Why hello, me. I’m Discord, the spirit of chaos and disharmony, archenemy of the princesses, most powerful being on this plane of existence, connoisseur of the strange and fantastic, and all around comedian extraordinaire.
But, of course, I already knew that.
And I also know I’ve been stuck in this stupid stone prison for months now. How many has it been? Three? Four? Five? Bah. The fact that I can tell at all is a testament to the disgusting sanity this prison imposes on my mind. I mean, it used to be that every hour of every day, I’d do whatever I wanted without plan or a care in the world. When dear old Celestia and her younger sister whatsherface appeared before me and started babbling about the harm I had caused and the heinous nature of my crimes and a last chance to change my tune and banana splits and blah blah blah, I decided to yodel ancient pegasi war ballads. It’s not as though they could pose a threat to me, right?
At least I made a good-looking statue that time. Being confined for so long without any chaos except in my own head had quite a deleterious effect on my insanity, as I’m sure I know well. I had to watch the sun and moon go up and down, the seasons change, the animals migrate, and the ponies do their jobs in the same old dull routine, day after day after monotonous day. Sure, there were some moments of brief enjoyment, like when little Luna finally grew the backbone to cast off that old fuddy-duddy’s whims, but it went right back to the same old thing after only a pitful few months of battle, and I was stuck here with Celestia again.
After a few hundred years (bleh, measurable time) Celestia paid me a little visit way down deep in her hidden archives. Said she didn’t know if I was awake in there – yes, Celly, I was – but didn’t like the thought of even a being like me stuck inside such a dreary place forever. So she had decided to put me somewhere with more fresh air and visitors. Seemed to think I’d enjoy that for some reason. News flash, Celly: the only thing I want in my little stone prison is out of it.
But I couldn’t tell her that, of course, so into her statue garden with me. I always wondered how many of the other statues were free-spirited political prisoners like myself. It’s almost a shame I never got around to seeing while I was out.
So, the next few hundred years passed in quite boredom as prison changed me. I went from my deliciously randomized chaotic self to someone that made plans. Yes, you heard that right me, plans. Why, I barely even had any of my multiple personalities left to talk to by that point. I’ll always miss Jim, he was my favorite. Or was that Hans? Bleh, I’m doing it again. Valuing consistency of opinion. I tell you, me, prison time really has changed me.
After a while, my deeply reduced mystic senses picked up on something: Celestia was still around, but she wasn’t wielding the Elements of Harmony any more. Some new ponies were, but that wasn’t important. What was important was that with the Elements finally out of Celly’s hooves, the spell containing me began to weaken. I swear to me that if I could have triple cartwheeled backwards for joy then, I would have. With only a small amount of luck, I’d be free again very soon. And this time, I decided, I’d be sure the Elements were no threat to me.
As I waited impatiently, doing whatever I could to crack the prison, I noticed Luna was finally back. More importantly, back under Celestia’s hoof. Oh my starry-maned dear, you disappoint me. It’s a shame, I would’ve even considered letting you down just to mess with Celly, but you had to go and redeem yourself or whatever. Ugh, how very cliché.
Well, I’m sure I know the story from there. Three little fillies getting in a fight before my statue proved the last little push I needed to break free. You know, Celly, I could almost thank you for putting me out here. Maybe I’d even have gotten you a present, if not for all the bird droppings your staff failed so miserably to clean off my magnificent form. I, in my newfound sanity, actually learned about my new opponents before engaging in any but the most minor of chaos. In the old days, I’d have just turned Celestia’s entire tower into a rocket and sent her straight TO THE MOOOOOOONAH!!!, but not that day. Then I played around with them for a while, even let them find the elements when I was done. Made Ponyville into the chaos capital of the world, blah blah blah, etc. etc. I know this part. Made a mistake, and right back to stone for me after about half a day of freedom. To add insult to injury, I hadn’t even been in a properly dignified pose that time.
Wouldn’t I know it, Celly puts me right back in her statue garden. In a pose like that! I swear to me, she really must enjoy snickering at me behind my back. The next few months passed just the same as the prior thousand years or so. Sure, there were a few more upbeat moments. I particularly enjoyed the changeling invasion. I wonder how old Chrissy’s doing these days? The cockatrice plague was a hoot too, especially when I saw dear old Celly letting a tiny dragon with an eyepatch and trident ride her around the city. Why, I could barely imagine a funnier scene myself. I made a note for the next time I was free.
