Stop Right There, Criminal Scum!

by Mattricole

Rating: everyone
Tags: Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Comedy
Length: 2091

Diamond Tiara decides to rid Ponyville of all crime.

After witnessing her mother being violated by a stallion in public, and nopony doing anything to stop it, Diamond Tiara decides to take the law into her own hooves. Watch out criminal scum, there's a new guardsmare in town, and her name is Diamond Dazzle Tiara!

Edited by Mudpony

Published 2013-12-14 14:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-14 14:00:02 UTC

Stop Right There, Criminal Scum!

It had started out normally enough, Diamond Tiara went out with her mother to pick up some groceries. Sure, they had servants that could easily do it, and Diamond Tiara hated carrying stuff from the market all the way to her house, but it was thanks to this very chore that she could do the one thing she loved more than secretly watching Apple Bloom eat her lunch.

It allowed her to spend time with her mother.

Yes, sadly her mother was constantly busy at work and never had time to spend with her beloved family. Diamond Tiara wasn’t too mad about it. After all, the poor had very bad hygiene, and Minuette was the best dentist the town had.

“Mom, Mom!” Diamond Tiara tugged at her mom’s hooves, pointing at Bon Bon’s stand. “Can I get some candy?! Please!”

“Now, Diamond, I already bought you those action figures, video games, dresses-”

“But Mooooom!”

“I’m sorry, Diamond, but the answer is no,” Minuette stated, nudging Diamond Tiara forward away from the stand.

“But Moooooooooom!”

“Diamond Tiara, I said-”

“But Moooooooooooooooo-!”

“Okay, fine!” Minuette shouted, giving Diamond enough bits to buy some chocolate bon bons. “Just meet me by the apple stands when you’re done, okay?”

“Yes, Mommy!” Diamond Tiara said before giving her mother a quick kiss to the cheek, and quickly ran off to get her prize. Minuette sighed to herself as she watched her daughter buy candy.

“Looks like I’m going to have to scare her away from candy again with the drill,” she said to herself as she made her way towards the apple stand.

Meanwhile, Diamond Tiara was munching on her bon bons, her favorite candy in the world. It was the chocolate of sophistication and was incredibly sweet, just like her.

Well, I better go find Mommy, she thought to herself as she started to make her way back to Minuette.

“I’m sorry, but I’m already married,” Minuette said, backing away from somepony.

“So? Come on, babe, lemme show you a good time!” the stallion said as he tried to wrap his foreleg around Minuette.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing to my mommy!” Diamond Tiara screamed as she ran to her mothers side, growling at the stallion.

“Beat it, kid! I’m trying to score here!” the stallion said as he turned towards Minuette. “So, babe, can I get you-”

“Stop right there, criminal scum! You violated my mother!” Diamond Tiara shouted, catching the attention of everypony in the market place.

“N-no, I didn’t!” he said as he backed away, but it was too late. Many of the ponies were whispering now amongst themselves, and a couple of them, such as Big McIntosh and Snowflake, were glaring and beginning to make their way to him. “I...uh, gotta go!” he said as he ran off, quickly followed by several stallions planning on teaching him a “lesson”.

“I-I did it! I scared him off!” Diamond Tiara laughed with a smirk. She was quickly hugged by Minuette, who repeatedly kissed her head and held her close.

“Oh Diamond Tiara, my baby! Are you alright?!”

“Mooooom! You’re the one who was getting harrassed!” Diamond Tiara whined as she tried to push her mother away.

“Oh, my little diamond! You’re so brave!” Minuette said as she nuzzled her daughter’s cheek. “Oh, thank you, Diamond, my little guardsmare you!”

Guardsmare? Diamond Tiara repeated in her head, a smirk starting to form on her face. Yeah, that sounds good, really good! After all, this town needed a proper guardsmare! And who better than her? That’s right! I’ll protect this town from all ponies who would harm it! She thought to herself as she finally hugged Minuette back, thoughts of justice running through her head.

And thus, The Guardsmare was born.

“Hey, fatty!” a young colt yelled out as he threw Truffle Shuffle against the wall. “Gimme your lunch money, or else!”

“Oh my, please have mercy!” Truffle cried as he reached for his coin purse. “I don’t want any-”

“Stop right there, criminal scum!”

