
“I wonder what those Diamond Dorks are up to. I haven’t hit them up in a while,” she said, landing down near the Diamond Dogs’ cave.
She entered the mouth of the cave, still smoking a cigarette and not bothering to put it out, (even though by doing so she was breaking the Equestrian smoking ban, which bans smoking in all enclosed workplaces, even gem mines.)
Gilda snuck up behind the three diamond dog miners and grinned a devious smile. Then she reached with her claw into her griffon pocket and pulled out a dog whistle. She put it up to her beak, but then sadly discovered that you can’t actually blow through a whistle with a beak.
So, she just threw the whistle right at Fido’s head.
“Ouch!” he cried, turning around to see Gilda.
“Hey, Diamond Ditz,” she said, blowing smoke in his face.
“Gilda the griffon? What you doing here?”
“Oh, me? Nothing much, just came to collect my protection money for the month. You wouldn’t want there to be an ‘accident’ here, would you?”
“Uh…” said Fido, nervously scratching the back of his head.
Gilda frowned. “What?”
“Well, you see, we having a bit of a gem shortage…”
Gilda flared her wings, extended her claws, and menacingly walked over to Fido, towering over him.
“We so sorry! Please don’t kill us! We do anything!”
“Anything? How about PAY ME!?” Gilda shrieked.
“Look, we did had something to give you, but we lost it. It down in that chasm over there,” said Fido, pointing towards the pit.
“Oh yeah?” asked Gilda. “What is it?”
“It a pair of shades! When you wear it over eyes, you be cool! Also, it block out some sunlight, but you can still see!”
Gilda scratched her chin with her claw. “Hmm…” she said. “Well, that sounds pretty neat. I do have sensitive eyes, and I have a history of glaucoma in my family. But you’d better not be jerking me around...”
She menacingly glared at Fido.
“He not,” said Abraham. “We see the shades, too.”
“Yup,” said Rover.
“All you need do is fly down and get it!” exclaimed Fido. “We would, but we can’t fly, and it too steep to climb.”
“Alright, but if this is a trick…” Gilda menaced. She hovered into the air, grabbed a lantern from off the wall, and descended down into the pit.
About five minutes later, she returned, wearing the sunglasses over her eyes.
“This is rad!” she exclaimed. “Okay, Diamond Dweebs. You don’t have to worry about your protection money… this time.”
“Thank you so much, Gilda!” cried Fido.
The next day, Gilda was strollin’ around Ponyville with these shades on. Everywhere she went, ponies gave her compliments.
“Nice shades, Gilda!”
“Totally radical!”
“Wish I had a pair.”
“We already paid you this month; please don’t burn our store to the ground!”
Oh wait, that last one wasn’t a compliment at all.
Rainbow Dash, who was asleep on her cloud, woke up upon hearing all of the compliments.
“Ah, so glad that they love me so much,” she said, descending down into the town.
“Thank you, thank you.” She took a bow.
“Not you, Rainbow Dash,” groaned Sparkler, pointing in the opposite direction. “Gilda the griffon!”
Rainbow’s eyes widened as she glanced at Gilda. Upon her head were the most magnificent pair of sunglasses that she had ever seen. Well, the only pair of sunglasses she’d ever seen.
Sure, Spitfire wore aviators, but those were little more than tinted spectacles. But these? These were true shades.
“Hey, Gilda,” said Rainbow Dash.
The aforementioned griffon glanced down to see Rainbow Dash walking right beside her.
“Oh hey, Rainbow Dunce,” Gilda scoffed. “I thought that you weren’t my friend anymore, because you and your pony friends are all too good for me. Racist against griffons, much?”
Rainbow blushed. “What, racism? No, of course not. I’m only racist towards dirt walkers,” she said, referring to any being that couldn’t fly.
“So whaddaya want?” asked Gilda.
“Well, I was wondering…” started Rainbow Dash.
“Mmhmm,” said Gilda.
“If it wouldn’t be too much trouble…”
“Yeah?” asked Gilda.