And that brings me roughly up to today, where I am currently enduring yet another of Celly’s boring lectures. She’s saying something about how even the most wicked of evildoers deserves a chance to reform and how much good I could do if I were good instead of evil and whatever. I’m not really listening. I’ve instead occupied myself with just pretending to blow raspberries at her and alternatively imagining how she’d react if she were suddenly a moose.
Then she says something that actually grabs my attention. “Discord, I have decided that you shall be given one last chance to redeem yourself. You will be released on a probationary basis into the care of the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and more specifically into the care of Fluttershy. You will be given one more chance to show you can change and use your powers for good. I suggest you don’t pass it up.”
Apparently she knows, or at least suspects that I am in fact awake in here. Sharp as ever, I see. It only took her a thousand years to figure it out.
“Be warned: if you revert to your old ways, you will be returned to stone with no possibility of release, and locked in the deepest vault in Canterlot for all time.”
Oh yes, Celly. Threaten the helpless prisoner with an eternity of isolation, unable to even move, if I don’t comply with your every demand. Truly you are the epitome of benevolent and fair rulers. Honestly, I’d prefer you just kill me. If that’s possible. Is it? I don’t know.
“And do not even think of repeating your trick from last time. This time, I have placed a spell on the Elements of Harmony to prevent you from making them vanish as you did before.”
Right. Because that spell on your vault that meant only you could open it worked so well against me last time, didn’t it? Honestly Celly, you always did have a big head about your powers. Just because you defeated Sombra and Luna doesn’t make you any match for Discord. Why, I’ve even heard that little Chrissy beat you at the wedding.
“I want you to think hard on what I’ve said on the journey to Ponyville. I implore you: do not waste this one last chance.”
No need to worry, Celly. I won’t. I’ve had plenty of time to think and think and think while I’ve been in here, and I’ve realized my problem. I’ve been too arrogant. Both times I let the bearers get the Elements and even use them, certain of my own invincibility. But not this time. This time, I have a new plan.
The journey to Ponyville is mostly uneventful, though I swear the Royal Guard pulling this chariot were told to make my ride as shaky and uncomfortable as possible. We get there, and Celestia quickly gets to dumping me on those six little ponies. They actually show some hints of a spine for a moment in questioning her, but go right back to being good little puppets soon afterwards. Honestly girls, even though this is going to get me my freedom, I’m still disappointed in you. Slavish obedience to the will of another isn’t a fit lifestyle for anybody. That’s why I’ve never had any minions.
Well, like good little lemmings blindly plunging off a cliff for the group, they obey their princess and set me free. Oh my me, I don’t know how good it feels to throw off that prison again. I stretch, cause a little minor chaos with the bunnies and squirrels, endure a few threats from Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, and then put them “right”. Now it’s time for my true plan. I snap my tail and cast my spell as we head to Fluttershy’s cottage. Honestly, their idea of security is terrible. If I wanted, I could teleport myself to the other side of the globe and cause infinite amounts of chaos there, and there wouldn’t be a thing they could do about it. I could outrun them any day of the week, no sweat. But spending the rest of my life on the lamb isn’t an appealing prospect even for me, so I wait.
I play along with Fluttershy’s efforts at reformation, causing only a small amount of chaos that afternoon. I smack that annoying little Angel Bunny around a few times for a laugh. Always amusing to deal with little hotheads like him who think they can match Discord. You know, me, he isn’t really so different from Celly now that I think about it. Easily provoked, rash, and confident they know how to deal with me. I’ll show them both: nobody knows how to deal with Discord.
I wait for midnight with baited breath, ready to rush in. I could have set the spell to go off earlier, but I feel a certain amount of dramatic convention is necessary for such a momentous occasion. Perhaps I’m going a bit sane in my old age, but I think that’s still the most appropriate time.
Finally, the clock strikes midnight. I rush in to Fluttershy’s bedroom, disturbing the sleep of quite a few of her animal friends. I get plenty of dirty looks, but I don’t care. I grab one of her legs and take her pulse. Nothing. I conjure a stethoscope and check for heartbeat. Nothing. Breathing? Nada.
“YES!” I can’t help but shout as a jump for joy. I did it! I dance around a bit, gleeful at success.
You see, me, I decided that this time I simply wasn’t going to leave myself vulnerable. I’m going to be free forever, and to do that I need those elements out of the way. It seems sanity isn’t all bad, since it gave me the solution: kill the bearers. Not even in some wacky, hijinks-filled way, but just plain old murder. Normally I’d never stoop to something so predictable, but this intolerable threat hanging over my shoulders has forced my hand.