“What the?! Who’s there?” the colt asked as he turned around, staring at a seething Diamond Tiara. “W-what do you want?”

“You violated the law. Remove your hooves from him or I’m taking you in!” Diamond Tiara threatened as she stepped closer towards the colt, causing him to whimper.

“Alright, alright! Just… Just don’t come near me!” he said as he backed away from Truffle Shuffle. I’m too young to get cooties! he thought to himself as he took off running, whimpering loudly for all to hear.

“Wow, thanks, Diamond Tiara. I owe you one!” Truffle Shuffle said as he wiped his brow.

“‘Tis no problem, citizen. I, the loyal guardsmare, will always be here to protect the innocent!” Diamond Tiara said with a salute. “Now hurry along to school. You don’t want another bully coming after you.”

“Yeah, you’re right! Thanks again!” Truffle Shuffle laughed as he ran off, albeit slowly, to school. Watching him leave, Diamond Tiara sighed happily.

“Now that that’s taken care of, I better head off to school too.”

“Ma’am, we have a problem!” Featherweight yelled as he entered the jungle gym outside the schoolhouse.

“I thought I hired you to take care of problems, Featherweight!” a dark figure growled viciously.

“I-I’m sorry, Madame,” he cried, backing away from the angry figure. “but there is nothing I can do against...this.”

“Oh, and what is ‘this’ that you speak of?” she asked as she gazed lovingly at her hooves. She had just got a hooficure and it was done fabulously.

“It’s Diamond Tiara! She’s calling herself ‘The Guardsmare.’”

“The Guardsmare?” the figure asked, more to herself than to Featherweight. “Well, if she’s calling herself that, I suppose that means she prevented one of my underlings from stealing somepony’s lunch money?”

“Yes, Madame, and dare I say, she looked good doing it,” Featherweight murmured with a blush, causing the mare to growl.

“I care not if she looked good doing it!” the figure yelled, slamming her hoof into her cardboard box (for she was too stingy to buy a table). “All that matters is that she’s stopped!”

“Very well, I will get…him,” Featherweight whimpered, and quickly left. As he did, the figure smirked to herself and chuckled slowly.

“Oh, Diamond, nopony crosses me. Not even you.”

Finally, the school day had finally ended. Class was let out, and Diamond Tiara swiftly got up from her chair and rushed out the door.

“Oh, I can’t wait till I get home!” Diamond Tiara giggled to herself. Tonight her mother would be making dinner, and even though it would no doubt be healthy, it would still be far more delicious than her father’s cooking.

“Hold it right there, Missy!” Somepony yelled out, causing Diamond to stop in her tracks.

“Who’s there?” Diamond Tiara growled as she turned around. Standing in front of her was Rumble smirking at her. “What do you want? Shouldn’t you be, like, serenading Spike or something?”

“That’s none of your business, Diamond!” Rumble yelled out with a blush. “I-it’s not like I like him or anything,” he mumbled before coughing into his hoof. “Listen here, you’ve been causing us trouble-”

“Who’s we?”

“It’s not important who we are!” Rumble said with a snarl.

“Then why should I care?” Diamond Tiara asked with a raised eyebrow, causing Rumble to growl.

“Th-that’s...uh…” Rumble mumbled to himself, unable to come up with a answer.

“Well, since I’m clearly not meant to care, I’m just going to go home now,” Diamond Tiara grumbled as she turned around and began walking away.

“Hold it right there!”

“Oh for the love of Celestia,” Diamond Tiara grumbled to herself, before turning around. “What now?!”

“You better stay out of our affairs, or else!” Rumble threatened as he shook his hoof in front of Diamond Tiara’s face.

“Or else what?”

“W-what?” Rumble asked, putting his hoof back down.

“I said, ‘Or else what?’” Diamond Tiara asked once again, tapping her hoof on the ground impatiently.

“Or I’ll… Uh,” Rumble mumbled, unable to come up with anything. “Or… Or else!” he screamed once again as he shook his hoof in front of Diamond Tiara’s face.

“Wave that hoof in front of my face again and I’ll shove it down your throat!” Diamond Tiara growled as she swatted Rumble’s hoof away, causing him to whimper. “NOW GIT!”