“And I really don’t want to impose…”
“And?” Gilda demanded. “Who are you, Klutzershy? Out with it, already!”
“...Fine. I wanted to know if I could have those glasses of yours.”
“Pfft,” Gilda scoffed. “And why would I give them to you, Rainbow Douche? These shades are for cool ponies, and you don’t look like one to me.”
“Look, I’ll do whatever you want,” said Rainbow Dash, getting on her hooves and knees. “Pleeeeeeease? I’ll be your best fr—”
She paused for a moment, realizing the full gravity of what she had almost said.
“Well, okay, maybe not that. But I will do anything else you want, Gilda.”
Gilda chuckled. “Anything, huh? Well, I won’t give up these shades without a price. And this price may be too steep for you to pay.”
“I’ll do it!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Anything to get those cool shades!”
“Okay,” said Gilda. “I want some prescription painkillers. Not the weak stuff, but the good stuff. And you’d better give me a whole bunch of them, too. Like, we’re talking about at least a kilo here. Do that, and I’ll let you have these.”
“It’s a deal!” said Rainbow Dash, shaking Gilda’s claw.
Rainbow Dash walked through the front door of Ponyville General hospital. She walked up to the front desk, where she saw Nurse Redheart.
“Hello, can I speak to Doctor Stable?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Do you have an appointment?” the nurse asked.
“It’s an emergency!” Rainbow said. “My whole life depends on it!”
The nurse’s eyes widened.
“Paging Doctor Stable. Doctor Stable to the front desk, please.”
Soon, the unicorn version of Caramel—uh, I mean Doctor Stable, arrived.
“I’d like a kilogram of vicodin, please,” said Rainbow Dash.
Doctor Stable blinked several times, his jaw dropping down to the floor of the hospital.
“One… kilogram? That’s ten thousand pills! Not even I take that much, and I have a crippling addiction to them!”
“But I need them! Or else I’ll die of lameness!”
“Rainbow Dash, I can’t in good conscience dispense that number of pills,” said unicorn Caramel.
“Isn’t there anything I can to do, um, sweeten the deal?” asked Rainbow Dash, fluttering her eyelids.
Doctor Stable glanced around, looking furtively. Then, he leaned in towards Rainbow Dash.
“There is one thing you can do. You see, I am a lonely old curmudgeon who has never found love. But I need somepony to love. Lately, I’ve been eyeing that teacher over at Ponyville Elementary.”
“Cheerilee?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Doctor Stable stepped back.
“Is that her name? Seriously?” he asked, grimacing. “Well, she’s still hot, at least. Get me a date with her, and I’ll give you the pills. But no telling anypony about this deal, or I could lose my medical license.”
Rainbow Dash saluted to him. “You got it, Doc!”
She flew out the front door of the hospital.
“Sorry, I don’t do blind dates anymore. Not after that whole incident with the Cutie Mark Crusaders,” Cheerilee said, shuddering.
“But you’ve gotta! My cool—I mean, Doctor Stable’s love life—depends on it! Besides, you know him; he’s one of like two doctors in this whole town!”
“Sorry, but I’m too busy to get into a relationship. I have so many papers to grade, and just don’t have the time to date.”
Rainbow Dash grinned. “What if I could grade the papers for you?”
“Okay. What’s the square root of eighty-one?”
“Uh…” Rainbow Dash started. “Er… Oh, come on, that’s not a fair question. Math is for eggheads.”
Cheerilee rolled her eyes. “Exactly my point. I’d need an actual teaching assistant to help me. But unfortunately, this school district just doesn’t have the money to hire anypony.”
“Why not?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Well, because we don’t have enough students to reach the level required to trigger additional federal funds.”
“How many more would you need?”
“To meet the arbitrary number of students to be considered for hundreds of thousands more dollars? Oh, just one.”
“Wait, one?” asked Rainbow Dash, raising her eyebrows.
“Yes, one. As in, two less than three. But unfortunately, there’s not many ponies moving into Ponyville anymore. Which is a shame.”