Let it never be said that I don’t know mercy. Most beings would be mad about the threats to imprison them in a stone crypt for all time, but not me. I just wanted them out of the way. So, when the clock struck midnight, when the ponies were isolated from each other and asleep, their hearts simply stopped beating. That’s it. They never felt a thing. I’m sure their (probably confused) souls are on their way upstairs even now to enjoy their eternal reward. I’m not a spiteful draconequis. I even resist the urge to put their corpses in funny poses. I give them each a coffin and a dignified pose (more than I ever got) to contain their bodies and their fancy Elemental jewelry. Then I teleport to the very center of the deepest sea, encase the coffins in cement, and dump them in.
The instant all six hit the bottom, the entire sea becomes tapioca pudding. I roller skate on it, dancing for joy. “I’m free! Free forever! Ha ha ha!” I yank the moon out of the sky and replace it with a great big glowing picture of little ol’ me to put Celly on notice. Discord’s back, and we have a lot to talk about…
Author's Note
Just a brief little oneshot idea that popped into my head. Tell me what you think.
(Bonus) Dear Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I write to you now because, honestly, I feel like it. Now that I'm free from under your hoof I can finally say all the things I thought while imprisoned but could never tell you. Where to begin?
Ah. The Element bearers are dead. I suppose I should start with that. You were clever, I'll grant you. Using the Elements' own magic to ward them from me was a rare stroke of brilliance, Celly. And here I thought you didn't have a creative bone in your body. Ah well, live and learn, as you ponies say.
Now, where was I? Oh, right, the bearers. You were clever in some ways, I'll grant you, but did it ever occur to you that I'm the very spirit of chaos and change? A stick-in-the-mud old fuddy duddy like yourself couldn't realistically hope to outthink me. You got me twice, I'll grant you, but that was my own failing at work, not any special brilliance on your part. Anyway, your ward was quite the smashing success - I couldn't make the Elements vanish again. Unfortunately, that left me the task of winning freedom from that cruel threat hanging over my head.
Or did you really expect your little reform plan to work? You hold a gun to my head and demand I change into your good little draconequis pet. It was self-defense. And I saw through your cynical little ploy. Last I checked, friends don't threaten friends with an eternity as a statue if they don't live up to their expectations. Admit it, you only wanted to use me and my powers to preserve your comfortable little throne. Queen Chrysalis' victory over you shook your confidence, so you wanted an obedient, "reformed" trump card. All that bunk about friendship and harmony and morality was just a cover story. But what else should I expect from a mare who claims to despise cruelty yet put a chaotic being like myself through 1,000 years of the worst torture you could ever have inflicted on me instead of just executing me and being done with it? Didn't seem to care much about my reformation during all that time, did you? Perfectly content to leave me to suffer until you were shaken out of your comfort zone.
Though I was the one that did the deed, the blood of those six ponies is on your hooves, Celestia. You backed me into a corner where I could choose slavery to you, a living death of petrification, or escape to freedom. Let me make one thing clear, Princess: Discord is nobody's servant. Not now, not ever. I'm not one of your little ponies, slavish and fawning at your greatness and wisdom. I would die before I live my life by the will of another. The bearers were your victims as much as I ever was: raised to see you as the end-all be-all, to bow to your wisdom and authority and live their lives by your decree. I would have been happy to just zap the Elements away and create my world of chaos, but you forced me to do otherwise. A being like me can't live life with the threat of the Elements above his head, so I did what I had to do.
So, now we come to the ultimate question: what am I going to do about you? I've had a long time to ponder that question. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be turned into a moose? Banished to your own Sun? Made to live life without all the magic you hold so dear, your subjects having forgotten your very existence? I have. I thought about it quite a bit before I finally hit on the answer: not a damn thing. I'm leaving you with all your power, secure in your palace. You'll find it rather difficult to get out, though. But go ahead and try for just as long and hard as you like.
Meanwhile, I'm going to take apart your nation, piece-by-piece. Everything you ever did will be undone, put through a blender, then spat out in the most chaotic and unrecognizable form I can imagine. And I do have such a wonderful imagination. And you're going to watch helplessly as I undo everything you've ever achieved and the world forgets you even existed, the same thing you did to me. Who knows, perhaps in 1,000 years I'll let you out and we'll see how you liked it.
Your favorite Draconequis,
-Discord
Author's Note
Just so there's no misunderstanding: this is Discord's perspective on events, not mine. I don't consider Celestia evil or unreasonable, but I'm sure he does. No one ever thinks they're the bad guy.
Feedback is, as always appreciated.