“Mommy!” Rumble cried as he quickly ran away, earning stares from his classmates.

“Pathetic,” Diamond Tiara sighed to herself as she turned around and started heading home once again. Criminals had no backbones these days.

“What do you mean you failed?!” the mare roared at Rumble, who was whimpering in a corner. “You had one job, Rumble. ONE! JOB!”

“I’m sorry!” Rumble cried, sobbing into his hooves. “I tried intimidating her, but she wouldn’t go for it!”

“...Did you try, oh I don’t know, HITTING HER?!” the mare asked, her eye twitching in irritation.

“But… But my mommy says it’s not nice to hit mares,” Rumble replied, scratching his head in confusion.

“Nice? NICE?! WHY ARE YOU IN THIS BUSINESS IF- GAH, FORGET IT!” she yelled, rubbing her temples in irritation. “Just… Just get out,” she said as she pointed at the doorway. Still whimpering, Rumble quickly left as he was told. “If you want something done, you gotta do it yourself,” she mumbled, still rubbing her temples as she glared at a wall.

“Um, can I use the jungle gym now?” Button Mash asked, poking his head in.

“GET OUT OF HERE!” the mare yelled as she threw a dodgeball at Button Mash, hitting him on the nose.

“MOOOOOM!” Button Mash cried as he quickly ran away.

“Stallions are so pathetic; Maybe DT has the right of it,” she mumbled to herself, scratching her chin with her hoof. “I wonder if Sweetie is seeing anypony...”

The next day, Diamond Tiara was slowly making her way to school. Stifling a yawn, she briefly considered getting a cup of chocolate milk at Sugarcube Corner to help her wake up.

“We finally meet, Guardsmare!” spoke somepony from behind, laughing maniacally.

“Oh for the love of- WHAT?!” Diamond Tiara yelled as she turned around. “Silver Spoon? Why are you laughing like some cliche villain?”

“Oh, Diamond Tiara, haven’t you realized by now?”

“Realized what?” Diamond Tiara asked, once again stifling a yawn.

“You fool! I am the mastermind behind the organized crime syndicate, NWO!” Silver Spoon laughed, earning a confused look from Diamond Tiara.

“NWO? What?”

“We are the ones who’ve been stealing ponies’ lunch money!” Silver Spoon cackled.

“...Why?” Diamond Tiara asked, scratching her head in thought. “You’re one of the richest fillies in town. Why do you need to steal money?”

“My parents stopped giving me an allowance because I got a B+ on a test,” Silver Spoon sighed, earning a whistle from Diamond Tiara.

“Harsh.”

“I know, right?” Silver Spoon grumbled. “But oh well, I found a very lucrative business, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me!” Silver Spoon said as she began walking away. “Stay out of my way, DT, I don’t want to-”

“Stop right there, criminal scum!” Diamond Tiara yelled as she ran in front of Silver Spoon. “You violated the law! Now prepare to pay for your crimes!”

“Ha! And just what are you going to do?!” Silver Spoon yelled back. “Intimidation won’t work on me, DT! Just because you yell at me doesn’t mean I’ll give up my dream of-”

“Miss Herb Dealer, Silver Spoon made a gang in order to-”

“STOP! DON’T TELL MUMMSY!” Silver Spoon cried, groveling at Diamond Tiara’s hooves. “She’ll ground me for a whole week!”

“Are you going to stop this stupid evil plan of yours?” Diamond Tiara asked with a glare.

“Y-Yes,” Silver Spoon replied with a sniffle. Diamond Tiara smiled gently and patted Silver Spoon on the shoulder.

“Good, now that that’s taken care of, wanna get a hooficure before school?”

“I’d love to!” Silver Spoon shouted with a smile, following Diamond Tiara to the local spa. “It’s your treat, right?” she asked, causing Diamond Tiara to pause mid-step.

“Hmm… Sure, why not?” Diamond Tiara replied with a shrug.

And after The Guardsmare and her mighty foe got their hooficures, they went to school in a majestic manner, and brought justice across the land. Many sang of The Guardsmare’s bravery, but few witnessed her bravery in action. Eventually, she turned into a legend, forever immortalized by the tongues of ponies.

The End