“What if I could convince a young filly or colt to move to Ponyville and enroll in your class?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Then the school would get thousands and thousands more dollars! Oh, think of what we could do with that money! My pensi—I mean, get to educate the kids better. You convince a child to move here, and I’ll definitely go on this date,” said Cheerilee.
“Alright. I’ll be back,” said Rainbow Dash, zipping out the front door.
“No way!”
“Aw, come on, Babs! Your cousin and the cutie mark crusaders live there! What’s not to like?”
“Ponyville’s a small town. But Manehattan’s cool! There’s tons of stuff to do, and places to go! It’s the center of the world! I like my cousin and all, but Manehattan’s where it’s at.”
“You could always visit Manehattan, though,” said Rainbow Dash. “I’ll take you whenever you want! It only took me like three hours to fly here.”
“I’m afraid of heights,” said Babs Seed. “Besides, I can visit Ponyville, too.”
Rainbow Dash groaned. “I don’t suppose there’s anything I could do to convince you? I’m willing to do anything, you see.”
“Anything, huh?” asked Babs Seed, a smile spreading over her face. “If I don’t have to go to the dentist in Ponyville, then I’ll move there.”
“Deal!” said Rainbow Dash, flying out the window and back towards Ponyville.
“Retire? But I’m only forty-two.”
“Oh, that’s plenty long enough, Colgate! You should just take it easy. You’ve earned it.”
“But I’m the only dentist in this town,” said Colgate. “If I quit, who will fill the cavities? Who will put on braces? Who will do root canals?”
“Uh…” Rainbow Dash started. “Aw, come on! Those are all lame! And I’ll be lame if you don’t quit your job!”
“Sorry, Rainbow Dash,” said Colgate. “The only way I’d quit this job is if I were offered a much better one.”
“Tooth fairy?”
“Yeah, you know? The alicorn who flies around to all the little fillies and colts who have lost teeth and put them under their pillow, and then gives them money?”
“You know that’s an old pony tale, right? The tooth fairy isn’t a real royal position, and Luna and I have better things to do with our time.”
“Then why don’t you turn a pony into an alicorn and have them be the tooth fairy? And I know the perfect candidate! She’s even a dentist.”
The princess leaned back in her chair. “Well, I don’t know if our royal coffers could support it…”
“It’d just be like a bit per tooth,” said Rainbow Dash.
“And I’ve already recently made another alicorn: your friend Twilight. I don’t want to go making alicorns for no reason...”
“Aw, come on, everypony knows that there’s a new alicorn like every year anyway,” said Rainbow Dash. “Come on, Princess. What would it take for you to make a tooth fairy?”
The princess chuckled. “Well, you could just say ‘please.’”
Rainbow’s head briefly exploded, and then re-materialized on her shoulders as she hugged the princess over and over.
“I get to be the tooth fairy? This is the best promotion I ever could have asked for! Thank you, Rainbow Dash!”
“You got the only dentist in Ponyville to quit her job? Awesome! I’m packing my bags this evening and moving in with Apple Bloom!”
“Another student’s moving to town! Now this school district will finally get some money, and I’ll have time for a love life!”
“You actually got her to say yes? That’s impressive. Alright, I’ll be right back. Just need to sneak into the pharmacy when the pharmacist’s on his lunch break. You got ten thousand sugar pills on you so that he won’t notice they’re missing?”
“Oh, hey, Rainbow Dipsh—”
A giant bag of vicodin hit Gilda upside her beak, knocking her sunglasses off of her head. Rainbow Dash zipped over to the ground where they landed, picking them up and placing them over her eyes.
“YES!” Rainbow Dash exclaimed.
“Ugh… OW!” cried Gilda, massaging her cracked beak.
“Eh, what do you care,” said Rainbow Dash. “You’ve got ten thousand vicodin.”
Rainbow Dash soared up high into the air, as the entire town gazed upon her awesome coolness. Then, she dive-bombed the ground, creating a sonic sunglasses boom, which is like a sonic rainboom except it doesn’t contain any harmful ultraviolet radiation.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how Rainbow Dash got her sunglasses.
